Fights Cuts T h e p r o p o s e d cuts to Q u e e n M a r y a n d W e s t f i e l d C o l l e g e ( Q M W C ) , as r e p o r t e d in the F e l i x of t w o w e e k s ago, caused about a t h o u s a n d students to m a r c h from the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n U n i o n to the U n i v e r i s i t i e s F u n d i n g C o u n c i l (UFC) the W e d n e s d a y before last . A student p o s i n g as a b i c y c l e c o u r i e r m a n a g e d to infiltrate the U F C a n d d r o p a b a n n e r from the roof p r o t e s t i n g about the cuts. W h e n a d e l e g a t i o n w a s a l l o w e d i n , the U F C c l a i m e d that the G o v e r n m e n t w e r e re sponsi bl e. Last M o n d a y (10th) a n A c a d e m i c B o a r d M e e t i n g at Q M W C was s t o r m e d b y students a n d h a d to be a b a n d o n e d . It was r e s c h e d u l e d for the f o l l o w i n g W e d n e s d a y in the G e o g r a p h y b u i l d i n g of the c o l l e g e . T h i s b u i l d i n g was l o c k e d b y the c o l l e g e authorities a n d g u a r d e d b y c o l l e g e s e c u r i t y . S o m e students say they saw the P o l i c e i n v o l v e d as w e l l .
the l i b r a r y w h i c h was n o r m a l l y o p e n to all. T h i s m e a n t that the later a r r i v a l s to the m e e t i n g a n d the U n i o n R e p r e s e n t a t i v e s c o u l d not get i n . T h e y w e r e e v e n t u a l l y a l l o w e d i n , o n the p r o v i s o that the mass of students outside w o u l d not t r y to rush the door. Fifty students m a n a g e d to g a i n e n t r y t h r o u g h a n o p e n g r o u n d floor w i n d o w , a n d sang C h r i s t m a s carols in the b u i l d i n g ' s l o b b y . A n o t h e r t w e n t y got in b y the front d o o r s w h e n t h e y w e r e o p e n e d b y m i s t a k e . T h e s e v e n t y students e v e n t u a l l y s p o t t e d the m e e t i n g a n d c r o s s e d the roof to sing outside the w i n d o w of the r o o m in w h i c h the
m e e t i n g was b e i n g h e l d u n t i l t h e y w e r e e v e n t u a l l y a d m i t t e d . T h e y kept quiet o n c e inside. T h e m e e t i n g finally a g r e e d to g i v e the M e d i t e r r a n e a n Studies d e p a r t m e n t a r e p r i e v e of o n e t e r m , in w h i c h it is e x p e c t e d to raise ÂŁ 2 0 0 , 0 0 0 or it w o u l d be c l o s e d . N o students w i l l be a d m i t t e d n e x t y e a r . A l l d e p a r t m e n t s w i l l be s e v e r e l y cut e x c e p t Russian, D r a m a a n d G e r m a n . Q M W C Student U n i o n said that the students h a d n o t c o m m i t t e d a n y c r i m i n a l d a m a g e a n d the C o l l e g e C o u n c i l said that t h o u g h t h e y d i s s a p p r o v e d of their actions, the students' b e h a v i o u r h a d b e e n exemplary.
A l l the lectures w e r e s c h e d u l e d e l s e w h e r e , m u c h to the i n c o n v e n i e n c e of the students c o n c e r n e d . Y e s t e r d a y , T h u r s d a y 13, s a w the C o l l e g e C o u n c i l M e e t i n g w h i c h h a d the final say o n the cuts. W h e n students started to a s s e m b l e i n the c o l l e g e , the meeting was postponed. T h e Q M W C u n i o n representatives w e r e told of the n e w l o c a t i o n of the m e e t i n g three q u a r t e r s of a n hour before it was due to start. W h e n the students l e a r n e d that the m e e t i n g h a d b e e n r e l o c a t e d at Senate H o u s e , s e v e r a l m i l e s a w a y , t h e y got there to find it h a d been l o c k e d up, i n c l u d i n g
Security
Beware Hackers
T h e C o l l e g e S e c u r i t y h a v e w a r n e d that as the C h r i s t m a s season a p p r o a c h e s m a n y petty thefts are o c c u r i n g . P e o p l e h a v e b e e n b r i n g i n g a lot of m o n e y into C o l l e g e for s h o p p i n g a n d this is p r o v i n g to be r i c h p i c k i n g s for the thieves.
T h e c o l l e g e has passed a p o l i c y stating that a n y b o d y f o u n d m i s u s i n g c o m p u t e r s in the college w i l l h a v e i m m e d i a t e c o l l e g e d i s c i p l i n a r y a c t i o n t a k e n against t h e m . T h i s follows a n incident e a r l i e r this w e e k w h e n a h a c k e r was d i s c o v e r e d i n the M a t h s D e p a r t m e n t . T h e d e p a r t m e n t a l staff said that a s o - c a l l e d ' T r o j a n H o r s e ' p r o g r a m h a d b e e n used, a n d that the a p p r o p r i a t e a c t i o n was to be t a k e n against the c u l p r i t s. T h e staff refused to c o m m e n t further.
Geoff R e e v e s , Chief S e c u r i t y Officer said t h e r e had b e e n a lot of p e t t y thefts ' a l l o v e r the p l a c e ' w i t h no p a r t i c u l a r pattern, t h o u g h there h a d b e e n quite a few in E l e c t r i c a l E n g i n e e r i n g . Patrols h a v e b e e n stepped up in a n attempt to halt the crime.
Green? T h e Student U n i o n has b o u g h t a n e w v a n for S I 5 0 0 0 . T h e deal i n c l u d e s a r e s p r a y to g r e e n - a n d a t a c h o g r a p h . T h e U n i o n w i l l also be r e c e i v i n g six bottles of S c o t c h into the b a r g a i n . M i c h e l l e B e g a n of the U n i o n staff s a i d that 'the p o o r b l o k e didn't stand a c h a n c e ' as she p h o n e d a r o u n d all the dealers c l a i m i n g she had better offers e l s e w h e r e .
2
reset. M e m b e r s of the d e p a r t m e n t w e r e a d v i s e d to c h e c k their disks before use, and all machines have n o w been disinfected.
Mend-a-Brike
A c o m p u t e r v i r u s struck the p h y s i c s department recently. The program, called the ' S t o n e d ' v i r u s , affects I B M s a n d I B M c l o n e s w h e n t h e y are s w i t c h e d o n or
New IRC A new Interdiscipinary Research Centre (IRC), the ' G l o b a l E n v i r o n m e n t R e s e a r c h C e n t r e ' ( G E R C ) has b e e n l a u n c h e d . T h e college hopes to raise ÂŁ 2 . 5 m i l l i o n to fund it b y 1993. T h e c o l l e g e is n o w h o m e to a large n u m b e r of s u c h IRCs.
Fulham, London S W 6 ITD 071-371 5867
Career's Office Cuts T h r e e C a r e e r s A d v i s o r s m a y be lost f r o m the Careers Office if C o l l e g e do not agree to p a y an e x t r a S I 0 0 k p a to the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n (UL). T h e three C a r e e r s A d v i s o r s (CA's), are e m p l o y e d b y the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n C a r e e r s A d v i s o r y S e r v i c e ( U L C A S ) w h o have posted t h e m at I m p e r i a l . T h i s c u r r e n t l y costs I m p e r i a l S 5 5 k pa. D u e to changes in U L funding, h o w e v e r , the C o l l e g e has b e e n a s k e d to p a y S I 0 5 k this y e a r a n d S 1 4 8 k i n future years. T h e r e w e r e i n d i c a t i o n s last A u g u s t that C o l l e g e m a y d e c i d e to r u n the C a r e e r s S e r v i c e itself a l t h o u g h there is no p l a n so far. In an e m e r g e n c y m e e t i n g of the C a r e e r s A d v i s o r s C o m i t t e e last M o n d a y , w h i c h i n c l u d e d U n i o n representatives but at w h i c h n o n e of the C A ' s w e r e present, it was n o t e d that the p r o p o s a l to p u l l out has not yet b e e n costed. F e a r s as to the future q u a l i t y of s e r v i c e w e r e also expressed. O n e major dissadvantage of p u l l i n g out of U L C A S is that I m p e r i a l w i l l not be able to take part i n t h e U L m i l k r o u n d . I m p e r i a l has it's o w n m i l k r o u n d , attracting 120 c o m p a n i e s , but students can meet a different a n d v a r i e d set of
c o m p a n i e s at t h e U L event, o v e r 130 this year. B r i a n Steptoe, the D i r e c t o r of U L C A A S , has told A n g u s F r a s e r , M a n a g i n g D i r e c t o r , that if C o l l e g e does not p a y the ÂŁ 1 0 5 k this y e a r then U L C A S services w i l l be w i t h d r a w n o n 3rd F e b u a r y , i n t h e m i d d l e of the m i l k r o u n d . It was for this r e a s o n that B e n j a m i n T u r n e r , D e p u t y President, s a i d that is was ' v i t a l to negotiate q u i c k l y '
has r e c e i v e d its o w n grant d i r e c t l y from the U F C , m e a n i n g that it d i d not p a y a n y m o n e y t o w a r d s the o v e r h e a d s , the cost b e i n g b o u r n b y the other L o n d o n colleges. N o w , c h a n g e s to t h e funding m e c h a n i s m w i l l m e a n that U L w i l l split its grant b e t w e e n the colleges before p a y i n g for o v e r h e a d s . E a c h c o l l e g e w i l l t h e n be b i l l e d s e p e r a t e l y for o v e r h e a d s , thus i n c r e a s i n g the cost to I m p e r i a l b y S l O O k .
B e n j a m i n was also w o r i e d about the future i m p a r t i a l i t y of the C a r e e r s S e r v i c e . A t the m o m e n t the s e r v i c e c o v e r s a w i d e range of interests, but this m i g h t be cut d o w n to s c i e n c e based subjects if r u n b y C o l l e g e . B e n j a m i n c o m m e n t e d that ' i m p a r t i a l i t y is i m p o r t a n t ' .
Ironically, a study o n c e n t r a l a d m i n i s t r a t i o n requested b y L o r d F l o w e r s the feasability of federal f u n d i n g a r o u n d U L based u p o n the n u m b e r of students supported by a service was commisioned by L o r d F l o w e r s , a p r e v i o u s R e c t o r at I m p e r i a l , a n d c a r r i e d out b y J o h n S m i t h , the C o l l e g e S e c r e t a r y of I m p e r i a l at the t i m e . T h e p o s i t i o n of C o l l e g e S e c r e t a r y does not n o w exist, the job has b e e n r e p l a c e d b y D i r e c t o r of I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e , held b y A n g u s Fraser.
T h e c h a n g e in the fee for U L C A S has b e e n b r o u g h t about b e c a u s e I m p e r i a l has b e e n a s k e d to p a y its s h a r e of the o v e r h e a d s at G o r d o n S q u a r e (the headquarters of U L C A S ) . In the past the o v e r h e a d s h a v e b e e n p a y e d for b y the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n , t a k i n g the m o n e y from the grant it r e c i e v e s f r o m the U n i v e r s i t y F u n d i n g C o u n c i l (UFC). U L w o u l d t h e n split the r e m a i n d e r of the grant b e t w e e n the colleges. F o r o v e r t e n years, h o w e v e r , I m p e r i a l
Union Win Balls The Union Speculation team have w o n the F i n a n c e , Business a n d Investment (FBI) S o c i e t y ' s p o r t f o l io s h a r e c o m p e t i t i o n . T h e t e a m , c o m p r i s i n g of t h e U n i o n President P a u l S h a n l e y , D e p u t y President Ben 'Boesky' Turner, U n i o n F i n a n c e officer Reggie B l e n n e r h a s s e t a n d his assistant L o u i s e v a n d e r Straeten, issued a c o l l e c t i v e statement - ' H a ! W e beat the lot of y o u w a n k e r s ! '
T h e M i n e s b a l l has been s o l d out a n d the C i t y a n d Guilds b a l l h a v e s o l d 120 of the 200 tickets a l r e a d y . T h e M i n e s b a l l is this e v e n i n g (Friday), a n d the C & G b a l l is next t e r m . H e n r y L a n g d o n , p r e s i d e nt of the M i n e s U n i o n , a n d K u r t B u d g e h a v e raised S 1 0 5 t h r o u g h h a v i n g their heads p a r t i a l l y shaved.
Gremlins Aack! G r e m l i n s hit the F e l i x office this w e e k w h e n e v e r y t h i n g , i n c l u d i n g t h e P r i n t Unit M a n a g e r , b r o k e d o w n . T h e p r i n t i n g of this w e e k ' s F e l i x w a s d e l a y e d due to a m e c h a n i c a l failure of the l i t h o g r a p h a n d the t y p e s e t t i n g m a c h i n e . T h e s e w e r e c o m p o u n d e d b y i n t e r m i t t e n t faults w i t h the b r o m i d e d e v e l o p e r a n d p e r s o n a l computer. T h e b r e a k a g e of the offset litho o n Thursday prevented any printing being p e r f o r m e d for t w o days. A l l other p r i n t w o r k h a d to b e p o s t p o n e d , a n d the p r o d u c t i o n of F e l i x was put b a c k t w o days. T h e fault was c a u s e d b y the o v e r e n t h u s i a s m of F e l i x Business M a n a g e r whilst a t t e m p t i n g to r e m e d y a m i n o r hitch. T h e l e v e r a r m c o n t r o l l i n g the paper feed s h e a r e d a n d a r e p l a c e m e n t
Communications between College and B r i a n Steptoe suggest a m i n o r s t e p - d o w n as A n g u s F r a s e r has said that there w i l l be further d i s c u s s i o n o n the matter. T h e precipitous a c t i o n o r i g i n a l l y c o n s i d e r e d has b e e n d e f e r r e d w h i l e final figures are agreed.
Ironised T h e i n v i o l a t e mascot of the R o y a l C o l l e g e of S c i e n c e U n i o n , Jez the F i r e e n g i n e , has b e e n i n a p o o r state of h e a l t h since the s u m m e r a n d is about to b e r e p a i r e d . A c o n s p i r a c y of faulty gauges a n d a l a c k of oil c a u s e d parts of the e n g i n e to fail. T h e r a d i a t o r also n e e d e d r e b u i l d i n g a n d this has n o w b e e n c o l l e c t e d f r o m B r i g h t o n . It cost S1200 a n d was p a i d for o n a five y e a r p l a n w h i c h was a p p r o v e d last February. S h e is e x p e c t e d to b e b a c k o n the streets b y the s e c o n d w e e k of n e x t t e r m .
part c o u l d n o t be d e l i v e r e d until the n e x t day. P r i n t i n g c o n t i n u e d s o o n after, but the free gift p l a n n e d b y C h r i s Stapleton, P r i n t Unit P r o d u c t i o n M a n a g e r , h a d to b e scrapped. T h e curse c o n t i n u e d o n S u n d a y w h e n the typesetter p r o c e s s o r also failed. A s w i t c h burnt out p r e v e n t i n g the unit from b e i n g t u r n e d off, resulting i n o v e r h e a t i n g . Not to be d e t e r r e d , F e l i x staff d e v e l o p e d a m e t h o d of p r o c e s s i n g the typeset b y hand, p r o d u c i n g m i x e d results. T h e equipment was eventually repaired on W e d n e s d a y , the i n t e n d e d d a y of publication. C o m m e n t i n g o n the i n c i d e n t s , Chris S t a p l e t o n said that 'its a p a i n in the butt... but at least it g a v e us a n e w s story in case things r u n short!'
3
Ip S p a n i s h B u l l Fights Police O n T u e s d a y night a S p a n i s h g e n t l e m a n e n t e r e d the U n i o n B a r a n d started harassing a y o u n g S p a n i s h g i r l that he h a d f o l l o w e d f r o m S p a i n . Sh e w a s h e r e as part of the R o y a l S c h o o l of M i n e s International W e e k a n d the F o r i e g n Students r e p r e s e n t a t i v e f r o m M i n e s , N i c k J a r m e n , b e c a m e c o n c e r n e d . H e c a l l e d in s e c u r i t y a n d they r e q u e s t e d h i m to l e a v e . W h e n he failed to c o o p e r a t e t h e y c a l l e d the P o l i c e a n d t h e y t r i e d to escort h i m f r o m the p r e m i s e s as he was in Beit Q u a d A r r i v i n g o n the scene t w o P o l i c e officers w e n t to r e m o v e the m a n from the premises a n d he t h r e w s o m e p u n c h e s at t h e m . L a t e r in the day, at a r o u n d 4 . 3 0 p m he w a s yet again spotted a r o u n d the U n i o n B u i l d i n g a n d Geoff R e e v e s himself c a m e o v e r to sort out the situation. H e m a n a g e d to p e r s u a d e the g e n t l e m a n to l e a v e the area a n d w a l k e d him along Prince Consort R o a d towards the M i n e s b u i l d i n g . M r R e e v e s s a i d that since t h e n he h a d not b e e n spotted o r c a u s e d a n y m o r e t r o u b l e. H e was seen, h o w e v e r , o n W e d n e s d a y
night outside Beit Q u a d l e a n i n g against a car but d i d not attempt to enter the premises, h a v i n g b e e n w a r n e d that s h o u l d he attempt s u c h a c t i o n that the P o l i c e w o u l d a g a i n be i m m e d i a t e l y c a l l e d . M r R e e v e s stated that he was a large a n d p o w e r f u l m a n w h o was not to be a p p r o a c h e d a n d that p e o p l e s h o u l d not become i n v o l v e d in any confrontaion. T h e y s h o u l d t h o u g h c a l l s e c u r i t y straight away. Geoff R e e v e s , Chief S e c u r i t y Officer, s a i d that he t h e n 'went b a n a n a s ' a n d restled to the floor the three P o l i c e m e n present. T h e y r e g a i n e d c o n t r o l of the situation a n d handcuffed the m a n . T a k e n a w a y to the P o l i c e Station he w a s later released. O n W e d n e s d a y m o r n i n g the S p a n i s h m a n was still l o i t e r i n g a r o u n d the U n i o n a n d the P o l i c e w e r e a g a i n c a l l e d . S e c u r i t y officers of the C o l l e g e h a v e b e e n i n s t r u c t e d b y Geoff R e e v e s that they s h o u l d not be d r a g g e d into p o s s i b l y d a n g e r o u s confrontations a n d call the Police immediately.
Trainee Actuaries
With your head for figures, you figure highly in the way ahead.
W h a t goes on inside your head is important to us. Not just the theories, strategems and hypotheses, but how all those things get put into practice. Your ideas are tomorrow's innovations. You have the power and the potential not only to change the way ahead for yourself, but also to c h a n g e the way ahead for the European C o m m u n i t y ' s largest mutual life assurance company. Standard Life is a progressive place. W e are always adding to our strengths and taking away all the honours in the business of financial services. Our structured training programmes, dynamic working environment and exceptional rewards are. a formula for success on anyone's blackboard, w h i c h is why we succeed in attracting some of the best actuarial trainees in the UK (relatively speaking). W e like the individual thinker. The maverick. The graduate with creative flair and an eye for the unusual. W e want you to experiment and we want to set tasks that, at first, you think are impossible, but in the end you are able to work out. The way ahead is never easy. But, all things being equal, having good people with good heads on their shoulders, we'll figure out the best route. Standard Life will be visiting your university in the near future, for more information and a graduate brochure, call in at your careers office.
Standard Life We don't follow standards.Wc set them
SOS Have you registered with a doctor in London since you came to College? Have you got a medical card with your current address on it? If the answer to either question is no, you may have difficulty obtaining your full NHS entitlement. Come and see us in the Health Centre early next term to discuss this. If you live within the following postal codes, you may register with the College Health Service. SW1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 10. Wl, 2, 8, 9, 10, 11, 14. NW1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8. WC1 & 2. EC1. Nl, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 19. W6 Hamlet Gardens only.
Contrary to what the Careers Fair
Disinformation Department would have you think........
Schlumberger is SHLUM-BER-JAY, not Sclumberger or Scrumburger or even Scum-Bergers
and the good news for Engineers is that although spelling the company name can be a little tricky, our engineering graduates are spared the usual decision of whether to stay close to the technology that fascinates them and in which they have excelled so far, or whether to move out into management-style functions which are perceived - often quite rightly - to be the most effective way up to the top. In Schlumberger, despite the colours of our logo, you don't have to face such black-and-white decisions. Schlumberger operates a policy of promotion from within which means that all the senior managers (and we are talking about all the way to the chairman) have come up from the graduate engineer level. While providing unsurpassed management opportunities for young engineers, our system of career development also means that employees are not pigeon-holed or likely to experience one-way tickets into support functions. A typical career in Schlumberger will lead in and out of technical, management and support roles, broadening experience, providing a unique variety and building the strongest corporate management potential of tomorrow. And while we are looking for the potential in our recruits to benefit from this philosophy, we do not compromise on engineering expertise. Which is why we are market leaders in our four mainstream activities and are continuing to invest in R&D with a commitment and confidence way beyond that of our competitors. If you would like to know more about these careers which range from industrial engineering in some of the most high-tech plants in the world, to field-based jobs supplying specialised technical services to our oilfield clients all over the world, please consult your careers department or contact us directly by writing to Wendy Bailey at : Schlumberger Technologies 23 Cobham Rd Ferndown Indust. Estate Wimborne Dorset BH21 7 P P
REVIEWS
H o m e A l o n e and the Conways Old Vic
'Tis the night before C h r i s t m a s . Little K e v i n is a l o n e i n the house after b e i n g a b a n d o n e d b y his parents (they w e n t to Paris). Outside a r e two b u r g l a r s w h o w a n t t h e house b a d l y . It's t i m e for K e v i n to go to war... It's that C h r i s t m a s f a m i l y m o v i e a g a i n folks, the o n e y o u w a t c h w i t h assorted y o u n g e r r e l a t i v e s, p r o v i d e d t h e y ' v e seen Teenage Ninja Inane Bloody Turtles b y n o w . A s a kid's film it's p r e t t y g o o d stuff. Y o u ' v e got r e v e n g e o n g r o w n - u p s a n d brothers, the c h a n c e to do w h a t e v e r y o u
want, a n d s o m e real baddies to fight. Perfect fantasy for knee-biters. T h e y ' r e also g o i n g to l o v e the g r a t u i t o u s l y v i o l e n t w a y i n w h i c h K e v i n sees off his attackers - a n d so w i l l y o u ! A l t h o u g h this is a kids' f i l m , a n d as s u c h not o n e y o u ' r e l i k e l y to see, if y o u do h a v e to take assorted brats out this C h r i s t m a s , y o u ' l l p r o b a b l y enjoy this m o r e t h a n y o u e x p e c t e d . T h i s has b e e n a F E L I X C h r i s t m a s s u r v i v a l message. Pendragon.
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde This stage a d a p t a t i o n of R o b e r t Louis Stevenson's n o v e l w o r k s r e m a r k a b l y w e l l . W i t h a cast of o n l y four, the E m p t y S p a c e T h e a t r e C o m p a n y , w h o specialise i n a d a p t i n g the w o r k s of famous authors for the stage, m a n a g e to r e c r e a t e the h o r r o r a n d suspense of t h e n o v e l . D r J e k y l l is a scientist fascinated b y m y s t i c a l things. H e speculates o n the possibility of s e p a r a t i n g o u r p r i m e v a l self f r o m o u r ' c i v i l i s e d ' self—freeing us from the constraints i m p o s e d b y c o n s c i e n c e a n d society a n d l e a v i n g us at liberty to p u r s u e the pleasures a n d the c r a v i n g s of the flesh. Despite s c o r n f r o m his f o r m e r c o l l e a g u e , J e k y l l m a n a g e s to isolate the essence to m a k e this s e p a r a t i o n possible a n d starts to l e a d a d o u b l e life. F o r t u n a t e l y M r H y d e — a s he calls his other half—does not h a v e a p h y s i c a l r e s e m b l a n c e to J e k y l l a n d t h e y therefore c a n n o t be identified as the same p e r s o n . H o w e v e r , it is i m p o s s i b l e to a v o i d their names b e i n g l i n k e d a n d p e o p l e are at a loss to u n d e r t a n d w h y s u c h a w e l l respected p e r s o n as D r J e k y l l s h o u l d be associated w i t h so d e s p i c a b l e a c h a p as Hyde. J e k y l l leads this double life for a w h i l e until H y d e kills a m a n . O v e r c o m e w i t h h o r r o r b y w h a t he, as H y d e , is capable of d o i n g , he resolves to be d o n e w i t h H y d e . It is o n l y t h e n that he b e g i n s to realise the p o w e r of w h a t he has released. T h e staging is stark. A d o o r a n d a carpet r i p p e d i n t w o d o w n t h e centre. T h e t o r n carpet s y m b o l i s e s t h e split p e r s o n a l i t y of J e k y l l a n d H y d e — i n fact a
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conflict i n a l l of us because w e a l l c o n t a i n these t w o o p p o s i n g natures. The d o o r is a r e c u r r i n g i m a g e i n the play: what goes o n b e h i n d c l o s e d doors? J e k y l l a n d H y d e t r a n s f o r m , doors w i t h i n the m i n d , secrets from p e o p l e a n d , at the e n d J e k y l l hides b e h i n d a c l o s e d door. T h e p l a y is w e l l acted, the s y m b o l i s m a c h i e v e s its objectives—that of a d v a n c i n g . a n d p r o v i d i n g insight into t h e plot, a n d there a r e s o m e v e r y effective scenes a n d tableaux. T h e a t m o s p h e r e a n d flavour of the b o o k is e v o l v e d s u p e r b l y a n d it is a v e r y effective w a y of m a k i n g this classic—of w h i c h e v e r y b o d y has h e a r d , but few have read—accessible to the people. The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is o n at t h e Battersea A r t s C e n t r e until D e c e m b e r 16 at 8.00pm from W e d n e s d a y to S u n d a y . C o n c e s s i o n a r y tickets cost S 4 . 0 0 plus S I . 0 0 m e m b e r s h i p . JLW.
The O l i v i e r family together, o n stage! D i r e c t e d b y t h e ir brother! T h e h e a d l i n e s are a - s c r e a m i ng again as a h y p e m a c h i n e s w i n g s into a c t i o n . W h a t is the p e r f o r m a n c e l i k e , though? J.B P r i e s t l y ' s p l a y is i nt e re st i ng, a n d a m u s i n g , but b y n o m e a n s a classic. T h e C o n w a y family a r e a r i c h m i d d l e class at the e n d of the first w o r l d w a r . T h e y are presided over b y a matriarchal mother (Joan P l o w r i g h t ) after the d e a t h (by d r o w n i n g ) of t h e father. T h e c h i l d r e n are all g a t h e r i n g to celebrate K a y ' s 21st birthday, and Robin's demob. Various other p e o p l e h a v e g a t h e r e d as w e l l , a n d t h e y start to f o r m r e l a t i o n s h i ps that w i l l d o m i n a t e t h e i r lives 19 y e a r s later. W h i c h is, i n fact, w h e n the s e c o n d act is set. A f t e r a n act's w o r t h of failed hopes a n d shattered r e l a t i o n s h i p s , w e s k i p b a c k 19 y e a r s a g a i n to find out w h a t caused a l l those p r o b l e m s . Olivier's w i d o w , Joan Plowright, c o m p l e t e l y d o m i n a t e s m u c h of the p l a y , w h i c h o n l y r e a l l y sparks i n t o life w i t h her a r r i v a l on-stage. T h e m a j o r i t y of the cast also t u r n i n as s p a r k l i n g a p e r f o r m a n c e as t h e y c a n from her s h a d o w . T h e task of s w a p p i n g b e t w e e n t w o ages is not easy a n d is m a n a g e d a d m i r a b l y b y a l l . T h e characters a r e v a s t l y different i n s o m e cases, but a l l a r e still r e c o g n i s a b l e (but not to the obtuse l a d y sitting b e h i n d me...). Perhaps the o n l y d i s a p p o i n t m e n t w a s T a s m i n O l i v i e r w h o t u r n e d i n a fairly w o o d e n p e r f o r m a n c e , until n e a r the e n d , p r o v i n g that a c t i n g talent m a y not be genetic. T h e d r a m a t i c fabric the cast w e a v e contains a l l t h e n o r m a l threads. T h e y beautifully i n c o r p o r a t e d e s p a i r a n d hope, h u m o r a n d grief, l o v e a n d fear. T h e p l a y is i n h e r e n t l y b l e a k of message, w i t h o u t b e i n g d i s h e a r t e n i n g . O n e does not leave the theatre de pre ssed but thoughtful. In fact, as o n e i m p r e s s e d p u n t e r said as they left the theatre, 'It's rather g o o d isn't it?'. Pendragon.
The Hot Spot City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra
A drifter a r r i v e s i n a s m a l l t o w n , so s m a l l infact, he's i n f o r m e d , there's o n l y t w o things to d o a n d just o n e if y o u don't h a v e a T V . . . L e f t w i t h o n l y this o n e t h i n g to d o , he gets i n v o l v e d w i t h t w o w o m e n a n d t h e n h i s troubles really begin. The Hot Spot, d i r e c t e d b y D e n n i s H o p p e r , follows t h e u n s c r u p u l o u s trail of H a r r y M a d o x ( D o n Johnson ) a c h a r i s m a t i c k i n d a g u y w h o , finding himself i n t h e blistering, g o d f o r s a k e n T e x a s t o w n , q u i c k l y gets a j o b as a c a r s a l e s m a n . T h e t w o w o m e n h e c o m e s across, o n e g o o d , o n e b a d , a r e b o t h beautiful a n d c o m p l e x . In t h e g o o d c o r n e r is G l o r i a H a r p e r , (Jennifer C o n n e l l y ) , a n a i v e , y o u n g a c c o u n t a n t w h o s e life is m y s t e r i o u s l y c o m p l i c a t e d b y b l a c k m a i l . In the b a d c o r n e r is D o l l y H a r s h a w ( V i r g i n i a Madsen), his n e w boss's c o n n i v i n g , impossibly alluring wife. T h e film has b l a c k m a i l , heat, arson, heat, p a s s i o n , heat, m u r d e r a n d a great bluesy s o u n d t r a c k . B y t h e w a y , d i d I m e n t i o n it's a t a d o n t h e w a r m side?) B a s e d o n C h a r l e s W i l l i a m s ' (Dead C a l m ) n o v e l , Hell Hath No Fury, it's a film i n w h i c h a l l t h e c h a r a c t e r s find t h e ir o w n levels i n t h e e n d . J o h n s o n ' s c o o l , M a d s e n ' s hot, C o n n e l l y ' s cute a n d H o p p e r has a g o o d e y e , t w o i n fact. A d v e r t i s e d as ' n o i r ' for t h e 90s, t h e y ' r e n o t l y i n g . The Hot Spot has a s i m p l e i n t e n s i t y that d r a w s y o u i n . If y o u l i k e d Body Heat s t a r r i n g W i l l i a m H u r t a n d K a t h l e e n T u r n e r y o u ' l l enjoy The Hot Spot. Rich.
—Concert —Theatre —Comic/Graphics —Film
REVIEWS
T h i s w a s a c o n c e r t of c o n t r a s t i n g halves i n m o r e t h a n o n e sense. T h e programme was divided between t w o late e i g h t e e n t h c e n t u r y pieces before the i n t e r v a l a n d a n e a r l y t w e n t i e t h c e n t u r y s y m p h o n y afterwards. It also d i v i d e d e q u a l l y b e t w e e n the e x c r u c i a t i n g and the exhilarating.
c o n v i n c e d m e that w r i t i n g a n y t h i n g i n E flat w a s a m i s t a k e . T h e final m o v e m e n t was p e r f o r m e d m o r e c r e d i t a b l y a n d t h e w o o d w i n d w e r e noticeable for not lapsing into t h e g e n e r a l d i s i n t e g r a t i o n . A g a i n s t this C o o p e r m a n a g e d sufficient s e n s i t i v i t y in the piece to m a k e it m e r e l y unpleasant.
T h e o r c h e s t r a b e g a n Haydn's Symphony no 70 in D w i t h a r i c h w a r m s o u n d a n d p e r f o r m e d t h e first t w o m o v e m e n t s c o m p e t e n t l y , but b o t h t h e ir tone a n d c o m p o s u r e d e s e r t e d t h e m i n t h e t h i r d m o v e m e n t a n d w e r e o n l y slightly r e g a i n e d b y t h e e n d of t h e piece.
After the interval, the orchestra swelled to full size a n d t h e c h a n g e to t h e d r a m a of Walton's Symphony no 1 in B flat minor a l t e r e d t h e m o o d c o m p l e t e l y . T h e p l a y i n g w a s crisp a n d full of gusto, d o i n g justice to this m a g n i f i c e n t score. W a l t o n ' s w o r k rivals anything b e i n g produced o n the c o n t i n e n t at t h e t i m e a n d this half of the p r o g r a m m e m o r e t h a n c o m p e n s a t e d for t h e d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s of t h e first half.
Imogen C o o p e r bravely executed Mozart's Piano concerto no 22 in E flat, faced as she w a s w i t h s u p p o r t from a n o r c h e s t r a a n d c o n d u c t o r r a p i d l y losing c o n t r o l . B y t h e e n d of t h e first m o v e m e n t , t h e l a c k of b a l a n c e a n d s o m e s l o p p y p l a y i n g from t h e strings (especially i n t h e o p e n i n g t w e n t y seconds) h a d
H a v i n g b e e n p r e p a r e d to w r i t e off t h e C B S O at t h e i n t e r v a l , I must s a y that t h e y c a n p l a y - but o n l y if t h e y c h o o s e t h e ir p r o g r a m m e carefully. Liz W .
Air America
M a n y M e l G i b s o n fans w i l l find this film a s e v e r e d i s a p p o i n t m e n t . N o t o n c e is h i s Gluteus M a x i m u s e x p o s e d to t h e a d o r i n g masses, a n d h e n e v e r o n c e fires a g u n (despite a r a t h e r t h r e a t e n i n g w a v e of a n U z i (9mm?)). S o w h a t does he d o i n the f i l m then? W e l l , fly quite a b i t , c r a s h o c c a s i o n a l l y a n d g e n e r a l l y act slightly b a r m y i n a B u d d h i s t sort of w a y . H e is a pilot f o r t h e C I A ' s c o v e r t a i r l i n e a c t i n g i n L a o s , n e x t to V i e t n a m , d u r i n g the V i e t n a m w a r . Officially t h e y a r e n o t there, despite t h e fact they a r e flying o u t of a n A i r b a s e that is effectively t h e s e c o n d largest c i t y i n t h e c o u n t r y . T h e y fly aircraft i l l e g a l i n t h e states, d r o p p i n g a n y t h i n g f r o m pigs to fire a r m s o v e r l o c a l villages. U n f o r t u n a t e l y t h e y a r e also h e l p i n g transport drugs for a l o c a l w a r l o r d w h o is h e l p i n g t h e m subsidise this w a r . W h e n a senator a r r i v e s o n a fact finding t o u r it is o b v i o u s that a scapegoat is g o i n g to be n e e d e d to take
the heat off t h e r e a l o r g a n i s e r s of this illicit trade. G e n e ( M e l G i b s o n ) a n d n e w l y a r r i v e d B i l l y (Robert D o w n e y Jr.) s e e m the o b v i o u s c a n d i d a t e s . T h i s film is o n e of t h e v e r y few that I h a v e seen that m a n a g e s t o c o m b i n e b o t h e n t e r t a i n m e n t a n d message. T h e film is funny w h e n it needs to b e , serious w h e n it needs to b e a n d e x c i t i n g w h e n it needs to be. T h e antics of M e l a n d t h e rest of the pilots, (the sort of p e o p l e w h o justify the c l i c h e ' l i v i n g o n t h e edge'), e n c o m p a s s elements of b o t h c o m e d y a n d t r a g e d y, w h i l e their s u p e r i o r s m i x h u m o r w i t h threat. A l l t o o often films w h i c h refuse to p i n their c o l o u r to a n y set g e n r e e n d u p m u d d l e d a n d lost, b u t this has a v o i d e d that trap. A C o m e d y / A c t i o n / A d v e n t u r e that taught m e a l o t about t h e h y p o c r i s y of the A m e r i c a n G o v e r n m e n t , a n d loss of belief, w h i l e e n t e r t a i n i n g m e . T h i s deserves to b e a b l o c k b u s t e r . Pendragon.
Royal Philharmonic Orchestra REVIEWS
Conducted by Geoffrey Simon
T h i s w a s a n e v e n i n g of p o w e r f u l e m o t i o n a n d superb p l a y i n g , m a k i n g full use of t h e e x t r a brass e n g a g e d for the W a l t o n . The Bliss fanfare s h o w e d that the B a r b i c a n H a l l ' s e x c e l l e n t acoustics o p e r a t e from all parts of the hall, w i t h the a d d i t i o n a l t r u m p e t s a n d t r o m b o n e s p e r c h e d at either e n d of the first tier b a l c o n y . T h e i r p l a y i n g was crisp throughout. Paul P a t t e r s o n is a y o u n g c o m p o s e r w h o s e Te Deum is part of a t r i l o g y of w o r k s (the others (Mass of the Sea a n d Stabat Mater) are associated w i t h the T h r e e C h o i r s F e s t i v a l . T h e Te Deum, w r i t t e n for t h e 1988 festival is, i n places, b r o o d i n g a n d sinister, m o o d at odds w i t h its message of joyful praise, a l t h o u g h there are m a n y passages of pure exultation. U n l i k e m a n y settings, it is as m u c h a n o r c h e s t r a l p i e c e as a c h o r a l w o r k ; the o p e n i n g s e c t i o n contains fanfares a n d u n s e t t l i n g p e r c u s s i o n . T h e v o c a l sections range from p l a i n song-based passages to a m o r e o p e r a t i c style: a n e c e s s a r y v a r i e t y
in a p i e c e of this l e n g t h . B o t h the adult a n d c h i l d r e n ' s c h o i r s p r o d u c e d strong, clear s i n g i n g , w h i l e the p u r e , assured tones of the P o l i s h s o p r a n o , M a l g o r z a t a A r m a n o w s k a floated c l e a r l y a b o v e the accompaniment. W a l t o n d e s c r i b e d his o r a t o r i o , Belshazzar's Feast as 'a b e a s t l y noise' a n d the setting of verses from the O l d T e s t a m e n t c o n c e r n i n g the d o w n f a l l of B a b y l o n is c e r t a i n l y not fainthearted. N o r was this r e n d e r i n g , from t h e o p e n i n g fanfare, t h r o u g h the full-blooded praise of the p a g a n gods ( w h i m s i c a l l y c o l o u r e d b y different i n s t r u m e n t s s u c h as p e r c u s s i v e w o o d ) to the final joyful a l l e l u i a s. Sadly, w h i l e S t e p h e n Roberts sang the solos a c c u r a t e l y , t h e y l a c k e d p a s s i o n or e x p r e s s i o n , r o b b i n g the p i e c e of s o m e of its d r a m a , p a r t i c u l a r l y i n his a n n o u n c e m e n t of B e l s h a z z a r ' s death. Still, this is c o m p e n s a t e d for b y the magnificent s i n g i n g of the B r i g h t o n F e s t i v a l C h o i r , w h o s h o w e d no signs of stress from t w o s u c h d e m a n d i n g pieces.
Marshal Law Kingdom of the Blind
Liz W
The S helt er in g S k y Law finds God... T o a n y b o d y w i t h a n y taste this title a l o n e s h o u l d be e n o u g h to d r o p F e l i x , r u s h off to the nearest c o m i c shop a n d b u y the n e w c o m i c , f r o m Apocalypse, a n e w British company. T o those of y o u w h o haven't h a d the pleasure to r e a d the p r e v i o u s stories, I'll explain.
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E p i c . B e r n a r d o B e r t o l u c c i ' s films have a t e n d e n c y to be epic, f r o m Lasf Tango in Paris to The Last Emperor, a n d this is n o e x c e p t i o n . E p i c a c t u a l l y m e a n s s e v e r a l things. Firstly, l o n g , a n d this c e r t a i n l y is, at o v e r 214 hours. E p i c also has s o m e t h i n g to do w i t h i m p r e s s i v e landscapes, a n d w e h a v e t h e m . S a n d b y the desert l o a d , from the hard, b a k e d v a r i e t y to that h o r r i b l e b l o w y stuff that gets t r a p p e d b e t w e e n y o u r toes. E p i c means a b r o a d v i s t a of h u m a n feeling a n d r e l a t i o n s h i p , or to put it m o r e s i m p l y , t w o people g o i n g d o w n the p l u g h o l e of life. Kit ( D e b r a W i n g e r ) a n d P o r t (John M a l k o v i c h ) a r e t w o A m e r i c a n travellers— not tourists, because tourists are t h i n k i n g of g o i n g h o m e , travellers, a p p a r e n t l y , are not—in N o r t h A f r i c a . T h e i r m a r r i a g e is o n the r o c k s , a n d attempts at sex are a b r u p t l y e n d e d b y a s e v e r e o u t b r e a k of p h i l o s o p h y . P o r t seeks solace (i.e. sex) w i t h a local prostitute, w h o in t u r n seeks
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o n l y his w a l l e t . K i t has an a l c o h o l i c fling w i t h fellow t r a v e l l e r C a m p b e l l , but this aids n o t h i n g . C a m p b e l l quits, P o r t c r o a k s a n d K i t heads for the desert. . A l l (mildly) e n t e r t a i n i n g stuff. M i x e d i n w i t h this lot are a pair of E n g l i s h grotesques w h o foist t h e m s e l v e s o n our hapless heroes w i t h p l e a s i n g regularity— they l i v e n up the film no e n d . O t h e r w i s e w e are stuck w i t h endless shots of hills a n d dunes, all of w h i c h are v e r y i m p r e s s i v e but not t e r r i b l y e n t e r t a i n i n g . T h e c h a r a c t e r s go t h r o u g h their paces, l e a r n not to get too c o c k y a b r o a d a n d suffer for d o i n g so. Paul B o w l e s , author of the n o v e l o n w h i c h this is based, m a k e s a few i r r i t a t i n g a p p e a r a n c e s as a n a r r a t o r — i r r i t a t i n g because he's the o n l y one w h o seems to k n o w w h a t ' s g o i n g t h r o u g h the c h a r a c t e r s' m i n d . M e a n w h i l e w e w a t c h the camels. H a r m l e s s , a n d m i l d l y b o r i n g — r e a d the b o o k . Pendragon.
T h e strip is set i n the near future i n the ruins of S a n F r a n c i s c o (now c a l l e d S a n Futuro). G e n e t i c m a n i p u l a t i o n , drugs a n d o p e r a t i o ns c r e a t e d b y " D r S h o k k " h a v e a l l o w e d A m e r i c a to create super heroes for w a r s i n S o u t h A m e r i c a . It is o n l y w h e n the s u p e r - p o w e r e d m e n r e t u r n to " n o r m a l " life, suffering f r o m the p s y c h o l o g i c a l h a n g ups c a u s e d b y the w a r s , that a l l hell b r e a k s l o o s e . So the p o l i c e d e p a r t m e n t hires an e x - S h o k k T r o o p e r to h e l p d e a l w i t h the p r o b l e m . Enter Marshal L a w . T h e strip has a l w a y s dealt w i t h the c o n s e q u e n c e s of super p o w e r s i n the r e a l w o r l d , in a s i m i l a r v e i n to the brilliant Watchmen, but w i t h a m u c h m o r e brutal but d a r k l y h u m o u r o u s style. Kingdom of the Blind is a c o n t i n u a t i o n of this, based a r o u n d a p a r o d y of m y o l d favourite, B a t m a n . Suffice it to say that it is as e x c e l l e n t as the p r e v i o u s stories, the w h o l e p r o d u c t b e i n g a superb e x a m p l e of w h a t a m o d e r n c o m i c s h o u l d be; intelligent, funny, thought p r o v o k i n g , a n d w i t h s o m e serious points to m a k e . Not to m e n t i o n the a r t w o r k ! O n c e again, B U Y IT! A l i e n Sex
Fiend
U n M o n d e Sans Pitie REVIEWS
H
A n o t h e r m o d e r n r o m a n c e in Paris? Hippo (Hippolyte Girardot), a y o u n g , casual, c o n t e n t e d a n d s p o n t a n e o u s m a n , lives his life p a r t l y b y playing poker a n d partly by being s u p p o r t e d b y X a v i e r , his y o u n g e r b r o t h e r w h o deals in c a n n a b i s but k n o w n b y their parents as a student. Nathalie (Mireille Perrier), w h o m H i p p o meets o n e night a n d falls in l o v e w i t h i m m e d i a t e l y , is an o r d i n a r y u n i v e r s i t y student. Despite her judgement that t h e y can't be l o v e r s because of different lifestyles, Nathalie still s u r r e n d e r s to H i p p o ' s raffish c h a r m .
Of course, the l o v e story of s u c h a c o n t r a s t i n g p a i r w o n ' t be so s i m p l e . T h e i r r e l a t i o n sh ip c o m e s to a q u e s t i o n m a r k w h e n Nathalie is g i v e n a o n e y e a r ' s t e a c h i n g post at M I T in B o s t o n . H i p p o finds it i m p o s s i b l e to l e a v e P a r i s a n d f o l l o w her. But he c h a n g e s his m i n d after X a v i e r is caught for d e a l i n g i n c o c a i n e a n d his p a r e n t s accuse h i m of not t a k i n g p r o p e r care of his b r o t h e r . O n his w a y to tell Nathalie that he is g o i n g w i t h her, he is stopped b y p o l i c e for d r i v i n g a stolen
Fantasia K B
m e of the o n e b y J e a n P a u l B e l m o n d e i n Bout de Souffle, M o n s i e u r H i p p o l y t e G i r a r d o t m a n a g e s to b r i n g some freshness. O n e cannot d e n y b e i n g attracted b y his c h a r m just o n e m i n u t e after the film has started, w h e n the c a m e r a focuses o n h i m w a l k i n g h o m e casually w i t h a s m i l e so full of selfc o n f i d e n c e . N o w o n d e r he w o n the F r e n c h 'Oscars' for Most P r o m i s i n g Y o u n g A c t o r w i t h this film!
car ( w h i c h he thinks is a b a n d o n e d ) . In the e n d he doesn't m a n a g e to contact N a t h a l i e . A y e a r later, H i p p o waits at the airport for N a t h a l i e to r e t u r n from Boston... T h o u g h the c h a r a c t e r of H i p p o r e m i n d s
S Su.
Come See The Paradise A t r o c i t i e s didn't just h a p p e n to soldiers d u r i n g the S e c o n d W o r l d W a r — b u t I'm not t a l k i n g about o c c u p i e d E u r o p e here. A m e r i c a , l a n d of the free, h o m e of the A m e r i c a n D r e a m , l o c k e d a l l J a p a n e s e i m m i g r a n t s in c o n c e n t r a t i o n c a m p s w i t h i n m o n t h s of the b o m b i n g of P e a r l H a r b o u r . E v e n p e o p l e w h o w e r e o n l y l / 1 6 t h J a p a n e s e c o u l d be forcibly evacuated under Roosevelt's E x e c u t i v e O r d e r 9066. A fascinating a n d not a little h o r r i f y i n g story, a n d one w o r t h y of b e i n g d e b a t e d o n film.
•
F o r its fiftieth a n n i v e r s a r y this classic has b e e n g i v e n a g o o d c l e a n . In 1988 the o r i g i n a l three strip t e c h n i c o l o r w a s c l e a n e d a n d restored to t r y a n d restore the m a g i c of the o r i g i n a l . W h e t h e r their efforts h a v e m a d e a n y difference is u n c e r t a i n , but o n e t h i n g is still true—that there is o n l y o n e Fantasia. It is t w o hours of pure e n t e r t a i n m e n t w i t h every conceivable emotion portrayed t h r o u g h the b r i l l i a n t a n i m a t i o n . F r o m e v i l to saintliness a n d joy to sadness, it's all here. E v e r y b o d y k n o w s the S o r c e r e r ' s A p p r e n t i c e but for m e the best section is the d a n c i n g h i p p o p o t a m u s . W a t c h i n g the frantic chases as the a l l i g a t o r pursues his true l o v e causes the w h o l e audience to erupt in fits of laughter. It is ra t her r e m i n i s c e n t of the football m a t c h scene f r o m Bedknobs and Broomsticks with numerous collisions and general confusion.
It is not the o n l y t h e m e that A l a n P a r k e r (Mississippi Burning, Fame, Bugsy Malone) chooses to address in his latest film, but it is b y far the most significant. T h e start of the film is a b l i n d , a set up for the c h a r a c t e r of Jack, an Irish A m e r i c a n a n d a c t i v e m e m b e r of the F i l m Projectionist's U n i o n . J a c k ( p l a y e d b y D e n n i s Q u a i d , b a c k o n f o r m after the dire When I Fall in Love) ends up w o r k i n g i n a small Japanese Theatre o w n e d by M r K a w a m u r e . W h i l e taking a lunch break w i t h C h a r l i e , K a w a m u r a ' s son a n d an allA m e r i c a n b o y , J a c k sees L i l y t h r o u g h a shop w i n d o w , falling m a d l y in l o v e w i t h her. F a c i n g p r e j u d i c e f r o m the Japanese c o m m u n i t y t h e y e l o p e a n d m a r r y , but w h e n J a c k gets arrested o n a d e m o L i l y returns h o m e , just in time to be e v a c u a t e d w i t h the rest of her family. She ends up i n a c a m p i n the m i d d l e of a desert, a n d J a c k in the a r m y .
If y o u haven't seen it before the go a n d be entertained. If y o u h a v e (and I m e a n m o r e than the clips t h e y s h o w at Christmas) go a g a i n . Ian Hodge.
W h a t starts off as a l o v e story, w i t h a bit of w o r k i n g class a g i p r o p , s u d d e n l y v e e r s off into a tale of prejudice, hysteria (similar p e r h a p s to that w h i c h fueled A l a n B a i l e y ' s letter to this v e r y organ) a n d
I
T h i s first feature of the p r o m i s i n g , young French director Eric Rochant w o n h i m the P r i x L o u i s D e l l u c a n d F r e n c h 'Oscars' for Best First F i l m . H e successfully c a t c h e s the c o n t e m p o r a r y m i n d s of y o u n g Parisiens, as c o n d e n s e d into H i p p o a n d Nathalie's characters. T h e carefreeness of H i p p o a n d the p o s i t i v i t y of N a t h a l i e , as w e l l as the c h a r a c t e r s of others s u c h as X a v i e r , H i p p o ' s friend H a l p e r , his e x - g i r l f r i e n d F r a n c i n e a n d his parents, b l e n d w e l l into this c h a r m i n g t r a g i - c o m e d y , that c o u l d e a s i l y be the most c o n t e m p o r a r y film so far this year.
man's a b i l i t y to be c r u e l to e a c h other i n direct c o n t r a d i c t i o n of a l l that t h e y purport to s t a n d for. T e c h n i c a l l y , the film is s t u n n i n g . W e l l shot w i t h beautiful p e r i o d d e t a i l , it c o u l d almost be c o n t e m p o r a r y , but for the message a n d c o l o u r . T h e e m o t i o n a l c h a r g e is s t r o n g , a n d the film m o v i n g . I w o u l d w h o l e h e a r t e d l y r e c o m m e n d this film but for o n e reservation—at 133 minutes it is a little o v e r - l o n g , a n d c o u l d h a v e d o n e w i t h a little c o m p r e s s i o n of the o p e n i n g s e q u e n c e . W i t h the l o v e story, a n d the serious prejudice t h e m e p e r h a p s this c a n be best d e s c r i b e d as a n intellectual date m o v e . See it a n y w a y . Pendragon.
9
) liege Felix presents the details of a new developement in research at Imperial
SCIENCE
Quadspace: Found One Dimension
O n M o n d a y this w e e k , the S p a c e - T i m e I n t e r d i s c i p l i n a r y R e s e a r c h C e n t r e (IRC) at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e a n n o u n c e d that a g r o u n d - b r e a k i n g n e w paper is to be p u b l i s h e d in the near future. T h e p a p e r details a r a d i c a l n e w a r e a of d i m e n s i o n a l r e s e a r c h a n d is titled ' Q u a d r a c y c l i c D i m e n s i o n a l A n o m a l i e s a n d their effects on the Space T i m e C o n t i n u u m ' . It was w r i t t e n b y t w o i n d e p e n d e n t researchers w o r k i n g at the I R C , J B r i a n t a n d A Butcher. The pair have been w o r k i n g on
the concepts o u t l i n e d in the p a p e r for most of their lives a n d met at I m p e r i a l College. T h e r e s e a r c h b e g a n s e v e r a l years ago w h e n B r i a n t a n d B u t c h e r , quite i n d e p e n d e n t l y at the t i m e , b e c a m e fascinated b y the n u m b e r of times objects a p p a r e n t l y d i s a p p e a r e d w i t h o u t a trace, o n l y to be f o u n d again later w i t h no difficulty. H o w e v e r , it w a s not until t h e y met at I m p e r i a l that the v a g u e theories that b o t h h a d c o a l e s c e d into the c u r r e n t
r e s e a r c h . T o e x p l a i n : h o w m a n y times h a v e y o u 'lost' a n object, s e a r c h e d t h o r o u g h l y for it a n d not b e e n able to d i s c o v e r its w h e r e a b o u t s , o n l y to d i s c o v e r it, after a p e r i o d of t i m e, w i t h r e l a t i v e ease? P r o b a b l y h u n d r e d s , yet few p e o p l e h a v e e v e r s t o p p e d to q u e s t i o n this p h e n o m e n a . T h i s w e e k F e l i x is able to b r i n g y o u an e x c l u s i v e p r e v i e w to the paper, w r i t t e n b y the researchers themselves.
Quadracyclic Dimensional Anomalies and their effects on the Space Time Continuum—an overview Before b e g i n n i n g this d i s c u s s i o n of quadracyclic dimensional anomalies, and in o r d e r to s i m p l i f y the f o l l o w i n g concepts, it w o u l d be a d v i s a b l e for us to e x p l a i n s o m e of the terms w h i c h are c o m m o n l y u s e d i n c o n j u n c t i o n w i t h this r e s e a r c h . ' Q u a d s p a c e ' is u s e d to refer to the w h e r e a b o u t s of a n object that has b e e n the focal p o i n t of a n a n o m a l y . T h u s an object is r e f e r r e d to as b e i n g ' i n q u a d s p a c e ' a n d w h e n a n object enters q u a d s p a c e , it is said to h a v e b e e n 'quadspaced'. F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e p o i n t at w h i c h a q u a d s p a c e d object r e t u r n s to r e a l space is t e r m e d the 'exit p o i n t ' . T h e r e s e a r c h into q u a d s p a c e has p r o g r e s s e d s l o w l y , o w i n g b o t h to a lack of funding, a n d the i n h e r e n t difficulty of the w o r k . B y its v e r y nature, q u a d s p a c e is e x t r e m e l y difficult to investigate, a n d is a perfect e x a m p l e of v a r i o u s u n c e r t a i n t y p r i n c i p l e s ; w h e n a c t u a l l y l o o k i n g for a quadspace anomaly one almost never o c c u r s , yet w h e n y o u r b a c k is t u r n e d , so to speak (sometimes quite literally), o n e o c c u r s . Despite these p r o b l e m s , h o w e v e r , w e h a v e m a n a g e d to m a k e s o m e progress, w h i c h w e shall attempt to explain herein. W h i l e i n i t i a l l y all aspects of quadspace effects a p p e a r e d to be r a n d o m , after s o m e i n v e s t i g a t i o n , a n d t h e a p p l i c a t i o n of m o d e r n chaos t h e o r y , it w a s f o u n d that c e r t a i n patterns e x i s t e d , a n d c e r t a i n p r i n c i p l e s a p p e a r e d to be a c t i n g . W e shall start b y e x a m i n i n g the o b s e r v a t i o n s a n d h y p o t h e s e s that h a v e b e e n a r r i v e d at r e l a t i n g to quadspace effects, a n d t h e n c o n t i n u e b y discussing the theories that w e h a v e p r o p o s e d to e x p l a i n these effects. A n y object c a n be q u a d s p a c e d , w i t h the t r a n s i t i o n of a n object at the focal p o i n t of a n a n o m a l y from r e a l space into quadspace a p p e a r i n g to be instantaneous. H o w e v e r , c e r t a i n objects a p p e a r to h a v e an i n c r e a s e d l i k e l i h o o d of b e i n g at the focal point of a n a n o m a l y . S o m e appear to h a v e an i n h e r e n t l y higher p r o b a b i l i t y associated w i t h t h e m , but those of a s m a l l p h y s i c a l size, a n d / o r large l e v e l of ' i m p o r t a n c e ' h a v e b e e n s h o w n to possess
10
a m u c h h i g h e r p r o b a b i l i t y of b e c o m i n g quadspaced. It is the s e c o n d of these c r i t e r i a that has caused t h e largest a m o u n t of c o n t r o v e r s y i n this r e s e a r c h . T h e i m p l i c a t i o n that the h u m a n brain's p e r c e p t i o n of the n e e d for a n object at a n y g i v e n t i m e c a n i n s o m e w a y affect the p h y s i c a l p r o p e r t i e s of t h e said object w i t h i n the s p a c e t i m e c o n t i n u u m is n o t h i n g short of r e v o l u t i o n a r y . It has l e d
are p o o r l y u n d e r s t o o d a n d often based mainly on obscure and complicated m a t h e m a t i c s that are b e y o n d the scope of this article. O b v i o u s l y , the S P L I F v a l u e of a g i v e n object w i l l v a r y w i t h t i m e . It appears that the rate of i n c r e a s e of a n object's S P L I F v a l u e also has a n affect o n the p r o b a b i l i t y of the object b e i n g q u a d s p a c e d . T h u s if an object s u d d e n l y b e c o m e s i m p o r t a n t , the c h a n c e s of it b e i n g q u a d s p a c e d also
sum
of their values.
Thus, in a given area
p(quad)«Qf PLIF S
object
5y-
w h e r e n = n u m b e r of objects O n c e a n object has b e e n q u a d s p a c e d , * the a m o u n t of t i m e spent in quadspace is largely random. H o w e v e r , in c o m m o n w i t h other aspects of q u a d s p a c e p h e n o m e n a , t h e r e do s e e m to be s o m e u n d e r l y i n g p r i n c i p l e s . T h e a m o u n t of t i m e an object spends i n q u a d s p a c e is a p p a r e n t l y p r o p o r t i o n a l b o t h to the a m o u n t of t i m e spent s e a r c h i n g for the object, a n d t h e l e v e l of the S P L I F v a l u e for the object as it c h a n g e s w i t h t i m e . Thus
t quad
and
t
q u a d
Kt search
«.(dSPLIF/dt)
2
W h e r e t(quad) = t i m e spent in quadspace t(search) = t i m e spent s e a r c h i n g
all objects i n r e a l space exist in four d i m e n s i o n s . If o n e i m a g i n e s that the space-time in a l o c a l i s e d a r e a 'twists' o r rotates a r o u n d these axes, t h e n the t a x i s w o u l d , for e x a m p l e b e c o m e the x axis, the x axis w o u l d translate to the y axis, a n d so o n . T h u s to a n o b s e r v e r outside the a r e a of this R o t a t i o n a l l y O p e r a t i v e A n o m a l y C e n t r e H y s t e r e s i s , or R O A C H , an object at t h e focal p o i n t of the 'twisting' w o u l d vanish. It seems, h o w e v e r , that space time has a resistance to this effect, a k i n to a l e v e l of elasticity. W h i l e a R O A C H c a n o c c u r g i v e n the r i g h t c o n d i t i o n s , it c a n o n l y exist for a short t i m e before space t i m e reverts to its p r e v i o u s state, a n d a n y object caught at the focal p o i n t of the R O A C H r e t u r n s to r e a l space. H o w e v e r , due to the t r a n s l a t i o n a l effect of the twisting, a n d t h e r e l a t i v e m o v e m e n t of the object's o r i g i n a l p o s i t i o n o v e r the p e r i o d of the R O A C H q u a d s p a c e effect the e x i t point of the object from it w i l l often be at a different p o s i t i o n i n r e a l space t h a n that at w h i c h it i n i t i a l l y h e l d . A s d i s c u s s e d a b o v e , it a p p e a r s that the p r o b a b i l i t y of a R O A C H o c c u r r i n g is
T h e u n i v e r s e is a p p a r e n t l y infinite w i t h i n the four c o m m o n d i m e n s i o n s . H o w e v e r , it is possible that o t h e r ' u n i v e r s e s ' exist i n p a r a l l e l to it, utilising o t h e r s . Q u a d s p a c e m a y be s u c h a p a r a l l e l . If this is true t h e n s e v e r a l o b s e r v a t i o n s c a n b e a r r i v e d at as to its nature. M o s t i m p o r t a n t l y q u a d s p a c e is o b v i o u s l y c l o s e l y associated w i t h o u r u n i v e r s e . It is this that a l l o w s quadspace effects to o c c u r , w h e n a n object f r o m r e a l space enters o r leaves q u a d s p a c e . T h e nature of this t r a v e l is a m a t t e r of s o m e discussion a n d conjecture, but the most l i k e l y m e a n s are b a s e d o n a n o b s c u r e b r a n c h of g e o m e t r i c a l m a t h e m a t i c s , w h i c h c a n be used to s h o w a process b y w h i c h objects c o u l d enter or l e a ve an a r e a s u c h as q u a d s p a c e. T h e k e y equations, w h o s e c o m p l e x i t y p r e c l u d e s a d e t a i l e d a n a l y s i s here, c o m b i n e to f o r m the D u a l O p t i m i s e d P e r m i s s i b i l i t y Expression, or D O P E . This process is best i m a g i n e d as a n o v e r l a p p i n g of r e a l space a n d quadspace, and t h e n the f o r m a t i o n of a t e m p o r a r y l i n k b e t w e e n t h e m , c a u s e d b y specific c i r c u m s t a n c e s . T h e E x t r a p o l a t i o n of the D O P E also leads to s o m e other inferences about q u a d s p a c e a n d r e l a t e d events. T h e D O P E c l e a r l y s h o w s that t h e p r o b a b i l i t y of the l i n k o c c u r r i n g is r e l a t e d to the size of the focal a r e a of the l i n k , w i t h s m a l l e r focal areas m u c h m o r e l i k e l y t h a n large ones. O n c e a g a i n this e x p l a i n s the r e l a t i o n b e t w e e n p(quad) a n d V . It w o u l d a p p e a r l i k e l y that q u a d s p a c e is not infinite in the same w a y as this u n i v e r s e , or at least does not h a v e the same infinite c a p a c i t y for objects from r e a l space. T h u s t h e h i g h e r the total v o l u m e of r e a l space objects i n q u a d s p a c e , the less c h a n c e of a n o t h e r o n e e n t e r i n g d u r i n g a link, a n d the m o r e c h a n c e of o n e r e t u r n i n g to r e a l space. o b j e c t
Quad Space in action
A Bic biro to the definition of a n e w p r o p e r t y of matter, the Specific P e r c e i v e d L e v e l of I m p o r t a n c e F i e l d , o r S P L I F . T h e S P L I F is the l e v e l of t h e v a l u e of o r n e e d for a g i v e n object at a g i v e n t i m e as p e r c e i v e d b y a g i v e n p e r s o n . Items that t y p i c a l l y have a high SPLIF value include such I things as k e y s , w r i t i n g i m p l e m e n t s , c h e q u e b o o k s , c r e d it cards, c o n t r a c e p t i v e s , cigarettes, m a t c h e s o r lighters, a n d scraps of p a p e r w i t h p h o n e n u m b e r s o r l a b results w r i t t e n o n t h e m . T h u s , at a g i v e n time t
V object p(quad)
SPLIF
(
object
W h e r e p(quad) = the p r o b a b i l i t y of the object e n t e r i n g quadspace v o l u m e of the object s P L I F , ect = S P L I F v a l u e of object at that t i m e . It s h o u l d be n o t e d w i t h these a n d a n y f o l l o w i n g f o r m u l a e that t h e y are v e r y i n a c c u r a t e a p p r o x i m a t i o n s of v e r y c o m p l i c a t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p s , m a n y of w h i c h obi
p(quad) x / d S P L l F V
U J
p(quad)* 1
and
increase, a p p a r e n t l y i n a l o o s e e x p o n e n t i a l r e l a t i o n . T h i s e x p l a i n s the so c a l l e d 'safe p l a c e ' p h e n o m e n o n : w h e n a n object is s t o r e d i n a safe p l a c e a n d t he n, after a p e r i o d of uselessness, b e c o m e s n e e d e d q u i c k l y , it has suffered a quadspace a n o m a l y . E x a m p l e s are sports e q u i p m e n t s t o r e d out of season, a n d i m p o r t a n t but little-used d o c u m e n t s (birth certificates, etc). T h u s at a g i v e n t i m e t
In a d d i t i o n to this there also appear to be areas w h e r e quadspace a c t i v i t y is a b n o r m a l l y h i g h . I n v e s t i g a t i o n of these ' Q u a d z o n e s ' has l e d to the theories of SPLIF value addition and quadzones. A q u a d z o n e is a n a r e a of r e a l space that has a h i g h l e v e l q u a d s p a c e activity. T h e o n l y e x p l a n a t i o n s for this i n v o l v e s o m e v e r y h i g h l e v e l m a t h e m a t i c s w h i c h are b e y o n d the s c o p e of this a r t i c l e . H o w e v e r , the p r i n c i p l e b e h i n d S P L I F v a l u e a d d i t i o n is m o r e w i t h i n the scope of this discussion. In a n a r e a w h e r e there is a h i g h p r o p o r t i o n of objects w i t h h i g h S P L I F v a l u e s, t h e y appear to create a c o m b i n e d effect that is larger t h a n the
T h e exit point, of a q u a d s p a c e d object, in c o m m o n w i t h the t i m e spent i n quadspace, is t o t a l l y u n p r e d i c t a b l e b y a n y c u r r e n t scientific m e a n s . P a r a n o r m a l t e c h n i q u e s h a v e also p r o v e d unsuccessful to this point. H o w e v e r , also i n c o m m o n w i t h other aspects of q u a d s p a c e , there do s e e m to be s o m e basic l a w s . Q u a d s p a c e d objects n e v e r e x i t to a p o i n t c u r r e n t l y under observation by any k n o w n method. T h e e x i t of a n object from q u a d s p a c e appears to be instantaneous. A l s o , it is e n t i r e l y possible for a q u a d s p a c e d object to exit to a p o i n t that was c l e a r l y i n v i e w or h a d b e e n s e a r c h e d s e v e r a l times d u r i n g the c o u r s e of a t t e m p t i n g to find the object. T h i s has o c c u r r e d i n s e v e r a l case, as has the o c c u r r e n c e of the exit point in s o m e p l a c e that said object c o u l d not h a v e r e a c h e d b y a n y o t h e r m e a n s . It was the c o m b i n a t i o n of these t w o factors that l e a d to m u c h of the e a r l y r e s e a r c h into q u a d s p a c e. T h e r e h a v e b e e n s e v e r a l hypotheses suggested to e x p l a i n the u n d e r l y i n g p r i n c i p l e s b e h i n d a n d the nature of quadspace. A l l h a v e b e e n i n v e s t i g a t e d, and there are t w o that a p p e a r to be the most correct. T h e first r e v o l v e s a r o u n d t h e t h e o r y of d i m e n s i o n a l ' t w i s t i n g ' . T o put this s i m p l y ,
affected b y v a r i o u s c o n d i t i o n s , i n c l u d i n g the S P L I F . T h e resistance of space time to the t w i s t i n g w o u l d a p p e a r to increase w i t h the v o l u m e of r e a l space i n v o l v e d , e x p l a i n i n g the r e l a t i o n of p(quad) t o ' t h e v o l u m e of the object. It has b e e n t h e o r i s e d that there exists a R O A C H potential, w h i c h c a n be v i s u a l i s e d as a f o r m of p o t e n t i a l e n e r g y . W h e n the R O A C H p o t e n t i a l reaches a c e r t a i n l e v e l a R O A C H c a n o c c u r , or c a n c o n t i n u e to exist. T h e h i g h e r the p o t e n t i a l a b o v e this point the h i g h e r the p r o b a b i l i t y of the effect o c c u r r i n g o r c o n t i n u i n g . O n c e the potential drops b e l ow a certain level space t i m e r e v e r t s to its p r e v i o u s state. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , no a c c e p t a b l e scale or m e a n s of m e a s u r i n g the p o t e n t i a l at a g i v e n point has b e e n d i s c o v e r e d to date. It c a n be i n f e r r e d , h o w e v e r , that most of the o b s e r v e d r e l a t i o n s h i p s discussed a b o v e relate to this R O A C H p o t e n t i a l , and w h e n the v a r i o u s c o n d i t i o n s exist at c e r t a in levels the p r o b a b i l i t y of a R O A C H quadspace e v e n t o c c u r r i n g is i n c r e a s e d . T h e s e c o n d hypothesis deals w i t h the c o n s i d e r a t i o n of quadspace e x i s t i n g i n a separate sense to the c o n t i n u u m i n w h i c h w e exist, as o p p o s e d to the a b o v e v i e w , w h e r e i n q u a d s p a c e is seen to be a c h a r a c t e r i s t ic of real space.
It also appears that r e a l space objects h a v e a l o w affinity for q u a d s p a c e , but this affinity m a y be a l t e r e d b y c e r t a i n conditions, a n d varies w i t h certain p r o p e r t i e s of the object, s u c h as its c u r r e n t S P L I F v a l u e . T h u s a n objects affinity for q u a d s p a c e m a y be raised to the p o i n t w h e r e it c a n exist there, b y increases in factors s u c h as the objects S P L I F o r b y the c o m b i n e d S P L I F values of objects near to it i n r e a l space (see the equations a b o v e ) . H o w e v e r , if these factors t h e n c h a n g e , the objects affinity for q u a d s p a c e m a y d r o p b e l o w a c r i t i c a l l e v e l . A t this p o i n t the objects f o r e i g n nature w i l l cause it to be e x p e l l e d from q u a d s p a c e at the n e x t l i n k . T h e reason w h y objects t e n d to be e x p e l l e d i n a n a r e a close to that w h e r e the initial l i n k f o r m e d are n o t k n o w n at this point. W e w o u l d l i k e t o t h a n k a l l those w h o h a v e h e l p e d us w i t h this r e s e a r c h , a n d to e x t e n d this t h a n k s to IC itself, for a l l o w i n g us the facilities w e n e e d e d .
11
Richard Eyers investigates thetwin dangers facing cyclists in London
FELIX
Peddling Death
on
Jr FELIX
the m a i n roads, for c y c l i n g o n p a v e m e n t s , d o w n o n e - w a y streets, or t h r o u g h r e d lights. Most cyclists b r e a k the l a w at least o n c e o n their j o u r n e y . Statistically, the t w o m o s t d a n g e r o u s times to be o n the r o a d are b e t w e e n 8.00am a n d 9 . 0 0 a m , a n d b e t w e e n 5 . 0 0 p m a n d 6.00pm. T h e s e times reflect b o t h the increase i n c y c l e a n d c a r j o u r n e y s to a n d f r o m w o r k . T h e s e p e a k s of a c c i d e n t p o t e n t i a l also c o i n c i d e w i t h the t i m e m a n y are c y c l i n g either to, o r from, C o l l e g e: starting the d a y e a r l i e r w o u l d p l a c e us i n t h e m i d d l e of the first peak! T h e r e is no d o u b t that p e d a l c y c l e s are b e c o m i n g i n c r e a s i n g l y m o r e p o p u l a r as a c h e a p a n d fast m e a n s of transport, but the p r o p o r t i o n of cyclists i n v o l v e d i n accidents per w e e k is also i n c r e a s i n g . Inner L o n d o n s h o w s the biggest increase, in 1989 it a c c o u n t e d for 5 2 % of a l l p e d a l c y c l e accidents in the U K . T h e b o r o u g h of W e s t m i n s t e r , c o n t a i n i n g I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e , h a d the highest r e p o r t e d rate of a c c i d e n t per p e r s o n .
Is L o n d o n r e a l l y safe for cyclists? T h i s is a question that a lot of p e o p l e i g n o r e , despite k n o w i n g the a n s w e r . T h e y have, in s o m e cases, k n o w n for y e a r s that L o n d o n is n o t a p a r t i c u l a r l y safe p l a c e to be o n a b i k e , a n d yet t h e y a p p a r e n t l y accept this. W h y ? T h e recent c y c l e r a l l y at T r a f a l g a r Square s h o w e d that w h e n just a s m a l l g r o u p of L o n d o n ' s c y c l i n g p o p u l a t i o n get together t h e y a r e a force to be r e c k o n e d w i t h . C h a n g e s c o u l d be m a d e to i m p r o v e the safety of cyclists, if t h e y s h o w that t h e y n e e d t h e m . Part of the w h o l e p r o b l e m is that people do n o t realise just h o w b a d the s i t u a t i o n is. F o r e x a m p l e , b e t w e e n the years 1988 a n d 1989 there was a 2 5 % increase in 'pedal cycle accident casualties' in L o n d o n . Y o u g e n e r a l l y accept that y o u are t a k i n g s o m e risk e v e r y t i m e y o u set out o n y o u r b i c y c l e . T h i s is regardless of the l e n g t h of the j o u r n e y . T h e risk, as far as most are c o n c e r n e d , is of s o m e sort of m i n o r a c c i d e n t , a b r u s h w i t h a car o r s o m e t h i n g fairly t r i v i a l . M o s t take an 'itwon't-happen-to-me' a p p r o a c h : u n f o r t u n a t e l y t h e r e is a n i n c r e a s i n g c h a n c e that it w i l l . In fact these p e o p l e are p r o b a b l y m o r e at risk because of this foolish a p p r o a c h . T h e r e has n o w , v e r y definitely, b e e n
12
s h o w n to be a s e c o n d serious threat to L o n d o n cyclists (and pedestrians). P o l l u t i o n , is at d a n g e r o u s l y h i g h levels i n our C a p i t a l . T h i s m a y s o u n d to s o m e like s c a r e m o n g e r i n g , but w h e n y o u r e a d of the possibility that C e n t r a l L o n d o n w i l l h a v e to be c l o s e d to traffic at c e r t a i n times of the d a y , this has to be at least thought about. Y o u can't help but n o t i c e , w h e n y o u w a l k or r i d e a r o u n d the city, the l e v e l of u n p l e a s a n t n e s s of the a t m o s p h e r e . The. air feels h e a v y to b r e a t h e a n d y o u r clothes a n d hair b e c o m e d i r t y in o n e a f t e r n o o n . If y o u l e a v e w i n d o w s o p e n , things a c c u m u l a t e a t h i c k b l a c k dust. Y e t the attitude in g e n e r a l is the s i m i l a r to that of t a k e n about accidents: that if y o u i g n o r e it, it w i l l not affect y o u as a n i n d i v i d u a l , a n d if y o u aren't affected, t h e n y o u don't care! This attitude is b o t h selfish, a n d as the f o l l o w i n g s h o w s , v e r y n a i v e . In p u t t i n g together this article F e l i x has d i s c o v e r e d some very disturbing information. This article is not b a s e d m e r e l y u p o n the p e r s o n a l o p i n i o n a n d g u e s s w o r k of an i n d i v i d u a l , but hard, a n d m o s t l y substantiated, facts! Accidents T h e i n f o r m a t i o n that follows o n accidents m a y not be c o m m o n k n o w l e d g e , but it
has all c o m e f r o m p u b l i s h e d M e t r o p o l i t a n P o l i c e a n d D e p a r t m e n t of T r a n s p o r t reports. B e f o r e c o n t i n u i n g , it is w o r t h r e a l i s i ng that the majority of accidents, i n c l u d i n g those w h e r e injury is caused, go u n r e p o r t e d . A r e p o r t p u b l i s h e d b y the D e p a r t m e n t of R o a d R e s e a r c h i n 1989, s h o w e d that 6 8 % of r e p o r t a b l e accidents w e r e not r e c o r d e d . It m a y s e e m like a lot of hassle r e p o r t i n g w h a t y o u m a y t h i n k is a t r i v i a l a c c i d e n t to the p o l i c e , but in b e c o m i n g a 'statistic', y o u w o u l d increase the chances of i m p r o v e m e n t s b e i n g m a d e . A n y o n e w h o has r i d d e n a b i k e in London, particularly Central London, will h a v e e x p e r i e n c e d the w a y perfectly sane p e o p l e c a n b e h a v e w h e n t h e y get b e h i n d the w h e e l of a car. E x p e r i e n c e tends to indicate that buses a n d b l a c k cabs are quite c o n s i d e r a t e t o w a r d s cyclists, whilst l o r r y a n d p r i v a t e c a r d r i v e r s are not. T h e bus a n d cab d r i v e r s are, o n the w h o l e , both more experienced drivers and have m o r e to lose if t h e y are i n v o l v e d in a serious a c c i d e n t . T h e w o r s t offender of a l l seems to be the p r i v a t e car d r i v e r w h o is o n l y in the c a p i t a l for the d a y , a n d doesn't w a n t to be here at a l l . H o w e v e r , there is often fault o n the part of the cyclist, w h e t h e r t h e y are a student, d i s p a t c h rider, o r o r d i n a r y p e r s o n . T h e r e is no e x c u s e , w h a t e v e r the dangers o n
So w h a t c a n y o u do to i m p r o v e y o u r chances? S u r p r i s i n g l y e n o u g h , c o m m o n sense is quite useful, as is the use of lights at night! P h y s i c a l l y , there are s o m e p r e c a u t i o n s that y o u c a n t a k e . So-called ' c o n s p i c u o u s aids' also p r e v e n t accidents; a large n u m b e r b e i n g caused because a v e h i c l e d r i v e r d i d n ' t see the cyclist. H e l m e t s , hard-hats, lids, c a l l t h e m w h a t y o u w a n t , m a y not l o o k p a r t i c u l a r l y g o o d but t h e y do r e d u c e h e a d injuries. T h e s e are b e c o m i n g n o w ' a c c e p t e d ' as part of the gear used b y cyclists, a n d the a r g u m e n t that t h e y m a k e y o u m o r e of a target for m o t o r i s t s is r i d i c u l o u s . U n t i l the g o v e r n m e n t instigate their p l a n for a 1000 m i l e c y c l e n e t w o r k a r o u n d L o n d o n the risk to life w i l l certainly increase. Pollution; T h e c o n t i n u a l s t r e a m of traffic, that flows 24 hours a d a y t h r o u g h a n d a r o u n d L o n d o n emits a constant f l o w of waste and u n b u r n t products. S o m e v e h i c l e s m a y run o n u n l e a d e d p e t r o l but l e a d is o n l y o n e of h u n d r e d s of c h e m i c a l s e x p e l l e d d u r i n g e v e n a short j o u r n e y . C u t t i n g it d o w n is o n l y a start. T h e list includes c a r b o n m o n o x i d e , a host of h y d r o c a r b o n s , (up to 100 per vehicle), nitrous o x i d e s , c a r b o n d i o x i d e a n d e v e n o z o n e , a n d of c o u r s e it goes o n , a n d o n . T h e actual b a l a n c e of q u a n t i t y a n d rate of e m i s s i o n d e p e n d s u p o n t h e t y p e of fuel, and the e n g i n e . T h i s is n o t the p l a c e (and it shouldn't b e necessary at IC) to e x p l a i n the e n v i r o n m e n t a l effects of exhaust emissions. H o w e v e r one p a r t i c u l a r s e c o n d a r y p o l l u t a n t has, i n recent years, e a r n e d itself a m e n t i o n : o z o n e . It is thought that h y d r o c a r b o n s a n d nitrous o x i d e s interact, c a t a l y s e d b y sunlight, to f o r m this f a v o u r i t e nasty of environmentalists. T h e r e are t w o w a y s to r e d u c e the p o l l u t i o n i n y o u r lungs, b y p r e v e n t i o n at
source, a n d b y p r o t e c t i o n . P r e v e n t i o n at source is out of the hands of the cyclist and p e d e s t r i a n , t h o u g h t h e y c a n influence it if e n o u g h a r e b o t h e r e d . T h i s process o n l y begins w i t h u n l e a d e d p e t r o l , there are t e c h n i c a l , but c u r r e n t l y e x p e n s i v e (probably because of their r a r i t y ) m e t h o d s that c a n be e m p l o y e d . T h e s e i n c l u d e the fitting of cats (catalytic c o n v e r t e r s ) that c o n v e r t e m i s s i o n s to less h a r m f u l c o m p o u n d s . Cats are a l r e a d y m a n d a t o r y in S c a n d i n a v i a , U S A a n d A u s t r i a a n d t h e y w i l l h a v e to b e fitted to e v e r y n e w B r i t i s h car f r o m 1 J a n u a r y , 1993. T h e r e are negative p o i n t s to t h e m ; t h e y are c o m p l e x , r e q u i r i n g t u n i n g of the m i x t u r e passing t h r o u g h t h e m , a n d t h e y use finite resources, t h o u g h for a v e r y g o o d r e a s o n . L e a n b u r n , l o w a i r / f u e l m i x engines, are a n o t h e r w a y of i m p r o v i n g the emissions from v e h i c l e s . F i n a l l y , ' c a r b o n canister' t e c h n o l o g y w i l l h a v e to be used in the E E C f r o m 1992, if draft p r o p o s a l s are passed. T h i s t e c h n o l o g y r e d u c e s released
petrol vapour. U n t i l e m i s s i o n s are r e d u c e d (and there is a g o o d c h a n c e that it w i l l be) there is a p r e c a u t i o n that y o u c a n t a k e . L i k e helmets, face m a s k s are b e c o m i n g m o r e and m o r e p o p u l a r , a n d if t h e y are p r o p e r l y w o r n , t h e y p r o b a b l y do i m p r o v e the air b r e a t h e d . H o w e v e r t h e r e is no B r i t i s h S t a n d a r d , a n d there is significant doubt as to t h e i r effectiveness d u r i n g strenuous e x e r c i s e , a n d as to the l e n g t h of their useful life. T h e r e m a y be s o m e h o p e for the L o n d o n C y c l i s t , but i m p r o v e m e n t s d e p e n d u p o n i n d i v i d u a l s a c t u a l l y b o t h e r i n g to c o m p l a i n a b o u t the c u r r e n t situation a n d t h e n p e r s u a d i n g legislators to do s o m e t h i n g a b o u t it! If y o u do c a r e about the c u r r e n t d a n g e r s the o n l y o r g a n i s a t i o n that is a c t i v e i n L o n d o n is t h e L o n d o n C y c l i n g C a m p a i g n . T h e y are b a s e d i n St a m ford Street, S E 1 . R i c h a r d E y e r s , Cyclist!!
FELIX braves the Beers Steers and Queers in a daring encounter with. m « W*% 1 # 1
The Revolting
If y o u w a l k into a hotel bar, full of rejects from the set of Spinal Tap a n d shout ' O k a y w h o are t h e Revolting Cocks then?' y o u e x p e c t a n u n u s u a l response. M i n e was; ' Y e p that's us'. T h e y sat m e d o w n a n d i n t r o d u c e d themselves: A l i e n called A l w o r e a c o w b o y hat, shades a n d h a d three d a y s stubble o v e r his entire h e a d ; C h r i s w a s L e v i - c l a d w i t h straggly h a i r l o o k i n g like he h a d spent most of his life glue sniffing and P a u l R a v e n bassist of Killing Joke a d d i n g s o m e w e i g h t to the i n t e r v i e w , as if to p r o v e the Revolting Cocks h a d to be t a k e n seriously. T h e Revolting Cocks, h a v e a b a d reputation; banned o n Radio a n d T V a n d not a l l o w e d to p l a y gigs i n this c o u n t r y , after a c a m p a i g n against t h e m b y Conservative M P Teddy Taylor. A s well as this, m e m b e r s of the b a n d h a v e b e e n a r r e s t e d for m a l e p r o s t i t u t i o n a n d c h a r g e s of bestiality o n stage. The Revolting Cocks h a v e c o m e to clear their n a m e . T h e y set about this i m m e d i a t e l y :
in these stories, he w a s p i s s e d out of his b r a i n a n d w a n d e r i n g a s e c t i o n of H o u s t o n k n o w n for m a l e p r o s t i t u t i o n , cause that w a s w h e r e the c l u b w a s at a n d M a r c w a s out d r u n k a n d t r i e d to flag d o w n a t a x i , o n l y it w a s a p o l i c e c a r a n d as it passed he got m a d , 'cause he t h o u g h t it w a s a t a x i , p i c k e d u p a r o c k a n d t h r e w it. A s t h e y s a w he w a s w e a r i n g a ' B e e r Steers and Q u e e r s ' t-shirt (their latest album) thought he w a s a prostitute so they arrested h i m , i n the process f o u n d t w o sl e e p i ng pills o n h i m b e c a u s e the p o o r b a s t a rd can't sleep o n a t o u r bus a l l the r o c k i n g a n d s h a k i n g , a n d that gets b l o w n out of p r o p o r t i o n , so he w a s g i v i n g b l o w jobs i n a n alley w i t h five hits of L S D o n h i m , w h a t gets m e w a s he w a s i n a c e l l w i t h a c h i l d m o l e s t e r facing s i x m o n t h s a n d M a r c c o u l d h a v e b e e n u p for 8-10 years, he d i d get off o n a l l charges, w h i c h is g o o d .
C O C K S
Ministry w e got b o o k e d i n t o a hotel u n d e r t h e p r e t e n s e w e w e r e a religious sect i n D e n v e r C o l o r a d o for four days. A l : F i v e days. C h r i s : Best f u c k i n g five d a y s of m y life. A l : Y e a r of c o u r s e w e p o u r e d soap suds in the p o o l , set off a l l t h e a l a r m s , a l l the basic shit. Chris: These people were tripping their brains out! A l : T h i s w a s t h e first t i m e the b a n d a n d the actual b u s d r i v e r w e n t w a c k o . W e had t w o bus d r i v e r s ; a h u s b a n d a n d wife t e a m . H e p u l l e d a 45 o n h e r , w e w e r e ' a l l t r i p p i n g so w e g o t o u r c a m e r a s a n d started s h o o t i n g , w h i l e the p o l i c e a n d the s q u a d t e a m c a m e i n he w a s o n the 6 t h floor t r y i n g to t h r o w his wife off, h e ' d d r a w n b o t h buses u p to the e n t r y , it w a s l i k e a s e m i c i r c l e so there w a s n o w a y i n or out, a n d h a d t h r o w n a l l the luggage out a n d cut t h e fuel lines so there w a s
A l : It's a p a c k of fucking lies e v e r y t h i n g y o u ' v e read... M e : I haven't r e a d a n y t h i n g honest! P a u l : W e l l , it's a l l true t h e n . C h r i s : Y e a h , let's m a k e u p s o m e n e w ones. A l : W h a t w e do o n stage is v e r y strange, five o r s i x of us go o n , w i t h o u r b a c k i n g tapes a n d p l a y instruments! T h i s happens still! I don't w e a r leather pants o r s c r e a m into a n e c h o p l e x w e don't d o that... M e : So w h e r e has the h y p e c o m e from? A l : I don't k n o w , I'd like to find the b a s t a r d that d i d a n d beat t h e c r a p out of h i m , o r give h i m 50 q u i d , I don't k n o w w h i c h . I m e a n , as far as the guitar p l a y e r getting arrested, that's true, the h e r d of cattle, the e l e c t r i c fence, n o that's n o t true, w h o w o u l d h a v e a n electric fence on stage? It's n o t h i n g but lawsuits for the rest of y o u r life. P a u l : W h y n o t r a z o r w i r e o r flame throwers? A l : Here's w h a t I t h i n k h a p p e n e d . W e h a v e a lot of girls w h o w a n t to d a n c e w i t h us o n stage e v e r y w h e r e w e g o , w e don't care, ra c e, c o l o u r , c r e e d , w h a t e v e r as l o n g as t h e y don't t o u c h o u r d e l i o r d r i n k o u r b e e r , fuck that's great. In H o u s t o n w e h a d a b u n c h of girls n o n e of t h e m u n d e r 2 0 stone. T h e n s o m e o n e c o m e s b a c k st a ge a n d shouts 'There's a b u n c h of c o w s o n stage!' a n d b y the t i m e it gets b a c k t o the E n g l i s h press, I've r i d d e n a m e c h a n i c a l b u l l o n stage, f u c k e d o n e of t h e m , u s e d a cattle p r o d o n t h e rest. I m e a n , t h i s is just w h a t happens. C h r i s : Y e a h w e ' r e a b u n c h of fucking choir boys. A l : Right w e ' r e nice lads, w e ' r e from Basildon really. M e : W h a t ' s y o u r v e r s i o n of the guitar p l a y e r b e i n g arrested then? A l : I m e a n there's a lot of grains of t r u t h
M e : that's fair e n o u g h . O K , h o w w a s the S u n d a y Sport party? C h r i s : It w a s r e a l l y great, it w a s the best p a r t y I h a v e e v e r b e e n t o , there w a s t w o k i n d s of p e o p l e there, b i m b o s w i t h massive tits a n d l e c h e r o u s o l d m e n , a n d m e , I got m y p h o t o like w i t h t w o babes sittin' o n m y k n e e w i t h t h e i r tits h a n g i n ' out, great m a n . A l : W h e n w e got b a c k t h e r e w a s a S p a n i s h m a i d c l e a n i n g o u r r o o m s , so I used a l l m y S p a n i s h o n h e r w h i c h is d r o p e v e r y t h i n g a n d let's fuck! S h e left fast...! M e : D o y o u e v e r get b a n n e d o r t h r o w n out of places? A l : N o N o , w e get out of p l a c es like this, this is a r o c k flea b a g m o r e bands p e r capita, y o u k n o w after y o u ' v e seen Iggy Pop passed o u t i n a n e l e v a t o r t h r o w i n g up o n himself, o n c e y o u ' v e seen o n e p u k e a t h o n y o u ' v e seen t h e m a l l . Chris: W h e n w e w e r e t o u r i n g w i t h
fuel e v e r y w h e r e , this h a p p e n e d d u r i n g h a p p y hour so w e w e r e a l l i n the b a r t r i p p i n g a n d r o o t i n g for h i m w i t h Japanese tourists t a k i n g p i c t u r es of the whole thing. C h r i s : H e ' d like t a k e n a b u n c h of c r y s t a l m e t h a d r y n e t h e n h a l l u c i n o g e n s a n d half a bottle of s e g r a m s , he w a s o u t of his fuckin' head, he d r a n k a bottle of w h i s k y at s e v e n i n t h e m o r n i n g . A l : H e just lost it, he just h a d a b a d day...just a bit! Chris: It w a s just the m i n i s t r y tour. A l : T h a t w a s t h e time M a r t i n got a c c u s e d of rape. Chris: That's r i g h t . P a u l : T h i s is o b v i o u s l y a w e l l kept secret. A l : Ask him 'Ask him'. P a u l : S h o u l d go d o w n w e l l at the right d i n n e r party! A l : H e r e ' s t h e r u b m a n . T h i s is M a r t i n A t k i n s of Public Image, Killing Joke. First
night i n D e n v e r , a n d s o m e r o a d i e asks a girl b a c k to t h e hotel, a n d t h e y ' r e sitting in the b a r d r i n k i n g a n d h e r b o y f r i e n d w a l k s i n a n d says—I w a n n a talk to y o u , w h a t are y o u d o i n g w i t h these h e a t h e n s c u m , she goes out—says ' T h e y k i d n a p p e d m e a n d t r i e d to r a p e m e ' — a n d fingured M a r t i n , he's the h i g h profile b a n d m e m b e r , he drags h e r u p to this p a r t y o n the s i x t h floor a n d goes r o u n d s a y i n g ' W h e r e ' s M a r t i n , I w a n n a find M a r t i n ' , I s a y w h a t for—rape—so I k n e w it w a s a c r o c k of shit cause M a r t i n ' s , y o u k n o w . . . s o I g r a b the g u y a n d her i n the e l e v a t o r , it's k i n d a like b l a c k m a i l , a n d said ' n o w s a y it isn't true' a n d it wasn't, she says it w a s so I hit T ' a n d k e e p hitting the g u y ' t i l w e hit t h e first floor and the doors o p e n , a n d it w a s a glass e l e v a t o r so e v e r y o n e w a s c h e e r i n g m e o n in t h e l o b b y , a n d she says 'it w a s true, it w a s true, so I h i t ' 6 ' a n d w e g o y sent b a c k u p . A f t e r t h e 3 r d trip d o w n a n d he's got b l o o d p o u r i n g e v e r y w h e r e , she goes 'I lied, I lied', so I let t h e m b o t h g o , a n d t h e y w e n t off to the p o l i c e a n d t h e y didn't go after m e o r M a r t i n but J o h n o u r tour m a n a g e r , so the s q u a d t e a m d e s c e n d o n J o h n ' s r o o m right a n d b r e a k d o w n the d o o r a n d J o h n is i n b e d w i t h a n o t h e r g i r l w h o s e m o r e t h a n w i l l i n g a n d able so he o b v i o u s l y didn't r a p e h e r a n d the p o l i c e are g o i n g 'he doesn't l o o k l i k e a rapist to m e ' a n d the g i r l has sheets a r o u n d h e r n e c k g o i n g 'what's the p r o b l e m officers?' so he got off. H e h a d to go a n d see t h e m in the m o r n i n g . Not that I ' m like a d v e r t i s i n g w h a t w e d o just take it o r l e a v e it. T h a t ' s w h a t w e a r e , m a n . C h r i s : A t least w e ' r e not b a n n e d here. M e : Y o u are. A l : what's this m a n ? M e : Y o u ' r e b a n n e d , t h e y can't p l a y y o u ' r e record o n T V or radio. Chris: B u t they just d i d a n i n t e r v i e w w i t h me, they can't do that a n d n o t p l a y the music, a n d I s a y fuck e v e r y other fuckin' word. M e : T h e y ' l l just b l o c k it o u t . A l : That's w h a t w e m e a n m a n , let t h e m ban us w e don't care, w e just w a n t to m a k e r e c o r d s , w e don't e v e n w a n t success, if w e h a d m o n e y w e ' d just b u i l d a studio. I m e a n T e d d y T a y l o r w a n t s us out of here, but Chris last n i g h t caught h i m s u c k i n g s o m e girls titties, at the Sport p a r t y w e h a v e p h o t o g r a p h s , so he's g o n n a l a y off us. C h r i s : A n d w e ' r e g o n n a m a k e a lot of money! A l : T h i s is a s c o o p for y o u , a w o r l d p r e m i e r , a c o u p l e of t h o u s a n d students are g o n n a b e the first to k n o w about T e d d y T a y l o r . S o w e ' r e g o n n a c o m e here in J a n u a r y a n d w a l k u p to i m m i g r a t i o n a n d s a y w e a r e the Revolting Cocks w e w o u l d like e n t r y to y o u r fine e m p i r e a n d if t h e y say n o , t h e n w e ' l l start s o m e shit...hey y o u d o n ' t k n o w w h e r e I c a n get s o m e cattle b y a n y chance...
FELIX interviews...
Swervedriver
Close to m i d n i g h t , backstage at the C a m d e n P a l a c e . Swervedriver are d u e o n stage s o o n . I n t r o d u c e d b y t h e i r m a n a g e r Richard, A d a m , the lead singer a n d guitarist, a n d the d r u m m e r , G r a h a m , s e e m r e l a x e d a n d r e a d y t o take o n the w o r l d . Of the other t w o m e m b e r s of the b a n d , J i m , t h e guitarist is sitting w i t h a g r o u p of friends a n d E d d i e , the bass guitarist, is a r o u n d s o m e w h e r e ! Swervedriver have only really been a b a n d for e i g h t e e n m o n t h s , b u t h a v e k n o w n e a c h o t h e r for m u c h l o n g e r . A d a m , J i m and Eddie originally being in a b a n d c a l l e d Shake Appeal. G r a h a m w a s in his first b a n d at 12 years o l d , at least, o n e w i t h r e a l i n st r u m e n t s. ' B e f o r e that, the bands I w a s i n p l a y e d c r i c k e t bats!' H a v i n g just finished a t o u r of S c o t l a n d , A d a m d e s c r i b e d it as ' A l r i g h t , but k n a c k e r i n g , I ' m pleased it's over!'. T h e y are c u r r e n t l y o n tour i n t h e U K until D e c e m b e r 15. W h i l s t t r a v e l l i n g to o n e gig, G r a h a m r e v e a l s , his b o o t s w e r e k n o c k e d off t h e l o r r y ! Signed under Creation Records, Swervedriver h a v e released t w o r e c o r d s to date, Son of Mustang Ford, t h e i r first single w i t h w h i c h t h e y d i d a U K tour a n d a four t r a c k E P , Ravedown, recorded in June-July of this y e a r. In s i x w e e k s t h e y w i l l be b a c k i n the studio r e c o r d i n g their a l b u m , a n d a r e t h e n off to H o l l a n d . A l l of their tracks h a v e b e e n w r i t t e n b y A d a m , a l t h o u g h he a d m i t s t h e y u s u a l l y c o m e from a j a m m i n g session w i t h the band. W h e n asked h o w they w o u l d
describe their m u s i c , h a v i n g e x p l a i n e d that it has b e e n d e s c r i b e d as hardcore-ish, A d a m r e p l i e d ' W e l l , I'd p r e f e r t o s a y it was m e l o d i c a l ! ' . L i s t i n g t h e i r influences as ' r o c k i n general', t h e y w e r e a s k e d w h i c h gigs t h e y w e n t to see. ' A n y t h i n g w i t h a g o o d guitar s o u n d , feedback' r e p l i e d G r a h a m . ' W e ' v e seen Killing Joke, Pixies'. ' W e ' v e seen Captain Beefheart a n d Miss White Pope', added A d a m . D e s c r i b i n g b e i n g c o m p a r e d to Dinosaur Jr. as 'fair e n o u g h ' . T h e y w e r e a s k e d w h a t they t h o u g h t of the M a n c h e s t e r scene. ' W e l l , I s u p p o s e Fools Gold w a s a l r i g h t ' r e p l i e d A d a m 'but the rest is shit, a n d y o u c a n q u o t e that!'. Out o n stage, Swervedriver, themselves w e r e definitely not shit, g i v i n g a n awesome performance leaving many suitably i m p r e s s e d . R e t u r n i n g b a c k s t a g e they w e r e e x t r e m e l y m o d e s t about t h e i r p e r f o r m a n c e , w i t h E d d i e d e s c r i b i n g it as 'Not as g o o d as it c o u l d h a v e b e e n ' . H a v i n g r a t e d t h e i r p e r f o r m a n c e as 4 / 1 0 , t h e y r a t e d t h e i r e n j o y m e n t of the g i g 9 / 1 0 . 'If y o u don't enjoy a n y t h i n g y o u do t h e n it's d e f i n i t e ly not w o r t h d o i n g ' , stated J i m . A d a m h a d referred to t h e bands n a m e are to ' b e i n g out of c o n t r o l ' . Swervedriver far f r o m b e i n g out of c o n t r o l , a n d s h o u l d be h e a d i n g straight for the top. DJ.
Rave Down EP This a l b u m is n o t for baggies, but t h e y ' r e w e l c o m e to b u y it into the charts . In fact, Swervedriver are m o r e of a Dinosaur Jnr m e e t s My Bloody Valentine. T h e result is a r e l a x i n g m e d l e y of r o u g h l y p r o d u c e d guitar a n d e x t r o v e r t h a r m o n i e s w h i c h melt d e l e c t a b l y u n d e r the d r a w l i n g vocals. It's still s o m e t h i n g that Ride d o a lot better, b u t if y o u go for t h a t r a w , fuzzy s o u n d , then these guys w i l l b e a n instant hit. SJH
Terminal Cheesecake Angels in Pigtails LP Hit
,
T h e r e ' s a v e r y strange s t o r y o n the b a c k of this L P c o n c e r n i n g a M r D a n G a n e . T h i s is his s t o r y . M r G a n e is an o r d i n a r y g u y w h o goes t h r o u g h w h a t m a y best be d e s c r i b e d as a 'mid-life crisis' a n d c o m e s out of it h e a r i n g v o i c e s t e l l i n g h i m to k i l l p e o p l e . T h e s t o r y gets quite d i s t u r b i n g until y o u p a y attention to the p e o p l e he k i l l s — M a r y G r a p h i t e (student), F r e d P e r r y (old man) a n d H e n r i T o m b s t o n e (priest) amongst others. T h e tale w a s w r i t t e n b y a c e r t a i n Nat Jerkoif. H m m m . So to the r e c o r d . I've got n o o p t i o n but to tell it like it is I'm afraid I lost patience w i t h Terminal Cheesecake. T h e y attempt serious songs but t h r o w i n samples a n d stupid little n u r s e r y r h y m e b e g i n n i n g s . T h e y p r o v i d e light relief f r o m tracks
c a k e d i n g r u n g e , but a d d n o t h i n g in t h e m s e l v e s . O h , there's a Residents' cover (Hello Skinny) to let us k n o w e x a c t l y w h e r e the b a n d are c o m i n g from. If 1 was f e e l i n g i n a g o o d m o o d I c o u l d g l i b l y t h r o w i n a c o u p l e of pretentious references to Terminal Cheesecake p l o u g h the fields of C i c c o n e Y o u t h ' s b a r r e n l a n d s c a p e . S o r r y , c o u l d n ' t resist. T h e y quite n i c e l y use noi se a n d silence b y w a y of contrast, I suppose, a n d y o u c o u l d blunt a knife o n the v o c a l s . M y e n t h u s i a s m is almost c a r r y i n g m e a w a y here! T h i s isn't a g o o d e n o u g h a l b u m to m a k e m e t u r n up the v o l u m e to m a x i m u m a n d stick m y h e a d i n a speaker. S o it's b a c k to the d r a w i n g board boys. JDF.
Glitterhouse Monstermagnet LP H a i l i n g f r o m s o m e far c o r n e r of the U S A , Glitterhouse's Monstermagnet release t h e ir first L P , c u n n i n g l y titled Monstermagnet. T h i s is a h a r s h guitar a l b u m of five songs w h i c h o n first h e a r i n g is a d i r e , d i r t y a n i m a l w a l l o w i n g i n its o w n e x c r e m e n t , w i t h a c a r n a l desire to be s i c k i n y o u r face. This is a most l a u d a b l e attitude (one P h i l C o l l i n s c o u l d take n o t e of) no d o u b t l e a r n e d f r o m l i v i n g in s o m e D a v i d L y n c h type t o w n i n nowheresville.
y o u c a n t a k e , w i t h e v e n t h e vocalist (dare I say singer) enthusiastic i n this
T h e r e ' s a r a w no-nonsense e n e r g y that p e r v a d e s the a l b u m , v e r y r e m i n i s c e n t of Dinosaur Jr, but l a c k i n g his effortless v o c a l style. Still p e el b a c k the surface l a y e r s a n d y o u ' l l find s o m e b r e a k n e c k tunes r u n n i n g t h r o u g h the a l b u m (more apparent o n the quiet(er) Freak Shop USA. A s m u c h feedback a n d grunge as
T h e y d e f i n i t e l y s o u n d l i k e a n act to go a n d e x p e r i e n c e l i v e , a n d o n that basis I'll g i v e t h e m six o u t of ten o n the m o n st er scale. JDF.
The Fall L o u R e e d o n c e said of himself, 'I can't s i n g , I c a n o n l y r e a c h a f e w notes'. T h i s is a n o b l e c o n f e s s i o n , o n e w e all k n o w , but n e v e r t h e l e s s it takes a b r a v e m a n to a d m i t it. T h e a t o n o n a l M a r k E S m i t h k n o w s he-can't sing. H e delights in the fact. H e also m a n a g e s to w r i t e consistently great songs w i t h totally i n n o c u o u s titles ('British p e o p l e i n hot w e a t h e r , p a y y o u r rates, b i g pizza). W i t h i n these songs S m i t h v e h e m e n t l y spits out s e e m i n g l y r a n d o m w o r d s that m e a n n o t h i n g p l a c e d n e x t to e a c h other, but w h e n c o n s i d e r e d in t h e c o n t e x t of a s o n g m a k e a sort of jilted sense. E a c h s o n g hangs o n c l e v e r l y interjected phrases, r e p e a t e d t h r o u g h his b a b b l e . J u x t a p o s e this w i t h an urgent guitar
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department too. In fact, if he's not s i n g i n g t h r o u g h w h a t I p r e s u m e is a m e g a p h o n e , he's p l a y i n g the 'sing f r o m the b a c k of t h e r e c o r d i n g studio w h i l s t t h e m i c r o p h o n e ' s at the front' g a m e a n d I s w e a r at o n e point the v o c a l s are so far b a c k i n t h e t r a c k that he's s i n g i n g f r o m outside, w i t h the d o o r closed. Still, this p u r v e y s a sweet attitude to r o c k . Not to be c a l l e d inconsistent, it's c a r r i e d t h r o u g h to the b a c k c o v e r p i c t u r e of one of those r o l l - y o u r - o w n cigarettes. T h i s type of h a r d c o r e a l b u m isn't g o i n g to w i n o v e r a n y n e w fans, but it sounds l i k e it w a s fun to m a k e a n d an attitude rather t h a n ideas c o m e across.
Brixton Fridge 3.12.90 s o u n d a n d the gospel a c c o r d i n g to S m i t h b e c o m e s an essential, b r e a t h i n g s o u n d . T r a n s l a t e d to a live format h o w e v e r a n d The Fall b e g i n to fail. B r i x ' s d e p a r t u re left a g a p i n g h o l e i n Smith's head, a n d the band's s t r i n g se c t i on. Neither have completely recovered. S e c o n d l y . S m i t h has a x e n o p h o b i c attitude t o w a r d s his a u d i e n c e , frequently t u r n i n g his b a c k o n t h e m . A w r y s m i l e p i e r c i n g his sour e x p r e s s i o n o n l y o n c e this e v e n i n g . F o r Christ's sake—what's the point of d o i n g gigs if y o u ' r e not g o i n g to enjoy them? Smith's nonsense-speak b e c o m e s a frustrating a r m o u r - p l a t e d s c r e e n . N o t h i n g c a n penetrate it. Y o u can't fathom h i m out t h r o u g h t h e w e l t e r of s o u n d . The Fall
b e c o m e a m y s t i c spectacle, failing to entice y o u into their s o u n d . L e a v i n g y o u c o l d i n the a u d i e n c e . T h e i r set consisted of most of Extricate, Mr Pharmacist (the best s o n g of t h e evening) s o m e b-sides, a b u t c h e r e d White Lightening a n d the n e w single, High Tension Wire. A l l the songs r e a c h e d the ( g o v e r n m e n t ) m i n i m u m standard, but n o t h i n g e v e r t h r e a t e n e d to leap off the stage a n d take off d o w n B r i x t o n H i g h Street. S a d l y T77e Fall l a c k e d s p a r k l e tonight. JDF.
Graeme Shan interviews..
The Shamen F o r those of y o u w h o don't k n o w of the Shamen, t h e y ' r e shit hot. S i m p l e as that. T h e r e ' s m u c h m o r e t h a n a n e l e m e n t of t r u t h in the n o w w i d e s p r e a d belief that t he y, m o r e t h a n a n y o n e else h a v e their finger o n the biggest pulse of c l u b m u s i c today. T h e r e are o n l y t w o h u m a n m e m b e r s of the Shamen, C o l i n a n d W i l l , t h o u g h the t e c h n o l o g y c o u l d be c l a s s e d as a w o r t h y t h i r d party. C r e d i t e d w i t h b e i n g the first b a n d to m a k e the indie d a n c e c r o s s o v e r b a c k in 1988, t h e i r m u s i c is n o w almost totally house, but w i t h a m e l o d i c feel. ' W e c a m e d o w n to L o n d o n i n , w h a t , M a y 1988...We're from A b e r d e e n a n d h a d h e a r d s o m e tapes w i t h the e a r l y house sounds from d o w n here, the scene up t h e r e is non-existent so w e h a d to c o m e down.' It was at t h i s t i m e that The Shamen p r o d u c e d Transcendental, their first e x p e r i m e n t i n a c i d house. A n a l b u m f o l l o w e d (In Gorbachev We Trust), a m i x t u r e of r h y t h m i c i n d i e t r a c k s a n d their n e w a c i d influences. A r e m i x of Transcendental w i t h C h i c a g o house k i n g Bam Bam r e c e i v e d l i m i t e d p l a y in the
clubs, but still t h e i r i n d i e l a b e l l i n g e r e d p r e j u d i c i n g c l u b dj's. A further step w a s evident in the next aptly n a m e d L P Phoreward, featuring tracks r e m i x e d b y hot dj E v i l E d d y R i c h a r d s (he p l a y e d I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e at N e w Y e a r ' s Party). H o w e v e r , t h e i r j o u r n e y w a s not c o m p l e t e until the release of the n e w a l b u m En-tact last m o n t h . A c c e p t a n c e f i n a l l y c a m e w i t h it a w h o l e host of a d d i c t i v e l y d a n c y tracks. ' W i t h a l l respect, the reason w e w e r e n ' t a c c e p t e d was that w e w e r e n ' t g o o d enough!' T h i s c o u l d b e true. En-tact is c e r t a i n l y the most p r o f e s s i o n a l p a c k a g e to c o m e from The Shamen. T h e p r o d u c t i o n is superb. P r e s e n t e d as a 2 x 12" to improve quality and aid m i x i n g between turntables, it's fully g e a r e d for clubs a n d h o m e dj's. Hyperreal w i l l be the n e x t single is m y released from En-tact. 'Hyperreal favourite...because of the w a y it c a m e together. O r i g i n a l l y 1 had d o n e the t r a c k as a n i n s t r u m e n t a l a n d t h e n t w o days
before I was due to take it i n t o the studio I got this d e m o tape of P l a u k a . . . I ' d b e e n w a i t i n g for it for months...it was a b a d d e m o but t h e r e was o b v i o u s l y v o c a l q u a l i t y there...I w r o t e her s o m e v o c a l lines that night, r e c o r d e d a n d s a m p l e d t h e m n e x t day...' C o l i n e x p l a i n e d the O n e Little Indian
d e a l . . . ' W e w a n t e d to c o n t i n u e d o i n g the Synergy t h i n g . . . f i n a n c i a l l y it wasn't as secure as the majors' offers but t h e y (One Little Indian) w e r e m o r e i n t e r e s t e d in w h a t The Shamen are about l o n g t e r m . ' ' W e w a n t to get into the T o p 40; to get a U S deal. T h e y w o n ' t g i v e y o u a d e a l unless y o u ' v e b e e n i n the T o p 4 0 . . . O b v i o u s l y I'm m o r e p l e a s e d that w e ' r e h i g h l y r e g a r d e d i n t h e clubs, but w e do n e e d t o b r e a k into the U S market...' A f t e r a l l , y o u h a v e to feed yourself?'... ' W e l l , w e sell e n o u g h a l b u m s to do that but, a c t u a l l y it's the first t i m e I haven't l i v e d in a squat in L o n d o n . I h a v e a flat now!' In w o n d e r e d if C o l i n h a d a n y o p i n i o n s about the e n d of the house scene, the n e x t stage... 'I t h i n k the basic a c i d beats are here to stay n o w , it's just w h a t y o u l a y o v e r t h e m . S a m p l e r s a n d s e q u e n c e r s are the i n s t r u m e n t s of the future...I can't u n d e r s t a n d t h e a m o u n t of techno-fear some people have, especially drummers...drum machines only make their job easier.' So w h a t is Synergy. C o l i n p r o v i d e s a definition... 'It's a w o r d m e a n i n g w h e n y o u get m o r e e n e r g y out of the c o m b i n a t i o n of two things...than (the s u m of) the energies of the t w o things t h e m s e l v e s . T h a t c o u l d be a c o m b i n a t i o n of t w o drugs, o r m u s i c and lights, o r m u s i c a n d a u d i e n c e participation.' T h i s relates to w h a t the Synergy c l u b c o n c e p t is. The Shamen t a k e a w h o l e c l u b o n tour—dj's, mc's, lights, projectors plus n u m e r o u s other acts to p r o d u c e a p h y s i c a l l y a s t o n i s h i n g ni ght. T h e y p l a y a set t h e m s e l v e s t h o u g h the d a n c i n g doesn't stop a n d t h e y ' r e m i x e d in a n d out, o n beat, like a n y o t h e r tracks p l a y e d .
N o t h i n g stops u n t i l after 2 a m w h e n a l l the h a p p y p e o p l e either w i n d d o w n o r t r a m p off to s o m e p a r t y s o m e w h e r e . Last S a t u r d a y , The Shamen v i s i t e d the L o n d o n R o c k e t C l u b to c o n v e r t a few m o r e L o n d o n e r s to the j o y s of Synergy. C o m p e t i t i o n for tickets w a s harsh—they o v e r s o l d the v e n u e b y 4 0 0 (at the t i m e I i n t e r v i e w e d C o l i n , it w a s still not c l e a r w h e t h e r the d o o r s w o u l d b e o p e n e d at all, for fear of l i c e n s i n g l a w s a n d fire risk). P e o p l e h a d c o m e f r o m e v e r y w h r e , e v e n as far afield as S c o t l a n d , a n d w e r e n o t i c e a b l y m o r e l i k e r a v e r s t h a n the a u d i e n c e at last year's Shamen gigs. T h e e x t e n t to w h i c h Synergy attempts to create s o m e t h i n g n e w is s h o w n b y s u c h things as ' T h e M i n d G y m ' . S o m e sort of e l e c t r o n i c h e a d g e a r / g o g g l e s is w o r n , and the eyes c l o s e d . Pulses of light a n d s o u n d b o m b a r d the b r a i n , s e p a r a t i n g a n d d e p h a s i n g e a c h side to m a k e the w e a r e r feel l i k e his b o d y e x p e r i e n c e s s o m e sort of m e t a m o r p h o s a s i s . I a m t o l d a 15 m i n u t e session costs £ 1 5 at ' T h e B r a i n ' c l i n i c , but here at Synergy it's free to a n y o n e w h o q u e u e s up. O n e of the p e o p l e r u n n i n g the b r a i n m a c h i n e was a 65 y e a r - o l d w o m a n , d r e s s e d i n silver r a v e w e a r , t ot a l ly off her h e a d , g r o o v i n g d o w n to a c i d h o u s e — b r i l l i a n t. The Shamen set was fantastic, the h i g h point b e i n g Make it Mine, d u r i n g w h i c h the the e n e r g y in the a u d i e n c e s o a r e d to a peak. T h i s is i r o n i c since it is the o n l y t r a c k w i t h a g u i t a r riff... '1 was m e s s i n g o n e d a y o n the guitar a n d c a m e up w i t h this riff. I thought it s o u n d e d just l i k e those h e a v y r o c k riffs f r o m the seventies...I w a n t e d it to s o u n d l i k e a s a m p l e f r o m o n e of t h e m . ' C o l i n has b e e n k n o w n to attribute a lot of his m u s i c to the feelings he's h a d f r o m drug experiences... 'Drugs h a v e a l w a y s b e e n associated w i t h m u s i c . . . a l w a y s . . . T h e Pogues is w h i s k y m u s i c . O u r ' s isn't, that's a l l ' . Re students: T d i d that once...most r e s p e c t a b l e w a y of b e i n g u n e m p l o y e d ! '
Technical Bit Shamen use a Steinberg Cubase and a C-lab M i d i Package both run on A t a r i S T .
African Head Robert Riley Club Charge Songs of Praise LP & The Buffalo Temptation LP African Head Charge is the p r o d u c t of O n U-Sound maestro A d r i a n Sherwood's efforts to b r i n g his o w n d i s t i n c t i v e s o u n d to t r a d i t i o n a l A f r i c a n p e r c u s s i o n a n d reggae (of sorts). A s s u c h this is a v i g o r o u s l y o d d r e c o r d , m i x i n g deep dub r h y t h m s w i t h b i z a r r e e l e c t r o effects a n d the o d d haze guitar, w h i c h in most tracks o n this a l b u m c o m b i n e to f o r m a n i n d e s c r i b a b l e m a n t r a . J o h n P e e l has b e e n g i v i n g this a spin of late. W o r d s fail me. T h i s is a fascinating album. Stone
10,000 M a n i a c s
A c c o r d i n g to t h e press release for this r e c o r d , ' R o b e r t R e i l l y is a l r e a d y w r i t i n g with maturity, performing w i t h d y n a m i s m a n d c r e a t i n g his o w n u n i q u e b r a n d of R o c k / B l u e s ' U n f o r t u n a t e l y these are w o r d s g u a r a n t e e d to e n s h r i n e M r . R e i l l y in Q - m a g a z i n e l a n d . A s far as this w r i t e r is c o n c e r n e d , ' m a t u r i t y ' = ' p l o d d i n g l y unoriginal', ' d y n a m i s m ' = 'turgidity' and ' u n i q u e b r a n d of R o c k / B l u e s ' = 'the dullest parts of R o c k a n d t h e most b o r i n g parts of Blues'. T h e m a n r e s p o n s i b l e for m i x i n g this r e c o r d is also r e s p o n s i b l e for But The Girl. Cure Sade a n d Everything fans s p o t t i n g t h e near-miss title Praying For Rain w i l l be d i s a p p o i n t e d . Wet Wet Wet fans s p o t t i n g the title Temptation p r o b a b l y w o n ' t be. If a n y b o d y wants this r e c o r d please d r o p a line i n to F e l i x before I d e s t r o y it. Stone
Town and Country Club 26.11.90 T h i s was 10,000 Maniacs' s e c o n d visit to the T & C , m a r k i n g the release of a c o l l e c t i o n of e a r l y m a t e r i a l , Hope Chest. The Maniacs' s u p p o r t w a s p r o v i d e d b y J o h n L o m b a r d o , a one-time Maniacs bassist, a n d M a r y R a m s e y , a n Irish singers o n g w r i t e r , w h o is a l o n g - t e r m friend of the Maniacs. T h e y p l a y e d a n u m b e r of s i m i l a r - s o u n d i n g Irish folk songs, w h i c h s i g n a l l e d r e t i r e m e n t to t h e b a r for most of the a u d i e n c e . H o w e v e r , o n j o i n i n g the Maniacs tor t h e m a i n set, t h e y s h o w e d t h e ir true (excellent) i n s t r u m e n t a l a n d vocal skill. T h e Maniacs' set o p e n e d w i t h an o l d 1950s p r o m o f i l m for J a m e s t o w n , N Y S , the band's h o m e . T h i s is i n deference to Natalie M e r c h a n t ' s (the l e a d singer) v i e w s on community power and alternative politics. It was, h o w e v e r , sufficient to confuse the R £ M - l o o k a l i k e s i n the audience. Resisting c o n s t a n t calls f r o m the
a u d i e n c e for favourite songs, M a r c h a n t &. C o l a u n c h e d into s o m e o l d m a t e r i a l f r o m H o p e Chest. T h i s was an enjoyable b l e n d of Reggae, J a z z a n d R o c k . H o w e v e r , a fight at the front e a r l y in t h e set h a d v i s i b l y s h a k e n M e r c h a n t , w h o s e e m e d to w a n t to be s o m e w h e r e else. H o w e v e r , m o v i n g to the c o m p a s s i o n {City of Angels) a n d m i l i t a n c y (What's the Matter here?) of the i ? £ M - i n f l u e n c e d In My Tribe a n d Blind Man's Zoo, M e r c h a n t lifted her p e r f o r m a n c e — t a l k i n g to the a u d i e n c e , a n d i n s e r t i n g u n p l a n n e d songs l i k e F e r r y ' s Dance Away to the b e w i l d e r m e n t of the rest of the b a n d . M e r c h a n t , like her b o y f r i e n d M i c h a e l (REM) Stripe, a p p r o p r i a t e s m a n y 60s influences for use o n stage. H e r stage presence is e n h a n c e d b y h e r c i r c l i n g dance, t h r a s h i n g about her f l o w i n g dress a n d l o n g , d a r k hair. T h e rest of the b a n d t e m p e r her w i l d a b a n d o n w i t h a so l id b a c k g r o u n d , m a k i n g for a n electrifying,
intense p e r f o r m a n c e , albeit s o m e w h a t short at 1% hours, but this, I suspect, w a s m o r e to do w i t h the e a r l y c u r f e w at the T & C t h a n M e r c h a n t ' s a b i l i t y to c o n t i n u e . Graeme H .
A restricted bibliography of wines December 1990 Sherry: Sainsbury's Manzanilla (3.49) Sainsbury's Palo Cortado (£2.99 half) Bubbly: Angas Brut (£4.75) Angas Brut Rose (£4.75) Seaview Brut (£4.99) Blanquette de Limoux (£5.49) Dry Whites: Chardonnay Kanle Krum, Bulgaria—in found-(probably £ 2 . 9 9 ) Touraine Sauvignon 1988, Cuvee Prestige, Oisly et Thesee (£3.99) Seaview Chardonnay 1989 (£3.99) Saltram Rhine Riesling 1989 (£3.99) Montan Sauvignon 1989 (£4.85) Saltram Chardonnay 1989 (£4.99) David Wynn Riesling 1989 (£4.99)
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Red—Cabernet/Merlot base: Range of Bulgarians, (£2.25 to £5.89) Anne des Joyeuses 1988, VdP, Haute Vallee de L'Aude (£2.99) Ch. Bellevue La Foret 1989, AC Cotes Frontonnais (£3.49) Seaview Cabernet/Shiraz 1987 (£3.95) Seaview Cabernet Sauvignon 1986 (£3.99) Saltram Cabernet Sauvignon 1986 (£3.99) Maitre d'Estournel 1988 (£4.19) Red—Syrah or related base: Rasteau 1988 Tetes de Cuvee, Caves des Vignerons (£3.99) Domaine de la Vallonge 1988, AC Coteaux d'Aix en Provence (£4.29) Penfolds Kalimna Shiraz 1986, Bin 128 (£4.49) Cotes de Rhone 1986, Guigal (£4.69) Domaine Ste Appollinaire 1988, Cotes de
Rhone (Organic) (Sainsbury £ 4 . 7 5 ) Crozes Hermitage 1987 Thalabert, Paul Jaboulet Ainee (£4.89) David Wynn Shiraz 1989 (£4.99) Taltarni Shriaz 1983 (£5.99) Red—other strong flavours: Tinto da Anfora 1987 (£3.99) Mea Pipa 1987 (£3.99) Montepulciano d'Abruzzo Colle Secco 1986, DOC (£4.39) Sweet White: Tolley's Pedare Late Harvest Muscat 1989 (£3.35) Coteaux de Layon 1988, Cuvee Adrian Domaine de Sauveroy (£4.99) Coteaux de Layon 1989, Chateau du Breuil (Sainsbury £5.95)
John Finley's brief guide to how not to stay sober with style over Christmas for under six quid.
Dr Finley On The Case D r Finley's list of r e c o m m e n d e d w i n e s can be f o u n d opposite below. — w i t h apologies to Sir W . S . G i l b e r t , a n d also to the vast majority o f w i n e merchants w h o m I have not consulted. M y n o t so little list is b a s e d e n t i r e l y o n O d d b i n s , w i t h a few i n t e r l o p e r s from Sainsbury's, a n d v e r y little recent p r a c t i c a l r e s e a r c h (alas). M a n y of t he w i n e s m e n t i o n e d a r e to b e found i n other places. C h r i s a s k e d m e to d o , i n short o r d e r , a piece o n w i n e s for C h r i s t m a s . T h e result is e n t i r e l y i d i o s y n c r a t i c , as I refuse to be h e l d to a p a r t i c u l a r pattern, a n d y o u s h o u l d b e w a r n e d that I t e n d to v a l u e a definite taste a b o v e subtlety. T h e list is a r r a n g e d i n c a t e g o r i es a n d s h o u l d b e r e g a r d e d as t he v i n o u s e q u i v a l e n t of a b i b l i o g r a p h y . T h e r e is much good drinking amongst them, t h o u g h s o m e of t he m o r e p o w e r f u l reds are p e r h a p s ' m o r e a p p r o p r i a t e to t he needs of the a d v a n c e d student'. I have, w i t h a few e x c e p t i o n s , k e p t to a p r i c e of £ 5 o r less, n o t u n r e a s o n a b l e for a c e l e b r a t i o n , a n d , i n e v i t a b l y , h a v e a fairly lavish Christmas Dinner i n mind. E v e r y C h r i s t m a s D i n n e r I h a v e eaten has a r r i v e d late, so w e m u s t h a v e s o m e t h i n g to a m u s e t he taste-buds to start w i t h . M a n z a n i l l a is t h e lightest of t h e sherries, but v e r y dry—safer, t h o u g h , than t he u s u a l A m o n t i l l a d o s etc... S e r v e c o o l a n d finish w i t h i n 10 days. Unless y o u are p r e p a r e d to p a y a lot m o r e , Sainsbury's is quite a d e q u a t e . It w i l l g o w e l l w i t h most ' c o c k t a i l s n a c k s ' of t he saltier k i n d . W e a r e t h i n k i n g of a n o c c a s i o n , t h o u g h , a n d B u b b l y restores t he spirit. I h a v e suggested three A u s s i e s a n d o n e O l d W o r l d . 1 myself a m n o t a passionate a d h e r e n t of d r y w i n e s , a n d find t he s l i g h t l y r i c h e r A n g u s m o r e attractive t h a n the S e a v i e w . In particular, the p i n k w i n e is t e r r i b l y ' m o r e i s h ' — i n m y y o u t h 1 w o u l d h a v e t h o u g h t it v u l g a r . T h e Blanquette is i n m a n y w a y s a n o l d fashioned w i n e w i t h old-fashioned virtues and very much worth trying. W e then h a v e to t h i n k of a first course w h i c h m a y n o t be there—say s m o k e d s a l m o n o r fish i n a fairly s t r o n g c r e a m sauce. T h e B u b b l i e s c a n c a r r y o n , o r w e c a n start o n t h e W h i t e B u r g u n d y substitutes. N o b o d y c a n afford t he r e a l t h i n g . I h a v e c o n s i d e r e d t h r e e types of w i n e . T h e classic grape is t he C h a r d o n n a y . T h e A u s t r a l i a n s m a k e it h e a v y , a n d a g e it i n o a k (for h o w e v e r a short time). T h e result is, i n g e n e r a l , pretty robust. It w i l l support a r i c h dish, a n d c o n t i n u e w i t h a p o u l t r y roast. T h e B u l g a r i a n s p r o d u c e a lighter w i n e w h i c h I find attractive, b u t possi bl y a c o n t r a d i c t i o n of m y p r e d i l e c t i o n to a c o n c e n t r a t i o n of flavour. T h e S a u v i g n o n w i n e s a r e m o r e a c i d i c , w i t h a definite g o o s e b e r r y c h a r a c t e r . O n t he w h o l e I t h i n k t h e m a — v e r y pleasant—let-out. T h e y are v e r y c l e a n a n d w o u l d c o v e r t he
r a n g e from p r e - D i n n e r to a t u r k e y roast. T h e A u s t r a l i a n Rieslings a r e to m e curiosities—they a r e n o t r e m o t e l y like their G e r m a n ancestors, w h i c h , i n t he r e a s o n a b l e p r i c e range, r e l y o n lightness a n d scent, but a r e robust w i n e s w h i c h , yet a g a i n , h a v e b e e n aged i n oak. T h e y w i l l p r o v i d e a so l id b a c k g r o u n d to fish i n a sauce o r t he t u r k e y m a i n course a n d are slightly s w e e t e r than t h e others. T h e n e x t major shift is t o t he r e d w i n e s . I h a v e a g a i n r u l e d out B u r g u n d y , on grounds of p r i c e , a n d t h e p r i n c i p a l r e d B u r g u n d y g r a p e , the Pi n o t N o i r , since it does n o t s e e m to p r o s p e r a w a y from h o m e i n t h e w a y that t he C a b e r n e t S a u v i g n o n does. M y g r o u p i n g s here a r e the B o r d e a u x - r e l a t e d grapes, Cabernet, C a b e r n e t - F r a n c a n d M e r l o t , t he R h o n e based S y r a h grape w i t h s o m e of its S o u t h e r n cousins, a n d a t r i o of 'others'. T h e C a b e r n e t tends to b e tannic, but i n the n e w W o r l d it is often a b i g fat w i n e in a w a y that t he restricted c l i m a t e of B o r d e a u x does n o t a l l o w (elegance be b l o w e d ) . T h e B u l g a r i a n s h a v e also p r o d u c e d a r a n g e of w i n e s , from t he C a b e r n e t a n d its r i v a l t he M e r l o t , w h i c h it is v e r y difficult to fault—particularly at the price. A l l these g o w e l l w i t h t u r k e y or w i t h m y p r e f e r r e d l a m b , beef o r g a m e roasts. O f the i n d i v i d u a l w i n e s I w o u l d say little e x c e p t that t he M a i t r e d ' E s t o u r n e l is a g o o d classical B o r d e a u x , but w o u l d a p p e a r t h i n b y c o m p a r i s o n w i t h t he A u s s i e s . Better for t u r k e y o r l a m b than beef. M y o w n l o v e here is t he S y r a h / S h i r a z grape—definitely into l a m b / b e e f / g a m e t e r r i t o r y ra t her than p o u l t r y . T h e taste is not so familiar i n B r i t a i n , as c o m m e r c i a l pressures h a v e t e n d e d to c a l m d o w n t h e definite p e p p e r y q u a l i t y of t h e taste i n generic 'Cotes d u R h o n e ' w i n e s . It is s o m e t h i n g that t he A u s t r a l i a n s s e e m t o h a v e got i n s t i n c t i v e l y a n d c o m p l e t e l y right, so m u c h so that I w e l c o m e t he utterly unclassic C a b e r n e t / S h i r a z m i x t u r e s . T h e s e a r e w i n e s for serious food—though I w o u l d b e h a p p y to h a v e the w i n e , e v e n if n o t a perfect m a t c h , w i t h t u r k e y (think of t he b u r n t b a c o n a n d sausages w h i c h a r e usually t h e r e as a c c o m p a n i m e n t s ) . P a r t i c u l a r l y interesting is Sainsbury's o r g a n i c w i n e , w h i c h I h a v e f o u n d g e n e r a l l y l i k e d . T h e G u i g a l a n d t he T a l t a r n i a r e i m m e n s e . M a n y of t h e others m a y feel i n i t i a l l y light o n t he t o n g u e , b u t w i l l project a l l sorts of c o m p l i c a t e d tastes g i v e n a little t i m e . A m o n g s t t h e reds I finish w i t h a s m a l l s e d u c t i ve g r o u p w h i c h I c a n n o t c l a i m to u n d e r s t a n d . I h a v e listed t w o P o r t u g u e s e w i n e s b y J o a o Pires w h i c h d o n o t fit into the a c c e p t e d patterns (try a n y of his others). T h e y s e e m to b e light o n t h e tongue but e x t r e m e l y flavourful—but they are n o t light i n a l c o h o l . I find a f a m i l y likeness to port, w i t h o u t t h e weight. T h e r e is also a l o n e l y Italian of m o r e
FELIX
o b v i o u s so l i d c h a r a c t e r w i t h a s p i c y quality. T h e o n l y p r o p e r w i n e for C h r i s t m a s P u d d i n g is s w e e t C h a m p a g n e — b u t this is not o n l y e x p e n s i v e , but v e r y difficult to o b t a i n since t h e d e c l i n e of t he Russian C o u r t . A s t i S p u m a n t e w i l l n o t do. M y o w n feeling is that a sweet still w i n e of sufficient c h a r a c t e r w o r k s w e l l w i t h t he richness of t h e p u d d i n g , a n d that t he c l a r i t y of t he C h e n i n - b a s e d sweet w i n e s of the L o i r e h a v e a n a d v a n t a g e o v e r t he m o r e h e a v y botrytis-reliant w i n e s of B o r d e a u x . I h a v e listed a v e r y y o u n g w i n e from S a i n s b u r y w i t h t h e n e c e s s a ry weight, a n d a lighter, c h e a p e r , w i n e f r o m O d d b i n s w h i c h m i g h t still p r o v e refreshing. T h e s e w i n e s , e v e n w h e n o l d (I still h o l d t he 59's a n d 64's), present a fresh o r i g i n a l attack of a k i n d of w h i c h the B o r d e a u x a r e i n c a p a b l e (though they m a y seduce) a n d c a n l i g h t e n the heart at the e n d of a l e n g t h y m e a l . (If y o u see a M o u l i n de T o u c h a i s o r a C l o s St C a t h e r i n e a n y w h e r e , buy!) W h e n nuts, fruits a n d o t h e r a m u s e m e n t s f o l l o w there is n o o r d a i n e d a c c o m p a n i m e n t . P o s s i b l y Port—but I d o not u n d e r s t a n d it. I w o u l d c a r r y o n w i t h the sweet w i n e , t he b u b b l y , o r if (unlikely) e m b a r k i n g o n c he e se, o n e of the r e d w i n e s . H e r e , h o w e v e r , enters t h e P a l o C o r t a d o sh e r r y . T h e s e a r e fascinating h e a v y brown(?) w i n e s w i t h t h e w e i g h t of a n Oloroso but n o n e of t he associated sweetness. I feel that they c o u l d b e d r u n k w i t h a n y c o u r s e of t h e m e a l a b o v e , e x c e p t for t he h y p o t h e t i c a l fish course. Not, m i n d y o u , i n quantity, but i n m o d e r a t i o n a n d w i t h pleasure—and w i t h a s u p p l y of g o o d w a t e r to h a n d . F o r p u r e pleasure, a n d w i t h o r w i t h o u t i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h food, the best fruit juice I h a v e e n c o u n t e r e d is t he T o l l e y lateh a r v e s t e d M u s c a t — t r y it. John Finley.
City and Guilds
DINNER AND DANCE at the
Park Lane Hotel Dancing 'til two Contact Guilds Office for tickets
Chris Riley reviews Amnesty International's latest publication: Myanmar 'In The National Interest'.
FELIX
The Other Side Of C hristmas
This month saw the launch of Amnesty International's campaign in Myanmar; to press for the release of prisoners of conscience, to end torture and extrajudicial executions, to prompt fair trials for political prisoners and to stop death sentences. To mark this launch, Al has just published their account of the situation, based on investigative journalism, and testimony from victims of torture. Amnesty International bases its work on international human rights standards which are agreed by the international community through the United Nations and other inter-governmental bodies. The organisation addresses itself to governments because of the specific obligations they have under international law. Myanmar has ratified only one major international human rights instrument, the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide. Civil unrest erupted throughout Myanmar (then Burma) in March 1988. Mass demonstrations led mainly by students, called for an end to one party rule by the military dominated Burma Socialist Programme Party (BSPP). Protesters demanded free and fair elections and the introduction of multiparty parliamentary democracy. The 26 year rule of BSPP came to an end on September 18th 1988 when Armed Forces Chief of Staff General, Saw Maung, led a military coup. A military State of Law and Order Restoration Council (SLORC) was established to head the new government and martial law was declared. Thousands of people were killed in the first half of 1988 as the new military government used violent measures in an attempt to suppress the demonstrations. Thousands more were arrested in 1989 for non-violent criticism of the martial law administration and for participating in peaceful demonstrations called by the major political opposition parties. Since July 1989, arrests of opposition party leaders and activists have been justified as measures necessary to combat 'conspiracies' and 'machinations' against the government by both 'communist' and 'right wing' forces. Although elections were held in May of this year, the military government has refused to relinquish power. The SLORC has acknowledged that some 1200 people, including students and members of legal political parties, were arrested between September 18th 1988 and August 1989 in connection with their political activities. It is also acknowledged that most are still in detention. It is general knowledge that political detainees can be held indefinitely and are
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9
frequently tortured. A former civil servant detained in January 1989 said he had been interrogated and beaten for three days by military intelligence officers before being transferred to police custody. Another former detainee, a 26 year-old student from Mandalay, arrested in late 1987, said he was interrogated under torture for two weeks by police special branch officers before being transferred to a regular prison. 'I did not see a judge or any official from the court for the following eight months I was held there. I just stayed in my cell, I had no trial.' Detainees' relatives usually do not know the prisoners' whereabouts until
during interrogation to heal and to allow the prisoner 'to get and look better'. Victims have said that torture was used both to punish them and to compel them to cooperate with interrogators. The torture also serves to intimidate others — arrest and torture is seen as an ever present threat by those contemplating any public criticism. Torture methods seem consistent, and haved been labelled with nicknames. 'A walk on the beach' involves forcing prisoners to walk on their hands and knees over sharp gravel or broken glass. The 'helicopter' involves suspension by wrists or feet from a ceiling fan. The 'wet submarine' consists of near suffocation. Prisoners subjected to the 'iron road' are
arrested. He alleged that he was tortured by special branch police. 'I was slapped, punched, kicked, burnt with cigerettes, hung from the ceiling and whipped, had iron rods rolled across my shin bones and was given electric shocks. At some point a team came in, stripped me of all my clothes, tied up my hands with handcuffs and hung me from the ceiling with ropes. They whipped me with a car fan belt 70 or 80 times until I lost consciousness. They treated my wounds by taking me down, pouring salt and curry powder into the cuts and finally urinating on my back.' The student was held until demonstrators released him almost one year later on 27 August 1988 when
FELIX military takeover...Because I refused to respond they began ill-treating me...Throughout the interrogation period I was tortured unconscious twice, each time as a result of prolonged kneeling on sharp gravel. This caused severe pain. You first feel an intense pain and after a while your legs began shivering..your eyes begin to cloud over until you can see nothing, and then you lose control of your mind: you cannot answer the questions any longer. As a result they would beat you up...If you fell down, you woud be kicked and put back into position...On several occasions I was threatened with execution...' Numerous deaths in detention have been reported. Some occurred apparently
After a few hours, security personnel, possibly from the Special Branch, came in and took him away. The next day he was handed over to the doctor in Insein Prison's hospital. When the doctor examined him he discovered that both his limbs, from fingers up to elbow, and lower limbs, toes to knees, had been fractured several times, broken into pieces. The security people had suspected him of being involved in the bombing incident and interrogated him despite his already severe burns.' The boy reportedly died 17 days after this. His body was secretly cremated in Insein prison hospital. Mayanmar's military government has persistently rejected calls for the investigation of reports of torture and illtreatment. On 22 March 1989 Director General Ohn Gyaw of the Foreign Ministry's Political Department responded to reports of widespread human rights abuse: 'People must understand that Burma is facing a difficult situation. There are not only human rights to consider...there is the national interest. Many accusations have been made about torture and the like while people have been in detention. The government has no record of torture taking place.' Amnesty International
they are either released or handed over to police custody and transferred to a regular detention facility within the prison system. Torture and ill-treatment of prisoners usually takes place during the first phase of the detention process. Most people arrested on political grounds in Myanmar are initially held in incommunicado detention for investigation and interrogation for six months or more. Prisoners have maintained that prolonged incommunicado detention is sometimes ordered to provide the necessary time for injuries sustained
severely lacerated by bamboo sticks or police truncheon beatings. Beatings, in many cases, were reportedly carried out after the body was padded with folded rice bags reducing external marks but providing no protection against internal injuries. In September 1987 demonetisation was introduced. The three highest denomination bank notes were declared worthless, effectively removing 50% of all money from circulation and wiping out the life savings of many citizens. During the protests in Mandalay which followed a 26 year-old Physics student was
Mandalay was briefly in control of strike committees. One month later the September coup prompted more incidents of torture and arrests. A 22 year-old student from Ayeyarwady Division was arrested in a tea-shop in October 1988 and interrogated for several days in a secret detention facility. He gave the following account of his treatment: 'They wanted to know...what organisation I was involved with, who was leading it, who were our contacts, what sort of activities did I carry out during the demonstrations and since the
as a result of ill-treatment, others because of the denial of medical attention. In March 1988, 41 students died in a police van because of suffocation arrising from gross criminal negligence. A former medical worker in Insein Prison's clinic described the case of a 15 year-old boy who he said died after torture in March 1988: 'On 17 March, a 15 year-old Muslim boy got severely burned on the abdomen and upper legs in an incident during which a car was set on fire by demonstrating students. He was taken to Yangon General Hospital for treatment.
Amnesty International (Al) bases its work on international human rights' standards which are agreed by the international community through the United Nations and other intergovernmental bodies. The organisation addresses itself to governments because of the specific obligations they have under international law. Myanmar has ratified only one major international human rights instrument, the Convention of the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide. Al is a world-wide movement independent of any government, political persuasion or religious creed. It plays a specific role in the international protection of human rights; seeking the release of prisoners of conscience, working for fair and prompt trials for all political prisoners, and opposing the death penalty and torture. A subscription to Al will give you access to information about human rights abuses produced on a global, independent and impartial basis. To join Al write to: Amnesty International, British Section, 99-119 Roseberry Avenue, London EC1 4RE. For more information come and visit the Imperial College group, committee room, top floor of the Union Building, Tuesday evenings at 5.30pm.
21
The Amazing Flying Gerbil Machine reviews...
Armed with blue rinse and pension book, dare you enter.
FELIX
The Bingo
Zone
O u t s i d e i n the queue, the b u z z of a n t i c i p a t i o n g r e w almost i n s t a n t a n e o u s l y into a h u m of e x c i t e m e n t . A l m o s t i n r e p l y , the all-glass doors s w u n g o p e n a n d the jostling c r o w d l u r c h e d f o r w a r d to the h a l l w a y ' s b e c k o n i n g leer. D e v o i d of a n y of the etiquette a n d m a n n e r s instilled w i t h i n t h e m b y years of m e t i c u l o u s patience, the c l a m o r s a n d s h o v i n g escalated. T h i s w a s g o i n g to b e a battle of the fittest. C a n e s s w i p e d at the a i r a b o v e the c l a t t e r i n g w a l k i n g frames w h i c h s k e w e r e d a n y o f f e n d i ng feet, w h i l s t the w h e e l c h a i r s s i m p l y c r u s h e d a n y t h i n g in their tracks i n the frenzy to the seats. T h e T o p R a n k b i n g o hall w a s n o w o p e n .
w h o s t u m b l e d i n f r o m the c o l d . B e i n g s u c h a p o o r fool, a n d n o w feeling all the c o n f i d e n c e that b e i n g a n IC Stude c o u l d instill, I c o n f i d e n t l y s t r o l l e d up to the desk to b u y m y game-cards. Fast Flyer? Lucky Numbers? A m e r i c a n N a t i o n a l or R e g i o n a l C o u n t d o w n ? . . . ' O h yes, I'll b u y t h e m a l l . ' A n d so I staggered a w a y , c l u t c h i n g m y tickets to fame fortune a n d o t h e r nice m o n e y things, desperately h o p i n g that I h a d b r o u g h t a p e n w i t h m e . A s I g l a n c e d at the m a s s i v e pile of m u l t i c o l o u r e d c a r d i n m y arms, I b e g a n to realise that this w a s not g o i n g to be quite as s i m p l e as n i p p i n g into a b i n g o b o o t h for l O p at H a y l i n g Island.
Inside, the w a r m air c a l m e d the p a c e m a k e r s , a n d the freshly d r a w n pensions e m e r g e d , the w a l l e t s r e l e a s i n g the stale o d o u r of m o t h b a l l s a n d d e c a y i n g p e o p l e into the r e c e n t l y s t e r i l i s e d afternoon air. H a v i n g o n l y just s u r v i v e d the desperate r a m p a g e to enter, I stood
Slightly m o r e cautious n o w , I d e c i d e d to e y e out the o p p o s i t i o n a n d the tiers filled, fading the a u r o r a f r o m a g a u d y o r a n g e of u p h o l s t e r y to a p r e v a i l i n g g r e y of a n c i e nt hair. A l l eyes g l a r e d at m e , the imposter, w a n d e r i n g s h e e p i s h l y to a spare seat. D o w n o n the tables b e l o w , the r e a l
icy silence d e s c e n d e d u p o n the H a l l as the first g a m e w a s c a l l e d . F u m b l i n g to the l e m o n c a r d (or w a s I h o l d i n g the y e l l o w o r b e i g e one?), I r e a l i s e d that the m o n o t o n e p i e r c e h a d a l r e a d y a n n o u n c e d the first three calls. In b l i n d p a n i c I c h e c k e d the d o m i n e e r i n g red sc r e en w h i c h h a d s u d d e n l y b e c o m e a b l a z e of lights. I w a s o n l y just c a p a b l e of t r a c i n g these m i s s i n g digits as a s h r i e k g a r g l e d f r o m b e l o w . F r a n t i c ushers leapt o v e r the seats f r o m a l l sides, a p p a r e n t l y to a i d the d y i n g beast. R e a c h i n g for m y V o d a p h o n e , I h a d just d i a l e d 999 to report a major c o r o n a r y i n Sheffield B i n g o H a l l as the jubilant w i n n e r ' s c a r d n u m b e r was a n n o u n c e d a n d c h e c k e d , a n d the £ 5 p r i z e p r e s e n t e d . T h e n e x t g a m e w a s i m m e d i a t e l y started on the p i n k p a g e of the c o u n t d o w n c a r d . A w i c k e d s t e p m o t h e r d i r e c t e d m e to the page a n d I v o w e d to p r o v e m y w o r t h against these d e r a n g e d souls a n d k e e p
Nauseous Books b i t c h , she a l w a y s w i n s , ' a n d the l i k e w e r e rife after e a c h s c r e a m . A t o n e point I w a s c o n v i n c e d that the l a d y b e h i n d was g o i n g to t h r o w herself b o d i l y at the l a d y in front i n a r a g e of j e a l o u s y , w i t h no heed for m y u n w i t t i n g o b s t r u c t i o n . T h e usherettes a n d c a l l e r o n l y just m a n a g e d to sedate her before she d i d m e a n y serious injury. N o w d e t e r m i n e d not to associate m y s e l f w i t h these m a n i a c s , I b e g a n to p o n d e r the easy w i n n i n g s . W i t h w h a t a p p e a r e d to be the entire e l d e r l y p o p u l a t i o n of the a r e a here, left a lot of u n o c c u p i e d houses. O n r e a l i s i n g that t h e y spent a l l their m o n e y here a n d so w o u l d not h a v e a n y t h i n g w o r t h t a k i n g , I o p t e d m e r e l y to a w a i t t h e m at the e n d of the roads to m u g t h e m o n r e t u r n . E v e n better w o u l d b e to s p e n d the 50p e n t r y a n d risk slaughter i n the H a l l to m e m o r i s e the faces of the B i g W i n n e r s a n d g e t ' e m o n the w a y out...
It's C h r i s t m a s t i m e a g a i n , a n d the p u b l i s h i n g w o r l d are o n c e a g a i n foisting all m a n n e r of atrocities o n us i n the n a m e of the great G o d C o n s u m e r i s m . A p a l l i n g b o o k s b y footballers from K e v i n K e e g a n to G a z z a are t r a d i t i o n a l , but n o w it seems that the m u s i c industry is getting i n o n the act too. So, if y o u ' r e l o o k i n g for the perfect gift for a p a r t i c u l a r l y o b n o x i o u s relative, r e a d o n . . . Starting, as e v e r, at the b o t t o m , w e present J i v e B u n n y Saves the Day. T h i s b o o k has to be seen to be b e l i e v e d . T h e J i v e B u n n y 'posse' h a v e a d o p t e d a r a d i c a l new technique w h e r e b y rather than cutting up the classics a n d p a s t i n g t h e m b a c k together t h e y h a v e c r e a t e d a n ' o r i g i n a l ' (as it is c a l l e d t e c h n i c a l l y ) . S a d l y this is e v e n m o r e pathetic t h a n their audio d r i v e l ; a i m e d at the under-4's or the t e r m i n a l l y sad this p i e c e of mindless p r o p a g a n d a s e r v e s to d i m m i n i s h the oned i m e n s i o n a l c h a r m s of M r . Git into second-rate l a v a t o r y p a p e r (the pages are shiny, p o o r l y a b s o r b e n t a n d do not flush easily). T h e p a g e s b e a r i n g the ' J i v e B u n n y ' s o n g a r e apt to deposit m o r e t h a n they r e m o v e . T h i s b o o k is o n l y w o r t h c o n s i d e r a t i o n for students of b r a i n w a s h i n g ; its a t t e m pt to c o n v i n c e those too y o u n g to defend t h e m s e l v e s that ' J i v e B u n n y is the best m u s i c m a n i n t o w n ' is t r u l y s i c k e n i n g . A n d the pictures are crap too. Little better is the latest effort f r o m the New Kids on the Block m a r k e t i n g m a c h i n e . T h o s e c h a r m i n g lads n e x t d o o r have a b o o k d e v o t e d to their sad little lives c a l l e d New K i d s o n the B l o c k : O u r Story. T h e b o o k i n v i t e s y o u to 'Listen to t h e m talk h o n e s t l y , i n their o w n words..'. W h a t c a n w e do but the same? 'This b o o k is d e d i c a t e d to the ones w e l o v e - our families, friends a n d most
b a c k to a l l o w the native savages to settle before c o n f r o n t i n g the great d i l e m m a of w h i c h games to enter myself. T h e sensual slip of a forty-year-old at the d e s k h a d c h a r m e d m e i n t o b e c o m i n g a free life m e m b e r , a n d so I was to enjoy the p r i v i l e g e of a First F r e e V i s i t . I had a l w a y s assumed b i n g o to be a n old ladies' e x c u s e for a n afternoon w a d d l e into t o w n to do a spot of s h o p p i n g a n d t h e n meet her friends o v e r a r e l a x i n g chat, c r o ssi n g off a few n u m b e r s e v e r y m i n u t e or so to stop their brains from s w i t c h i n g off. I w a s b e g i n n i n g to realise that this was b y no m e a n s the case. T h e s e d e a r o l d ladies h a d h a t r e d a n d greed s c o u r e d into their faces. Despite the v e r y r e a s o n a b l e bar, o n l y a few w o u l d d a r e part w i t h their b i n g o m o n e y o n s u c h a frivolous m a n n e r . It was o n l y the foolish a m a t e u r middle-agers w h o w e r e o n l y i n it for a piss-up. T h e jolly photos d i s p l a y e d outside of sweet dears e n j o y i n g their ice-creams h i d a m o r e sinister p o r t e n t to a n y p o o r fool
h a r d e n e d p r o s w e r e s e t t i n g up. In silence, t h e y p a i n s t a k i n g l y a r r a n g e d their b o o k s into g a m e o r d e r , p a u s i n g o n l y to m e m o r i s e the n u m b e r s a n d o p p o s i t i o n . H e r e it must be e x p l a i n e d that g a m e b o o k s are s o l d i n sets of at least four cards w h i c h m e a n s that a n y p e r s o n i n a g a m e is p l a y i n g a m i n i m u m of four cards at one t i m e . I w a s to find this a l o n e n i g h impossible, yet d o w n o n these tables sat m e a n a n d lean ladies w h o l o o k e d b a r e l y c a p a b l e of h o l d i n g a p e n , p o i s e d , like p r a y i n g mantises, to strike off t w e n t y cards or m o r e at a time.. T h e s e are the ones that live b i n g o . T h e i r days are spent on the p h o n e a r r a n g i n g m o r e visits or gloating o v e r w i n n i n g s , w h i l s t their afternoons a n d e v e n i n g s a r e spent i n the Halls, w i n n i n g e n o u g h to p a y for the phone bill. T i m e was d r a w i n g o n so I r e t i r e d b a c k to m y seat o n l y to d i s c o v e r the p r o b l e m of k e e p i n g t r a c k of t h i r t y - o d d cards without spilling them over m y n e i g h b o u r s . T h e a d r e n a l i n e rose a n d a n
t r a ck of the n u m b e r s . In fact, it t o o k a l l m y c o n c e n t r a t i o n to k e e p up w i t h the r a b i d caller, let a l o n e be a b l e to c o n c e n t r a te o n w h a t n u m b e r I n e e d e d to c o m p l e t e o n e line, t w o lines o r a full house as the g a m e r e q u i r e d . I c u r s e d as a g a i n a n d a g a i n the a n i m a l s s c r e e c h e d the instant a w i n n i n g n u m b e r was s h o w n , before it h a d e v e n b e e n a n n o u n c e d . ' T h e y must k n o w the m a n a g e r , ' I concluded. T i m e a n d g a m e s p r o g r e s s e d , a n d as I gained proficiency and broadened m y c o n c e n t r a t i o n s b e y o n d the t i n y squares before me, I n o t i c e d s o m e e v i l r i v a l r y b e t w e e n these l o v e l y o l d p e o p l e . Thestakes g r a d u a l l y rose t o £ 1 2 0 , £ 2 0 0 , £ 5 0 0 a n d e v e n £ 6 7 3 . W h a t these affluent misers d i d not realise w a s that h a d M Y n u m b e r c o m e u p , or h a d t h e y kept quiet just o n e m o r e n u m b e r , that I w o u l d be able to p a y off m y overdraft a n d b u y that stereo I'd h a d m y e y e o n . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , m a n y of the o t h e r dears h a d s i m i l a r schemes of t h e i r o w n . M u r m u r s of 'That
FELIX
For Christmas
I was w r e n c h e d f r o m m y s c h e m i n g b y another gurgling cry. O n glancing d o w n , I r e a l i s e d that I too h a d w o n ! T h e b i d d i e s a r o u n d m e c o m m e n t e d d r y l y about first t i m e w i n n e r s as I w h o o p e d , j u m p e d a n d rejoiced o v e r the £ 1 0 1 w a s to share w i t h the r a t h e r frail g e n t l e m a n i n the t h i r d r o w . S t a r i n g d o w n at m y n e w l y w o n fiver, I e n t e r e d the last g a m e s w i t h r e n e w e d gusto, h o p i n g for m o r e a n d d r o o l i n g at the slap-up m e a l 1 c o u l d n o w b u y at M c B u g g e r s after the g r u e l l i n g three-quarter h o u r session. T h e p l a y e r s left as q u i c k l y as t h e y h a d a r r i v e d , p r o b a b l y a l l r a c i n g to the nearest t e l e p h o n e to tell M a u d about their latest w i n s . B e h i n d t h e m the t r a i l of w r e c k a g e h a d to be c l e a r e d b y the n e x t session. Plastic bags a n d d e a d c a r ds i n t e r sp e r sed b r o k e n cut-throat glass. E v i d e n t l y s o m e o n e else h a d the i d e a of g e t t i n ' e m o n the w a y out. Sarah H a r l a n d
especially, o u r fans.' 'It's k i n d a s c a r y to t h i n k that s o m e o n e m i g h t say o n e d a y 'yeah- that w a s the y e a r D o n n i e W a h l b e r g w a s b o r n . ' T h a t ' s c r a z y !' '..ashamed to h a v e p i m p l e s . . ' 'Life is too short to w o r r y about w r i n k l e s i n y o u r jeans' ' F r i d a y nights w e ' d a l l pile in her bed..' ' T w o y e a r s i n a r o w , m e a n d M a r k got dressed up as b a l l e r i n a s . . ' T got into M i c h a e l J a c k s o n i n the n i n t h grade' ' It's r e a l l y w e i r d a n d I don't u n d e r s t a n d it' 'I was t i n y b a c k then' ' . . e v e r y o n e used to enjoy g r a b b i n g m y c h e e k s . . M y m o m is a social w o r k e r w h o s p e c i a l i s e d in family t h e r a p y . . L a t e r o n I found out that m y m o m w a s d o i n g this for p r o f e s s i o n a l a n d for p e r s o n a l reasons' ' O u r house w a s so w i l d that p e o p l e c o u l d c o m e o v e r a n y time..' 'I used to b r i n g m y h o m e w o r k to h i m a n d he'd do it w i t h m e . . ' ' B u t I n e v e r
w a n t e d to d o a n y of it..I just w a n t e d to h a n g out..' '..the l a d y a l w a y s t r i e d to m a k e m e do solos but I w a s so s h y ' ' T h e kids c o u l d n ' t b e l i e v e h o w h i g h I s a n g ' '..they h a d e v e r y t h i n g : c h i c k e n s , pigs, c o w s , a l l t y p e s of a n i m a l s ' '..just l o o k o u t of the c o r n e r of y o u r e y e a n d t h e n go a n d practise i n y o u r r o o m at h o m e ' ' M y dad's a b r i c k l a y e r ' ' M y b r o t h e r a n d I s h a r e d the Tittle r o o m ' as m y m o t h e r c a l l e d it' ' M e a n d m y m o m w o u l d be at o n e e n d , m y d a d a n d m y b r o t h e r o n the other, a n d t h e girls in the m i d d l e ' ' M y b r o t h e r p l a y e d w i t h m e a lot' ' F o r s o m e r e a s o n I was sitting w h e r e the girls sit' '..she a l w a y s said I l o o k e d like a c h i c k e n . . ' ' P e r f o r m i n g w a s just s o m e t h i n g I d i d , pretty s t e a d i l y , w i t h rehersals e v e r y Friday night..The one thing I l o v e d more t h a n a n y t h i n g else was the a ppl a use' 'She did s o m e w h e n she was in h i g h s c h o o l , but didn't t r y for a career in i t . . m y m o m h a d n e v e r e v e n realised that it w a s there..she r e a l l y l o v e d it' '..so for h i m to stand up a n d say ' N o , I d o n ' t w a n t to d o it' t o o k a lot of character' '..she got b e h i n d us o n e h u n d r e d p e r c e n t ' T d o n ' t care about a l l that. A l l I w a n t is a scooter!' '..we a l l c l i c k e d a n d h u n g together..' 'It's g o i n g to b e dope' " Y o I can't s i n g ' . A n d he said ' N e i t h e r c a n I.." 'But M a u r i c e w a s so jive' 'I b r e a k d a n c e d for h i m a n d he r e a l l y l i k e d that' ' H e ' s r e a l j i v e ' ' N y n u k - that was t h e i r n a m e at the t i m e ' ' D o n n i e w a s the o n e w h o p i c k e d o n m e the most' ' T h i s o n e t i m e , t h o u g h , I d i d n ' t get it r i g h t off..they started c a l l i n g m e ' S l o w J o e ' . It w a s r o u g h for m e , r e a l l y r o u g h ..I r e m e m b e r s e v e r a l times I w o u l d go h o m e c r y i n g . . ' ' W h a t ' s a N y n u k ?' O u r final o f f e r i n g is the b o o k of that e p i t o m e of g o o d r a d i o (and taste) O u r T u n e . G o o d oT S i m o n ' M a s t e r ' Bates has
g a t h e r e d i n this t o m e the most precious of 200 000 letters w h i c h w i l l m o v e y o u r s o u l (up, d o w n left o r right). A s s u m i n g that e a c h w r i t e r o n l y writes o n e letter this leads to the c o n c l u s i o n that 1 i n 55 listeners w r i t e s i n . W h i c h leaves 54 v o y e u r i s i t i c parasites h a n g i n g o n . G r a n t e d the letters are r u b b i s h that s h o u l d be left in people's p e r s o n a l lives w h e r e t h e y b e l o n g , but w h y is the m u s i c so a p p a l l i n g ? W h o i n their r i g h t m i n d w o u l d h a v e the Blow Monkeys as their T u n e ? W h o felt Wet Wet Wet w o u l d express their a n g u i s h better t h a n Suicidal Tendencies? W h y w o u l d a n y o n e c h o o se to aggravate t h e i r t r a u m a b y p l a y i n g it to a s o u n d t r a c k of KC and the Sunshine Band? W h e r e is My Bloody Valentine amidst this ? S a d .
Dr Stephen Richardson on the Public Equiry chaired by the Hon. Lord Cullen into the...
Piper Alpha Disaster L a t e in the e v e n i n g of J u l y , 1988, there was an e x p l o s i o n o n the P i p e r A l p h a platform in the North Sea. W i t h i n a matter of a few hours, 166 m e n h a d d i e d . One m o r e d i e d in h o s p i t a l t w e l v e days later. O v e r 1 0 % of this c o u n t r y ' s p r o d u c t i o n of o i l h a d ceased. T h e w o r l d ' s biggest offshore o i l disaster h a d happened—and it h a d h a p p e n e d not i n s o m e r e m o t e c o r n e r of the w o r l d but i n the U K . W h a t h a d gone w r o n g o n P i p e r ? And w h y d i d it h a v e s u c h disastrous consequences? The safety a n d o p e r a t i o n of Britain's N o r t h Sea o i l a n d gas p l a t f o r m s is, for the t i m e b e i n g , u n d e r the c o n t r o l of the S e c r e t a r y of State for E n e r g y . O n e w e e k after the disaster o n P i p e r , the t h e n S e c r e t a r y of State, C e c i l P a r k i n s o n , a p p o i n t e d L o r d C u l l e n to h o l d a P u b l i c Inqury to establish the c i r c u m s t a n c e s of the a c c i d e n t o n P i p e r A l p h a a n d its cause. The I n q u i r y sat for a total of 180 days, 130 of w h i c h w e r e c o n c e r n e d w i t h the disaster itself (Part 1) a n d the r e m a i n i n g 50 w i t h the future (Part 2). L o r d Cul l e n's report w a s p u b l i s h e d o n N o v e m b e r 13 1990 a n d is e x t r e m e l y t h o r o u g h a n d hence necessarily lengthy. The Inquiry h e a r d e v i d e n c e from a l a r g e n u m b e r of w i t n e s s e s — i n c l u d i n g most of the s u r v i v o r s — a n d f r o m s e v e r a l experts. M u c h of that e x p e r t t e s t i m o n y w a s p r o v i d e d b y t h r e e m e m b e r s of the C h e m i c a l E n g i n e e r i n g D e p a r t m e n t at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e : K e n Bett, G r a h a m Saville a n d m e . O f the total of 35 experts' reports p r o d u c e d i n Part 1 of the Inquiry, 11 w e r e p r o d u c e d b y the three of us. A s a result, w e got to k n o w a great d e a l about w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d o n P i p e r . W h a t follows is a brief s u m m a r y of the events l e a d i n g to the disaster a n d s o m e of m y personal views (which I believe accord in all essentials w i t h L o r d C u l l e n ' s r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s ) o n the w a y a h e a d . The P i p e r o i l field is about 120 m i l e s north-west of A b e r d e e n . It w a s d i s c o v e r e d by O c c i d e n t a l in J a n u a r y 1973 a n d w a s o n e of the first in the deep w a t e r s of the n o r t h e r n N o r t h Sea. P r o d u c t i o n of o i l started in D e c e m b e r 1976, so that less than four y e a r s elapsed b e t w e e n d i s c o v e r y a n d first o i l , a r e c o r d that has o n l y r a r e l y b e e n beaten. O r i g i n a l l y , o n l y oil was to be e x p o r t e d . T h i s was d o n e t h r o u g h a sub-sea line 128 m i l e s l o n g to the p u r p o s e - b u i l d O c c i d e n t a l r e f i n e r y o n the island of F l o t t a in the O r k n e y s . P i p e r p r o v e d s p e c t a c u l a r l y p r o d u c t i v e . Indeed, o n e of its wells was the m o s t p r o d u c t i v e in the w h o l e of the N o r t h S e a . W h e n O c c i d e n t a l sought p e r m i s s i o n to raise output from P i p e r , the t h e n S e c r e t a r y of
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
The Public Inquiry into the Piper Alpha Disaster The
Hon
Lord Cullen
Figure 1 State for E n e r g y , T o n y B e n n , granted it o n l y o n c o n d i t i o n that the excess gas p r o d u c e d w i t h the o i l , a n d initially flared at Piper, s h o u l d be e x p o r t e d . A c c o r d i n g l y , a gas t r e a t m e nt plant w a s i n c o r p o r a t e d on P i p e r rather as a n afterthought. Gas e x p o r t started in D e c e m b e r 19.78. T h e a m o u n t of gas e x p o r t e d b y P i p e r was, h o w e v e r , v e r y s m a l l (only about 0.6% of the total from t h e U K sector of the N o r t h Sea) w h e r e a s the a m o u n t of o i l e x p o r t e d was large (about 10% of t h e total from the U K sector: P i p e r was the biggest single p r o d u c i n g platform). In o r d e r to m a x i m i s e the o i l e x p o r t , s o m e of the h e a v i e r fractions in the gas (essentially, the propane) w e r e separated as l i q u i d condensate from the rest of the gas (mainly methane) a n d injected into the o i l for e x p o r t to F l o t t a , as s h o w n i n F i g u r e 2. At about 21.45 o n J u l y 6, 1988, o n e of the p u m p s for i n j e c t i on of c o n d e n s a t e into the m a i n o i l e x p o r t l i n e t r i p p e d . S h o r t l y afterwards, s o m e gas alarms w e r e activated, the first-stage gas c o m p r e s s o r s t r i p p e d a n d the flare was o b s e r v e d to be m u c h larger than usual. A t about 22.00
there was the first e x p l o s i o n o n P i p e r . T h i s r a p i d l y l e d to fires i n t h e part of P i p e r c o n t a i n i n g the o i l / g a s separators (see F i g u r e 2) a n d o i l e x p o r t p u m p s . F l a m e s a n d s m o k e r a p i d l y e n v e l o p e d the a c c o m m o d a t i o n m o d u l e s o n the p l a t f o r m , in w h i c h the m a j o r i t y of the m e n o n P i p e r w e r e off-duty. A t about 22.20, the fires had h e a t e d o n e of the high-pressure gas lines c o n n e c t i n g P i p e r to another p l a t f o r m , the T a r t a n p l a t f o r m o p e r a t e d b y T e x a c o (see F i g u r e 3), to s u c h an extent that the pipe r u p t u r e d a n d the gas i n the line f l o w e d out v e r y r a p i d l y , further fuelling the fires o n P i p e r . G a s initially f l o w e d out of t h e line at about 3 tonnes per s e c o n d , w h i c h is of the s a m e o r d e r as the rate at w h i c h the U K c o n s u m e s e n e r g y . A p h o t o g r a p h s h o w i n g the fireball a l m o s t i m m e d i a t e l y after rupture of the T a r t a n line is r e p r o d u c e d o n the front c o v e r of L o r d C u l l e n ' s report (see F i g u r e 1). The situation on Piper was rapidly escalating. A t about 22.50, a n o t h e r gas line r u p t u r e d , this t i m e the l i n e to the c o m p r e s s i o n p l a t f o r m (MCP-01) o p e r a t e d by T o t a l , the chief function of w h i c h is as an i n t e r m e d i a t e p u m p i n g p l a t f o r m for gas f r o m the giant F r i g g field (see F i g u r e 3). A g a i n , gas i n i t i a l l y f l o w e d out of the line at about 3 tonnes per s e c o n d . A t about 23.20, the final gas line, that to C l a y m o r e w h i c h is the other p l a t f o r m o p e r a t e d b y O c c i d e n t a l i n the N o r t h S e a (see F i g u r e 3), r u p t u r e d . A t m u c h the same time, large sections of the structure of the p l a t f o r m h a d w e a k e n e d so m u c h that most of the topsides (in o t h e r w o r d s the parts of P i p e r a b o v e the s u p p o r t i n g steel jacket) fell into the sea. O n e of the parts of the topsides that fell into the sea was the m a i n a c c o m m o d a t i o n m o d u l e , a fourstorey b u i l d i n g in w h i c h t h e r e w e r e 81 men. A l l of t h e m d i e d . In the e a r l y m o r n i n g of J u l y 7 1988, the o n l y r e m a i n i n g part of P i p e r was the w e l l - h e a d m o d u l e : three-quarters of the original platform had been destroyed and lay i n a t a n g l e d mass o n the sea b e d . T h e fires f r o m the o i l a n d gas lines a n d wells w e r e p r o d u c i n g flames about 200 metres high, w i t h a rate of e n e r g y c o n s u m p t i o n of o r d e r 100 gigawatts. T h e fires w e r e e x t i n g u i s h e d finally o n l y o n J u l y 29 1988. The r e m a i n s of P i p e r was t o p p l e d o n M a r c h 28 1989. The disaster h a d cost the lives of 167 men, 2 of w h o m w e r e rescue w o r k e r s w h o s e fast rescue boat w a s d e s t r o y e d w h e n the gas line to M C P - 0 1 r u p t u r e d . 137 of the b o d i e s of the d e c e a s e d w e r e r e c o v e r e d ; 30 are still m i s s i n g . Of the 137, 109 d i e d from s m o k e i n h a l a t i o n , 13
b y d r o w n i n g , 10 by severe injuries o r burns. T h e cause of d e a t h of the r e m a i n i n g 4 has not b e e n established. In t r y i n g to establish the cause of the disaster, c o n s i d e r a b l e difficulties w e r e e n c o u n t e r e d because so little p h y s i c a l e v i d e n c e r e m a i n e d a n d t h e r e w e r e so few s u r v i v o r s w h o c o u l d g i v e essential i n f o r m a t i o n . ( A l t h o u g h 61 m e n s u r v i v e d , n o n e w a s a s e n i o r m e m b e r of P i p e r ' s m a n a g e m e n t team). A l a r g e n u m b e r (in excess of 30) possible causes w e r e a d v a n c e d . R e l a t i v e l y few of these c o u l d be c o n c l u s i v e l y d i s c o u n t e d but m a n y of them were extremely improbable, requiring several successive improbable events to h a v e o c c u r r e d . T h e most p r o b a b l e o r i g i n a l cause a l m o s t c e r t a i n l y lay in the c o n d e n s a t e s e p a r a t i o n a n d injection a r e a . C o n d e n s a t e was s e p a r a t e d from the gas in a large v e s s e l (see F i g u r e 2) a n d t h e n passed to t w o p u m p s o p e r a t i n g i n p a r a l l e l for injection into the o i l e x p o r t line, as s h o w n in F i g u r e 4. O n the e v e n i n g of J u l y 6 1988, p u m p A was isolated for m a i n t e n a n c e of its m o t o r d r i v e c o u p l i n g . In a d d i t i o n , its safety v a l v e w a s r e m o v e d for m a i n t e n a n c e a n d a b l i n d flange almost c e r t a i n l y fitted in its place. T h e flange was not, h o w e v e r , pressure-tested. W h e n p u m p B t r i p p e d at about 21.45, the operators w o u l d initially h a v e sought to restart it. T h e y w e r e not successful in this endeavour. Unless they could resume flow of c o n d e n s a t e , they w o u l d e v e n t u a l l y h a v e h a d to halt p r o d u c t i o n o n Piper. T h i s is b e c a u s e the c o n d e n s a t e s e p a r a t i o n v e s s e l w o u l d in t h e e n d h a v e filled w i t h l i q u i d , w h i c h w o u l d t h e n h a v e b e e n passed to the final-stage gas compressors. The compressors w o u l d then h a v e t r i p p e d , a u t o m a t i c a l l y shutting d o w n the gas plant a n d e v e n t u a l l y a l l of the production. S i n c e the o p e r a t o r s c o u l d not restart
ST F E R G U S
p u m p B , the q u e s t i o n arises: w h a t else c o u l d t h e y do? T h e e v i d e n c e suggests that w h a t t h e y in fact d i d w a s try to restart p u m p A . T h e y w o u l d h a v e b e e n a w a r e that p u m p A was out of c o m m i s s i o n for m a i n t e n a n c e — b u t that m a i n t e n a n c e had not yet started. B e c a u s e of the w a y in w h i c h w o r k p e r m i t s w e r e o r g a n i s e d o n Piper, it s e e m s almost c e r t a in that t h e y w o u l d not h a v e b e e n a w a r e that t h e safety v a l v e for p u m p A was missing. M o r e o v e r , t h e y w o u l d not h a v e b e e n able to see that it w a s m i s s i n g since the v a l v e in q u e s t i o n w a s o n e floor a b o v e the p u m p s that they w e r e o p e r a t i n g ( r e m e m b e r that gas a n d c onde nsa te p r o c e s s i n g was a n afterthought o n P i p e r : items of e q u i p m e n t w e r e p l a c e d w h e r e t h e y c o u l d be, not w h e r e t h e y i d e a l l y m i g h t be). T h u s t h e y p r o b a b l y took steps to reinstate p u m p A , one step of w h i c h w o u l d h a v e b e e n to repressurise it. T h e most p r o b a b l y t h i n g that h a p p e n e d n e x t is that the condensate, after f l o w i n g e x t r e m e l y r a p i d l y into the p u m p a n d t h e n into its safety v a l v e l i n e , l e a k e d at the b l i n d
MCP-01
CLAYMORE
Figure 3
TARTAN
FRIGG
flange fitted i n place of the safety v a l v e . T h e e v i d e n c e of the s e q u e n c e of gas a l a r m s n o t e d b y the s u r v i v i n g c o n t r o l r o o m o p e r a t o r a n d the s t r e n g t h of the initial e x p l o s i o n suggests that the l e a k a g e hole a n d a n a r e a of about 40 m m . T h e line l e a d i n g to the b l i n d flage was a n o m i n a l 4 i n c h pipe, so that 40 m m c o r r e s p o n d s to lifting of the flange b y o n l y 0.1 m i l l i m e t r e s . T h u s the l e a k a g e gap n e e d o n l y h a v e b e e n v e r y s m a l l a n d w o u l d h a v e b e e n consistent w i t h an i n c o m p l e t e l y t i g h t e n e d flange. P e r h a p s 80 k i l o g r a m m e s of c onde nsa te w o u l d h a v e escaped o v e r a p e r i o d of o r d e r 1 m i n u t e . T h i s found a s o u r c e of i g n i t i o n ( w h i c h is unknown—but irrelevant: an inflammable m a t e r i a l w i l l g e n e r a l l y find a n i g n i t i o n source) a n d l e d to the first e x p l o s i o n . T h i s led to the i n i t i a l fires a n d t h e n to the se q u e n t i al failure of the gas lines w h i c h caused the h o r r i f y i n g l y r a p i d escalation of the disaster. 2
2
H o w c o u l d this h a v e h a p p e n e d so easily? C l e a r l y , there w e r e s e v e r a l failures, a m o n g s t w h i c h w e r e the f o l l o w i n g : • T h e r e was a questionable w o r k p e r m i t s y s t e m . M a i n t e n a n c e w o r k o n the safety v a l v e of the c onde nsa te p u m p w a s c o n d u c t e d o n l y d u r i n g the day, so the w o r k p e r m i t was suspended—and not d i s p l a y e d in t h e c o n t r o l r o o m — o v e r n i g h t . O p e r a t o r s w e r e thus u n a w a r e of the r e m o v a l of the v a l v e . • T h e r e was q u e s t i o n a b l e p l a n t isolation. C o n d e n s a t e p u m p A was i s o l a t e d o n l y b y c l o s u r e of its a i r - o p e r a t ed s u c t i o n a n d d i s c h a r g e v a l v e s (see F i g u r e 4). T h e r e w a s no m e c h a n i c a l isolation a n d the v a l v e s w e r e n o t l o c k e d shut. T h u s the operators, u n a w a r e of the r e m o v a l of the safety v a l v e , w e r e able to r e i n t r o d u c e h i g h pressure h y d r o c a r b o n s into a line, the i n t e g r i t y of w h i c h c o u l d not be guaranteed. • T h e r e was questionable design. Gas a n d c onde nsa te p r o c e s s i n g w a s u n d e r t a k e n
25
SCIENCE beside, a n d gas i m p o r t / e x p o r t a n d o i l e x p o r t u n d e r n e a t h , the e l e c t r i c a l p o w e r m o d u l e o n P i p e r . T h e first e x p l o s i o n seems to h a v e i n c a p a c i t a t e d v i r t u a l l y all of the e l e c t r i c a l s y s t e m , i n c l u d i n g lights a n d the p u b l i c address s y s t e m . T h e r a d i o r o o m was also d e s t r o y e d after the first e x p l o s i o n , so c o m m u n i c a t i o n s (including those to a n d from C l a y m o r e a n d T a r t a n , w h i c h w e r e r o u t e d t h r o u g h Piper) w e r e lost almost i m m e d i a t e l y . • T h e r e was q u e s t i o n a b l e safety o r g a n i s a t i o n . B e c a u s e d i v i n g operations w e r e i n progress at the time of the initial event o n P i p e r , b o t h of the i n d e p e n d e n t fire p u m p s w e r e s w i t c h e d f r o m a u t o m a t i c to m a n u a l o p e r a t i o n , to p r e v e n t d a m a g e to d i v e r s o p e r a t i n g i n the v i c i n i t y of the sub-sea p u m p inlets f o l l o w i n g a c c i d e n t a l starting of t h e p u m p s . T h u s , w h e n the worst h a p p e n e d , there w a s no fire w a t e r .
r e m o t e l y — a sufficient part. Safety also requires an a p p r o p r i a t e m a n a g e m e n t structure. B u t m a n a g e m e n t c a n n o t be m e r e l y p r e s c r i p t i v e . Offshore safety in the U k has t r a d i t i o n a l l y b e e n g o v e r n e d b y regulations, g e n e r a l l y e m a n a t i n g from the D e p a r t m e n t of E n e r g y . T h e r e g u l a t i o n s h a v e their uses: if the m a n a g e m e n t of a n installation fails to o b e y the regulations, t h e y c a n be r e q u i r e d to do so o r face shutdown. But a regulations-bound system falls d o w n because p r a c t i c e s not c o v e r e d b y the r e g u l a t i o n s are s i m p l y not addressed. P e o p l e b e c o m e c o m p l a c e n t w h e n t h e y a r e e n c o u r a g e d to t h i n k that safety c a n be e n s u r e d b y r e g u l a t i o n s e n f o r c e d b y i nspe c t ors. T h i s is p r e c i s e l y the reason w h y the H e a l t h & Safety at W o r k A c t w a s i n t r o d u c e d i n 1974: to replace a m y r i a d of r e g u l a t i o n s w i t h p l a c e m e n t of the p r i m a r y r e s p o n s i b i l i t y
• T h e r e was a q u e s t i o n a b l e e v a c u a t i o n procedure. T h e only person who could o r d e r a b a n d o n j m e n t of the p l a t f o r m was the Offshore Installation M a n a g e r , w h o s e p o s i t i o n was a n a l a g o u s to that of the C a p t a i n of the ship. H e a p p e a r s n e v e r to h a v e o r d e r e d e v a c u a t i o n . T h u s m a n y of those w h o d i e d w e r e m u s t e r e d (correctly) in the m a i n a c c o m m o d a t i o n m o d u l e — a n d w a i t e d there w h i l e c o n d i t i o n s d e t e r i o r a t e d. M a n y w h o s u r v i v e d d i d so b y i g n o r i n g t h e rules a n d t a k i n g their o w n c h a n c e s.
for safety w i t h those w h o c r e a t e the risks a n d those w h o w o r k w i t h t h e m , in other w o r d s w i t h the p l a t f o r m m a n a g e m e n t a n d operators in the present c o n t e x t . T h u s the r e a l w a y a h e a d lies w i t h c h a n g i n g the hearts a n d m i n d s of those w h o w o r k offshore a n d those w h o manage them. A cultural change, where safety is a n e x p l i c i t part of e v e r y d a y w o r k i n g life, is essential. T h e first a n d most significant step in this d i r e c t i o n is the use of o n s h o r e m e t h o d s offshore. T h e r e p l a c e m e n t of the D e p a r t m e n t of E n e r g y b y the H e a l t h & Safety E x e c u t i v e as the r e g u l a t o r y b o d y a n d the r e p l a c e m e n t of the e x t e r n a l l y i m p o s e d r e g u l a t i o n s b y self-regulation, as e x e m p l i f i e d i n f o r m a l safety assessments, are s o m e of the most important recommendations made by L o r d C u l l e n . W e n e e d to b e sure that the industry takes t h e m up w h o l e h e a r t e d l y . O t h e r w i s e , w e are just w a i t i n g for the next P i p e r .
W h a t are the lessons of P i p e r ? W h a t is the w a y a h e a d ? It is clear f r o m the failures just d e s c r i b e d that there w e r e s o m e t e c h n i c a l failures but m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y there w e r e m a n a g e m e n t failures. T h e t e c h n i c a l l y perfect s y s t e m can always be circumvented. Thus while t e c h n i c a l m e a s u r es are a necessary part of safety, t h e y are in no sense—not e v e n
26
Three Mile Island O n T h u r s d a y 2 9 t h N o v e m b e r Professor G r a h a m W a l l i s f r o m D a r t m o u t h College, H a n o v e r U S A , gave the a n n u a l Newitt lecture in the C h e m i c a l E n g i n e e r i n g department. T h r e e M i l e Island was the first major accident i n v o l v i n g a c o m m e r c i a l nuclear reactor. D u r i n g the course of the incident, w h i c h lasted for o v e r t w o hours, r a d i a t i o n was released into the c o n t a i n m e n t b u i l d i n g w i t h v e r y little b e i n g released into the e n v i r o n m e n t . It has b e e n estimated that a r o u n d t h i r t y p e o p l e h a v e d i e d as a result of the a c c i d e n t, all cancers caused b y the release of n o b l e gases l o n g after the initial i n c i d e n t . F o l l o w i n g the a c c i d e n t the c o m p a n y responsible for the b u i l d i n g of the r e a c t o r w e r e s u e d for $4.5 b i l l i o n , m o r e t h a n the they w e r e w o r t h . T h e p r e ssu r i se d w a t e r r e a c t o r ( P W R ) used 100 tons of U r a n i u m O x i d e to p r o d u c e a r o u n d 300 M W of heat. T h e fuel rods w e r e m a d e f r o m pellets of the fuel c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n m e t a l tubes. H u n d r e d s of these rods s t a c k e d together f o r m e d the reactor core w h i c h is t h e n c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n a pressure vessel a p p r o x i m a t e l y four b y si x m e t r e s w i t h w a l l s a r o u n d t w e n t y c e n t i m e t e r s t h i c k . T h e vessel was able to w i t h s t a n d a pressure of up to 170 bar. T h e p r o b l e m s started w h e n the m a i n feedwater to the b o i l e r s w a s shut d o w n due to p r o b l e m s w i t h the suppl y. This was were caused by ion-exchange resin, used to r e m o v e i m p u r i t i e s i n the water, b e c o m i n g e n t r a i n e d in the w a t e r a n d b l o c k i n g v a l v e s a n d pipes. W i t h i n five seconds the r e s i d u a l w a t e r i n the boilers b e g a n falling. In less than fifty seconds t h e b o i l e r s w e r e almost d r y . T h u s the heat g e n e r a t e d b y the reactor was not b e i n g dissipated. T h e reactor w a s t h e n shut d o w n , c o n t r o l r o d s w e r e inserted s t o p i n g the c h a i n r e a c t i o n . A l t h o u g h this r e d u c e d the heat b e i n g p r o d u c e d , fission products c o n t i n u e d to p r o d u c e heat at a rate of 150 M W . T h i s l e v e l fell d u r i n g the course of the accident to a r o u n d 30 M W w i t h i n a few hours. T o absorb t h e heat g e n e r a t e d a u x i l i a r y c o o l i n g w a t e r s h o u l d have c o m e o n a u t o m a t i c a l l y . U n f o r t u n a t e l y the v a l v e s that c o n n e c t e d the pipes to the b o i l e r s had been left shut d u r i n g m a i n t e n a n c e w o r k . O n l y after three a n d a half m i n u t e s was this w a t e r a v a i l a b l e , a n d so the reactor b e g a n to g r a d u a l l y c o o l . Despite this, the w a t e r inside the reactor itself c o n t i n u e d to heat up a n d e v e n t u a l l y b e g a n to b o i l . T h e steam p r o d u c e d e s c a p e d t h r o u g h a safety v a l u e a n d began to flood the floor of the c o n t a i n m e n t v e s s e l . T h e l e v e l of w a t e r
No
Smoking
The Questionnaire b e g a n to d r o p inside the p r e s s u r e vessel a n d sections of the r e a c t o r c o r e b e c a m e e x p o s e d . T h e y b e g a n to heat up to a r o u n d 1200°C. T h e tubes c o n t a i n i n g the r a d i o a c t i v e fuel e l e m e n t s b e g a n r e a c t i n g w i t h the w a t e r a n d p r o d u c e d a r o u n d a ton of h y d r o g e n . T h e r e w a s v e r y little c h a n c e of an e x p l o s i o n as t h e r e was n o t h i n g inside the reactor v e s s e l to react with. A t this stage the n e w shift of o p e r a t o rs c a m e o n , s a w w h a t was h a p p e n i n g a n d c o r r e c t e d the situation. D u r i n g the course of the n e x t few days a n d w e e k s p e o p l e a t t e m p t e d to get the r e a c t o r b a c k into w o r k i n g o r d e r but w i t h no success. T h e reasons for the disaster are m a n y a n d v a r i e d , the simplest o n e b e i n g h u m a n e r r o r . A s Prof. W a l l i s said, ' w e gave t h e m a sports car a n d t h e y c r a s h e d it'. Left a l o n e the e m e r g e n c y c o n t r o l systems w o u l d p r o b a b l y h a v e b r o u g h t the s y s t e m u n d e r c o n t r o l a n d a v o i d e d the disaster. In A m e r i c a t o d a y no m o r e nuclear reactors are b e i n g built, n o n e are o r d e r e d a n d those that r e m a i n are m e r e l y maintained.
FELIX
A c c o m m o d a t i n g the rights of s m o k e r s a n d n o n - s m o k e r s has b e c o m e an i m p o r t a n t s o c i a l issue in r e c e n t years. T o address this t r e n d I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e is a t t e m p t i n g to recognise these rights, a n d our task w o u l d be i n c o m p l e t e w i t h o u t the v i e w s of students. Please fill in the Q u e s t i o n n a i r e attached a n d r e t u r n b y 7th J a n u a r y 1991 to the a p p o p r i a t e l o c a t i o n .
right to sell t o b a c c o to o v e r 16's is u n q u e s t i o n e d . W h a t is q u e s t i o n a b l e is the morality. W o u l d any socially-responsible person promote and advertise a d a n g e r o u s p r o d u c t o n w h i c h its v i c t i m s become 'hooked', knowing, moreover, that most are h o o k e d w h e n t h e y are y o u n g a n d i m p r e s s i o n a b l e a n d h a v e not r e a c h e d the l e g a l p u r c h a s i n g age?
W h i l e filling in this q u e s t i o n n a i r e a few points to r e m e m b e r . S m o k i n g in different social groups v a r i e s . In professional groups, 20 per cent of m e n s m o k e . A m o n g u n s k i l l e d w o r k e r s the rate is 40-50 per cent. T h e s m e l l of t o b a c c o o n clothes or b r e a t h is unpleasant to n o n s m o k e r s . S m o k i n g has an a g e i n g effect. H e a r t disease a n d l u n g c a n c e r are n o w serious p r o b l e m s a m o n g s t w o m e n s m o k e r s as w e l l as m e n w h o die prematurely.
T h e a r g u m e n t is h o w e v e r , that if e v e r y o n e s t o p p e d s m o k i n g a lot of p e o p l e w o u l d be out of a job. A b o u t 20,000 p e o p l e are e m p l o y e d s o l e l y in the m a n u f a c t u r e a n d d i s t r i b u t i o n of cigarettes. U p to 2 0 0 , 0 0 0 others are p a r t i a l l y i n v o l v e d . W e s p e n d i n this c o u n t r y about £ 5 , 5 0 0 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 (£5 billion) a y e a r o n cigarettes. A h u s b a n d a n d wife e a c h s m o k i n g 15 cigarettes a d a y s p e n d between them £700-800 a year. This m o n e y w o u l d usually be spent o n other goods a n d s e r v i c e s — c r e a t i n g jobs.
Most adults (two thirds) do not s m o k e a n d t w o t h i r d s of s m o k e r s w o u l d like to stop. So most people e v i d e n t l y c o n s i d e r s m o k i n g u n d e s i r a b l e . If y o u s m o k e a n d e v i d e n t l y can't give up, does it lessen y o u r c r e d i b i l i t y to be in a u t h o r i t y o v e r other people? T o b a c c o is a legal p r o d u c t . T h e legal
If y o u are c o n s i d e r i n g g i v i n g up s m o k i n g , the m a i n s o u r c e of help is the C o l l e g e H e a l t h C e n t r e w h o is n o w o r g a n i s i n g s m a l l support g r o u p s to help people give up smoking. M a r y O ' S u l l i v a n , IC H e a l t h C e n t r e .
World Leaders Mac operators in Student Travel
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Sir Clive Sinclair presents his vision of tomorrow...
9 FELIX
Inventing the Future
W h e n Sir C l i v e Si nc l a ir v i s i t e d I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e o n W e d n e s d a y 5th N o v e m b e r , he said that his c o m p a n y , S i n c l a i r R e s e a r c h , w o u l d be l a u n c h i n g p e r s o n a l telephones a n d the composite-fibre b i c y c l e s n e x t year. He addressed a tightly-packed lecture t h e a t r e o n the subject ' I n v e n t i n g the Future.' In this he q u e s t i o n e d the c o m m o n belief that w e are l i v i n g in times of huge t e c h n o l o g i c a l c h a n g e , stating that, o n the c o n t r a r y , things h a v e not c h a n g e d a great deal o v e r the last t w e n t y y e a r s . H e put f o r w a r d the i d e a that this w a s because o v e r the last c o u p l e of decades, technological companies have become g l o b a l , s w a l l o w i n g c o m p e t i t o r s , until just a few m o n o p o l i s e the w o r l d m a r k e t s . W h i l e this b r o u g h t e c o n o m i e s of scale, it also m e a n s that to invest i n a n y t h i n g n e w b e c o m e s a huge risk. T o c h a n g e to a n e w technology means massive reinvestment in p r o d u c t i o n lines in factories all o v e r the w o r l d , a n d because c o m p a n i e s t e n d to be r u n b y cautious accountants rather t h a n e n t r e p r e n e u r s , the r i s k s are r a r e l y t a k e n , hence the stagnation i n t e c h n o l o g y . T h e p r i c e of p r o d u c t i o n efficiency is that it b e c o m e s too e x p e n s i v e to c h a n g e . T o support this a r g u m e n t , he q u o t e d s e v e r a l e x a m p l e s . E a c h y e a r since 1976, the a v e r a g e s p e e d of air traffic across the A t l a n t i c has d e c l i n e d : this is because the n u m b e r of s u b s o n i c flights has i n c r e a s e d w h i l e s u p e r s o n i c flights h a v e r e m a i n e d at a constant l e v e l . T h i s is the m o n o p o l y of the B o e i n g 747, w h i c h has b e e n flying for 25 years, yet no c h a l l e n g e r has e m e r g e d since then. W h a t has h a p p e n e d ? A i r b u s Industries started a n e w f a m i l y of aircraft, yet this w a s still b a s e d o n the tube-withw i n g s c o n c e p t , w h e r e a s it has b e e n k n o w n for y e a r s that ' f l y i n g w i n g s ' offer up to 3 0 % i n c r e a s e in efficiency. W h y is this ' n e w ' t e c h n o l o g y not used? T h e risks of failure are too great a n d the timel e n g t h of the p r o d u c t is t o o l o n g (the n e w B o e i n g 777 has a design life of 40 years): l a r g e c o m p a n i e s must not be a l l o w e d to risk g o i n g b a n k r u p t . For s e v e r a l decades, w e h a v e b e e n p r o m i s e d large flat-screen w a l l - m o u n t e d televisions: Professor G a b o r (famous for h o l o g r a p h y ) w o r k e d o n the p r o b l e m 30 years ago, but the p r o d u c t is still "just a r o u n d the c o r n e r ". I m p r o v e m e n t s a n d n e w t e c h n o l o g y are "not because p e o p l e don't w a n t it or don't w o r k o n it" but because the unreadfhess for change "seems to be a function of t h e c o n c e n t r a t i o n of the p o w e r " that manufacturers have. H e said that w h i l e p r o d u c t s s u c h as the I B M P C set standards, they also froze the entire i n d u s t r y , because no-one dares to m a k e a n y t h i n g different. " W e n e e d c o m p a n i e s to e x p l o r e the t e r r i t o r y so w e can find the best." " W e h a v e lost the w i l l to change": suspension b r i d g e s c o u l d be
28
Sir Clive with his phonepoint phone. five miles in span u s i n g c o m p o s i t e fibres. W h y t u n n e l u n d e r the C h a n n e l u s i n g 150-year o l d t e c h n o l o g y w h e n y o u c o u l d b r i d g e it w i t h five spans? " I n c r e d i b l e c a u t i o n is the u l t i m a te e n e m y of i n n o v a t i o n . W e must h a v e p e o p l e m a k i n g decisions, p r e p a r e d to take a leap into the future." So w h e r e d o w e go t o d a y ? T h e b i g , Currently fashionable a l t h o u g h age-old p r o b l e m is the e n v i r o n m e n t . H e thought that, u l t i m a t e l y , " a l l transport has to be electric", using e n e r g y f r o m w i n d generators, s o l a r p o w e r , w a t e r p o w e r (tidal, w a v e s , a n d h y d r o e l e c t r i c ) , these sources b e i n g " v e r y close to e c o n o m i c reality." A i r c r a f t c o u l d be p o w e r e d b y h y d r o g e n . H e said that e v e n the U S A c o u l d g e n e r a t e a l l its e n e r g y r e q u i r e m e n t s from w i n d . (Fossil fuels must go in the l o n g t e r m b e c a u s e of c a r b o n d i o x i d e emission.) H e h y p o t h e s i s e d that " i n v e n t i o n is often the m o t h e r of necessity": before the i n v e n t i o n of the ball-point p e n o r p h o t o c o p i e r , no-one p e r c e i v e d a n e e d for s u c h things. T h e necessity f o l l o w s the i n v e n t i o n , but "the i n v e n t o r has to pursue his o w n i d e a w i t h i n c r e d i b l e v i g o u r " in o r d e r for it to succeed. " I n v e n t i o n s m e a n c h a n g e , " but w e are g e n e t i c a l l y p r o g r a m m e d to resist c h a n g e , s i n c e , in the past it was m o s t l y for the w o r s e . Sir C l i v e also g a v e e x a m p l e s close to his heart, the p o c k e t c a l c u l a t o r a n d the digital w a t c h . W h e n he w e n t r o u n d to v a r i o u s c o m p a n i e s to find
out if t h e y w o u l d p r o d u c e t h e m , n o n e of t h e m c o u l d see a n y m a r k e t for t h e m . H e c o n c l u d e d b y o u t l i n i n g s o m e of the r e s e a r c h areas his c o m p a n y is w o r k i n g i n : • A r t i f i c i a l i n t e l l i g e n c e . T h i s is a l o n g t e r m project w h i c h he c o n s i d e r s important in increasing human wealth in e d u c a t i o n , h e a l t h , leisure a n d services. T h e y are w o r k i n g o n p a r a l l e l p r o c e s s i n g , usi ng s i l i c o n wafers c o n t a i n i n g thousands of processors r u n n i n g s i m u l t a n e o u s l y . • P e r s o n a l t e l e p h o n e s that w o r k a n y w h e r e i n the w o r l d . H e considers a v e r y tight-packed cellular 'phone system c o m b i n e d w i t h satellites to be the best s o l u t i o n . B a b i e s w i l l be a b l e "to h a v e their p e r s o n a l ' p h o n e n u m b e r tattooed o n t h e m at b i r t h , " the n u m b e r r e m a i n i n g theirs for life. •Wind-power. • E l e c t r i c cars. " T h e C 5 w a s i n t e n d e d as a s t e p p i n g stone." A t the t i m e of the C 5 , the C 1 5 , a four-seat electric v e h i c l e h a d a range of 150 m i l e s . T h e latest v e r s i o n has a range of 250 m i l e s , m a x s p e e d 80 m p h , 0-60 m p h in 7 seconds. H e s a i d "they w o n ' t suit e v e r y o n e , " but s o o n e r o r later plug-in r e c h a r g e points " s h o u l d b e c o m e ubiquitous." • C o m p o s i t e - f i b r e b i c y c l e . H e hopes this w i l l meet an as-yet u n p e r c e i v e d n e e d for a n instant-folding, easily-portable b i c y c l e that c a n be c a r r i e d a r o u n d b y people, instead of l e a v i n g it l o c k e d up. Roland Flowerdew.
Chris Riley tells a Christmas tale of massacre and corruption...
Pining
For The Fjords
C h r i s t m a s - catastrophe f o r Conifers? A r e n a t i v e w o o d l a n d s b e i n g b u l l d o z e d to m a k e w a y for C h r i s t m a s t r e e plantations or is it just a n o t h e r crop? C h r i s R i l e y investigates. W h a t w o u l d C h r i s t m a s be w i t h o u t that glowing, tinsel clad N o r w a y Spruce or D o u g l a s P i n e s l o w l y d y i n g i n the c o r n e r ? M a n y n o w m a k e a habit of b u y i n g trees w i t h roots intact, but e v e n this doesn't g u a r a n t e e the s u r v i v a l of the plant. S i n c e the d i n o s a u r s r o a m e d the e a r t h , conifer plants h a v e c a r p e t e d hillsides, but t o d a y , vast tracts of c o n i f e r o u s w o o d l a n d are b e i n g felled for t i m b e r , the c o n s t r u c t i o n i n d u s t r y a n d t h e paper industry. T h e a m o u n t of t i m b e r c o n s u m e d w o r l d w i d e e a c h y e a r w o u l d fill the A t l a n t i c O c e a n t w i c e . F o r e s t r y is b i g business; the a v e r a g e c i t i z e n of the n o r t h e r n h e m i s p h e r e uses w e l l o v e r 150kg or o v e r t w i c e their b o d y w e i g h t of paper e v e r y y e a r . B r i t a i n a l o n e gets t h r o u g h w e l l o v e r 50 m i l l i o n t o n n e s of p a p e r e a c h y e a r . T h i s is the e q u i v a l e n t of n e a r l y s e v e n years of c o n t i n u o u s p h o t o c o p y i n g ! O v e r three quarters of this c o m e s from s o f t w o o d trees l i k e conifers. T h e t h i r d w o r l d uses about o n e t h i r d of this, but is o n the i n c r e a s e .
D a v e , a n d Ian A n d e r s o n , of J e t h r o T u l l fame, h a v e t a k e n up g e n e r o u s G o v e r n m e n t t a x c o n c e s s i o n s to establish large p l a n t a t i o n s . Despite s u c h p l a n t i n g p r o g r a m m e s , the w o o d d e f i c i e n c y still exists. M a n y y o u n g trees are fatally d a m a g e d b y sheep, deer a n d the effect of a c i d r a i n . T h e latter has r e c e d e d f r o m the p u b l i c e y e w i t h the increases in a w a r e n e s s of g l o b a l w a r m i n g and ozone depletion. Unlike deciduous trees, conifers a r e p a r t i c u l a r l y susceptible to a c i d r a i n . W i t h their l o n g lasting foliage t h e y are u n a b l e to s h e d t o x i n s in the a u t u m n . A r o u n d 6 4 % of B r i t a i n ' s trees s h o w t h e effect of a c i d r a i n . But w h a t of C h r i s t m a s trees? It seems that these little g r e e n c l o n e s are just another c r o p , g r o w n o n o p e n l a n d that w o u l d o t h e r w i s e be used for arable l a n d . No forests a r e cut d o w n t o m a k e w a y for C h r i s t m a s trees. A l l trees s o l d are b e t w e e n four a n d ten years o l d . B y h a r v e s t i n g at this age, f a r m e r s argue that the c r o p is p h o t o s y n t h e t i c a l l y m o r e active, u s i n g m o r e c a r b o n d i o x i d e a n d p r o d u c i n g m o r e o x y g e n - g o o d for everyone. H o w ' G r e e n ' is that ' G r e e n C a r d ' ? T o c a s h i n o n the n e w e n v i r o n m e n t a l l y a w a r e p u b l i c , this C h r i s t m a s the B C C c a r d centre h a v e i n t r o d u c e d t h e i r ' G r e e n C a r d ' . P r e d i c t a b l y , t h e c a r d is d e c o r a t e d w i t h a globe a n d is p r e s u m a b l y g r e e n . It is b a c k e d up b y V i s a a n d M a s t e r C a r d a n d is therefore a c c e p t e d in 7 m i l l i o n outlets w o r l d w i d e . B C C advertise that funds g e n e r a t e d f r o m the use of the c a r d go t o w a r d s c h a r i t i e s that help e n d a n g e r e d species, p o l l u t i o n of seas a n d r i v e r s o r d e s t r u c t i o n of the rainforests. T w o pictures s h o w the C h r i s t m a s lights i n O x f o r d Street a n d a wildlife scene. T h e c a p t i o n b e n e a t h reads ' G r e e n C a r d ' welcomed here a n d here.
In the past, felled trees w e r e frequently r e p l a c e d b y s i n g l e species plantations. T h e y w e r e often n o n - n a t i v e a n d p l a n t e d for their e c o n o m i c p o t e n t i a l rather t h a n for a n y e c o l o g i c a l c o n s i d e r a t i o n s . T o d a y , the forestry c o m m i s s i o n f o l l o w s strict p l a n t i n g r e g u l a t i o n s. A d i v e r s i t y of species are p l a n t e d a n d the edge of the p l a n t a t i o n is m a d e to l o o k as n a t u r a l as possible b y u s i n g species w i t h different g r o w t h rates to p r o d u c e trees of differing heights. T r e e s p a c i n g is also i n c r e a s e d t o w a r d s the outside of the p l a n t a t i o n . O p p o n e n t s of plantations still argue that w i t h this i n c r e a s e in q u a n t i t y of trees p l a n t e d , the delicate b a l a n c e of the forests is b e i n g upset. G r o u n d is p l o u g h e d or ripped up a n d fertilizers are a p p l i e d . T h e d r a i n a g e pattern a n d soil c h e m i s t r y is altered, c a u s i n g increases in s e d i m e n t a n d nutrient loads o n r i v e r s , a n d h a r m to freshwater fish. C u r r e n t l y B r i t a i n o n l y has a r o u n d 15,000 h e c t a r e s of c o n i f e r o u s forest (about the size of the C i t y of L o n d o n ) . A l t h o u g h 2 5 , 0 0 0 hectares of n e w forest are p l a n t e d e a c h y e a r w e still h a v e to s p e n d £ 7 b i l l i o n a y e a r i m p o r t i n g 9 0 % of our w o o d . M o s t of this c o m e s f r o m S c a n d i n a v i a a n d Russia w h e r e forestry practice is n o t as strict. H u n d r e d s of forest species are d i s a p p e a r i n g a n d m a n y w i l l be e n d a n g e r e d in a f e w years. T h e g o v e r n m e n t tries to c o r r e c t this shortage b y offering tax i n c e n t i v e s to l a n d o w n e r s w h o d e v o t e l a n d use to plantations. W i t h i n S c o t l a n d , w h e r e there are a l r e a d y 1,000 hectares of forest, p o p u l a r m u s i c i a n s s u c h as C h a z a n d
ENVIRO
Up in lights: the Trafalgar Square tree donated by Norway.
T h e p r o s p e c t i v e c u s t o m e r has a c h o i c e of interest rates. If t h e y opt to p a y an a n n u a l fee of £ 6 t h e n the rate is 1.9%. A l t e r n a t i v e l y if y o u are o n e of these p e o p l e w h o a l w a y s pays t h e i r bills o n t i m e , t h e n y o u c a n w a i v e the a n n u a l fee a n d opt for a h i g h e r interest rate of 2 . 1 % . T h e c a r d r e p o r t e d l y d o n a t e s m o n e y to o v e r ten charities; not o n l y w o r l d e n v i r o n m e n t a l o r g a n i s a t i o n s but also organisations like ' C a r e of B r i t a i n ' . So h o w m u c h m o n e y a c t u a l l y goes to these charities? It turns o u t that for e v e r y £ 1 0 0 y o u s p e n d u s i n g the c a r d , B C C donate 30p to b e s h a r e d out b e t w e e n the ten o r g a n i s a t i o n s . T h a t w o r k s out at the generous a m o u n t of 0.33%! H o w e v e r B C C do stress that if y o u i n t r o d u c e a friend to the c a r d , t h e n t h e y donate £ 5 . So w i t h s u c h g o o d w i l l h o w do t h e y still m a n a g e to m a k e a profit? L i k e a l l other credit cards t h e y r e l y o n the b a d financial m a n a g e m e n t of their c u s t o m e r s , consumer temptations and over spending.
E v e n for o n e t e r m there is s u c h a vast c o l l e c t i o n of n e w s that I h a d d e c i d e d to categorise all t h e stories. T h e n u m b e r s of stories i n e a c h c a t e g o r y gives an i n s t r u c t i v e o v e r v i e w of w h a t has b e e n p r e o c c u p y i n g F E L I X this a u t u m n . Law a n d O r d e r 16 Rag Affairs C o n t i n u i n g Stories G e n e r a l Stupidity Resignations etc. The Union Important V i s i t o r s Interesting Irrelevancies Fire and Flood College T y r a n n y
9 9 8 6 6 5 3 3 2
r e c o r d e r a n d a m i c r o w a v e , p r o b a b l y to s o m e o n e l i v i n g i n the hall, w h i c h o n l y goes to s h o w y o u that the non-student w o r l d doesn't h a v e a m o n o p o l y o n s u c h v e r m i n . In c o m p a r i s o n to p e o p l e w h o r e m o v e d 20 m e t r e s of c o p p e r p i p i n g f r o m u n d e r Sherfield w h i c h w o u l d h a v e s a v e d peoples' lives i n case of a fire, the a b o v e v e r m i n are p o s i t i v e l y b e n e v o l e n t . I agree w i t h the s e n t i m e n t that IC w o u l d r u n just as w e l l (and p r o b a b l y better) if Sherfield c e a s e d to be, but I don't t h i n k m u r d e r i n g the o c c u p a n t s is r e a l l y c a l l e d for.
w o r d s of the n e w s story 'the R C S U m a s c o t r y t e a m had b e e n u n a v a i l a b l e for c o m m e n t . . . ' . T h e most useful phrase in the reporter's thesaurus s p e a k s v o l u m e s t h r o u g h i n s i n u a t i o n . Last w e e k there was a case of i n d e c e n t e x p o s u r e in a departmental library. He was probably t r y i n g to upstage the nude k a m i k a z e parachute jump. So w h a t has b e e n d o n e to c o u n t e r this c a t a l o g ue of petty a n d not so petty c r i m e ? T w o v e r m i n (or b i c y c l e thieves if y o u prefer) w e r e spotted a n d caught b y a
I
Law a n d O r d e r E v e n if y o u d i s a g r e e w i t h m y c a t e g o r i s a t i o n there is no doubt that theft has b e e n the biggest p r o b l e m i n IC this t e r m . T h i s leads m e to b e l i e v e that IC s e c u r i t y officers, Messrs B r i l e y a n d R e e v e s , are the o n l y p e o p l e i n the C o l l e g e w i t h a real job to d o . C o n s i d e r i n g the vast a m o u n t of i n f o r m a t i o n t h e y h a v e g i v e n to F E L I X o v e r the last few y e a r s I feel t h e y s h o u l d be a w a r d e d a n h o n o r a r y news reportership. It is tragic that after the l a n d l o r d a n d the G o v e r n m e n t take t h e i r p o u n d of flesh, the thief deftly r e m o v e s the rest. T o date since the b e g i n n i n g of t e r m w e h a v e seen scores of b i c y c l e thefts. W e h a v e h a d m o r e w a l k - i n t h i e v es r e p o r t e d t h a n there are things for s u c h a thief to steal. A c h e q u e b o o k a n d c a r d w e r e stolen from a l o c k e r in M e c h E n g . P e r s o n a l stereos,
Rag Week: a poor turnout ' U n s o c i a l b e h a v i o u r ' o n the part of s o m e p e o p l e resulting in l a v a t o r y r o o m s in M e c h E n g b e i n g g i v e n n e w t e x t u r e d w a l l d e c o r a t i o n in g l o r i o u s s h i t - b r o w n . It is a p e r s o n a l t h e o r y that the culprits w e r e fed up w i t h m a g n o l i a . I C U p e o p l e w e r e suspected of h a v i n g v a n d a l i s e d the toilets
Clayponds: Imperial's newest residence c h e q u e b o o k s a n d £ 2 2 0 w e r e stolen from the U n i o n G y m . A n u m b e r of cars have b e e n b r o k e n i n t o near the O l d C h e m i s t r y B u i l d i n g a n d a football kit was stolen from Southside. F i s h e r H a l l lost a v i d e o
at St M a r y ' s to the tune of £ 1 5 0 — i n r e v e n g e for a m a s c o t r y affair. T h e p l a q u e from the M a n a g e m e n t S c h o o l was stolen, and after this h a d b e e n r e p o r t e d in F E L I X it s u d d e n l y r e a p p e a r e d . In the d a m n i n g
c e r t a i n M r P i t r o l a . Identity c h e c k s w e r e started in S o u t h s i d e B a r . ' T h e r e are a lot of p e o p l e w h o s h o u l d not b e in the bar and w e must c o m p l y w i t h the l i c e n s i ng law' said Bar Manager, Roger Pownall. T h i s m a y h a v e b e e n the result of a serious fracas in Southside three w e e k s before w h i c h r e s u l t e d i n a m a n t r y i n g to escape f r o m the p o l i c e b y r u n n i n g d o w n the tube t u n n e l at S o u t h K e n s i n g t o n station. M r P o w n a l l ' s c o n s i d e r e d a n d r e a s o n e d r e s p o n s e c a n be c o m p a r e d to Rob N o r t h e y ' s 'the next b a s t a r d w h o has a punch-up at Southside I'm g o i n g to t u r n the fire hose o n ' . T h e q u e s t i o n r e m a i n s w h e t h e r the i d e n t i t y c h e c k s w i l l p r e v e n t s u c h d r u n k e n fights o r help i n d u c e t h e m . T h e security officers h a v e b e e n p l u g g i n g b i c y c l e D-locks a n d their e m e r g e n c y n u m b e r (3372) l i k e m a d . M r B r i l e y s u m m e d up w h a t us p o t e n t i a l v i c t i m s c o u l d do b y s a y i n g w e c o u l d ' s h o w a little r e sp o n si b i l i ty i n shutting d o o r s a n d u s i n g locks'. T h e b i c y c l e c o d i n g sessions p r o v e d a great success w i t h 130 p e o p l e b r i n g i n g items to c o d e . Rag Affairs This got a lot of c o v e r a g e in the last few w e e k s . T h e y h a v e raised thousands of p o u n d s so far. M o n o p o l y r a i s e d £ 4 , 6 0 0 , T i d d l y w i n k i n g d o w n O x f o r d Street £ 1 , 5 0 0 . T h e R a g r a i d to G u i l d f o r d raised £ 1 8 5 , the L e u k a e m i a R e s e a r c h pub c r a w l r a i s e d £ 4 3 0 , the R C S B e e r F e s t i v a l r a i s e d £ 4 , 7 0 0 (and I w a s m o a n i n g about i m p o v e r i s h e d students!). T h e H y p n o s i s L e c t u r e p r o v e d a great success m a k i n g o v e r £ 1 , 0 0 0 a n d the C & G S l a v e A u c t i o n
raised £ 7 0 0 . £ 1 3 0 was m a d e f r o m the B a r Q u i z , w o n b y the F E L I X t e a m (I a d d i n an u n b i a s e d sort of w a y ) . T h e E x e c . Initiative p r o v e d o n c e a g a i n that the U n i o n E x e c u t i v e are b l o o d y difficult to get r i d of. T h i s y e a r t h e y w e r e all c h a i n e d together a n d I suggest that to m a k e it m o r e difficult a l a r g e c o n c r e t e b l o c k s h o u l d be a t t a c h e d a n d the g r o u p t h r o w n from Battersea B r i d g e . A n y takers? T h e N u d e K a m i k a z e P a r a c h u t e J u m p r a i s e d o v e r £ 3 9 0 a n d the M i n e s D i r t y D i s c o raised £ 2 5 0 . C o n t i n u i n g Stories A s in p r e v i o u s years Southside l o c k s w e r e c h a n g e d w i t h o u t t e l l i ng the occupants. Last y e a r this caught out the w a r d e n of o n e of the halls. Indeed, last y e a r there was a serious cafuffle o v e r the k e y s so that the fobs that w e r e h a n d e d out w e r e out of date a n d so w e r e useless. T h e r e is to b e a hall i n E a l i n g c a l l e d ' C l a y p o n d s ' for 405 students, the b u y i n g of w h i c h w a s to be f i n a n c e d b y the sale of M o n t p e l i e r H a l l . T h e latter aspect has t e m p o r a r i l y fallen t h r o u g h due to p r o b l e m s in a s s u r i n g the b i n d i n g of a n y contract. T h i s leaves a few c o n c e r n e d students h a n g i n g i n m i d a i r a n d c o n f u s i o n still reigns o v e r the w h o l e affair.
S c i e n c e F i c t i o n Society's L i b r a r y d o o r s o m e w h e r e u n d e r Beit Q u a d . A l l t h e y w e r e r e q u i r e d to do was to l a y a p o w e r cable, but n o , B o d g e i t a n d Leggit enjoy m a k i n g holes in walls, c e i l i n g s a n d d o o r s . T h e y get so little fun these days, p o o r dears. O n a s o m e w h a t bigger scale, the University Funding Council, a body p r o d u c i n g a lot of hot air a n d v e r y little m o n e y , refuse t o fund the u n i v e r s i t i e s to the levels the u n i v e r s i t i e s thought they n e e d e d . In s u m m a r y , u n i v e r s i t i e s must support m o r e students to a better l e v e l of e d u c a t i o n w i t h less m o n e y . Q u i t e a g o o d precis of C o n s e r v a t i v e P a r t y p o l i c y . T h e net result of this is that students h a v e to p a y the difference. T h i n g s are getting v e r y tight at IC, the m e m b r a n e s e p a r a t i n g I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e from I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e pic is b e c o m i n g d a n g e r o u s l y t h i n . A l r e a d y the L o n d o n S c h o o l of E c o n o m i c s a n d University College have considered c h a r g i n g t u i t i o n fees.
T o w e r ' s lions h a d b e e n so s e r i o u s l y e m b a r r a s s e d that a d e e p r e d h a d suffused its o t h e r w i s e s t o n y c h e e k s . T h e c u l p r it was p r o b a b l y f r o m K i n g ' s C o l l e g e a n d is not k n o w n . T h e r e d paint w a s r e m o v e d s o o n after, c o s t i n g o v e r £ 2 0 0 . T h e l i o n had been p a i n t e d before a n d then had b e e n sa ndbl a st ed c l e a n . M r R e e v e s c o m m e n t e d 'If w e h a v e to sandblast the lions m u c h m o r e w e ' l l e n d up w i t h a c o u p l e of b l o o d y m i c e ' . Resignation o r Office Shifts T h e r e was a st a rt l i ng c o i n c i d e n c e b e t w e e n events of N a t i o n a l I m p o r t a n c e i n the C o n s e r v a t i v e P a r t y a n d o u r o w n homely college. Suzanne A h m e t resigned as E x t e r n a l Affairs Office to b e c o m e R C S U P r e s i d e n t . S o o n after Geoffrey H o w e r e s i g n e d to b e c o m e a n o b o d y . B a d luck Geoff. W h e n Reggie ' M a d a m e J o J o ' Blennerhassett, the l i b i d i n o u s l e p r e c h a u n of the U n i o n Office r e s i g n e d , the s h o c k w a v e s p e n e t r a t e d the C o n s e r v a t i v e P a r t y
U n i v e r s i t y C o l l e g e has finally s o l d bits of its u n i o n . T h e u n i o n , for its part, seems r e m a r k a b l y c a l m about this after the furore it k i c k e d up last y e a r . I get the feeling that s o m e a g r e e m e n t has b e e n m a d e , o r is i n t h e process of b e i n g m a d e, b e t w e e n the c o l l e g e a n d the u n i o n w h i c h is m u t u a l l y b e n e f i c i a l a n d w h i c h t h e y w o n ' t tell. Q u e e n M a r y a n d W e st f i e ld C o l l e g e has t a k e n drastic a c t i o n to save m o n e y — i t has d e c i d e d to close at least one department and severely curtail others. A n o t h e r o l d chestnut—the m y s t e r i o u s case of the c o l l a p s i n g ceilings. T h i s has b e e n g o i n g o n in this C o l l e g e ' s o l d e r residencies for as l o n g as I c a n r e m e m b e r . T w o p e o p l e w h o s e names s e e m to a p p e a r w h e n e v e r the w o r d ' c e i l i n g ' is u t t e r e d are J o e D i n e s a n d Peter H a l l w o r t h . T h e latter is the Scarlet P i m p e r n e l of estates. A m a z i n g l y , w h e n e v e r a n o t h e r c e i l i n g collapses he is s u d d e n l y b o o k e d up for m e e t i n g s until the c e i l i n g c o l l a p s e ceases to be n e w s . Quite an extraordinary coincidence. Far be it f r o m m e to de duce a n y deceit in this, I'm sure it's in the residents' interests that the k n o w l e d g e that the b u i l d i n g in w h i c h they live is unsafe is k e p t from t h e m . T h e y m i g h t d e c i d e to refuse rent, s i m p l y l e a v e o r start c o m p l a i n i n g . T h a t w o u l d n e v e r do. G e n e r a l Stupidity T o w a r d s the b e g i n n i n g of the y e a r s o m e c o n t r a c t o r s — p r o b a b l y r e l a t e d to the c o n t r a c t o r s m e n t i o n e d i n last year's F E L I X , namely 'Bodgeit and Leggit'—were responsible for d r i l l i n g a hole i n IC
The axe-man cometh. Continuing with another Government bugbear, the student loans saga, b y the b e g i n n i n g of N o v e m b e r o n l y 200 out of 6,000 students h a d a p p l i e d . This c o u l d m e a n one of t w o things—either students are so w e a l t h y that t h e y d o n ' t n e e d t h e m or they object to the i dea of student loans. A n y b o d y w i t h half a b r a i n w o u l d not find that d i l e m m a too difficult to s o l v e . U n f o r t u n a t e l y the u p p e r e c h e l o n s of the G o v e r n m e n t sold most of their brains to the D e v i l o n the w a y up. I n v o l u n t a r y d e c a p i t a t i o n w a s the o r d e r of the d a y as scores of p e o p l e w a t c h e d the p o l i c e d e a l w i t h a suspected car b o m b in Q u e e n s G a t e . F o r t u n a t e l y it was a false a l a r m , but the IC security officers e x p r e s s e d c o n c e r n that so m a n y p e o p l e w e r e u n a w a r e of the p o s s i b l y fatal c o n s e q u e n c e s of an e x p l o s i o n . T h e r e w e r e r e d lions a l l r o u n d w h e n it w a s d i s c o v e r e d that o n e of the Q u e e n s
c e n t r a l office a n d out t u m b l e d M a r g a r e t T h a t c h e r . I a d v i s e M r Major to w a t c h c l o s e l y , his fate is in the U n i o n ' s hands. T h i n g s w e r e h a p p e n i n g in Sherfield w h e n T o m S t e v e n s, IC Business M a n a g e r , was g i v e n the j o l l y o l d heave-ho. A n g u s Fraser, the m a n i n the k n o w , g a v e the ever-so d a m n i n g 'no c o m m e n t ' a n d left it to our i m a g i n a t i o n . N e w s reporters h a v e fantastic i m a g i n a t i o n s so this w a s a r a t h e r silly t h i n g to do—I suspect there w e r e a lot of s p i n a l injuries in S h e r f i e ld that w e e k . T h i s affair m a y h a v e s o m e t h i n g to do w i t h R o b N o r t h e y ' s a n n o u n c e d intention to r e s i g n . M r N o r t h e y was IC's Refectory M a n a g e r a n d has d o n e a lot of w o r k o n the C o l l e g e ' s eateries. W h a t little reason he gave for l e a v i n g w a s i n t e r r u p t e d b y m e a n i n g f u l silences a n d m a n y a c h u c k l e d 'I'm not g o i n g to tell y o u ' . T h e i m a g i n a t i o n runs riot.
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The Union O u r student u n i o n has k e p t its nose d o w n this t e r m , the sabbaticals are either b e i n g v e r y c o n s c i e n t i o u s or d o i n g n o t h i n g . I i n c l i n e to the f o r m e r v i e w as little in the w a y of c o m p l a i n t has c o m e our w a y . A major b l o o p e r was e r e c t i n g the giant m a r q u e e o n the Q u e e n s L a w n for the C a r e e r s F a i r w i t h o u t t e l l i ng the fifth floor b u r e a u c r a t s of Sherfield w h o like to b e l i e v e t h e y are i m p o r t a n t . T h e C a r e e r s F a i r was a r o a r i n g success i n all w a y s e x c e p t financial—it just b r o k e e v e n in c o m p a r i s o n w i t h the £ 1 5 , 0 0 0 to £ 1 6 , 0 0 0 profit it m a d e last year.
of P r a g u e a n d Professor F a n g L i Z h i of C h i n a . Professor F a n g L i Z h i w a s the dissident w h o h i d out i n the A m e r i c a n Embassy in Beijing during, and a long t i m e after, the T i a n a n m e n M a s s a c r e . Interesting Irrelevancies T h e U n i o n h a d 3,500 u n w a n t e d student w e l c o m e p a c k s foisted u p o n it at the b e g i n n i n g of the y e a r . W h o w a n t e d them? W h o k n o w s ? O h w e l l , I'm n e v e r to t h r o w a w a y a gift a n d the plastic b a g m a k e s a superb d u s t b i n liner. IC's space p h y s i c s d e p a r t m e n t built a m a g n e t o m e t e r to b o l d l y g o w h e r e no
w h e n a grill caught light. In neither case was a n y b o d y seriously hurt, t h o u g h in W e e k s H a l l o n e of the firefighters c o m p l a i n e d of a painful chest from the smoke. A n a l t o g e t h e r m o r e d r a m a t i c affair was w h e n the w a t e r in a tank o n floor eight of the M e c h . E n g . d e p a r t m e n t m a d e a n escape attempt. It appears that the water p r e f e r r e d l y i n g a r o u n d o n floor s e v e n , or e v e n better, the basement. T o r e a c h this N i r v a n a of w a t e r d o m it took a short cut d o w n the m a i n p o w e r ducts, s h o r t i n g out the d e p a r t m e n t in the process. College T y r a n n y T h e C o l l e g e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n has b e e n r e l a t i v e l y b e n e v o l e n t this t e r m — b y b e n e v o l e n c e I m e a n the l a c k of m a l e v o l e n c e rather t h a n a n y t h i n g m o r e active. T h e R e c t o r , Sir E r i c A s h , has b e e n o n r e c o r d s a y i n g that there is not e n o u g h k n o w l e d g e of maths o n courses. H e p a r t i c u l a r l y w a n t s to l e n g t h e n e n g i n e e r i n g courses to e n c o m p a s s m o r e maths. E n g i n e e r s a l r e a d y say that if there is a n y m o r e maths i n their courses they m i g h t as w e l l call it an a p p l i e d m a t h e m a t i c s degree.
The fall and rise of Reggie the lion A n e v e n b i g g e r b l o o p e r w a s the £ 5 , 5 0 0 lost due to m a l a d m i n i s t r a t i o n b o t h in the U n i o n a n d the C o l l e g e o v e r the ' b i g g i g ' w h i c h was s u p p o s e d to h a v e b e e n h e l d i n the m a r q u e e t h e w e e k e n d afterwards. In the event, the m a r q u e e w a s n ' t used, a bar e x t e n s i o n wasn't g i v e n because the a p p l i c a t i o n r e a c h e d R o b N o r t h e y too late, a b a n d p u l l e d out a n d p u b l i c i t y was p o o r . T h e o r i g i n a l ticket p r i c e w a s £ 7 but so few p e o p l e h a d bought t h e m that after repeated d e v a l u a t i o n the tickets w e r e g i v e n out free. E v e n so, o n l y 350 p e o p l e attended. The Union General Meeting confirmed that the student b o d y found the p r o p o s e d changes to the C o l l e g e d a y u n a c c e p t a b l e . T h e concensus of o p i n i o n s e e m e d to be that the present a r r a n g e m e n t w a s not ideal—the C o l l e g e is o n e s e e t h i n g mass of h u m a n i t y at l u n c h t i m e s — b u t the p r o p o s a l w o u l d entail serious transport p r o b l e m s a m o n g s t o t h e r things.
m a g n e t o m e t e r h a d g o n e before. T h e y also sent up a solar particle detector o n the ' U l y s s e s ' m i s s i o n . T h e m a c h i n e s w e r e t u r n e d o n i n late O c t o b e r a n d are n o w
Felix: psychopathic non-sabbatical editor elected p i o n e e r i n g the frontiers of s c i e n c e in
Important o r Self-Important V i s i t o r s T h i s v e n e r a b l e institution has r e c e i v e d visits from the C o n s e r v a t i v e Party's l e a d i n g a d v o c a t e for family p l a n n i n g , C e c i l P a r k i n s o n , a n d fa rm e rs' friend E d w i n a C u r r i e , c o u r t e s y of C o n S o c . W e ' v e also h a d s o m e decent people—the i m m u n o l o g i s t a n d poet D r M i r o s l a v H o l u b
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T h e g r o s s l y u n p l e a s a n t o v e r c r o w d i n g of the C o l l e g e has led to a p r o p o s a l to l e n g t h e n the C o l l e g e d a y — w i t h the same contact hours—releasing the pressure of t i m e t a b l i n g a n d r o o m s . T h e r e has b e e n o p p o s i t i o n to this from students w h o say t h e y c a n n o t r e a c h the C o l l e g e that e a r l y , or t h e y w i l l miss H a l l m e a l s c o m i n g b a c k that late. T h e r e is also the suspicion that departments w i l l c r a m the n e w l y m a d e space w i t h e v e n m o r e w o r k .
deep space. Fire and Flood T w o fires r e a c h e d the pages of F E L I X — o n e in W e e k s H a l l due to a k a m i k a z e w a l l heater w h i c h m a d e a h e l l of a mess in the r o o m w h e r e it c o m m i t t e d suicide. T h e other fire w a s in B e r n a r d S u n l e y H a l l
Conclusion Not m u c h is g o i n g o n in this particular c o r n e r of the G r o v e s of A c a d e m e at the m o m e n t in c o m p a r i s o n w i t h the giant m a c h i n a t i o n s that c l i c k the w o r l d e v e r closer to disaster e l s e w h e r e . W h a t w e n e e d is a g o o d s c a n d a l — C o l l e g e is altogether t o o dull.
Clubs and
Sports... SPORT
Wine
The RCC Tasting Needs You L a d i e s a n d G e n t l e m e n , 1 w o u l d l i k e to i n t r o d u c e the great R e c r e a t i o n a l C l u b s C o m m i t t e e b o n a n z a . T h e failure of a n y o n e to a d m i t their e x i s t e n c e m e a n s that 1 a m a b l e to a n n o u n c e v a c a n c i e s for C h a i r p e o p l e of the f o l l o w i n g clubs: Computer Graphics Society Debating Society Graffitti S o c i e t y T h e s e clubs h a v e U n i o n grants a n d assets a v a i l a b l e to s u p p o r t their o p e r a t i o n . If y o u w i s h to t a k e o n the duties of C h a i r p e r s o n , t h e n please c o n t a c t me—I c a n give y o u details of w h a t is o n offer. T h e best t i m e to find m e is at the R C C T r e a s u r e r s ' M e e t i n g , in the U n i o n S e n i o r C o m m o n R o o m , 12.30 to 13.00 e v e r y Wednesday. A l l I w i l l ask is that y o u w r i t e an article for F E L I X to i n t r o d u c e y o u r s e l f to p o t e n t i a l m e m b e r s a n d i n v i t e t h e m to attend a start-up m e e t i n g . F u n d s for a d d i t i o n a l p u b l i c i t y m a y be p r o v i d e d b y the R C C . If y o u c a n h o l d c o m m i t t e e post , elections a n d collect subscriptions f r o m 16 p e o p l e , the c l u b grant w i l l be released. So then, b u d d i n g recreationalists, get organised and collar me. F i n a l l y , if y o u t h i n k y o u are r u n n i n g a n y of the a b o v e clubs, y o u better h a v e a g o o d r e a s o n for i g n o r i n g the p r o c e d u r e s that the U n i o n has for h e l p i n g its m e m b e r s . See m e s o o n or y o u m a y lose c o n t r o l of y o u r club. C l i v e D o d i m e a d , R C C C h a i r m a n , 90-91
Third World First T h i r d W o r l d First started late in the t e r m but is n o w a fully f u n c t i o n i n g society m e e t i n g o n F r i d a y s at 12.45 i n Southside U p p e r L o u n g e . T h e a i m of 3 W 1 is to increase a w a r e n e s s in t h i r d w o r l d issues b y e d u c a t i o n a n d d i s c u s s i o n . F o r this year's c a m p a i g n w e h a v e c h o s e n the T h i r d W o r l d D e b t Crisis a n d w i l l organise debates, talks a n d social e v e n t s u n d e r this t h e m e . A n y o n e w h o w i s h e s to take part or b e c o m e a g r o u p m e m b e r is w e l c o m e to c o m e a l o n g a n y F r i d a y .
T h e s o c i e t y is h o l d i n g an e x t e n s i v e r a n g e of tastings this y e a r . So far this t e r m w e h a v e tasted w i n e s from O d d b i n s , W i z a r d Wine, Australia, Germany, Bulgaria, F r a n c e a n d Italy. T h e w i n e s h a v e r a n g e d f r o m e x p e n s i v e A u s t r a l i a n boutique w i n e s to the e x c e l l e n t a n d c he ap B u l g a r i a n s . Y o u don't n e e d to be a m e m b e r to c o m e , a l t h o u g h m e m b e r s get a £ 1 discount a n d a free b o o k o n w i n e . So if y o u are interested in w i n e c o m e a l o n g a n d find out m o r e .
Ski Last S a t u r d a y T r a w s f y n y d d , N o r t h W a l e s , w a s the v e n u e for the 1990 E n g l a n d a n d W a l e s U n i v e r s i t i e s S k i C o u n c i l d r y ski slope c h a m p i o n s h i p s , a n d so a t e a m f r o m IC S k i C l u b w e n t up to c o m p e t e . F r i d a y night, after a tour of L o n d o n that w o u l d please a n y A m e r i c a n tourist, K i e r a , our driver, arrived with Daddy's meaty drivin' m a c h i n e . In piles the five t e a m m e m b e r s plus e q u i p m e n t , clothes, stoves etc, together w i t h t w o U C L r a c e r s to m a k e it c o s y , a n d at 21.30 w e left for W a l e s . W e t h e n w e n t to R e a d i n g for an hour's coffee b r e a k a n d to p i c k up a Spitfire, r e n o w n e d for its air c o n d i t i o n i n g . T h e wet a n d c o l d j o u r n e y t u r n e d into a d r i v e t h r o u g h b l i z z a r d s across the f r o z e n wastes of N o r t h W a l e s until at 03.30 w e w e r e s o m e w h e r e n e a r our d e s t i n a t i o n . W e s o o n realised that not a lot was o p e n , so w e d r o v e into the the nearest w o o d s so K i e r a c o u l d p r a c t i c e for the L o m b a r d R A C r a l l y . W e w e r e j o i n e d at the s k i slope, w h e r e w e w e r e j o i n e d b y about 130 other racers w h o h a d h a d a g o o d night. Still freezing c o l d a n d wet, the first i n d i v i d u a l s l a l o m course was set a n d the r a c i n g got u n d e r w a y as it started to s n o w a g a i n . T h e s e c o n d r u n of the i n d i v i d u a l was r u n i n r e v e r s e t i m e o r d e r a n d P h i l W i c k e n s of IC took 3rd o v e r a l l . F o r the t e a m event teams of five f r o m e a c h U n i v e r s i t y competed in a relay. H o w e v e r , M a n c h e s t e r m a d e us a bit n e r v o u s , w e w e j o i n e d forces w i t h U C L to f o r m three U L U m e g a t e a m s . L o n d o n C w e n t into a c t i o n , but b e c a u s e o n e of t h e m hadn't w a x e d his h e a d , t h e y w e r e defeated a n d c o n f i n e d to the bar—it was not all up to L o n d o n A a n d B . L e t t i n g n o t h i n g stand i n their paths, t h e y flattened all their w a y until c o n f r o n t e d b y the M a n c h e s t e r t e a m . T h e semi-finals saw defeat for L o n d o n B into b r o n z e but L o n d o n A fended off M a n c h e s t e r in the final to c l a i m g o l d . W e c o u l d all ;:ow j o i n L o n d o n C in the bar.
Fencing UAU Preliminary Round IC-24 Kent-3 IC-23 Surrey-4 F o l l o w i n g last year's o v e r a l l v i c t o r y the U A U t o u r n a m e n t , e x p e c t a t i o n s of a g o o d result r e c e i v e d s o m e justifications as IC t r o u n c e d b o t h K e n t a n d S u r r e y in the P r e l i m i n a r y R o u n d s . T h e t e a m has a l m o s t e n t i r e l y c h a n g e d from last year. W e arrived bleary eyed and tired, o n l y to be told that w e w o u l d h a v e to w a i t for t w o hours a n d that the o r g a n i s e r s w e r e c h a r g i n g a £ 2 2 . 5 0 e n t r y fee to c o v e r the cost of the sports hall. W e q u e r i e d this strange p r o c e d u r e , since IC h e l d the p r e l i m i n a r y r o u n d last y e a r free o r charge, a n d w e r e f i r m l y t o l d w h a t to do. T h e foil t e a m o p e n e d our a c c o u n t w i t h a so l id 9-0 v i c t o r y o v e r S u r r e y . S i m o n Leight, R o b e r t P l u i m a n d T o m H o w a r d l o o k e d in c o n t r o l t h r o u g h o u t their bouts. This c h a n g e d s o m e w h a t in the f o l l o w i n g m a t c h against K e n t w h e n b o t h S i m o n a n d Robert found the K e n t 'secret w e a p o n ' s u r p r i s i n g l y difficult. D e s p i t e the i n e x p e r i e n c e d p r e s i d i n g b o u t h of t h e m m a n a g e d to w i n in the e n d g i v i n g IC a n o t h e r 9-0 w i n . B y this t i m e the epeeists w e r e k e e n to start but had to w a i t as the s a b r e got u n d e r w a y . N o n e of the sabre t e a m s p e c i a l i s ed i n sabre. H o w e v e r , S i m o n , o n e of the foil s q u a d , Christ Q u e k a n d Justin M e l l o r are f e n c e d w e l l to g i v e IC an u n b e a t a b l e s c o r e against S u r r e y . Chris a n d Justin t h e n r e s u m e d the use of their f a v o u r e d w e a p o n : the e p e e a n d j o i n e d Christ H u c h o n in the epee to give IC a final tally of 23 v i c t o r i e s to 4 losses. T h e d a y was w e a r i n g o n a n d Justin h a d to go e a r l y after f e n c i n g all t h r e e of his sabre bouts c o n s e c u t i v e l y . In a m o m e n t of p u r e genius, he l o o k e d at his o p p o n e n t attack h i m feebly i n the w r o n g line, said ' y o u must be j o k i n g ' in a c l e a r l o u d v o i c e a n d was i m m e d i a t e l y hit b y a c l e a n c o n c i s e r e n e w a l of attack. E v e r y o n e c r a c k e d up. J u s t i n was u n d a u n t e d a n d w o n a l l three of his fights. F i n a l l y the d a y d r e w to a close w i t h our epee t e a m w i n n i n g a g a i n . S p e c i a l c o n g r a t u l a t i o n s must go to R o b e r t , T o m a n d Chris w h o s u r v i v e d the d a y w i t h o u t losing a fight.
33
Football
Ladies' Football Dribblers—2
Others—0
Charing X 2nds—2IC 4ths-4 T h e 4ths got b a c k to their w i n n i n g w a y s w i t h an easy v i c t o r y o v e r the b o t t o m p l a c e d t e a m . A f t e r m i s s i n g s e v e r a l great c h a n c e s as u s u a l , K e v M c C a n n l a t c h e d o n to a perfect t h r o u g h b a l l a n d gracefully l o b b e d the k e e p e r to o p e n the s c o r i n g . S e v e r a l m o r e great c h a n c e s w e r e missed a n d so IC b e g a n the s e c o n d half feeling frustrated. T h i n g s t h e n b e g a n to get silly as the opposition actually equalised and even started p l a y i n g better, but IC r e s p o n d e d i m m e d i a t e l y w i t h a superb m o v e w h e n a fine r u n a n d cross b y D a r r e n w a s w e l l finished b y L e e D a v i s . W i t h about ten m i n u t e s left, a g o a l m o u t h s c r a m b l e l e d to o n e of their p l a y e r s g e n e r o u s l y s l i c i n g the ball into his o w n net, but then, m o m e n t s later, most of o u r p l a y e r s g e n e r o u s l y let t h e m p r a n c e up the p i t c h a n d slice it into our net. A t last the g a m e w a s m a d e safe w h e n , i n a n e x c e l l e n t build-up, J o h n Mottashed brilliantly headed home an i m s p i r e d cross from D a m o n T h o m a s .
T h e t r i u m p h a n t D r i b b l e r s reasserted t h e m s e l v e s as the best pissheads i n the league by w i n n i n g 2 b o a t r a c e s in short succession. B o t h L o n d o n H o s p i t a l ' s football t e a m a n d L i v e r p o o l h o c k e y t e a m w e r e devast at ed b y the a w e s o m e d r i n k i n g p o w e r of the m i g h t y D r i b b l e r s . T h e s e super v i c t o r i e s w e r e a i d e d b y the absence of G e r t , the usual h a n d i c a p of the t e a m . M u c h of these v i c t o r i e s c a n be attributed to the p r e s e n c e of o l d ha nds (notably the star keeper). N i n a G a s c o i g n e was h e a r d to say later: ' A H I h a v e to say is shit'—that t r e m e n d o u s c r e a t u r e of a girl (the V i k i n g ) is o n e huge bitch!!!' In a c c o r d a n c e w i t h o l d times, the D r i b b l e r s , forfeited their l e a d i n g role i n the l e a v e table (it w a s getting a bit boring) to lose 2-3 to the L o n d o n L e o p a r d s . (None of w h i c h w a s the fault of the a m a z i n g g o a l k e e p e r E m m a 'She must be r e l a t e d to B i l l y the F i s h ' S i m p s o n . N i n a G a s c o i g n e w o u l d like to finish off b y e x t e n d i n g a w a r m thanks to P e r m i a n d D e b b i e for a s s i g n i n g her t o the V i k i n g the entire f * * * i n g game.
Men's Basketball IC-66
Middlesex Poly-61
O n W e d n e s d a y 21 N o v e m b e r IC M e n ' s B a s k e t b a l l T e a m p l a y e d t h e i r first g a m e of the L o n d o n C o l l e g e ' s L e a g u e against Middlesex Polytechnic. After much difficulty in a r r a n g i n g the fixture, IC a g r e e d to p l a y at T r e n t P a r k , forfeiting their right to a h o m e g a m e . After a s h a k e y start, IC c a l l e d a timeout minutes f r o m the e n d of the first half. T h e y w e r e fourteen points b e h i n d a n d n e e d e d to r a l l y the flagging troops. B r a d set t h e m the a c h i e v a b l e g o a l of p u l l i n g b a c k four points b y half-time. T h e t e a m m a n a g e d this a n d the scores stood at 20-30 w h e n t h e y started b a c k onto the court for the s e c o n d half. A b r a v e a n d slick p e r f o r m a n c e a l l o w e d IC to d r a w 53-53 w h e n t i m e was c a l l e d . G o o d defensive p l a y h a d r e d u c e d M i d d l e s e x ' s s c o r i n g a n d c l e v e r offense had frustrated a t e a m w h i c h saw easy v i c t o r y slip a w a y from them. T h e first five minutes of e x t r a time failed to d e c i d e the g a m e . M i d d l e s e x p l a y e d w e l l but a w e l l - t i m e d three p o i n t er f r o m M a r i o s e n a b l e d IC to h o l d t h e m 60-60. M a r i o s o p e n e d a further p e r i o d of e x t r a t i m e b y s i n k i n g a n o t h e r e x c e l l e n t three p o i n t e r for IC. M i d d l e s e x w e r e unable to r e c o v e r their c o m p o s u r e a n d failed to score a g a i n in o p e n play. A t 66-61 the h o r n s o u n d e d for the last t i m e .
Sailing IC vs Brunei & City Univs. After a late (?) start o n S a t u r d a y m o r n i n g a n d w i t h m o r e t h a n our n o r m a l q u o t a of t e a m m e m b e r s our t e a m set off to Q u e e n M a r y R e s e r v o i r , h o m e of C i t y U n i v e r s i t y Sailing C l u b . Despite c e r t a i n delays o n the w a y the IC t e a m a r r i v e d w e l l before o u r hosts a n d w e r e forced to w a i t i n the bar. F i n a l l y City a n d B r u n e i t u r n e d up a n d w e set about sailing a few races, a l t h o u g h some w i n d w o u l d have b e e n helpful. Despite s o m e terrible starting a n d u n f a m i l i a r boats the first r a c e against B r u n e i was v e r y close ( n o r m a l l y B r u n e i are out of sight) IC losing b y A point. T h e s e c o n d r a c e was close but unfortunately not close e n o u g h . A g a i n s t C i t y , h o w e v e r , the IC boats d o m i n a t e d f r o m the start c r u i s i n g to a 1st, 2 n d a n d 4 t h v i c t o r y in the first race a n d in the s e c o n d IC p u l l e d t h r o u g h a g a i n to w i n the 1st, 3rd a n d 5 t h g i v i n g a few penalties (Green's) o n the w a y . 3
F i n a l Result IC vs C i t y IC-6 /4 C i t y - 1 4 IC—11 C i t y - 1 4 IC vs B r u n e i IC—12% B r u n e i - 1 2 IC—12 B r u n e l - 7 / 4 :l
3
Yacht 30 to 40 k n o t s of w i n d a n d h i g h seas o n the S o u t h coast the w e e k e n d of 2 4 t h a n d 2 5 t h N o v e m b e r , ideal c o n d i t i o n s for the First Class E u r o p e c h a r t e r e d b y IC Y a c h t C l u b for the H a m b l e W i n t e r Series. After a few r o u g h w e e k e n d s our boat, Not Us, w a s finally set to a c h i e v e g o o d results. First o n the w a t e r (in our class, 8th out of 130 overall), t a k i n g the w i n n e r ' s g u n , but s e c o n d o n h a n d i c a p p , surfing w i t h speeds up to 151/2 knots o n a r e a c h , this 37-foot u l t r a fast d i s p l a c e m e n t boat left m a n y one-tonners l o o k i n g v e r y s l o w a n d t h r e a t e n e d the two-tonners. C o n t i n u e d so l i d p e r f o r m a n c e w i l l give a g o o d o v e r a l l standing.
Cross Country P r i m e d a n d b u o y e d b y s o m e recent m u r d e r o u s hill t r a i n i n g , IC dealt a m o r t a l b l o w to the hope's of L o n d o n ' s less p i t h y colleges w i t h a n o t h e r a d m i r a b l e display of athletic e n d e a v o u r o n the desolate wastelands of W i m b l e d o n C o m m o n . Indeed w e w i t n e s s e d a n historic m o m e n t as I m p e r i a l r u n n e r s c l a i m e d i n d i v i d u a l g l o r y in b o t h men's a n d w o m e n ' s r a c e s . A s her long-time leader s u c c u m b e d to the strenuous c h a l l e n g e of the final hills, E d w i g e Pitel ousted her c o m p e t i t o r in the final stretch. She thus b e c a m e the first w o m a n f r o m this c o l l e g e e v e r to w i n a league race: a t r u l y a w e s o m e a c h i e v e m e n t . In the men's event, a frantic e a r l y pace b a c k f i r e d o n the leaders, a n d in t h i r d p l a c e w i t h less than a m i l e left, P a u l N o r t h r o p cut a sad a n d disconsolate figure. Y e t his r e k n o w n e d w a r r i o r spirit resurfaced, a n d w i t h a final g u t - w r e n c h i n g effort he caught his r i v a ls o n the line, to e x t e n d his w i n n i n g streak o n a photofinish. After s h o w i n g w e l l e a r l y o n F r a n k D u d b r i d g e let the better m e n go, content to equal his highest p l a c i n g of fifth, w h i l e B i l l Skai l es finally s h o w e d a m o d i c u m of c o m p e t e n c e t o m a k e 17th. W i t h C a r l E d w a r d s 3 8 t h , there was a three-way battle for the final first-team place. J i m W a t s o n (52nd) got the better of D a v e Budgett right at the e n d , w i t h D u n x O ' D e l l w o r s e for w e a r after an a l t e r c a t i o n w i t h a tube t i c k e t gate, i m p r o v i n g to 59th. W e h a v e finished the first half of the season w i t h a c o m f o r t a b l e 100 point m a r g i n o v e r the nearest pretenders.
Football IC II—2 St Georges—3 11 D r a g o n s r e q u i r e d , a p p l y IC 2 n d C a p t a i n ! IC spent the first fifteen m i n u t e s totally o u t p l a y i n g St G e o r g e s . That's h o w l o n g it took St G e o r g e s to realise that the referee was 'soft' a n d i n e x p e r i e n c e d a n d that t h e y c o u l d get a w a y w i t h m u r d e r . So t h e y spent the n e x t 45 m i n u t e s k i c k i n g IC out of the g a m e . T h e y also t r i e d in the last half h o u r but l a r g e l y failed as IC t o o k the ' f o o t b a l l i n g piss' as s o m e s e m b l a n c e of c a l m h a d b e e n r e s t o r e d b y the p r e s e n c e of St J o h n ' s A m b u l a n c e m e n o n the t o u c h l i n e . St G e o r g e ' s c y n i c a l l y professional g a m e gave t h e m a l e a d b y i n t i m i d a t i o n a n d IC a v e r y i n j u r e d g o a l k e e p e r . T w o e x c e l l e n t goals b y M A b d o w e r e s a d l y not e n o u g h . IC w i l l easily outclass t h e m i n the r e t u r n but w e n e e d a h a r d m a n to g i v e t h e g a m e a ' c a l m i n g ' i n f l u e n c e to a l l o w us to p l a y o n e q u a l terms. A l l w e l c o m e ! !
Water Polo ULU League O n Wednesday 28th N o v e m b e r Imperial C o l l e g e p l a y e d a v e r y close a n d e x c i t i n g friendly against the m o r e e x p e r i e n c e d C h a r i n g Cross squad. D e s p i t e losing 8-9 o u r t e a m p l a y e d w e l l , b e g i n n i n g to s h o w the fruits of t h e recent t r a i n i n g programme. T h e U A U qualifiers are o n D e c e m b e r 8 a n d w e s h o u l d w i n t h r o u g h to the finals. W e h a v e t w o m o r e friendly games, o n D e c e m b e r 2 a n d 6 against C a m b r i d g e a n d the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n to p r e p a r e for the C h a m p i o n s h i p s . F o r those w h o are interested w e s w i m from 6.30pm o n M o n d a y s a n d F r i d a y s a n d m o r e s w i m m e r s are a l w a y s w e l c o m e . W e p l a y w a t e r p o l o t h r o u g h o u t the y e a r in the M i d d l e s e x L e a g u e .
Hockey UAU Hockey LSE-0
IC-1
T h e w h o l e t e a m k n e w the i m p o r t a n c e of this m a t c h w i t h r e g a r d to life i n the U A U . A w i n was the o n l y result that w o u l d a l l o w IC to p r o c e e d to the n e x t stage of the c o m p e t i t i o n . W i t h this in m i n d , IC w e n t h a r d at L S E i n the first few minutes, usi ng s u c h score-tactics as u n d e r c u t t i n g the b a l l at t h e i r opposite n u m b e r s . S o m e g o o d m i d f i e l d p l a y e n a b l e d IC to o p e n up m a n y gaps, but a m i x t u r e of b a d luck a n d a w o r s e p i t c h a l l o w e d L S E off the h o o k a n d at half t i m e the score was 0-0. R e a l i s i n g that t h e y w e r e n e v e r t h e l e s s the better t e a m , I m p e r i a l c o n t i n u e d w h e r e t h e y had left off, L a v e r c o m b e a n d G r e e n w o o d p r e t t y m u c h u n t r o u b l e d at the b a c k , a l l o w i n g m o r e a n d m o r e p e n e t r a t i o n up front as IC p i l e d o n the pressure. B u t t h e n disaster struck a n d a, yet to be i d e n t i f i e d , p e r s o n c o n c e d e d a p e n a l t y s t r i k e . T h i s p r o v e d to be k e e p e r Steve D o d s o n ' s o n l y test of the day, a n d faced w i t h his first strike of the season, he m a n a g e d to psych-out the taker, forcing h i m to p u s h it w i d e . T h i s s u d d e n s h o c k jolted I m p e r i a l into a higher gear, a n d almost i m m e d i a t e l y t h e y g a i n e d a short c o r n e r . P o r t s m o u t h p u s h e d out, G r e e n w o o d s t o p p e d a n d L a n d o n struck h o m e after his first shot r e b o u n d e d off the k e e p e r . 1-0 up, I m p e r i a l h e l d o n for the last 15 m i n u t e s , w i t h b o t h M a r s h a l l a n d W r i g h t g o i n g close. IC qualify for the play-off stage.
LSE 2nds-0 IC 2nds-8 W e d n e s d a y 2 8 t h N o v e m b e r s a w the r e t u r n to f o r m of the IC 2 n d s as t h e y s h o w e d that t h e y h a d p e r h a p s the best c h a n c e i n the U A U of a n y of the IC teams, w i t h the a n n i h i l a t i o n of an L S E t e a m , p r e v i o u s l y o n l y beaten b y a m a r g i n of just t w o goals b y the o t h e r teams i n the g r o u p . W i t h just a few minutes gone, IC t o o k the l e a d w i t h a w e l l t i m e d goal from Ian M c G o v e r n . T h i s led to a t e a m spirit, p r e v i o u s l y u n s e e n this season, that p i l e d o n the pressure against L S E w h o n e v e r l o o k e d l i k e s c o r i n g t h r o u g h o u t the w h o l e game! Short c o r n e r after short c o r n e r w e r e a w a r d e d to IC b y our u m p i r e , but to no a v a i l u n t i l Ian a n d J o h n B l a n s h a r d realised that a pass to the right w a s i n o r d e r for D a v e M i l l a r d to p o w e r i n his s e c o n d g o a l of the season. M o r e pressure led to a n o t h e r short c o r n e r , a c t u a l l y struck o n target b y J o h n a n d getting a crafty d e f l e c t i o n o n the w a y to m a k e it 3-0 to IC g o i n g into half t i m e . Not e v e n the d i g g i n g up of the p i t c h b y the L S E farmers c o u l d stop the onslaught f r o m getting w o r s e in the s e c o n d half as D o m H o w e s t e p p e d up a gear to put a n o t h e r g o a l i n . T h e n c a m e goals galore ' as m a n y a s c r a m b l e i n the L S E c i r c l e l e d to Ian a n d D o m getting t h e i r s e c o n d a n d M a Nog Tseung scoring with a p a r t i c u l a r l y b a d square cut into their g o a l . J o h n C h u r c h p o p p e d up (again) to get his 8th of the season, a n d t h e r e wasn't t i m e e n o u g h to m a k e it m o r e t h a n 8-0. N o w the s e c o n d s face a r e a l l y l o n g r o a d trip to R e a d i n g for the n e x t r o u n d .
IC VI-6
KCH3-1
IC 6ths faced the o n l y o t h e r u n b e a t e n side i n their d i v i s i o n o n S a t u r d a y but w e r e n e a r l y beaten b y the j o u r n e y before e v e n r e a c h i n g the g r o u n d . T w o trains, a tube a n d a b u s w e r e n e e d e d as the c a p t a i n d i d his best to get the w h o l e t e a m lost. O n a r r i v i n g at the g r o u n d t h e y found a side of giants but u n d e t e r r e d A n d y B r i s c o e a n d D a v e Phillips s o o n got stuck into s o m e fierce tackles. IC p l a y e d w e l l in the h a r d fought o p e n i n g stages a n d the i n e v i t a b l e first g o a l c a m e f r o m K e i t h C o r d e i r o b a m b o o z l i n g the o p p o s i t i o n w i t h his l i g h t e n i n g pace. A k i o Iwase m a d e it 2-0 to IC w h i l e K C H , w h o battled w e l l in midfield, w e r e a l l o w e d few chances b y the IC defence. T w o s u p e r b goals by A n d r e w S t a n n i l a n d (who s u r p r i s e d himself, not to m e n t i o n the rest of the team) a n d a n o t h e r e a c h from K e i t h a n d A k i o left K C H d e a d a n d b u r r i e d . A single consolation goal was all they could m a n a g e a n d so the 6ths go s t o r m i n g o n w i t h a little h e l p from s p e c i a l guest Rakesh Muthoo.
Hockey IC 3rds-2 IC 2nds—4 Late on Saturday 24th N o v e m b e r afternoon, the t w o most successful h o c k e y t e a m s at IC m a r c h e d out for the grudge m a t c h of the y e a r , b o t h t e a ms c e r t a i n of v i c t o r y . A b o u t 30 s e c o n d s f r o m the start, D o m H o w a r d of the 2nds found himself in space, a n d put a w a y the first g o a l of the game. T h e 3rds i m m e d i a t e l y r a l l i e d a n d equalised w i t h a g o o d goal f o r m N i c Parfitt. T h e b a l l t h e n s t a y e d n e a r the 2nds g o a l for the rest of the half, w i t h Steve H a m i l t o n t a k i n g the s c o r e to 2-1 to the 3rds. A m a j o r b l o w to the 3rds w a s the loss of G a r y D e S o n z a after 20 minutes w i t h a fractured a n k l e . T h e s e c o n d half s a w the 2nds t a k i n g full a d v a n t a g e of the e x t r a space, Ian M c G o v e r n putting a w a y a good goal, s h o r t l y after the re-start. S a d l y , Justin H o l d s w o r t h c o l l i d e d w i t h a r a i s e d stick a n d spent about 10 m i n u t e s h a v i n g a cut eye c h e c k e d . N o w t w o p l a y e r s d o w n , the 3rds w e r e u n d e r pressure, a n d M c G o v e r n e x p l o i t e d the s i t u a t i o n b y s n e a k i n g o n e i n for the lead. T h e final b l o w w a s a superb M i l l a r d score d u r i n g a t e m p o r a r y c o l l a p s e of the 3rds e x c e l l e n t defence.
The facts of life: how each week's baby is produced. By Roland Flowerdew. FELIX
Felix on
Felix advertisements, providing more m o n e y t o w a r d s y o u r issue. T h e r e v i e w s t e a m is a l a r g e a n d d e d i c a t e d g r o u p of p e o p l e (they c o u l d a l w a y s do w i t h a few m o r e ) , c o v e r i n g a w i d e range of interests. A l t h o u g h the r e v i e w s side of F e l i x is often criticised a n d a c c u s e d of m e r e l y c o p y i n g r e v i e w s from other m a g a z i n e s this is N O T T R U E all film r e v i e w s are of the p r e v i e w s h o w i n g s p e c i a l l y for critics. T h i s t e r m , for e x a m p l e , w e h a v e r e v i e w e d 6 2 . 5 % of all U K film releases d u r i n g the t e r m .
News in action; the stories unfold F e l i x , u n l i k e c e r t a i n other student p u b l i c a t i o n s , is not p r o d u c e d b y three hacks a n d a p h o t o c o p i e r , n o r is it w r i t t e n i n t e r n a l l y t h e n g i v e n to a c o m m e r c i a l n e w s p a p e r p r i n t e r to p u b l i s h . F e l i x is w r i t t e n , typeset, pasted-up, p r i n t e d a n d c o l l a t e d e n t i r e l y in house. A b o u t the o n l y t i m e w h e n e x t e r n a l p r i n t i n g is n e e d e d is either in a n e m e r g e n c y (the press b r e a k s d o w n ) o r w h e n full c o l o u r is r e q u i r e d . T h r e e full-time staff are e m p l o y e d to p r o d u c e F e l i x , a l t h o u g h this is not the o n l y t h i n g they do: the p r i n t unit is used b y other p u b l i c a t i o n s , g e n e r a t i n g r e v e n u e that subsidises y o u r issue. T w o of the staff are p e r m a n e n t (the typesetter a n d the printer) w h i l e the t h i r d , the editor, is elected e v e r y y e a r o n the same basis as the other sabbaticals. T h i s y e a r the situation is sl i g h t ly different because w e h a v e a print unit m a n a g e r , a n d a n o n s a b b a t i c al editor. T h e rest of the F e l i x staff are students f r o m all o v e r c o l l e g e , a n d w e are a l w a y s h u n g r y for m o r e . W h y do these p e o p l e d e v o t e a lot of their t i m e to d o i n g w o r k o v e r a n d a b o v e their courses? T h e best w a y to find out is to c o m e a n d see for yourself: if y o u h a v e a n y interest in p h o t o g r a p h y , w r i t i n g , s e e i n g films o r theatre, r e v i e w i n g r e c o r d s , i n t e r v i e w i n g 'famous' p e o p l e , d i g g i n g up the latest scandals, d r i n k i n g coffee, all a b s o l u t e l y free, c o m e to F e l i x . T h e o n l y c a t c h is y o u w i l l be e x p e c t e d to w r i t e s o m e t h i n g . . . T h e r e are six stages that a n y article p r i n t e d in F e l i x goes t h r o u g h : p l a n n i n g , w r i t i n g a n d p h o t o g r a p h i n g , typesetting, pasting-up, p r i n t i n g , a n d c o l l a t i n g . Most of these stages r u n c o n c u r r e n t l y : a c o m m o n m i s c o n c e p t i o n is that s o m e t h i n g the size of F e l i x c a n b e p r o d u c e d o v e r n i g h t o n o n e press. A t w e n t y page issue consists of
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ten sides of A 3 paper. T h e front c o v e r is in t w o c o l o u r s , so needs to be fed t h r o u g h the press t w i c e . A r o u n d 4000 copies are p r i n t e d , thus a t o t a l of 44,000 sides of A 3 must be p r i n t e d . T h e initial p l a n n i n g for a n e d i t i o n of F e l i x takes p l a c e s e v e r a l w e e k s i n a d v a n c e . V a r i o u s press officers are contacted, a n d r e v i e w tickets for theatre a n d c i n e m a a n d r e v i e w c o p i e s of b o o k s a n d re c ords requested. (Note: r e v i e w e r s are often a l l o w e d to k e e p w h a t they r e v i e w . ) Ideas for features are b e g i n n i n g to g e r m i n a t e , a n d press releases c o m e r o l l i n g i n . Pages are b o o k e d for
R e v i e w s split into t w o m a i n sections, m u si c (non-classical) a n d arts (ie e v e r y t h i n g that m u s i c does not c o v e r ) . B o t h sections are the r e s p o n s i b i l i t y of a sub-editor, w h o c o o r d i n a t e s w h o goes to see what, a n d is responsible for e n s u r i n g that their pages are r e a d y for p r i n t i n g each week. Features consists of t w o sections, science a n d g e n e r a l . U n l i k e r e v i e w s , features do not h a v e a t e a m of p e o p l e to p r o d u c e t h e m . T h e science features d e p e n d o n c o n t r i b u t i o n s , m a i n l y from e x t e r n a l sources. E s p e c i a l l y w e l c o m e are features o n i n t e r e s t i n g r e s e a r c h at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e . (For those of y o u e n g a g e d in r e s e a r c h , F e l i x is the i d e a l place to present accounts of y o u r w o r k i n the language of l a y m e n . ) G e n e r a l features are usually o n m a t t e rs r e l e v a n t to students, but a n y t h i n g of g e n e r a l interest is acceptable. ( A n y b u d d i n g feature w r i t e r s out there? It l o o k s g o o d o n y o u r CV.) Sections that are p r i m a r i l y w r i t t e n b y y o u are the c l u b s a n d sports pages a n d , of course, the infamous letters pages, the bit most p e o p l e r e a d first. (Feeling like a g o o d o l d rant? W r i t e to F e l i x . ) If y o u
Reproducing artwork on a massive polaroid scale
If FELIX h a v e a g e n u i n e g r i e v a n c e about s o m e t h i n g g o i n g o n , the letters page is a g o o d p l a c e to air it: e v e n the Sherfield desk-pilots r e a d the letters. N o t e that a n o n y m o u s letters w i l l not be p r i n t e d : if y o u do not w a n t y o u r n a m e to appear just state this in y o u r letter or article. F u l l confidentiality is o b s e r v e d . K e e p s e n d i n g the clubs a n d sports articles i n , w i t h , if possible, a c c o m p a n y i n g p h o t o g r a p h s (black & w h i t e o r c o l o u r prints). O t h e r p e o p l e are i n t e r e s t ed i n w h a t y o u do o r h o w y o u get o n , e v e n if they do not h a v e t i m e to b e i n v o l v e d themselves. T h e last s e c t i o n to be w r i t t e n is the n e w s pages, w h i c h are often not r e a d y until 2 . 0 0 a m o n the c o v e r date to ensure y o u get the latest stories. (That is also w h y there a r e so m a n y s p e l l i n g mistakes.) This s e c t i o n is usually the most difficult to do because t h e i n t e r e s t i ng stories are a l w a y s the ones p e o p l e a r e k e e n to k e e p secret. T h e n e x t stage of p r o d u c t i o n is the typesetting. T h i s is w h e r e the text is c o n v e r t e d f r o m h a r d c o p y (ie w h a t y o u h a n d in) into the f o r m that it w i l l appear in F e l i x . In essence, the typesetter is a c r u d e w o r d p r o c e s s o r w i t h a fancy printer attached. T h e c l e v e r bit is this printer: it is a bit l i k e a laser printer, but produc es v e r y h i g h qua l i ty text o n t o p h o t o g r a p h i c paper.
Pasteup; hey wow, this glue smells good!
P h o t o g r a p h s go u n d e r the a r t w o r k camera, w h i c h produces 'bromides', w h i c h are the i m a g e s used i n the paste-up (see later). T h e c a m e r a is w h e r e a r t w o r k can be e n l a r g e d or r e d u c e d i n size, a n d w h e r e p h o t o g r a p h s are dot-screened ( c o n v e r t e d to dots so that g r e y tones c a n be printed). T h e paste-up is w h e r e e v e r y t h i n g c o m e s together. T h e typeset a n d b r o m i d e s are c a r v e d up i n t o little bits, a n d . a r e m a n u a l l y pasted o n t o c a r d . Titles, icons, c a p t i o n s a n d p a g e n u m b e r s are a d d e d , a n d the w h o l e lot is h a n d e d to the p r i n t e r . H e takes the paste-ups to the a r t w o r k c a m e r a . E a c h paste-up is p h o t o g r a p h e d o n t o special paper, that, w h e n fed into the p l a t e - m a k e r, produc es the a l u m i n i u m plates used in the press. (Plates c a r r y i m a g e of the p a g e to be p r i n t e d o n t h e i r surface.)
Collating; the final stage
T h e press, a litho, takes in stacks of paper, a n d (usually) ejects t h e m c o m p l e t e w i t h p r i n t e d i m a g e . (If y o u w a n t to k n o w h o w the t h i n g w o r k s go a n d see the printer.) T h e p r i n t e d p a g e s are f o l d e d (by a m a c h i n e that s o m e t i m e s w o r k s ) a n d are t h e n r e a d y for c o l l a t i n g , w h e r e all the pages are put inside o n e a n o t h e r , to f o r m c o m p l e t e F e l i c e s . T h e c o l l a t i o n is d o n e b y a v a r i e d g r o u p of p e o p l e , a n d is eased b y the free a n d l i b e r a l a p p l i c a t i o n of a l c o h o l to those c o n c e r n e d . . . (Interested? C o m e a n d help p r o d u c e Felix.)
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Scribblers' Corner.. LETTERS
Eager
Dear FELIX, I a m writing with regard to A l a n B a i l e y ' s letter p u b l i s h e d i n y o u r issue of F r i d a y 16 N o v e m b e r . I w a s g l a d to note f r o m t h e response to the a b o v e - m e n t i o n e d letter that 1 wasn't the o n l y p e r s o n a l a r m e d b y the nationalistic a n d racialistic questions i n c o n t a i n e d . H o w e v e r , n o n e of the replies fully c a p t u r e d m y p e r s o n a l feelings t o w a r d s it. A l m o s t e v e r y c o u n t r y i n this w o r l d has a p e r i o d o r aspect of its past of w h i c h it c a n n o t b e p r o u d . J a p a n is o n e s u c h e x a m p l e . B r i t a i n is a n o t h e r . W h a t is i m p o r t a n t h o w e v e r , is the m a n n e r i n w h i c h a n a t i o n e m e r g e s from these d a r k p e r i o d s of its h i s t o r y a n d w h a t it learns f r o m t h e m . T h e J a p a n e s e have r e c o n s t r u c t e d a c u l t u r e d a n d h u m a n e s o c i e t y of w h i c h it m a y be p r o u d . Japan's defence budget o n l y takes u p 1% of its gross d o m e s t i c product—just i m a g i n e t h e vast r e s o u r c e s w h i c h w o u l d b e freed if o t h e r i n d u s t r i a l i s e d nations f o l l o w e d this l e a d . In a d d i t i o n to this, p e r h a p s i n a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t of its w a r guilt, J a p a n has b e c o m e t h e largest s i n g l e a i d d o n o r n a t i o n i n the w o r l d . T h e a t t r a c t i o n of a i d to d e v e l o p i n g countries is that it is free of the ' p o l i t i c a l strings' a t t a c h e d b y other w e s t e r n nations. If it is these a c h i e v e m e n t s that P r i n c e C h a r l e s w a s p a y i n g tribute to at E m p e r o r H i r o h i t o ' s e n t h r o n e m e n t , t h e n so b e it— they d e s e r v e w i d e r r e c o g n i t i o n . T h e P r i n c e 's support for i m p o r t a n t a n d r e l e v a n t causes is most i m p r e s s i v e .
What's O n AN UP-TO-THE-MINUTE GUIDE TO EVENTS IN A N D A R O U N D IMPERIAL COLLEGE
WEDNESDAY Keep Fit 12.30pm Southside Gym. 1.00pm Cycling Training Meet at Beit A r c h . Wargames 1.00pm UDH. All welcome. Micro Club Meeting 1.15pm Top floor NW corner Union Building. Every week. 1.30pm Kung Fu Union Gym. Rowing Club 2.00pm Putney Boathouse. 2.15pm Tenpin Bowling Aero Foyer. Christmas bowl. Shaolin System Nam Pai Chuan 7.00pm v
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Instead of b e a t i n g the b l i n d patriotic d r u m w h i c h w o u l d please B a i l e y e v e n so m u c h , he focuses attention o n t h e r e a l i n a d e q u a c i es of his nation—thereby m a k i n g a c o n c r e t e c o n t r i b u t i o n to the society he l i v e s i n . Indeed, if it is true that for a n a t i o n to i m p r o v e itself it must a c k n o w l e d g e its o w n faults, it e x p l a i n s why J a p a n is w h e r e it is t o d a y (and unfortunately w h r e B r i t a i n i s as well). In C h a r l e s ' support for s a v i n g the t r o p i c a l rainforest he has his w e i g h t b e h i n d a n issue of far g r e a t e r i m p o r t a n c e to m a n k i n d t h a n h o n o u r i n g t h e w a r d e a d who—it must b e r e m e m b e r e d — m a y n e v e r be brought b a c k to life a g a i n . T o a r g u e o t h e r w i s e , s h o w s a n i g n o r a n c e of the r e a l d a n g e r s facing us today. A n d it is not b y s a y i n g h o w ' g l o r i o u s l y ' o u r b o y s w o n the w a r that these p r o b l e m s w i l l go a w a y .
Sorry Bailey. I d o , h o w e v e r , h a v e a n honest w o r d of a d v i c e for B a i l e y . I urge h i m to t r a v e l a bit a r o u n d the w o r l d a n d see h o w other p e o p l e live a n d think. T h i s w i l l : (a) e n a b l e him to put B r i t a i n , o r his p e r c e p t i o n s of Britain, in a proper perspective. That i n c l u d es a p p r e c i a t i n g , b o t h its role as a n i m p e r i a l i s t i c a g g r e s s o r a n d , its c o n t r i b u t i o n to the i n t e l l e c t u a l a n d t e c h n o l o g i c a l d e v e l o p m e n t of m a n . (b) L e t him see w h a t m a k e s u p a n a t i o n a n d a p e o p l e — a n d h o w different that c a n b e from the a m b i t i o n s of a handful of politicians w h o c l a i m to act i n its interest. It is the failure of these p o l i t i c i a n s which we acknowledge every r e m e m b r a n c e day—the w a r d e a d b e i n g their v i c t i m s . Paul Hastings, Aero 2.
Each Dear Chris, I w o u l d like to t a k e this o p p o r t u n i t y to wish A l a n Bailey a very m e r r y Christmas. U n f o r t u n a t e l y B a i l e y w i l l p r o b a b l y not a p p r e c i a t e this as Christ (Son of G o d — a God accepted b y the m a j o r i t y of this planet's p o p u l a t i o n , not just b y B a i l e y a n d s e v e r a l other right w i n g x e n o p h o b i c bigots—have y o u l o o k e d t h e m u p yet?) h a d t w o major 'faults' a c c o r d i n g to B a i l e y ' s w a y of r e c k o n i n g . F i r s t l y the S o n of G o d w a s J e w i s h i.e. not E n g l i s h so probably not a Tory. Secondly H e was p o o r , so a g a i n p r o b a b l y w o u l d n o t h a v e b e e n too e n a m o u r e d w i t h T h a t c h . (Before a n y o n e criticises m y use of past tense I
Southside G y m . Basketball Club Volleyball Court. Women's Team Kung Fu Club Union Gym. W u Shu Kwan.
7.30pm 7.30pm
THURSDAY Fencing Training 11.30am Intermediate & advanced coaching. 11.30am IC Labour Club Recruitment and Registration. JCR. Register to vote in a General Election (Kensington only). Pro-Life Leaflet Stall 12.30pm JCR. Balloon Club Meeting 12.30pm Southside Upper Lounge. YHA Meeting 12.30pm Southside Upper Lounge. Postgrad Lunch 12.30pm Chaplains Office (10 Princes Gardens). See West London Chaplaincy.
a m using a n historic p e r s p e c t i v e — l o o k it up A l a n . ) O v e r a n d a b o v e this, C h r i s t m a s is ' T h e season of g o o d w i l l to a l l m e n ' — A L L M E N b l a c k , w h i t e , y e l l o w , p i n k , g r e e n , straight, gay, C h r i s t i a n , M o s l e m , B u d d h i s t , H i n d u , S h i n t o , agnostic, atheist, a n d y e s e v e n A l a n Bailey. So h a p p y C h r i s t m a s A l a n , I w i s h y o u n o h a r m (you s e e m to b e g o o d e n o u g h at that yourself) but d o t r y t o engage y o u r o b v i o u s l y faulty b r a i n before y o u spout off a n y m o r e x e n o p h o b i c (still not l o o k e d it up?) crap. Yours, Larry O'Brien.
Fencing Training 12.30pm Beginners Training. Fencing Training 1.30pm General. Gliding Club Meeting 1.00pm Aero 266. Come and arrange a trial flight. A l l newcomers welcome. Keep Fit 5.30pm Southside Gym Midweek Service 5.30pm Chaplains Office (10 Prince's Gardens). See West London Chaplaincy. Social Ballroom 6.00pm JCR. Intermediate. Judo 6.30pm Union Gym. Social Ballroom 7.00pm JCR. Beginners. Latin American 8.00pm JCR. Gold medal class.
IPear Sir
LETTERS
Eagle Dear Chris, It is s u r p r i s i n g a s k i n g a r o u n d C o l l e g e h o w few u n d e r g r a d u a t e s at I m p e r i a l seem to h a v e a p p l i e d for a n y e l e c t r i c i t y shares. H e r e a r e three reasons I h a v e h e a r d from three different p e o p l e . i) I c o u l d n ' t b e b o t h e r e d . ii) I don't b e l e i v e the G o v e r n m e n t s h o u l d sell off t h e i n d u s t r y . I a m against the principle. iii) I don't w a n t to risk a n y of m y savings. To which I answered: i) Y o u c o u l d b e b o t h e r e d to w o r k 60 hour w e e k s d u r i n g t h e s u m m e r c l e a n i n g toilets at £ 2 . 9 2 a n h o u r so w h y n o t fill i n this f o r m , attach a £ 1 , 2 0 0 c h e q u e a n d w a i t for an e a r l y x m a s gift of at least £ 1 5 0 a n d all for 15 m i n u t e s w o r k . ii) I a m against t h e p r i n c i p l e , h o w e v e r t h e sell-off w i l l g o a h e a d regardless, besides s u r e l y a m o r e i m p o r t a n t p r i n c i p l e is that b y a p p l y i n g f o r shares y o u w i l l d e n y M r L o a d s a m o n e y i n C h e l s e a of shares. iii) A n y i n v e s t m e n t i n shares i n v o l v e s risk, h o w e v e r if y o u study t h e accounts of the R E C s ( R e g i o n a l E l e c t r i c i t y C o m p a n i e s ) a n d t h e m u l t i t u d e of c i r c u m s t a n c e s b e h i n d this floatation (City Institutions w i t h h i g h l i q u i d i t y ' p r o b l e m s ' etc etc) y o u s o o n b e g i n to realise it is r i s k i e r l e a v i n g y o u r m o n e y i n a b u i l d i n g society. T h e o n l y w a y y o u w i l l lose m o n e y is if W o r l d W a r T h r e e b r e a k s out o n e m i n u t e into official d e a l i n g s i n t h e shares (in w h i c h case there w o u l d b e n o p o i n t h a v i n g m o n e y a n y w a y ) o r if y o u a p p l y for t o o m a n y shares i n e a c h R E C (in w h i c h case
Southside Disco 8.30pm Southside Bar. ICCAG Soup Run 9.15pm Meet Weeks Hall Basement to take food to London's homeless.
FRIDAY Hang Gliding 12.30pm Southside Upper Lounge. Come and find out about weekend training. Weekly meeting. Yacht Club Meeting 12.30pm Huxley 413. 12.40pm Rag Meeting Union Lounge. l.OOpm Friday Prayers Southside Gym. See Islamic Society. Kung Fu 4.30pm Union Gym. C.U. Prayer Meeting 5.00pm 413 Maths. 6.00pm Christian Union Meeting
y o u m i g h t lose m o r e interest i n y o u r m o n e y t h a n c a p i t a l gains f r o m t h e shares y o u o b t a i n b e c a u s e of a n t i c i p a t e d h e a v y 'scaling down'). Let's b e realistic b y s p l i t t i n g £ 1 , 2 0 0 into £ 1 0 0 a p p l i c a t i o n s i n e a c h R E C it w i l l be v i r t u a l l y i m p o s s i b l e to lose i n the short t e r m e v e n after d e a l i n g costs. E v e n students w i t h n o savings c o u l d have m a d e m o n e y b y getting a student l o a n , a p p l y i n g for shares w i t h the m o n e y , s e l l i n g the shares s t r a i g h t a w a y a n d t h e n r e p a y i n g t h e l o a n early. F o r a C o l l e g e w i t h s u c h a r i g h t - w i n g r e p u t a t i o n it is surprising how how unenterprising m a n y of its students s e e m to b e .
our best to please G o d a n d t h e n w e w i l l be getting s o m e w h e r e w i t h h i m ; c h e c k out a l l t h e r e l i g i o n s o n offer. O n l y true C h r i s t i a n i t y is s a y i n g s o m e t h i n g e s p e c i a l l y different. In fact, it is s a y i n g that y o u can't please G o d , it stands a l o n e. R e l i g i o n is s u m m e d up b y t h e w o r d s : c e r e m o n y , d i s p l a y a n d f o r m a l i s m . It changes t h e o u t w a r d s a p p e a r a n c e , m a y b e , but p e o p l e s ' hearts a r e still t h e s a m e . M a n k i n d is i n h e r e n t l y b a d , o r sinful. Y o u don't accept that? W a k e u p . Take a look around. Religions are trying to deal w i t h this p r o b l e m at t h e 'effect' e n d of things instead of at the 'cause' e n d . N o w o n d e r r e l i g i o n is h y p o c r i t i c a l .
This w a s a g o l d e n o p p o r t u n i t y to m a k e m o n e y , g o l d e n o p p o r t u n i t i e s d o not g r o w ' o n trees. Yours sincerely, Mark Whiting, Physics 3.
T r u e C h r i s t i a n i t y is n o t about rules a n d c e r e m o n i e s d e a l i n g w i t h effects. It is about s u p e r n a t u r a l p o w e r to deal w i t h the cause—man's inherent sinfulness. It is about w h a t g o d thinks, w r i t t e n i n t h e B i b l e . It is about G o d , w h o is a n g r y w i t h sin because he is a G o d of justice. It's about t h e r e a l i t y that e v e r y o n e has b r o k e n God's L a w . E v e r y o n e has s i n n e d . It's about b e i n g regenerated—or b o r n again—by G o d a n d h a v i n g G o d l i v i n g i n y o u . M a n y p e o p l e i n this C o l l e g e w i l l testify to this. It's their o w n e x p e r i e n c e . L i v e s a r e t r a n s f o r m e d . Y o u get right w i t h G o d n o t b y things y o u do, but b y w h a t G o d has d o n e for y o u . T h i s is w h e r e true C h r i s t i a n i t y stands a l o n e. ' D o i n g g o o d ' has to b e p r e c e e d e d b y b e i n g ' b o r n a g a i n ' . T h e cause must b e dealt w i t h before t h e effects.
Eagre Dear Sir, A r e there a n y pros to r e l i g i o n ? I don't t h i n k so. Just a n awful lot of cons. It was sad to o b s e r v e i n last w e e k ' s article o n r e l i g i o n , t h e c o m p l e t e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g about w h a t true C h r i s t i a n i t y is all about. I h a v e to s a y 'true' C h r i s t i a n i t y has n o t h i n g to d o w i t h H i n d u i s m , Islam, o r B u d d h i s m . It also has n o t h i n g to d o w i t h R o m a n C a t h o l i c i s m o r w h a t the m a j o r i t y of t h e C h u r c h of E n g l a n d c h u r c h e s a r e t e l l i n g us. So, w h y is true C h r i s t i a n i t y a n y different? W e l l , it is not r e l i g i o n . E v e r y o n e is t e l l i n g us that w e must t r y
308 Computing. Swimming 6.30pm Sports Centre. New members always welcome. Fencing Club Training 6.40pm Club training. Shaolin System Nam Pai Chuan 7.30pm Southside Gym. Water Polo 7.30pm Sports Centre. Come along and join in. Southside Disco 8.30pm Southside Bar. ANNOUNCEMENTS • CHRISTMAS Carol Service: Everyone warmly invited to the Joint Christian Societies Christmas Service. l.OOpm, Thurs 13 December, Union Lounge. Including all your favourite carols. • LOST: If anyone picked up a Liberty's emerald green scarf in Southside on Thursday 29 Nov by mistake could they please return to Meriel Jones, Life Sci 111
T h i s letter is o n e of i n f o r m a t i o n . N o w that y o u h a v e t h e i n f o r m a t i o n y o u c a n d e c i d e o n it. C h o o s e to i g n o r e it o r accept it. T h e r e f o r e , as G o d says, C h o o s e Life. David R Kirk, Aero 4.
• T H A N K S to all the hosts at the City & Guilds Cocktail Party last Monday week. Everyone had a great time and it was a resounding success. Love and kisses, Christie. • W A N T E D : Good homes for pretty black and white kittens. Ready December phone int. 5053. • CRICKET NETS will be available next term at Lords. Every Tuesday at 9pm from January 15 onwards. Players of all abilities welcome, however whites must be worn. A group will be meeting in the Mech Eng Foyer at 7.45pm or you can go directly to Lords. (St John's Wood tube). PERSONAL • MIKE SMITH: Seeing as your knicker elastic doesn't hold up to alcohol, I'll buy you some more for Christmas. Lucy x x x . • GUYS with polonecks and necrophiliac tendencies to indulge in wild drugs and sex sessions contact L Palmer, RIP 3.
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LETTERS
Ealdorman
Dear Chris, H e r e w e go again—another A l a n B a i l e y epic o n l y sl i g h t ly m o r e literate this t i m e . 1 a m g l a d to k n o w that A l a n has got s o m e qualifications in H i s t o r y — h e does a v e r y g o o d job of h i d i n g it. In o r d e r to s h o r t e n m y letter this t i m e : 1. ' T h e p e r s o n to b l a m e for H i r o s h i m a a n d N a g a s a k i is H i r o h i t o ' — p a t e n t r u b b i s h . T h e a t o m i c b o m b i n g s of these t w o t o w n s w e r e n o t h i n g to do w i t h P e a r l H a r b o u r d i r e c t l y . I d e p l o r e the p r e - e m p t i v e strike m a d e b y the J a p a n e s e o n the H a r b o u r — I t h i n k A l a n a n d I c o u l d a g r e e o n this one. This d i d e x a c e r b a t e the Pacific situation l e a d i n g up to the Pacific W a r , h o w e v e r , it is w i d e l y a c c e p t e d that at the t i m e of the b o m b i n g that the A m e r i c a n forces w e r e o n e step a w a y f r o m d e f e a t i n g J a p a n w h i c h was s h a t t e r e d a n d r e e k i n g w i t h self-inflicted (read that o n e c a r e f u l l y , A l a n ) w o u n d s after its m a n y m i l i t a r y e x p l o i t s in C h i n a a n d K o r e a . H o w e v e r , in c o m m o n w i t h so m u c h A m e r i c a n p o l i c y before a n d since, the T r u m a n a d m i n i s t r a t i o n c o u l d not resist d e m o n s t r a t i n g its t e c h n o l o g i c a l s u p e r i o r i t y a n d g o i n g for t h e b i g o n e . It h a d a n e w t o y a n d was i t c h i n g to use i t — t w i c e . G o to the 'Peace D e m o ' (??—TS) o r the 'Heiwakoam' in Hiroshima and you will see the result. U n n e c e s s a r y o v e r k i l l , w h e n the A m e r i c a n s (and p r o b a b l y the Japanese) k n e w t h e y w e r e o n the b r i n k of the c o n v e n t i o n a l v i c t o r y . 2. If A l a n c o u l d be b o t h e r e d to l o o k it up, the m o d e r n n a m e for J a p a n is ' N i n o n ' . A s m a l l point, but i m p o r t a n t as it m a r k s a d e l i b e r a t e d e p a r t u r e from the w o r d ' N i p p o n ' w h i c h was m o r e w i d e l y i n used i n W o r l d W a r II a n d w a s c o n s i d e r e d to have aggressive a n d n a t i o n a l i s t i c connotations. 3. ' H i r o h i t o w a s little'—fair e n o u g h ! 4. O h g o o d grief—do w e h a v e to go into the r o w about M a r g a r e t T h a t c h e r . I do not w r i t e this to p r o v i d e a r g u m e n t a n d a cascade of letters but I t h i n k the Thatcher years were an unmitigated disaster for this c o u n t r y . 'Sensible' a n d 'correct' are the t w o adjectives furthest f r o m m y m i n d . I c o u l d go o n : P o l l T a x , 15% interest rates, 10.9% inflation, no o r i g i n a l m e m b e r s from 'class of 7 9 ' , w o r s t u n e m p l o y m e n t e v e r in the e a r l y eighties, m o r e p e o p l e o n t h e b r e a d line, further s u b s e r v i e n c e to the U S A . . . b l a h , blah, blah. A l l that, a few tax cuts at the p o o r e r sector's expense—just a d d w a t e r for a n i m m e d i a t e i l l u s i o n of w e l l - b e i n g a n d a n o t h e r four y e a r sentence. 5. T h e ' H a n g N e l s o n M a n d e l a ' t-shirt incident—sorry A l a n , I was w r o n g l y i n f o r m e d — k n o w the feeling? 6. T h e bit about H i r o h i t o l e a d i n g the w o r k l i k e nation—re-read a l l the stuff about the f i g u r e h e a d m o n a r c h y a n d his s u b s e r v i e n c e to the Diet, t h e Meiji
restoration a n d a l l that. I b e l i e v e that the true r o l e of the e m p e r o r c a n be e l u c i d a t e d b y n o t i n g that the o n l y e x e c u t i v e d e c i s i o n he e v e r m a d e was the o n e to accept U n c o n d i t i o n a l S u r r e n d e r w h e n the c a b i n e t v o t e w a s tied. H e effectively e n d e d the w a r for J a p a n (the r e c o r d s still exist!). 7. I do i n t e n d to l e a v e C o l l e g e a n d enter the r e a l w o r l d . I w o u l d like to k n o w A l a n ' s e x p e r i e n c e that a l l o w s h i m to c o m m e n t so freely—an 'S' L e v e l in M o d e r n H i s t o r y does not count. I hope to w o r k in J a p a n (surprise, surprise). 8. ' W e l l I k n o w that I'm m o r e in tune w i t h the B r i t i s h p o p u l t i o n t h a n you.' G o d help us (I m e a n it s i n c e r e l y ) . T h e c r y of the t r u l y i s o l a t e d , the c r y of M a r g a r e t , w h a t was her n a m e ? A l l I c a n say is—I h o p e not. J u d g i n g f r o m the w a v e of letters against y o u A l a n I w o u l d say not. T h e r e are a few w h o y o u are i n t o u c h w i t h . N o r m a n , u m , w h a t w a s the n a m e ? A s t r a w p o l l o n the street w o u l d s h o w the folly of y o u r unsubstantial
argument—I g i v e it scant attention. 9. ' M y letter w a s not racist'—if true t h e n I t h i n k a few lessons i n w r i t i n g style are i n o r d e r , y o u m i s r e p r e s e n t e d y o u r s e l f v e r y b a d l y . I t h i n k it's not true. This is based o n m y research—try d o i n g s o m e yourself, starting w i t h y o u r classmates. 10) ' C o n d e s c e n d i n g ' , 'Stuck up', ' I s o l a t e d ' — h m m m . I'm w i l l i n g to c o n s i d e r criticisms. T h e o n l y reason I'm not hurt is because t h e y c o m e f r o m s o m e o n e w h o s e o p i n i o n I do not v a l u e at a l l a n d w h o , a l t h o u g h I h a v e n ' t met, feel that I've k n o w n for t o o l o n g . If c o n d e s c e n d i n g , stuck a n d isolated are used to d e s c r i b e a (hopefully) i n f o r m e d and considered reply and a widely held v i e w t h e n I p l e a d guilty e s p e c i a l l y if t h e y are used to d e s c r i b e a v i e w p o i n t far r e m o v e d from his. I e x p e c t there w i l l be a reply—get y o u r c r a y o n s out A l a n . Yours, M Salter, Chem PG1,
Earache Dear FELIX, W h e n I p o i n t e d out the s u p p o s e d a i m of the C u l t u r a l R e v o l u t i o n , a c c o r d i n g to w h a t M a o said: the e m p o w e r m e n t of o r d i n a r y p e o p l e , I a v o i d e d t r y i n g to s u m m a r i s e w h a t r e a l l y w e n t o n , or w h a t M a o ' s r e a l a i m was, b e c a u s e I a m too i g n o r a n t . It w o u l d not s u r p r i s e m e to d i s c o v e r that c o r r u p t P a r t y a n d State officials a n d o t h e r bullies u s e d it as an o p p o r t u n i t y to i m p o s e h a r e - b r a i n e d schemes a n d persecute t h e i r o p p o n e n t s , s u p p o s e d e n e m i e s of the p e o p l e , w h e n t h e y t h e m s e l v e s w e r e the r e a l e n e m i e s of the p e o p l e (as o n e faction p r o v e d later b y m a s s a c r i n g p r o - d e m o c r a c y protesters i n T i a n a n m e n Square) a n d M a o p r o t e c t e d t h e m from b e i n g e x p o s e d . M i n g R i m a y h a v e a t t r i b u t e d to me, the i d e a that the State s h o u l d c o n t r o l e v e r y t h i n g . N o , the State s h o u l d not exist. A n alternative is a w o r l d w i t h o u t rulers, where people organise themselves and their resources o n the basis of f r e e d o m a n d equality. T h i s C o m m u n i s t v i s i o n is as m u c h at odds w i t h s o - c a l l e d C o m m u n i s t dictatorships as w i t h the m a r k e t s y s t e m . T h e s e dictatorships are u n n e c e s s a r y , e x p l o i t a t i v e , parasitic a n d oppressive. T h e y are Capitalist. P r e s i d e n t B u s h supports the c u r r e n t r e g i m e in C h i n a , a n d m a n y o p p r e s s i v e r e g i m e s i n the w o r l d that rule in the n a m e of a n t i - c o m m u n i s m . A s they w e r e b e i n g g u n n e d d o w n , m a n y protesters in T i a n a n m e n S q u a r e w e r e s i n g i n g 'The Internationale'. S u r v i v o r s c o m p a r e d D e n g X i a o p i n g to Hitler. In B r i t a i n the Left has b u r d e n e d the state w i t h a d u t y to p r o v i d e health,
w e l f a r e a n d g o o d e d u c a t i o n for a l l . T h e Capitalists o p p o s e this a n d see it as a waste of m o n e y . P o l i c e h e r e use v i o l e n c e to b r e a k up peaceful d e m o n s t r a t i o n s , but t h a n k s to g e n e r a t i o n s of struggle b y leftw i n g activists, t h e rules here dare not go as far as their C h i n e s e c o u n t e r p a r t s for fear of a b a c k l a s h that c o u l d s w e e p t h e m from p o w e r . T h e E c o n o m i c L e a g u e keeps a secret a n d i l l e g a l blacklist of suspected leftwing activists, to s p o i l our job o p p o r t u n i t i e s . T h e Right k e e p s c a m p a i g n i n g to e x t e n d the O b s c e n e P u b l i c a t i o n s A c t , to m a k e p u b l i c a t i o n of offensive letters like m i n e p u n i s h a b l e b y jail, a n d to t i g h t e n their g r i p o n the mass m e d i a w h i c h h a v e the p o w e r to distort o u r feelings, beliefs a n d m e m o r i e s . T h e ideas a n d h a r d w o r k of leaders c a n be v e r y v a l u a b l e , but w h e n s o m e o n e b e c o m e s a r u l e r (eg. in p o l i t i c a l o r e c o n o m i c lives) t h e y c o m e to s e r v e a n a d d i c t i o n to p o w e r a n d flattery. W e s h o u l d t h i n k honestly a n d l o g i c a l l y for ourselves a n d get r i d of r u l e r s . M a n y p e o p l e w h o v a l u e f r e e d o m of speech, resent its use b y p e o p l e w i t h u n c o n v e n t i o n a l v i e w s , a n d take a v i c a r i o u s p l e a s u r e i n their p e r s e c u t i o n in other c o u n t r i e s . But w i t h o u t those w h o insist o n s p e a k i n g out, a n d the m u c h b r a v e r a n d m o r e d e d i c a t e d heroes w h o a c t i v e l y fight o p p r e s s i o n , that freedom w o u l d disappear. M o d e r a t i o n o n l y gives the oppressors m o r e c h a n c e s to m u r d e r people. Yours sincerely, Jason Pike.
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Earl Dear FELIX, Why For A r t Thou I w o u l d be grateful if y o u c o u l d pass m y c o m m e n t s o n the a b o v e article appeased o n the last F E L I X , to A t h e n a , the author. T h e r e was a s u r p r i s i n g o m m i s s i o n of B u d d h i s m in the article a b o v e w h i c h discusses the p r o s a n d cons of r e l i g i o n . P r o b a b l y , the a u t h o r m a y n o t be h a v i n g sufficient k n o w l e d g e of the p h i l o s o p h y of B u d d h i s m . T o b e frank, I k n o w o n l y v e r y little of B u d d h i s t p h i l o s o p h y w h i c h takes s e v e r a l years of full time s t u d y for a l a y m a n to u n d e r s t a n d . B u t , I w o u l d be able to address some of the points discussed i n the article f r o m the B u d d h i s t point of v i e w . 1. A s far as w o m e n ' s rights are c o n c e r n e d , o r d i n a t i o n of w o m e n w a s a c c e p t e d i n B u d d h i s m a r o u n d 600 B C b y L o r d B u d d h a , the founder of B u d d h i s m , himself. Since t h e n , o r d i n a t i o n of w o m e n was part of the B u d d h i s t s o c i e t y . T h e first w o m a n P r i m e M i n i s t e r i n the w o r l d is from S r i L a n k a , a s o c i e t y d o m i n a t e d b y the B u d d h i s t culture. 2. O n h o w l i b e r a l B u d d h i s t p h i l o s o p h y is: I w o u l d l i k e to quote d i r e c t l y his words. ' D o not accept a n y t h i n g b y m e r e tradition. D o not accept a n y t h i n g because it appears in Scriptures. D o not a c c e p t a n y t h i n g b e c a u s e it is taught b y the respected.' ' A s the w i s e test g o l d b y b u r n i n g , c u t t i n g a n d r u b b i n g it, so are y o u to accept m y w o r d s after e x a m i n i n g a n d not m e r e l y out of r e g a r d to me.' ( G a u t a m a the B u d d h a ) 3. Out r i g h t rejection of cast system: ' A p e r s o n b e c o m e s a B r a h m i n (higher cast) or a H a v i j a m (low cast) not b y his o r i g i n but b y his deeds.' (The G a u t a m a the B u d d h a ) ' H e w a s f r o m a h i g h e r cast f a m i l y , in fact a prince.' 4. O n c o m p a s s i o n : 'Go fourth for the g o o d of the m a n y For the happiness of the m a n y Out of c o m p a s s i o n for the w o r l d . ' ' H a t r e d n e v e r ceases b y h a t r e d but b y love.' ( G a u t a m a the B u d d h a ) 5. O n i n t o l e r a n c e of v i o l e n c e : In B u d d h i s m , h a r m i n g any living being for any reason, is not t o l e r a t e d u n l i k e s o m e other r e l i g i o n s w h e r e a n i m a l s lives are sacrificed for G o d . 6. B u d d h i s t s are s u p p o s e d to b e l i e v e i n themselves, n o t o n a n a l l p o w e r f u l G o d . A person, himself is r e s p o n s i b l e for w h a t h e / s h e does, but n o b o d y else. H o p e these p o i n t s w o u l d b e useful to y o u in the future. With kind regards, Priyantha.
Ear Dear Chris, Subject: R e j o i n d e r to ' M i c h a e l N e w m a n on the right to be b l a s p h e m o u s ' W h a t struck me about the article u n d e r reference is the a d m i s s i o n of s o m e assertions b y i n d i v i d u a l s the author has e v i d e n t r e g a r d for as i n c o n t r o v e r t i b l e e v i d e n c e of t r u t h . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , the l a w of e v i d e n c e is m a d e of st e r n er stuff. D r J a c o b B r o n o w s k i is free to h o l d p e r s o n a l o p i n i o n s but his b e i n g a scientist a n d humanist does not confer ' p a p a l infallibility' o n his utterances not e v e n the title of D r or Prof c a n do that e x c e p t if the a u t h or w i l l w a n t the r e a d i n g p u b l i c to accept D r B r o n o w s k i ' s u t t e r a n c e as a 'revelation'! T o further u n d e r s c o r e the significance of this point. T h i n k of it, h o w m a n y selfrespecting a c a d e m i c s w i l l t o d a y r e g a r d t h e m s e l v e s as F r e u d i a n P s y c h o l o g i s t s ? But F r e u d i a n P s y c h o l o g y was o n c e the thing. C a n y o u i a m g i n e the d a m a g e d o n e to society as a result of this n a i v e attitude of a c c e p t i v e a n d b a n d y i n g about the utterances of i n d i v i d u a l s w h o prat t h e m s e l v e s about as scientists, as scientific truth? M y a d v i c e for the a u t h or is to c a r r y out a t h o r o u g h study into the " differences b e t w e e n value judgements and scientific facts o n the o n e h a n d , a n d facts and truth o n the other. F i n a l l y , m a y he b y these sayings be a d m o n i s h e d : Beyond reason there is intuition a n d b e y o n d i n t u i t i o n there is FAITH. C M Harry, Management School.
LETTERS
Earful Dear Chris, A s the a n n u a l ' C h r i s t m a s ' sales d r i v e b e c o m e s m o r e a n d m o r e l i k e a religious festival, I'd l i k e to offer the f o l l o w i n g prayer: Lord, W e t h a n k y o u for our free trade, a n d for the p r o s p e r i t y a n d C h r i s t m a s presents this brings. A t this time w e p r a y for those less fortunate t h a n ourselves—those that suffer i n c o u n t r i e s w i t h o u t f i n a n c i a l tolerance. W e p r a y for those that w o r k h a r d to p r o v i d e for t h e i r families, but still h a v e most of their earnings s t o l e n b y the 'state'. W e p r a y for those that h a v e to suffer the effects of p o v e r t y traps due to social security measures. A t this t i m e w e p r a y p a r t i c u l a r l y for those w i l l i n g a n d able to e a r n m o n e y , but are p r e v e n t e d f r o m w o r k i n g b y the g r e e d of those w i t h jobs, b y their artificially h i g h wages due to c o l l e c t i v e b a r g a i n i n g and m i n i m u m wage laws. So w e ask, L o r d , that y o u w i l l free the paths to great p r o s p e r i t y , not just for those w i t h a c o m f o r t a b l e if restricted q u a l i t y of life, but p a r t i c u l a r l y those in the most n e e d of the f r e e d o m to w o r k to better their lives. In the n a m e of the F a t h e r , the S o n a n d the Spirit of E n t e r p r i s e , A m e n . Thomas Wyatt.
Eardrum a b s e n c e of r e l i g i o n — S t a l i n , P o l Pot, most Dear FELIX, Eastern Bloc countries, China...should we I w a s stirred to r e p l y to M i c h a e l rid the w o r l d of atheism? N e w m a n ' s ' B l a s p h e m y ' a r t i c l e of T h i r d l y , M r N e w m a n describes r e l i g i o n N o v e m b e r 30. H i s initial thoughts o n as u n e m p i r i c a l a n d u n r e a s o n a b l e . b l a s p h e m y w e r e sensible but he s e e m e d C h r i s t i a n i t y c a n be c o r r o b o r a t e d b y the to go o n to s a y all r e l i g i o n was i n h u m a n , w e a l t h of e v i d e n c e of the ressurection c r u e l a n d t h o r o u g l y e v i l . I w o u l d like to a n d b y the t a n g i b l e a n d p h y s i c a l acts of contest his a r g u m e n t , u s i n g the e x a m p l e G o d in the lives of those w h o l o v e h i m . of m y o w n faith, C h r i s t i a n i t y , w h i c h is the W h a t else does he want? o n l y o n e I a m q u a l i f i e d to defend. Lastly, it a p p e a r e d that a focus for T o start w i t h M r N e w m a n omits all the M i c h a e l N e w m a n ' s anti-religious ideas is t r e m e n d o u s things that C h r i s t i a n i t y has the heart felt grief of a m a n w h o s e family c o n t r i b u t e d to the w o r l d . I w o n ' t b o t h e r w e r e m u r d e r e d at A u c h s w i t z . It seems to to start to n a m e t h e m here. m e that A u c h s w i t z was the result of S e c o n d l y , he fails to m a k e a d i s t i n c t i o n man's d e c i s i o n to d r o p the G o d of l o v e b e t w e e n w h a t C h r i s t i a n i t y teaches a n d a n d this t e a c h i n g to l o v e , a n d man's w h a t p e o p l e do in its n a m e . O n e m i g h t d e c i s i on to d o w h a t e v e r he wants, c o n s i d e r the v i o l e n c e of t h e F r e n c h w h e n e v e r he feels l i k e it. r e v o l u t i o n in the n a m e of f r e e d o m a n d e q u a l rights, the N a z i scientists I w o u l d be most interested to c o n t i n u e e x p e r i m e n t i n g i n the n a m e of science. D o i this discussion w i t h M i c h a e l N e w m a n w e r i d the w o r l d of freedom or science, s h o u l d he w i s h to do so. therefore.' I c o u l d point out the Yours, m o n s t r o u s evils of r e g i m e s h a v i n g a n Jez Spearman, Civ Eng MSc.
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Crossword FELIX
by Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber. 1
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1. M a n n e r i s m of s p e e c h (5) 4. G u i l t y p a r t y (7) 8. Rescues m o n e y (5) 9. A l m o s t a h a r m o n i o u s p l a n e (7) " 10. P r o s e c u t e the girl (3) 11. 12. 13. 14. 18.
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C o n t a i n a b o i l I i m p l o r e (6) O n e o v e r p o e t r y ? (7) T o o late for the trip? (6,3,4) A g r e e to (6) T a l k d o w n to falling fiddle (13) E p i d e r m a l p o r e (5) S w e r v e (5) Left M o n e y (7) E x p l i c i t l y n a r r a t e d (6) V i o l e n t m e n t a l d e r a n g e m e n t (6) M a l e D u c k (5) S e p a r a t i n g p a s s a g e w a y (5)
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42
Manager's Bit H a r a s s m e n t s e e m s to be o n the increase. I h a v e h e a r d of a n o t h e r case at U n i v e r s i t y C o l l e g e . A l l this t e r m a w o m e n has b e e n f o l l o w e d a n d v e r b a l l y harassed. T o find out w h a t she is d o i n g he listens to her friends a n d slags h e r d o w n i n front of t h e m . H e threatens s u i c i d e a n d confronts n u m e r o u s p e o p l e at a t i m e . If a l l that wasn' t e n o u g h the t r a i n e d sabbatical c o n c e r n e d w i t h that k i n d of p r o b l e m doesn't s e e m to c a r e . W h e n a p p r o a c h e d he said that ' Y o u are just b e i n g sensationalist' a n d that he wasn't g o i n g to d o a n y t h i n g b e c a u s e she didn't a p p r o a c h h i m d u r i n g office hours. Since w h e n does a sabbatical's j o b finish dead o n 5 o ' c l o c k o r 5.30pm? E s p e c i a l l y w h e n s u c h a situation arises. T h e v i c t i m has r e c e i v e d n o g u i d a n c e as to w h a t steps to take, not e v e n to the extent of c a l l i n g N i g h t l i n e for g e n e r a l a d v i c e . It seems r i d i c u l o u s that s u c h a thing can happen. T h e cuts a r e b i t i n g h a r d at home' a n d a w a y . T h e C a r e e r s A d v i s o r y S e r v i c e is u n d e r v e r y serious threat of closure a n d so a r e d e p a r t m e n t s at Q M W . 1 w o n d e r w h o a n d w h a t w i l l be next, a n d w i l l a n y b o d y do a n y t h i n g about it? I hope so!. I k n o w that quite a few p e o p l e a r o u n d IC are c o n c e r n e d about their future. T h a t said a n d done it's t i m e to go a n d so h a v e a g o o d o n e , T u r k e y . Credits: A n d y T h o m p s o n for b e i n g a shit hot p r i n t e r a n d p u t t i n g u p w i t h t o o m a n y late nights, Rose A t k i n s for m a n y hours a n d teet of typesetting, J e r e m y B u r n e l l for b e i n g a c o o l h e a d e d Business M a n a g e r a n d f e n d i n g off m a n y a ruthless sales r e p
w i t h m e , T o b y Jones for b e i n g d r i v e n b a r m y b y the news, A d a m H a r r i n g t o n for b a c k i n g h i m u p as l o n g as he d i d , A d a m T i n w o r t h for the r e v i e w s se c t i on despite not b e i n g a n IC student a n y m o r e (and t r a v e l l i n g a l l t h e w a y from Q M W e a c h time), S a r a h H a r l a n d for the m u s i c r e v i e w s a n d d o i n g m a n y r i d i c u l o u s hours of p a s t e - u p etc, Ian H o d g e for s u m m o n i n g s c i e n c e features, R o l a n d F l o w e r d e w for e d i t i n g m a n y a feature a n d w r i t i n g a few, A n d y B u t c h e r for t h e longest c o n t i n o u s r u n of a n y c a r t o o n strip I c a n r e m e m b e r i n F e l i x , C h r i s R i l e y for lots of features, J a m e s G r i n t e r for b e i n g as k e e n a first y e a r F e l i x p e r s o n as I w a s , M a t t h e w J o h n s o n for c o n f u s i n g a l l those s u p p o s e d l y intelligent p e o p l e , M i c h a e l N e w m a n for features a n d h u g e a r g u m e n t s at c o l l a t i n g , Stef S m i t h for gratuitous a m o u n t s of help i n the first c o u p l e of w e e k s , R i c h a r d E y e r s for t a k i n g o v e r the o r g a n i s a t i o n of t h e p h o t o g r a p h y section, K a v e h G u i l a n p o u r , James, J e r e m y , R o l a n d , Ian, Stef, Chris, D a n H o m o l k a , L u k e L e i g h t o n a n d R i c h a r d for t a k i n g the photos, S i m o n H a s l a m , R i c h a r d C r o u c h a n d S a r a h for the icons, T h e E n g l i s h C o l l e c t i v e of Prostitutes, L i z W a r r e n , J a s o n L a n d e r , D o n A d l i n g t o n , Suguto Ray, Spencer Lane, D r John Brady, Colin Toombs, Liz H , Sydney H a r b o u r - B r i d g e , J a c k i e Scott, M a r k C r a w l e y a n d C h r i s H a y e s for their m a n y a n d v a r i o u s contributions, T h e A m a z i n g Flying Gerbil Machine, Pinky and Perky, Dipak Poria, Pendragon, A l i e n Sex Fiend, A d a m , Liz W , Seb, U n b a g g y , M u n g o , a n d a n y others for their r e v i e w s , M r s T h a t c h e r a n d Geoffrey H o w e for r e s i g n i n g , M i c h a e l H e s e l t i n e for p u s h i n g h e r o v e r the e d g e
e
a n d the M i r r o r for the p i c t u r e of h e r c r y i n g , T h e S n a c k B a r a n d U n i o n B a r for k e e p i n g m e g o i n g i n food, b e e r a n d rollies, a n d t h e f o l l o w i n g for c o l l a t i n g (with m a n y of the above); Steve F a r r a n t , T a n y a M a u l e , H a l C a l a m v o k i s etc f r o m R a g , Sue A h m e t , R i c D a v i s , F r a n k E v e r s , C h a z R a n d i e s a n d L o u i s e Rafferty f r o m R S C U , B . J . M c C a b e , Pete, D o m i n i c , a n d G r a h a m f r o m Ents, L i n s t e a d H a l l p e o p l e , Joe F e r n e l y , K e v i n O ' C o n n o r , C h r i s t i e , Lucia, Chris B r o w n e , Carl E d w i n , Stephen Hoborough, Cathy McClay a n d Kate D o u l t o n from C + G, H u g h E a l a n d a n d S t . J o h n H a r r o l d from S T O I C , S a l e e m Choudhery a n d Paul Reah from Pimlico C o n n e c t i o n , C h a r l e s Nasser etc f r o m F r i e n d s of Palestine Soc, M i k e , A n n Robe rt s, Illyes, M i c h a e l a n d A n d r e w f r o m F B I Soc, A s i a n Soc, A n d r e a s , T M L o o , K Yurtseuer, R A n t o c o y k , S Lee, Chandon, M i c h and R o n a l d from O S C , A n d r e w a n d G r a h a m from IC R a d i o , R o s i e , A n d y , Sharon, David, Dave, Paul, David, Sarah, Claire, C h e w a n d Elizabeth from C U , T o m , Nick, J o n and C a m e from W L C , Stephen Copestake, J i m Bryant, Sumeet Ghaie, Nick Corry, Brian Swinburne a n d Matt D i x o n , S h a n , Benj a n d M u r r a y f r o m I C U , J o h n F i n l e y from B e i t H a l l , a n y b o d y I've left out, a n d t h e letters A to E . . . M e r r y C h r i s t i n a s to y o u a l l . P S . ÂŁ 2 0 to t h e first c o r r e c t s o l u t i o n of t h e c r o s s w o r d o p p o s i t e d r a w n f r o m a hat o n the first M o n d a y of n e x t t e r m . Felix is produced for and on behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed at the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB (Tel 071-225 8672). Manager: Chris Stapleton, Business Manager: Jeremy Burnell. Copyright Felix 1990 ISSN 1040-0711.
Letter from Cardiff Dear Chris, Re: Issue 884 " I C R a g i n D i s p u t e " . F u r t h e r to o u r t e l e p h o n e c o n v e r s a t i o n s of the 2 6 t h N o v e m b e r c o n c e r n i n g y o u r intentions to p r i n t a d e t a i l ed article as a f o l l o w u p to t h e a b o v e p i e c e , w e w o u l d like to clarify the f o l l o w i n g points: 1. A t n o t i m e has R a g C a e r d y d d o r a n y m e m b e r s of its c o m m i t t e e m a d e allegations of theft o r d i s h o n e s t y a m o n g s t the E x e c u t i v e of IC o r IC R a g . W e b e l i e v e that a l l the m o n e y r a i s e d o n the d a y w a s passed o n to M e n c a p . S u c h sensationalisms o n l y serve to d o h a r m to the R a g a c c u s e d a n d Rags n a t i o n a l l y . S h o u l d a n y press outside the c ol l e ge press f o l l o w u p y o u r article i n issue 8 8 4 , IC Rag's re put a t i on w i l l be s e r i o u s l y tainted, a n d i n s u c h cases e v e r y b o d y loses,
e s p e c i a l l y the charities benefitting f r o m the g o o d w o r k IC R a g does. 2. T h e letter sent b y o u r s e l v e s to o n e of y o u r reporters, at his request, as a result of a n i n c i d e n t w h i c h h a p p e n e d at IC, e x p r e s s e d o n l y a c h r o n o l o g i c a l a c c o u n t of this a n d other related incidents w h i c h h a v e h a p p e n e d at IC for b a c k g r o u n d i n f o r m a t i o n . It w a s m a r k e d p e r s o n a l to the r e p o r t e r i n q u e s t i o n since he h a d offered his p e r s o n a l p r o m i s e of confidentiality. T h i s w a s i m m e d i a t e l y b r e a c h e d a n d t h e letter f o r w a r d e d to IC R a g a p p a r e n t l y i n the c a p a c i t y of R a g C a e r d y d d . T h i s has r e s u l t e d i n c o r r e s p o n d a n c e f r o m IC R a g to the reporter, a c o p y of w h i c h he f o r w a r d e d to ourselves. T h e s e t w o b r e a c h e s of c o n f i d e n t i a l m a i l serve n o purpose o t h e r
t h a n i n f l a m i n g a n a l r e a d y tense situation, w i t h t h e t w o R a g s w e r e t r y i n g to r e s o l v e . O u r R a g C h a i r is still a w a i t i n g a full a p o l o g y from IC R a g for the foolish b e h a v i o u r that o c c u r r e d o n t h e 3 r d N o v e m b e r , w h i c h r e s u l t ed i n s e v e r e t r a u m a a n d d i s c o m f o r t to h e r o n the n i g h t a n d for the f o l l o w i n g w e e k . W e also feel that a n a d m i s s i o n of w r o n g f u l p r a c t i c e o n t h e part of the reporter a n d a n u n r e s e r v e d a p o l o g y for t h e b r e a c h of c o n f i d e n c e to b o t h Cardiff a n d I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e Rags be p r i n t e d i n " F e l i x " . B e y o n d that w e feel t h e p l a c e for r e s o l v i n g the rest of the d i s a g r e e m e n t s is in p r i v a t e a n d not t h r o u g h t h e m e d i a . Rag Caerdydd Committee.
STATEMENT T h e M a n a g e r a n d the C h a i r m a n of IC R a g i n n o w a y a g r e e that the allegations m a d e i n the a b o v e letter about the reporter a n y f o u n d a t i o n . H e d i d not c o m m i t a n y b r e a c h of c o n f i d e n c e a n d is not g u i l t y of a n y w r o n g f u l p r a c t i c e .
have
43
QUESTIONNAIRE ON SMOKING AT WORK I .
Which
of
these
t O
phrases best describes your own smoking view about at your p l a c e of work? Please tick one should
not
of
1 1
the
1 D give
I up
2 0 want
be
am
a
smoker
who
wants
to
5
• • • n u •
6
•
7
•
1
i smoker t o g i v e up a
n
a
who
doesn't
2 3
2 ^ areas
There where
s h o u l d be s e p a r a t e smoking i s p e r m i t t e d
3 4
4
•
areas Don't
•
No
I
am
an
ex—smoker
W
I
am
a
non-smoker
1
know Is smoking permitted i n your working area?
What do y o u prefer i n t h e a r e a s where people work together? Please tick one 1
Q
4
• a l l
restrictions
on
1 2
n >->
of
the
What line
in
Reception
2
do
you
prefer
areas
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3
•
0
Yes
NO
NO
7
Barfs)
8
Sports
9
L i f t s
o • • •
Toilets
0
• •
vehicles
• • •• • • • • LJ
•
rooms
No
Smoking
restrictions
Majority No
on
•
0
• •
l
3
What
ban
n
•
1
l_J
Very
2
i_J
n
Easy
4
•
NO
2
•
Yes
If
YES
Frequently
please
easy
D i f f i c u l t n
Very
LJ
1
d i f f i c u l t
4
o •
Would you use h e l p t o g i v e up smoking i f i t were o f f e r e d a t work?
Yes No
LJ
1
your
5
Thank you f o r completing this questionnaire. P l e a s e add any comments h e r e .
state
why:-
smoking
X
o
1
o
2
0
If
YES
Have you any reason to suppose y o u r own health is more a t r i s k than other peoples?
Please
return
i t tor-
Junior
Common
Room
or QT
NO
Yes please
be
n
Is
1
i t
p 3
• • • • • • •
would
unless a l l
on
in
l i k e f o r you i f you c o u l d not smoke a t a l l during working hours?
performance at work f o r any reason adversely e f f e c t e d by o t h e r smoking? people
smoking
Have you e v e r had t o move a w a y from where you were working because of other people's smoke?
1
each
decision
smoking
Total
above
breaks
agree 5
in
LJ
• • • • • • • •
n
one
Total Ban
• 0
At meetings which do y o u prefer? Tick one
•
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Smoking a t s p e c i f i e d times 3
Separate Areas 2
u
Snack
Libraries
areas?
n
6
areas
following
n
I_I
bar
i n the
U n
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n u
the
Do y o u s m o k e your working area?
•
•
Cof f ee
Residential
of
2
1
•
5
O f f i c i a l
Library None
2
0
Room(s)
12
Workshop
Yes
•
Rest
13
2
0
•
4
11
1
n
Restaurant/Canteen(s)
10
office
Laboratory
above
Restrictions 1 1
Open-plan
JL
Are you bothered by t o b a c c o smoke a t work7
break
1
None
office office
For smokers o n l y - Non-smokers p l e a s e g o t o q u e s t i o n 15 a t t h e end o f t h e q u e s t i o n n a i r e
No
non-smoking
n
P
Shared
smoking
tNo s m o k i n g e x c e p t a t 3 time 4 P T o t a l ban on s m o k i n g working areas 5
Private
Yes
L J
n 2 Smoking and working areas
Which of the following describes your working area best? Tick one
following describes you best? Tick one
n 1 U Smoking allowed
Which
By: state
why: -
Fast
Food
January
Bar 7th
1991
3_ <3
PLEASE COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING:
1
Student
2
Staff
1
• •
"7
1. C l e r i c a l & R e l a t e d 2. Academic & R e l a t e d 3. T e c h n i c a l & Relate d 4. Manual & A n c i l l a r y 5.
Others
1 S
Areas o f Work: Departments:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17.
• • • • •
Aeronautics Biology Biochemistry Chemistry Chemical Eng & Tech C i v i l Engineering Computing Computer Centre E l e c t r i c a l Engineering Geology L i f e Science s Materials Mathematics Management School Mechanical E n g i n e e r i n g M i n e r a l Resources Eng Physics
18.Administration S h e r f i e l d
0
19.St Mary's Medical School
D
20.Silwood Park
U
21.Other Areas
0
PLEASE FOLD HERE
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