http://www.felixonline.co.uk/archive/IC_1998/1998_1119_A

Page 1

COLOUR EXTRAVAGANZA

SUMMER SOUNDS

Sixty-page Bumper Issue

Guide to the Festivals

GOT SOME SPARE TIME?

Jumbo $f Crossword

Interview w i t h the Rector Campus Renaissance G a m e y t h e Tunnels "of IC I ^ Trip to Le Mans

1 '

7 ' & the Embrace War Massive Film Preview Thailand Travel

N

S L

2

4

GAME

24 June

998

GAME

24 June 1998

Automatic seating in Great Hall opens unexpectedly during exam, killing fff

18

1 9 The Rector nicks your parking space. Miss a go .

you're fc "start small antiques shop.

ii

59

Felix finds out that you bunged the builders to work Faster. Back one.

Rich old fo £2 million.

11

:

J o h n Foster electrocutes himself w h i l e c u t t i n g IC Radio's JCR feed. G o F o r w a r d one.

»zzle all the nove to the is. The End. P

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You give the Sheffield building a face-lift, it still looks horrible. Hey ho, miss a go.

Conference Office doesn't buy new furniture. Take an extra go.

flow ir failing I. Move steps back.

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24 June 1998

Sabbatical DAVID

NEWS

s Finally Over (Yawn)

With just six days to go before the end of term, the Union has at last completed next year's sabbatical line-up, with Chris Ince elected as Deputy President (Finance Services) by one of the lowest turnouts in living memory.

e k place last

Wednesday and was called n e s DP (F&5)-elect Dave ! $ %&' resigned. Mr " # n was elected last February ( ( e Dave Hellard Adam ) n and Ed * + but d n n it became , clear t e d t pass s + . - r n leave e . n in limb t e // / , / l s results e n awaited / 0 /

decided t p e d r new candi , / dates t ensure t

e d s vital 1234 .

up a 336 t 57 .

/ e result was greeted wit relie in . n / ( AB circles. * r . n s @ e been under standably d t a New > n result / d leave e . n in crisis C d t survive / , // s until elec t e its t vital 5 67 / : . Indeed ICU n papers r e t came n n 9 s d be d in D d described e June 8 Mr Ince was e w President Andy Heeps y candidate t , g t d e s n s t int e ring 9 and wit e result seem- t as E / / ( t a President". F e n

- ingly a e very little s been warmly received wit Mr . Hustings at ) s Ince n by e asm was ( ( 0 m . n stalwart w in s s and * ; n were InceG (a : ) g) cancelled and e l IC Radi and Felix sixt year at Imperial) believed t represent a

r t e current incumbent - b interviews did t take place. )

< y , t students were unaware t e n Clark. / / / / = t was taking place resulting in a t Mr Ince was elected n a m / ( ( / 395 - less n e percent e registered cial prudence and review g student /

. training as e s principle . He ( / / , , d t e l training r every On a e e e did / , e t returned Mr Ince by e t club r y treasurer and s ensure / ,/ s . n HIJKLJM . He

. Mr Ince er s at all levels : e margins ever , / ,, , made s t pursue a beat New > n ? e y r "candidate") als ( / / // / review e levels subsidy

d at every g n apart m * d Park / . e s cast and g t . n clubs and registering 8 5 %

/ ! t e n result itsel represents ( / / d news r e . e y w , , / / , t is c a r wider : . / (

s e t cite general * r . n , t wit e way e . n is run and exam pressures as e t cause but s /

w 1C stu< s still remain as t y s ( dents really seem t care : t e n , / is d t represent . I messrs ( Hellard N Ince and ) n wis t claim a , true

c mandate t run e . n ( r biggest e will

s be t p / d spiral s m g any / .

= )

s Ince

= New > n

STOIC M a k e Offal JON

TROUT

Friday night Channel Four viewers might have had a bit of a fright. O r e discerning 0 b 0 , R // punter P r Q * s TV D l s n , / / e viewing r e last w weeks; t be / ( / e

t genuine m / unlikeable n presenters : s ( ( / and slick = s m e l BBC Radi

/ . One singers making it an instant S / ( / r e is e "Crappy Q e / Week" T g last week ICU's Student

/ (

n Imperial ) . e pictures d e indeed substandard UVWV ; a :

y went n t ing d . , ( w e eternally : e Imperial / a p wit a e t and a celebrity interview. It came as quite a k t y became Mike Gibbs STOIC / / . aware it r e : S , s ) d asked t

l 4 s XYY ( , ( , k e s a / / ( ing t pay r any e y used in e S / ( /

n r a

d s a . r / e e a largely years e , (

y d e a

d in g / / 0 s ra r editing suite d / make n easy even r beginners. One

/ ( Z : n [ d member said: E t e \] / s taste l design and late sixties stu-

/

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dents will ensure e immediate e e / struggling y is sweetly L^_JL` . F y we / , can use e cas t get a w e e inter ested in getting STOIC t make n a^_ grammes." Mike Gibbs is : t 22.

24 June 1998

NEWS

Summer ALAN

CEER AND JULIA

HARRIES

The first ever Imperial College Summer Ball was held on Friday 19 of June at Alexandra Palace, and def d bc d t be an unprecedented l d n do success. g he event i j hk h m d t d several weeks pq i was attended def do fd nf r a r h mp sd b b . Apart by t d d n ld l f c m s y seven p h s turning up d fd n d t take b b e t r he Ball and r he dt uvwvxyz{y|zy small numbers bar tt f } d~f mrp i r he Ball was s d by all. d d n Organisers hp d s t planned f d p bpr h r kc IC students wanting t d ld f d i dance i r even wanting t t ndd but in r he event r he dance r dd l d f c j . y Ball i became r t f ld o d nf d t pr r sm ksg several rr s d on wine i gave an immensly b b p r ffl n do d n d mb hi and p r h q h s y m e ldo n f revellers d h p r hk i he de d received a standing pr k s.

Ball

Success

l d f c j s partied until r h y were t d lf do do y c d t in r he early h cs tt ndd by weary Ally Pally mrp . It s like d r he Imperial Ball is e t stay i ~d ~do

make sure u get early next year.

r tickets

Left: Ling Lee, one of the students who organised the ball;. Below: The dodgems were a big attraction. Right Johnny Ball in the m i ddle of his popular after-dinner speech. Above: The small dance floor was crammed to capacity.

Mark

Baker.

Exuberant and very drunk students t including t Andy Heeps i 32 i d lf d d f c d t ksd r h r avenues were dt amusement. Luckily wit h d f d d q m i a casin and r he p cp e l f d d do n p hks i n se j d e d lf o dl s r k d Mr. Heeps' hp kcy rr m . n f tt fl r s and r he Amazing kq hr ksg o l l f l nn t f n d s hp cp r ckmr k p y ck s y pr mf ld nf l bh ce made a b re hp sq e t d d dde c m sk n carnivals. g he q c y

Print Unit's Last JEREMY

THOMSON

t f r r nearly twenty years i 1CU Print d l nd f d m . g he bcksrm h bi Unit is set t l do d d n j hk h is r h q ht t be r he s y int l n do o d h m e sk n printing p k kr y in r he ldo f fn sr cy received its pr h s l t d t d o do c m a sp sk s e c m an ldo l s kl last Friday. emergency ICU t do f g he print unit was s d by t d f d de l f Felix in c r t bc k e h p bi pmt ld of newspaper printing. It sr ks d td d ksg larger and r many years i q c j td }d s undertaking r clubs and d f d d rh r cqp skmpr k sm . It was run dt under r he management subsef d fl d quent Felix kr cm i until a km k n d d was made in 1995 t expand it int to n do nf r r. a l trading d d fe Over r he last tw years i h j d d nf m. er i r he unit hps run int bc dllo f bk d by r he Firstly i r he space td print unit is required r r he exten dt n dBs taking place r hks sumd de d td mer i and n bc km k n r new ld t f s kc d by ¡¢£ space hps been d nf d ¤c lege. s e als been

n

f ldo f f d s sr c d in training students t dt dt print¥ and lack bc kr s e ruled to nn dtf d do t a mm k sp l printer. r k e bc ¦ d lf do s cn p t r he newly revealed t t l f d l dt ksp s kp l b c c p s e r he print td } d unit and r he need r p r investdo d f ment c q ht matters t a h p . t d o f § cr h r bad news came c m r he d print unit manager i j h revealed ld f r hpt he was sm k cksg retirement dt at r he end r hks year. d d ld Several br k ss were sm k ldo l n ered by s k i including expandl d ing r he unit i mj kr hksg t new printfl d nd d ld d sr c l ing r hs q y r hp s ksg dt d d r he print m h p back t Felix i r he ¨ ©ª «¨ t edo f n p c d by r he current Felix ¬­ «ª ¨ ® d fef . In r he end i h j ci it was }d d d decided t give all s t external ld f bp sk s and pull r he printing

plug.

d

f

g he equipment j s d by r he d print unit is being ¯°±²³ and r he bc d to ceeds are currently set t sd r he do f 'Animal ´ m ' - r he new ICU d media centre t be built in r he west dt wing basement Beit Quad next

t ndd

d

s likely t be year. Felix itsel tt f d olf d by East End µ m t in bc d d d ¶ j i j h e als printed r hks issue. ¦ d lf d s cn was raised by r h r he d f d Felix · kr r and r he kr r elect i Ed ¸ f¹ d def dt d r r he timing Felix bc r si º»¼½¾¿À d dt . g he current r cp kr k n a do n d Friday release j d prevent up-t ldef f do n cpq i and j date news d d f d delay m b cr s c b cr ksg by at least a d f do n week. "We will e t m ck m y ld f f f d ld sm k r j h r h r it is j cr h sr kso nl d Á uing as a weekly b k pr k s i said Á ¸ f¹ d r s. g he Print Unit was creEd td ated by Felix i r Felix" i explained f d d d current kr r Jeremy g h m si t l d nf d "We are p ksg bc m i but s t o do n d f ksm c srp e s m . I r hksk it is a great m hp e r hpr i because r he o d d fef nd sk n hp s been able t p r he ¸ d d do nf Print h p int a trading r ri f l nd f r h y e simply m d it." d fef lo d ´ j ci r he km mm k ss nd l pr k i wit h Andy remained kb fld d dt Heeps c q skm ksg r he ckq kn r he d f print m h b; "I r hksk r hpt r h ce is a

d do n d mr c sg argument r hp t Felix m h }d dt d receive r he p ckr y r he bc t d l nd o do m ce - r h q h ceeds c m r he o d d f s y in r he end" i he it's all sk n said. g he Print Unit Manager i Andy  à ÄÅ Æ d Ç als seemed resigned d dt d t r he ÈÉÊ e r he bcksrm h b; Á e do n~ f l d µ k m i my initial c p r k n was d dt d f se kmp bb ksr sr i r hpt r he t nf o d Ë fef nd f dt dBs p k d sk s s b st d d lldo t take int p st r he requiredt d fef ments its Print Unit. ´ j ci t l r he print industry is pmr hp sq ksg do } d p r investment in and j kr h t tt d d n d s t s y equipment i but als mrp i ldo n d d ld f f we d never h be t b r . o f d f t § rh c c i i r he Print Unit were d do nf r t by t succeed as a trading d }d lldo p r p srm i r hks taking n do n d dt d be t r he detriment j r he o d Ë dl f f l sk s s clubs and m k r k m i j hk h d do n ld t l dt t my mind j d be a s k t

interest."

24 June 1998

NEWS

News in Brief... TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY?

;

Ă? ĂŒĂ? Ă? e start ĂŽ next term sees Ă? e Ă? Ă?Ă›Ă›Ăœ Ă? Ă“ Ă”Ă•Ă–Ă—Ă˜ Ă“ Ă• Ă‘Ă’ Ă‘ n ĂŽ Ă?Ă™ ĂšĂ? ÚÎ n Ă? wit Ă? Ă? an estimated ĂŽ Ăže Ă? ĂšĂ&#x;d ĂŽ stuĂ? ĂĄĂĄ dentsĂ›âpaying ÂŁ Ă Ă? 0 per year ĂŽ r Ă?Ă› Ă? Ăšr Ă™ãäĂ? ÚÎ Ăž. Current surveys Ăœ âè ĂŠ Ă? e stusuggest Ă? ä t ĂĽĂŽ t ĂŚĂŽĂ™ ç Ă› Ă? dents are in Ă? e dark ĂŁĂŽ Þã Ă&#x;ÞÚÞg Ă?Ă?Ă› Ă? Ă? Ă?ÛÛ Ă?Ă› ĂŽw Ă? e s will ä ĂŁ t Ă? ĂĽĂ? and Ă? Ă? Ă?Ă› ĂŤĂŹ ĂŽ w muc Ă? y will ĂŞ e t ĂŽ pay. Ă› Ă› Despite Ă­ĂŽĂŽ Ă&#x;Þü Ăžt assurances Ă? Ă? Ă?ÛÛ s will be means-testĂ? ät Ă? e Ă? Ă› Ă?Ă› Ă? ed ĂŻ Ă? Ăšr ĂŽĂŚ n ÚíÙ Ă&#x; s indicate Ă? ät â student numbers ĂŁĂŽĂ™ çd Ă&#x;ĂŽ p in Ă?Ă› Ă? Ă? e next w years as parents are ĂŒĂ? Ă? Ă?Ă›Ă›Ăœ reluctant t ĂŽ pay Ă? e . e Ă? Ă? NUS äs estimated Ă? ät universiĂ›Ă? Ă? ties ĂŁĂŽĂ™ çd be ç t wit ÂŁ31 ðùòòùó n Ă? Ă?Ă›Ă›Ăœ Ă? Ă? per year ĂŽ Ă›Ăœunpaid Ă? ĂŚ Úã Ă? á begs Ă? e Ă´Ă™ Ă? ÚÎ n Ăľ Ăś t will uniĂ? Ă? versities d ĂŽ wit students ĂŚ ĂŽ Ă›Ă? Ăœ Ă&#x; Ă™ e t ĂŽ pay? øÚúÝß d University made clear Ăœ Ă? Ăœ ĂŠĂž Ă› its ýÎ ĂšĂ? ÚÎ n ĂŽ n Ă? Ăšs Ă™ ĂŁ t last ĂŠ Ă? week. In plans Ă? ä t are ĂŽĂ™ Ăžd t ĂŽ Ă? Ă? upset students Ă? Ă? e University äs Ă? Ăż declared Ă? ä t it will expel ä Ăž ĂŽ Ăže ĂŠĂ›Ă? Ă? Ă? Ă? Ă? ĂŚ ĂŽ ä Ăšçs t ĂŽ pay ĂŽ Ă&#x;e Ă? e end ĂŽ Ă? Ă? Ăœ Ă? Ă? e ĂšĂ&#x; t term. Suc students will Ă? be denied all access t ĂŽ Ă? Ă?Ă?e Ă?Ă› ĂŤĂŹ University until Ă? y ĂŞ e paid ĂŽ Ă?Ă› Ă?Ă› Ă? Ăšr debt. Ă? r universities can be expected t ĂŽ take a similar Ă? Ă? stance Ă? ä çĂ? ÎÙí Imperial's n ĂŽ n Ă? Ă?e matter was Ă™ Ăž ÞÎÌ n Ă? at Ă? e time Felix went t ĂŽ press.

M U M

M I N WAGE ĂŤĂŹ

Britain is t ĂŽ ĂŞ e a minimum wage Ă? starting in April 1999. Last Ă› Ă› Ă? week Ă? e Ă­ĂŽĂŽ Ă&#x;Þü Ăžt accepted Ă› Ă› â Ă? Ă? Ă&#x; ĂŁĂŽ ĂĽĂĽ Ăž äĂ? ÚÎ Ăžs Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă? e ĂŽ w ĂœĂœ Ă? Pay ĂŽ ĂĽĂĽĂš ÚÎ n t ĂŽ set Ă? e miniĂ? mum wage at ÂŁ3.60 per ĂŽĂ™ Ă&#x;. Ă? â ĂŒĂ? e rate ĂŽ r 18 tĂŽ 21 year ĂŽ ç s will Ă› Ă? Ă› Ă› be çĂŽĂŚ Ă&#x;Ă? ĂŽĂŚ ĂŽ Ă&#x;Ă? starting at ÂŁ3.00 and rising t ĂŽ ÂŁ3.20 in June 2000. Under 18s will ÞÎ t be ĂŁĂŽĂŽ Ă? ered by Ă? e minimum wage. Ă› Ă› Ă? ĂŒĂ? e ä ÞÞÎÙ Þã ĂĽ Ăžt ĂŽ a minimum wage brings Britain in line Ă› Ă›Ăœ Ă? Ă?Ă› wit ĂŽĂ? r Ă™ Ă&#x;ĂŽ Ă˝ ä n ĂŁĂŽĂ™ ĂžĂ? Ă&#x;Ăš Ă? Ăœ Ă? Ă? ĂŤĂŹ Ă? Ă?Ă› ĂĽĂŽ t ĂŽ ĂŚ ĂŽ m ĂŞ e Úí r miniĂ? ĂŒ Ă?Ă› mum rates ĂŽ pay. Ă&#x;e are alsĂŽ nĂŽ plans t ĂŽ link Britain's minimum wage t ĂŽ s ĂŽ its actual Ă› value is likely t ĂŽ decline ĂŽĂŽ r time. Ă? Margaret Beckett Ă? President ĂŽ

Ă? Ă? Ă? Ă? e ĂŽä Ă&#x;d ĂŽ Trade Ă? äs denied Ă? Ă? Ă? ä t Ă? e minimum wage is a Ă› Ă›âèâ Ă› Ăœ Ă? Ă? ÌäĂ? Ă&#x; ĂŽĂŚ n ĂŽ Ă&#x; ÚÎ n ĂŽ Ă? e Ă­ĂŽĂŽ Ă?Ă›Ăœ ernment's üä ÞÚ Ă?ĂŽ pledge: In Ăœ Ă? ĂœĂ? Ă? e Ă? e ĂŽĂ™ e ĂŽ ĂŽ ĂĽ ĂĽĂŽ Ăžs Ă?Ă› Ă? claimed Ă? ä t it ĂŚĂŽĂ™ çd çp tw ĂŽ Ă› Ă? ðùòòùó n ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x; Ă&#x;s escape Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă› ýÎÎ Ă&#x;Ă? y pay". ĂœĂ› Ăœ ĂŒĂ? ýýĂŽ ĂšĂ? ÚÎ n e ĂŽ Ăž Ă&#x;ÎäĂ? ÚÎ e Ă› Ă? Ă? Ă? ä s criticised Ă? e ĂŁĂŽ Þã Ă˝t ĂŽ a Ă? minimum wage: Speaking in Ă? e Ă›â â n Ă? Ă? ĂŚĂŽĂŽ Ă?Ă? !Ă? â ä ĂŽ w President ĂŽ Ă? e ĂŽä Ă&#x;d ĂŽ Ă? Trade Ă? claimed Ă? ä t "a minimum wage ýÎ çÚã y will ÞÎ t ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x; . Ă›Ă? Ă› Ă› Ă? ĂŽ Ă&#x;e Ă? e ä ÞÞÎÙ Þã ĂĽ Ăžt was

made many small businesses Ă› Ă? were ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x;Ă&#x;Ăš d Ă? ä t a minimum Ă?Ă› Ă? Ăšr wage ĂŚĂŽĂ™ çd damage Ă? $ %& $ "# Ă?" Ă›' butĂ? Ă? e ÂŁ3.60 level is muc çĂŽĂŚ r Ă? ä n many expected. Ă? ( Ă›Ăœ Ă? ĂŽ Ă&#x; Ă&#x; ' Ă™ ÞÚÎ Ăžs ä d pressed ĂŽr Ă› Ă? ĂŽĂŽ r ĂŽ Ăže ýÎÙ Ăžd ĂĽĂŽ Ă&#x;e an ĂŽĂ™ Ă&#x;Ă? Ă?ÛÛ and many l betrayedĂœ by New ĂŠ Ă? Ă› ä ĂŽĂ™ Ă&#x;. Business Ă­Ă?Ă&#x;ĂŽĂ™ Ă˝ Ă? ĂŽĂŚ ĂŽ ĂŤĂŹ er Ă? ĂŞ e accepted Ă? e pay level as Ă› Ăœ ĂŠĂ› Ă&#x; ä ĂŽ Ăžä ç .

M O D LIKES A BIT âĂ›Ă?Ă› Ă›Ăœ ĂŠ Ăœ Ă? Ă› Þã e Ă?ä çĂš ĂĽ Ăžt in Ă›Ăœ Ă› Ăœ Ă? ĂŠĂ› Ă? Ă? ĂŽ Ă&#x;ĂŁ Ă? Ă&#x; ĂšĂ&#x;e äs ĂŁĂŽ ĂĽe Ă? e âĂœ Ă› Ăš ĂŁĂŽĂŽ r its latest ĂŁĂŽ üýä Ăžy t ĂŽ Ă› Ă› Ăż ÛÛ s are using ĂŁĂŽ üýÙĂ? Ă&#x;s üýçĂŽ â Ă? at ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x;k t ĂŽ ĂŽĂŚ ĂžçĂŽä d ýÎ Ă&#x;ÞÎí Ă&#x;ä Ă˝ y Ă? Ă? Ă? )ĂŽ Ă&#x;e Ă? ä n Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă? e internet.

A (

,-,, *+ 1 0 images were allegedly ./0 d during Ă&#x;ĂŽĂ™Ă? ÚÞe security Ă› Ă?Ă› ĂŁ ĂŁ s ĂŽ n ĂŁĂŽ üýÙĂ? r systems at Ă›Ă?Ă› Ă? and Ă? e 2 Ă? Þã e ÎäĂŒçĂ™äĂ? ÚÎ n Ă? Researc Agency. e agency is Ă? âĂ› Ă› 34567859:; e ĂŽ r Ă?ĂŽ çĂŽ ýÚÞg battle<=>? Ă› Ă? Ă? d Ă? ĂŁ ÞÎ çĂŽĂ­ y ĂŽ r Ă? e Ministry @ 2Ă›Ă?Ă› ÞãÛ : One ĂŁĂŽ üýÙĂ? Ă› Ă&#x;Ă? supĂœĂ› ýÎ

d t ĂŽ be used t ĂŽ ĂŁĂŽ ĂĽĂĽĂ™ ÞÚĂ? âĂ›Ă?Ă› cate wit Þã e experts ä Ă&#x;ĂŽĂ™ Ăžd â Ă? Ă? ĂŤĂŹ Ă? e ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x;ç Ă? was ĂŽĂ™ Ăžd tĂŽ ĂŞ e Ă? Ă?Ă› spent 7 0 % ĂŽ its last Ă? Ă&#x; e weeks' â â ĂŽ ĂžçÚÞe time ĂŽĂŚ ĂžçĂŽä ÚÞg images. ĂŒĂ?

Ăœ

e issue is ä çüĂŽ t certainly t ĂŽ be raised in parliament Ă? Ă? Ă? Ăšs week Ă? wit internet ýÎ Ă&#x;ÞÎí Ă&#x;ä Ă? Ă˝ y already being a Ă?ĂŽ ýÚãä l BCDEFE Ă? cal talking ýÎ ÚÞĂ? . Wit G Ă? e interĂ?Ă› Ă? Ăœ net ÞÎ w a regular äĂ?Ă™ Ă&#x;e ĂŽ ĂĽĂŽ t HIIJKLMN and Ă? Ă?e number ĂŽĂ? ýÎ Ă&#x;ÞÎ Ăœ â ĂŠ Ă? Ă?Ă› Ă­ Ă&#x;ä Ă˝ Ăšc ĂŽ r ĂŽĂ? Ă&#x;ĂŚ Ăš e Ă™ ÚÎÙ s Ă?Ă› Ă? websites rising O it is çt Ă? ä t legal Ăœ Ă?Ă› â ä Ă­Ă™ä Ă&#x; s must be put in place. ĂŠĂ› Ă? Ă? ĂŒĂ? e Ă˝Ă&#x;ĂŽ ç m ĂŽ ĂŽ w t ĂŽ regulate Ă› Ă› ÚÎ Ăžä l Ăž Ă?ĂŚĂŽ Ă&#x;k ĂŁ ĂŽ ĂĽ an ÚÞĂ? Ă&#x;ĂžäĂ? Ă? Ă? Ă› prised ĂŽ ĂĽĂšççÚÎ Ăžs ĂŽ ĂŁĂŽ üýÙĂ? Ă&#x;s Ăœ ĂœĂ? Ă? ä s yet t ĂŽ be äĂ? Ăš äãĂ?ĂŽ Ă&#x;Ăšçy answered.

A Ă• Ă‘Ă’g

IC Win UL Cricket Cup - Or D JEREMY

THOMSON

IC's cricket first team returned victorious from Motspur Park last Tuesday, after beating Royal Holloway by four wickets to take the University of London League Cup. Ă› Ă› Ă? Ă?Ă› ĂŽĂŚ ĂŽ Ă&#x;Ă? Ă? y are ÞÎ w äã ÚÞg n PQRSTUVQWQXUYQZ Ă? Ă› ä Ă? r a ĂŁ ĂŽ ĂĽĂ? Ă? plaint Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă? e Ăż ĂŽ ä l y team Ă?ĂŽ ççĂŽÌä Ă? Ă?Ă› äd Ă? ät Ă? y [ \] ^_] d ringers Ă? in Ă? e `abcd. Ă› ĂŒĂ? e ĂŁĂŽ ĂžĂ? Ă&#x;ĂŽĂŽ Ă&#x;sy is centred ĂŽ n 1C batsman Ă? Imran eĂ› äÛÞĂ? Ă? ĂŚ ĂŽ ĂŽĂ˝ Ăž d ĂŠ Ă› Ă? Ăž Ăœ play but was ĂŽĂŚ ç d ĂŽĂ™ t ĂŽr Ă™ t Ă? ĂŽ Ăže run. Mr e ä n is a medical stuâ Ăż dent and Ă? äããĂŽ Ă&#x; ÚÞg t ĂŽ ĂŽ äl Ăż Ă?ĂŽ ççĂŽÌä Ă? is ÞÎt Ă›eligible tĂŽ play in Ă? e Imperial ĂŽ çç Ă­ e team Ă? despite Ă?Ă› Ă? Ă? Ă? e äãt St Mary's did ÞÎ t Ăš çd a Ă? team Ă? Ăšs year. Ă? â ĂŒĂ? ĂŽ ĂŽ Ăž ĂŽ n f ÞÚÎ n e University â Ă› Ă› Ăœ ĂŽ s ÞÎ t yet Ă&#x; ĂŁĂŽĂ­ ÞÚ e ICSM as Ă? Ă› Ă› Ă? Ă? part ĂŽ Imperial ĂŽ çç Ă­ Ă? ä çĂ? ÎÙí Ă? Ă&#x;ĂŽ m next year medical students

? Ă?

will be able t ĂŽ play ĂŽ r IC teams Ă?Ă› Ă?Ă› ĂŚ Ă&#x;e Ă? Ă&#x;e is nĂŽ alternative. As Ă? Ăœ Ă? e ĂšĂ?Ă™äĂ? ÚÎ n is ÞÎ t clear Ă? a ULU Ă› ĂŁĂŽ ĂĽĂĽĂšĂ?Ă? e will meet t ĂŽ examine Ă? Ă? Ă? Ă? e rules ĂŽ Ă? e league. Ă?

Ă?ä Ă&#x;çĂšeĂœ ghijk l DP(C&5) Ăœ â m said Ă? Ă? ä t Ă? e ĂšĂ?Ă™äĂ? ÚÎ n is Ă&#x;Ăš ÚãÙ çĂŽĂ™ . Ă? qr "He n çüĂ&#x;ä n op ] ä s been playing st Ă? Ă?Ă› vwxy e r Ă? Ă&#x; e ĂŽr ĂŽĂ™ r years Ă? and u p ĂŁ ĂŽ ĂĽnever ĂŠĂ›Ă? Ă› z ĂŽĂ&#x; " plained Andy Heeps Ă? ICU President Ă? Ă? Ă?Ă› went Ă™ Ă&#x;Ă? Ă&#x;; Ă? "It's typical ĂŽ Ă? } {| y ULU" Ă? e Ă? said ~ "as är as Ă› Ă›â I'm ĂŁĂŽ Þã Ă&#x;Ăž Ă? we're keeping Ă? Ă? e cup." In a recent

âĂ› Ă› Ă› ĂŽ çĂŽ ýü ĂžĂ? Ă? it Ă? Ă? ä s ÞÎ w been revealed Ă? ä t Mr Ă› Ă? Ă› Ă? e ä ĂžĂ?s Ă˝ Ă&#x; ĂŽ Ă&#x;üä Þã e in a Ă˝Ă&#x; ĂŽ ÚÎÙ s ĂŤĂŹ matc may ĂŞ e been ĂĽĂŽ Ă&#x;e € Â‚ƒ„Ă? Ă? Ăœ ential. Apparently Ă? a ĂŁĂŽ Ă&#x;e ĂŽ ĂŽ Ă&#x;Ă? y Ă? ĂœĂ› Ă? Ă? ĂŚ Ăšçe playing ĂŽ r Ă? e IC ĂŁĂŽ Ăžd ĂŤĂŹ team ĂŁĂŽĂ™ çd ĂŞ e prevented an all ĂŽ ççĂŽÌä y `abcd. For a report page 58

…† ‡ˆ‰ Š‹‡Œˆ�

see

ÂŁ2.5m Motspur Sale DAVID

ĂŒĂ?

Ă?

ROBERTS

Ă?

Ă?

Ă?

e ÚÞä l meeting o Ă? e year ĂŽr Ă? University o London Union Council Ă? Ă? Ă? saw Ă? e sale o Motspur Park Ă? Ă? e Ă? Ă? ULU sportsground and one o Ă? e Union's biggest assets. ĂŒĂ? Ă? e sale äs been in negotiaĂ? Ă? Ăœ tions all year Ă? ever since Ă? e ĂšĂ&#x; t Ă?Ă?Ă› Ă? Ă? ĂŽ Ă&#x;s ĂŽ r Ă? e ground were received Ă? Ă? Ă? ÂŽĂ™Ă?ç äm FC and Â?byÂ?‘Ă? ’“‘e Union. Bot Ă? Ă? a FC Ă? ĂŚ o wis Ă? to use Ă? e Ăż ground as a training äã ĂšçĂšĂ? Ă? subĂ? mitted bids well above Ă? e valuaĂ? tion made by Ă? e University. Ă?Ă?Ă› Ă? Ă? Ă? However Ă? Ă? e ĂŽ r Ă&#x;ĂŽ m ÂŽĂ™ ç ä m (owned Ă› by Harrods boss Ă? Ă? )ĂŽ ä ĂĽĂĽ d al Fayed) äs been Ă? ĂŠ Ă? viewed as more äÎĂŽĂ™ Ă&#x;ä çe by Ă? e Union's negotiators - importantly Ă? Ă? ÂŽĂ™ ç äm pledge to ensure Ă?noĂ?reduction in student usage o Ă? e site. Ă? Ăœ Ă? Consequently Ă? ĂŚ Ăšç t Ă? e Union Ă? Ă? Ă? stands to Ă˝Ă&#x;ĂŽ Ăšt to Ă? e tune o ÂŁ2Ă? Ă? 2.5 million Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă? e sale Ă? and save •– ˜˜ up to ” — 0 on annual mainte-

Ă›Ăœ Ă? Ă? Ă? nance ĂŁ ä Ă&#x;Ă­ Ă? a rental ĂŁ ä Ă&#x;Ă­ e o ĂœĂ? Ăž Ăœ Ă™ t ÂŁ5000 a year ĂŽĂ™ çd see no Ă? Ă? ĂŁ ä Þí e in student activity at Ă? e

site.

ĂŒĂ?

Ă?

e meeting questioned Ă? e Ă› Ă? proposal at ç ÞíĂ? Ă? expressing conĂ? Ă? cern at Ă? e long tern implicationsĂ?o Ă? Ă? e sale. However Ă? a guarantee o a Ă? Ă? percentage o any Ă˝Ă&#x;ĂŽ ĂšĂ? s generatĂ? Ă? Ă? Ă?Ă› ed by a Ă™ Ă&#x;Ă? r sale o Ă? e ground Ă? Ă? ĂŚ ĂšĂ? Ăšn Ă? e next twenty years Ă? Ăœ ĂŒĂ? appeased Ă? ĂŽ e present. e Ă? o ULU Ă? Siva Ă›Ăœ Ă? Û⠙President Ă? äĂž ä Ăž ä ĂžĂ? also promised Ă? ät Ă? Ă? all proceeds Ă&#x;ĂŽ m Ă? e sale will be Ă? set aside to Ă™ Ăžd a new sports š›œÂ?ž Ă? Ă? ity Â&#x; ĂŚ Úã will probably be a new Ă? Ă? sports ä çl in Ă? e Bloomsbury area.

Ă? Ă? Ă? e A vote on Ă? e proposal è Ă?Ă› Û⠙ Ă›Ăœ Ă? gave Ă­ĂŽ ä ä d to Mr ä Ăž ä Ăž ä n to  98ÂĄ;95 Ă? Ă? Ă? e e details o sale. ĂœĂ? Contracts ĂŽĂ™ çd be completed Ă? Ă? Ă? and signed by Ă? e end o Ă? e sumĂ? Ă? mer Ă? so Ă? ä t Ă? Ă? e deal can be comĂ? pleted in time ĂŽr Ă? e new academ-

ic year.

24 June 1998

N O T THE NEWS

Even Numbers Outlawed ROSS

£

NEWELL

IC High Command has proposed a plethora of radical cost-cutting exercises including the outlawing of even numbers. ¢£ e new ruling is causing a stir £ ¢£ all over ¤ e college. £ e new sys-¥ tem will replace ¤ e even digits including even digits in decimal £ £ numbers ¦ wit ¤ e Greek letter ¢£ lambda (X). e ruling does not yet £¨ cover 0 § but ¤ s is likely to be £ included in ¤ e next wave during ¢£ £ £ ¤ e summer. ©s ¤ e old digits 2 § 4 § 6 § 8 will all be replaced by X, X, X, X.

¢£

e decision comes ª«¤¬ r £ Imperial again made a loss in ¤ e £ 2nd quarter. IC's ­ ª®e price «¬¯l by ¨³ £ almost 2 0 % as °± ²« ¬ ²° e in ¤ e ¢£¨ college ´µ¶¶. s was compounded

by a rise in cost by ¤ e suppliers ¸¹ student prices · e gone up by £ £3.45 per kilogram over ¤ e past 3 £ º±²¤ s and prices are still rising. ¢£ only pur£e ¨ICHC is considering £ °£ ª­ ²g 8 5 % o« ¤ e normal intake in ¤ e coming year. £ It is estimated ¤ ª t 15% o« all Imperial's academic spending (3% » £ o total spending) is on ¤ e use o« ¢£ £ £ even numbers. e move ª s ª d positive reactions « ®± m all over col¢£ £ lege. e ¼ª¤ s Department § rep½resented ¾¿ ÀÁ ¿ ÃÄ by M r C Broker o« Å said £ £ "We are really pleased wit ¤ e move § as it will reduce our workload by X0%". ¢£ reception ¬®e was £ also £a positive ¨ « ®± m ¤ e ¼¬° ª ² °ª l Engineering department § represented by M r C £ ¨ ³ £ Broker « ®± m Æ ¬®« ¬¯ § Ç o said È¢£¨ s is great as all our plans auto-

Briefly... £

É

matically convert ¤ ¬ º­¬¯ ¬ s « ®± m £ imperial units to metric... ¤ ±­ e metric units always puzzled us". M r £ £ C Broker § speaking on ʬ ª¯« o« ¤ e Computing Department § commented "We only use zeros and ones anyway". £ However § despite ¤ e move ¨¨ £ being ±«« ° ª¯¯y approved by ¤ e £ £ departments § ¤ ¬®e ª s been some £ criticism by ¤ e Union. Miss D Foster standing in «±r Mr C Broker È¢£¨ £ £ said s is a big blow bot «±r ¤ e Union and «±r students generally. ¸¹ Student grants ¢£¨· e £¨ now £ s will t ¤ e decreased by XXX. £ ³ Í ÎÍ ÏÏÏ students " Mr C ª® . ËÌ Broker returned to relieve Miss D È¢£ Foster and carried on e Union is ÐÑ ÒÓÔ ÕÖÑ £ d by ¤ e decision and will £ support ICHC all ¤ e way."

NEWS FEATURE

p Maintenance Failing Britain has a long and proud history in sheep maintenance. As recently as 1968, the world-leading companies were all based in the UK. Yet foreign competition has caused the practice to all but die out. Newell investigates...

£¨

can we ª««±®d to ignore an industry £ wit a turnover o« £350 brillion per annum? è ³¨ ¨ 箬 © °e is not °± ²« ²¬ d to government and commercial inter£ ests; indeed § ¬®e at Imperial § a

£

Britain lags ʬ ²d ¤ e world in £ many ways § but none more so ¤ ª n £ £ ¤ e vital area o« Æ ¬¬£p Maintenance. Britain § one o« ¤ e £¨ £ pioneers o« ¤ s important area § ª s neglected it «± r too long. £ £ Æ ¬¬ p Maintenance £¨ in× Britain ¢£ ª s a long ­¤± ® . £ e Fundamental Principle o « Æ ¬¬ p Maintenance was developed at ¨ Cambridge University by Sir ¼ ¯«± ®d ¢£ £ Haven in 1902. ¬ n in ¤ e 1970s Ø £ £ £ Ç ¬ n ¤ e world ª d all but «± ®Ù ±¤ Ü ten Ú Û p Main § Margaret Terrace o« £ Imperial College laid down ¤ e ³ ¨ Ü © «±£ ² ª¤£±²s «±r modern£ Ú Û p Main Ç ¬ n ­ e developed ¤ e now legendary Terrace equation.

£ £ É ±Ç¬ ¬ ®§ r ÝÞßà á »âãäÆåã± ®¤ ¯y ª«¤¬ Ü g «±r Ú Û p Main in Britain all £ £ but disappeared. æ y is it ¤ ª t £ Ü Ç ¬ n Ú Û p Main started to£ break even § Britain ignored it? æ y did £ £ £ Britain look ¤ e ±¤ ¬ r way Ç ¬ n Ü Ú Û p Main could be seen to be a

serious commercial venture? It £ £ comes down to pride; ¤ e Britis £¨ £ people ¤ ²k ¤ ¬ y are too good «±r Ü lowly Ú Û p Main. Government and Ü Businesses see Ú Û p Main as an ¨ ¨ industry «±r ²«¬® ± r countries § but

Thanks to cuts and underfunding, even prize young specimens like these are being left to suffer rusting, exhaust problems and infrequent oil changes

£

£

to compete wit Barcelona § Ç ±­ e £ Ú ÛÜ p £ Main Dept ªs a missile launc centre and two Cray super£ £ computers î Ç ¬ n our own ªs only ¨ a box o« soggy « ®¬Ç±®ïs and a £ Commodore 64 wit a broken 't' key? ¢£ e under investment in Britain ¨ is not °± ²« ²¬ d to Imperial § £ Ü ª s an Cambridge Ú Û p M a i n equally small budget and is «± ®°¬ d £ to use a bus ­ ¬¯¤¬ r to lecture 1st ¢ £¨ year students. s problem is £ compounded by Simon Baker § Ç o £ £ £ ¨É uses ¤ e ­ ¬¯¤¬ r to teac 40 « e year olds to read using yesterday's £ Ü copy o « ¤ e Sun. ðñ«± ®d Ú Û p £ £ Main ò among ±¤ ¬ ®­ § ª s been £ ¨ taken over by ¤ e ºª« a to be used as a money laundering business.

¢£¨

£

£

s is one o« ¤ e problems ¤ e £ © government ­ ± ¯d by tackling £ ¬ª d on. Will we stand aside and Ü let our ailing Ú Û p Main industry ¨ ¨ ¨ ¨ ³ ¨ collapse or will we stand up and place renowned «± r ­° ¬²¤ « c ² « - Á ¾ ó t back? ¢£e Britis £ ÚÛÜ p Main ë «¬®¬²° know éê t I mean) § £ £ e (you è ©³¨ Ü ¤ ¬®e is Ú Û p Main 쮬 °¬ . One industry needs your ¬¯ì. £ need only look at Imperial's You must stand up and say ¤ ªt £ £ Ü £ ¨ accounts to see ¤ ª t ¤ e Ú Û p Main you appreciate ¤ ¬ r work. You ¨¨ £ £ £ © ³ © ³ department is seriously ² ¬ ®« ² - must buy ô® ¤ ­ § even ¤ ± ©Ù ¢£ £¨ £ Ü Ù ed. ¬r quality prod£¨ e budget «±r IC ÚÛ p Main Japan makes ¤ s year is only ££4.32 and a ucts at lower prices § you must supÉ ± © ° ¬ ®§ Ç £¬ ®¬ª s port ¤ £e Britis £ economy. ¢£¬®e is McDonald's £ £ Ü Princeton USA Ú Û p Main ª s a still time to put Britain at ¤ e top o« £ budget o« £25.3 quillion and its ¤ e pack again § but time is running £ own nuclear power station. We are out «ª­t and ¤ e competition is £ £ Ü seeing ¤ e best Britis Ú Û p Main strong. £ ³í£© ¨ students ¬ª ²¤¬ d by «±®¬ Ùn universities. How are we supposed

NEW MASCOT ANNOUNCED

£

A new College initiative ªs named serial killer Bob Goodwin £ © ¨¨ (34) as ¤ e new ² « ¬ d college £ mascot. He will replace all ¤ e CCU mascots to reduce costs. Bob will attend college events £ suc as inter-university «±±¤Êª ¯l £ Ù games and University õ ª¯¯¬² e £ ºª¤° ¬­ . He will ±««¬ r moral support ö encouragement and £ will execute any member o« ¤ e £ enemy/opposition Ç o causes an obstacle to IC's team's d o m £ £ Ù ª º¬ ÷ºª¤° / ination o « ¤ e world.

¢£ ¬­ e rules are £ due to come into ¬««¬° t at ¤ e start o« next £ term ø but ¤ ¬®e is still time to è £ ±Ê ¬°t to £ ¤ £e proposals. Future cuts o ¤ e cards include a £ reduction in ¤ e number o «

allowable dimensions on campus ù revoking Newton's 2nd and 3rd laws § and eventual relocation to Inverness o« all non-critical (academic) departments.

FOUL STENCH £

Academic researc was severely ª««¬°¤¬ d³ on ¨ Friday § as£a noxious aroma ® «¤¬ d over ¤ e entirety » £ £ o ¤ e Sout Kensington § campus. Initially § it was believed £ £ ¤ £ªt ¤ e£ odour ¨ emanated « ®± m ¤ £e õ ¬ º ­¤ ®y department § are Ç ¬ ®e certain members £ engaged in researc into non£ £¨ × aromatic ¬¤¬ ®¬±° °¯¬­ § but ¤ s £ £ proved to be «ª¯­ e Ç ¬ n ¤ e real £ © source o « ¤ e smell was «± ²d £ ¨ to be ¤ e RCSU ±«« °¬ . ú ûün £ questioned about ¤ e odour § ¨ £ £¨ ±«« ®s denied ¤ £ªt it £was ¤ ¬ r ýþÿ °¬ claiming ¤ ª t ¤ e £ £ £ recent spell o« ± t Ǭª¤ ¬ r ª d caused £ ¤ e sewer system£ to overload. £ É ú ûün pressed § £ ±Ç¬ ¨ ¬ ®§£ ¤Ù ¬y É did admit to not ª ²g ° ª ² ¬ d £ ¨ £ £ ¤ ¬ r ° ¯±¤£ ¬ s «±r ¤ e past two and a ª¯« years. Disgusted § £ ¨ Security closed ¤ e ±«« °¬ § and ¨Ù ¨ © began « º ª¤ ± n procedures. ³¨ ¢£ e ±««¬ ² ²g parties were sent ¸¹ to St Mary's Hospital to · e £ ¨ £ ¤ ¬ r ° ¯±¤ ¬ s surgically removed and incinerated. Helen-Louise Windsor is 35.

24 June 1998

S

%

Letters to Felix...

U n i o n A G M Ends i n Farce

i

12

GENUINE LETTER

if

_

Dear Felix $ % Hmmm. 1 # d always t Simon Baker as mearly a y student wit a big . But now it turns out t & s a world-class * economist as well. Wow ' ( ) t a man! Yours $ A. R. +,-./ e

Remember; I 0 e 3 #e negatives $ let's talk business. Ever yours $ G H I*J * ) n Trout $ Features Editor 1997-8

M I N I M U M WAGE RIP-OFF

big organised crime e bosses will probably continue to live ! lenged in numbers 1 0 and 11. Yours $ Antoine Jeanson

DIVINE ENGINEERING

Sir 45 12 e last w weeks 0 e seen Dear Felix $ Last week's announcement by e Genetic Engineering debate Margaret Beckett t 3 #e mini- increase in pace $ !>s largely to ! l comments by HRH mum wage will be ÂŁ3.60 r most some 4; . Denouncing 3 #e r e Prince workers but only ÂŁ3.00 Sir, 12 o genetics as playing God As a regular contributor $ 1 0 e between 18 and 21 is ! r kick science 8 is y accurate and $ in my mind Q in my e years at Imperial so r in e balls r us & . an insult to ! c religions. Due to be & d in' between restrained m correspondence wit 3 #e letters page. s being next April and June 2000 K s pro- Does 3 #e Prince !k medical 4 posal will t some vulnerable intervention at car accidents is also4 e last issue o e year and $ i my exams were as bad as y may groups e.g. students $ e trying a little too divine? Or $ like muc o @ 12 well 0 e been $ potentially my last $ to d down a starting b or even e population $ is #e simply disM NO P e on 3 #e missing !g as evil because 1 pray your indulgence in allowing raise a young y L 8 45 4 w words $ i I may ' on 3 #e New Deal will get 4 !g - e s to understand it? Genetic me inaugural ICU Summer Ball. 1 wis ent again). So 7 o e is Engineering $ like all new ! % to be misto !k e organising team r an only wort ÂŁ3.00 an ? Even e gies R # s 3 #e potential 8 outstanding 6 ! ; r Union's basic rate is ÂŁ3.65 and used. It also s 3 #e possibility o reducing disease and ! r work was exemplary and deserves &s not taxed. 12 reward. e Alexandra Palace was Young people 0 e always been t e world $ !g I 8 a 7 ! l venue $ 3 #e d out- exploited (re: 3 #e d labour e e Prince would applaud $ yours as a biologist S standing and 3 #e entertainment uproars) but to institutionalise s Ed Sexton $ Felix Editor Elect superb. Minor gripes $ $ as all situation is criminal. It sounds like good letters must 6 . 9 #e bus Mrs Beckett will y be getting company $ : #o promised to send r come-uppance but like most sixteen buses $ provided only . s made transport more n a 4; little trying. M y main reason r writing $ was 3 #e appaling 4 o our outgoing 6 r President $ Mr Andrew Heeps. < r a competent and largely l year in $ and a pleasing post = 8 !! r speec !> !g 3 #e organisers $ M r Heeps' conduct 15a Harrington Road grew steadily worse. ? !g over e outgoing ICSM President (Miss South Kensington London SW7 3ES @ Katie Armstrong) r e y o (1 Minute walk from South Kensington Tube) e ! $ #As amorous attentions turned to #As male company $ and C U T &c B L O W D R Y e was seen wit s tongue down e t $ amongst $ bot BY O U R T O P STYLISTS Deputy Presidents $ a ULU Sabbatical $ 3 #e Publication Board $ e Council r and ! tunately $ s corre! ! e Normal Price ÂŁ30 spondent. He sang coarse songs 4; and danced solo r 3 #e entire @ return coac ! $ and was described by one !d as being 8 "utterly $ utterly $ utterly > . 9 #e 12 man could not 0 e been any more 6 r drunk." Is s e proper 4; r our Union? o an ambassador Or 3 #e sad demise 7 many would accompany 3 #e t gradual move back to e rigours o medical studies? 1 !k t we B CDE F ACCESS VISA M A S T E R C A R D C A S H CHiQUtS d be told. Good luck Andy:

HEEPS 'FUCKED'

Issue 1119 24 June 1998 www .su.ic.ac.uk/Felix

Road. London. SW7 2BB. Internal tel: 58072 : 48072. External tel & : 0171 594 8072 48086. externa): 01 71 504 8080. Email: k Felix is produced

r and on

o Imperial College Union Publication Board. Felix is a registered newspaper ISSN 1040 - 0 7 1 !

c

t Š Felix l >98. s remain wit i s. c

Printed at East End

.

Bromley-by-Bow London F.3 3LT. e 0171 538 2521 Fax 0171 538 0018 :

Editor: Jeremy n News Editor: Ed Sexton. c Editor:

Jason ! n and Atok " #a Film Editor: David Roberts Arts Editor: Julia Harries Literary Editor: William Lorenz Sports Editor: Jake !e Games Editor: Mark Baker Delivery last issue: Antoine Jeanson & David Roberts.

Hair saloN

ÂŁ15 ÂŁ13

LADIES MEN

3

Telephone

j

8

24 June 1998

NOTICES A N D EDITORIAL

Editorial

r n

yz

The Centre for Computing Services (CCS) regrets to inform you that all computing/network services normally provided via the main CCS Computer Room/Network Control Centre, based in the Mechanical Engineering Building on the South Kensington campus, will be unavailable during the weekend beginning 17.00 on Friday July 10th.. It is planned to have services restored by 09.00 on Monday July 13th. Given the very complex and integrated nature of the College computing and network facilities it is highly likely that if you do come into College that weekend you will only be able to use your computer system to run its own local applications. There will be N O ACCESS to any CCS or external computing/network services from on campus nor to any College computing/network services from off campus. Examples of services affected are: Access to the wide area network via Super-Janet Central servers e.g. FTP server, Tex font server, Exchange/Outlook Mail Departmental clusters that authorise against the IC domain E-mail servers e.g. Charing X, Brompton, Administration, Library Networked services e.g. dial-up services, DNS, the Mail relays Web servers e.g. College, Library, Student union, School of Medicine Administration services e.g. MISE, Administration Web Library services e.g. Libertas, ERL server, CD Rom server, public PCs This loss of service is occurring because the entire power supply to the Mechanical Engineering Building, which houses the C C S , will be switched off for electrical safety checking at the request of the College's Estates Division. Given the problems caused by switching off the electrical supply for maintenance work, only limited maintenance has been completed since 1984. It is now essential to do a thorough check of each building to ensure that the College meets its legal obligations under the Health and Safety at Work Act. These inspections will be carried out in all Campus buildings over a period of time, it is the turn of the Mechanical Engineering Building on the weekend shown. Should you require further information please contact Arthur Spirling a.spirling@ic.ac.uk

HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS

HAIR CUT

Ladies and gentlemen w I x e {|}~ . A year ago w Imperial College was a place x e students' interests were not represented on e key planning and development committees; it was a place x e y students could w l and even disappear x t any reac tion or apparent concern m x r department; and it was a disparate and uninterested community x e xe union existed in name but not in spirit. Now w e situation is exactly y e same. x s is my . Not because I a m responsible w but y because it was my aim to x e x w and instead I spent e x my time gluing x s x w swearing at salesmen w completing petty cas x claims and emptying xe y dustbin. In x w I was r to busy running a newspaper to actually y . use it r x

x

yz x

O all xe x s I e consisy tently d to do over e last y y year w one o xe omissions x t x s surprised me most is my total yz ure to x e any more idea about x w Imperial College actually y works x n I d i d x n I still y Friday down x xt x t x s xe union were pretty neat back in xe t year.

tion; I imagined being able to swagger about Suite Five greeting pro-rectors by x r t name and slapping xe college secretary on xe back and asking x m about x s y ; I x e was xt x t i x y anybody o would know x t y y was x g ¡ e it x w it would be me. I can come up wit x plenty o y good reasons y x s y y w not least x t didn't x I y already x d seventy x s a week ¢ o less important x s to deal £¤ ¥¦ § and almost go sued at e beginning o xe year. xe real rea x son ¨s g to do wit x x . d xe real reason xy 1 never y out x t was going on w y lan Caldwell doesn't even recognise me and xy I never met xe rector y is x t I didn't actually w all x s considered © want to.

d ideas For all my x xª and idealistic editorials w xe trut x is y x t I'm really not interested. 1 don't really care. I don't like «¬­ ®¯ °±­² y ³ and I don't want it. As r as I'm concerned w you lot deserve all you get. Goodbye ³ and good riddance. I'm r a good sleep r xe rest ¢ o my ´µ¶·.

I expected to understand e s o e administra-

Jeremy

y y x

x

.

Editor w 1997 - 8, apparently.

S o u t h East A s i a n S t u d e n t s f r o m

Indonesia,

Korea. Malaysia and Thailand

£8.00

UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX

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e been unable to meet the eos of your tuition fees thi> year, some help may be available to you. Make an appointment i " >ee Martin Thomson the ICU Advisor. Available in 1CU Offices, Bcil Quad 9am t<> 5pm weekdays. If you

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24 June

COLUMNS

1998

SCIENCE IS COMING H O M E By Colin Dale Ă„

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Ăœ

ĂŽ

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Ă„ Ă’ĂŠ Ă?

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'Naturally we distance ourselves Ă„ Ă?Ă… Æ ĂŽ Ă° Ă?Ă’ ĂŠĂ‹ ĂŽĂ… ĂŒ Ă? m kind o . Ă‘ s Ă‘ Ă„Ă’ Obviously it's OK to get a w beers ĂŽĂ? in Ă• Ă‘ e reciting your best loved Æ ĂŽ Ă„ equations Ă” but Ă‘ sÆ kind oĂ… Ă? mindless Ă„ barbarism brings Ă‘e Ă• Ă‘ e o science into disrepute.' Ăœ alerted Ă” and Ă‘e Registry was Æ ĂŽ ĂˆĂ‰ e Ă‘ s year Ă” stringent measures Ç been taken to prevent a repetition Ă„ Ă° o previous trouble. ÆMembers o ĂŠĂŒĂ† Ă… Ă?ÎÆ Ă“ ÆÊÄÄ ĂˆĂ‰ Ă‘ Ç e been given Ă‘e y to detain any student seen carrying Ă° large numbers o textbooks in a suspicious manner Ă” and known ĂŠ ĂˆĂ‰ troublemakers Ç e Ă‘ d special Æ Ă’ĂŽ Ă‘ codes imprinted on r Æ Ă’ swipecards to stop Ă‘ m gaining entry to Ă? Ăže more important ĂŠ Ă?Ă? Æ Ă’ papers. Exam Ă‘ s and lecture Ă‘ ĂŠ Ă? Ă… Ă…Ă? Ăš ĂˆĂ‰ Ă‘ Ç atres e been declared Ă„ Ă?Ă’ e zones. However Ă” many lawĂ„ĂŠ Ă– Æ ĂŽ abiding science s see Ă‘ s as an ĂŽ Ă–Ă„ Ă?ĂŽ Ă–Ă™ Ă’ Ă° Ă’Ă– t o civil liberties and Ă˜ Ă… Ă?ĂŠ Ă’Ăš t to being 'treated like animals' Ă’ ĂŠĂ‹ ĂŠ Ă–Ă— Ă’ Ă‘ by Ă‘ d invigilators. ButÆ it Ă„ĂŠĂš Æ ĂŠ Æ ĂŽ Ă„ is a sad t Ă‘ t Ă‘ s may be Ă‘e Ă„ Ă?ĂŽĂ’ Ă–Ă— Ă? ground splinter group o Maxwell Ă„ĂŠ Ă–Ă“ only way to stop y rivalry Ă” Ă• Ă‘o planned to run riot all Ă„ Ă?Ă… Æ Ă?Ă… Ă“ Æ Ă’ Æ m escalating into all-out war as Æ Ă„ Æ over Ă‘e campus wearing Ă‘ Ă„Ă… Ă„ĂŠ Ă– we approac Ă‘ Ă‘e climax o Ă‘e acaic beards Ă” looking r Ă„rival s to ĂŠ Ă?Ă“ Æ Ă„Ă„ ĂŽĂš ĂŽĂŠ demic year. Ă‘Ă” o Ă‘e Ăž beat up. Mark l ĂŠĂŠ Ă’ Ă˜ s Clerk Maxwell Fan Club said

e were s Ă‘ t Ă‘ s year Ă” Ă‘ w ust as many o us support a - ly every time someone says 'Fourier Æ Ă„ĂŠĂ‹Ă…ĂŒ Ă?ÎÆ Ă˝ Ăœ Ă?ĂŠ Ă–Ă“ Ă„Ă… Ă? Ă’Ă“ ĂˆĂ‰ Ă‘ e ugly scenes would once again I Ă„Ă… ball team and Ç e our e Ă˜. Ă„ Ăœ Ă’Ă? ÅÆ Ă?ĂŠ Ă? Ă’ Ă?Ă… Ă’Ă“ Ă” so too do we all I l Ă‘ Ă„ĂŠĂ‹Ă…ĂŒ Fans may occasionally become be upon us. ĂŽĂ™ Ă‘Ă? e were reports o Ă?ÎÆ Ă° Æ Ă’ nave our own e scientists. 1 rowdy Ă” but most o Ă‘ m are a new and Ă‘ Ă‘ y subversive underĂŽĂ?Ă’ ĂˆĂ‰ e Ă• Ă‘ d away many an evening Ç Ă„ Ă?ĂŽĂ’ Ă–Ă— Æ talking wit Ă‘ s about Ă‘e truly Ă„ ĂŠĂ™ Ă– ĂŽĂ„ ÎÚÒ Ă– Ă˜ t work o Albert Einstein. Ă„ ĂŽ ĂˆĂ‰ I Ç e a big poster o Ă?Ă‘ m on my Æ Ă‹ Ă’ Ă’ Ă–Ă’ Ă’ wall Ă› and Ă• Ă‘ r Ă‘ e is a proĂŽ gramme about Ă‘ m on TV I wear my ĂŽĂš Ă„ special Einstein wig Ă” Ă• Ă‘ Ă‘ is one o my most treasured possessions. Ăœ ĂŽ Ă‘ s is aĂ„Ă…particularly exciting Ă„ Ă„ĂŠ Ă–Ă“ Ă” time o year r avid science because Ă? Ăže exams bring Ă? Ăže Ă„ Ă„Ă… promise o glory and success. I r Ă„ one get worked up into a state o Ă&#x; Ă ĂĄ âã Æ Æ Ă…ĂŒĂ™ äå d excitement at Ă‘eÆ Ă‘ Ă‘t Æ ĂŠ Ă‘ t questions relating to Ă‘e work Ă„ Ă? ĂŽĂ™ Ă’ o my greatest Ă‘ o Ă˜ Ă‘t come up Æ ĂŽ Ă„Ă… I'm sure I speak r ĂĽ ĂŚ ç è Ă‘ s year. Ă„ ÅÆ Ă’ Ă’ sands o Ă‘ r students Ă• Ă‘ n I say Æ ĂŠ Æ Ă— Ă’ Ă„ ĂŽ Ă– ÎÆ Ă’ Ă? y Ă‘e Ă‘ t May and June are IC Students flock to see the final of the Bose-Einstein equation compeÆ Ă?ĂŽĂ?Ă?ĂŽ Ă– Ă… ÖÆ Æ Ă‘s in Ă‘e calenmost Ă‘ gĂ˜ tition. Sadly, scenes like this may disappear as Sky TV plan to make the dar. matches pay-per-view. IndeedÊÊÔÅ Ă? Ăže exam period is Æ ĂŠ ĂŠĂ? Ă?Ă’Ă“ ĂŠ ĂŒĂ“ suc Ă‘ a Ă˜ r event Ă‘ t it can be essentially Ă‘ Ă˜ s and are t Æ Ă„ Ă„Ă… ĂŠ ĂŒ ÓÆ ĂŽĂ„ y Ă‘e inclusion o all out r a good time. However Ă” in used to Ă„ ĂˆĂ‰ manner o pointless statistics: dur- recent years we Ç e seen Ă? Ăže Æ Ă° ĂŽĂ™ Ă? ĂŤĂŤ ing Ă‘e Ă„summer term Ă” ĂŞĂ” 0 stu- Æemergence o aĂ…new Ă…and Ă‘ Ă‘ y Ă?Ă’ ÊÆ Ă’ Ă– ĂŽ Ă– Ă’Ă– Ă’Ă– Ă– Ă‘ Ă˜ dents o all nationalities will take g Ă‘ : science approximately 2 5 0 exams at . Some students take Æ ĂŽ Ă–Ă™ Ă„ĂŠ venues all across Ă? Ăže campus. s too r and are determined Ă‘ Ăœ Ă’ Ă­ĂŽ

Ă“ Ă…ĂŒ Ă? Ă’ Ă–ĂŠ Ă… ĂŠ Ă?Ă? 9 answer books to use t Ă‘ d be an e Ă‘ y will use ĂŹ Ă” Ă° Ă„Ă… ĂŤ and produce ïïÔê 0 buckets o day out as an excuse r violence ĂŽĂ? Æ ĂŠ Æ Ă’Ă? cold sweat Ă” Ă• Ă‘ e Ă‘ Ă„tĂŽĂ‹ guy Ă• Ă‘o and destruction. Ă„Last year Ă” Ă‘ e ĂˆĂ‰ always says You Ç e e minutes were a number o disturbing inciĂˆĂ‰ remaining' Ăą will Ç e walked a dis- dents at our College. Ă„ Ă„ Ă–ĂŽĂ™ Æ tance o 539 miles supplying extra drunken Ă‘ Ă” a group o Ă“One ĂŽĂš Æ answer books. Imperial College Ă‘ s students Ă” using Ă‘e name Catering are expecting an extra ÂŁ2Ă„ Einstein's Army Ă” scrawled 'E = mc2' Ă„ Ă?Ă… Æ Ă„ Ă?Ă… Ă– Ă° million in revenue m Ă‘e sale o Ă? Ăže all over t o Ă? Ăže ĂŽĂš Ă’Ă“ ĂŽĂ… Ăš Ă’ ĂŽĂ“ Æ Ă? Ă“ ĂŠ Ă–Ă— as many as 200 JCR . Ă• Ă‘ red paint. Ă‘ Ă˜ y building in Ă„ Æ ĂŒĂ™ Æ Ă„ ĂŽ Ă–ĂŠ In retaliation Ă” a gang o Ă‘ s callĂ‘e As we enter l weeks Æ Ă?Ă‹ Æ Ă?Ă’ Ă„Ă… Ă? Æ Ă’ Ă“Ă’ Ă’ s Ă‘e Louis Pasteur e Ă‘e exams Ă” a lot is at stake: ing Ă‘ Ă˜ Æ Ă? Ăže Society raided success brings glory and Ă‘e poten- Appreciation Ă“ ĂŽĂš Æ Ă„ ĂŒĂ™ Ă„ ĂŽ Ă–ĂŠ Ă–Ăš ĂŽĂŠ ĂŽĂ? Ă‘ s Department in Ă‘e early tial o Ă‘ e l gain ò Ă• Ă‘ e óôþÜ- Ă…ĂŒ Ă? Ă° Æ Ă„ Ă„ Ă?Ă… ure brings a year o Æ derision m Ă‘ s o Ă‘e morning and drew large protein molecules on Ă? Ăže Ă‘e almost ceryour colleagues and Æ Æ Ă’ Ă„ in Ă‘e main lecture Ă‘ tain sacking o tutors and lecturers. blackboard Ăœ ĂŽ Ă–Ă™ Ă„Ă… Ă’ĂŠ Ă’ Ă•Ă‘ n r excitement to atre. Ă‘ ĂŠs came to a Ă‘ Ă…Ă„Ă„d ÊÄÆ So it is natural Ă„Ă’ Ă‹ Ă’ Ă’ be called r a reac Ă‘ r áøÚ úÝ . It is quite normal an exam Ă…Ă‘ Ă„dĂ?Ă…to ÆÊÆ ĂŽĂ… Æ ÙÊÆ Ă’ Ă?ĂŽ Ă– Ăš Ă– Ă– n between Ă‘e violent to see large crowds Ă‘ g outÆ ĂŠ Ă? Ă?Ă’ Ă„Ă… Ă? Ăš ĂŠ ÖÆ innocent candiside Ă‘e Ă‘ l e an exam Ă” Ă‘ - two groups. Many ĂŒ Ă? ÊÄÆ Ă’ Ă„ r invigilators in ing Faraday's Law o Induction and dates were Ă‘ t Ăš Ă?Ă…Ă— ĂŽ Ă–Ă™ Ă’ Ă?Ă˝ s Æriot gear were called in to break up waving banners wit Ă‘ Ăź Ă‘ Æ Ă’ Æ Ă’ĂŽ Ă‘e disturbance. St s equation written on Ă‘ Ă˜ Ă” Ă‘ r Ă„ĂŠ ÚÒ crews were kept busy s painted wit Ă‘ various assort- Ambulance Ă„Ă… Ă…ĂŒ Ă? Ă„ Ă’ĂŠ r several Ă‘ s treating Ă‘ d ments o Greek letters. ĂŽ Ă–ĂŠ ĂŒ Ă?ĂŽĂ’ Ă„ Ă?Ă… Ă„ Ă? ĂŽ Ă– Ăœ Ă…Ă“ s mĂŽĂ™ Æ ĂŽ g calculators and e Ă• Ă‘o can't actually be Ă‘ Ă– Æ Ă’Ă? Ă… Ă„Ă’ test tubes. Ă‘ g also spilled over Ă‘ e stay at Ă‘ Ă˜e wit Ă‘ a w into central London Ă” as drunken Ă° Ă…Ă… Ă?ÎÙÊ Ă– mates and Ă„drink copious amounts Ă„ ÆÒ Ă– Æ Ă’ gangs o Ă‘ s went on Ă? Ăže Ă” Ă‘ y start singing o lager. Ăž ĂŽĂ?Ă“ rampage. Two suc Ă‘ groups met on Ă… Ă?Æ Ă? raucously about relativity Ă• Ă‘ t Æ Æ Ă?Ă…ĂŒĂ™ Ă‘e Ă‘Ă’ n line and wrecked a Ă…Ă? browsing Ă‘ Ă‘ illicit textbooks. Ăœ Ă’ Ă•Ă‘ e train. Regular commuters Ă‘ y also watc Ă‘ Open University Æ were only too glad to pitc Ă‘ in and Ă‘e sound ĂŠ Ă–Ă— programmes on TV wit Ă‘ Ă?ĂŽ Ăš Ă’Ă’ Ă– lend a Ă‘ . turned up very loud Ăż Ă‘ g wild-

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gtej

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Mein Kamp reshers, y o u are n o longer. Try t o r e m e m b e r y o u r first day in h a l l ; it probably involved much unpacking, a m o m e n t spent deciding h o w many p o s t e r s it w o u l d take t o c o v e r t h e w a l l s , s e r i o u s d r i n k i n g , a halfd r u n k e n m e n t a l e s t i m a t i o n o f the male/female ratio, p o s s i b l y v o m i t ing. T o n s i l h o c k e y , if y o u w e r e p a r ticularly b l e s s e d . T h e n ther e w a s the w e e k y o u spent not g o i n g to lectures w h i l e y o u m e t a l o a d o f p e o p l e f r o m y o u r hall, p e o p l e y o u haven't spoken to since week three. Freshers' Fair, w h e r e y o u s i g n e d u p for e i g h t y - f i v e c l u b s , joined one of t h e m , and then d e c i d e d that y o u r t i m e w o u l d be better spent in Southside. R e m e m b e r lectures? T h ey w e r e the b o r i n g things y o u a t t e n d e d for t h e first t e r m o n l y . Believe it or n o t , but s o m e p e o p l e have still g o t t h e m . S o m e o f y o u will have d i s c o v e r e d d r u g s . S o m e of y o u will h a v e d i s c o v e r e d sex. S o m e will have e m b r a c e d alcohol. A number of y o u will have d o n e all three.

F

F o l l o w i n g a first t e r m in w h i c h you probably saw s o m e o n e y o u fancied cavorting with someone else (such a Hall p h e n o m e n o n that s o m e o n e in m y first y e a r t h o u g h t he m i g h t m a k e a s o a p a b o u t it), y o u p r o b a b l y s p e n t m o s t of the latter half of t h e s e c o n d t e r m m i s s i n g l e c t u r e s . S o m e o f y o u will be w o r rying about having failed their e x a m s . S o m e w i l l be p a n i c k i n g a b o u t next y e a r ' s a c c o m m o d a t i o n . M o s t will be d e c i d i n g their p l a n s for t h e s u m m e r . I a m c o n v i n c i n g m y s e l f that I w o n ' t be g o i n g t o Glastonbury again. A t this m o m e n t in t i m e , t h e average s t u d e n t ' s p l a n s for t h e s u m m e r s h o u l d be something along these lines: pay overdraft; c a t c h u p o n all m i s s e d w o r k f r o m past y e a r ; w a t c h a s m a l l a m o u n t of W o r l d C u p / Test matches / W i m b l e d o n (delete as a p p r o p r i ate); s l e e p ; eat; g o t o A m s t e r d a m ; r e m e m b e r t o k e e p in t o u c h w i t h all the lovely new friends from C o l l e g e . By t h e e n d of the h o l i d a y , all of t h e s e a i m s will have b e e n r e a l i s e d b a r r i n g just t w o . I shall leave t h e e s t i m a t i o n o f w h i c h t w o as a n e x e r c i s e for t h e reader. This y e a r has also s e e n m y rise from a humble engineering student to a revered w o r d s m i t h , capable of t w i s t i n g t h e English language into s u c h e x q u i s i t e s h a p e s that u n s u s p e c t i n g s t u d e n t s have b e e n k n o w n

t o d i e outright o n Friday m o r n i n g s , u p o n experiencing the pure ecstasy i m p a r t e d by m y w r i t i n g . W h e n 1 s t r o l l e d into t h e Felix o f f i c e at the b e g i n n i n g of t h e y e a r , o n l y barely familiar w i t h h o w it l o o k e d i n s i d e , I certainly d i d n o t e x p e c t t o leave it w i t h a regular c o l u m n . Luckily, I w a s in t h e right p l a c e at t h e right time w h e n the harassed editor, p l a c e d u n d e r t h e Felix g i r d e r for t h e d u r a t i o n of t h e y e a r , w a s d e s p e r a t e for s o m e m a t e r i a l t o fill a q u a r t e r - p a g e . T w o w e e k s later, w h e n I v e n t u r e d into t h e o f f i c e again, 1 was asked where m y c o n tributions had been. So began my s e c o n d year, r e g a r d e d w i d e l y as b e i n g " t h e w o r s t y e a r of y o u r l i f e " . A t first t h e novelty of b e c o m i n g a minor celebrity, a n d h a v i n g p e o p l e that I didn't even know recognise me, w a s sufficient m o t i v a t i o n t o k e e p c h u r n i n g o u t t h e literary bilge. By t h e e n d o f t h e first t e r m I w a s g e t t i n g p r e t t y h a c k e d off w i t h m y coursework, and even more h a c k e d off w r i t i n g five h u n d r e d w o r d s per week. A few punters p o i n t e d o u t that t h e y c o u l d n o t understand where I got m y ideas f r o m . T h ey h a d o b v i o u s l y n o t s e e n m e p a c i n g a p a t h into t h e floor for three hours while attempting to chain-smoke a workable theme into m y h e a d . It w a s p e r h a p s n o t surprising, then, w h e n reported ripples of p o o r quality, e g o m a n i a cal drivel b e g a n t o s p o i l t h e u n b r o ken surface of m y half-page's m o o n l i t lake. T he less i m a g i n a t i v e of these include the Features E d i t o r ' s p o e t i c d e s c r i p t i o n of o n e c o m p o s i t i o n w h i c h m a d e rather t o o h e a v y u s e of the w o r d " s h i t " . T he m o s t n o t a b l e c o n t r i b u t o r t o t h e s e tidal w a v e s of a b u s e w a s a c e r t a i n e x - g i r l f r i e n d of m i n e . Rather than g r e e t i n g m e with something gratifying such as, " H e l l o . I've m i s s e d y o u , " 1 g o t a c o m m e n t s t a t i n g that m y m a t e r i a l was "nothing more than self-indulgent twad d le", before she went on t o steal m y c i g a r e t t e s a n d take u p valuable s p a c e o n the sofa. H a v i n g k n o w n virtually z e r o a b o u t t h e w o r k i n g s of t h e U n i o n last y e a r , d u r i n g a l l t h a t N e w Election rubbish, I d e c i d e d perhaps that readers w e r e n ' t that intereste d in t h e U n i o n or C o l l e g e at a l l . I t h o u g h t I'd w r i t e a b o u t s o m e t h i n g a bit different. M y a i m w a s t o t u r n o u t s o m e t h i n g interes ting ; a m u s ing; occasionally bizarre; not

w r a p p e d u p in p o l i t i c s a n d fairly c l e a n . W h a t eight t h o u s a n d r e a d ers p r o b a b l y g o t w a s s o m e t h i n g eccentric; peculiar; egocentric; p o l i t i c s - f r e e but still rather b o r i n g ; a n d fairly c l e a n . Try t h i n k i n g o f thirty different i d e a s that m i g h t be a m u s i n g , a n d t h e n think of four t o six h u n d r e d w o r d s ' w o r t h of m a t e rial for e a c h , a n d y o u will begin t o s e e t h e f l a w in t h e p l a n . H a v i n g s a i d that, I r e c k o n a f e w valid points were m a d e o n the way. Will sheer processing power c o n q u e r S h a k e s p e a r e ? Is an e g o d e s i r a b l e ? W i l l G e r i s u c c e e d o n her own? A n d most importantly, w h o is C o l u m b o ' s d e a l e r ? Despite epoch-making questions like these, my only correspondence o v e r t h e entire y e a r c a m e f r o m a medical student w h o had postulate d a n intriguing s c i e n t i f i c t h e o r e m i n v o l v i n g curry.

appeared; a premature April Fool's jape has f o o l e d h u n d r e d s ; the n e w s t e a m h a v e e v a p o r a t e d like ideas for a c o l u m n ; a n d finally t h e o l d Felix site has b e e n s a c r i f i c e d for s o m e t h i n g far less interesting, aided by some pre-emptive d e s t r u c t i o n by a h o m e l e s s s t u d e n t n e w s p a p e r ' s staff. S o I carry m y c o l u m n ' s c r o s s t o G o l g o t h a , the Place of the Skull, a n d s e e it c r u c i f i e d a l o n g w i t h "Digs the Dirt" and "Westminster Eye", o n e o n either s i d e . N o t that I c l a i m t h e s e scribbles are in any way G o d - l i k e . O n the contrary, TFTD will s o o n g o t o hell. A n d the ro bbers ? Everlasting life.

Ali

Campbell

Felix, a l s o , has s e e n some c h a n g e s . S u b - e d i t o r s have c o m e and gone; enthusiastic music r e v i e w e r s have m a d e t h e office their o w n o n a Friday a f t e r n o o n ; an IC R a d i o p a g e has m y s t e r i o u s l y

ALL STUDENTS During the summer vacation, B R E A K F A S T w i l l be available in the S E N I O R C O M M O N R O O M on a daily basis from 7.30 am - 10. am. L U N C H (including Quicks and the Curry Bar) w i l l be available in the M A I N D I N I N G H A L L .

" Q T " and the Vending service w i l l continue i n the J C R , although there w i l l be N O S E A T I N G .

We regret any inconvenience to customers whilst the J C R is renovated

2 4 June 1 9 9 8

COLUMNS

r Blair is a pret !t sort ty " o guy. At least # ! s is certainly $ %& t '(e * ! +e would Labour publicity ) -. 0 , e us believe. In / !1 n Ireland ! +2 Tony Blair made a simple ! written pledge concerning e connection between '(e release o 3 ! * ! was paramilitary prisoners 4 -. considered to , e (5d an enor1661*t on Unionist opinion o 3 mous ! e Good Friday Agreement. 7 89n !e press lambasted (:m over '(e million-pound donation to Labour 60 ;;0 4 1 d by by Bernie Ecclestone # ! e exemption o 3 Formula One rac60 ing m '(e ban on tobacco advertising < Tony addressed '(e nation in 6 1 2 * ! t about !0 w !0 +1 t (e a e !0 4 # like ordinary people # was and !e made mistakes too. He didn't miss '(e opportunity to upbraid '(e press 3=r daring to accuse (:m o 3 basic corruption.

!1

I ! 1 ! * ! will )J r wit ! +G ! +g until !1 y ilar-minded individuals) 4 !0A -. t an iota o 3 doubt return sug, e (5d a KLMl consultation as to 4 ! ! * ! gesting we use proportional repreit wit - 4 $ %& t to replace +2 16 + e period o 3 time sentation in Parliament. D (e leaves an N OP Qe '(e I ! )J1 r o 3 Parliament Government (5s already allowed it ; 6 ! 0A ! designed to scrutinise '(e work o 3 to seep into political e ! ! ! 6 ;;1 ! Parliament (partly e Scottis e Commons will be d wit 6 1 +2 s and 0 !1 r Labour elected by PR) and '(e new elecTony's

placemen. It would become 'Blair's toral procedure 3=r Britain's mempoodle' in '(e same way '(e Lords bers o 3 '(e European Parliament. ;60A R s poodle' in '(e early We will undoubtedly be 0661 1 d '(e was R S 16 ! 1900s. ? s would be less likely to opportunity to vote 3=r PR in a ! CC1 n i3 Lords 160 m ! CC1 +1 d erendum U 4 ! * ! will naturally bring ! in one go # and it seems discussion power to '(e people etc. and wit 1T ! A 1 d as to '(e possi- !e evidence ! t it worked in is all but 160 ). ? ! s Scotland and Europe # combined bilities available in a

Hamis Common Ippllff

Westminster

Eye

Naturally n '(e public will ! ; !2 0 4 n regrettably suggests ! t '(e only relax 4 e Blair and > ! 160 ) ! !1 announce t y would be work- reason 3=r s 'two-part' 0 1 !1 ing r "to put power closer tion is to give '(e Prime Minister 1661* V e total control over '(e !1 to '(e people". ? y also intend to 1 1 ! '(e constitution and ) )J p o 3 '(e Upper House # renew 1 + !1 ! meaning ! t so muc ! as a squeak n our individual . 6 0 m its appointed members # and ! Some o 3 s seems to be genuine. E 1 6 +d !1 1 ;6 Her W y will ? !e creation o 3 '(e Scottis ! XY Z[\ ]^ Y d to summon twenty new Parliament # Wels @ Assembly and !0A ;d Labour ! * _s to '(e House. Greater London Assembly bring decision-making down to a ? !e next ominous sign is '(e more local level. No-one doubts way '(e Government seem to ,-. e 2 2 ! t '(e Conservative Government been ! + ; +g 161 1 + A ) . D(e drew power to '(e national govern- manoeuvring over '(e arrangement " 6 0 A !0 1 s on an ! ment m local o questions 3=r '(e Scottis 2 ! unprecedented scale and t its Parliament 161 1 + A m and '(e Labour successors are looking at prepared timing o 3 !e Wels @ 161 ! 6 1r '(e ways to reverse s process. endum to be a week ! one (tacticians calculated Scottis However # '(e constitutional ! ! 611 ; +g 6 1 r '(e -. plans Labour , e are 35r more t e uprising o 3 ! ominous. Britain is one o 3 '(e 3Bw certain 2"Yes" vote o 3 '(e Scottis 161 1 + A -. d m would persuade '(e nations in '(e world not to , e a `a bc ! * ! is made % e combined wit ! some blawritten constitution # 4 * ! 0 tant ministerial propaganda sugup instead o 3 a C 4 k o 3 parlia! mentary legislation and convention gests t '(e Government would! n't be amiss to vague wordings and and common law. ? s puts it in a 6 ;e state # ; !0A ! most politi- * 16A l timing to bias '(e result o 3 161 1 +2 . Wit f '(e Lords as an cians respect its status above party !1 # legislation 3=r political advantage. It seems e energetic poodle ! 1 6 0+ ! * ! '(e suc ! 161 1 +2 a !0A ;2 +R t be ghiihare e s on 4 ! CC1 +1 2j . D(e Government intends to secure cult (it's already 1 ;6 increase power 3=r . D (e enor- Government (5s already been lob E 0 # urging legal mous ) y Labour (5s in '(e bying '(e Neill inquiry 161 1 +2 a campaign Commons F and '(e ever-stratos- limits on A66 ; C !1 c public support it currently spending to ) e publicity 3=r '(e 1 +E 0G s gives it a great opportunity 'wrong' side o 3 a 161 1 +2 A )# ! ! 0A ! * ! + 1 s !0A !t allowing ministers to create propato pus untenable by previous administra- ganda as required.

* ! 2

# '(e Labour tions. Lord H ! *0 +6 )1 d '(e Leader o 3 e Lords # Government's intention to remove 2 !e !t o 3 !1 1 y peers to ! speak and vote in '(e Lords. ? s ! s been known previously and (5s # popular support. As detailed in !1 r ) + 61 0 # '(e Government do not intend to replace '(e Upper

!

1 !0

wit '(e steamroller ) d used ! ! 0A ! # we may well to pus it vote 3=r it in '(e end. ? !e main purpose o 3 PR is to keep Labour and '(e Lib Dems in ! !1 power. ? t is all e is to it. Eac l party talks o 3 '(e advantages o 3 ! eac system # but essentially '(e Conservative and Labour parties 6 opposed it because our mC !1 m C t system kept !1 m in power and '(e Liberal Democrats ! * ! would give opqr wanted PRn 4 power. Labour's initial opposition ! 06 1 +1 d as !1 y ,-. e stus v been d a way to kee '(e Tories out wx yz{| }}y 60r good.

State (in our case '(e Sovereign 4 !o is supposed to stay out o 3 pol61 0 )e responsibility o 3 itics) '(e 60 m a coaliinviting a person to tion ‘ seeing i3 it can be done # and i3 not inviting someone else and so on. As 35r as a person's vote count60 & 6 + ;;y gets into power # ing r $ % t ! e second largest party usually !1 wouldn't be invited to Â’ “”•– so r ! votes wouldn't matter as muc as !e votes 3=r '(e smaller parties. Assume Labour (5d got most !1 1 . votes in a General Election E1 !1 ? n Her W y would ask '(e 60 m a coalition — Labour leader to giving (:m say n a week to do so ˜0 !1 4 e (:s Downing Street days are over). He would ask say # '(e Lib Dems and '(e Ulster Unionists to 0 !1 -. do so n 4 e (e won't , e ! +0 !1 r General enoug votes and !1 160 Election could be called. ? e ! e Lib Dems and '(e Ulster ›œÂ?žÂ? r Unionists could exact ™ š !1 !1 y wanted out o 3 )# as ! C! pens all '(e time in countries wit PR. All '(e people Â&#x; ( o voted 3=r !e opposition party don't get a look in. D (e small parties receive a ! voice totally out o 3 proportion wit !1 r electoral mandate # '(e ! Government governs e country to !1 appease some minute party r ! n '(e electorate # and '(e 4 !0 ;e

Government can be knocked down by a small party pulling out o 3 a coalition. Italy's unstable PR system ! s caused endless embarrassment to it on '(e world stage # leaving it 4 !0A t *0 !1 1 +t policies and decreasing respect by its people 3=r ! ! People may disagree wit s its government. New Zealand is ! column ~ suggesting t PR would beginning to regret its decision to ! actually work # and t it is dis- incorporate PR into its Parliament. !1 0 1 ! +g even *16A ! But e is ) l t '(e Greens/Lib ! * ! 1 !01V1 ) €4 r else's parliamentary more sinister about PR n 4 016A ;; !0 representation is 4 y t o 3 explains its support by some o 3 '(e * ! _ . As '(e its electoral mandate # leaving '(e Blairite Labour CC two dominant parties in absolute number o 3 seats gained in '(e power. However to see '(e real Parliament is proportional to '(e o 3 votes cast # '(e principle problems o 3 PRn one (5s to step number 6 0 ; ! s o 3 individuals o" constituencies and M P s 3=r a back m '(e C 6 and parties. D(e t past '(e post particular area disappears. Instead ! system gives '(e UK and elective e party would draw up ordered !1 160  ‚ƒ„…„†‡ˆ‰‚Š ‹ N OP Qe one party lists o 3 members. ? e '(e -. (more accurately # one Prime party would , e total and 6 Ve absolute control over its parliamenMinister) (5s vast power 3=r 1 1 ! !1 years. ? n '(e people vote and tary ) )J C. Any discordant ! 1 ! would be silenced by t e government remains in power voices " o disappearing =33 '(e lists 3=r '(e or is replaced. 2 6 ! Wit f PR e situation will be - 'ballot-box' in '(e next election. 61 1 + . ? ! s time # no party will in Internal party democracy # already -. badly damaged by Labour in '(e To go back to '(e beginning reality ever , e overall control Œ -. e to 60 m a coalition. past ! 1 e years # would J 1 !e its and will , again k '(e co-operation between ! ! + s on '(e last. H !1r ! n putting power in 2 Labour and Liberal Democrats on ? s may improve ! !e ! + s o 3 '(e people and indi'constitutional issues' is 35r more lines t '(e smaller parties will be 60 m coalitions and ,-. e vidual members # PR places it in '(e 2 worrying in '(e present context able to N OP Qe Labour genuinely could pus ! some say in '(e 66 s o 3 govern- ! + s o 3 party leaders # a motley ! 6 +1 # it collection o 3 small parties and no ! 0A ! dangerous measures. Lord ment. � Ž��e s may sound !0 t o 3 dangerous prob- one else. A less democratic system Jenkins (5s been running a review causes a 6 ;y gives '(e Head o 3 would be ! d to 6 !0 ). 661 lems. It committee (entirely d by sim-

24 June

1998

 ¥¢ £e we get started ¤ I'm ¼¥ £¼ Œd it's necessary to men¥ w basic points o¥ tion a Š bar etiquette. Firstly ¤ § ¨ t do you ¥ ¼ ª¢  r do i you knock over ­ ¼ Ž¯ s pint? Two possibilities- ¯ ¢  ¤  ¼t °¹² e beer in Œ ¤' said ¼¥ r did

12

COLUMNS

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ÂŹÂ ÂŁÂĄ ÂŚÂ Âł

ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ š ÂŹÂŚÂł ÂŤ ÂŹÂ

¥¢ ÂŤ ÂŹ d is t e y are y department. As r e  ª­ e ÂŤ ÂŹe recent second election Âľ Ă–Ă— ÂŤ ÂŹÂ y are not stupid. Making mud biologists Ă” so used to cramped ¤ r DP F&S (bloody acronymsÂĄ ¥¼­ Œ³Œ Œ ¡ ¤ ÂŤ ÂŹÂ y will more Ă˜ Ă™ĂšĂ›ĂœĂ? decaying e got me doing it as well) stick on a department made o  ¥ ³¢ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ ¥¢ £­ n is not easy ¤ and even Felix likely n not be d to wear caused by perceived academic ´ ¥¢r ÂĄÂ ÂĽr oÂĄ dirtying ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŹÂĽ ÂŽÂŽÂ ÂŞÂŚÂŞg ÂĄÂĽr occasionally gets it a little wrong. ÂŹÂŚ slippers weakness. ´ s is Ă“ ¢¥ ª ¤ ÂŤ ¢œĂˆ ÂŹ I see little solu- ´ ÂŹe ¢ ª¥ £ ª­ e Ă… ÂĄÂĄ Œ­ e springs to carpet. too ¢¥   ¡ Ž£¢  ­ n e large So Æ s tion beyond seeking academic ÂŁÂ ÂĄ- mind Ăť but I can say no more ÂŹÂĽ ÂŞd my solicitor observing an enormous brown ¡œ¥¥ r ÂĄ £¢ m continual compromise erences ¥¢r candidates. However ¤ I because on¸one ¸¸  ¢ ³Œ ÂĽ ¹² ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ ³¢¢ ÂŁ ÂŹÂŚ ÂŤÂŹÂĽ ÂŤ ÂŹ ¡ ÂŹÂś ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚÂŞ Š ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚ y and also I ° e puddle on e . ´ s is not cort eats away at e intended r to k §¨ t s could is on ÂŹ ÂĄ ¥¼­ Œ³Œ Œ ¡ ÂĄÂĽ ÂŤ ÂŹ rect. ´ e proper response is 'I'm improvement o ¤ but in lead to. A r bigger problem is e booked a room in Evelyn Gardens ÂĽ ª¢ ÂŹÂ r ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚ ÂĄ £¢ m š Œ­ ÂŹ most ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs summer. ´  £ ¥¢ ÂŁe I better say very sorry ¤ let me get you s case attention to detail is constituency ÂŤ ÂŹe playing o ÂĄ ¢œĂˆ ÂŹ ¹² ÂŤ ÂŹe ¢ w marvellous ÂŤ ÂŹe ¡¼¥¥ are in ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt one.' Secondly ¤ clear. ´ I ° e obviously not candidates emanate ¤ namely ¸  š ÂŹÂ ÂŁe I ¢œ ¡ ÂŚ ÂŤ ÂŹ ¥¼­ Œ³Œ Œ ¥¢ Œ¡ ³¥ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŹÂŚ drums in Âľ e TV lounge seen e s intended r Union . ´ s year s been a department. ´ y know ¸ ÂŚÂĄÂĄÂ ÂŁÂ ÂŞÂŤ š ÂŹÂŚÂłe members oÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŹÂś º¼ n race ÂŹÂŚÂŤÂ ÂŹÂ live. ¤ ¤ and it is good to get Snow Ă• r seven dwarves little ¸  ³ŒĂˆ  ¥¢ ³³¢ w a World ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂ ÂŚr toilets ¤ people wit ÂŹ a ÂĄ £ ¡ ÂŹ ÂĽ ŽŽ£¢¼­ ÂŹ ¤ are attempting to will be d wit ÂŹÂĽs been a Cup game is not recommended. I particularly ÂŤ ÂŹe loo roll dispensers unburdened by years oÂĄ ¼­ Ç £Ă? ¤ Outside College ¤ it Âť Ÿ½ žl say no more. ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt are six Œª­ ÂŹÂ s ¢¥¥ ÂŤ ÂŹe deck. ÂŤ ¢œĂˆ ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs is not to say ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt some ¥œªª ÂŹÂ ÂŁ ÂŹ y old year. ´ e is too muc Ă€ ÂŤÂŹ ­ Œ³¸ ÂŁÂ n °¹² e gone ­ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŞĂˆ ¼s ³ ¥. Barry Stranger still is e uncanny resem- o ICU's golden . Ginger Spice ÂŤ ÂŹ ¢œ ¡ Œ¸ e toilets. IÂĄ on to make great sabbaticals. At ÂŹÂĽs sold out to Sky ¤ and ÂŤÂŹ Norman Start spreading e news ¤ I'm blance to e Âľ ¥¢r a ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs rate ¤ I ¡ ¢œ Âłd be able to get ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹ ¡œ à Æ  ­t Sir Norman Foster popped in leaving today. Well ¤ not exactly ¤ ÂĽÂŁ ÂŤ ÂŹ Ă€e House o Lords is e ÂŹ ¹² ÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ £ ¥œ¡ ¹² up o everyone by e end o o a bizarre and deeply unwise since I ° e been d parole Æ ¤ e least e could ° e done ÂŤbacks ÂŹe article... ÂŤÂŹ ßýÞÿß . New Labour plods on ¤ again Âż but e dubious application was stand a round or two. Ă€ ¹² becoming more sanctimonious o O l ' Blue Eyes' lyrics ° e ÂŤ ÂŹe dream ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt so ÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs and less like become a bit o a tradition in ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs backÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŤ ÂŹ many endorsed. Against column. Given t e great man ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ drop strong opposition is essenis now playing e biggest venue o ÂŹ ÂĽÂĄÂŤÂ r an ÂŤ ÂŹÂ m all ¤ I could not resist. For tial. ´ e Conservatives ¤ ¡ ÂŹÂĽ Çy start ÂĽÂĄÂŤÂ r 18 ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs will be ÂŤ ÂŹe last ÂĄ understandably many o you ¤ ÂŤ ÂŹe ¢ ÂŹÂ r side oÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹe  ¥¢ ÂŁe you are cast years on Felix you read Ă ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ House are now taking Labour to ¤ into e cultural wilderness t is  ¥¥ ­ ÂŚĂŽ e manner. ÂŤ ÂŹe real world. Some oÂĄ you ¤ now I task in an ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹe ¢œ ÂŁ ¤ comet ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚÂŞ ÂĄ Comet k o it ¤ started at come to ¢œĂˆ ÂŹ ¡ ÂŹe ÂŹÂĽs only been in ÂŤÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs colman. ´ broadly e same time as ¸ ¢ ÂŤ ÂŹ ¼¥¥¢ ÂŁ ÂŚÂŞ ÂĄ e Æ b a week or so ¤ Ann umn Ă‚ g you a glimpse o ³Œ¥ Widdecombe is already proving Imperial College e denied to your ÂŹÂ r selÂĄ to be a ºÆ ¢r ÂŤ ¢ ÂŁn in ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŹ predecessors. A well ¤ can't win ÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹe Cabinet. ´ ÂŹÂŚs woman side o 'em all. Œ­ ÂŹÂĽÂ l Howard ¤ so § ¨Š t scares ­ ÂŹÂĽ ª­ ÂŹÂĽĂŽ . 1 quite e does Blair ´ ÂŹÂŚs year ÂŹÂĽs been ÂĄÂĽÂŚÂŁÂły eventÂŤÂŹÂĽ expected t Tony Blair would ĂƒĂ„l ¥¢r Imperial ¤ containing low ¹² e ÂŤ ÂŹe decency to announce ÂŤ ÂŹe ¢ ÂŹ ÂŹ ° points and lower points. Ă… ¤ suc £ ¡ œ¥¥ Âłe à  ¥¢ ÂŁe ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs article ¢Ă‡ š Œ­ ÂŹ brings me neatly to Cabinet cynicism is one so young. Only Æ ´ ÂŹe Union ÂŹÂĽs proved ¤ as ever ¤ ĂŤ ĂŹ ... ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽÂŤÂŻ s ÂŹÂŚ ÂŹÂĽs been marked by Ă­ ĂŽĂŻ Ă°Ă­ ùò . I sometimes worry ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt so I could rubbis it ¤ but ÂĄÂĽÂŚÂŁÂły  ĂŽ ª¥œ l place. ´ ÂŹe ing. ´ s year to be a ¥¢ politicians r you. ÂĄÂ a w big successes ¤ none more so carnivals °¹² e been very good Ăž ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs obsessive interest is unique to ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ n ÂŤ ÂŹe second position oÂĄ IC in ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŤ ¢¡ ÂŹÂĽ t e beer s been very bad (stick to me ¤ yet it is e topic ÂŤ ÂŹe Financial Times University sur- ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŹ š Œ­ ÂŹ is not bad at people š ÂŹo still talk to me menSo muc to say and so little ¤ e Guinness ¥Œ£¡t position oÂĄ Âľ ¢œ ¡ Œ¸ e ÂŤ ÂŹe most. From ÂŤ ÂŹe point oÂĄ space. No time to review ÂŤ ÂŹe art ÂŤ ÂŹ ¹² vey ¤ and tion all) and e elections ° e been ÂŤÂŹ ÂĄ ÂŹÂ Âł ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt would give an view oÂĄ a ÂŹÂś Âş Ă Âłe š¢ £¸ ¡ ºŒ ÂŹ ¤ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt Bar in e inter-bar boat race. I not even time to d at a rate Œ¡ ÂŹÂ ÂŤ ÂŹ š one s to demonstrate e Italian returning ¢¥¥ Œ­ r work-relat- building is a godsend. Have you remind ÂŤ ¢¡ e oÂĄ you š ÂŹo ¥¢ ÂŁĂˆ¢ t to ­ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŞĂˆ s ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ t °¹² e occurred at ¥Œª¼³³y elected any idea ¢ w ÂŹÂĽ ÂŁd it would be to get out oÂĄ bed ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs year to sample ed stress. Ă&#x; Ă ĂĄn we ¸ ¥œ£ Imperial ¤ one need look no r Andy Heeps ¤ we got a very ¡¼¥ e ­£¼¥t 500 words oÂĄ purple prose ÂŤ ÂŹe exquisite beer in Âľ ¢œ ¡ ÂŚ e ÂŻ ¸ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ n ÂŤ ÂŹe BMS. Regular readers will ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŹÂĽÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŞ ÂŤ ÂŹ e back) every ´ s pretty muc e long and pair o s to continue e (no sniggering at ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt I °¹² e been ¡­¼ ÂŹÂŚÂŞg š ÂŚÂŤ ¢œ t ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽt lot? ´ ÂŹÂ Ă?ÂŻ ÂŁe not ÂŤ ÂŹe ¡ ¢ ÂŁt oÂĄ it. I've  ªĂ† ¢Ă? d ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs ÂĄ know excellent work o Eric Allsop. week ¸ ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs Ž£¢Ă†  ­ t in its early ÂĄ ÂĄ ¢ ÂŽe ÂŤÂŹÂĽt I °¹² e proabout Âľ ÂŹÂ ÂŁÂĄ ÂŚÂ Âłd were  ³ŒĂˆ ÂŹÂŤÂ d š ÂŹÂ n a all bad ¤ o course ¤ but some o year ¤ and I ÂŹÂĽ ÂŤ ÂŹÂ ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ ¡¢ º  ÂŹÂŚÂŞg to amuse and ÂŤ ÂŹ stages ¤ but as time s gone on ¤ it medic won ¤ since it made m do give e impression o vided e ÂŹÂĽs come ¢Ăˆ  ÂŹÂ r very successŒª¥œ£Œ¼ ÂŤ ÂŹe Felix ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ e you. Going by merger t little bit easier ¤ but pausing mid sentence purely to Ă‰ĂŠĂ‹Ă‹ĂŒ. Not Ž £¥ ­ ÂłĂ? ¤ ¢š ĂŽ £¤ as many oÂĄ us ¤ myselÂĄ included ¤ were ­ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŞĂˆ e ¥¢¢ t in º¢œ ÂŹ. All ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs leads postbag I suspect ÂŤ ÂŹe latter ¤ but ÂŤ ÂŹe Rector ÂŹÂĽs said in ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs issue ¤ ÂŹ you know § ¨Š t Oscar Wilde said ¹² a bit wary. Fortunately we ° e some to say I am out to rubbis ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ t compared to ÂŹÂĽ but 1 must say on being talked about. Farewell ¤ Imperial at every opportunity. Not been proved wrong. Andy s not Ž£¢Ă†  ­s at IC ¤ ÂŤ ÂŹÂŚs ÂŤ ÂŹe small mindedness so. IÂĄ I truly did not give a toss mes amis ¤ be you ¡¼¥¥ ¤ student or most building displayed ÂŹÂĽs gone like clockwork. ´ ÂŹe ­ Œ¸ ³Œ¡ ÂŹ insularity ÂŤÂŹÂĽt ­ ÂŹÂĽ £¼­ - about IC ¤ I wouldn't be ÂŹÂ ÂŁe in ÂŤ ÂŹe even Director oÂĄ Estates. As ¥¢r one and Ăł ôþÜ Œ¡ ³¥ Œ­ ÂŹ š ¢œĂˆ ÂŹ parts oÂĄ IC are next year ¤ š ÂŹo knows? All I do ¤ building I visited last terises so many oÂĄ ÂŹÂŚs medical colt place. ´ ¼ªÇ ÂŹÂŚ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ t next year's editor is a Ž £¥ ­ Âł s again to Ă? l Hilton leagues and is week Ă? y illustrated run well ¤ many areas are managed know is ÂĄ ­ ÂŹÂĽ ³Ñ ¤ is quite ÂŤÂŹ ¢ ÂŽÂ ÂĄÂś ³³y ÂŤ ÂŹe in a way ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ t is detrimental to ÂŤ ÂŹe Titan among men ¤ blessed wit ÂŹ and Ollie Clarke o Âľ in e block votes. â ¸ superb and utterly wasted on presence oÂĄ a medic at ÂŤ ÂŹe ÂŹÂŚĂˆ ÂŹ students á ÂŤ ÂŹe ¡¼¥¥ and ÂŤ ÂŹe College exceptional Æ Âś Ăˆ º ªt and savoirĂ– Ăš ¢ ÂĄ š úž ÂŹ ÂŹ ª¢  š ¤ as new members o altar will also ÂŹÂ Âłp to bring ÂŤ ÂŹe new ø medics Ă’ . Quite y we tolerate suc . r beer ¤ Ed? ÂŤ ÂŹe College ¤ would be ÂĄÂĽr better ÂŤ ÂŹ ¥¢ Âłd next term. practices in non-academic departBMS intake into e Ladies and Simon ĂŁ äüÌ ¹² ÂŹÂĽ d ¥ š r ments in an elitist institution ÂŹÂĽs served by occupying a building e we ° e certainly been put back in box Baker ÂŤ ÂŹ Œ¡¢ ÂŁ ÂĄ ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŤ ÂŹ steeped in e glorious y o elections n last year ¤ e always been a mystery. ´ e prob- - Ed. ÂŹ ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂŞÂ ÂŚĂˆ ÂŹ ¢œ ÂŁÂŚÂŞ ÂŹ ÂĄ ÂŤ ÂŹ ÂĄ ÂŹÂĽ ÂŚÂŤ ¢œ š Imperial ¤ suc as e Ă g process e denizens o s gone t a çèÊêç . lem wit many o

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dt "# $ %&' wit * %*e appropriate $%%$P *E&%*:% . 2I! you _`abc * got access to one ) use one o/ ( e C:ey $:J *+2 es %*$t you get your +:F&'s %*&'23 /0 powered I ( 4# * ! ! F 567889 P$C fYe last resort is to*use aG*+ couple o ghijs t*&Ain.d side ;<=>? @ A$B(C in XYe $:J . '%)side *+DD+ :g %*e eggs Iworks *+%& s &D*&E&'$ AA A+F * * %* & ( '% (wit 1 a lot o/ & by by I ( %* %* %* * $:(%*& ! +2 * G* around e bowl and at e same time klmnlog e ghij * * up and out to try and incorporate %* as muc A$B(C H $ %& $ %(F&%*& %* %'C air ins %* e liquid as possible. Make &sure ' e bowl A +: C2& %* +AA& I *+A2 %* I *( A you are using is absolutely dry [ ( e you put %*e egg I *+%& s in to increase your P *$:P& s o! a 2( E&%*+: "# (*&+ & & * *& K $J : (L $J classG*result. +:$l preparation is to ( Ad "#e egg e *+%& A+F * G* I s into %*e I *+% e sauce mixture. G*+s is sup%* 2 *$ ' posed to be a delicate operation. Do not try to + ' 2 A get a completely C: ( m mixture: your (C e MNO will come out *+%& a complete pqrs. Instead pour XY G*&n wit * ae beaten egg I s onto XYe sauce. %* ! wooden spoon scrape along e bottom o XYe COURGETTE SOUFFLE bowl t pull it out and dump your excavations on %* *+%&2 . Repeat 5 or six times. top o / e egg I <r 2 medium courgettes A Now to XYe moulds. Your can use one large T 50 g (Cr * mould (big enoug to contain 11) or ) better ) (C r T 50 g butter G*&y 2 *(C Ad be round and smaller (1/4 1)* ones. °" 1 tsp mustard (powder or paste) *+ u vwx t ceramic I P # s "#e %*& most appropriate T 250 ml milk D&' & %A &% *&& & 2 P y !clean conductivity. Make sure are *" 150 g a P ) crumbled %*& n 2 E(%*& r ay good layer o butand dry and ®" 3 tbl grated Parmesan % *& m % ter all over "#e sides and bottom. Fill *• 4 eggs ) separated * A 2 yz{l wit "#e (C e mixture and place in "#e 2 A 2 * A NO No sel respecting (C e (C d M e any con- oven. +'2t +:&Ay grate "#e courgettes ) G*e 2(C A&s 2 *(C Ad take 25 minutes and be sistency so D + % *& * 2* a delicate $J e o golden brown ) C :g out o / leave in a bowl wit a *couple o generous %* *& * % D+:P *& s om/ salt A * ' 2 2 e moulds like P ' $ . Do NOT under any to bleed /0r $ an (C . %* *+% QRSTe you're waiting 2 A&s "# circumstance open e oven until "#e (C start on e I e sauce by ' %*+ are done as any J $ t or cold wave will make XYe gently melting "#e butter in a P k saucepan. * *& A(Cr 567889 UVW 2 *'+B&A. e $:g its $ d and n XYe butter starts spitting Z stir in XY e %*+ & ' A %' + 2 2 $ F *t '( m XYe oven /0%r 1 minute%* [ ( e and mustard. Fry ' s paste Serve XYe (C e %* %* *& $ . Mix in e milk removing e pan ( m e one tablespoon at a time ) making sure "#e * E F& & ' paste Y\s become ( ( :(C s [ ( e adding G*+ more. s is to ! prevent &"#&' e %*+ I *+% e sauce becoming lumpy (i despite ! B L :g you do get lumps try blending it i possible). Once *A you've added about $ XYe milk it's probably 2$ e to simply pour XYe rest in and give a good spin. Return "#e pan to "# %&e stove and slowly bring to XYe boil ] stirring ( n to stop XYe bottom burning. Simmer ( r a minute. * In a spare moment ) reac over and rinse XY e %*& G*& courgette in cold water. n drain ! %* m really + * K well* by squeezing all XYe C P e out o e mus * G*+ 2 wit your $:J . *+% s is violent ) but necessary. Put "#e I e sauce into a large bowl and *&&2& s and egg yolk. That horse must be around mix in "#e *courgettes ) P !

I

( ) %*+ ,-. 1 $:(%*&

!

1 was given a lot o money and e noon s is t I would prepare r a large evening in (wit 3 or 4 . e e is r example o my courgette but its delicately subtle r and y t texture is well wort e . e bee dis is r kettle o entirely. Eac ingredient s its own strong and distinct r but r steaming away r e e s e t t e e is sweetened by e e gras to create g quite superb. A y brew to be d wit a y Bordeaux. e last course is a very t sorbet designed to revive e senses by its p purity. e a gastronomic summer. Good luck and

Season wit a small amount o black pepper and give a good stir. s is probably as good a time as any to put e oven on to . You'll need to get it up to 180°C or Gas Mark 5. Now r a good egg e beating session. e need to be beaten up until y m t peaks". I reckon s silly term means t a spike o e m sort o curls over and dies away in about 20-30 seconds. Anyway e best way o g s is to use a bzzzzz e

%*

G*+

G*&2 ^2(

D'&*&$%

/0

! XY ($ /$P *+&B +: %*+

I *+% %*+ !

%*& ( ' %*$ ) %* E$P *+:

here somewhere ...

BOEUF ROSSIGNY *" *" ®"

(+

+AA& !

1 kg prime t o bee (sirloin) 250 g e gras d'oie 1 e (tuber melanosporum) 1 roll pastry

Unlike

%'C A DC

"#e last

recipe

%*+s

!

is a piece o cake.

| : ( '%C:$%&Ay you E+F *t MNO e to extend your G*&y won't (B&'J '$ t to pay + (r %* e ingredients. &+%*&' ) unless you go to XYe be very easy to :d }~ e *$ '$( * s Emporium. Foie gras is a $% G'C A

EC 2 *'(( I *+P * ( %* DC

goose's liver cooked and preserved in its own . e is a black m grows underground in 1" round lumps. As r e pastry you could mess about making your own d e recipe a t ) but I really recommend you d a commercial version. y work . e t o pastry and roll it Take around e t (pat it dry wit a teaclot . Trim e pastry but leave a 1" overlap to seal. Take e t out and spread e e gras over e pastry (not on e edges). Slice e e into very n ) slices and lay m on to e e gras. Season wit ground pepper and y place e t in e middle. y prepare an egg was (1 egg yolk and two tablespoons o water mixed wrap e pastry around e t and seal e edges wit e egg . To make a real impression draw a pretty picture on e pastry by scoring it wit a very p e or cutter (don't cut deeper n about 2mm) and brus wit e rest o e egg . d to 180°C or Roast in e oven Gas Mark 5 y e same as r e ) r 1 . Serve in slices wit some t vegetables like runner beans and boiled new potatoes or .

+: %*)

+:& G*& *&& ! D 2 C * %*"# +AA& * +'2%3 "# +AA& XY ( + %' A %* XY "# F * "# %C*& %*+ 2&& %*' (C %* ( + * + AA XY +AA& XY* I:$+ %A ! %(F&%*&'3 ) +AA& "# * "# "# "# I$ 2 * * 2 *$ ' e:+ XY %*$ * * XY %* * / I$ 2 %& D'&*& $ *"# +A %* ( %* 2(C A& *(C ' ) $:J * A+F *

G RAM O LATA *" ®"

1 kg red currants 1 kg raspberries 300g sugar

%*+

/0 %*+

XY E$24# *&' + ' K * * %* "# C P ( * %*& * XY * XY

s one early. Again e best You need to start tool r s is a mixer/blender type . e alternative is a large bowl and a potato . r way you need to extract e e m e . Grind crus or mas e berries. Drain e out wit a sieve and n put e as muc remaining slurry into a clean teaclot (or muslin clot i you've got it). Pick e clot up by e corners and twist it round and round to squeeze as muc liquid out as possible. Add e sugar to e s and stir until it s dissolved. Pour e liquid into a wide w container e dreaded Tupperware is very good r ) and place in e . k progress every Vz r or so. na n m s d take k and break up e eo e ice by raka ing it. Return to e r and repeat every Vz . Always rake in e same direction. e aims to get a y dry slus wit long n crystals. I can't tell you w long s d take as it depends on e number o lost n pea bags e are in your .

+%*& ' +% %* C *K + CP XY

%* "# *(C (' £¤¥¦

*!

* %* K C +P&

*$ * AA 2$(

XY

( %*+2 '&&¡&' *& XYUVW %*+¢ +AP * 'E& %* 2C ' $P $%* ( %* '&&¡&

"# * * %*+ 4# $ +'A * %*+ 2 *(C A ( ! '(¡& "# %*&' '&&¡&' *+AA& d glass coupes wit * Serve in P * ED & P $ $F : .

14

24 June 1998

NEWS REVIEW

All n i i Campbell's bdiup

Ne w A

n o t h e r year, a n o t h e r editor, a n d a n o t h e r g r o u p of stories p r o d u c e d by t h e c o m b i n e d efforts of a n e w g o v e r n m e n t , a n o l d I C U P r e s i d e n t , v a r i o u s A c t s of G o d , a n d a gaggle of o v e r - e x c i t e d s c i ence, technology and medicine s t u d e n t s . For t h o s e of y o u w h o s p e n t the w h o l e y e a r in b e d , h a d a p e r m a n e n t h a n g o v e r , or d e c i d e d t o g o t o France i n s t e a d , w e tell y o u w h a t h a p p e n e d , h o w it h a p p e n e d , a n d w h o w a s c o m p r o m i s e d in t h e process...

Issue 1092: 3 October 97

Flood Y o u w o u l d think that it w a s r e a s o n ably possible, g i v e n the w h o l e s p h e r e of h u m a n k n o w l e d g e , t o k e e p w a t e r f l o w i n g w h e r e it is s u p p o s e d t o be. H o w h a r d c a n it be t o c r e a t e a p i p e that will not burst? Q u i t e t r i c k y for S o u t h s i d e H a l l , apparently, who experienced s o m e t h i n g of a rupture in their p l u m b i n g o n the 7 S e p t e m b e r . T he resultant c a s c a d e of this W a t e r of Life a f f e c t e d m o s t of the hall's staircases a n d f o r c e d the L i n s t e a d housekeeper, Sheena M c D o n a g h , t o s p e n d her e v e n i n g in a less interesting way than she had planned. A l r e a d y slightly a n x i o u s freshers m a y have b e c o m e e v e n m o r e c o n c e r n e d u p o n s e e i n g Felix's front page d e p i c t i n g t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n of security dogs on the South Kensington c a m p u s , presumably to fight off the crack, o r g a n i s e d , c r i m inal s q u a d of m u g g e r s , d r u g dealers a n d c o n - a r t i s t s that p a t r o l Imperial C o l l e g e b o t h night a n d d a y . O n e problem with w h i c h these canine p o l i c e m e n s e e m e d unable t o d e a l was the spontaneous combustion of the Sherfield c a s h m a c h i n e , s u p p o s e d l y c a u s e d by a m a l f u n c t i o n i n g receipt printer. M u l d e r a n d Scully w e r e s u b s e q u e n t l y c a l l e d i n ; Beavis

1097: 7 November 97

a n d B u t t - h e a d w e r e h e l d for q u e s tioning,

after

witnesses

spotted

Bones

t h e m trashing the Sherfield coffee stall.

• .•

. . .:

1093: 10 October 97

Homeless M o r e c o n c e r n for n e w l y - a r r i v e d IC s t u d e n t s , u p o n n o t i c i n g that o n e of the Halls of R e s i d e n c e w a s falling t o p i e c e s . Luckily it t r a n s p i r e d that only an ornamental section of Garden Hall's "dental course" had c o l l a p s e d , a n d t h e rest of the b l o c k w a s d e s c r i b e d as "[being] in a n a c c e p t a b l y safe c o n d i t i o n " . This d i d not help I C U P r e s i d e n t Eric A l l s o p , w h o failed t o be a n y w h e r e near t h e m a s o n r y w h e n it fell, a n d h e n c e w a s n o t p u t o u t of his fifteenm o n t h Presidential m i s e r y . It w a s just as w e l l that o u r existing Halls w e r e m a n a g i n g t o s t a n d t h e test of t i m e , t h o u g h , g i v e n t h e o t h e r f r o n t - p a g e article this w e e k , "IC A c c o m m o d a t i o n at Crisis Point", describing the heartw r e n c h i n g story of s t u d e n t s h a v i n g t o live in C l a y p o n d s rather t h a n in nice l o c a l halls. Spare a t h o u g h t for the people sleeping on the E m b a n k m e n t : I read a story o n c e about a student w h o spent t w o y e a r s in a tent. I a m also rather surp r i s e d that w e d i d not e n d u p runn i n g a story: "Three h u n d r e d IC freshers have r e s i g n e d f r o m their c o u r s e s after w o r r i e s a b o u t c r i m e o n - c a m p u s " a l o n g s i d e the p i e c e s e n t i t l e d " C l a y p o n d s Thefts Restart" and "Equipment Nicked", and a potential alcoholic catastrophe: the U n i o n ' s t r o u b l e in o b t a i n i n g a Public Entertainment L i c e n c e .

1095: 24 October 97

Poison Gas S k i p p i n g h i g h o v e r Issue 1094, w h i c h s e e m s t o have b e e n e r a s e d f r o m history, w e discover that " P h y s i c s Leaks D e a d l y F l u o r i n e " : a l t h o u g h n o t very o f t e n , thankfully this w a s c a u s e d by thre e d i s u s e d cylinders of the gas w a i t i n g t o be c h u c k e d o u t . There w e r e also c o m plaints by IC's Safety O f f i c e r that m e m b e r s of staff h a d b e e n s e e n g a z i n g o u t of w i n d o w s w h i l e the a l a r m w a s raised all a r o u n d t h e m . Perhaps they were attempting to

•

-1

stay as far as p o s s i b l e a w a y f r o m S o u t h s i d e Bar, w h i c h s a w the first of its m a n y brawls this w e e k .

1096: 31 October 97

Let's Get Sued T he front p a g e story o u t l i n e d IC's p l a n s t o build its o w n p o w e r s t a tion, apparently churning out 3 . 8 7 5 M W - n o t e that this is still o n l y 0 . 3 2 % of the 1.21 G i g a W a t t s required to help out a trapped M a r t y M c F l y . C a s e s of m e n i n g i t i s w a s o n c e m o r e r e p o r t e d at a harassed Cardiff University, and there w a s s e e m i n g l y s o m e a f f l i c t i o n at t h e Felix office as w e l l - p u b l i s h e d in this issue w a s the infam o u s story a b o u t t h e C o n f e r e n c e C e n t r e w h i c h c o s t the e d i t o r v a l u able a p o l o g y s p a c e for the next t w o issues. It w a s either that, or get s ued. Other bad news: Blunkett's t u i t i o n fee s u g g e s t i o n r a i s e d its ugly h e a d for t h e first of m a n y o c c a s i o n s here, w i t h the n e w s that t h o u s a n d s of p r o s p e c t i v e s t u d e n t s were being discouraged from a t t e n d i n g University by the financial pressure i n v o l v e d . It w a s p r o b a b l y also a b o u t this t i m e that A n d r e w H e e p s (not P r e s i d e n t y e t , r e m e m ber) f o r m u l a t e d his c h e e s y "ability t o learn rather t h a n ability t o e a r n " q u i p . A future in the H o u s e of L o r d s b e c k o n s , surely.

O n e of t w o n e w s stories w r i t t e n by y o u r s truly this year w a s e m b l a z o n e d in g l o r i o u s t e c h n i c o l o u r (well, o r a n g e a n d black) a c r o s s the front page of an issue w h o s e d e s i g n w a s d e s c r i b e d as b o t h " v i l e " a n d "great" in s u b s e q u e n t letters p a g e s . This s u p e r b l y w r i t t e n slice of po lyc hro m atic drivel detailed a m a r c h in p r o t e s t against the introd u c t i o n of t u i t i o n fees. A p h o t o g r a p h t a k e n at the m a r c h d e p i c t e d the t w o n e w I C U Presidential c a n d i d a t e s b e i n g o v e r s h a d o w e d by a s k e l e t o n - c o u l d it have b e e n the g h o s t of N e w Election? A n o t h e r p i p e burst this w e e k , m u c h t o the a m u s e m e n t of a n y o n e not d o i n g M e c h a n i c a l Engineering: a s t e a m p i p e o n the fifth floor of the b u i l d ing t o o k it u p o n itself t o c a n c e l a few lectures, and create an impromptu sauna. There w e r e also t h e hustings for the jobs of DP(C&S) and ICU President, although m a n y w o u l d rather have s e e n it as a v o t e d e c i d -

•

B \ ing w h e t h e r Eric A l l s o p s h o u l d be let o u t o f his c e l l after fifteen months.

1098: 14 November 97

Rag Mag Slagged D e m o c r a c y d e c i d e d that A l l s o p s h o u l d i n d e e d be r e t u r n e d t o the w i l d , as Charlie Joynt a n d A n d r e w Heeps were selected to climb up t h e ziggurat o f c o m m a n d by t h o s e v o t e r s that d i d leave their b e d s . T he d e f e a t e d Presidential c a n d i d a t e w a s M a r k Baker, a n d m a y I say that he has not s t o p p e d w h i n ing a b o u t the k i t c h e n sink since. There w e r e c h u c k l e s all r o u n d at

24 June 1998

t h e unfortunate N o r r i s M c W h i r t e r , w h o h a d a slight a c c i d e n t w i t h t h e barrier in the IC car park resulting in his te e t h b e i n g " d a m a g e d " . H m m . R a g also s u f f e r e d a s e t b a c k w h e n their m a g a z i n e c a m e u n d e r heavy c r i t i c i s m for c o n t a i n i n g j o k e s of an " u n a c c e p t a b l y racist a n d h o m o p h o b i c " nature. N o c h a n g e there, then.

1099: 21 November 97

M o a n i n g Witch It c o u l d n ' t be l o n g before w h i s p e r s o f IC s p o r t s t e a m s a n d t h e i r d e s t r u c t i v e capabilities b e g a n t o filter t h r o u g h into t h e office. This w e e k , the first of t h e s e i n c i d e n t s w a s g i v e n the g l o r y of t h e front page: s e e m s the football t e a m ( I C U A F C ) g o t a bit t o o r o w d y s o m e w h e r e a l o n g their " H a m m y T e n " p u b c r a w l . O n e of t h e p u b s ' staff d e s c r i b e d the team as " e x t r e m e l y o b n o x i o u s " - surely he w a s m i s t a k e n ? A l s o o n t h e front p a g e w a s t h e n e w s that Sir Patrick M a y h e w had c o m e to educate the i m p r e s s i o n a b l e C o n S o c flock; he w a s q u o t e d as s a y i n g t h a t he " d e s e r v e d an O s c a r " . W e p a u s e t o c o n s i d e r the quantity of legislation r e q u i r e d t o a w a r d all C o n s e r v a t i v e M P s a n O s c a r at the c e r e m o n y b e f o r e g o i n g h o m e for some c a n n a b i s ... n e w s . R e a d e r s will h a v e either s m i l e d or f r o w n e d at t h e b l o c k s of h a s h i s h - b a s e d e n l i g h t e n m e n t w h i c h have d r o p p e d f r o m t h e p u r p l e h a z e this year, but a s m a l l article h e r a l d i n g B M A o b s e r v a t i o n s c o n c e r n i n g u s e of c a n n a b i s for medical purposes d i d appear with t h e m o s t excellent h e a d l i n e : " B M A Deals B l o w t o A n t i - D r u g s L o b b y " . N i c e o n e , Features Editor. O t h e r w i s e , t h e c a r e e r s fair received record turnout, and Helen-Louise Windsor was awarde d the post of R C S U President. L u c k y her.

15

NEWS REVIEW

1100: 28 November 97

1105: 30 January 98

Co mput e r Sex

Buses Don't Float

T he P r i n c i p a l Sheaf of t h e S t u d e n t s ' N e w s p a p e r at Imperial C o l l e g e w a s t h e site of m i x e d fortunes o n this particular Friday m o r n i n g . Firstly ther e w e r e t h e P r a e d Street rapes (bad n e w s ; o n this w e shall not dwell) f o l l o w e d by n e w s of a s e c o n d large d e m o n s t r a t i o n against t u i t i o n fees ( g o o d n e w s . W h y , I'd s h o w the b l o o d y government a t h i n g or t w o if I c o u l d just get o u t of this chair.) G o o d n e w s for excitable a n d sex-starved computing students th i s w e e k w a s that D O C w e r e r e c e i v i n g a Fujitsu A P 3 0 0 0 c o m p u t er. This w a s (and w i t h luck, still is) e q u i p p e d w i t h the f o l l o w i n g attributes: eighty n o d e s , 12.5 G b of m e m o r y , 3 3 6 G b of internal drive s p a c e a n d a t h e o r e t i c a l p e a k performance of 45.6 Gigaflops. (Steady, now.) O h , and the Chemistry undergraduate c o m m o n r o o m was closed: presumably the s p a c e w a s n e e d e d for s t o r i n g m o r e c h e m i c a l s for fabricating d r u g s a n d explosives.

1101: 5 December 97

Bang! Y o u w e r e n o d e c e n t s t u d e n t if y o u d i d n o t at least have a q u i c k g u f f a w at the "Chemistry Computer M e l t d o w n " . Felix r e p o r t e d : " O n S u n d a y 16 S e p t e m b e r . . . all lights... b e g a n t o flicker a n d b l o w ; t h e air conditioning system failed; dorm a n t e l e c t r i c a l a p p l i a n c e s eerily s w i t c h e d t h e m s e l v e s o n a n d the c u l m i n a t i o n c a m e w i t h the e x p l o sion of electrical e q u i p m e n t " m o s t a p o c a l y p t i c . C o u l d this be t h e e n d of t h e w o r l d as w e k n o w it...? It w a s quite a n a m u s i n g w e e k all r o u n d for t h o s e f i n d i n g p l e a s u r e in cock-ups: apparently new electronic l o c k s fitted in Beit H a l l c o u l d be o p e n e d u s i n g the o l d c r e d i t - c a r d trick, w h i c h will have p l e a s e d a lot of robbers f a n c y i n g t h e m s e l v e s as Clint E a s t w o o d .

1102: 17 December 97

Drugs A f l a m i n g p i e c e of p a p e r s t u c k t o a d o o r , again in Beit H a l l , r e s u l t e d in t h e residents s t a n d i n g o u t in their p y j a m a s for a w h i l e . V e r y fetching, ln fact, it s e e m s likely that t h e w o r d s " L o o k o u t , Security is c o m i n g " m i g h t w e l l have b e e n w r i t t e n o n the paper. Naughty students w h o s h o u l d have k n o w n better were caught s m o k i n g the o l d Jamaican Woodbines in both L i n s t e a d a n d Beit, p r e s u m a b l y g e t t i n g into the C h r i s t m a s spirit rather t o o early.

Politics bore m a n y p e o p l e , s o I C U w a s in for a treat w h e n t h e p a p e r s w e n t u p for y e t a n o t h e r r o u n d of s a b b e l e c t i o n s . The I C U B o a t C l u b ' s fortunes i m p r o v e d this w e e k , w h e n s o m e p h i l a n t h r o p i c part of s o c i e t y decided to hand them ÂŁ 7 0 3 , 5 0 0 for r e s t o r a t i o n of its P u t n e y training site. It is also w o r t h n o t i n g that the Boat C l u b h a d rather w o r s e luck the w e e k after, w h e n their m i n i b u s w a s f o u n d f l o a t i n g in the T h a m e s . Still, I'm sure t h e y c a n a f f o r d a n e w o n e .

1106: 6 February 98

1103: 16 January 98

Heeps, A n d y Heeps

Art Critics

I C U P r e s i d e n t s are like James B o n d a c t o r s . Each has his or her o w n classic style t o b r i n g t o the job. This was highlighted w h e n A n d r e w H e e p s a n d Eric A l l s o p d e s c r i b e d the floundering City and Guilds U n i o n as " a j o k e " a n d " a b u n c h o f a r s e " r e s p e c t i v e l y . S o w h i c h o f the t w o is G e o r g e L a z e n b y ?

1 w o u l d n ' t like t o be a builder. M o r e particularly, 1 w o u l d n ' t like t o have b e e n o n e of t h e builders w o r k i n g o n M e c h Eng r e n o v a t i o n s this w e e k i n January, w h o d i s c o v e r e d a d ec ad e-o ld severed h u m a n foot p l a n t e d as a p r a n k by s o m e m e d i c s years before. Many students w i s h e d that t h e f o o t h a d b e l o n g e d t o D o u g l a s Trainer, N U S P r e s i d e n t , as s t u d e n t u n i o n s n a t i o n w i d e d i s p l a y e d dissent at the N U S ' h a n d l i n g of the t u i t i o n fees issue. Arguably the m o s t dramatic h a p p e n i n g of the year w a s c h r o n i c l e d in 1 1 0 3 : t h e 2 2 - C l u b , R C S elective s o c i a l c l u b , w a s b a n n e d for t w o years f r o m all C o l l e g e p r e m i s e s following a slight faux pas. M e m b e r s d i n i n g in the M a i n D i n i n g Hall d e c i d e d t o e x p l o r e the A n t e R o o m Gallery, n o t realising that a n art e x h i b i t i o n lay r e a d y t o be o p e n e d in a f e w d a y s . Felix r e p o r t e d : "...the revellers... began to abuse the artworks... with wine, cigarette burns and v o m i t . A n offensive n o t e w a s also f o u n d ... d e s c r i b i n g the p e r p e t r a t o r ' s o p i n i o n . . . " The d a m a g e w a s e s t i m a t e d at a b o u t ÂŁ 7 0 0 - let's just thank G o d that ther e w a s toilet p a p e r in the lawy.

1109: 27 February 98

Drugs II D e s p i t e t h e rather fascist d e m o c r a c y s o m e t i m e s e m p l o y e d by the m e d i c a l s c h o o l s t o rig I C U e l e c t i o n s , four sabbatical p o s t s w e r e filled first t i m e r o u n d : E d S e x t o n (Felix), D a v e W h a r t o n (DP F&S), D a v e H e l l a r d (ICU President) a n d A d a m C h e r r i n g t o n (DP C & S ) w e r e all b l e s s e d by t h e b a l l o t b o x . Waterstone's, having cheekily s w i p e d the C o l l e g e b o o k s t o r e d e a l , d e c i d e d it w o u l d be quite nice t o start selling c a r d s a n d stationery as w e l l - w h a t ' s next? Fridge freezers? M e n w e r e b e h a v i n g badly o n c e again: the I C U football Fourths w e r e in t r o u b l e for a c t i n g in a " d r u n k e n , r o w d y m a n n e r " at B a t h U n i o n . A representative of B a t h U n i o n w a s q u o t e d as s a y i n g "they w o n ' t be very w e l c o m e h e r e " . Still, at least that m e a n s t h e y c a n ' t a c t u ally lose t o B a t h a g a i n . This w a s also t h e m e m o r a b l e w e e k d u r i n g which N e w Scientist allegedly

16

N uncovered

24 June 1998

NEWS REVIEW

the

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Health

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the Rag Slave A u c t i o n . Observant

1110: 6 March 98

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Felix....

C r o s s a n d St. M a r y ' s , r e s c u i n g t h e m f r o m a n u n c e r t a i n future. This c a m e just in t i m e for t h e s t u d e n t s , w h o m i g h t o t h e r w i s e h a d t o have c o n t e m p l a t e d a w e e k at C o l l e g e , sober.

Ted Dead Felix w a s guilty of s t a t i n g the o b v i o u s w h e n an article o n p a g e 2 e n t i t l e d " C C U s - N o b o d y C a r e s : It's O f f i c i a l " utterly failed t o raise any e y e b r o w s . C r a p n e w s of t h e w e e k w a s the d e a t h of D e r m o t M o r g a n , C 4 ' s Father T e d : a m i n u t e ' s silence w a s h e l d in t h e Felix o f f i c e , a l t h o u g h that m i g h t just have b e e n b e c a u s e n o b o d y c o u l d think of anyt h i n g t o say.

1112: 25 March 98

1114: 8 M a y 98

Drugs ill

Bomb Scare!

... l e a d i n g t o t h e s h o c k arrest of Felix e d i t o r J e r e m y T h o m s o n , w h o w a s r e p o r t e d t o have i m p r e g n a t e d e a c h c o p y of Felix 1111 w i t h L S D . Luckily it t u r n e d o u t t o be a hoax, but this d i d not s t o p y o u gullible lot h a n d i n g in a large n u m b e r of c o p i e s of 1111 t o Security. (Shame o n a n y o n e w h o t r i e d t o ingest t h e c o v e r . Y o u k n o w w h o y o u are, y o u pliable fools.) M o r e d r u g n e w s this w e e k a p p e a r e d in the s h a p e of a p r o - c a n n a b i s m a r c h in H y d e Park: various Felixers w e r e present (purely for journalistic p u r p o s e s , y o u u n d e r s t a n d ) , but n o n e o f t h e m could remember what happened.

N e w s this w e e k w a s pitiful: the best front p a g e story w e c o u l d m a n a g e w a s e n t i t l e d : "IC Suffers Worst Ever News Drought". D e s p i t e this, s o m e a m u s i n g g u b bins d i d o c c u r ; 1C Security, t h e B o m b S q u a d and the police were c a l l e d in t o d e f u s e a b o m b in the Sherfield B u i l d i n g , w h i c h m a y have b e e n p l a c e d t o interfere w i t h a B i o l o g y final in t h e Great H a l l . The c o m p o s i t i o n of t h e b o m b w a s n o t q u i t e as c h u c k l e s o m e as last y e a r ' s effort: a l u m i n i u m c a n s a n d foil r e p l a c e d the m e m o r a b l e o v e r h e a d projector s c a m . A burglary a t t e m p t in Elec. Eng. w a s t h w a r t e d , s a v i n g t h o u s a n d s of p o u n d s w o r t h of c o m p u t e r e q u i p m e n t , but I rather w i s h t h e y h a d stolen my coursework before escaping. M o r e important news this w e e k c a m e in t h e s h a p e o f a c o l l e c t i o n of p o s s i b l e cures for c a n cer (but d o n ' t start s m o k i n g yet, kids.)

1111: 13 March 98 1115: 15 M a y 98

Lingere IC m a n a g e d t o b a g m o r e research f u n d i n g t h a n a n y other university, i n c l u d i n g O x f o r d or C a m b r i d g e , begging the question: h o w m u c h d i d this c o s t IC in bribes? S h e r l o c k H o l m e s w a s c a l l e d in t o e x a m i n e a c a s e o f b l a c k m a i l as College d e m a n d e d 7 0 % of the p r o c e e d s f r o m the w a l k w a y S T A Travel s h o p : A n d r e w H e e p s d e s c r i b e d it as "the w o r s t d a y of m y P r e s i d e n c y " . Felix s u s p e c t s that he w a s just suffering f r o m a h a n g o v e r . The I C U Football team systematically trashed a h o t e l , i n c u r r i ng I C U o v e r a t h o u s a n d p o u n d s in c o s t s - a p p a r e n t l y this s u m i n c l u d e d a bill for " a n entire silver cutlery set a n d a painting, w h i c h h a d b e e n t o r n d o w n a n d urinated o v e r " . L o v e l y . O t h e r lovely h a p p e n i n g s i n c l u d e d a vary f e t c h i n g picture o f o n e Anjit C h a u d h a r i

©

1113: 1 M a y 98

Beer It t r a n s p i r e d d u r i n g the Easter h o l i d a y s that there w a s " T r o u b l e A h e a d for C a m p u s R e n a i s s a n c e " , d e s c r i b i n g delays in the c o n s t r u c t i o n of the £ 5 8 m Biomedical Sciences building. H a n d s u p all t h o s e w h o d i d n ' t p r e d i c t that a n y w a y . Imperial also m a n a g e d t o leap a h e a d of O x f o r d in t h e Financial T i m e s ' University Rankings, but I d a r e say there w a s n o c r i te r i o n in the rating s y s t e m i n v o l v i n g availability of w o m e n . O r a c c o m m o d a t i o n . O r , for that m a t ter, quality of s t u d e n t n e w s p a p e r . A l s o o c c u r r i n g o v e r Easter w a s g o o d n e w s for the m e d i c a l s c h o o l s ' bars: a private c o m p a n y s t e p p e d in w i t h a t e n d e r for b o t h C h a r i n g

Put §¨ t Fag Out A g r o u p of W a r d e n s and SubW a r d e n s put f o r w a r d the p r o p o s a l that s m o k i n g s h o u l d be b a n n e d c o m p l e t e l y in all C o l l e g e r e s i d e n c e s . This really very c h e e k y s u g gestion was treated with the c o n t e m p t it d e s e r v e d - t h e c a m p a i g n f a i l e d . There w a s terrible n e w s of s t u d e n t s b e i n g s h o t in I n d o n e s i a , w h i l e c a m p a i g n i n g for t h e r e s i g n a t i o n of President S u h a r t o . Six w e r e killed. Think y o u r s e l v e s lucky. Physicists might have been i n t e r e s t e d in t h e story d e s c r i b i n g h o w Australian astronomers had d i s c o v e r e d a s u p p o s e d n e w black h o l e . Let's h o p e t h e y haven't m a d e a Hubble-type mistake, where the scientists forgot t o take off t h e lens cap.

1117: 29 M a y 98

Resign There w a s trouble all r o u n d this w e e k . D a v e W h a r t o n , D P F&S elect, d e c i d e d t o resign his p o s t d u e t o a c a d e m i c difficulties. T he g r o a n s a r o u n d the U n i o n w e r e b r o k e n o n l y by the far-off c h u c k l i n g f r o m t h o s e at St. M a r y ' s w h o v o t e d ' N e w E l e c t i o n ' . B a d n e w s s p r o u t e d for King's College, whose Union M a n a g e r w a s s a c k e d for n u m e r o u s offences "including fraud and drunken behaviour". This m a n w o u l d p r o b a b l y fit i n w e l l in America, where students staged p r o t e s t s against a l c o h o l bans, a n d f a c e d tear g a s . O t h e r negative v i b e s i n c l u d e d t h e a n n o u n c e m e n t o f Tube strikes, a n d w o r s t of all, n o Felix for t w o weeks...

1118: 5 June 98

® ª«¬ ­ s Hall

A n o t h e r i n d i c a t i o n of the c o m p l e t e lack of s t u d e n t interest in the runn i n g of t h e U n i o n c a m e t o light w h e n the I C U A G M w a s t e r m i n a t e d by a s h o u t of, " Q u o r u m ! " f r o m M e c h . Eng. student A n d y Southern. He was supposedly protesting a b o u t the lack of s t u d e n t interest at t h e m e e t i n g , but I s u s p e c t he w a s just c l e a r i n g his throat. There w a s m o r e b a d n e w s for B r a b a z o n H o u s e , the C h a r i n g C r o s s hall, w h e n rain f l o o d e d t h e basem e n t . ( W h y is it s o h a r d t o k e e p w a t e r out? W h y ? ! ) This apparently led to a scramble during which p e o p l e h a d t o fill bags w i t h their p o s s e s s i o n s a n d take t h e m upstairs t o the safety of dry l a n d . It s o u n d s rather like a g a m e s h o w : a n y b o d y fancy t h e licence?

Issue 1119: 24 June 98

It's §¨¯s One Y o u ' r e r e a d i n g it. E r r m . . . s o m e t h i n g about STOIC being o n television. This w e e k , I d i d m y laundry a n d caught a horrible c o u g h . L o o k , just g o r e a d the n e w s s e c t i o n , O K ?

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Everybody

Rag Office (Behind the UDH)

24 June 1998

INTERVIEW

18

I

always h a d the Rector d o w n as a c h a p of s o u n d j u d g e m e n t , but after h e a g r e e d t o be i n t e r v i e w e d by y o u r s truly for a s e c o n d t i m e , I'm not s o sure. P e r h a p s I d o n ' t s c a r e the Suite Five p o s s e a n y m o r e ? Surely n o t . A n y w a y , I d o n n e d the flak jacket a n d h e a d e d for t h e inner s a n c t u m . Unlike last year, w h e n t h e a i m w a s m o r e

the England football s q u a d . There have b e e n p r o b l e m s , as e v e r y o n e realises, n o t least the f a c t that t h e b u i l d i n g is l a t e . N a t u r a l l y , I a s s u m e d that the R e c t o r w o u l d attribute this t o insignificant d i f f i c u l t i e s , s w e e p i n g t h e issue u n d e r the c a r p e t . I w a s very w r o n g . " W e have b e e n very d i s a p p o i n t e d o v e r the p e r f o r m a n c e of the b u i l d e r s . . . u n d e r t a k i n g s that w e have been given over deadlines and achievements have not b e e n m e t in a n u m b e r of c a s e s . " In Imperial-speak, this is s t r o n g stuff. " A l t h o u g h in

the a p p r o p r i a t e s u b - c o n t r a c t o r s have not p r o p e r l y t h o u g h t o u t t h e s y s t e m s that t h e y were putting i n " and were "not co-ordinated by t h e m a n a g e m e n t . . . in t h e last f e w m o n t h s , virtually all the c h a n g e s have b e e n of the latter k i n d . " Penalty clauses have b e e n m o o t e d b e f o r e , a n d it w a s c o m f o r t i n g t o hear that s o m e b o d y d i d , after all, have the s e n s e t o p u t into the original c o n t r a c t s , m a k ing p a y m e n t s d u e t o the C o l l e g e in the event of p r o b l e m s . " W e shall try t o recover unjustifiable c o s t s o r increases in c o s t that w e r e attributable t o the u n r e a s o n a b l e a c t i o n s of o t h e r s . " M e t h i n k s that Sir R o n m a y be rele-

p l e s of a c a d e m i c p r a c t i c e in s o m e universities, i n c o n c e i v a b l e t o t h o s e at I m p e r i a l . That is n o t t o say that IC is w i t h o u t fault. T h e r e are "certain areas w h e r e I believe w e are s e r i o u s l y d e f i c i e n t , " but s a d l y m y skills g a r n e r e d f r o m Book Enemy Interrogation t h e Ladybird failed t o elicit a n e x a m p l e .

Ÿ

The n o n - a c a d e m i c services o f f e r e d by IC are a little m o r e clear c u t . "I a m n o t s a t i s f i e d w i t h t h e facilities that w e p r o v i d e o ur s t u d e n t s " ; a s t a t e m e n t that m a n y w o u l d c l a i m w a s a n a f f i r m a t i o n of the blindingly o b v i o u s , but it is r e a s s u r i n g t o hear s u c h a n u n a m b i g u ous assessment of the situation. A c c o m m o d a t i o n is b e i n g u p g r a d e d , at l o n g last, w i t h S o u t h w e l l a n d Beit H a l l first in t h e f r a m e . N o n e w s y e t of S o u t h s i d e , t h o u g h

bricks a n d m o r t a r are already in p l a c e . This will be d o n e o n c e the m o n e y has b e e n f o u n d . The biggest project o n the h o r i z o n is t h e refurbis h m e n t o f t h e Royal S c h o o l of M i n e s . D e s c r i b e d by Sir R o n as " t h e biggest r e f u r b i s h m e n t t h e

MI am not satisfied with the facilities that we provide our students...^ C o l l e g e has ever d o n e " , h e p r e d i c t s that p r o ject c o u l d c o s t u p t o ÂŁ 4 0 m i l l i o n a n d in t e r m s of d i s r u p t i o n " w i l l be a n i g h t m a r e . " M a n y p e o ple feel that C o l l e g e is a l r e a d y a p e r e n n i a l b u i l d i n g site w i t h s c ant c o n s i d e r a t i o n give t o

i n t e r v i e w t o stick the b o o t i n , I m e a n t t o p o s e incisive q u e s t i o n s , the better t o elicit Sir R o n ' s v i e w s o n h o w t h e y e a r has g o n e . C l e a r l y t h e b i g issue at Imperial has b e e n the m e d i c a l m e r g er, m a d e tangible by the c o n s t r u c t i o n of t h e B M S . The c h a n g e s have g o n e b e y o n d t h e bricks a n d m o r t a r , r e q u i r i n g a major o v e r h a u l of the e x i s t i n g a d m i n i s t r a t i o n of the m e d i c a l s c h o o l s . This w a s "bigger t h a n w e t h o u g h t . A l t h o u g h w e k n e w the institutions w e w e r e m e r g i n g w i t h , w e d i d not a p p r e c i a t e q u i t e h o w large the job w o u l d b e . " Particularly w i t h regard t o the finances, this has " l e d t o perfectly u n d e r s t a n d a b l e d i s s a t i s f a c t i o n w i t h i n t h e m e d i c a l s c h o o l . " This is b e i n g r e s o l v e d by " c o n s t r u c t i n g a n e w division a c r o s s the o l d a c c o u n t i n g structure." S o u n d s fine, but d e p e n d i n g o n w h o y o u s p e a k t o , this p r o c e s s is far f r o m c o m p l e t e , w i t h little difficulties p e r s i s t i n g . Little d i f f i c u l t i e s s u c h as n o t k n o w i n g t o w h o m bills s h o u l d be sent. I trust this will be s o r t e d out before it builds into q u i t e a nasty surprise. A l l in all, g i v e n the d i s parate tribes that w e r e , in s o m e c a s e s j o i n e d in a s h o t g u n w e d d i n g , it s e e m s t o b e b e d d i n g d o w n reasonably. "The first y e a r of I C S M has b e e n t o u g h e r t h a n m o s t p e o p l e t h o u g h t , but a l t h o u g h there are still p r o b l e m s a h e a d , q u i t e a f e w are b e h i n d u s . . . the next m o u n t a i n t o be c l i m b e d is the arrival of t h e f r e s h m e n in O c t o b e r " , a p o i n t o n w h i c h m o s t p e o p l e at S o u t h K e n w o u l d surely agree. A c a d e m i c a l l y , there are challenges as w e l l , he s a i d , t h e biggest b e i n g " e n s u r i n g that this n e w a n d very a m b i t i o u s c o u r s e m e e t s [the s t u d e n t s ' ] expectations and ours." The B M S b u i l d i n g has b e e n the subject o f m o r e c o l u m n i n c h e s than the p e c c a d i l l o e s of

19

INTERVIEW

24 June 1998

v i e w of o l d c y n i c s like m e , w h o s a w all the c l a s s i c hallmarks of a n asset strip, the " p r i n c i p a l r e a s o n [for t h e merger] is that it offers an entry into a g r i c u l t u r e " , w h i c h Sir R o n s e e s as very i m p o r t a n t . "I believe that agriculture in t h e next c e n t u r y is g o i n g t o be very different t o agriculture in this c e n t u r y . " R e s e a r c h into c r o p s that g o e s b e y o n d g e n e t i c m o d i f i c a t i o n , t a k i n g into a c c o u n t c o n s i d e r a t i o n s s u c h as a t m o s p h e r i c a n d soil v a r i a t i o n s , is s o m e t h i n g in w h i c h the R e c t o r feels that 1C s h o u l d b e heavily i n v o l v e d . This d o v e t a i l s neatly w i t h the i d e a that the t w o big areas for r e s e a r c h in t h e next century will be e n v i r o n mental and medical science, the new crossdisciplinary areas that he feels s h o u l d d i s s o l v e the b o u n d a r i e s o f s c i e n c e m o r e a p p l i c able t o the n i n e t e e n t h c e n t u r y . A l l this s h o u l d h e l p t o b o o s t the C o l l e g e ' s s t a n d i n g , already i n d i c a t e d by the Financial T i m e s S u r v e y . T h o u g h p l e a s e d by t h e result, h e m a d e that p o i n t that "I c a n c o n s t r u c t league tables just as d e f e n s i b l e as t h e FT's that c o u l d p u t

with the a f o r m a l legal s e n s e , the o b l i g a t i o n s lie w i t h t h o s e w e have b e e n d e a l i n g w i t h , s o m e of the fault lies w i t h u s " , he c o n c e d e d . The loss of Prof John A r c h e r t o H e r r i o t - W a t t , f o r m e r D e p u t y Rector w h o w a s r e s p o n s i b l e for the project w a s a particular difficulty. A c q u a i n t i n g his s u c c e s s o r , Prof Bill W a k e h a m , t o o k a little t i m e , a n d c o u l d explain s o m e of t h e p r o b l e m s . O n e a n n o y a n c e highlighted by all i n v o l v e d in t h e project has b e e n the vacillations of s o m e of t h e g r o u p s d e s t i n e d for the building. S c h a l say that this has c a u s e d c o n s i d e r a b l e hassle, a n d Sir R o n s a i d that " w e p r o b a b l y d i d n o t exercise t o u g h e n o u g h

^ W e have been very disappointed over the performance of the builders... ^ d i s c i p l i n e o n the d e p a r t m e n t s . . . t o s p e c i f y their r e q u i r e m e n t s in sufficient d e t a i l , early, a n d m a k e t h e m s t i c k . " T o their credit, t h e b u i l d i n g a p p e a r s t o be extensively f u t u r e - p r o o f e d , w h i c h is a n o t h er w a y of s a y i n g that c o l l e g e p i t c h e d for t w i c e w h a t they n e e d e d a n d g o t a w a y w i t h it. The c o n stant t w e a k i n g of the d e s i g n inevitably d e l a y s w o r k , a n d m o d i f i c a t i o n s " d e r i v e d f r o m users c h a n g i n g their m i n d . . . are i n e x c u s a b l e . " H e c l a i m e d that recent c h a n g e s , r e s p o n s i b l e in part for t h e late o p e n i n g w e r e " g e n e r a t e d b e c a u s e

b y gated from Schal's Christmas card premier d i v i s i o n . H o w e v e r , in t h e final analysis, the B M S will c o m e in o n b u d g e t or t h e r e a b o u t s , w h i c h for IC is a m i r a c l e . T h e D e a r i n g R e p o r t affects all universities, but has particular r e l e v a n c e t o the Rector, s i n c e he h e l p e d t o p r o d u c e it. It c o n tains s o m e "Very g o o d p o i n t s , a n d s o m e p o i n t s a b o u t w h i c h I'm less e n t h u s i a s t i c . " Elaborating, he s a i d that the short t i m e s c a l e , c o u p l e d w i t h the t i m e t o bring the " d e l i b e r ately i n e x p e r t " c o m m i t t e e u p t o s p e e d left o n l y a b o u t t w e l v e m o n t h s t o c o m p i l e the r e p o r t . H e s a i d that p r o b a b l y t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t a c h i e v e m e n t w a s the d e m o n s t r a t i o n "that their c l a i m that universities w e r e significantly u n d e r f u n d e d has b e e n a c c e p t e d " by influential b o d i e s , s u c h as the C B I . O n t u i t i o n fees, he s a i d that "if y o u a c c e p t e d the p o s i t i o n that the financial p o s i t i o n w a s b a d , and y o u p u t that t o g e t h e r w i t h t h e a s s e r t i o n of all the political parties that there will be n o m o r e m o n e y , there is unfortunately o n l y o n e o u t c o m e . . . s t u d e n t f e e s " , a d e c i s i o n for w h i c h " n o o n e w a s e n t h u s i a s t i c . " It w a s n ' t all negative f r o m the p e r s p e c t i v e of the s t u d e n t s , he c l a i m e d . S o m e w e r e p l e a s e d by the " r e c o g n i t i o n that a n u m b e r of the assertions that h a d b e e n m a d e a b o u t t h e p o o r quality of services s o m e universities w e r e p r o v i d i n g w a s j u s t i f i e d . " Sir R o n s a w " a p p a l i n g " e x a m -

there are m u t t e r i n g s o n the g r a p e v i n e that s o m e t h i n g m i g h t h a p p e n ; for m y m o n e y , t h e o n l y r e f u r b i s h m e n t p o s s i b l e for S o u t h s i d e Halls requires a w r e c k i n g ball a n d d y n a m i t e . Plans for d e c e n t s p o r t s facilities are bac k o n the a g e n d a , after the failure o f t h e p l a n n i n g a p p l i c a t i o n for t h e L i n s t e a d t e n n i s c o u r t s . W h i l e he c l a i m e d that the r e a s o n s for rejection - i n c r e a s e d traffic - w e r e " b i z a r r e " , Sir R o n s a i d it w a s p r o b a b l y w i s e not t o p r e s s t h e issue as " s o m e battles are n o t w o r t h w i n n i n g . " H e l l h a t h n o fury like t h e K n i g h t s b r i d g e A s s o c i a t i o n s c o r n e d , a p p a r e n t l y . Instead, t h e plan is t o build o n t o p of the existing S p o r t s C e n t r e , a non-trivial task g i v e n that b u i l d i n g ' s l e g e n d a r y f o u n d a t i o n s . Lottery b i d s s e e m t o have g o n e o u t o f t h e w i n d o w , r e m o v i n g t h e n e e d for a lot o f features of m i n i m a l use t o the C o l l e g e , but essential for s u c h a p p l i c a t i o n s . A l l this s h o u l d enable a l o w e r c o s t s o l u t i o n , a n d the R e c t o r s a i d he e x p e c t e d s o m e a c t i o n w i t h i n "three o r four y e a r s . " O n the subject of Lottery b i d s , he c o n f i r m e d that the M u s i c &. A r t s C e n t r e b i d , a d e a d d u c k f r o m the o u t s e t in the o p i n i o n of m a n y , has failed. A g a i n , this r e m o v e s t h e n e e d t o s p e n d a fortune t o enable the public t o get in a n d c u t s t h e c o s t e n o r m o u s l y , g i v e n that the

S i m o n

the n e e d s of the i n m a t e s , w h o have t o w o r k a r o u n d a c o n s t a n t s t r e a m of n o i s e , g r i m e a n d g e n e r a l t a t t i n e s s . H e r e p l i e d that he has "never k n o w n a s i t u a t i o n w h e r e it has b e e n r e m o t e l y s a t i s f a c t o r y , " but d i d not offer any s p e c i f i c s u g g e s t i o n s as t o h o w this c o u l d be a d d r e s s e d . I h o p e that o u r friends in Estates will p a y particular a t t e n t i o n t o this as t h e y d r a w plans for the R S M . W h e n f i n i s h e d , the building will h o u s e the H u x l e y S c h o o l a n d the M a n a g e m e n t S c h o o l , f r e e i n g u p their highly desirable Exhibition R o a d h o m e , w h i c h will be l e a s e d o u t as part o f a p l a n " t o m a k e m o r e u s e of a c a d e m i c b u i l d i n g s " , t u r n i n g r e s i d e n t i a l p r o p e r t i e s " i n t o r e v e n u e s t r e a m s . " A very refreshing attitude indeed, and eminently sensible. A s part o f I m p e r i a l ' s p l a n t o t a k e o v e r t h e w o r l d , w h i c h has a l r e a d y s e e n the p l u n d e r i n g of L o n d o n ' s m e d i c a l s c h o o l s , o u r next target is little W y e C o l l e g e , near A s h f o r d in Kent. A r e p o r t o n the p r o p o s e d m e r ge r will g o t o the G o v e r n o r s next w e e k , b u t it will r e c o m m e n d the p r o p o s a l , l e a d i n g t o full i n c o r p o r a t i o n by 1 A u g u s t 2 0 0 0 , if W y e agree. C o n t r a r y t o t h e

B a k

O x f o r d at t h e t o p , o r I m p e r i a l . " N e v e r t h e l e s s , it's league tables w h e n y o u ' r e p o i n t w i t h w h i c h the R e c t o r

C a m b r i d g e , or better t o criticise near the t o p , a agrees.

I c o u l d g o o n for several m o r e p a g e s , s u c h w a s the range of t o p i c s that w e c o v e r e d , but s p a c e is against us. W e d i s c u s s e d m y pet subject, S h e r f i e l d , a n d b e y o n d Sir R o n ' s a s s e r t i o n that " n o a r e a is p e r f e c t " , a v i e w w i t h w h i c h I have a d e g r e e of s y m p a t h y , I w a s w o r r i e d t o hear that he feels that w e p r o b a b l y s p e n d t o o little o n a d m i n . This is s o m e t h i n g that m a y w e l l be a d d r e s s e d by in t h e future. O v e r a l l , I s e n s e d that t h e R e c t o r is, s l o w l y but surely, c o m i n g r o u n d t o m y w a y of thinking(l). It has, by c o m m o n c o n s e n t b e e n a fairly g o o d year, t o p p e d off n i c e l y by Birthday H o n o u r s for P r o f e s s o r s Jarman a n d Kibble a n d t h e IC S u m m e r Ball, for w h i c h I s h o u l d n o w be g e t t i n g ready. N e x t y e a r will be a real c hallenge, w h e n the m e d i c a l h o r d e s d e s c e n d . I w a i t w i t h b a i t e d breath.

20

FEATURE

24 June 1998

Tnnnnr 16/05/98

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t o prefix t h u s ) . But that IS m y p r o b l e m y o u s e e ,

t h a n if I w e r e t o u s e m y native t o n g u e , but t h e r e

natural d e m e a n o u r is that o f a n stick

overly s e n s i t i v e t o t h e beliefs a n d t r a d i t i o n s o f

S o o b v i o u s l y w h e n travelling t o a c o u n t r y like

s o n s , w e a r e the Kings o f the Effluent T r e a t m e n t

t h e c o u n t r y t o w h i c h I h a v e j o u r n e y e d . It h a s g o t

Thailand s w a t h e d in t h e mysteries o f B u d d h i s m

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t o t h e p o i n t w h e r e rather t h a n s p e a k English,

a n d a language u n t o u c h e d b y a n y t h i n g r e m o t e -

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s l o w l y a n d l o u d l y o f c o u r s e , I will r e m a i n m u t e

ly R o m a n it is n o t w i t h o u t a little t r e p i d a t i o n .

English. Y e s I k n o w that 1 c a n say this f r o m t h e

until I have sufficient g r a s p o f a language t o a t

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c a u g h t o u t t h e n I w o u l d b i d e m y t i m e until able

European a n d consequently have always

s h a k e s o f t h e h e a d every t i m e I c o m m i t t e d this

t o c h a l k o n e u p for t h e a w a y t e a m . This w o u l d

a s s o c i a t e d t h e fork w i t h b e i n g t h e i m p l e m e n t o f

h e i n o u s f a u x - p a s i n p u b l i c . A n d it b e g a n t o a g i -

usually b e a l o n g the lines o f s o m e t h i n g e n v i r o n -

choice with which t o g e t sustenance twixt plate

t a t e m e t o s u c h a d e g r e e that I s t a r t e d t o p i c k

a n d l i p m e a n t that o n m o r e t h a n o n e o c c a s i o n

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was going to succeed.

p l a c e here.

Reluctant Traveller Andy Thompson struggles with his cultural identity

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c o m m i t t e d t o m e m o r y w h i c h is m o r e than I c a n • D o n ' t eat w i t h y o u r left h a n d .

o n e M r s H u g h e s . This particular little o l d lady, a

say a b o u t a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e language,

cross b e t w e e n A u n t Flo a n d t h e child

• D o n ' t t o u c h a Thai o n the h e a d .

catcher

w o u l d delight in w h i p p i n g t h e s p o o n o u t o f m y A n d a myriad others but y o u g e t the drift.

h a n d d u r i n g p u d d i n g , stand over m e (her hot fetid

N o w as m u c h as I tried t o be a g o o d traveller, t h e

breath o n m y neck being the only thing s t o p p i n g

• D o n ' t p o i n t w i t h y o u r feet.

last t w o o n the list w e r e m y constant downfall a n d

m e f r o m dissolving in a p o o l o f chilled sweat), a n d

• A l w a y s dress conservatively w h e n in public.

not necessarily for the o b v i o u s reason.

m a k e m e s p o o n custard w i t h m y right h a n d . T h e

D o n ' t w e a r black w h e n invited t o s o m e o n e ' s

Let m e tell y o u about m y c h i l d h o o d . . .

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m e n t a l i.e w a t c h i n g p o l y s t y r e n e p l a t e s a n d p l a s m y h o s t s . A n d let's f a c e it if t h e tic b o t t l e s b e i n g t h r o w n w i t h g a y a b a n d o n by t h e o f E n g l a n d h a d t r i e d a n d failed I ' m locals i n t o t h e streets, rivers, c o u n t r y s i d e . Petty,

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Bangkok for fear o f being tarred w i t h t h e

• D o n ' t point at all.

ô ÉôM NOÒÒþ e

j

y the t i m e I land in C h i a n g M a i , b y p a s s i n g

house.

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butst

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p o s i n g for y o u r s n a p s h o t s .

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daeng'.

n y w a y , t h e c o n s e q u e n c e o f this t r a u m a t -

" C u l t u r e S h o c k " I c a n but e n d e a v o u r t o b e m o r e s e v e r e b o u t s o f m a l n u t r i t i o n . N o t g o o d for o n e t h a n just a n o t h e r Brit a b r o a d .

for

fool.

unuinnty,

n o w , w h e n travelling a b r o a d I find m y s e l f

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the G e r m a n s , albeit f o r entirely different rea-

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ly by the A n t i p o d e a n s , A m e r i c a n s a n d o f c o u r s e

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the w e a l t h a n d s m u g n e s s that is for ever Great

M a r s e i l l e s , t h e E n g l i s h m a n a b r o a d i s , at

best, a l o a t h s o m e figure. F o l l o w e d c l o s e -

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21

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ĂˆĂ‰ĂŠĂ‹ĂŒ

ey

24 June 1998

c o n s e q u e n c e o f c o u r s e being that very little ever g o t within a mile o f m y m o u t h . M a y b e this

I a m a n d have always b e e n t h e devil's child. I a m explains 3 5 years o f l o o k i n g u n d e r - n o u r i s h e d .

A

lu%uA/

W aUctv^d/ou^elvey

buy hyout aftef

layti

ntght

,rv

T§Ju

Tly^y

n d t h e n , w h e n y o u least e x p e c t it, life w i l l

t o b e b a c k i n T h a i l a n d , p r o p e r T h a i l a n d that i s ,

w a n t t o g e t o f f t h e Island t h e n t h e y m u s t e a r n

t h r o w s o m e t h i n g at y o u w h i c h p u t s s u c h

w h e r e I c o u l d p u t m y fork in m y m o u t h o r t o u c h

t h e right t o . M a k e t h e m learn t h e list o f D O N ' T s

trivialities i n t o p e r s p e c t i v e . 1 w a s , h o w e v -

m y p a r t n e r ' s f o o t a n d feel guilty a b o u t it. W h e r e

f o r f e i t i n g a n y e n t i t l e m e n t t o leave until t h e y d o .

er, u n p r e p a r e d for t h e o b j e c t in q u e s t i o n b e i n g

p e o p l e w o u l d laugh at m y a b y s m a l a t t e m p t s at

T h e m o n e y w o u l d c o m e p o u r i n g i n , t h e baht

t h e s i z e o f the Island o f K o S a m u i .

a foreign language, w h e r e I w o u l d n ' t feel like I

would

Having become

u s e d t o being a minority, I

h a d arrived i n B l a c k p o o l i n t h e high s e a s o n a n d

before t h e crash a n d t h e m o n e y c o u l d b e used

arrived o n t h e island t o b e c o n f r o n t e d by mile

it w a s t h e n that I s a w t h e light, a g e n i u s s t r o k e ,

to supplement the i n c o m e o f the p e o p l e in the

after m i l e o f lardy w h i t e flesh w i t h a lurid p i n k

a master plan.

G o l d e n Triangle n o w b e i n g d e p r i v e d t h e right t o

N a t i o n a l i s e t h e w h o l e f u c k i n g Island.

t h e m i n t o C h i a n g M a i t o b e g o n t h e streets. Fait

t h o n g u p i t ' s arse, b l o a t e d a n d s t r a n d e d o n t h e s a n d . This w a s t h e culture s h o c k I h a d n ' t b e e n w a r n e d a b o u t . Every d o n ' t o n m y list w a s b e i n g f l a u n t e d o p e n l y . M y first m e a l c a m e w i t h a knife

once

more

return t o t h e h e a d y

days

harvest t h e p o p p y s e e d , c o n s e q u e n t l y f o r c i n g

accomplis.

Treble t h e a l r e a d y t r e b l e d p r i c e s . M a k e t h e fat, D o that for m e , n o s o d that, d o it for y o u a n d I a n d a n o v e r - i n f l a t e d bill, w h i l s t t h e c o u p l e next flabby w h i t e puffy ignorant English, G e r m a n s , p r o m i s e that i n r e t u r n I'll d o t h e right h a n d e d t o m e s u c k e d e a c h o t h e r s t o n s i l s , s h e n a r r o w l y A u s t r a l i a n s , S o u t h A f r i c a n s e t al p a y t h r o u g h t h e s p o o n t h i n g . Even M r s H u g h e s w o u l d s m i l e a t failing t o stay i n her bikini. I l o n g e d o n c e again n o s e . C o n f i s c a t e their p a s s p o r t s a n d if t h e y that o n e .

22

gjl

X-RATED, H A N D S O M E S W O T

24 June 1998

Who i s t h i s Sexton c h a r a c t e r ? W h a t k i n d o f man i s E d w a r d . Thomas: S e x t o n , n e x t y e a r ' s F e l i x E d i t o r ? W h a t a r e h i s p l a n s and. a s p i r a t i o n s ? ' A n d why i s h e b a l a n c i n g o n a levitating M a l t e s e r s box? J o n T r o u t has a c o s y c h a t w i t h i n c o m i n g ' e d i t o r Sd S e x t o n on e t h i c s , e m b i t t o r m e n t c a f f e i n e and. f l o o r pie. $

´ §¨©ª« ¶·® ®¯¨°± ¦ ¬­ ² ³ ­µ­ editor §ª ¹º»¼ §ª½·°¾ ¯§ ^ next ¸ beaten Alok ¿ in ­ ÉÊËÌÊÍ ¶ ÆÇÈ «¯ ÀÁÁ election. In true à ÄÅ ² ­± tell me ´ ¶« ÎÏ Ð it ­­ ÑÑÑÑ

dward

D a u n t i n g , but I'm l o o k i n g f o r w a r d

ill

earing a big chocolate cake. ¯§ ­ readers

c o o l . M y p r e d e c e s s o r s a i d that to reciuit

§ õ¯· ó ô i mini wo ! lighvem ­ " · ± i - i n l f v Q i d therh i'il _y to i l ' t ' n a g a i n , e v e r y -

new

s t u d e n t s he h a d t o "drag r give t h e m a c a f f e i n e a d d i c t i o n a n d train t h e n 10

a bank

i'i count is Investing ii

oppres-

b e c o m e the c y n i c a l , e m b i t t e r e d o l d fwu ks in.u

l||jppft|e!

j o u r n a l i s m .• i d e s p e r a t e l y n c i d s

Well n. •

other d a y . W e have a p o l i c y of c h a r g i n g less tor

the a d u

.

•

• •. . .

even . i n ' . o - , i p

fifoundoul

hi

a d v e r t i s i n g for g o o d c a u s e s , w h i c h I intend to Mbhoid.

rc i i u i i f d . A n d there aren't any vaults niiy r n o i , .

¨ÒÓ« ¶´ÑÑÑ ² ­

´

§·

§

§

«¯ ¨ ¯ ¯ ª¯ How is Feli* going to be produced nexc year? is your opinion IC is run? ³ ­ way M y e n d of things will be the s a m e as a l w a y s : M o r e e m p h a s i s at IC s e e m s t o be g i v e n to k e e p A p p a r e n t l y I'm a n arts s f u d f | £ b e c a u s e I've just p e o p l e w r i t e for their s u b - e d i t o r s w h o fill t h e d o n e a d e g r e e in B i o l o g y . ing In profit than o t h e i universities, but that is a p a g e s a n d ! m a k e sure that e v e r y t h i n g k e e p s d i r e c t c o n s e q u e n c e of b e i n g tied so closely to h a p p e n i n g al the right t i m e . For the first t i m e in industry. O n a related v e i n , students d o i n g acaHave you passed it? several y e a ; ' , , felix will p r o b a b l y be p r i n t e d o u t - I d e m i c w o r k at IC over the s u m m e r often d o n ' t Yes. s i de ICLI. This has a d v a n t a g e s as w e l l as d r a w - | get Hall r o o m s b e c a u s e t h e y ' v e b e e n g i v e n over b a c k s . It will be easier to d o t h i i i g s like full to the C o n f e r e n c e O f f i c e , a n d I k n o w that all the c o l o u r but won't be as versatile a n d p r o b a b l y n o t r o o m s will not be u s e d . Stttd^nfs' ueresrs I a m as <, - ', ,„i i -i eyps* o f > i K s ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ as reliable as Inky. H o p e f u l l y it s h o u l d r e m a i n a s h o u l d c o m e first, thirty-something page newspaper with more ݧª°¾ than a c o u p l e of p a g e s o f n e w s . .. iblii iiCioo! eh f n g A y o u ­ it? ö × h'j>hlighting any e x a m p l e s of s u c h behaviour . ¨´´·Ý Þ ¯§ ­ new ­ Tell me about . v * r t h e H e * ! y e a r . This w o n ' t w o r k o n its o w n ; Co on... I w i s h I c o u l d . It is g o i n g t o be o n o n e o r o t h e r it is o p t o the s t u d e n t s t o put pres s ure o n the s i de of the Beit Q u a d a r c h , h o p e f u l l y in what is I don't k n o w a n y t h i n g m o r e n o w the biology c o m m o n r o o m . N a t u r a l light k n o w a b o u t c o m p u t e r s , 18th i

Tell

about

:

p h e t s a n d bitter.

Ideal Felix editor's

©ª¯ Ó·ª¶± ­

S ' p o s e s o . I have reai well you know... appear

stressed

\>

;•"<

i

f«C;

t-

.'

; . •••> •

-.1

:

.gh.

men?

intending

on starting

a student

N o , but I w o u k l like t o e n c o u i a g e

>-.-:• o d d fiewsi>:<pei

••

edstoi

••

I think

Are you lion?

¶¾§Ó ÑÑÑ ß

à

§ª¯

will you

rebel-

students

to

m a k e their o p i n i o n s k n o w n m o t e actively. N o t

§ °

do à ­

it all gets

too

e n o u g h u s e i s m a d e o f t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n s already in

whii<

p l a c e . Jm%; «cad«iftfe ,jjjppre$entatives. r

or

1

CCDs

relaxed a b o u t life

Find

Ideally suited d o i .

How are you prepared to goto protect edi ´Ó ÷¨©Þ corial ­­ cannabis; : I w o n ' t a c c e p t p r e s s u r e from t h e C o l l e g e o i I think that i h e i e is no m e d i c a l a r g u m e n t that ! f r o m rhe U n i o n . ; I t # i « S e c t o r or P r e s i d e n t d o n ' , c a n n a b i s s h o u l d b e illegal w h i l s t a l c o h o l arB like w h a t Felix h a s t o ' s a y v t h e y a r e m o r ^ h a n w e l c o m e t o w r i t e * letter. A s i o i ^ as m y writers ù úûü ýþ ¨´ t h ' e ' l a w , 1 will remain within t t * . ø defend them. •-" •"mKSgm

:

things that really b o t h e r m e are w o m e n d when

c a b l e TV S t o p s w o r k i n g . O h a n d

d e a t h . That's q u i t e impbrW||ifeV-> - 'Ö Ô Õ ±Õ:.

Do you like Woody No. §ª¯ ³

§ª« Ñ

Layout

w e e k this y e a r , s o m e w e e k s rs. but I h a v e h a d t o d o sixty pet

more than

nc

cent of m y

are we goi¨¯§ Ó

cry o n

her

shoulder.

§ª¯ ¯§ ³ are your personal views on ­ ·¯§ ¯§ ë ìíî ¨´ èéê èï ­ legalisation Starr à

¯§ª°

1

!

t

6s r, ri

• M-/- in (sit. ©ª¯¯´´

­ words yow Errrrrrrr. O o o o h g o d .

• >i.,- • ' ' I' . • • • §ª¯ 1 < • < • • • • '• • eve* , . : • < i.!<"!u ³ ñò |§,:;#i!S ð ' r e c o n v e n e . L o o k s g o o d in. '•:<:• ••nociia i year?

­¬

¯ÙÑ

° Ø ­×

>• •'

1

S

.

i n .

i

i•'i s

- ••

;

Hot L!: :

..

g e t . a : .• ,:

•••

i.'•,->••„..•'

gram in L o n d o n a n d d o well in your degree at

• ••

new

Û ÚÚ weeHf*

t

the

same

t i m e . I think that Ic is a

ufifvera&y rtu

'gain

W h e n it c o m e s d o w n to it. w h a t you'll see next

m o n e y , anc! money.

tures etc etc w e IÜ

E d u c a t i o n , E d uc ation"-'

1

Beit Q u a d , w i t h •

J,.'-.

t h e ' o n c e a Felix h

.;».•/•,.

- if p e o p l e just

>>ew office in •

sad

¨´

vou

° ¯ ­Ü

thai

What

happened

¯§·Ýª¶

continue

¨´

printing

Simon

Baker's

col-

i a n d I'd rather h a v e a g o o d c o l u m n f r o m time to education costs ^ t m ^ ^ f f l e ^ ^ O T ^ ^ ^ o r o n ^ ^ ^ r y week. We'll save see.

to

"Education,

t rid of §ª¯

Will you

fact that i s e e . f k n o w chat he-Is i n t h e last y e a r of his P h D .

we're h e a d i n g t o w a r d s a n A m e r i c a n s y s t e m

year d e p e n d s o n h o w m a n y n e w s writers, fea§

§ª½ ­

i

things. H o p e f u l l y a greaK-i contrlbirflt'.-i f r o m t h e AvtdT'n g « j n g fc

¨ § ­

sides o f t h e a r g u m e n t . T h i s c o u l d m e a n

:

thir.k that it is really difficult t o s u p p l e m e n t your

in c o n t a c t w i t h Chan,-,;

p e o p l e are d i s a p p o i n t e d w i t h m y editorials. V I / & V . - . -i

i f t . s o m e o n e rr> k e e p

s l e w In t e r m s of m y p e r s o n a l y w r i t l n g . I tend to sit o n iip .-}{<]} the \ f e n c e o n m a r r y tesueS, a n d try to see both

I c a n see w h y p e o p l e b e c o m e d r u g d e a l e r s . I

M e d i c al Colleges. W e V

ÿ

-i^.-i.-.-.

• • • ' • : /

llliifepfc WU. I!<#i«f.' 1%-.iVVjW^;<i: :

j'. . i f

criticisms

:

v a n t . . . . articles. A n d , u m lots of g i v e a w a y p r u r

c o n t a c t the

´ªÓ

ãã äåæç áâ â

'-

3 d n e w s article. I've p u t in

aff

about ten

§ª¯ ³

my girlfriend a n d

³ about ­ advertising? Will vou do · ¯§ §¨ business à companies à invest in oppres-

Do you like cake? • •!•.-i,.' fiooi j. ie

24 June 1998

FEATURE

23

A Long Time A g o , in a University Far Far Away... OR: H O W T O G E T A

A N D INSIGNIFICANT T H I N G D O N E A T IC

•az z-y.

D^t-.* Tu«, 12 M»y 199B 17:23:49+0100 »oa."Alek«ands Hallo J«ir«iny n

a

e

ds

to take

ai look

and coamant.

» > Best, wishes > .> .^ > Igor Aleksander >> »

Subjm Hate

>> Prom:

c t .• fla: fFwd:

A2t«rnative

Tue, 22 May 1998 16:01:42 F r e d

Felix

prospactus

wabaita]

+0100

<fellx@ic.ac.uk>

» »

Dear

» » » »

» » »

Prof

Aletsander,

Please UnJc

t o trie

find

new AP site,

Thanks, Jeremy

below

my request

nav A l t e r n a t i v e

s e e , /ias r e f e r r e d

me

and g i v e

t o you

t o trie

Prospectus f o r some

Tom p e r m i s s i o n

IC webmaster;

from

reason.

for a

the IC s i t e . Could

to create

you

As yo\i criecat

can

trie

t h e Xiruc?

Thomson

> Subject: RE: a l t e r n a t i v e p r o s p e c t u s w e b s i t e > Date: Hon, 11 May 1998 17:00:55 +0100 <t.weilSic.ac.uk> > From: "Weil, T.J." >

> Dear Jeremy > Suggest you raise t h i s one d i r e c t l y with the Pro-Rector f o r E x t e r n a l > Relations (Prof Igor Aleksander)

> >

> Tom

Subject: Alternative prospectus website Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 16:35:10 +0100 From: Fred Felix <felix@ic.ac.uk> Dear Web Master,

For the first time in... ohhh seven years, IC now has an alternative prospectus. Not only that, but i t ' s on-line at http://www.su.ic.ac.uk/ap/. Could you provide links to i t from the main college pages? An obvious (if not very prominent) place would be the place in the college prospectus where the existence of the alternative prospectus is mentioned http: //www. prospectus .ic.ac. uk/ug/scripts/pagedisp. asp?dept=Li£ e-Vat* mperial&fn=icu. inc).

Come to think of it, Felix is mentioned on the same page - could you link t h a t too? (http://ww i.su.ic.ac.'vak./^elix| r

Thanks, Jeremy Thomson.

24

FEATURE

24 June 1998

24 June 1998

25

FEATURE

It

i s l a t e on a Tuesday n i g h t , g c a s i n g time In S o u t h s i d e

intrepi i explorers, i W i c k y , S e r g a a n t M ' a r s a and ^ty: O f f i c e r (Names have b a e n changed t o p r o t e c t t h a g u i l t y ) f i n a l i s i n g t h a i r plans f o r tha e v e n i n g ' s a s s a u l t . ?>ialr a l e ; to s c a l e t h a Q u e e n ' s Tower E x t e n s i o n s o f t h e I m p e r i a l Gave System t o i t s h i g h e s t p o i n t - S r a a n Boma Peak 'and: " l e a v e a f l a g : ; i | o s t a i s - t h a i r e laiin to the f i r s t , ascent Tha^ a s s a u l t i3 "3t ^^ wlife thS graduation day c e l e b r a t i o n s f o r maximum e x p o s u r e o f t - i e l r -.rutty n d a a v o u r s . ;\) Onee :"fie delif l a d : p i . s a r a f i n a l i s e d t h e y make t h e i r way iiito ::thalr s;toraro eÂŤi:; ;:;f or;;sÂŤ;i;f l n t t | | i ; aquiprnen I n a c k . S i l ^ S S S : i ? ;iSHBICK. J l i m b i n g equipment? 3KECK.

-

e

at

!

:

;

; ;

::::

:

::

:

t

::

:

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, sv i H , ' i ' =• CHECK. J o l l y Roger? CHSCK, OK l o o k s 11 <e we a r e r e a i y to go l a i . . "

Sxhibitio irstll the s t r e e t Is l e s s : - t a t , they Jump the g a t e and c l i m b down t o t h e doorway entrance. Onca t h e s y s t e m tfeay c l a m b e r down i r o n ladder to tha : : | t u n n i l w h i c h heads;:; west::ytowardSi: t h a tjae l a r g e passageway , ^a

e

lily:: Prom: t h i si:: s m a l l ; rosja;;: l a ads;. a::;yil narrow a s c e n d i n g s t a i r c a s e i n t o a s e r i e s o f d i s u s e d r o o m s , and more s t a i r s u n t i l t h e f i r s t dome i s mat. Prom t h i s v a n t a g e p o i n t lr. i s p o s s i b l e t o s e e a c r o s s t h e London and hear the n o i s e o f the c i t y . A aiatal Winding s t a i r c a s e i n tha centre laad3 up i n t o t h e wooden i n t e r i o r o f tha green dome. T h i s area i s f u l l o f g r a f f i t i from the years ;

fig

Tunnel dives under floof and become unpleasar jsa it

thay pass

place of g r a f f i t i '

i r o o m t h e y a r r i v e d i n was a s o r t o f disused, faliing-Bpartimuseum with a number o f 1960s p i c t u r e s and p l a n s i n c l u d i n g p i c t u r e s o f t h e oli I m p e r i a l I n s t i t u t e and p i c t u r e s o f tha ' C o l c o t t Tower' (The o l d name f o r t h e QT)

"7 % 7% From #s point Wicky did a bit o ! : $d system were to be A $ # l % / M NO " / # y acrobatics and managed to gain a Engineering J K # y L s is now covered by " w more meters. Exploration went a medical building) and at e base o e e Q pace as we were able to put equipQueens tower. . e tunnel under P #R# #!n Road 7 ment R!:; t !r e * * * * * * expedition to good was B C DE FS + # leads directly into e back o 6 T U -% / % use - a bolting ! m and e Bosc drill! We !: # e bar as well as to a t to e roo o % " " % -/ 7 " %U / w scares during e bolting sessions , d a e . One excursion !:; # y but e only person + o noticed our activities pened to coincide wit e burglar alarm at e 7% + o lives down in e tunnels. was e old tramp science museum going ! and we were :; t " We spoke a w words occasionally to #m but by a snooping policeman as we were going in G " " -% generally n : t said ! . r about two years o some t talking being necessary! % - occasional exploration trips we #$ y managed During a Last V#; t o e Proms WXYZX[g ses to climb our way into e QT , rigging a permasion at e Royal Albert Hall \ Jism Wicky and / / 8 % - " nent o $g ! r : : e trips. . e # t person on M'arse managed to R: #t #r way into e car / : : e trips would always use a second dynamic park under e RAH. ] ^ _ `e Jism diverted e rope and e intermediate bolts wit extenders Guards attention Wicky and M'arse took a look 7 "7 % " " => % so k e rope in . On a later y could at a doorway at e back. It seemed to < e t U /% U &' ()*)' trip p Froggy took #s qrsl cave ! ! ; y equipr smell o disused tunnels and would be U / " ! ! s o e ment and took some excellent wort : r explorations. % " / t - R ! e dropping #s camera down it! But e most exciting lead o all was a 20 % c Assorted excursions continue , and a plan o metre t leading into a b t looked like a grat %U " e tunnels is gradually taking e (below). ing and n e #; s o a room in Queen's "/ % . e are many unknown leads still to investigate , Tower. Looking at defgh we realised t it wasn't " and e continuous building work destroys and possible to climb it , but wit e p o a bolt " -"Q reveals new passages all e time. Not n : t #R e lading kit and a w etriers (miniture Imperial College , but also e Natural History ders) , it was possible to get to an intermediate 7" ledge about 4 metres up. . e noise o e bolt- coming i j k l m no one seemed to care- no one Museum t e Albert Hall \ e Post u # , e " " 7 % " / => c v $ e ing r was clearly audible ! m e outside would < e imagined a b t we were actually try- London Underground and e Ministry o @ => "/ all < e tunnels on or next to e campus. o e tower , but as it wasn't clear + e it was ing to do.

' "RAT S O " ' ,

far

Many small passages: and stores

away...

v

i

P r i n c e s

G a r d e n

Princes

G a r d e n s

V

T

e stories and s o e labyrint o tunnels under Imperial " % College are ! #$g t almost every student o e College is &' ()*)' r + # . Underground rivers , links wit e Science Museum and " - " wit a nuclear bomb r in Hyde Park are "/ % common tales. . e was even a rumour t by 01 2213 4 5 6 / %/ , one g a certain passage $! + %7 would eventually reac two Guards wit #$e % /8 " 7 " / guns. . e most all came ! m d tale o a member o e Rugby Club + o later became / " /" ! e able to put union President (and was / " / #s considerable skills o ! #c to good use). " "/ % He claimed t ! + e in e tunnels was a % % very large $. . #s n ran permanently except &9 " 7 " r one !: r a day + n it was + # d ! to allow its bearings to cool- during #s period it / % was possible to step !:; e n and access a + ! e new series o tunnels.

It was wit more interest

%

n most

%

t cer-

tain members o e adventurous clubs around " " college listened to e tales. . y made it " #r aim to #$d out more , and over a period o " => a w years , exploratory trips < e been made around e campus. / 7 At # t it was necessity + # lead M'arse , Jism and Goss + o were living in ***** stores % - %/ to a # # # y o e tunnels nort o Prince Consort road. . e need to get into e stores " 7 "/ e was a : $ #! n going on at e union + n lead to e discovery o a tunnel leading under /"%7 " Prince Consort Road , conveniently d by / "climbing !:; a window into e stores # . /" "/ A desire to attend e ? ' Ball + # !: t pay/ ing led Goss on an obscure route !:; e Biology Department to e roo o Beit , around e roo and down Nort East stairs into e Ball walking past e back o e security guard. Exploration o e course o e pipes lead to e / " back o e S+G store room and a : r set o / nasty crawling passages leading #; t around Beit

quad. Wicky and Friends were more interested in e climbing potential around college , and over a / series o excursions managed to climb e ! $t @ / o e union as well as e ! $t o e RSM building. Working on a lab in e basement o "7 % 7% A $# l Engineering , Jism and M'arse began " % to explore #s area - y ! : $d t it is possi / ble to access e main tunnels very easily ! m "7 % 7% l Engineering during e e inside o A $# " day , but even at $#; t + n e main door is locked it is possible to get in via an obscure squeeze past a pipe. . e tale o e river was " cleared up + n a large pipe spouting water into an open tank was B C D E F . It did indeed sound like / a river ! m a distance. . e source o #s ! w is not known , but is unlikely to be caused by e combined toilet : o e building! G " %/ r a + # e e explorers started #$g " stories H and a w combined trips were undertaken. I e most convenient entrances to e

I

Tuhnel deep under road ! j '

Felix does NOT advise anyone to attempt to explore e tunnels. - I you insist S please note e ! ! + # $; : 1. Do no damage " 2. Close all doors R #$d you

100'ladders to roof, penthouse & level 4 gents

3. Pay attention to warning signs % 4 . Be aware t you risk exposure to asbesos 5. Take $! #$g away wit you % 6. Don't blame us i $ #$g goes wrong

26

24 June 1998

FEATURE

FEATURE

24 June 1998

lHHIHBHH^IE?^BIHKfl iS •••• / w

get

into the

executive

areas;

b e i n g i n v i t e d by a car c o m p a n y is a l s o a g o o d i d e a . H e r e ish, w h e n we .-.-.» - - . . - t f a S l ^ t h e

(P^vve

would

post

have

partaken

race festivities.

y o u get the full VIP t r e a t m e n t .

in

What

actually d i d w a s arrive after t h e

start, s p e n t m o s t of o u r t i m e a w a y f r o m t h e

Y o u a l s o n e e d t o be k e e n . If y o u ' r e n o t i n t e r e s t e d d o n ' t g o . There is n o t h i n g at t h e track for n o n - r a c i n g fans s o life w o u l d get v e r y d u l l , if y o u k n o w w h a t y o u ' r e t a l k i n g a b o u t it is q u i t e e a s y t o g e t a c o n v e r s a t i o n g o i n g o n the m e r i t s o f c a r b o n brakes e t c . w i t h a n o t h e r s p e c t a t o r , as t h e c r o w d is v e r y friendly, a n d

a n d leave b e f o r e t h e f i n i s h .

m o s t l y British. T h e r e a s o n is s i m p l e ; w a t c h i n g the r a c i n g is f u n , but only for a b o u t

combi-

t w e n t y m i n u t e s . Firstly y o u d o n ' t actually s e e m u c h , after all the cars

In s h o r t Le M a n s is very c o o l , but c a n ' t really h o l d it's

" that t h e y think w e

average a b o u t

own

could

s o m e t h i n g like a M c L a r e n , P a n o z o r C h r y s l e r a c c e l e r a t e y o u have t o

s h o u l d b e d o n e o n c e , but is unlikely t o b e c o m e a

p r o t e c t y o u r ears, e v e n

p e r m a n e n t fixture o n y o u r c a l e n d a r . If y o u g o enjoy

nation

Wwant.

of

all

possibly This

their engineer s

is

what

dream

120 m p h . S e c o n d l y t h e n o i s e is i n c r e d i b l e . W h e n

it, but d o n ' t hesitate t o d o s o m e t h i n g e l s e if y o u

if y o u are a h u n d r e d m e t r e s a w a y .

of.

get b o r e d . A f t e r all it is o n l y a c o u p l e of h o u r s t o

This, as far as t h e y are c o n c e r n e d , is IT, the d o g s b o l l o c k s . M I j ^ ^ ^ sips**"-

p

s

s

"

Before

I

A n d lets face it the P o r s c h e 1 9 9 8 91 1 GT1 is c o o l , i t s f a s t it c o r -

arrived early a n d s t a k e d a c l a i m t o a certain v a n t a g e - p o i n t . They h a d

ners, it c o s t s £ 6 0 0 , 0 0 0 , it d o e s n ' t d o j g j | g j ^ u

their chairs a n d s l e e p i n g bags. They h a d their t h e t m o s e s a n d s a n d -

Firstly I a m not a fan o f cars. Y o u c o u l d e v e n

hour g u a r a n t e e . It is, in s h o r t , ^ S ^ ^ ^ ^

it has a 2 4 -

y x

will c o n t a i n s o m e car w o r s h i p . Sorry.

e r o a d . But that is n o t

W e d i d n ' t g o specificaBy t o s e e

d u c e d , they all l o o k t h e s a m e , t h e y M H W I n J l h t i

|1

(k

^ %

w

w

e

e t

t

o

t

h

e

s

e

c

o

n

an

:

ivar-nte C s f i a .

:

;

i^s^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^P#.'-^&--§o^^^i^si

;

This, in m y o p i n i o n . Is t h e only w a y It s h o u l d be d o n e , . W e c a m e e x p e c t i n g n o t h i n g , w e w e r e grateful for w h a t e v e r w e g o t , a n d . w e had no obligation t o anyone. W h e n w e were . h u n ^ . - w e : w e n t into t o w n a n d ace, w h e n w e w e r e t i r e d w e s l e p t . There w a s n o n a g g f e e l i n g that w e w e r e not d o i n g it right, t r u e w e w e r e not

y o u st-e

j

Ferraris a n d P o r s c h e s . T h e s e really are unjustifiably p o w e r f u l , a n d e x p e n s i v e . T h e r e Is n o

But e n o u g h a i x > u u h e c a r % , * ^ of Paris, w h e r e every

yeeT« 24-

h o u r r a c e Is

southwest

d for

three c a t e g o r i e s

T o m a k e t h e best o f terVSans requires p l a n n i n g . You s h o u l d get a pit f

lane p a s s ( t u m o u r

¢

¡

it

t h e s e are a b o u t $ 2 0 0 ) . W i t h o n e y o u c a n

way y o u n e e d o n e in S o u t h K e n s i n g t o n . A n d

o f car, from 3pm t o 3pm£ S a t u r d a y t o S u n d a y . The a i m i s t o c o m -

w a n d e r a r o u n d the pits a n d chat to the m e c h a n i c s , y o u c a n w a t c h

that is exactly w h y they are s o g o o d . T h e y

piete a s m a n y laps as,pO$$)kie in..24 hrs. T h e c o u r s e is part r o a d .

t h e c h a n g e overs b e i n g d o n e . A s Le M a n s is m u c h m o r e relaxed in

are o n e of t h e f e w r e m a i n i n g t h i n g s chat c a n be a c c e p t a b l y s h o w n off in p u b l i c .

a r i d is a b o u t six m i l e s fong. A part d e d i c a t e d t r a"c k "'•"' 1

two

takes a b o u t ' ^ ( i M f l S f s that F l y o u c a n get a really g o o d v i e w of the t e a m s at w o r k .

minutes

But w h e r e d o car m a n u f a c t u r e * * g o to s h o w off? The a n s w e r is u i J J i J H f e A Le M a n s

Porsche

is t o

a

Y o u a l s o w a n t t o c o m e w i t h a large g r o u p s o that y o u c a n stake o u t p u t w h a t is it like for s p e c t a t o r s ? The a n s w e r in short is tacky, very

road

P o r s c h e w h a t a r o a d P o r s c h e is t o a s h o p p i n g trolley, w i t h a m i s s i n g w h e e l . This is P o r s c h e o f f e r i n g

P a r k i n g is a m p l e but t h e n u m b e r of cars w h i c h the s p e c t a t o r s c o m e

has b e e n s p e n t . T h e car parks are f i e l d s , t h e p a t h s are dirt, t h e l o o s

in is s i m p l y i n c r e d i b l e , w e ' r e t a l k i n g as far as t h e eye c a n s e e . H e n c e

are unbearable a n d t h e c a t e r i n g m a k e t h e m e s s e n t i a l . I m u s t a d m i t

any g o o d s p a c e s near the track are in real d e m a n d a n d s o m e silly

that w e d i d

parking goes on.

n o t " d o " Le M a n s p r o p e r l y as s u c h . Y o u a l s o n e e d t o be p r e p a r e d t o feel like shit o n t h e s e c o n d

t o the m a s s e s their u l t i m a t e driving

machine.

This

is

their very best. This is

the

an a r e a of g r a s s in t h e car parks for y o u r s e l v e s a n d g u a r d it fiercely.

t a c k y . O n t h e track n o e x p e n s e has b e e n s p a r e d , off it n o e x p e n s e

T o d o that w e w o u l d have h a d t o get u p at five, drive t h r o u g h France like the c l a p p e r s , s e e the start a n d n o t leave t h e t r a c k - s i d e until the

fin-

d a y as t h e r e are a l m o s t n o facilities for w a s h i n g , a n d as mentioned

the

loos

are

to

a v o i d e d . The i d e a l t h i n g is

be

s o w the f i n i s h i n g o r d e r

© ¥¦§¨ ª ¤ «

Porsche, Nissan,

M c L a r e n . Ferrari w o n rht' p r o t o t y p e s . ;;3MW

^ i -'f :?"-V''i n oast r e x c u s e to g e t a w a y a a s f k & ^ c h u p o n e a c h o t h e t . a n d what w a s g o i n g

s u p e r b , b o t h h a d just w o n the G T c h a m p i o n s h i p , b o t h w e r e b r o k e n

c

tii

''fegs/w^':^

a n d out o f t h e r a c e after t w o h o u r s . A n d there is n o t h i n g that can be

But i v e n that s e e m g

the r a c i n g , w e only n e e d e d

h a d the right w e e k e n d , a n d it w a s d e c i d e d that if w e h a d the w r o n g

B u t H i e r o a d is not a l w a y s rosy w h e n y o u enter L e M a n s , y o u c o u l d

S * P ^ l H t , Silly cars w h i c h I shall p r a i s e . • :MM:g^ i&^M... . z {| } ~ ~ : i : i These are cars w h i c h are plain silly, either m a s s i v e l y c e r e d , s t u p i d l y s t y l e d or offer a w e a l t h of . • u-i t --s.iry extras But it isn't Just car c o m p a n i e s that encer. The u l t i m a t e s h o w - o f f s a r e Take a M e r c e d e s S C l a s s . It d o e s . e e d a six litre e n g i n e , J j i g t t p M e r s . T h e s e p e o p l e w i l l g o a n d b u y a cat. t u n e it. p a y d r i it's s t u p i d l y large a n d it h.is I ' o u b i e - g l a z t n g , Every t i m e 1 v e n , enter the race, fix d a m a g e d p a n s a n d finance it a i l f r o m their see o n e I s m i l e . o w n p o c k e t s . A n d If t h e y ' r e l u c k y t h e y c a n c o m e f o u r t h , as o n e d i d o

"

of US. all s c h o o l friends, n e e d e d a break. W e w e r e n ' t e v e n sure w e have a n absolute s h o c k e r . M e r c e d e s e n t e r e d t w o c a r s , b o t h l o o k e d

mass-pro-

a n d lot i h o s i of y o u w h o are i n t e r e s t e d

e x c u s e t o r u n a w a y f r o m L o n d o n a n d O x f o r d for a w h i l e . The four

first ape . spoil-

.

for G T l s w a s

the point. Because n o w wbe^.y

Let m e clarify the first p o i n t . 1 d o n ' t l i t e cars b e c a u s e t h e r e are* ing p e o p l e . They are noisy, smelly, u n c o m f o r t a b l e a

Oh

:

w i c h e s . In m y o p i n i o n they w e r e t a k i n g it all slightly t o o seriously.

say that I d o n ' t like t h e m m u c h . S e c o n d l y this article

A v e r a g e cars a n n o y m e . They lack individuality,,ttl«y're.

d mat

pru-

d e n t t o get a c o u p l e of things clear.

t o o m a n y of t h e m . I d o n ' t see t h e m as a g o o d w a y <

y

'ey

m e p e o p l e f c ^ S ^ ^ g r - ' i o i n g it p r o ;

start

this article it s e e m s

for t w o d a y s . It is definitely s o m e t h i n g

LvOD

both

J

that

.

'flip;

r

28

24 June 1998

MUSIC

LADIES A N D GENTLEMEN V O U ARE A B O U T T O BE SPIRITUALIZED...

Four people wit  a œ¡ š ¸ º

Ž¯°¹ ² ­

d ideas cramming

³´ ­

r albums.

ŸŸš½ ž¿ž Ă€Ă

^we e all else Ă‚ original. Songwriter talk about |esus and ­ ÂŹÂł ĂŽe are Ž­ ÂŹÂł ĂŽs ­ ÂŹÂąt deal Ă? ĂŽÂą ²ÞÌy wit ÂŹ drugs. ĂŹ ÂŹÂł ĂŽe Ăˆ ÂŽ ³Î Âą ĂŽÂŽ ³´ ³¹ ĂŽ Âą Ăƒ guitarist Jason Pierce (occasionally Ă„ Ă… Æ Ç Ç Ç Ç Ç * are songs ­ ÂŹ t cry Ă? m ­ ÂŹ r ÂŹ ­ s and ­ ÂŹ s ­ ÂŹ t stamp all over you Ă” ÂŽ ĂŽĂ? Âł ´² ² ²Ă’ mood takes ÉÊË) is ĂŒĂ‰e main Ă? e Ă? ÂŹ d ­ ­Ă‘ Ă? Ă“d and ĂŒĂ‰e story o ´°Ă• ´Ž ²´Ă–Âł ĂŽĂ— Spiritualized starts wit ÂŹ ÂŹ r band. Spacemen "! Ă? s was a band Ăš Ă› Ăœ Ă? ĂžĂ&#x; Ă ĂĄĂš Ă? Âą ²â³ Ă˜Ă™ ^ ÂŹ s overlaying ­ ÂŹe mix. ĂĽĂ• ¹´ ĂŁÂŹ Jiiitliy^ n or ä Ă? .Bloody ĂŠĂ• Âł Âą ´² ° ÂŽ ´ç ³Õ Ă• ĂŤÂł ĂŽÂŽ ÂŻ ĂŠ Ă? ĂŚĂ?Ă? ­ ­ e era but Pierce liked to ÂŹ w ÂŹ ĂŚ ĂŚ è è Ă? ê­ s ­ ÂŹ ĂŚs Ă´ Ê´ Ă° òÊ Ă•Ă• Ă” ¯° ´ Âą Âł Âł ĂŽÂł ÂŽ ĂŽ ´´ ´´ï ĂŠĂŠĂŠĂ°Ăą ² Âł ĂŽâ ĂŽÂŽ Âą ĂŽ Ă“ Ă?e at ­ ÂŹ ­Ă? Ă“ . ĂŹÂŹ Ă? ĂŹĂŚ Ăł Ă?Ă? e ii InlĂ­ 11w*' ĂŽ ĂŹĂŹĂŹ ĂŚĂŽ artists you can recognise. I you know ­ ÂŹe work oĂż Otis Redding. Dr Én ³Ê ÂŻ ĂŽÂą ° Ă• Ă– Âł ´ ÚÚú Ăť Âł °Ž Âł ´² ­ã Ă“ and Suicide þÜál ­ ÂŹ Ă? r drone-like ø s1 Ă“ ­ ses. r even Elvis Ă‚ ­ ÂŹ n you will get g out oĂ? ­ ÂŹe music Ă‚ iĂ? ­ ÂŹe descripĂ?ÂŻ ĂŽß³ d Suy||MtJ^ be / band ÂŹe Ă? woA4SJpWiratill ­ ÂŹe g a p s ^ t w e W v M ^ l ^ l E i irv Ă” ĂŽ ¯° ´Ă? Ă˝ Âą Mating ÂŹ ­ ÂŹ t s l u n d e d like E*cSr*fhfe^lr ĂŽÂł Ă? ÂŽ "Ă• ĂŽ ´Ž Âł ²Ă• ÂŽĂ— ´² Âą Âą ÂąĂ? Âą Âł Âą ; ­ ÂŹ t ­ ÂŹ t ! i . S C O ^ t n o Ăż ­ ÂŹe Ă? t ­ ÂŹ t ­ ÂŹ y ÂŹ d been g a relative popularity in i/ould

y en $ %&'()* ´ °Ž Âł ´² Jry' good. # e commercial music world recently but É+t ­ ÂŹ s was not Ă“ ­ ÂŹ g Ée uisic was o t w 'supl ÂŽ ĂŽĂ• ĂŽ´â ´²¹ ´ Ă— ĂŠ ĂŚ ĂŚ ­ g Ă? ' Ă• Ă• ¯° •.A?,er..Cujided . n d ' p l a music Ă‚ , t Ăż r ĂŒĂ‰e music itselĂ? - not ĂŒĂ‰e money' Ă‚ but it really Ă” Ă? ¹Î rue -ÿÿ% Spiritualized. Pierce considers ĂŒĂ‰e i o ÂŹ ­s BJ^92, Ée set ĂŒĂ‰e ĂŽ .Âł c Ă? ylejl Repe Ă” Ă´ ĂĽÂą ĂŽ Ă–ÂŻ ² e less i ÉÊs albums sold a million in ten minutes or ten ÂŹĂŞ ĂŚ ,­ i melodic 151 gs b^aitie Ă• Ă• Ă• Ă• Ă? Ă–ÂŽ ÂŻ Ă—Âł/ Ă?° Âą ĂŽ Ăž Ă? Ă‚ Ă? M t Its i ĂŒĂ‰e music Ă‚ man. ^ Ă? Âł Ăź Âł created Spiritualized rÂŤally come alive ÂŹ n ­ ÂŹ y play live. In ­ ÂŹe Royal Albert Hall ys a la Âť š ¸ 12 3 Ă” Âą Ă? ù´ Ă– Âł Âą ° ÂŽĂź ³Õ Ă• 4 s s t Ă? ĂŚ Ă? Ă“ ĂŚ ­ ÂŹ jaw0 0 ' ­ ÂŹ produced one o ĂŒĂ‰e most startling ÂŹ s ĂŒĂ‰e world É+d sards ar rJBSrri ĂŒĂ‰e completely serene to þÜáá Âą ­ t were aggressive and a l m o s Ă? evil. * m •|_. J u •:•:!:. Mi": rathet than fry \ } i'Uk-'.'i ,m 5 Wojlf / Ă•Ă• ² h Ă? Ì­ ĂŚĂ? Ă“ Ă? which titter r)t|^n^^Hthy to haTs| o r |ust Kate Radley or |ust Sean Cook or Just Damon Âľ

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29

MUSIC

24 June 1998

W E L C O M E T O THE H U M A N EMBRACE Arrogant, brilliant, over-rated, best debut since The Stone Roses, a cynical attempt to occupy the middle ground created by Oasis and The Verve. Embrace's album has caused quite a stir amongst fans of music. W e let Dennis and Ed tell us what they think....

EMBRACE e Good Will Out

;<

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aught in a w a v e of p r e m a ture adulation, Embrace l o o k t o be set u p for quite a c o n f r o n t a t i o n w i t h the m o s t fickle of corporations known to m a n : Y o u , t h e British p u b l i c . W i t h all t h e surrounding hype, Embrace will s t a n d or fall o n their d e b u t , w h i c h has already d r a w n c o m p a r i s o n w i t h >? ABCDCEAFG = @ Stone Roses a n d Maybe. This m a y c o m e a c r o s s as a bit harsh o n their career s h o u l d t h e y fall short of the mark but it's t h e M c N a m a r a s a n d C o . that have e n g i n e e r e d this c o m i n g together. D a n n y ' s already a d m i t t e d that he boasted before recording the a l b u m that it w a s g o i n g t o be fantastically g o o d in o r d e r t o p u s h h i m s e l f t o m a k e sure that it w a s . A n d it is. Truly, it is. Y o u ' r e g r e e t e d w i t h forty-odd seconds of orchestral t u n i n g , gradually rising in v o l u m e . There's some indistinguishable chatter, a rattle of kettle d r u m s a n d t h e n o w familiar All You Good Good People bursts its w a y o u t o f t h e s p e a k e r s a n d into y o u r ears. It's here w h e r e a lot of p e o p l e will have

t o start m a k i n g d e c i s i o n s a b o u t h o w t h e y feel w h i l e D a n n y a d d s s o m e p e r s u a s i v e a d v i c e , ' L o s e all y o u r fears. T h e y ' r e k e e p i n g y o u d o w n . Y o u w o n ' t have t o fake it w h i l e I'm a r o u n d . A l l y o u g o o d g o o d p e o p l e , listen t o m e . ' D i d s o m e b o d y say e p i c ? There m u s t have b e e n a ' B i g C h o r u s ' s w i t c h in the r e c o r d i n g s t u d i o t h a t ' s b e e n w e d g e d d o w n w i t h c o p i e s of v a r i o u s m u s i c press p u b l i c a t i o n s . My HI Weakness Is None Your RST LMNOLLP JK Come Back To Q You Know a n d One Big Family. T h ey all resonate with anthemic grandeur. It's all a bit p e r s o n a l , as w e l l . Lyrically, y o u c a n s p o t their ideas a n d beliefs very q u i c k l y . The line, "The g o o d will c o m e o u t , " features in t h r e e different s o n g s . " D o n ' t wanna let you down," (My Weakness Is...) a n d "I'll never let y o u d o w n , " (Come Back To... a n d Fireworks) d e m o n s t r a t e their c o m m i t m e n t t o not d i s a p p o i n t i n g p e o ple. A s well as the vulnerable side, t h e r e ' s also the c o n s t a n t r e m i n d e r that w e ' r e here t o m a k e the m o s t and best of things: 'If y o u ' r e alive,

'Group hug, anyone?' t h e n w h y aren't y o u living?' (1 Want >? UVWXY Z 'The v i e w ' s t o o g o o d = Q t o j u m p . N o w let m e talk y o u d o w n . ' (You've Got To Say Yes) a n d the t r i u m p h a n t , 'It's the w a y I f e e l ! ' R] Last Cas) [\ >? Good =

Will Out is a t o u c h ing a l b u m c r a m m e d w i t h at least s e v e n or eight pure g e m s of w h i c h RST dc ]TV]SXZ aR]V aRTc ^ _` b` and \ RSfa]X All e Forever are p r o b a b l y t h e best. The only lulls o n the e m o tional plane c o m e ironically in t h e m o r e h e d o n i s t i c n u m b e r s . It's not

that t h e y c a n ' t pull t h e m off, it's just that o t h e r b a n d s that begin w i t h t h e letter O w o u l d p r o b a b l y be able t o be m o r e fierce about it. H o w e v e r , this is s p l i t t i n g hairs. This is a s h a m e l e s s l y o p t i m i s t i c a l b u m that is b o t h m u s i c a l l y g r a n d a n d lyrically beautiful. Journalists, cast aside your c o o l attitudes. Cynics, o p e n y o u r hearts. F e l l o w p e o p l e , o p e n y o u r ears. E m b r a c e E m b r a c e a n d rejoice! E J

Dennis

LOST IN MUSICAL DISGRACE somewhere, so why not H u d d e r s f i e l d ? A n y w a y , o n t o the music.

EMBRACE ij

e Gods Will g h

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f e w p o i n t s before I listen t o the a l b u m . A p p a r e n t l y , 1 9 9 7 w a s a great y e a r for British m u s i c . The V e r v e a n d R a d i o h e a d finally hit the b i g t i m e , The P r o d i g y and Oasis went supernova a n d R a d i o 1 t o l d us a b o u t e x c i t i n g n e w b a n d s s u c h as M a n s u n , H u r r i c a n e #1 but m o s t l y E m b r a c e . O v e r 12 m o n t h s a g o S tev e L a m a c q c a l l e d t h e m " T h e g r e a t e s t find of t h e y e a r . " I a s s u m e d he m u s t have been taking the piss w h e n he p l a y e d a d e m o of All You Good ]UlW]Z Good k for w h a t f o l l o w e d w a s a l o a d of d i s t o r t e d guitars u n d e r n e a t h a t o n e d e a f singer w i t h a c o l d . W h e n it e m e r g e d that M r . Evening S e s s i o n w a s b e i n g sincere, c o m m e n t s of the 'I c o u l d s i n g bet-

ter t h a n that' variety c o u l d be h e a r d emanating from my mouth. So began m y ill-fated r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h E m b r a c e , it s e e m s strange that s o m a n y p e o p l e are n o t o n l y c o n v i n c e d that D a n n y M c N a m a r a isn't t o n e d e a f but is actually a fantastic singer. H e c l a i m s that, 'I c o u l d s i n g like G a r y B a r l o w if 1 w a n t e d t o ' (by w h i c h he m e a n s in tune) o p t i n g i n s t e a d for a v o i c e that, y o u k n o w , m e a n s it. L i s t e n , D a n n y , t h o u s a n d s of p e o p l e ' m e a n it' w h e n they s i n g in K a r a o k e bars, but it c o u n t s for n o t h i n g if y o u c a n ' t hit the n o t e s . The a l b u m c o v e r s h o w s E m b r a c e in typical self-loving fashion: their h i g h - h e l d h e a d s s h a d o w e d as t h e y h o l d back the f o r c e of t h e s u n s h i n e . I mean, G o d ' s gotta come from

E m b r a c e r e - w o r k e d All You Good Good People last C h r i s t m a s with overblown orchestral e n h a n c e m e n t s . In c l i c h e d style, t h e s o n g starts softly a n d g r a d u a l l y builds t o a c l i m a x near t h e e n d , t h e n f i n i s h i n g all q u i e t a n d s u b d u e d . It r e c e i v e d a totally u n d e s e r v e d T o p 10 hit. A n d w h y m e s s w i t h a w i n n i n g f o r m u l a ? R e c e n t s inRST gle Come Back To Q You Know f o l l o w s exactly t h e s a m e p a t h (the v o c a l s are a bit better: he's still t o n e d e a f but at least his c o l d has g o n e ) as, in fact, d o e s t h e w h o l e of their n e w a l b u m . D e b u t a l b u m s are first a t t e m p t s t o s h o w the w o r l d w h a t y o u ' r e a b o u t . They s h o u l d n ' t take 15 m o n t h s t o r e c o r d (lack of ideas, lads?) a n d s h o u l d s h o w at least a bit of variety. T he p r o b l e m is that every s o n g is either a near car-

b o n c o p y of AYGCP (re-worked again for t h e a l b u m ; still rubbish) W Z Sn o or, like One Big m ` a bit m o r e shouty. Hearing one Embrace song is b a d e n o u g h , but b e i n g subjected t o a m o n o t o n o u s a l b u m - f u l l is p a i n f u l . E m b r a c e ' s g r a n d i o s e style has g a i n e d t h e m c o m p a r i s o n s to O a s i s , but in truth t h e y share m o r e w i t h S h e d S e v e n (both m u s i c a l l y and v o c a l l y ) . W h e n E m b r a c e are called u p o n to produce a follow-up a l b u m , t h e w o r l d will finally realise h o w p a t h e t i c t h e g r o u p are - a p u b b a n d t r y i n g t o take o n the w o r l d . Their s o n g s lack a n y true feeling; a fault that t h e y have t r i e d t o m a k e up for by d r o p p i n g s y r u p y strings e v e r y w h e r e . But strings are n o subs t i t u t e for e m o t i o n . S a v e y o u r m o n e y p e o p l e a n d listen t o s o m e d e b u t s that y o u already k n o w are of e s t a b l i s h e d q u a l i t y . Ed

30

1

24th June 1998

MUSIC FESTIVAL MADNESS IS U P O N US ALL -

ESE PAGES THAT W O N ' T BE A P P E A R I N G IN ANY OF THESE FESTIVALS (WELL, NOT TOGETHER A N Y W A Y ) !

T in the Park

Reading

Miscellaneous

26,27,28 June

II & 12 July

August 28,29,30

All the time...

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Cambridge Folk

Rivermead Centre -TBC

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Big Beat Boutique Live Acts and DJs TBC

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Stage - ~ e Prodigy p ™ v „ t‡ wx v x p Robbie Williams p Space p Catatonia Ÿ James Taylor

Womad

Dr Martens Stage - Alabama 3 ˆ Dawn o Âœ Ă? Ă˜e Replicants p SleaterKinney p Elecric Sound o Ăœ Joy Rivermead Centre-TBC

Main Stage - Pulp p Beastie Boys p Garbage p Finley Quaye p James p ™ uv wv ‡ žt‡ z v x t› ÂŒ †„À› ÂŒ † r p ‹ a

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Campag Velocet p Snug

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Jazz World Stage - Roni Slze/Reprazent p ÂŚ §e Roots p Zoot ¨ Šª ™ u „s v ‡ wzv wx t‡ ž Ž‹ p ÂŚ §e Jesus d t„ z &. Mary ‹ r p Gomez p Drugstore p | tv „› ‰ v zÂ…v ™ › z t‡›x v r p p Idlewild Acoustic Stage -Ta ƒ Lowe p ~ e Montrose World Party

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Campag Velocet p Œ §e Dandys

Dance Tent -Plastikman p Lo-Fidelity vvÂĽ „ Allstars ÂŁ Adam F¤ ÂĄ y Punk-Roc p Spring Heel Jack

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31

MUSIC

Glastonbury Kenickie Â

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one's been cancelled r one „ z‡ u tv w äü reason or p i Âœ you ĂŁ e a u tv v u tv ticket ĂŚ n you can r r get a vçÂ… t„ zs Reading ticket in e or a èÊê l {‡ ĂŤĂŹĂ­ĂŽĂŻĂ° . Call ù§e above numbetr r tv wvĂś more òóôþ. Anyway p s a pic o Ăœ ut tv ˜ lan Brown to p ease e sorrow.

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Friday -Levellers p Eddi Reader and ! .

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4 2 0 SundayŽ e Blues Band p ‡ u tv wx Mattea and .

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24 June 1998

MUSIC

32

SMASHING PUMPKINS Adore

****'/

2

I

t's b e e n a l o n g t w o y e a r s since the P u m p k i n s r e l e a s e d their last $% a l b u m , Mellon Collie and # . %001 a n d I have b e e n &'()')*+ ,- / w a i t i n g w i t h b a t e d breath for Adore t o hit the streets. The ' P u m p k i n s haven't really b e e n u p t o m u c h 4456 since Mellon 23 7 o n l y releasing $% $% the mediocre End is # 8 $% Beginning is # End for the B a t m a n s o u n d t r a c k . The b a n d w a s c o m i s s i o n e d t o d o the c o m p l e t e s o u n d track, but at the last m i n u t e their contibutions were tossed aside leaving o n l y the a f o r e m e n t i o n e d single. Billy C o r g a n , t h e l e a d singer, o n the o t h e r h a n d , has b e e n fairly b u s y by h i m s e l f c o m p o s i n g for the R a n s o m s o u n d t r a c k , a n d James lha has released a solo a l b u m of w h a t s o u n d e d like light c o u n t r y m u s i c a n d I advise p e o p l e t o steer clear of it.

Adore is a c o m p l e t e c h a n g e in tack for the sound of the 'Pumpkins. This has been a t t i b u t e d , by m a n y critics, t o Billy's m o t h e r d y i n g , his marriage breaking u p , the d i s m i s s a l of the b a n d ' s d r u m m e r a n d the d e a t h of their

keyboard player from a heroin o v e r d o s e . I p e r s o n a l l y feel that it is just the b a n d e x p l o r i n g a n o t h e r facet of their m u s i c a l g e n i u s . O n a recent TV interview the b a n d h a d s a i d that they felt that all of their :0$1 w o r k s i n c e the release of 9 their first a l b u m , h a d b e e n f o r c e d t o stay in the s a m e v e i n by their r e c o r d label e x e c u t i v e s . Billy feels that the b a n d has an essentially o r c h e s t r a l c o r e a n d they certainly e x p l o r e d this in the a l b u m . G o n e is the b l e e d i n g s o r e of hate a n d anger that e a r m a r k e d m o s t of Mellon Collie a n d certainly all of the s e c <:=$ :<: $ o n d C D , ,#-; # to 8> = #? W h a t has e m e r g e d is a n a l b u m w h i c h is m u c h m o r e m e l l o w , e v e n if it is a bit i n t r o s p e c t i v e a n d g l o o m y . It has a rich variety of p i a n o s , strings a n d a w h o l e variety of i n s t r u m e n t s u s u ally a s s o c i a t e d w i t h t h e R o y a l Albert Hall rather t h a n the m e n t a l m o s h pits of ' P u m p k i n s ' gigs. W h a t they have also m a d e use of are d r u m l o o p s g i v i n g s o m e of the tracks a d i s t i n c t l y d a n c e - y feel, w h i c h w o r k s surprisingly w e l l w i t h /A %01 the excellent Appels and @;-

SLAYER Diabolus in Musica

Ava Adore a n d the darkly brilliant Pug b e i n g the best e x a m p l e s . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , in s e a r c h i n g for a n e w s o u n d or as they p u t it, e x p o s i n g their c o r e , the b a n d has lost s o m e o f the m a g i c g a i n e d by the use of a hugely d i s t o r t e d guitar sound and monumental overdubbing of up to 4 0 separate recordings o f slightly different guitar riffs o n the s a m e track. D e s p i t e this, the a l b u m is a m a z i n g if n o t quite u p t o the s t a n d a r d of Siamese Dream a n d Mellon Collie a n d y o u d o n ' t have t o listen t o any o f J a m e s l h a ' s s o n g s e i t h e r , w h i c h is a bonus. I thoroughly r e c o m m e n d t h i s a l b u m t o a n y o n e w h o is already a ' P u m p k i n s fan, or w h o just likes a bit of s o m e t h i n g slightly heavier than awful c o m m e r c i a l rock. Just as s o m e t h i n g t o p u s h the frontiers of m u s i c a s e v e n t e e n s e c o n d track is i n c l u d e d , i m a g i n a tively titled 17, at the e n d o f the a l b u m . Billy a n d the b a n d give the e x e c s , the b i r d i e . EI

'Pumpkins in the house! Well, just outside, actually.

Simon

MELYS Rumours and Curses

•

S

o m e t i m e , s o m e w h e r e in m y past, 1 d r a nk bottles of 2 0 2 0 , g o t p i s s e d off at a n y t h i n g and a n y o n e a n d always, w i t h o u t fail, b e l i e v e d that I w a s right a b o u t everything. 1 also listened to Anthrax, M e g a d e t h a n d Slayer. N o w , I'm quite partial t o a pint of C a f f r e y ' s , get p i s s e d of at slightly less stuff a n d always, w i t h o u t fail, believe that I'm right a b o u t everyt h i n g . I d o not, h o w e v e r , listen t o the a f o r e m e n t i o n e d b a n d s a n y m o r e . P o s s e s s i o n of an a c o u s t i c guitar has t h r o w n m e into m o r e of a B o b Dylan/Embrace/ Bernard Butler c a t e g o r y . M a y b e I'm w r o n g . Maybe 1 s h o u l d have never c h a n g e d the w a y 1 listen. P e r h a p s this Slayer a l b u m will pull m e back into the clutches of heavy/ t h r a s h / s p e e d / d e a t h or w h a t e v e r t y p e of m e t a l Slayer fall into n o w a d a y s . S o m e t h i n g tells m e t h o u g h that this is unlikely t o h a p p e n . L i s t e n i n g t o the s c r e a m i n g , shouting and seven thousand notes a s e c o n d s o l o i n g , I c o u l d feel m y s e n s e s d u l l i n g w h i l e m y creative t h o u g h t s s c r a m b l e d for the exit

sign in m y h e a d . 1 m u s t a d m i t R i c h a r d a n d Judy w e r e o n the telly but the s o u n d w a s t u r n e d d o w n s o their effect w a s m i n i m a l . N o , it w a s definitely the m o n o t o n i c nature of Slayer that w a s r e s p o n s i b l e for m y m i n d b e i n g n u m b e d . S o n g titles % $ F0 % .1 :/.1 E -# G like Stain BC D $% 1 $% I ,H Screaming From # In 8 Name BC Cod a n d Perversions BC Pain are all g o o d i n d i c a t i o n s o f the sort of s o u n d y o u ' r e likely t o let y o u r e a r d r u m s be b a t t e r e d w i t h . To get a b a l a n c e d o p i n i o n , 1 d e c i d e d to ask s o m e friends, a c q u a i n t a n c e s a n d strangers w h a t they t h o u g h t of the Slayer s o u n d . W h a t f o l l o w s is a c o l l e c t i o n of their r e s p o n s e s : f u c k i n ' terrible, horrible, the m a s t e r s , g r o t e s q u e , d i s g u s t i n g , f u c k i n ' g o d s , 1 feel sick, fantastic and head-splittingly splendid. Slayer s e e m t o have a k n a c k of p o l a r i s i n g c a m p s s o it really is y o u r decision to make. I made mine early o n in the a l b u m but g a v e them one star for o l d times' sake. EJ

Dennis

••• /

M

elys are a n e w four p i e c e band from Wales, w h o have b e e n s i g n e d t o the s a m e l a b e l as G o r k y ' s Z y g o t i c M y n c i . They m i x s i m p l e m e l o d i e s w i t h gentle St Ettiene style s y n t h beats a n d b o r r o w s o m e e x p e r i mental keyboard work from Stereolab t o c r e a t e a u n i q u e m e l l o w e l e c t r o - f o l k s o u n d . The m u s i c is built a r o u n d the d e l i c a t e v o i c e of A n g e l a Parker, w h o s e angelic vocals conceal dark and often dist u r b i n g lyrics. '1 w a n t t o kill h i m , g o u g e o u t his e y e s , w r i t e m y n a m e a c r o s s his f a c e , w i t h Stanley k n i f e . . . ' is just part of the s e e t h i n g p l a n of revenge o u t l i n e d in Acid Queen. A c c o m p a n i m e n t is p r o v i d e d by synthesisers, guitar, a n d a multitude of strange electronic effects, w h i c h are f u s e d into s i m ple r h y t h m s a n d m e l o d i e s that perfectly c o m p l e m e n t the fragile vocals. It is unfortunate that M e l y s d o n o t really fit in w i t h the current m u s i c a l fashions a n d will p r o b a b l y not get m u c h airplay, as the tracks o n the a l b u m are of a very high

i

2

:>: : 1

E C; a haunting standard. m e l o d y s u n g in a mixture of W e l s h a n d English, is a track that will get s t u c k in y o u r h e a d for d a y s , w h i l e Lemming combines sleigh-bells and e l e c t r o - t w a n g s w i t h w o n d e r fully p s y c h o t i c lyrics. M y favourite tracks o n the a l b u m have t o be the $%/ beautiful a c o u s t i c J You Put $%/ Leonard 9B On telling the s a d tale of a c o u p l e drifting apart a n d I 0$ the final track D-#; B Hwhich a d d s the Llanrwst M a l e V o i c e C h o i r t o a vast electronic o c e a n of s w i s h es, b u z z i n g , e c h o e s a n d d i s t o r t i o n . Rumours and Curses is a p r o m i s i n g debut album and I w o u l d r e c o m m e n d it t o a n y o n e d i s i l l u s i o n e d w i t h the s a m e o l d guitar b a n d s . Buy it n o w a n d b e , s m u g w h e n they a p p e a r o n Jools H o l l a n d . E l LMN K

24 June 1998

33

MUSIC

ALBUMS

ETHER Strange

GARBAGE **•

Version 2.0

*** S q VR“ R Oy fx o p t ain't broke? y O s certainly Oe UR R V YZ R Ofc O t Garbage X e employed wit O Ofs R U QSSU T ‹¢ album. Wit ÂĄ O fr last f ] Garbage R SQ T V R V gave Oe world an interesting new band t O t produced some memorable classics like Milk and TU Queer. y O e 'old' producers and one "young' vocal R V TQŠ¢ R ÂŒ Qd RQ¢UR U talent O t ÂŁ Ot Oe O e sleazy sound O r R brilliantly. Samples and loops littered Oe record and R R U  eU dÂ?U R VR Oe band lent O s very well to re-mixes O ] QSRU ‹ R ] surpassed Oe originals. quite R VR“ R And O s Oe same wit O Version 2.0. Again ] samR TQŠ¢ R UVÂ? ples and loops cut O O Oe O y guitars but only Τ R SR S R It reclaims Oe glories o Oe past. y Oe rest o Oe ¤¼ R album is good ¨ but tends to merge into one in Oe SQ eQ  UR ‹ SSU TU ‹R Of g new and Š f searc O r . It's no dirge ] b TdUˆ“ but it does get a bit tiring listening to Of s voice R TQŠ¢ USSU c R R V rasping O s O n you could possibly O more S R V imagine. A couple o simpler tracks O t didn't rely so YZ muc O on electronics would X e provided a great conR S R R V V ‹ˆR ‹¢ Of ] it trast to Oe rest o Oe album. More O n SR U would outline more o O fr talent. S Q But instead o complaining ] ÂŞ fn me in welcoming R S R ¢QR V ‹cU ‹ U TQc back Oe innovators o Oe OŠ ÂŤf Š f ÂŤ k sound. Alok.

W

QQRS TUV W YZ Oe P s X e returned repackaged and wit O one R UT extra [ as \ O . Originally R U intended to be a boy band ] O y YZ R X e gone indie ] wit O Oe quirkiest lead singers (Rory Meredit O winner ^ R o Oe _ `an Lennon Song writing bc Q dV Te O Ofg) around. To coincide R SR U R U wit O Oe launc O o O fr album ] O y YZ R X e also released Oe single Best ijklmn q R h o p t Oe band considered R U R q to be O fr crossover Of ] to do o p t r stuvwx SQ did r Supergrass. y Ofs is a S TQ R very untypical song m Oe album R V and promotes a stereotype O t R isn't true in Oe least. ~ € z{| Could } in contrast ] manR S ages to Oft Oe balance o pop and eQ  U Q near rock. y Oe band O w manage to create a completely ‚ƒ„l R TU sound wit O only a O e piece …†‡ lowed by a Ben Folds Five-style T ˆR piano O Om and an Elvis Costello SRU voice. ‰ r suc O a strong opening R S R Oe album is track ] Oe rest o Še U g O d to deliver but only / Love Her Anyway comes close as an anti-climaxing love song. S Te S y Oe f t album may be more o R U R V a lesson to O m O n a maker or SU R V w singles O t only • breaker. A V T SV ‹ your die O d s can't launc O an ‹U R U album and f O r can one song R V V O t O s been written in an attempt c V TRe R SUU S R to tap into Oe l o Oe O . U QÂŒUÂ?U T R SŠ ddUe t y O y are ] O ] Oe R TU S sounding O e piece around and i R U R U TU“ ‹QR O y can exploit ÂŽÂ?Â?‘ Â’ O s OR U ing to stop O .

T

1

David

POP TARTS Woman is the Fuehrer of the World Uˆ“ T SV  QŠ Oe Germans. y O e s ”• USS c U ‹c ˆ TV ‹WSŠ TRU Te f f ] r . – e QQR—QŠRe R U penalty O ] O fr S Š  QŠ sense o r and ˜™š›œ) O QŠRS Re poppy little Â?žÂ&#x; i punk f . OK ] R VR“ q R maybe not but O s o p t Oe Pop R ŠU TU S Tarts are. Woman is Oe – O r o

T

R

Oe World could be described as a S sort o mix between our very own R Kenickie and Oe All-American SU  V d e trio ÂŹ Sleater-Kinney. Not as TQSUee Q ‹V dd f glossy and g y produced as Kenickie but not quite as roug O and emotionally raw as SleaterKinney. y Ofs could probably be put R SVc R V R Uˆ“ T down to Oe t O t O e not R U SQ singing in O fr native tongue r a S R e V portion o Oe time. It's a O e R really ] as Oe German language is probably well suited to punk wit O S V Te its pronunciation o O O consonants. R UT Saying ÂŽÂ?Â?‘ Â’ O e are several tracks wit O German titles and a R UŠRe c Oe lingo. couple sung in Oe ­ c Q U TU“ ¯°°¹²³´ ÂŒ U T R s OK ÂŽ yO O e Oe O S Še rus consists o one person ÂŞ t saying 'OK in a quirky German accent V ‹QR U O r screaming and 'Vollgas'. R S Apparently ] it's Oe equivalent o R saying Âľ 'Hit Oe gas.' or 'Floor it.' R U R U And O y admirably do stick O fr R engine into overdrive on Ofs track and

on

Hallo

Franzi

and

So'n

¡¸šº ÂŒ c TQŠ¢ d Âś Of O O y translates to R U T ÂŒQ TR S 'So Âź ½ž¿Ă€Ă Ă‚ O s Oy o mention Ă…Ă†Ă‡ĂˆĂ„Ă‰ Jugend ĂŠ ĂˆĂ‹ ĂŒ are Buro and ĂƒĂ„ SS c d QQ QŠR SŠ Ă‚ f e and Ă? Of Š O d ĂŽ O l Sex q respectively. Basically o p t you've c c UT e Q TR VR Oy and got O e is ten O ] QSSU ‹e Â? noisy songs. It's not really f e S and it isn't going to start a series o R riots in Oe German capital. However ] it is a nice little snack R V  V Q O t you can eat between ÂŞ r ÂŒ R QŠ pop punk releases f O t spoiling your appetite. Dennis.

TOM WAITS Beautiful Maladies S Ofs enormous compilation o man is king". V R U TU“ R V twenty two tracks O s been Musically Ăł O s more O n a R released under Oe subtitle Of‹t oS PUUS OUV Tt experimentalism Ă?R eQ  UR ‹ S Oe Island years" ] Of g o a at work ] and Waits is at Ofs best S TQ R boast m Oe record company ÂŒ OU n perverting blues and Ă´ þÜÜá ÂŒ c V Of O O s allowed Waits to pro- suc O as on R Oe strangled Billie S duce some o Ofs most strange and Holliday moan o S Temptation. He is twisted material to date. Tom ÂŞ Še t as convincing ÂŒ OU n Oe TQ d S ÂŒ V Waits is a g f fc artist ] Oo O s acknowledges R Oe roots o S Ofs S R experimented wit O a wide variety o music in Oe old blues standard ] S TQ musical styles m swamp blues to Jesus Gonna Be øÚúÚÝ a morbid RQŠ c ‹ S R U Of g all o O m anticipation o S R Oe S f‹Vl Judgement Rio samba ] wit O Ofs unmistakable (and pretty trump. Similarly ] Ofs love SQ r e OfRS TQ disturbing) presence. It's clear m kicking SQ dk music is clear in / Don't R eŠ U c S R Ue Oe ÂŁÂŞ t matter o O e songs Wanna Crow Old and Cold Cold R V Š¢ S ÂŒ c O t Nick Cave owes Waits a O e ßýÞÿ bot O o Of O could be R U S TQ R ] as O y deliver a succession debt m Oe e MacGowan canon. ^ o pimps ] murderers ] messianic But I XYZ e to give special mention ÂŒ e WU y priests. Most to Frank's saviours and Of Ăš Ăş Ăť an old Wild QÂŒUÂ?U T R striking Ă? O ] is Oe voice. 80- SVÂ?QŠ T fR e riddled wit O black b QŠR U T a- day roug O wit O a O n drawl ] . Waits plays R Oe lounge bar Oe still manages to contort Ofs vocal sot telling OQ w Ofs good S T fU ‹d c QT Ă‡Ăˆ S O Š s in displays o cunning mim- Frank 'Settled down out in É valĂ‡Ăˆ ÓÔÕÖ Ç Ă‡Ăˆ Ă— Ă˜Ă™Ăšs Ă› Ă˜e ley I Hung Ă„ wild years on É icry. O n Ă‘ Black Ă’ nail Ă‡Ăˆ S ÉÇèÊ ĂŤĂ‡ Ç ĂŞ òĂˆ spit o Marlene Deitric O groaning drove Ă„ Ă„ Ă‡Ăˆ Æ Ă‡Ăˆ ‹ ¢ Rc dŠ Êò away in a smoky Berlin f O b to was a spent piece ĂŠ ĂˆĂ‰ Éè Ă‡ĂŒ R U  d SRU S TQ a O e f d directly m y Oe used made good Bloody Ă‡Ăˆè ÉÇ Ç É Ă?ĂžĂ&#x; a gay old Flintstones ('We'll Ăœ kept !ĂŠ most ò Ă‡Ăˆ É ĂˆĂŒ Ç Æ ÇÇ Ç U“ S TQ time'). Later O s King Louis m ĂŠ É Ă„! " Ă„ a little Ç Ç Æ y Oe Jungle Book singing about a named Carlos É É some kinda R stop-over in Oe most dangerous skin disease and was totally blind Ă‡Ăˆ R port in Oe world ] 'Singapore'. I can .... É # were so $%&&'( Frank's c R R smell Oe salt ] Oe wet ropes and story alone is eŠSS f fU ‹t reason to S rotting meat as Oe tells us ' à ½å cap- kill yoursel getting a copy o S R Ofs tain is a one-armed â ãäüÌç He's album ) but iS you ask real nice ] Tom Ă­ĂŽĂŻĂ°Ăą ÉÇèÊê Ă…ĂŤ Ă‰Ă‡Ăˆ SQ Ă„ dice along ĂŹ In may well do it r you. H Ă‰Ă‡Ăˆ Ă‰Ă‡Ăˆ Êò Ă‰Ă‡Ăˆ

T

land

blind

one-eyed

Norm

24 June 1998

MUSIC

34 ALBUMS

IMOGEN HEAP 01 *+,- ./ e

S

he sings like Tori A m o s o n a b a d d a y . S h e w r i t e s her o w n songs, and she's younger t h a n m e . If s h e w a s a bit better, s h e ' d b e fantastic. A s it is, her angst r i d d e n s o n g s are just irritating. S o m e o f t h e lyrics are great (/ 3 93 9 am your 2 456728 4: a =>? but name/you took me in ;<;8 m o s t o f t h e s o n g s o n this a l b u m are fairly p o o r . D o n ' t w a s t e y o u r c a s h o n it, b u y t h e n e w Tori A m o s a l b u m i n s t e a d if y o u really n e e d a n injection o f angst r i d d e n f e m a l e vocals. Alternatively, y o u could c o m e a n d listen t o m e w h i n g i n g a b o u t m y p r o b l e m s . It'll o n l y c o s t y o u a fiver. EI

Julia

BRAN V A N 3000

DEEP PURPLE

Glee

Abandon

his C a n a d i a n b o r n g a t h e r i n g is State S i d e in every w a y . T h e y have t h e narration's a n d m i x i n g o f t h e Beastie B o y s , c o m bined with the sampling and many short tracks style o f B e c k .

T

just g i v e u p . Drinking in LA pulls t h e listener back i n , w i t h its e a s y listening rap a n d strong chorus line. It clearly s t a n d s o u t o n t h e a l b u m s being o n e of the only radio-friendly songs.

Bran V a n 3 0 0 0 is t h e brainchild of Jamie D i S a l v i o , a DJ, r e - m i x e r and video director. H e gathered 20 Montreal musicians, producers, singers a n d r a p p e r s together a n d just s t a r t e d r e c o r d i n g . S i n c e t h e n the ' b a n d ' has g o n e o n t o u r w i t h six s i n g e r s a n d as y o u ' v e p r o b a b l y g u e s s e d t h e result is a n a l b u m full of m a n y f l a v o u r s .

The rest o f t h e a l b u m lurches b e t w e e n r a p , reggae, rock, p o p , d a n c e a n d i n d i e a n d is difficult t o get i n t o . Bran V a n 3 0 0 0 o b v i o u s l y have t h e talent t o b e a g o o d b a n d , but in a n a t t e m p t t o c o m b i n e c o n t r a s t i n g s o u n d s , t h e y have c u t u p a n d o v e r - p r o d u c e d their s o n g s t o m u c h . Y o u g e t t h e f e e l i n g that t h e y haven't fully t h o u g h t o u t w h a t fits w i t h w h a t else . If y o u are intereste d in s a m p l i n g o r just e x p e r i m e n t i n g w i t h m u s i c , h o w e v e r , t h e n C/ee will g i v e y o u p l e n t y i d e a s t o play with. David

It isn't until t h e third s o n g , their single Drinking In LA that t h e tracks have any individuality. T h e first t w o just j u m p f r o m s a m p l e t o s a m p l e , a n d if t h e Drinking In LA d i d n ' t c o m e a l o n g m o s t listeners w o u l d

No

Stars

C

o o l , t h e rock g o d s are back' I thought w h e n I w a s h a n d e d this C D . H a v i n g m i s s p e n t many hours of m y youth moshing a w a y t o s u c h g e m s as My Woman @ABC Tokyo I w a s really c u r i o u s a b o u t this n e w a l b u m . Three tracks a n d quarter o f a n hour later, I h a d t o s w i t c h off. This a l b u m i s arse. I f s g l a m r o c k at its m o s t pathetic, t h e v o c a l s sad/comic, t h e riffs s e e m i n g ly r a n d o m . R i c h i e B l a c k m o r e ' s r e p l a c e m e n t Steve M o r s e w h o h a s , o t h e r w i s e , d o n e s o m e d e c e n t stuff is insufferably dull a n d Jon Lord's new H a m m o n d needs many more m i l e s o f t o u r i n g before it regains its f o r m e r glories. Unfortunately this w o u l d a l s o d o h i m i n . There's n o t h i n g n e w o r interesting here e v e n for a d i e - h a r d soft rocker caught in a 1985 t i m e w a r p . El Antoine

SINGLES Black Box Recorder -England Made Me Dark lyrics o f t h e B e t h G i b b o n s variety in a n a l t o g e t h e r P o r t i s h e a d sort o f s o n g . P o s s i b l y j u m p i n g o n the W o r l d Cup/Cool Britannia b a n d w a g o n .

Velocette - Spoiled Children V e r y similar t o early St. Etienne but w i t h a h a r d er e d g e , this lushly h a r m o n i s e d s o n g is q u i t e e n d e a r i n g . A lay back a n d chill in t h e s u n s o n g .

Ed

Wamdue Project - King Of My Castle Easy trance beats b e h i n d t h e w a t e r y v o c a l

F

be a reason DE I'm king GH my castle" this a p l e a s i n g , if slightly b l a n d , single.

"Must makes

C h u m b a w a m b a - Top of the World O h m y G o d I hate C h u m b a w a m b a a n d this is as b a d as it g e t s , a w o r l d c u p s o n g that h a s b e e n

Bernard Butler - A Change of Heart B e r n i e ' s n e w s o n g is exactly h a l f w a y b e t w e e n his p r e v i o u s singles Stay a n d Not Alone. P r o n e t o a d d i n g t h o s e c h e e s y air-guitar bits f r o m Bill & T e d , I d o u b t this will a d d t o t h e s i z e a b l e c r e d i t h e ' s b e e n b u i l d i n g u p this y e a r .

linked t o the Spanish t e a m d u e t o the O L E ' s in

Space - Begin Again W h i l e S p a c e ' s p r e v i o u s s o n g s have all h a d a cert a i n c h a r m l y i n g b e h i n d their quirky exterior, t h i s " P h o n e y V a l e n t i n o " a t t e m p t is just plain a n n o y ing.

B e a s t i e B o y s - Intergalactic A f t e r four y e a r s a w a y t h e B e a s t i e s are finally back w i t h their a m a z i n g n e w s p a c e a g e d single. It's t y p i c a l B e a s t i e ' s r a p p i n g w i t h t h e m u c h envogue electro speech being used for the chorus as well as a n a d d i c t i v e R a c h m a n i n o f f l o o p in t h e b a c k g r o u n d . S i m p l y brilliant!!

Lodger - Always Round Here

it! S o this is o n e y o u s h o u l d g o n o w h e r e near. I wish C h u m b a w a m b a were o n t o p of the world,

based dance.

G A B are c r a z y live, p r o d u c e scary

m u s i c that s o u n d s a little like Rage A g a i n s t t h e M a c h i n e , a n d are certainly n o t m a i n s t r e a m . B u t t h a t ' s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a b a d t h i n g at a l l . Propellerheads - Bang Onl A m a n i c e l e c t r o - l a c e d race t h r o u g h a c o m p u t e r generated landscape o n coke a n d speed, with t h e o c c a s i o n a l guitar s o l o breather. M a d c o m pletely m a d . T h e excellent B - s i d e , Velvet Pants (Spare Pair Mix) is far m o r e g r o o v y I g u e s s , a t u n e t h a t ' s definitely o f t h e jazzy cigarette v a r i ety!

literally. E

v.

D e l A m i t r i - Don't Come Home Too Soon A n o t h e r W o r l d C u p s o n g b u t at least this o n e i s for S c o t l a n d . D e l A m i t r i s i n g a m o v i n g o d e t o S c o t t i s h football m i s f o r t u n e that isn't t o o b a d at all. Certainly n o t r o u s i n g , o n e for t h e b o y s t o c r y a l o n g t o w h e n S c o t l a n d c o m e back h o m e in a few weeks.

The f o l l o w - u p t o their t r e m e n d o u s d e b u t I'm

Leaving s h o w s c o - s i n g e r Pearl L o w e b e i n g a bit B j o r k - i s h . T h e s o n g ' s still great t h o u g h , s h o w i n g signs o f a certain b a n d ' s i n f l u e n c e : D a n n y S u p e r g r a s s is Pearl's h u s b a n d a n d c o songwriter.

too

Electrasy - Lost in Space Electrasy are g o i n g t o b e b i g allegedly. T h e y a p p e a r e d o n TFI Friday a w e e k s a g o a n d d i d n ' t particularly i m p r e s s a n d neither d o e s this single. A b o g s t a n d a r d indie/pop s o n g w i t h n o real i m a g i n a t i o n o r particular style. Girls A g a i n s t B o y s - Park Avenue A single that certainly is heavy A m e r i c a n guitar

Superior - Being You A w e l l p r o d u c e d , carefully t h o u g h t o u t t u n e that is w e l l s u n g by t h e f e m a l e v o c a l i s t . K i n d o f a n intelligent, m e l a n c h o l i c indie track that is r e m i niscent o f t h e Levellers but definitely n o t as c h e e s y . T h e B - s i d e s are g o o d t o o w i t h a m i n i m a l i s t i c 8 0 ' s feel t o t h e m . M a y b e a b a n d t o w a t c h o u t for. Ramzi.

24 June 1998

MUSIC

IF ITS MOT I O V E , THEN ITS THA B O M B T H A T ' L L BRING US

TOGETHER!

X Welcome to the final Bomb of this term! First up J Ke regular KOp K p tracks I combining old skool T S Xd b is some news on Tupac...Orlando Anderson I J Ke Vx r wit K J Ke new skool. c Ke only bad J KO g I L t dQ N QR ST Q XY suspected killer o Tupac I M s KOP been yz{d is J KVt it is too K J ! Clocking in at t Q killed in an altercation at a car UV K. Apparently under 40 minutes I you better make sure you like R e owed some guy money and J K y got into a it. TKW X RY O Kt and guns were pulled. Tupac's P JK I Brandy KVs a new album out now I and e Me T Z[\]^_ plans to release an album o tribute songs song wit K Monica I J Ke Boy is Mine I is KdWe ! It YR k R k Y RY on Amaru Records. It is rumoured to be remakes V K d number two in J Ke KV J s over K e and ` TT R YR b o Tupac songs by many a O t artists I and is number one in J Ke US. c Ke album is supposed TR Madonna may even be involved! 1 get around I to be pretty good and KVs a w guest rappers Q Xd S b indeed. c Ke album K d be released on e Me on it like Mase. Kinda strange KVx O g a comeL L R second anniversary o Tupac's a VJ KI back at J Ke age o 19 ? Also R. Kelly KVs proL September 13t K 1998. and co-written muc K o Tduced L J Ke new albumL YX RY m Sparkle. Peter Gunz k Lord Tariq o album T T YX c K e will probably be a BiggieS tribute R XdW gh K m J Ke Bad Boy camp as well I V J K I f e Uptown VT Pe KOt us wit K J K Or new album I Make R dY b R Yb dTT Pun I Fat I been K V O g J KV t i y is planning to record a it Reign I VJ O g guests suc T K ast Big k gh Joe I Kurupt I Sticky Fingaz k new V k Cam'ron 1 gospel album! You f e been warned. T j YX m Jermaine Dupri to | Lauryn Hill and Wycle do not seem to be on and production ranging L Teddy Riley. Ex-NWA member M C Ren KV s a | J Ke best o terms. Lauryn's new album apparTR Q X j d SRQ TX gh I ently doesn't f e any Wycle production I and good album out called T R | J K s r }O I K TU R T YQ T R R 1 K r O t w lines on K r new single I Lost Ones I ing Ke still got it V J r 10 years. Queen }VJ O V K ~ R d be dropping K r album anyday soon _ and I seem to be aimed at KOP. R YR Q Xd S I Nate Dogg's albumTT K d be out some- KVs some good songs on J K . RY X k SS o TR d Y b O OV y released in e Me 1 U K e but it will be Singles out now are n VJ O g Keit K T T Xb | States at J Ke end o J Ke P J KI so expect HMV Murray I Janet Jackson I Canibus RVJd Y Obg Mike T SXX TR d Y b Virgin etc to d us wit K overpriced imports. Tyson Jay Z I Pras VJ O g ODB and Mya Ie Me cKe album is entitled G Funk Classics and con- Jive All-Stars I and coming soon Q KXd Sd be LL T tains 2 great songs wit K Snoop and Tupac I it's G Cool J k Dr Dre (Zoom) I YR J Ka Franklin (Here KV s a We Go again) I Public Announcement (Body j Funk like it is supposed to be. Also l Nate T I track out wit K Warren G (don't know i J KOs is on Bumpin') I Bust and Eryka K Badu (One) Mary J L 1 KOs album I but it is on J Ke Woo soundtrack) and Blige (Round k Round) I bX J KR r Level (Freak Td bp o S I it's m n t you expect: laid-back . Me) I and possibly L T TT Destiny's KO d (Wit Me) and Q Xd S 1 Master P K d release a clutc KT o albums U Ko knows i id y will release Victory over KR YR . X I on KOs No Limit Records. Watc q out r P's c Ke I Last Don. C-Murder (suspiciously sounding like r Xk pR Y I 2Pac but it ain't KOP I Silkk J Ke s K I Fiend t and Snoop's c Ke Game Is To Be Told Not To Be TR d Y b I Sold will drop on August 4 u VJ O g e Me N o T YX b X R YQ TX T X SSX b J I you know I Limit Soldiers and J K . Don't Look out r J Ke U O g releases J KOs summer: J KOs last album Ke was stranded on Deat K Row I 1 now Ke got J Ke real deal expect KOm to make a Def Squad - El Nino 30/6 good album at least.

| | I I I I •

SUMMER

Cam'ron - Confessions of Fire 21/7 Eat Joe - Don Cartagena 21/7

M C Lyte - 7 & 7 (28/7) E-40 - Element of Surprise 28/7 Snoop - Da Came is to be Sold... (4/8)

Lauryn Hill - The A/Useducation of... (18/8)

T YX Also expect albums m Canibus I Kurupt (Kurruption) I Mack 10 eMe Recipe) I inspekta K Deck (Uncontrolled Substance) I Rza I Ras Kass (Rassassination) I Cypress Hill (IV) u Crucial t (Good Side/Bad Side) I Bizzy Bone I YS Helta K Skelta K (Magnum Force) I KV i Baltimore (Ice) Devin JKe dude) I Cormega JKe Testament) I a Flip M o d e compilation and All City (Metropolis Gold). Roni

Catch Tha Bomb Live at the Summer Carnival on 26th June

ALBUMS

King Tee - Thy Kingdom Come

NBA Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant is set to R Y v R k Rk record an album. I K Vr Ke can K P I so K k R it out U K n it comes. Apparently Ke won some RTX Y rap contest w e Ke made J Ke NBA. A quick note on e Me west coast group I gh R Jurassic 5. I f e listened to J K Or album I and it's R gh pretty good. c K y f e instrumental trakcs and

Jermaine Dupri - Life in 1472 (21/7)

30/6

Da Bomb explodes in on

e

e

Union

last day o term Friday 26

Sunz of M a n - Sunz of Man 30/6 Black Eyed Peas - Behind the Front 30/6 Noreaga - N.O.R.E. 14/7

June. Be

M . O . P . - First Family 4 lif 14/7

bomb squad givin' it to y a raw!

Tribe Called Quest - The Love Movement 14/7 Xzibhit - 40 Days & Nights 14/7 P.A. - Straight No Chase 14/7

.

W e got

e e

36

MUSIC

INTERVIEW

24 June 1998

24 June 1998

MUSIC

INTERVIEW

•

t a l k s

t o

A

 ª¾  ² ÂŽ ²¡  ¯Ăž ĂŒ sure. Let's go!" IĂ‚ certain record I say ĂŒ "O leave. I t so bad r . He put in a DAT and ĂŤĂŹ °   ¡° business people come to me and say ĂŒ "We ĂŞ e tried to play over it. I went back to e l and   ° ÂŻ ° ÂŻ    ° ¡¹Ăˆ ° ÂŻ s and s and åâãä ! " I say ĂŠ "OK. went to bed. 1 ĂŒ Âł s cannot be true! I to release Ăž¹  " °  ¾ °  ¾ How " saw t it was l playback ĂŒ and I guess t ¡°   °  ¾° lots o Ă‚ r people saw . Âş / read ¸š ¸ you were a student Þý an academy ½ð Âż ¿º Âż ò electronic music... S o yours is totally live and totally Ăą Âź š Âź à  ¾°Ă?  ² ÂŤ  ¾ ´ s true but it's not important. Âł Yea iĂ‚ you give yoursel a e to be ĂŤĂŹ ÂŤ  ¾ ´ totally bad ĂŒ you ĂŞ e a e to be really good Âş ² also read ¸š ¸ you went ¸šŸ½ù š ¸½ù š times and i you put in a DAT and press play you can- .../ Âż Âż ¹Š # 𽟠Air Liquide? You Ă›$% sounds you inventnot be bad or good you can É t be boring. ¿ò  ¾°Ă? ed ¸½& ' and a company ¸šº¸ you made Ă›(Ăš s all. IĂ‚ your only artistic contribution is to Âł ÂŤ  ¾ ´Ăˆ commercial records ýÞÿ went bankrupt and you e volume and 1Q ĂŒ I'll see it and I'll die. +,never saw ĂšĂ›Ăœ money ½ð your work. Music ) * 1 4567689 your šºŸ and raw sound to Ìçè

òó ¿ò nalists ./0 2 3 º ü š do you ¸š critics say ¸š ¸ elec

òóĂ™à ¸š sequence Þý events. Is ¸šº¸ true? So do you consider your music is Ă°Ăą tronic music cannot be raw and live and danger°  í  ¡ ÂŽ Ăľ ÜáøÚ úúÝ Ă­   No. As I told you we're lying e e time. Ă´ ! Maybe not live ĂŒ but n I pro- ous?  ° œ¹°  ¾ œ­¡ œ °  ¯ °   ĂŤĂŹ Every day a new . But we are really bad sarduce records ĂŒ I'm working . Someone In s case y ĂŞ e no idea. I mean elec  ° ¯´ ° ÂŻ castic people. Actually I k s is kind o Ă‚ asked me Ă„Ăƒ w I can describe my music and 1 tronic instruments are instruments. You ĂŞĂŤĂŹ e to  ¹ Ăž¡¹ Âś ĂŤĂŹ ² œ¡ ĂŤĂŹ ĂŞ Cologne style to e really bad . We said Ăź "It's insane music m insane boys Ă‚Ăƒ r learn instruments ĂŒ and you ĂŞ e to play and per ° ÂŻ   Š ²¡ Âś ° put s in music. insane girls. I make girls music!" m wit instruments ĂŒ and I don't care iĂ‚ e ² œ¯ ´ ²  ¹ ´­ œ ĂŤĂŹ ² ÂŻĂŽ d o mine plays in a band and Ă„e A good instruments ĂŞ e e strings or two d ĂŤ <= ĂŹ =  ¾°Î Âś Ă­ said Ăź :; ĂŞ r any newspaper writes about Just ýÞÿ girls? . So you can play on a mixing knobs or °  ° œ¹°  ? ¹Š ĂŤĂŹ ÂŹÂľ  ª¾  í   °   you > make sure it's not e " . Actually ! I really love it n y board É t like on a guitar. You ĂŞ e to love it. Ă˜šĂ™ is it bad? ĂŤĂŹ ² œ¡ Because I ĂŞ e to tell everyone I'm not m  ¾ °  Ăˆ  °° °  ¾° e o and I'm kind o Ă‚ ¨¨y about . I  don't like burning tras cans and I don't like to Š  ¡¡ t people. 1 don't like to diss people or ² œ¡ Ă­  ¾°Î Âś m Public Enemy is ĂŒ but Ç Ă„e energy amazing. Public Enemy six years ago was like °  ´¯ï¹Š modern can music; like cut-up ĂŒ Šª  ­ ÂŽÂŻ insane ¨ c electronic music. I didn't like ° e attitude ĂŒ but I liked Ç Ă„e sound ĂŒ Ç Ă„e groove ²¹ ´Ă? °  ¯ ²¡ . So s was mind-blowing r me. and Ç Ă„e °  ¾ Ă­  ¯° Actually everyone said t e people cannot   ¡ ´ª ²¹ ´Ă?ÂŞ œ¯Ăˆ  ° be . I said "Yea sure ! You're . Let's do it!"

¼Œ§ Â&#x; o are you? ÂĄ ¢£t do you do ¤ music? Šª  ­ ÂŽÂŻ 1 try to make electronic music; ¨ c Š°¹²²  °  ¯´ °  ¾ . Âł e most important g about me is t ² œ¡ I'm m Cologne. You're in a group called Air Liquide. ž ¿À Âş us about ¸š ¸ Âť Ÿ½ ¸Ă

Can you tell

² ²¡¹ ´­ Jammin' Unit and mysel d Air Liquide in 1991. Jammin' Unit used to be an audio engi ¡¹Š neer and 1 was a producer Ă‚Ăƒr Ă„Ă…p e and ²° commercial dance crap. Æ r Ç Ă„e music was ´¯Ăˆ  ° used in Ç Ă„e t we used to use e studio Ă‚Ăƒr Šª  ­ ÂŽÂŻ c experiments. We started Air Liquide ¨ °  ¯ ¹Š ĂŠ at s time and we É t Ă„ d Ă‚ Ă‹n in Ç Ă„e studio ĂŒ  ° ¯´Ă?¯´ Ă? ¹Š not g about ĂŽ Ă? t we wanted to do ĂŒ É t Ă‘ Ă’Ă“Ă” Ă•Ă–Ă—  g out wit Ç Ă„e instruments; making  ¯ Š  ¾ Ă? °   ÂŻ ² œ¡ ´ ° sounds. all e r asses in t o Ă‚ e stage. Âł s is ²¡ totally important r me. Ă˜šĂ™ ĂšĂ›Ăœ name Air Liquide?  ¯  ¾ °  ¯ ²¹ Ă?¯´ Ăł s g Is ¸šº¸ ðùò is? Âł s is a kind oĂ‚ cool story. I d  ª¾   °  ¾°Ă? poser car (O ! Fucking ĂŒ s a bad word Yea sure! It's sex. ° ²¾Š° in e UK); a convertible; really . 1 was going  ¡ Ăž  °  ¯ Ìçè e in s car at 160 mp and 1 was going on Apart 🽠¸šº¸ is ¸š¿Ÿ¿ a message? ĂĽ is °  ¾¹°¡ Ă&#x;Âľ  °   Âś °  ¯ e n in Germany and e was s your music about?     Þ¯¾ l comtruck called Air Liquide (a Frenc My partner says no message ĂŒ actually my Âľ ´¡°   ĂŠ pany) and r car went in my lane so 1 Ă„ d message is sex.  ¯ °  to swerve so as not to t e truck. I missed Ç Ă„e Air Liquide truck by about 15 In way?  ¯   ²¾Š° cm. It was really ĂŒ really close and 1 didn't t Šª ­ ÂŽÂŻÂŤ ĂŒ like ²¹ Ă?¯´g on LSD. Âł ¾°Ă? s big  ¾° °  ¯ ° it. So 1 saw s sign Air Liquide and 1 didn't Ă„Ă… t ! 1 try to make music like . °  ¡¹Ăˆ  °  ¾ Š  ¡¹ ÂŽ it Ă and I t t maybe we d do a ò band like åâãä . And ¸½ š¸ you're playing live. Can you explain Ìçè ĂĽ were your roots? into Air

Liquide?

Ìçè ü music inspired you

 °  ¾°� A s really bad! Jammin' Unit comes ² œ¡ Šª  ­ Ž¯ m rock; ¨ c rock music and I come  ¾°� ² œ¡ m NWA Ê Public Enemy. ³ s really bad to say but actually it's true...

37

i

r

L i q u i d e

ĂŤĂŹ ° œ¹°  ­ ¯²² ÂŻÂŤÂą ÂŽ . It's really t to explain it. music or played wit  violins or Ă­  ¾°Î Âś. ĂŞ e a new Ă­   ¾Î ´Ă? People o t been in Cologne Ă‚Ăƒr a Ă‚ J w  ¾ ´Ăˆ ¯´  Ìçè

òó days ĂŒ g out wit us don't believe it. We do you ¸š spectacle? ĂĽ Þý DJing as a live °   Ăž ĂŒ "It's easy to drink 400 bottles o Ă‚ beer tell DJing is not live. It's like painting a wall. You   ²¹ Ă?¯´ in two days." Âł y say ĂŒ "You're g idiots. can paint a wall ¨ œ²° ÂŽÂŞ ; like Ă­  ¯° e or green or Ă? Ă­  ¾°Î Âś You don't know ĂŽ Ă? t you're talking about." ĂŒ and you don't see any drops on it ĂŒ no   Âś   Š  ¾­Š  ¾°Ă? Âł . s a DJ! Âł e are musicians. Âł y

 ¸š ò ' you made a make records ²¡ r DJs to play. Âł ÂŹy are inventing Apart 🽠¸š party-vibe LMNO ¸š a vocal °  Š  ¾­ ²¡ track called Twice Zero is K e colours and s r DJs to play. Âş track ¸š ¸ contained some quite deep sayings. Is Âş Âş your music also about ¸š ¸ in some ways? In ĂšĂ›Ăœ record industry people say ¸š ¸ DJs are ° ²¡ Ă­Â Mary Applegate o did all e vocals r us musicians. Do you agree?   ¡ is my PQRSTU UTPVW. All Ç Ă„e lyrics were about our I don't want to diss DJs. Âł y do a good É b \ ]  °  ¾ Š Y Z[ p because at t time e was mar- to bring music to people but ° ÂŹ y are not proX °  ¯ ried and I was married ĂŒ and s was a really bad ducers. ^_`abcdefgch . Ă„e got divorced and 1 got ÂŤ  ¯Ž­ œ divorced. I'm not allowed to see my n Does it not make you angry ¸šº¸ some DJs get °  ¯ œ Ž¾° ¯¡ ´Š  ¯ °  Š s e all ĂšĂ›Ăœ attention anymore because o Ă‚ ¨. All and make all ĂšĂ›Ăœ money (Ă˝  ¯ ² œ¡ °  ¯ vocals m s time ĂŒ like Âł s is not a mind ¸š¿Ă™ uŸ¿ not being creative? °  ¯ ¡¹ œ´ª  ¾°Ă?  trip i s is a body É " were really coming Âł s OK wit me! It's not my way. I've  ¾ ϡ Šª  ­ ÂŽÂŻ Ă&#x;Âą ŽŽŠ  ¯° ² œ¡ ĂŒ vwx yz vg against someone like Sven Vat  { Ă„o m Ç Ă„e . It's not like ¨ c  ¡ ´Š it's an t rock'n'roll vibe. It's about our makes lots o Ă‚ money by putting °¡Ăˆ°   r ¡°   r lives. people's tracks. 1 don't care. It's good to pro°  ¯´ It's a really bad g to talk about! mote to electronic music to Ç Ă„e masses. But °  ¯´ °  ¾ °   ĂŤĂŹ Ă­   °  Š n e DJs k t y are God ĂŒ 1 ĂŞ e a problem. ° In e end it doesn't matter ĂŒ because iĂ‚ peo°¡Ăˆ°   ĂŤĂŹ ple come r to ĂŞ e a good time ĂŒ you | }~ € Â‚ƒ t ĂŞĂŤĂŹ e to worry to tell °   Ăž ĂŒ "O  actu°  ¯ ally I made s track!" °  ¯´ ° ² I don't k 1 want all e credit. I l bad. ĂŤĂŹ Ă­   I ĂŞ e a problem n kids come to me and ² œ¡ say ĂŒ "Actually I came m Sweden to see your Š  ¡ °¡ ´¯Ăˆ  ° ? ² °  ¾ w t it was a bad idea. „ Ă„y . I l   Š  ¡¹ ÂŽ °   °  ¾° ĂŤĂŹ did y do ? Âł y d ĂŞ e stayed in í¾°   Sweden and d MTV. It puts a lot o Ă‚ pres  ² œ¡ m Sweden and payed sure on me. Âł y came °  ¡¹Š¾ ´ ĂŤĂŹ a d pounds to see me live ĂŒ so I ĂŞ e to °  ¾° be really good. I cannot do ! Al;ck

  Âś ÂŹ œ²¡ œÞ Âą œ¯  I ¨ d in ĂŒ Switzerland. Âł e  ¾ œ­¡ Âś  Š  ¡ Âś  ¾ ÂŻ was a e girl; a lesbian wit t r and ÂŹĂŽÂŹ œªí   œ tattoos ĂŒ and Ă„e was standing   Ă&#x;ÂŹ ¯´ ÂŹ œ²¡ œÞ¯´ Š  í ÂŹ d me and n 1 stopped ¨ g e  ¹ came and gave a big g to me. Ă„e started to °  ¾ kiss me and said t it was Ç Ă„e most amazing  °  ¾ ĂŠ g wit electronic instruments t Ă„e Ă„ d  ever seen. Ă„e was Ç Ă„e singer o Ă‚ a Zuric punk   ¾ group. e said Ăź Âł t was so cool! I never knew  °  ¾ t was possible wit electronic instruments."

A @ BC

ž or Ăą ¸ party music? ÂŹ œ²¡ œÞ¯´ Ă­   For me n I'm ¨ g live I'm an ĂŤĂŹ ° entertainer. I ĂŞ e to try and entertain e peo­¾ ´² Ž¡¡ Âś ple on Ç Ă„e . n I'm doing records ­ ¯²² œ ´ Ă­  ¾°Î t jklmn . I can do r I'd it's a totally ĂŤĂŹ °    ¾ ´ like to do and you ĂŞ e e e to say yes or ÂŹ œ²¡ Âś ² œ¡ ´ ² ² ¯²° no to my records. IĂ‚ I ¨ m live in to y ² ÂŻĂŽ  ¹ ´­ œ °   ĂŤĂŹ or e d people y all want to ĂŞ e a ² ĂŤĂŹ good time. So 1 l like Frank Sinatra and 1 ĂŞ e

òó Âş ¿¿  Š ° ¸š ¸š ¸ ¸š Âź H ÛÞ .But don't you are people to give e people a good time. I make a

ò ¿òÀ¿   ð&Ăą were by your music and want to opqrstpy ­ ¯²² œ ´t sound ° ÂŹ n Ă­ ÂŹ n I'm producing Do you also DJ?  know about you because Þý your music; ĂšĂ›Ăœ records. ° ¾° No! I'm too stupid to do ! You need to ĂŤĂŹ ² Ž¯´ ²¹ ¸Ÿù¸šà ÍÏ I ĂŞ e a really bad g to k around  ê e money in your pocket to buy new records ­² ¯´¯° ÂŽ ° Âľ  I y appreciate t people like our wit my audience ĂŒ to say ĂŒ "I'm an artist and I'll Š°¹²² ĂŤĂŹ °  ¾° ­ ¯²² ÂŻÂŤÂą ÂŽ . I don't ĂŞ e t Ă‚Ăƒr and ĂŒ it's too °   Ă­  ¾°Ă?  music I but y don't know s going on iĂ‚ Š ¡ w you my art. You dig it or die! 1 don't care!" Š  ¡ me to go into a record p and buy new °    ¾Î ´Ă? y t been in Cologne and went partying your live style?  records and listen to new records. It's not my °   wit us Ă‚Ăƒr six days. And y don't know Ă„Ăƒ w ²¹ ´´ Âľ °¡Ăˆ°   People say it is easy to make music using comIt's really y because we É m r on deal. Ìçè

òó ¿¿ to die. It's true. It sounds dramatic. ÂŹĂŽÂŹ œª°  ¯´ ĂĽ do you ¸š about ¸š critiputers. electronic instruments ĂŒ and iĂ‚ g works

² ¯´ Ăž¾  ¯´ Âż Âż We've been out partying every day Ă‚Ăƒ r a cisms? ò ĂŒ we press start and all Ç Ă„e out s You release your music on many Ă°Ă° Âź ¸ labels. ² °  í couple o years ĂŒ and at six o'clock in e morn

I don't know anyone o was able to switc work. So we start to combine electronic Ă˜šĂ™ is ¸š Ă Ă› don't you make music ýÞÿ one Ă­   Âś  ª°  Ăž ¾° Ăž¡Š   œ ing n we are totally blasted we go and pro- on a computer and make good music instantly. Âż Âż

ò sounds; make . label so people know š Âź to Ă° ĂŒ make ¨ your music? °   ´¯Ăˆ  ² œ¡ Âľ ´¡°   duce some tracks ĂŒ and n we go to sleep ĂŒ and Âł   œĂ? s only two types o Ă‚ music Ă‚Ăƒr me; bad ² œ¯ ´­Š Yesterday t 1 saw a live PA m r UK   ° I don't believe in labels. I believe in .  ° ÂŻ ĂŠ n we invent ourselves again. So everyday we music and good music. I don't care iĂ‚ it's rock ² œ¯ ´­ act ĂŒ and s was l playback and I Ă„ d to n s come to me and want to release a Because Ç Ă„e more people people can talk °  ¯ ²¡ s is r your about you ĂŒ Ç Ă„e more important °   ° œ¹°  publicity D iĂ‚ you tell m Ç Ă„e ĂŒ it's kind o Ă‚ °   œ °  ¯´ boring; like E "1 was born ĂŒ and I k åâãä F and I did åâãä G " It's boring! But iĂ‚ people start to °   œĂ? talk about you and it's not true and s a big  ª ÂŹ °   °  ¯ ²¹ ´ ? n s is " rumour and some ¨ ĂŒ

¿À ò

Is ¸ š ½

serious

24 June 1998

MUSIC

38 CLUBSCENE - A L B U M S IN BRIEF SONARTRIBE. SIGNALS 22 Jury • • • • Welcome to Â… †‡s is ˆ Sonartribe's debut album. Â? Š ‰ ‡ †‹Œ t a Â? †ŽÂ?‹ w o a doubt ‘ one ’Š o †e most innovative D n' B proÂ? “ ”•Š ‹˜˜ ‘ s o recent time. From – —e Signals an awesome ™š› ÂœÂ? Â?provides Š ”• ‹Â&#x; Š ¥ †ž Â? e melodies n o wit † roug † bass-lines. ˜ ¢Â‹ m Š †e D 'n' B norm ‘ Straying ÂŒÂĄ ÂŽ Sonartribe are ÂŁ † m based Mike Š ” Mars † and Lorna Lewis. ¤ ÂĽÂŚn † y Š ˜‹ are not programming r †e BBC or ” Š ”Ž • Š ” † ‡r Â? †Ž ¢ d love Â’ †‡žg Aerobics § ‰‹ ” ¢Â˜ÂŒ Â? o – —e weird and ž l leads Š ” Š † m to produce some o˜ †e darkest Drum and Bass around. Mike and Lorna's ability to wanŠ ¢Â‹ÂŒ¨ “ ‹Œ ¢ ” der † †a ž y comprising o˜ ­Ž¯ °°¹² ÂŞ ÂŤ ' breaks and beats ‘ Š Â?ÂŒ ÂłÂ&#x; †‹‹ ´Â? ‘ Balearic guitar slammin' ¡¡ Š ”• ‹Â&#x; ” Â?¨ ” ¾œ s and †ž d electro Âş beats leaves you wondering ¸ š t Š ” ¥” ÂŽ ÂŒ else † y are going to ž Â? †. ‹ Š • †‘ and All ten tunes are top ž Æ Âż Š ‹ ½ž Ă€Ă Ă‚ĂƒĂ„Ă… à Ç † Â? e suc † as Ÿ

Š

¨

tunes live up to †e duo's †‡ † stanŠ ÂŽ dards and eventually it is said † t Š ÂĄÂĄ ˜Œ y live. †‡s album will be taken Š ” ¢Â”” ˜” ¢Â‘ turn up your Until † ž‘ roll a system and l out.

9: ;

and Fenns - 7 8 < TJ Cases - My >?@ABCDAE> F = I could go on but I Â? won't. Plenty o underground Â? action wit † a nice mix o more ÂĄ ‹Œ vocal numbers ‘ it Â? † d go down wit † train-spotters' and – —e occasional clubber equally well.

Rough

Technique

Mixed

by the

Freestylers (Freskanova) 29 June ••••1/2 ‹Œ ÂĄd know ¸ šº t to You Â? † Š ˜ ¢Â‹ expect m †e Freestylers by now ‘ block rocking break beat/nu skool Š ÂŽ Š ” ‹‰ action y Â? † ‡žg us † t † y don't s 1) P.S. To D Clarke “Œ ŠÂ&#x; ‹ ‰ †o in Issue 1115 voiced †‡s disÂ?t make Â? †‡ † t tunes but also Š ÂŽ ‹¥ Š ” Š Š ” ˜ can more † n † d † ‡r own gust at †e lack o grammar in † Â? e Â? ” Âł Â? ”” Š ˜ l as †‹Œ¨ † you †‡žd – —e turntables. I you've reviews. I you Š ” ” ”Š Š ” been lucky enoug † to catc † † ‡r DJ ÓÔÕ e Â? ‹ Ă– †‡žg to ‹˜˜ ¢ ‘ † n outings all over London and ‹ please come and Â? † w us your Š ” Š beyond † n †‡s CD will not disap ¡¡ - but in – —e meantime ‘ is my ˜ ¢Â‹ m – —e Š ¢¨ point. Made up entirely colon in †e ‡ †t place ?- you seem Â? Freskanova back catalogue ‘ unbe‰ Ăˆ like – —e sort o person †o would lievable — w many roug † tunes z {|}~ know.... ˜” ŽŠ ÂŒ ¢Â‡Âžg many e put out ˆ ò ™ œ€ Š” Â˜ÂŽĂ˜Â‹ÂŒ ¢ ‡ s and new unrem party Š leased material. Wit  Â†e undisputÂ? Dope Dragon. Wayz Of The Dragon ed scratc † DJ talents o J Rock Š ‹Œ • ” 22 June • • • • ˜ Â? putting – —e ‡ž‡Â? †‡žg † s Â?to a Dope Dragon ‘ coming out o Black Whole Styles. Big D a d d a ˜ŽŒ ¥Š ¥” Â? s 70 o d d minutes o nuŠ ÂĄ ‹Œ †e Full Cycle camp (you Â? † d Compilations 8th June it it it ÂŽ Â” Â? it skool Ă– † Ă–. Š ” …†‡s is a compilation o previknow † ‡r names by now!) bring ˜ us a collection o out and out Drum ously released ‘ exclusive and ” Š ÂŒ ” ˜ ¢Â‹ m Š †e Big Dadda remixed tracks and Bass tracks wit † ž † Â? s on Â? Š ¥‹‹ ¢ ˜ ˜ ¢ label. Drawing on M C s and produc†e dance . Â… †e ‡ Â?t couple o Ăą þÜ and ers ranging ˜ ¢Â‹ m New York too tracks Came and HIJK Š ˜‹ Styles LMNO PQM s G Are You set †e stall out r York. Black Everyone else and Rays ate an Â? ( Š Š ‹ ˜ Â?Ăˆ ¥Š ÂŽ ‹Œ¨ some o – — e realist †‡ Â&#x;Â?†‹ p I've † w e rest o e album is to † † essential r any DJ box ‘ † † ”Ž ¢ “ ÂŒÂ?¨ “ ÂŒ ÂŽ ¢ ‹ ¥¨ Š † d in some time. I you'veÂ? a bit † d to e Â?t † w †’e only Â? ‡ †t criticism is – —e lack low. It's Š Š ” ˜ ¢Â‹ † grown disillusioned by e mass o † Â? good e tracks are as I've only o variety m tune to tune. (Â&#x; ‹ ” ˜ ¥‹‹Â? ‡žg † ÂŽ ¢d it on tape ‘ but ¸ šº t I could Šmore commercial †‡ † p Š Š ÂŽ ˜ †e scene at – —e moment ‘ †‡s tell is † t it is packed l o quality “Œ Š ˜ ¢Â‹ you and originality m – —e Bristol could be Â?t †e answer ‘ taking Â? (Â&#x; ‹ T ÂŽ ¢Â? R S n †‡ † p crew. Plenty o rolling and † - back to – —e roots ÂŒ (˜ ¢Â‹ žt and experi stepping business going on e was original U Â? Š Š ÂŽ and ! i you've been out recently ‘ mental: †‡s captures all † t and Š ‹ ( ”¢ ”Ž ¢ X ÂŽ ÔÕ Ă– Â? † Â?- Muki. Cabin Fever (Mantra) you're bound to Ă“ e † d at least more. VW t beats ‘ dark Š ˜Š ” 6 Jury • • • • one o † Â? e tracks. As wit † all †e icals Y dope lyrics and plenty o Š ” † action keeps it lively but recent Drum and Bass albums ‘ it Šscratc As wit † most albums † Â? e ” ” Š ¢ Â? ˜ ” ” Š Š ÂŽ #$%&#' Â? ˜ † s †e standard " sound- Ӡ ”n again ‘ † e are so many ‡ - days ‘ †‡s one ‡ s any distinct Â? ˜ ¢ žt styles e (nearly every ‹ Š †” r Š †Ž n electroning track. Overall very impressive ‘ style o music ” ” DEEP DISH JUNK SCIENCE Â? ˜˜ ¢ žŠ ) I couldn't possibly Š ÂŽ Š ÔÕ ˜ so muc † so † t I'm going to Ă“ e track is” ‡ ic. Based mainly in †e area o tripŠ ” ˜‹ ¢ ” Out Now it-kit Š Š Âł ‹ ‹˜ sum † m up in so little space. Take † p but to track down †e vinyl e it's n spilling over into • ÂŽ • Š Deep Ă‰ĂŠĂ‹ĂŒĂ? contrary to popular ”• a † ž e on †‡s relatively unknown Drum and Bass ‘ Â… †žo and even ³” ¥‡” ˜ ‘ is not a cooking utensil too late. label as I'm sure it will surprise you. Deep House. ˜‹ ¥¥‹ w along wit † Ready needed to X ƒX „ ŠŠ” Š ‹ Track two - ‚ W Â… starts out in Steady Cook but – —e † Â? t †‡žg Made Great In Britain Mixed by the ˜ ˜ ÂŽ ¨ Š ‹ ž. Freestyle Files 4. Crackers Delight a Â’style reminiscent o Orbital's sort DreemTeem (4 Liberty) ever to come out o ĂŽ Â? †‡ž Š o sound and gradually builds (over Ă‘ Ă’Ă‘ ÔÕ (K7) 6 Jury • • • Ali and Ă? Ă? m Ă“ e rocked †e Out N o w •• • • •” ‹˜˜ wit † a distinctive nine and a †Ž ÂĄÂ˜ minutes) to a ÂŒ †Â&#x; † ( d album ˜ ¢Â‹ m ‹Œ Â… †‡ s starts A Ă– † Â? e scene since collaborating in Š Â? ˜”” l to it ˆ in a down beat trancey deep †‹Œ Â? e sort o Â? †‡ˆ‰Š . ” ˜¢ Ž“ ‹ †‹ Â? e leaders o garage music ‘ – —e summer Â? 1992. Â… † ‡r ‡ Â?t Ă– r work was a • ‹‰Â&#x; ÂŽ Â? ‡žg – —e style you could call it †Ž ((y †‡(- Plenty o live instruments are also ˜ ‘ Â? † lead remix o Hideaway by De'Lacy. Dreem Teem Š Z [\ Â? Š ” Š ” to create †‡s unique ÔÕ . Laid back grooves over easy incorporated ” Since † ž‘ † y Ă“ e been asked cream o – —e UK garage scene Š ÂĄ Š ÂŽ ˜ ÂŒ Š Š ) Š Š ” Â? ‘ sax ‘ keys beats ‘ and a summery ]^^_ . I sound † t is Muki: †Ž s blown up over †e past year. going ” to spin † ‡r magic in re-working Ă‘ +, s Š †‡s latest mixed compi- ` ab cd a ˜ ” w o˜ Š †e tracks a little to and in track Š †¢ e ¸ šº t sounds like So ‘ * Ă? tracks by artists suc † as Janet fg ˜ ÂĄÂŒÂ˜Â˜ Â‘ ˜‹r v/ant o˜ a better a kazoo! But it is all done so well ‘ ˜¢ Jackson ‘ Tina Turner ‘ Paula Abdul lation like? Well at ‡ Â?t I was a little de t and “ Š ” Â?Ăˆ ” Âş † y seem to get it ÂŒÂ?t ¢Â‡¨ †t every Ă˜ ¢ ÂŠ †‡žg but Š †e Girl (EBTG). disappointed as I know ¸ š t good expression h r my taste. But wit † and Ă— ˜ ¢Â‹ m suc † labels as R&S, time ‹ getting quite musical in Š ” are and I under- tracks ” ÂĄ( Deep Dis † are musicians. Â… †‡s DJs †Š Â?ÂŽe Šboys Â? l ” Š ÂŒ ÂŽ ÂŒ( ‹ Š ”ŽŠŒ ¢Â” ˜ ijk a Tunes and m † ž‡c and places. ÂŒ Â? ÂŽ Â?Š † ( s” create – —e debut album s live guitars ‘ stand † t Š †e ž † Â? ‡ Â? m is on †e ÂŽ ‹ ˜ ¢Â‹ m blissed out Ă– Â? † ¢ ‡c grooves even a Drum and Bass track Š ÂŽ ‘’ Š Š sax and keyboards. Track 2 , Future tunes wit † †e mixing taking second Š Ăœ † t Â? l †‡s album - described in †e ÙÚ Ă› Ă? ĂžĂ&#x;Ă Ă&#x;åâã wit † vocals by place. …†e album rolls along seam- †e Dub Club again wit † a summer Âş ‹¢ vibe n you don't know ¸ š t to press release as lusŠ† laid back Â? elecEBTG's Tracey Â… † ž‘ is a reworking lessly wit † great tune selection and ” Â’ Š ” ˜ ¢ expect next. Â… † n you get to – —e tronicaÂ? and I can't †‡žk o a better impressive mixing skills still on o † ‡r ‡ Â? t track wit † – —e Â? ‰ • Â? †‹‰ ‘ i kept to a minimum. Not second CDŠ †‡ † 1 expected to way o putting it so I won't. Deconstruction label ä Stay Gold. ” Š ÂŽ ¢ in †e same up opqrps g sort ç èç ĂŠĂŞ s diverse music quite as † d as † ‡r club sets but continue So Luke Mullen and Jules Evans Ali and ĂĽ ĂŚ ˜‹ • ÂŒ Â? ‡žg on Š †e more vocal oÂ’ styles ‘ but instead you get a dark ‰ †o make up Muki ÓÔÕ e made an Š ÂŽ instead taste is no better illustrated † n Â? • …†ŽÂ?t Šminimal down beat number to get interesting” and entertaining album between Summer's ĂŤĂŹĂ­ĂŽĂŻ ‰ †‡ † side o ‹‰underground ” Ă˜ ” ¢ Š ” ¢ garage. ”” †e CD started - in total contrast to and ! as Š † y ÓÔÕ e only been making ‘ † e are plenty o Â?Ăˆ “ ÂŒ Š †Žs a laid back ‘ trancey ˜ l to it ˆ said Ă? † “Œ ” ÔÕ Š ÂŽ very open music r Â?t over a year ‘ it Â?t ùòóôôþÜ ÚúÚÝ Ăź ýÞÿ Ă˝ is true underground ž † Ă–s on e †e tuvwx. You Ă“ e to be Š and Ă° is áø ”Š ” ‹ ” Š ‹‰ †‡s assorted Â? † s ‡ † r † w talented † y are Âş ‹Œ : Dubz 4 Kubz - / Neeed Your minded to appreciate Â? arguably ¸ š t † Â? e used to be in like Â? - ./0 ‹ collection o beats. Š 1 Dreem Teem's superb mix o or † w easy it is to make electron†e good old days. 2 ‹¥ - ./0 56 1 “ ” Public ic music! † a Ama's - 34 Ramsey Â… †‡s album is a masterpiece. All

24 June 1998

MUSIC

39

1

CLUBSCENE - SINGLES

Seba. Planetary Funk Alert (Looking

Good) Out N o w A n o t h e r faultless p i e c e of w o r k from the L o o k i n g G o o d c a m p , w h i c h is w h y it's n o surprise that it's b e e n g e t t i n g p l e n t y o f p l a y s at the L o g i c a l P r o g r e s s i o n parties . s e n d i n g t h e c r o w d into a frenzy everywhere it's been d r o p p e d . A b s o l u t e l y killer key line in t h e break a n d I c a n still hear C o n r a d ' s lyrics f l o a t i n g o v e r t h e t o p , h a n d s in the air s tuff. A l s o f e a t u r e d o n Bukem's Progression Sessions mix C D . W h a t m o r e n e e d 1 say, this is a must. Big

Bud.

Emotlonography

(Good

Looking) Out N o w If y o u ' r e a fan o f p r e v i o u s B i g B u d releases this s h o u l d n ' t be a d i s a p p o i n t m e n t , as it's pretty m u c h in the s a m e v e i n . W i t h t h o s e f a m i l iar c r i s p rolling beats, d u b b e d o u t bassline a n d d r e a m y a t m o s p h e r e icals a n d e f f e c t s . A n o t h e r o n e getting m a x i m u m s u p p o r t f r o m LTJ himself, a l s o f e a t u r e d o n his m i x C D . Just a d d i n g t o t h e l o n g list of innovative a n d p r o g r e s s i v e tracks that is G o o d L o o k i n g R e c o r d s . M.T.S Hard Disk /Revolution remix-

es (Juice) 13 Jury D e c o d e r g e t s o n the m i x of Hard Disk a n d give s it that d i s t i n c tive d a r k , fairly m i n i m a l r o l l i n g treatment. C l a s h i n g beats injecting in n o w a n d t h e n o v e r t h e d r o w n i n g bass t o n e s a n d c h o p p e d u p rolling beats. But I actually prefer A - S i d e s mix of Revolution w h i c h feels a little h a r d e r , p l e n t y o f a d d i t i o n a l beats t h r o w n in o v e r the m a i n d r u m pattern w h i c h k e e p s y o u interested and clever fx a n d s a m p l e s give it the f i n i s h i n g t o u c h .

Prisoners O f Technology. One Two - World Cup M i x (Fresh Kuts) Another t w o strong releases f r o m P . O . T , but I fail t o s e e w h a t it has t o d o w i t h t h e W o r l d C u p ! They keep surprising m e with the consistent quality of t h e material releas ed t o d ate, that fits neatly in b e t w e e n Jump U p a n d m o r e Intelligent a n d Dark styles. N o t a hint o f c h e e s e o n either track, as I k e e p e x p e c t i n g . One Two is an intelligently m a d e fast p a c e d track w i t h c l e a n c r i s p beats a n d t h e y s h o w their diversity as t h e y d i s p e n s e w i t h the m a s s i v e bass-line a n d g o w i t h f u c k e d w i t h effects. T o p m a r k s o n c e a g a i n . Low Down (Trouble O n Vinyl) This latest release has b e e n a while c o m i n g , t h e first s i n c e their highly i m p r e s s i v e a l b u m Code

Streets. E c h o i n g bass t o n e s sets u p t h e break w i t h eerie e f f e c t s a n d y o u e x p e c t it t o d r o p like a b o m b but it d o e s n ' t . Instead it c o m e s back w i t h light, cleverly c u t , s k i p p y beats that are c o n s t a n t l y building. Q u i t e m i n i m a l really but w o r k s very w e l l the w a y t h e thre e or s o different beat patterns interchange.

Embee. Power (Splash) 6th Jury A firm favourite w i t h t h e likes of H y p e and Grooverider. A hectic p a c e is set w i t h loads going o n , rough metallic beats sounding a little like B a b y l o n in the bassline d e p a r t m e n t if I'm n o t m i s t a k e n . Damage has a w i c k e d intro that s o u n d s like a laser p u l s e b e i n g fired (Golden Eye N 6 4 ? ) t h e n c o m e s in the b r o k e n beats again fast a n d furious a n d in a n off b e a t stylee.

Grant Nelson Project. Step 2 Me (Swing City) O u t of the three m i x e s o n offer, I'd g o for the Future D u b , w h i c h totally c u t s t h e v o c a l d o w n t o little stabs a n d starts off w i t h a intro taken f r o m a n o l d D r u m a n d Bass track, if I'm n o t m i s t a k e n . Slightly o v e r w h e l m i n g p i a n o that, if it w a s n't cut o u t w h e n it is, w o u l d s o u n d rather d o d g y i n d e e d , but t h e y get a w a y w i t h it. N i c e s c r a t c h t a k i n g y o u back into it. O n the first f e w listens I w a s n ' t c o n v i n c e d by this track but after r e p e a t e d listening it has g r o w n o n m e , y e t it still s e e m s t o lack s o m e t h i n g . A t the risk o f s o u n d i n g sexist I'd say this w a s o n e for the ladies, e s p e c i a l l y the full v o c a l a n d t w o s t e p m i x e s that have a s o u l d i v a t y p e of v o c a l . Davis and Sweet. Muzik - Can

u

Feel It (Weston Village) 3rd Jury Fellowship. Mombassa

/

Quartz

(Creative Source) In a very m u s i c a l style that Creative S o u r c e have b e e n c h a m p i o n i n g for s o m e t i m e n o w , s t r o n g p i a n o riffs r u n a l o n g s i d e q u i t e a hard sounding d r u m pattern with little stabs of t r u m p e t a n d flutes. Definitely o n e for t h o s e l o n g s u m m e r nights a h e a d . Quartz is a little harder a n d y o u c o u l d be m i s t a k e n for t h i n k i n g it w a s o n G o o d L o o k i n g r e c o r d s , it's in that sort o f style.

Digital. Express (Creative Source) Digital is o n e of m y favourite p r o d u c e r s o f t h e m o m e n t after a string of w i c k e d releases. This latest o f f e r i n g is pretty m i n i m a l , w i t h intelligent use o f t h e d r u m p a t t e r n s b a c k e d u p by d e p t h g i v i n g e f f e c t s . H i s fairly u n i q u e tight b e a t s are difficult t o e x p l a i n , s o I w o n ' t try. If y o u ' r e l o o k i n g for s o m e t h i n g a little different, it's w e l l w o r t h c h e c k i n g o u t . F l i p - s i d e in a totally different style reminiscent of one of D e c o d e r ' s dark rollers. Breakbeat Era. Breakbeat Era (Full

Cycle/XL) 29 June Breakbeat Era are Lennie L a w s , DJ Die a n d R o n i Size a n d , as y o u m i g h t e x p e c t , all t h e s e tracks are breakbeat d r i v e n . The original m i x has a full s o n g f r o m Lennie L a w s , w i t h a d o u b l e b a s s . M o r e of a s o n g than a out a n d out D r u m a n d Bass track, very w e l l d o n e if y o u like that sort of t h i n g . The Full C y c l e m i x is rather d i s a p p o i n t i n g a n d feels very w e a k overall. DJ D i e m i x is m y favourite, totally breakbeat d r i v e n w i t h d o u b l e b a s s l i n e , t h o s e full c y c l e style be a ts . It g e t s a little tinny for m e , t h o u g h .

Title track Muzik has p r e t t y s u b tle beats a n d bass, relying o n keys, effects a n d title v o c a l s t o g e t y o u m o v i n g , but feels a little w e a k a n d , dare I say, b o r i n g . It k e e p s threate n i n g t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o spark it off but never d o e s . But I've a feeli n g it's m e a n t t o be th i s w a y , a n e a s y g o i n g roller. Destiny is m o r e lively d u e t o to u gh e r beats again, pleasant key i n t e r c h a n g e s and g o o d m i x of the t w o v o c a l s w o r k i n g h a n d in h a n d . This o n e has that little s o m e t h i n g that grabs y o u r a t t e n tion and gets y o u moving. Pursernel and Sons. Ain't What You

Do (Swing City) 3 Jury Slightly d u b i o u s v o c a l that lets this track d o w n for m e , as clever beats a n d m i d bass t o n e s are quite effective but always feeling a little m a i n s t r e a m for m e . But t h e n S w i n g City d o s e e m t o nestle b e t w e e n o u t a n d out underground garage a n d m o r e v o c a l , classic garage. G r a n t ' s D e e p a n d D e a d l y m i x has t o be m y f a v o u r i t e , c h u n k y b e a t s a n d he m a n a g e s t o m a k e the v o c a l s o u n d all right v i a c u t t i n g the fuck o u t of it. I w o u l d n ' t call this a b l i n d i n g track but it's O K . The

Memzee.

Funky Love

(Vinyl

Distribution) Out N o w This has t o be o n e of the best tracks I've h a d sent t h r o u g h this year and I haven't s t o p p e d playing it. A n d I actually prefer the v o c a l m i x t o the d u b (that is a first), w i t h the a m a z i n g v o c a l talents of T he M e m z e e are u n r e a l . Right u p t h e r e w i t h Roy D a v i s Jnr's Gabrielle for v o c a l c o n t e n t but m u c h m o r e d a n c e a b l e a n d c l u b friendly. N o t s o m u c h tuff beats but p e r c u s s i o n a n d

off key p i a n o t o n e s get y o u g r o o v ing. W i c k e d track p e r f e c t for t h e summer months ahead. Pob. Boiler (Platipus) Out Soon This h a r d in y o u r face t e c h h o u s e sort of stuff, w i t h trancey tinges and contains all y o u r favourite a n i m a l s o u n d s , h o n e s t l y it d o e s . G e t t i n g p l e n t y of s u p p o r t f r o m the likes of S a s h a , O a k e n f o l d a n d N i c k W a r r e n t o m e n t i o n but a f e w . it's d e e p , h a r d , t r i p p y a n d w e l l put t o g e t h e r : all in all a fierce track. A l s o a r e m i x by H u m a t e , w h o m i n i m a l i s e s t h e beats a c t i o n a n d darke n s it u p s o m e in a t y p i c a l G e r m a n t r a n c e y style. Conscious.

Northern

Lights

(Platipus) Out Soon O r i g i n a l m i x has m a s s i v e intro of a t m o s p h e r e i c a l s , e f f e c t s , bird calls - very d e e p a n d d r e a m y t h e n eventually t h e bass d r u m rolls in with skippy percussion lines. A pleasant t r a n c e y n u m b e r in a rolling f a s h i o n . P o d m i x is h a r d h o u s e b o r d e r i n g o n funky T e c h n o , starts off with jungle animal sounds. Squelchey beats a n d a driven bass d r u m a c c o m p a n i e d by w o b b l y a c i d s o u n d s that m e s s w i t h y o u r m i n d as it k e e p s b u i l d i n g . Sure t o k e e p a n y floor p u m p i n g .

D o n ' t forget all the singles feat u r e d here are b a s e d o n 1 2 " Vinyl n o t C D releases a n d m a n y will o n l y be available in s m a l l i n d e p e n d e n t r e c o r d s s h o p s not the large c h a i n s t o r e s . A l s o the release d a t e s are just a r o u g h g u i d e as m a n y are p u t back, b r o u g h t f o r w a r d etc. Even t h o u g h this is o f t e n t h e c a s e ther e are a l w a y s a f e w p r o m o c o p i e s floating a r o u n d w e l l before official release d a t e s .

Jo

Public.

24 June 1998

MUSIC

40 CLUBSCENE - NEWS * REVIEWS

W

ell, this is the last Clubscene of this term and we've got plenty of stuff to keep your summer bubbling, with all the freshest album and single releases for the next few months, as well as all the clubs that are worth a look. But before we get into it: I must apologise to you all for my appalling use of the English language, and since D Clarke, (Physics 1) pointed it out in no uncertain

terms, i have been attending an intensive training course, in a attempt to bring myself up to his/her obviously very high standards. I hope this has help your reading pleasure. First up the Flex Kru: (interview issue 1115 - pictured) after their massive club hit Watch The Flex, they have decided to release future material on their own label Marvel City Records instead of using Bullion Records who released their first track. Now they have more control over their material, and after a little break, they guarantee that the releases will be coming thick and fast, with the next release Summer Time Blues due in about 1 month. I heard this hot off the press, well hot off the DAT actually, as it hasn't even been finished yet alone pressed up yet. This is going to be even bigger than Watch The Flex - it's looking set to be one of the first true summer anthems. So

remember where you heard about it first. Summer Time Blues is set for release around end of July, it's going to be massive. If you can't wait till then, check out Upfront 99.3 FM where you can hear The Dexter, amongst others, playing all their new releases. Next up; Ninja Tunes have changed the location of their first Thursday of every month club nights to 333 Club Old Street, so you now get three floors of the freshest breaks and beats for your money, in the basement, you get the four decks mash up from the likes of DJ Food, the first floor brings the likes of Coldcuts and Hex Audio Visual Experience and finally, on the ground floor you get the likes of Mixmaster Morris and many more of the finest itchy, scratchy DJs in the business. One not to miss!

who love their music real: the Logical Progression Crew LTJ and Family join up with the purveyors of quality house music, Sasha and Digweed and Danny Rampling amongst others - a truly unique event combining the best of both worlds in two arenas. The only problem is that's it's all the way out on the coast and Hastings Pier but 1 know I'm gonna be there. For further info call: 01424 715207 That's about it from me and don't forget you can catch me alongside the DJ Roast every Thursday 12pm-2am on the one &. only Upfront 99.3FM. Also look out for club appearences over the summer. Just leaves me to wish you all a hot and sweaty summer and all the best until we meet again. See yal Jo Public

Finally there's a little treat being set up for the 3rd July for people

CLUBSCENE - DJ BOXES

WHAT'S IN THE BOX

WHERE WE CHECK WHAT'S IN THE FRONT OF TOP DJs RECORD BOXES.

Jo Public - Top 10 (Garage)

Jo Public - Top 10 (Drum Ik Bass)

1. The M e m z e e - Funky Love (Vinyl Distribution) 2. Anthill M o b - Set You Free (Makeshift) 3. Jack Ik Jill - Don't Know Baby (Casa Trax)

1. Calyx - Double Zero (Audio Culture) 2. Shimon IkAndy C - Live Line (Ram Rec.) 3. Jonny L - Moving Thru Air, Optical Mix (XL)

4. Gruesome Twosome - Tracks (Checkmate Masters)

4. Seba - Planetary Funk Alert (GoodLooking)

5. Prime Suspect - Case / (Rise n' Shine) 6. Martha Wash - Catch The Light, Dub mix (Logic) 7. Curtis Ik M o o r e - Never Give Up. Bumpin' Dub (Swing City)

5. ? - Low Down (Trouble O n Vinyl) 6. Prisoners O f Technology - One Two (Fresh Kutts)

8. Ray Hurley - Treat Me Right (Quench) 9. M A D Productions Feat. Carroll Thompson - Too Late (E1)

7. Fellowship - Mombassa (Creative Source) 8. Decoder fk Mark Caro - Eko (Tech Itch) 9. Peshay - Miles From Home (Mo Wax)

10. Dem 2 remix - Beautiful People (White)

10. Trace - Sonar (Prototype)

Dj Risky - Top 10 (Garage) (Catch these and many more on Risky's radio show Sunday Nights 8pm-10pm Upfront 99.3 FM. Big up all the hit the Hit Squad, Lee Valentine all Upfront massive, Emily, the Flex Kru fk DEA massive)

Fabio - Top 10 (Drum & Bass) (Don't forget you can check Fabio on Radio 1 every other Friday evening) 1. Endemic Void - Down The Line (Dubplate)

1. M r Jones - Mad Changes (Bug Rec Promo)

2. Solid State - The Electric Ballroom (Dubplate)

2. ? - Fresh Kutts Vol.2 (White) 3. M Dubs - Over You (White) 4. Guy Slmone / MJ Cole - Your Mine (Prolific Rec)

3. Fellowship - Quartz (Creative Source) 4. E-Z Rollers - Hold On (Moving Shadow)

5. MJ Cole - Sincere (Meterix)

6. Matrix Mix - Unknown (White Label) 7. Photek Ik Peshay - Rings Around Saturn (Dubplate)

6. Flex Kru - Don't Front Us (Acetate) 7. Lenny Fontana - Spirit Of The Sun (Public Demand) 8. Groove Chronicles - Do To Me (White) 9. D . E A - Music's HypnotisingPt4 (Booby Trap) 10. Ray Hurley - Your Love Remixes (Quench double pack)

L

5. Primary Motive - BluePrlnt ( Creative Source)

8. Voyager - Beatnik (Dubplate) 9. Grooverider - River Of Congo/ On The Double (Higher Ground Unreleased Dubplate) 10. State O f The Art - M r s Warren's Profession (Dubplate)

J

24 June 1998

MUSIC

41

CLUBSCENE - CLUB REVIEW

A W O L @ The Camden Palace Âź

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s

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t was also being d in n wit £  ¤ Š Public Demand records  a t ¸ £o emerging Garage label took ¥ over £e second arena to celebrate ¥  ¥ ¢Œ launc £ o new album  £e £ r £

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g so muc £ about e now legendary AWOL ¥ s down £e Paradise ¢¤ ¼Œ§ Club o a w years back  £ g ¥ £e tapes but never actually going ¥ ¢ Ž to one    ­ §Œn I saw £ y¥ were doing ¨ ª £t down £e Camden a one ¤ Š Palace I ¯ ° t £ d to go. I knew it §¨ ¥ Œ§ ¥ would be g like £e original £ ¹²³´¾œ¡ but it was as close as I was Œ¥ ¨ ¥  going to get¥ ¸ £ ° t £e aid o time ¨Š travel. For £ e o you ¸ £o don't ¥ ¢Œ know  AWOL made £ r name dur¥ ing £e early '90's š putting on regu¤ ºº §Œª ¥¢ ¼  lar £ s playing a unique  blend o ground-breaking wit £ trend setting drum and bass. ¥

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attended a ÂŁt down ž e a w ¨ §¥ Ă ÂŁs back but never made it to ÂĄ ÂŁe second arena: no wonder ÂŤ it's ÂŚĂ‚Ă‚¢ ÂĄ  ¥ ÂŚ n away at ÂŁe very top o ÂŁ s ÂŁ  ŒĂƒ massive venue ÂŤ up e or six dodgy ¨ §¢ Š ÂĄ back stairwells. To be ÂŁ ÂŤ in ÂĄ  ¥ comparison to ÂŁe vastness o ÂŁe ÂĄ ÂŚ Palace ÂŤ ÂŁ s second arena is pisÂŚÂ ÂĄ stakingly small. Ă„ y people nearly Ă…Ă†Ă‡Ă‡Ăˆ ÂĄ ¤ d it ÂŤ but ÂŁ t said it was still ÂĄ ¢¼ ÂĄ rocking in ÂŁ e and ÂŁe DJ ÂŤ ¸ ÂŁo ever it was ÂŤ was rolling. ÂĄ

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For ÂŁ e ÂĄ o you ¸ ÂŁo É e never been to ÂŁe Camden Palace ÂŤ ÂĄ ¢¤¥ ÂĽ ¢ ¨ ÂĽ it was a ÂŁ e ĂŒ e being con verted into one o London leading  venues wit ÂŁ a capacity o at least Ă?Ă? Âź Ă?ÂŤĂŽ . ÂŁe set §up¢ is a stage/DJ box º¨¨ Ă‚¤ ½ wit ÂŁ a large r splayed out  ¼¨ §  ¥ ¢  in t o it ÂŤ ÂŁ n about six rows o

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balconies o varying widt ÂŁ going up ÂĄ to ÂŁe ceiling. ÂĄ We took up position on ÂŁe  ¼¨ Ă’Ă“ m top balcony ÂŤ Ă? Ă‘ e second ÂĄ ¼¢¤¥ ¥¤ Ă”Τ we could see ÂŁe ĂŒ g view ÂŁ Ă• ÂĄ ¨ Š ¤ §Ă‚  ¤ Ăƒ Τ o ÂŁ ° s o people ÂŁ gºŒ it ÂŤ ÂĄ ÂĄ ÂŞ ÂŁe DJ mixing and ÂŁe stunning ÂŁt display - most impressive. Last ¢ ¼¢ time I was ÂŁ ÂŤ I was knocked out ÂĄ ºŒª ÂĄ ¢ ĂŠĂ‹ e by ÂŁe ÂŁt display ÂŤ and ÂŁ y É ÂĄ ¢ done it up again since ÂŁ n - wit ÂŁ ÂĄ ÂĄ ÂŁe centre piece being ÂŁe most ¨ ¢ ÂĽÂ Ă– ¸ ° l laser I've seen ÂŤ and I've seen plenty. Everyone I spoke to ¨ Š ÂŚÂĄ ¨ mentioned ÂŁ w ÂŁ Âť ÂŁ t it was - it really needs to be seen to be believed. ÂĄ

§Œª

DJs on £e £t were JJ Frost  Rap  Zinc  Grooverider  Andy C  Kenny Ken  ¸ £o played a wicked ¥ ¤ ¥ Š set £ t ¯ ° t rolled along  and £e ¼¤¥ ¤Š¥¢ Š r Hype  ¸ £o got ½ ½ £à Š ¥ ¼¤ Œª down to business and £t ¥ ¥ totally blew up £e place - £e ultimate entertainer. It was a little ¤ ¼Š ¥ £ £ putting £e up and coming ¼Œª ¤ ¥¢ r newcomer DJ Scope on £t

ÂĄ

Τ

Hype ÂŤ and making suc ÂŁ a big ÂŁ g ÂŚ ÂŚ about ÂŁ m being a new DJ ÂŤ ¸ ÂŁ ½ ÂŁ ÂĄ ĂŠĂ‹ could É e only made ÂŁe geezer ÂĄ ¤ ¨ more nervous ÂŁ n ever ÂŤ and ÂŁ w  ¨ ºº¨ ÂŤ do you w Hype? Well not  ¼¨ ¢¤ ÂĽ Ă™ badly really m Ă— Ă˜ t 1 ÂŁ d and Τ considering records were ÂŻ ° Ă Ă– g ÂĄ ¤ ¥¢ ¤ all over ÂŁe place r Hype ÂŁ d  Ă”¢ ÂĄ ¤ ¥¢ °½ d ÂĄÂŁe needles r going crazy on ÂŁe decks ÂŤ ÂŁe sounded as good as anyone to me. §Œª ÂŁt wit ÂŁ a Overall a excellent ¤¥ ¢¼ ¨Š e not always assogreat Ă Ă–ÂŁ §Œª ÂĄ ciated wit ÂŁ Drum and Bass ÂŁ sÂĄ ¢ ÂŽ especially ÂŹ ­ n ÂŁ y stopped serv¤º ¨ ¨ ¢ ¨ ÂĽ ½ ÂŁ l ĂŒ ing e we even got ÂĄ ¢¼ ¨ ¨¼ ÂŁ e (Sunday license). Ăš ÂŁ ½ k ÂŁ  ¤ ÂŚ  ror Ă› even a r number o ladies in ÂĄ  ¨ r ÂŁe place. Be sure to look out ÂĄ some more dates in ÂŁe not too  ¥ ¼¢ distant ° ° . Jo

Public

CLUBSCENE - FEATURED A L B U M & CLUB REVIEW

Emotif presents - THE METHOD ÂĄ

B

b i l l l

I

ÂŤ

m m m m a m

Blim T-Power

B

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Â

e starting a review o an album Ăœ I generally listen to it ÂĄ ÂĄ ¤ Ă? ĂžĂ&#x;Ă&#x; Ă ĂĄ g down ÂŁe tracks ÂŁ t  ¨ ÂŤ good or stand out ÂĄ r ÂŚsome reason  ¨ §  bad. Wit â ÂŁ s one ÂŤ I ° d mysel ¤ ¥¢ ¤ §¨ ÂĄ putting down one track r £  ¨ ÂĄ Š ºŒª ÂĄ Âş er. I it wasn't r ÂŁe ÂŁ y more ÂĄ experimental numbers toward ÂŁe ÂĄ ¢ ĂŠĂ‹ end ĂŁ ÂŁ y would É e all been put down as outstanding tracks. It's OK ÂŤ I'm not going to try and explain eac ÂŁ one in detail ÂŤ instead I'll tell  you about a couple o my  ¤Ăƒ¨ ¼Œ¥¢ ÂĄ ¤ ° s and some ÂŁ t are so  ¥ ÂŁe nearly great tracks out o Š twelve ÂŤ but ÂŻ ° t miss. Click and ÂĄCycle -   Trippin' (Tonic Œ§ª  Œ§  ¤ Š ¨ ÂŁremix) starts ÂŁ s in e ¤¼ Ă‚¢ Œ§Œ¥¢ Âş ion: dark ÂŤ ÂŁ d and y tripÂĄ ¨Š ¤ §¥ Τ ping on ÂŁ e ÂŁ ° g key tones ÂŤ ¢  ¢ ÂĄ Š killer beats ÂŤ breaks and ½ . Next ä L Double and Acetate bring in ÂĄ ÂŁe ĂĽ Ìç z lick wit ÂŁ Style Wars: droning bassline runs alongside ĂĽ Ìç z ¢ ÂĄ Τ ÂĄ ¢ Š¨ trumpet or g similar ÂŁ n Ă ÂŁ ¤ ¥¢ ÂĄ  Œ¼Š ÂĄ ÂŚ r ÂŁe t breakdown ÂŁ s is dispensed wit ÂŁ and a drum pattern

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HELTA SKELTA @ The Sanctuary ĂŞĂŤĂŹ

not all ÂŁ t dissimilar to èÊ ĂŠĂ­  takes over: wicked track. Dylan o ¤ Droppin' Science Duo ÂŁ s pro¤ §¨ ÂĄ ¢ ¤ ÂĽĂ‚ duced ÂŁ r tearing track ÂŤ ÂŁ ÂŤ  Œ¢ ÂĽ even ½ e and dark: loads going on: awesome. T-Power brings in a  more experimental style o ÂĄ track as ¨ does Basic Unit ÂŤ music r ÂŁe mind Š ÂĄ not ÂŻ ° t ÂŁe body.  Next up  Elements O Noise . Âź ÂŚ ¨ ÂŁ s starts wit ÂŁ a similar experiÂĄ ¢ ¤ º ¤ ÂĄ ¼¨ ÂŞ mental ĂŽĂŻĂŻĂ° Ăą ÂŁ n ÂŁ ¸ y ÂŁ ° ÂŁ it ÂĄ ¼¤ §Š  ¨ ÂĽ Τ drops big time ÂŤ g into a à  º¨¨ more dance r number: clever ÂĄ   Š ° .  ò óô þÜáø Ăľ ÚúŽ Ýß I ­ t got any o ÂĄ ¢Š ÂĄ ¢ e on vinyl ÂŤ ÂŁ y all sound ýÞÿ ÂŁ ÂĄ ¢ ÂĄ iar due to ÂŁ m being played in ÂŁe  ¥ ¿À ĂŠĂ‹ clubs. Most o ÂŁe tracks ž e É e ÂŤ yet all are interpreted a dark edge Ă‚ Œ  ¢ ¼¢ § in t ways ÂŤ in general ÂŤ it's ÂĄ ¢Š ¨ amazing ÂŁ w ÂŁ e people manage  ¢¢ ºŒ§ to get suc ÂŁ g and emotion out Ă•  o a bunc ÂŁ o transistors and processors.  ¼¨ §  So ÂŤ an ° Ă– t account o  Ă’Ă“ Ă?Ă‘ e Drum and Bass is today ÂŤ i ÂĄ Âś ²³´¾ y distorted towards ÂŁe dark ÂĄ ¤ ÂĄ ÂŚ side. ÂŁ ÂŤ did I mention ÂŁ t ÂŁ s ¢ ÂŚÂĄ ¢ comes on ÂŁ r an un-mixed or  ¨ mixed CD: nice r us to be given ÂĄ  ¨ ¤ §ª ¢ Âź ¨Œ ÂŁe ½ ÂŁ ½e r a ½£ . ÂŁe mix is  ¢ ÂŚÂĄ taken care o by Ray £ bringing ÂĄ ÂŁe sound o Movement ¼Š Ă‚¤ Âź s at Bar Rumba) to your £° living room. Jo

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(saving you ÂŁ25) ÂŤ g I you're around ÂŁe Stoke-OnÂĄ ÂĄ g £e extensiveÂĄ ¢queues ÂŤ Trent area on ÂŁe 17t ÂŁ July look ÂĄ ¤ §Ă” ¼Œ§  ¥ ¢ ÂŚ  Œ¼ §Œ ¨ ¨ ÂŁ s r not ¢even ĂŒ ÂŁ g to out ¨r ÂŁ r Št ever club ÂŞ ÂŁt at ÂĄ write down a w words about it. ÂŁe Void Club. ¨   You know ¸ ÂŁo you are - I'll break Most promoters start by §Œª ÂĄ ÂĄ ¢ your legs later. doing club ÂŁ s ÂŁ n ÂŞ go on to do £° e wareNevermind  I've ¨ Š ÂŁ ° e been to plenty o ¢ Helta style parties. Âź ¢ ¨¼ Skelta events ĂŒ Not Helta Skelta. ÂŁ y e ÂĄ ¼¢ ¢ ÂĄ ¨¥ ¢ r to do it ÂŁe ÂŁ r now at ÂŁe Sanctuary ÂŤ Ă– ÂĄ Τ way - do you ÂŁ k Milton Keynes and I can ÂĄ ¢ ÂĽ Ă™ tell you Ă— Ă˜ t to expect: ÂŁ e Iris or some two massive arenas g ?  ¨ wit ÂŁ a capacity r Ă?Ă? 0 party people ÂŤ ĂŽÂŤ Photos courtesy of ¢º  y and ÂŁ Ă– ° l Gary Clarke.  Ă” ¨    security ÂŤ °½ sound ºŒª ÂĄ Τ ÂĄ and ¤£¼Ă‚ gÂĽrigs and ÂŁe ¨ best ÂŁ ½ e and drum ÂĄ and bass DJs. Well ÂŤ ÂŁe It's how Big?

FILM

42

24 June 1998

REVIEWS

GREASE Starring: John Travolta, O l i v i a N e w t o n - J o h n , , S t o c k a r d C h a n n i n g Director: R a n d a l Kleiser

I

TV s h o w c o m i n g t o Rydall H i g h . B u t t o b e h o n e s t , n o n e o f that really matters, if y o u w a n t a n intricate, *+ Usual clever story, rent o u t ) Suspects. G r e a s e is n o t a b o u t t h e story, it's a b o u t 'avin' a larf.

t h o u g h t I'd s e e n C r e a s e . I've certainly s e e n Crease 2 and Saturday

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m o s t o f the s o n g s a n d t h e i m a g e o f O l i v i a N e w t o n J o h n i n tight leather trousers h a s b e e n w i t h m e since pre-puberty. But the minute the c h e e s y c a r t o o n intro b e g a n , I s u d d e n l y r e a l i s e d . I have never a c t u a l ly s e e n Crease - the greatest d i s c o flick ever m a d e . The truth is, that's n o t s u c h a bad t h i n g . A l l I ever n e e d e d t o k n o w a b o u t Crease I knew well before I c a m e t o the cinema. There's n o H i t c h c o c k - l i k e s u s p e n s e , n o intricate s u b - p l o t s like a Ridley S c o t t film a n d n o t r a d e m a r k Tarantino v i o l e n c e , it's just a m u s i cal like a n y o t h e r : a series o f s e t pieces, very loosely tied to a c h e e s y story that y o u ' v e s e e n far t o o m a n y t i m e s alteady, thank y o u very m u c h . If y o u really w a n t care, t h e n it g o e s s o m e t h i n g like this: T r a v o l ta is the 'coolest' o f t h e T Birds, a highschool g a n g w h o hang out with the Pink L a d i e s . H e m e t N e w t o n - J o h n

Y o u m a y have h e a r d a b o u t t h e -. /012345 cult f o l l o w i n g o f , People just w a t c h t o take t h e p i s s o u t o f it. Crease is all that a n d s o m u c h universal "So m o r e - it has a c h e e s y , it's great" a p p e a l . W h e n it c a m e t o c l a s s i c s like " G r e a s e d Lightning", e v e r y o n e d i d t h e c l a p p y bit. Y o u k n o w , T H A T bit. A n d w h o c o u l d forget t h e h o t - d o g c a r t o o n in t h e b a c k g r o u n d d u r i n g " S t r a n d e d at the Drive-in"?

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John Travolta - style on a stick during the summer holiday a n d n o w she's m o v e d t o his s c h o o l . H o w e v e r , s h e doesn't fit in w i t h t h e

'cool' s c e n e . M e a n w h i l e , rival g a n g the S c o r p i o n s w a n t t o race t h e T Birds, a n d there's a N a t i o n a l D a n c e

It"s n o t quite a s g r o o v y as it probably w a s twenty years a g o (before s o m e o f u s w e r e e v e n born) a n d at t i m e s you'll p r o b a b l y feel really s h e e p i s h w h i l e w a t c h i n g it. If y o u k n o w the s o n g s a n d take a f e w l i k e - m i n d e d m a t e s , t h e n just g o a l o n g a n d have a laugh. After all, y o u ' v e o n l y g o t y o u r credibility t o l o s e . 1*1 Andy

RED CORNER Starring: R i c h a r d G e r e , Bai L i n g Director: jon A v n e t

I

m a g i n e w a k i n g u p in Bejing next t o the c o r p s e o f an exotic b e a u ty w i t h w h o m y o u s p e n t a n entirely p l e a s a n t e v e n i n g just a f e w h o u r s earlier. T h e n y o u are n o t s o g e n t l y r e m o v e d by a significant p o r t i o n o f t h e local p o l i c e f o r c e t o a place o f d e t e n t i o n w h e r e , h a v i n g only a w h i s k e y c l o u d e d r e c o l l e c t i o n of t h e p r e v i o u s night's events a n d a few w o r d s of Chinese, y o u c a n d o n o t h i n g e x c e p t pray for t h e m e r c y of a judicial s y s t e m n o t k n o w n for it's l e n i e n c y . B y n o w y o u ' r e p r o b a bly pretty c o n f u s e d a n d altogether terrified, w h i l e t h e n e w s that t h o s e guilty o f a c a p i t a l o f f e n c e are g e n Richard Gere's award winning "confused" look. erally s h o t w i t h i n a w e e k o f s e n t e n c i n g is unlikely t o help lift y o u r a p p o i n t e d d e f e n c e lawyer Bai Ling b a c k g r o u n d o f t h e lawyer a n d t h e spirits. w h o k n o w s that a c o n f e s s i o n will a c c u s e d is c r o w b a r r e d into their Jack M o o r e , t h o u g h , is m a d e o f bring a lighter s e n t e n c e , j a c k insists c o n v e r s a t i o n s in t h e f o r m o f largely irrelevant e x c h a n g e s o n t h e subject sterner stuff. P l a y e d by R i c h a r d on a n i n n o c e n t p l e a , e v e n t h r e a t e n G e r e , h e is in Bejing t o c l o s e a ing t o d e f e n d himself if s h e will n o t of t h e m u r d e r rate in A m e r i c a a n d c a p i t u l a t e . T h e s c e n e is s e t for a n the like. W h a t is m o r e , t h e c o n s p i r hugely lucrative satellite t e l e v i s i o n d e a l , t h e first t o b e s a n c t i o n e d by e x t r e m e l y c o n v e n t i o n a l c o u r t r o o m a c y w h i c h is s o m e t i m e s e n o u g h t o h o l d one's a t t e n t i o n in a film o f this b a s e d tale o f c o n s p i r a c y , albeit o n e the C h i n e s e g o v e r n m e n t . T h e fact in w h i c h t h e cultural d i f f e r e n c e s o f sort is pathetically p o o r l y h i d d e n . that this m a k e s h i m a p r i m e target for a s e t - u p is n o t lost o n G e r e , s o t h e l e a d i n g characters c o u l d a d d a W h e n w e find o u t w h o is r e s p o n s i little interest. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , they ble f o r Gere's m i s f o r t u n e , it c o m e s w h e n h e is a r r e s t e d h e rather r a p i d as n o surprise at all. P r e s u m a b l y , ly r e s o l v e s t o c l e a r h i s n a m e . d o n ' t . A gainst t h e w i s h e s o f his c o u r t The issue o f t h e c o n t r a s t i n g the n o v e l s e t t i n g is s u p p o s e d t o

e x c u s e this, but it really doesn't c o m e close. Gere's c o c k y reaction t o his p r e d i c a m e n t is i r k s o m e in itself, but the i m p r e s s i o n that it is b o r n o f the righteous indignation which any A m e r i c a n w o u l d feel m a k e s it e v e n h a r d e r t o s w a l l o w . Rather t h a n serve a s a n a s p e c t o f his n i gh tm a r ish s i t u a t i o n , d i s t u r b i n g f o o t a g e o f an e x e c u t i o n s e e m s t o b e i n c l u d e d m a i n l y t o highlight t h e swift s e v e r i ty o f t h e C h i n e s e legal s y s t e m . A f t e r a l l , it's far m o r e h u m a n e t o k e e p p r i s o n e r s o n d e a t h r o w for y e a r s w h i l e their lives h a n g in t h e balance, isn't it? A l l this t u r n s w h a t c o u l d have b e e n a n affec ting p e r s o n a l story w i t h s o m e p o l i t i c a l significance into a d e e p l y a w f u l film w i t h a bit o f crass soap boxing thrown i n . Richard Gere has been outspoken in t h e past o n t h e h u m a n rights record of the Chinese government, particularly their b e h a v i o u r in Tibet, and here h e finds himself in a p o s i t i o n t o m a k e a d i f f e r e n c e . Sadly, however, Red Corner does no o n e any favours. [ | Simon

43

FILM

24 June 1998

•

REVIEWS A N D COMPETITIONS

STAR PROFILE:

PRIMARY COLOURS

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Starring: ) o h n Travolta, E m m a T h o m p s o n

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Director: M i k e Nichols

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o h n Travolta, o v e r w e i g h t a n d greying, is g o v e r n o r Jack Stanton, a doughnut c h o m p i n g , womanising, quick-tempered politician w i t h skeletons c l i m b i n g o u t o f every c l o s e t , i n c l u d i n g a tampered police record a n d w o m e n a c c u s i n g h i m of adultery. His wife, Susan, (a p e r f e c t l y a c c e n t e d E m m a T h o m p s o n ) is a n o - n o n s e n s e lawyer d e t e r m i n e d t o m a k e h i m p r e s i d e n t w h o refuses t o believe t h e s c a n d a l s . If this d e s c r i p t i o n m a k e s y o u think o f Bill a n d Hilary C l i n t o n , t h e n y o u w o u l d n ' t b e t o o far f r o m t h e mark. B a s e d o n t h e n o v e l o f t h e s a m e n a m e , Primary Colours is a "completely fictitious" account o f the p r e s i d e n t i a l c a m p a i g n of a g o v ernor o f a n u n n a m e d s o u t h e r n state, a n d t h e allegations that c o n s tantly h a m p e r h i s a t t e m p t t o b e c o m e president.

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o h n Travolta r e p r e s e n t s that rarest o f all H o l l y w o o d resid e n t s - t h e star w h o s u c c e s s fully m a k e s a c o m e b a c k - a n d for that a l o n e h e d e s e r v e s e n d u r i n g recognition. H a v i n g f o u n d f a m e in t h e seventies, c a p t u r i n g t h e feel o f a g e n eration in d i s c o classics Saturday KLMN J

No, of course they're not Bill and Hilary. Oh no. film u n f o l d s a r o u n d h i m a n d his d i s c o v e r y o f t h e real w o r l d o f p o l i tics, a s w e s e e t h e w a y a g o v e r n o r runs for office a n d t h e p e o p l e w h o are part o f t h e frenzy.

A d r i a n Lester, a y o u n g British actor, d o e s a fine j o b o f p l a y i n g t h e film's p i v o t i n g character, s t a n d i n g up a d m i r a b l y t o t h e t w o excellent W e w i t n e s s t h e story t h r o u g h leads, a n d t h e s u p p o r t i n g cast are the e y e s o f their n e w c a m p a i g n all o n t o p f o r m , f r o m Billy B o b manager, H e n r y B u r t o n , a n idealistic y o u n g black m a n , d e s p e r a t e t o T h o r n t o n ' s t r o u b l e s o m e p o l i t i c a l find s o m e t h i n g t o believe i n . T h e strategist t o Kathy Bates' fiercely

loyal c a m p a i g n t r o u b l e - s h o o t e r . Mike Nichols directs with aplomb, not distracting a strong story w i t h t o o m a n y s h o w y c i n e m a t i c flourishes. W i t h a n overly l o n g a n d a d r a g g i n g last a c t , it is h a r d t o s e e w h a t a p p e a l s u c h a film w o u l d have in this c o u n t r y , but Primary

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First u p is 6 9 ? @ My starring Jennifer A n i s t o n as a pregnant m o t h e r falling in love w i t h h e r g a y flatmate (see s u m m e r p r e v i e w for m o r e info).

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rifyingly s i m p l e p o s e r : Jennifer A n i s t o n s t a r r e d a l o n g s i d e Kevin B a c o n in w h i c h 1 9 9 7 romantic comedy? The s e c o n d c o m p e t i t i o n offers five pairs o f tickets

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chise is n o w w o r t h $ 2 0 m i l l i o n a p i c t u r e . Thus, he c a n c o m m a n d lead roles in b i g s t u d i o p r o d u c t i o n s s u c h a s this m o n t h ' s Primary Colours a n d recent hits s u c h as Mad

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This m a y all s o u n d a far c r y f r o m Travolta's c i n e m a t i c roots, if y o u w a t c h

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Fever again, t h e e a s e w i t h w h i c h he slips into t h e gritty, s w e a r i n g , violent p e r s o n a of T o n y s h o w s t h e first signs o f his future career. A n d of c o u r s e , his first m a i n s t r e a m movie was Carrie....

H a r r i s o n F o r d a c t i o n c o m e d y Six cRdS T

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m o s t bankable star is a pilot w h o crash lands o n a desert island w i t h o n l y A n n e H e c h e for c o m p a n y . Unsurprisingly, r o m a n t i c entanglements ensue. T o w i n tickets, s i m p l y tell u s : In w h a t s e m i n a l V i e t n a m s t o r y does Harrison Ford appear in a s u p p o r t i n g role?

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Yet t h e real Travolta is a far c r y f o r m t h e hell-raisers h e t e n d s t o portray o n s c r e e n . T h e f o r t y - t w o year o l d star is m a r r i e d t o a c t r e s s Kelly P r e s t o n , h a s a four year o l d d a u g h t e r n a m e d Jet, a n d is a l e a d ing p r o p o n e n t of t h e " C h u r c h o f Scientology".

KENSINGTON ith a m o u n t a i n o f s u m m e r blockbus ter s o n t h e horizon, those lovely p e o p l e at t h e O d e o n K e n s i n g t o n give y o u t h e c h a n c e t o w i n tickets t o n o t o n e but t w o b i g films.

and

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d i s a p p e a r e d d u r i n g t h e eighties, only t o return t o A-list status thanks t o Pulp Fiction. Alongside c o - s t a r s S a m u e l L Jackson U m a Thurman a n d Ving Rhames, he shot t o nineties s u c c e s s c o u r t e s y of Tarantino's m a s t e r p i e c e .

All entries m u s t be in by m i d d a y T hursday, s o that w i n n e r s c a n c o l lect their p r i z e s b e f o r e t h e e n d o f t e r m . T h e a n s w e r t o t h e last c o m p e t i t i o n w a s Hook (with t h e stars being Robin Williams, Dustin H o f f m a n , Julia Roberts a n d B o b H o s k i n s respectively). A l l w i n n e r s have b e e n n o t i f i e d by e m a i l .

Primary C o l o r s (1998) M a d City (1997) Face/Off (1997) Michael (1996 P h e n o m e n o n (1996) B r o k e n A r r o w (1996) W h i t e M a n ' s B u r d e n (1995) Get Shorty (1995) Pulp Fiction (1994) L o o k W h o ' s Talking N o w (1993) Eyes o f a n A n g e l (1991) L o o k W h o ' s Talking T o o (1990) L o o k W h o ' s Talking ( 1 9 8 9 ) S t a y i n g Alive (1983) T w o o f a K i n d (1983) B l o w O u t (1981) U r b a n C o w b o y (1980) G r e a s e (1978) Saturday N i g h t Fever (1977) Carrie (1976)

44

FILM

24 June

998

THE BIG S U M M E R PREVIEW

GODZILLA Stars: M a t t h e w Broderick, Reno, Hank Azaria Director: Roland Emmerich W h e n : July 17

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s w e l l as b l o c k b u s t e r biggies G o d z i l l a a n d L o s t In S p a c e and a heavy dose of s c h m a l t z f r o m Six D a y s , S e v e n N i g h t s a n d City of A n g e l s , July also s e e s the release o f . . . . D r . D o l i t t l e , s t a r r i n g E d d i e M u r p h y as the e p o n y m o u s a n i m a l talking s c i e n tist. Think B a b e m e e t s N u t t y p r o fessor, a n d y o u ' r e p r o b a b l y h e a d ing in t h e right d i r e c t i o n . Its a r e m a k e of the 1968 Rex H a r r i s o n m u s i c a l in the l o o s e s t s e n s e of the w o r d .... O n the subject of m u s i c a l a d a p t a t i o n s , Les M i s e r a b l e s finally gets a proper big screen outing. It's a d i r e c t a d a p t a t i o n of the Victor H u g o novel though, so don't r e s p e c t stars L i a m N e e s o n , U m a Thurman a n d Geoffrey Rush to break into s o n g every five m i n u t e s .... The r e g u l a t i o n L o w B u d g e t British Entry™ c o m e s in the f o r m of M e t r o l a n d , an a d a p t a t i o n of the Julian B a r n e s n o v e l . C h r i s t i a n Bale stars as the 6 0 ' s t w e n t y s o m e t h i n g e s c a p i n g his m a r r i e d life by fleeing t o France .... L o o k i n g t o relieve those halcyon teenage days? Then c a t c h L o ve a n d D e a t h o n L o n g Island, a n d r e m e m b e r just h o w m u c h y o u h a t e d that s m u g git Jason Priestly .... For the horror fans o u t there, this y e a r s major H o l l y w o o d o f f e r i n g c o m e s in the f o r m o f M i m i c . M i r a S o r v i n o is the y o u n g scientist w h o c r e a t e s a cure for a killer d i s e a s e , but in the p r o c e s s c r e a t e s giant killer bugs, lurking in the N e w Y o r k s e w e r s . The twist is that the bugs c a n alter their f o r m t o b e c o m e that of their i ef gh pray. Invasion jklmnopq rlstuo style events e n s u e .... C h u b b y G o e s D o w n U n d e r is a n o t h e r o u t i n g for Roy C h u b b y B r o w n . W a t c h it a n d w e kill y o u . . . A T h o u s a n d A c r e s is billed as " K i n g Lear in the Praries". B i z z a r e as that m a y s o u n d , it's attracte d a t o p n o t c h cast, i n c l u d i n g Jessica Lange, Michelle Pfieffer and Jennifer Jason Leigh .... Re-release g e m s this m o n t h i n c l u d e H i t c h o c k classic P s y c h o , giving y o u the c h a n c e t o w a t c h a lovely n e w print of the a d v e n t u r e s of N o r m a n Bates a n d his m u m .... G r e a s e also g e t s the re-release t r e a t m e n t . A p r i m e o p p o r t u n i t y t o terminally e m b a r rass y o u r s e l f by strutting y o u r funky stuff. Just w a t c h Travolta g o !

jean

R

oland Emmerich and Dean D e v l i n , the p r o d u c e r - d i r e c tor c o m b i n a t i o n r e s p o n s i b l e for I n d e p e n d e n c e D a y , return w i t h a n o t h e r sure-fire b o x - o f f i c e s m a s h , a l m o s t s i n k i n g u n d e r the w e i g h t of its o w n effects. H o w e v e r , this t i m e they have c h o s e n t o g o w i t h o u t any o f the usual A-list a c t o r s , o p t i n g for a c o m b i n a t i o n of e i g h t i e s hero Broderick

wxyzx{|} ~ v ff

Bueller's Day m a n Jean R e n o

Ferris

a n d Gallic h a r d Mission

Impossible).

There will also be d i s a p p o i n t m e n t for fans of the original Japanese man-in-a-rubber-suit s p e c t a c u l a r , as E m m e r i c h readily a d m i t s t o d i t c h i n g the entire feel a n d p l o t o f the original, in favour of a m o r e nineties friendly storyline. H e d e s c r i b e s the m o v i e as "The fight b e t w e e n nature a n d t e c h n o l o gy....it's m u c h more about people t h a n the original m o v i e s " . S o , n o t h -

ing like Jurassic park t h e n . O h n o .

aliens.

in e s s e n c e , t h e s t o r y l i n e is h i d e o u s l y s i m p l e . Large m o n s t e r a p p e a r s a n d starts t o t r a m p l e its w a y t h r o u g h N e w York, d e s t r o y i n g e v e r y t h i n g in its p a t h . O n l y a c o m b i n a t i o n of gritty U S M i l i t a r y t y p e s a n d brilliant y o u n g scientists c a n save the d a y . . . . B a s i c a l l y , E m m e r i c h a n d Devlin re-tread only w i t h o n e big m o n s t e r r e p l a c i n g lots of

W i t h o u t d o u b t , this will be the biggest film of the s u m m e r , s e t t i n g u m p t e e n n e w b o x office r e c o r d s in the p r o c e s s . But be w a r n e d - in the states it has (unsurprisingly) t a k e n a critical d r u b b i n g , a n d after just t w o w e e k s has started t o slip d o w n the t o p t e n , o v e r t a k e n by p o p u l a r favourites City ef Angels a n d 77ie Truman

CITY O F A N G E L S Stars: M e g Ryan, N i c o l a s D e n n i s Franz D i r e c t o r : B r a d Silberling W h e n : July 10

Cage,

T

his s u m m e r ' s M e g Ryan film p r o m i s e s all the usual i n g r e d i ents - s w e e t , s o p p y r o m a n c e , characters forced to put love before life (or, in this c a s e , i m m o r tality), a n d a heavy kleenex q u o tient. N i c h o l a s C a g e is o n e of the heavenly h o s t that o c c u p i e s L o s A n g e l e s , u n s e e n by the millions of n o n - b e l i e v e r s w h o live a n d w o r k in the city. They congregate o n Malibu beach or p e r c h atop churches a n d skyscrapers, watching over a n d p r o t e c t i n g the citiz e n s . A n d all the t i m e , the p o p u lace r e m a i n u n a w a r e of their p r e s e n c e , unable t o see C a g e a n d his f e l l o w spirits unless they "will y o u " to see t h e m . O n e day Cage encounters u n h a p p y heart s u r g e o n M e g Ryan, a n d , instantly s m i t t e n , wills her t o s e e h i m . She realises that he is s o m e h o w different, but (quite s e n -

sibly) c a n ' t a c c e p t his c l a i m s t o be a d i s c i p l e of G o d . Yet h o w c a n she e x p l a i n her inability t o f e e l his touch.... Unremarkable schmaltz this m a y s o u n d , but w i t h w e e p i e - q u e e n Ryan a n d the always likeable C a g e (trying t o e s c a p e his action-junkie persona) in the starring roles, City k Angels s h o u l d have t h o s e o f a more romantic disposition bawling their e y e s o u t - particularly w h e n

C a g e is f o r c e d t o c h o o s e b e t w e e n i m m o r t a l i t y a n d the w o m a n he loves For t h o s e w h o prefer a little m o r e s u b s t a n c e t o their m o v i e s , a m i n i m a l level of effects, a m u s i n g c a m e o s f r o m NYPD Blue's Dennis Franz and Homicide's Andre Braugher a n d a script a d a p t e d f r o m W i m W e n d e r s W i n g s of Desire, s h o u l d c o m b i n e t o p r o d u c e the hot favourite for c h i c k - f l i c k of the year.

24 June 1998

FILM

THE BIG S U M M E R PREVIEW

THE AVENGERS Stars: Ralph Fiennes, Thurman, Sean Connery Director: Jeremiah C h e c h i k When: August

Lima

A

I

n a s u m m e r o f cult TV reincar nations, Avengers promises t o be the o n l y o n e true t o its roots. The trailers a n d p r e - p u b l i c i t y p r o m i s e the original b l e n d of kitsch fashions, kung-fu and utterly implausible p l o t - l i n e s , all d e l i v e r e d in a t h o r o u g h l y V i c t o r i a n style stiff-upper lips are definitely the order o f t h e d a y . Ralph Fiennes and Uma T h u r m a n star as aristocratic c r i m e fighters John S t e e d a n d E m m a Peel (the roles originally m a d e f a m o u s by Patrick M c N e e a n d D i a n a Rigg), c o m p l e t e w i t h lethal u m b r e l l a a n d leather catsuit respectively. They m u s t save the w o r l d f r o m the d i a b o l i c a l Sir A u g u s t d e W y n t e r , p l a y e d by S e a n C o n n e r y w h o clearly relishes the c h a n c e t o h a m - i t - u p magnificently as a kilted m a d m a n . De W y n t e r has stolen T h e P r o s p e r o Project', a d e v i c e w i t h w h i c h he c a n c o n t r o l the w o r l d ' s

w e a t h e r , a n d c o n s e q u e n t l y threatens t o h o l d the w o r l d t o r a n s o m . S t e e d a n d P e e l are the o n l y f o r c e c a p a b l e of s t o p p i n g h i m , a n d t o d o s o they m u s t face various other foes including: knife-wielding nannies, 6 - f o o t t e d d y b e a r - s u i t e d n i n jas, a n d a r o b o t i c d o u b l e o f Peel w h o is d e t e r m i n e d t o d e s t r o y the agents. M o v e over J a m e s B o n d . . . .

Probably the m o s t stylish a n d i n d i v i d u a l of t h e s u m m e r ' s b i g releases, this has the p o t e n t i a l t o either b e c o m e a m a s s p h e n o m e n o n , or die in s h a m e . Fortunately, the m a k e r s have for o n c e a c c e p t e d that the kitsch styles a n d overt Englishness w e r e w h a t m a d e the original great, a n d b a s e d the film around them.

X-FILES : THE MOVIE Stars: D a v i d Anderson

Duchovny,

Gillian

Director: R o b B o w m a n W h e n : A u g u s t 21

W

ith t h e p l o t a t i g h t l y guarded secret the script has b e e n p r i n t e d on r e d p a p e r s o that it c a n ' t be p h o t o c o p i e d a n d the set is c o n stantly s u r r o u n d e d by rabid s e c u r i ty g u a r d s - it's very difficult t o rate t h e first b i g - s c r e e n o u t i n g for M u l d e r a n d Scully. H o w e v e r , r u m o u r s u g g e s t s that the p l o t will be p i t c h e d as b o t h a s t a n d a l o n e e p i s o d e a n d an e n d t o series five (currently airing o n satellite). L i k e l y p l o t lines i n c l u d e M u l d e r ' s sister, his parents, little green m e n a n d , of course, governm e n t c o n s p i r a c y . Basically, it l o o k s like it's d e s i g n e d as a e x t e n d e d e p i s o d e o f the hit series, w i t h an effects b u d g e t o n l y slightly a b o v e usual (the entire m o v i e has a b u d g e t of £30 m i l l i o n - e c o n o m i c by Ho llywo od standards). Series regular R o b B o w m a n is in the d i r e c t o r s chair, s o the usual

t e n s e feel a n d fast p a c e c a n be e x p e c t e d , a n d of c o u r s e D a v i d D u c h o v n y a n d Gillian A n d e r s o n are on hand t o dish out the usual w i n n i n g bran d of unshakeable belief and s c e p t i c i s m , t o p p e d off w i t h that all i m p o r t a n t sexual t e n s i o n . Indeed, there have even been r u m o u r s s n e a k i n g off the set o f a r o m a n t i c l i a i s o n b e t w e e n the stars. In the w o r d s of series creator (and co-writer) Chris Carter " W e t h o u g h t w e h a d t o m a k e it bigger,

but w e really d i d n ' t w a n t t o m a k e this a $100 million m o v i e . W e ' r e striving t o d o w h a t w e ' v e d o n e s o w e l l o n the series, w h i c h is t o s c a r e y o u by o n l y s h o w i n g little b i t s " . W h i c h all s u g g e s t s the u s u a l healthy m i x of a c t i o n , aliens a n d extroadinarily c o n v o l u t e d p l o t that w e ' v e all c o m e t o k n o w a n d love. And whatever happens, however, the m a s s i v e cult f o l l o w i n g b e h i n d the series virtually g u a r a n t e e s g o o d b o x office returns.

ugust will u n d o u b t e d l y be dominated by A v e n g e r s , w i t h x Files: The Movie in a s u p p o r t i n g r o l e . H o w e v e r , w i t h the football over there are l o a d s of o t h e r releases w a i t i n g in the w i n g s , i n c l u d i n g .... B r u c e Willis starrer M e r c u r y R i s i n g . The D i e H a r d - s t e r is a lone FBI agent, t r y i n g t o p r o t e c t a n autistic kid w h o m a n a g e s t o hack into the P e n t a g o n ' s m o s t secretive c o d e . It's all l o o s e l y b a s e d o n R y n e Pearson's novel Simple Simon, and c o - s t a r s A l e c B a l d w i n as the evil g o v e r n m e n t agent o n their trail .... L a n d Girls is this s u m m e r s b i g Brit C o m o f f e r i n g . A n n a Friel (late of B r o o k s i d e ) stars as o n e of a trio of w o m e n w h o take o n f a r m labour w h e n the m e n g o a w a y t o fight W o r l d W a r II. O f c o u r s e , they all fall for the r u g g e d farm lads, a n d m u c h f e m a l e b o n d i n g e n s u e s .... The G i n g e r b r e a d M a n is the latest f r o m the John G r i s h a m stable, w i t h K e n n e t h B r a n n a g h in the l a w y e r - i n peril-role. H o w e v e r , this one p r o m i s e s t o be a cut a b o v e the usual fare, w i t h Robert A l t m a n in the d i r e c t o r ' s chair, a n d a b i z z a r e plot centring around Embeth D a v i d t z a t t e m p t s t o c o n s i g n her d a d t o the l o o n y bin .... N o n e t o o subtle p o l i t i c a l satire c o m e s in the f o r m o f P r i m a r y C o l o u r s , w i t h John Travolta as the p a n t s - d o w n Pres and E m m a T h o m p s o n as his p u t u p o n first lady .... E d d i e m u r p h y stars as The H o l y M a n , a d v o c a t i n g the pursuit of life, laughter a n d love .... Robert R e d f o r d is o n sickly s w e e t f o r m as a c o w b o y t y p e w h o w h o b r e a k s - i n w i l d horses by w h i s p e r i n g t o t h e m in T h e H o r s e W h i s p e r e r - Kristin S c o t t - T h o m a s is the city-girl w h o enlists his h e l p w h e n her d a u g h t e r is injured in a riding a c c i d e n t , it's a d a p t e d f r o m a best s e l l i n g n o v e l , s o b i g things are e x p e c t e d .... A n d o n the subject of pregnancy, M a d e l e i n e Stowe and W i l l i a m hurt d a b b l e d i s a s t r o u s l y w i t h s u r r o g a c y in The P r o p o s i t i o n .... The O b j e c t o f M y A f f e c t i o n has already k i c k e d u p a fuss in the States, w i t h it's d e p i c t i o n of a pregnant w o m a n l u s t i n g after her ga y f l a t m a t e . Friends star Jennifer A n i s t o n takes the l e a d , w i t h a perf o r m a n c e best d e s c r i b e d as " A w o m a n w i t h a c u s h i o n stuck u p her jumper".

FILM

46

24 June

1998

THE BIG SUMMER PREVIEW

LOST IN SPACE Stars: William Hurt ¡ Matt Le Blanc ¡ Gary Oldman § © § Director: · n Hopkins Ï § : July 31

W

it

Saving Private Ryan e only big Hollywood g s ¡ it's £ tie ¢ r all e indie ¢ s to emerge ¥ ¢¤ m g ... Terry Gilliam meets ¦ § © ª rS¨ n to produce e trippiest movie you've seen in ¬ g In Las years ¡ Fear and « Vegas. Jonny Depp plays e drug­®¯ °°¯ ¦ §² d writer ¡ ± ¤ g across e mid-west in searc o¢ e American Dream .... Running it close ¢ r e tittle o¢ strangest con cept o ¢ e year is Velvet ££ ´ Goldmine ³ a roadmovie ¢ ga 70's glam-rock band and starring Ewan McGregor and Eddie Izzard. Personally ¡ I can't wait .... Hot on §§ £ ´ µ it's s comes Still Crazy ¡ ££ ´ ¢ s e reunion o¢ a glam rock § ¬ § group ¶ twenty years ¢ r r § © § §² ¥ ¬ ² . Billy Connolly ¡ · n Rea and ± y Nail star .... Back ©¬ on e mainstream ¡ Gibson § ¬ and Glover return in « l ¦¸ Weapon 4. Expect e explosions ¹ massive body count and absolutely no pretensions o¢ plot. Joe Pesci and Rene Russo also return .... Species 2 is s sum § mer's r big studio sequel ¡ wit ¬ ¬ª a Henstridge returning as º e killer alien babe. ¨ s time around » e top scientists create a ¬ ¬ª "good" º a to destroy a µ ¬ ¢ e ¼ ¤d Martian .... £ Attenboroug ½ retreads e ¢e o¢ ¬ Elizabet ¾ e First ¡ t is) wit an all-star cast including Cate £¬ µ § ¿ t and Eric Cantona. He ª suggests e wasn't e "Virgin ¬ ª t Queen" ¤y records ¡ so expect controversy .... À ÁÂt Rats ¬ § Won't Do is r Britis courtroom based entry .... Wit à Elmore Leonard novels currently guaran µ ² ÅÆ e gold (Get · ¤ ¡ teed Ä ¢¢ ¸ Jackie Brown) Out o¢ · t may Ç ÈÉ Ê ËË y represent George Clooney's break into e big-time. Steven Soderberg (Sex ¡ lies and Videotape) returns ¢ ¤ m e dead ´ ¥ § ¦ ££ to direct .... ¨ e y titled ¤¢ ª µ ¬ MÌe n Wit à Guns ¤ s e ¤y o e Mexican guerrilla war ¡ and is § ´ ¬ ª ¾ t impressively) delivered ¥ § § in a mix o ¢ six ¢¢ ¤ t languages .... Strangest o¢ all ¡ Wesley Snipes ¬ £ Æ ¬ stars as e eponymous ¢ n ¬ £ Æͬ © ¢ ¤e in Blade ¡ looking to § ¤s deat avenge s at e ¬ ¥ § © § s o¢ · n Î ¤¢¢ .

T

ªµ Æ

ake one t sixties ¢ i serial wit a big cult ÐÑÒ ÒÑÓÔ ÕÖ ¹ ditc e entire style o¢ e original § and × y presto ¡ you've got a sure ¬ ¥ ¢ ¤e t on your s w many ¬ ÙÚ t premise in times Ø e we seen recent years? Looked at ¢ ¤ m an alternative point o ¢ view ¡ Lost in Space promises stunning visuals ¡ big explosions and a top class adrena¦ª line ¤ . Once again ¡ special § § µ ¬ ©¦ ª § ¢¢ s wizzardry s been d to new limits Û including a robot ¬ £ ´ µ ´ § ¸ s in at one and a ¢ § ¸ tonnes Ü and is operated by t people Ý and one member o¢ e ¬ ´ cast o s been entirely com e words o¢ puter generated. In director Hopkins Þ¨ s makes e § §µ µ ¬ ¬µ § ´ ¢¢ s a ¤ r n e ßàáâã ¬ ¬ § ¤ r n an added layer on top Ì o e action". Hmmm.

e

¨

¦¸ £

e plot is ¤ y based on e movies sixties namesake.

§ ªª ä¤ ¢ å æç £ ¬ ¢ è éê £ ë ¬ ¢ §

r n Robinson (Hurt) and s y are selected to be e t y to colonise outer space. Just as y are beginning to settle § ª ¬ § Æ Æ §Æ¬ into work ¡ r ¢ ¤t ª ©¬µ § µ ¬ star ¤ ¢ t (piloted by Friends ¢¢ LeBlanc) strays course ¡ § marooning e Robinsons and r ¬µ ¬ saboteur. Dr. ì (a deli¤y Smit ¬ ciously y Gary Oldman). Now ¡ in e original Smit was

ª £ ¸ £

y camp ¡ decidedly nona §í scary villain. Here ¡ s a creepy evil mastermind. In e original î e £¬¦¸ ¬ £ ª ¬ £ µ robot was a Ä ¡ Ä e §µ ¦¸ § ı . Here it's a ¡ imposing ¡ multi-million dollar creation. But ð ´ ï l o cares about comparisons e original. Lost in Space wit ¦¸ § § µ ¸ promises e ¢¢ s and ó adventure - ñ ò t more could you possibly want?

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN Stars: Tom Hanks ¡ Matt Damon ¡ Tom Sizemore Director: Steven Spielberg Ï § : September 11

B

ring

¸ § §

r

e most sucl director in ª ² ¤ ¡ one Hollywood o¢ e most popular A-list stars ¡ and § ª s year's t new sensation. § § n roll m all into an intensely ¨ ó ÙÚ patriotic war ßàáâã and ñ ò t Ø e µ ÅÆ ¢¢ you got? Sure ¢ ¤e Ä e gold ù ¬ í ´ ¬ s . ôõöö÷ø

Tom Hanks stars as e leader o a crack squad sent in to rescue e eponymous Private Ryan (Good ¬ § Will Huntings Matt Damon) ¡ ¢ r § e is trapped Ä d enemy lines ´ during World War II. So y go to suc trouble to save one man in e midst o¢ suc a devastating µ £ µ ¢ ? Well ¡ e US government ¬ ¬ § § s discovered t ¤ e Ĥ ¤s § ÙÚ e all died in battle ¡ and r Ø § § µ ¬ r will receive ¤ e ¢ § tions on e same day. But n § ¬ § ¤e y discover t was a ­ú® ûü § ¦ r - a ¢ ¤ member o¢ ý Ĥ £² ¬ e Ryan ¢ . ¨ e call goes out Ì

§ þþ þ

d m and bring m . Clearly ¡ s is going to be more Ì §¬ § § ¬ o a n a traditional ¤± ¤ÿ r blood-and-guts war movie ¡ but wit Spielberg's impeccable track ¦ª record in ± t about every genre ¬ í ¬ ¥ £ known to Hollywood ¡ s y ¤ cause ¢ r concern. § ¥ ª Filmed in (in a ¤ ¢ ¤ ¤e ¬ ¸¬ disused Britis Aerospace ¤) § ¬µ § and on location on e Ä s o¢

to

¢

ϧŠ¥

¢ ¤ ¡ County ireland ¡ Saving Private Ryan promises a gritty ¡ real istic depiction o¢ World War II ¡ wit ¦¸ a e budget allowing e D-Day ¦ ££ landings to be ¢ y utilised as a backdrop to e supposedly true ©§ ¦ £ £ ª ¦ £ story. y s d all ¢ Ç ÈÉ Ê ËË y add up to a big (and muc needed) success ¢ r Spielberg's § ¬ Dreamworks studio ¡ Ĥ g new e into e war movie.

47

FILM

24 June 1998 THE BIG S U M M E R PREVIEW

ARMAGEDDON Stars: Bruce Willis Steve Buscemi Liv Tyler Ben k

Director: l Bay

: October

A

s as pointless action and

violence is concerned s is

e big one. Jerry producer o

Con

$! Crimson ! %Top%& "#%&'

e ' r ride movies teams up

Tide and a adrenaline

wit Rock director Bay to bring

you e undoubted winner o

"Stupidest movie o e year 1998". n o events suspiciousIn a ly similar to Mimi Leder's Deep . scientists spot a meteor ()*+, % g toward g to obliterate mankind. Queue deep miners Bruce Willis and Steve Buscemi climbing aboard a space / e strapped to a nuclear mis/ ' w a lump o rock e sile0 to

size o Texas t America's e boss.

ic - but wit an all star cast led by Bruce Willis Steve Buscemi Liv 6 789 :; t bizzarely cast as Tyler 45 =

't talent Ben Willis' < current '/ ' >?? @AB

k and a t o r r ' /

C w could y possibly ?

s being a r pic '< E F GH t really matters ture D

/

is e and wit a $ 100 mil

lion budget combined wit a plot '

< allows r mass devastation

to billion O course wit no previous and an H-bomb strapped

/ e guys dollars o space %< ' w can training as astronauts 23

' - Armageddon be I g less n are going to 1 e to be pretty

J

w dropping? ' Obviously D i you're one o / e weirdos < o% doesn't k destrucninety minutes o

tion and mindless violence is wort

e price o admission n you K LMN Od avoid Armageddon like e

plague. But n you'd be missing

out on e real point o summer releases - escapist entertainment explosions and a complete RST absence o plot. r all P Q s

not e point o summerJ'i you're y I' / ? going to relax and

SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS Stars: Harrison Ford Anne

David V < r Director: Ivan Reitman

: July 3

U

s year Harrison Ford - e world's most reliable and

bankable star - lends s not

inconsiderable talents to s knockabout comedy as a pilot

marooned on a desert island wit ] WXY WZ[\ Z^XY W_y magazine editor . Anne U U e is an ambitious decisive ' New York girl ` taking a week 'I C

J /

wit d in . To bcdy e r 'a % I / e agrees to p

r magazine out by covering a e a' g island. story on a

Enter e Fordster e only pilot available available a laid-back ' fghi y drinker wit < m / e / s a mutual dislike. But U e

s no ' e and e can't / e e money.

T

And j o course s being e

movies e plane n decides to

cras land on a remote island k

deep in e l . Abandoned and 'm

wit no e o rescue e pair are

oving into e colder Š‹ Œ� Ž� � e blockbusters

still keep on coming wit / destruction t Armageddon pen' cilled in r release .... Current US C

’ sensation e Truman ‘ Q w stars

/ Jim Carrey in s t "serious" role. He is Truman Burbank star o ' e world's most popular TV / w

- but e doesn't know o s on TV.

s all been a / m His entire e

%s and s and s < s parents are all actors .... Toy Story s return in Small style

Kirsten Dunst Soldiers D wit e & p in a war between two ' C s o toy soldiers .... e worrying prospect o a live action

version o Cinderella s e multi

plexes “ wit e unlikely casting o

Drew Barrymore as e muc put ' o s Dial upon Cinders .... U – m ”• Murder is remade as A l t Murder wit Andrew

M

r

Davies

¨Še

' d

to put aside r antago

nism in order to survive. As e

go by y learn to like eac 'days until Innn. O course it all sounds utterly predictable (and it probably is) but % C o s y e point. e mix o

Ford p sparky comedy e regulation action quotient and a bizzare e combination o stars (Anne U ' ' is probably most s r being

e % ) / ' d wxyz see Six Seven v y ' {|}~

/ ensconced in e box e

mmy m ' . Moreover returning a

e promise o seeing Harrison

d at e style o Ford try s m e

d comedy d by

director Reitman € e man a d x "  zy‚#zyƒ z! „…†‡ˆ‰ Space Jam

etc.) is surely wort e price o Ellen DeGenres

qrstu

admission alone.

—˜xƒ

™#w y šƒ!

x › œ $

. Reaction) in e director's

Paltrow stars in role Gwynet

r own .... Â? žÂ&#x;n Grace Kelly made McTiernan (Die Hard) steps in to C

direct e 13t Warrior e latest

'

l  n adaptation to

t e big screen. Battles g Viking % warriors taking on ÂĄ l cannibals promises a

y gore quotient. And apparently it's all based on a true story % .... Disney puts a t spin on '

Mulan an old k tales wit

/

ancient  e tale given e animation treatment. Advance word

suggests t e Mousedom may ¢£¤ ¼ŒŒy be back on track r r / '%% y ' s .... ¥ ' s recent ' Cage is a rogue cop d to / '' t an < l lot o bad guys in

order to save e day in Snake '

Eyes § e latest m Brian de / Palma .... As Bryan Singer's t

stint in e director's r since brilliant Usual

ª­Ž¯°¹

Apt

Pupil promises to be a source o

muc media attention particularly ' m n as it's adapted m a V King novel .... However it's up

' ' against serious ' C r opposition ²

in e m e Exorcist it's still

banned on video so see s ' J &

a t lesson in g < e

you can .... Hug Grant returns to ' e comedy d in Mickey Blue Eyes. Hilarious consequences Âľ

ensue ³ ´ n e discovers t s œ £¡Œ¢ ¡£¸ ¤šº s dad is e '% .

48

S

24 June 1998

EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN THIS S U M M E R :

SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVING IS EASY WITH FLAGARANT DISREGARD FOR OUR WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS SUMMER ON..

SAINTS A N D SINNERS

IMAGININGS OF SAND

Marcelle Bernstein

Andre Brink

Janie P a x t o n , journalist a n d recently d i v o r c e d a l c o h o l i c , agrees t o w r i t e t h e a u t h o r i s e d b i o g r a p h y of M a d g a L a c h o w s k a , the c h a r a s m a t ic spiritual leader of the C h a l i c e . Although M a g d a Lachowska, othe r w i s e k n o w n as M a m a , is c o n s i d e r e d a living saint in w h o s e f o o t s t e p s lavander plants h a d b e e n s e e n t o b l o o m , Janie t a k e s the job for o t h e r r e a s o n s . She s e e s the opportunity of writing M a m a ' s b i o g r a p h y as a m e a n s of m a k i n g m o n e y a n d r e s t o r i n g her r e p u t a t i o n t o its f o r m e r g l o r y . A s Janie investigates M a m a ' s b a c k g r o u n d , d i s c r e p a n c i e s begin t o e m e r g e in t h e offical v e r s i o n of M a m a ' s hist o r y a n d Janie has t o c h o s e w h e t h e r t o listen t o her instincts and u n c o v e r t h e real story or not. Bernstein's strength is her ability t o create believable c h a r a c t e r s and then develop those characters t h r o u g h o u t the n o v e l , u s i n g flashbacks t o k e e p the reader intereste d . O n the w h o l e this is a very g o o d b o o k , t h e kind t o take o n h o l i d a y t o r e a d o n the b e a c h . If that w a s t h e c a s e I w o u l d h a p p i l y fork o u t the m o n e y for it but if not, this is the k i n d of b o o k I w o u l d enjoy t a k i n g o u t of t h e library. P u b l i s h e d by: B a n t a m Out now

Books.

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BITCH BITCH Elizabet Wurtzel A lot of p e o p l e (men) will buy this b o o k s i m p l y for the p i c t u r e o f t h e n a k e d w o m a n o n the front. They will t h e n r e a d it, a n d d i s c o v e r that À ¼½¾¿ d o e s not refer t o a stripper w i t h a p e n c h a n t for d o i n g it " d o g g y s t y l e " , but t o the state of w o m e n t o d a y . Elizabeth W u r t z e l t a k e s h u n d r e d s of e x a m p l e s of w o m e n w h o have s u f f e r e d a n d p r e s e n t s t h e m t o us in this l u c i d c o l l e c t i o n of e s s a y s o n m o d e r n w o m e n . She r e m i n d s us o f t h e p a i n felt by p o e t s s u c h as Sylvia Plath a n d A n n i e S e x t o n , of t h e terror faced by Nicole Brown S i m p s o n , a n d c e l e b r a t e s s o m e of the m o s t i n f a m o u s w o m e n in history, d e f e n d i n g their outsize desires, d e s c r i b i n g their e x q u i s i t e loneliness, c h a m p i o n i n g their taken o - p r i s o n e r s a p p r o a c h t o life a n d to love. Thanks t o their past sufferings, this is the first t i m e in history that a w o m a n c a n exist as a viable e n t i ty w i t h o u t t h e s u p p o r t of a m a n . H o o r a y for f e m i n i s m a n d d o w n w i t h the rotters, they're all b a s tards. A g o o d b o o k t o read a n d t h e n talk a b o u t . A t length . L o u d l y . N o t for t h e b o y s t h o u g h . Published

S A I N T S & S I I N J INI E . t ^ S

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N'kosi sikelel' ÁÂ ÁÆ È The l e a d - u p t o the birth of the N e w S o u t h A f r i c a w a s n o t h i n g if n o t t r a u m a t i c . C o u n t l e s s p e o p l e , b o t h black a n d w h i t e , w e r e killed in v i o l e n t a t t a c k s o n h u m a n i t y a n d p r o p e r t y . The t e n s i o n m o u n t e d as m a n y of the old-style Afrikaners refused to a b a n d o n their l o n g h e l d t r a d i t i o n s . T he m e n in particular felt a greatd e a l of r e s e n t m e n t t o w a r d s the c h a n g e s a n d t o w a r d s the e m e r g i n g government. Despite the changes b e i n g o b v i o u s t o e v e r y o n e in t h e w o r l d , m a n y d e n i e d that the black G o v e r n m e n t w o u l d w i n . Back into this c l a u s t r o p h o b i c s o c i e t y c a m e K r i s t i e n , t o c a r e for her d y i n g g r a n d m o t h e r a n d t o a b s o r b her m e m o r i e s of their family history. Eleven years h a d p a s s e d s i n c e she ran a w a y t o England t o e s c a p e her future, a n d she h a d n ' t b e e n back s i n c e . T he b o o k charts her a c c e p t a n c e of her family a n d her history. This b o o k is a m a z i n g . The story f l o w s in a n a l m o s t r o m a n t i c w a y : the stories of the velt fit beautifully alongside the tensions of c o n t e m p o r a r y S o u t h A f r i c a . R e a d i n g it m a d e m e feel as if I w a s back in t h e least tolerant a n d the m o s t beautiful c o u n t r y in the w o r l d . Buy it, r e a d it, love it. G o d bless A f r i c a .

Out

P u b l i s h e d by: R a n d o m H o u s e . now

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NAMEDROPPER Emma Forrest I've d o n e the t e e n t h i n g . It w a s fun w h i l e it l a s t e d , but w a s n o t an e x p e r i e n c e I'd like t o relive, s o r e a d i n g this b o o k a b o u t a s e l f - p r o c l a i m e d i c o n i c sixteen year o l d w a s n o t a l w a y s a pleasant e x p e r i e n c e . V i v a C o h e n has a blissful life w i t h her uncle, her l e t t u c e - c h e w i n g best f r i e n d , her favourite s o n g a n d her Elizabeth Taylor p o s t e r s . After t h e s u m m e r , s h e has a lot of Elizabeth Taylor p o s t e r s . W h e n e v e r her life g o e s w r o n g , she turns t o her M a r i l y n M o n r o e o r A u d r e y H e p b u r n p o s t e r s for c o m f o r t a n d cries a l o n g to "The Boys of S u m m e r " by D o n H e n l e y . She's also a neuro tic , p a r a n o i d , spoilt brat, w h o prefers t o be t h o u g h t o f as an i c o n , rather t h a n t o d o anyt h i n g t o merit it. She d r e a m s of h o w s h e ' d c o m m i t s u i c i d e , has a d i s t a s t e for sex, ( a l t h o u g h s h e never really g e t s any offers), travels t o A m e r i c a w i t h her slightly s u c c e s s f u l rockstar friend a n d g e n erally d a y d r e a m s her w a y t h r o u g h life, until s h e ' s brought d o w n t o Earth w i t h a b u m p . T he b o o k is funny a n d quite t o u c h i n g in parts, g o o d but n o t great, a n d a n enjoyable r e a d w h i l s t bored. Published

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Books.

BOOKS

24 June 1998

49

READ M O R E B O O K S

DEGREES THE FELIX BOOKS TEAM HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF THE BEST BOOKS TO

TRYIN' TO SLEEP IN THE BED YOU MADE

TWO FOR THE LIONS Lindsay Davis

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DeBerry Grant This b o o k is terrible. Basically, it's pulp fiction f r o m the States w h e r e all the c h a r a c t e r s are black p e o p l e making an impression o n a pred o m i n a n t l y w h i t e U S s o c i e t y . This is the o n l y g o o d t h i n g a b o u t the book; it t o u c h e s o n the m i s e r a ble life that p o o r p e o p l e c a n have in the s l u m - s u b u r b s of N e w York. In itself the b o o k is w e l l w r i t t e n , w i t h a g o o d ear for street s l a n g a n d vaguely realistic characters, but is ultimately let d o w n by the slushy plot. T h e r e ' s l o a d s of a c t i o n in the b o o k ; fires, d e a t h s , abortions, marriages, all hurriedly dealt w i t h . The t w o s o u l sisters b o t h d i s c o v e r the h o l l o w n e s s of love a n d the e m p t i n e s s of their d r e a m s , it isn't just b l o o d that m a k e s w o m e n sisters. A s I s a i d , this b o o k is really poor. It's v e r y r e a d a b l e , however; m u c h t o m y irritation I couldn't p u t it d o w n , I read it o n the bus, at meals, in lectures, b e t w e e n t u t o r i als, w h e n e v e r 1 h a d a m o m e n t . 1 even s t a y e d u p late t o finish it, a n d I haven't d o n e that in a l o n g t i m e . This is a b e a c h or airport n o v e l , n o t as serious r e a d , it's light, frothy, pleasant w i t h a f e e l - g o o d e n d i n g , but is ultimately a terrible b o o k . Published now

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Bantam.

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This is the latest bestseller in the series. Marcus Didius Falco Devotees will k n o w what to e x p e c t , as Falco, H e l e n a Justina a n d julia Justinilla travel t o N o r t h A f r i c a t o unravel the m y s t e r i o u s d e a t h of a c h a m p i o n c r i m i n a l eating lion, in c o m p a n y w i t h F a m i a , Falco's alcoholic brother-in-law, Thalia, the super-tough circus m a n a g e r a n d J a s o n the s l e e p y p y t h o n . W h i l s t they're there, they u n c o v e r s c a n d a l o u s behaviour in the gladiator w o r l d . W i l l C a m i l l u s Justinus, H e l e n a ' s y o u n g e r brother, e n d u p s k e w e r e d by the g l a d i a t o r w i t h the large s p e a r ? Will Falco m a n a g e t o solve the c r i m e s b e f o r e the E m p e r o r Vespasian loses patience and recalls h i m t o R o m e ? Will Falco manage to lose his partner Ancrites without incurring the w r a t h of his m o t h e r ?

PARADISE Toni Morrison This is a very difficult b o o k , e x p l o r ing our v i e w s o n race, g e n d e r a n d the v o i d b e t w e e n g o o d a n d evil. Four w o m e n are s h o t d e a d by nine m e n in a s e e m i n g l y u n p r o v o k e d attack. W e r e they s h o t b e c a u s e they are evil, b e c a u s e the m e n w a n t t o s u p p r e s s any w o m e n w h o s t a n d o u t f r o m t h e c r o w d , or because they are willfully m i s u n d e r s t o o d by a s m a l l t o w n w h o like t o r e m a i n blinkered? There are no easy answers to these quest i o n s , a n d the b o o k d o e s n ' t insult our intelligence by p r o v i d i n g any. This is T o n i M o r r i s o n ' s first b o o k s i n c e w i n n i n g the N o b e l Prize for Literature in 1993 a n d is a regËÌÍÎ She writes w i t h ular f o u r d e ÉÊ a m a z i n g clarity a n d fluency, a n d her ideas are beautifully e x p r e s s e d . Right f r o m the first s e n ÑÍÒ Ñ Ô ÔÑÍ ÑÖÔÍ Ó ÊÊ Õ t e n c e , ÏÐ girl ×Ø ÉÖËÓÔ w e are f l u n g into a difficult a n d d a n g e r o u s w o r l d , full of inequalities b o t h b e t w e e n races a n d s e x e s . By f o r c i n g us t o c o n front our o w n r a c i s m , she p r e s e n t s us w i t h a c h a l l e n g i n g read w h i c h is ultimately e x t r e m e l y enjoyable. Published by: Chatto W i n d u s . O u t n o w in h a r d b a c k

&.

It's w o r t h r e a d i n g if you're a fan, a n d is very enjoyable. If y o u haven't r e a d a n y t h i n g by L i n d s a y Davis, t h e n it w o n ' t really a p p e a l t o you. A n y o n e with only a glancing interest in A n c i e n t R o m e or c r i m e fiction will enjoy this series: the ÑÍ first is Ð Silver Pigs a n d is available in p a p e r b a c k f r o m C e n t u r y Books. P u b l i s h e d by: C e n t u r y . O u t in hardback n o w

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CEREUS BLOOMS AT NIGHT i Mootoo This is not a b o o k 1 w o u l d have v o l untarily c h o s e n . It is an unusual b o o k about love, s e p a r a t i o n a n d alienation. The p l o t is t w i s t e d , with a s m a l l t o w n feel, w h e r e everyone k n o w s e v e r y o n e else, a n d doesn't have that high an o p i n i o n of h i m or her. As everyone knew, Mala Ramchandin was mad, and most p e o p l e w e r e slightly afraid of her. N o o n e ever b o t h e r e d t o d i s c o v e r the r e a s o n for her m a d n e s s , e x c e p t for Tyler, the only male nurse o n the island, w i t h his u n c o m f o r t a b l e feeling of b e i n g in the w r o n g b o d y . H e narrates this evocative story of sexual a n d m e n t a l a bu s e , of o n e w o m a n ' s s l o w c o l l a p s e into total insanity. This is a sensitive a n d thoughtful bo o k , d e a l i n g delicately w i t h controversial issues s u c h as fatherdaughter incest, e x p l o r i n g g e n d e r identity a n d v i o l e n c e in a celebrat i o n of the c a p a c i t y t o love, a n d t o survive d e s p i t e i m m e n s e cruelty a n d black d e s p a i r . Unfortunately, the plot rather tails out, leaving o n e w i t h a s t r o n g s e n s e of d i s a p p o i n t ment. Published Out: August

by:

Granta

Books.

24 June 1998

ARTS

50 PLAY REVIEWS

COPENHAGEN Cottesloe

National

Y

es, that's right f e l l o w IC s t u d e n t s : a p l a y (n. d r a m a t i c p i e c e or p e r f o r m a n c e ) a b o u t H e i s e n b e r g . In a theatre o n t h e S o u t h Bank. A t last - an arty farty event w h i c h y o u c a n g o t o w i t h o u t the risk of s h e d d i n g y o u r "boring, a p a t h e t i c scientist" label. O n the e v e n i n g I w e n t the p r e s e n c e of a large n u m b e r of physicists in the a u d i e n c e w a s i n d e e d quite a p p a r ent, but don't let that p u t y o u off. C o p e n h a g e n is the n e w p l a y by M i c h a e l Frayn w h i c h c o n c e r n s itself with the meeting between Heisenberg and Bohr in C o p e n h a g e n d u r i n g the a u t u m n of 1941. W h a t w a s actually s a i d d u r i n g that visit a n d d o w e really care? in a n s w e r t o the latter q u e s t i o n , the play's suggestion that this m e e t i n g a f f e c t e d the c o u r s e of history, in particular t h e effect o n t h e Nazis' atomic programme, should a r o u s e the c u r i o s i t y of e v e n that

e

m y t h i c a l character k n o w n as the Typical IC S t u d e n t . A n o t h e r r e a s o n w h y y o u s h o u l d be interested is that t h e p l a y d e a l s w i t h issues w h i c h are d i r e c t l y c o n c e r n e d w i t h the c o n s e q u e n c e s of w h a t w e all d o . A s w e l l as raising s u c h ethical q u e s t i o n s it also c o n f r o n t s t h e existential issues w h i c h c o n c e r n M a n ' s p l a c e o n this planet a n d w h a t d r i v e s his p i o n e e r i n g spirit. If it s o u n d s like the p l a y m i g h t be quite intense at t i m e s t h e n that's b e c a u s e it is. There is n o skirting a r o u n d or d u m b i n g d o w n of the science involved which makes me w o n d e r h o w the non-scientists f o u n d it. O n e ' s a t t e n t i o n is c o n stantly e n g a g e d a n d , by the e n d , 1 felt mentally quite e x h a u s t e d . This is not o n l y d u e t o t h e d r a m a t i c a n d intelligent text but the c o m m i t t e d a n d totally a b s o r b i n g a c t i n g (Sara K e s t e l m a n a n d D a v i d B u r k e as Margrethe and Niels Bohr, and

Matthew Marsh as Werner Heisenberg). Director Michael B l a k e m o r e k e e p s it s i m p l e a n d direct - for m e , this is w h a t theatre is a b o u t . S o w h a t exactly d i d h a p p e n that e v e n i n g in 1941? P e r h a p s w e shall never k n o w . M i c h a e l Frayn s e e m s t o exhaust all of the c o n ceivable possibilities during the c o u r s e of the play. H e i s e n b e r g a n d B o h r t h e m s e l v e s a t t e m p t e d t o find s o m e c o m m o n g r o u n d in the m a t ter d u r i n g a later m e e t i n g in 1 9 4 7 but, a c c o r d i n g t o H e i s e n b e r g , " w e

ÙÚÛÜ came to ÝÞÞß àáâ à it would be to stop disturbing àáÞ spirits ãä åæç past." It is o n this p o i n t that

better

M i c h a e l Frayn d e p a r t s f r o m the historical r e c o r d a n d in this m e e t i n g they d o d i s t u r b t h e m further. The contempt with which Heisenberg w a s t r e a t e d after the w a r s e e m s t o be a bit harsh since he f a c e d a d i l e m m a in trying t o e x p l a i n his

The o t h e r factor raised by t h e p l a y is t h e extent to w h i c h H e i s e n b e r g w a s a w a r e of his o w n intentions at the t i m e . W h e n l o o k i n g into o n e s e l f o n e c o m e s u p against limitations o n w h a t o n e c a n observe and know; one then b e c o m e s restricted in b e i n g able t o m e a s u r e or judge accurately w h a t is g o i n g o n . Rather like the theories a b o u t the nature of scientific m e a surement p r o p o s e d by c e r t a i n physicists earlier this century.

èéêëìêí

Tarlton

A CHORUS OF DISAPPROVAL

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW Courtyard

a c t i o n s : h a d he deliberately lost his f e l l o w - G e r m a n s the W a r a n d b e e n a traitor t o the N a z i s , or w a s he not s u c h a brilliant scientist after all a n d truly b e l i e v e d that the b u i l d i n g of a nuclear b o m b w a s impractical? Either w a y , he didn't e n d u p w i t h t h e b l o o d of m a n y t e n s of t h o u s a n d s o n his h a n d s .

e

Dramsoc

A

s this is m y first r e v i e w , 1 felt lucky that in m y d e b u t as a " c r i t i c " (how grand!) I s a w a play that I e n j o y e d . I f o u n d the treatment I received from the p e o ple at t h e C o u r t Y a r d s o polite it bordered on embarrassing. 1 was s p o k e n t o individually, b e i n g t o l d that "the H o u s e is n o w o p e n s i r " , g i v e n a free d r i n k a n d a w h o l e b u n c h of blurb a b o u t t h e cast. The r e a s o n that this m a d e m e feel o d d l y a w k w a r d w a s the fact that I a m o n l y a farty s t u d e n t w h o has d o n e a Theatre A level a n d a m n o w d a m n i n g or p r a i s i n g the e x t r e m e h a r d w o r k o f t w e n t y p e o p l e as m y m o o d t a k e s m e . But, g i v e n that 1 a m a farty s t u d e n t , I will tell y o u w h y 1 liked this play. (It h a d n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e free drink.) The T a m i n g O f The S h r e w d o e s not h o l d dear t o it's heart t h e ideas of equality or e v e n the slightest r e s p e c t for w o m e n , it w a s interesting t o o b s e r v e h o w the p r o d u c t i o n c o p e d w i t h this p r o b l e m of s h o w i n g a m o d e m a u d i e n c e ancient, e v e n o f f e n s i v e , ideals a n d id eas. Their m e t h o d w a s t h r o u g h a s u b stantially a d a p t e d script, the w o r k of Phil W i l l m o t t . The character of Petruchio, played by Dean

M o y n i h a n , is an e x a m p l e of h o w c h a n g e d t h e play is - P e t r u c h i o brags about the fact that he will break t h e w o m e n w h o m n o o t h e r m a n is able t o . Yet in this p r o d u c t i o n , he s e e m e d t o be less bragging a b o u t his f o r t h c o m i n g c o n q u e s t , and more attempting to convince h i m s e l f that he h a d not bitten off m o r e t h a n he c a n c h e w , gi v i n g t h e play a m o r e c o m i c flavour. A t t h e finish, after m u c h s p a r r i n g w i t h fierce Katherina, played by M i c h a e l e C u s s e n , he m a n a g e s t o o b t a i n her a f f e c t i o n . It a l w a y s , h o w e v e r , r e m a i n s clear that he r e s p e c t s her a n d she r e s p e c t s h i m . In short this light a d a p t a t i o n w a s fun, p a c e y a n d w i t t y .

e d g e t o t h e play. S o m e will argue that the a d a p t a t i o n s a n d m o d i f i c a tions, which did fundamentally alter the very e s s e n c e of the play, are not justified w i t h i n the text. It m a y be s a i d that The T a m i n g O f T he S h r e w is e i t h e r a b o u t t h e breaking of the s t r o n g f e m a l e or n o t h i n g . 1 a m not a p p r o a c h i n g this o n literary g r o u n d s , w h e t h e r or not the a d a p t a t i o n w a s "artistically just i f i e d " (whatever that m e a n s ) , all 1 say is that it h e l d m y a t t e n t i o n a n d m a d e m e laugh; 1 never felt that it w a s at all c o n t r i v e d . The c o m p a n y g r a b b e d h o l d of t h e play a n d k i c k e d it in t o a s h a p e a c c e p t a b l e t o a m o d e r n a u d i e n c e ; a Fringe Theatre recommendation.

T he C o u r t y a r d Theatre has a lovely s e t t i n g . T he s m a l l t h e a t r e o p e n s o u t o n t o a c o u r t y a r d (hence the n a m e ) a n d its size a n d s p a c i n g make the action intimate and i n t e n s e rather t h a n i n - y o u r - f a c e a n d i n t i m i d a t i n g . The w h o l e play w a s set in front of a C a f e in rural P a d u a , very realistically d e s i g n e d a n d built. T he c o s t u m e s a n d p r o p s w e r e suitable a n d c o l o u r f u l .

The p r o d u c t i o n h a d the kick a n d s p a r k w h i c h is o n l y p o s s i b l e w h e n the cast are b o u n c i n g off each other, c o m m u n i c a t i n g well a n d h a v i n g a great t i m e . S o if, like m e , y o u have ever h a d the y e a r n i n g in y o u r heart t o enter the u n p r e dictable, exotic w o r l d of d r a m a a n d s o d the sensible s c i e n c e d e g r e e , w e l l be w a r n e d - s e e i n g this will m a k e y o u w i s h that y o u h a d .

T he p r o d u c t i o n never a t t e m p t e d t o be m o r e t h a n it w a s , a l w a y s s m o o t h i n g o v e r w h a t is a nasty

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hat I w a n t e d t o d o , a n d intended to d o , was write a g l o w i n g r e v i e w of D r a m s o c ' s excellent p e r f o r m a n c e of this play, slyly b e i n g rude a b o u t the a l m o s t t y p e - c a s t i n g , a n d p r a i s i n g t h e m t o the skies in r o s e - t i n t e d p r o s e . A w h o l e page feature o n those talented and dedicated actors, w h o also h a p p e n t o be a b u n c h of scientists a n d engineers, c o m p l e t e w i t h pictures a n d n a m e s of the stars. W h a t I e n d u p d o i n g , h o w e v e r , is sitting at 8 p m o n the d a y before the entire p a p e r ' s d u e t o be p r i n t e d d e s p e r a t e l y t r y i n g t o fufill m y p r o m i s e in the t w o i n c h e s o f c o l u m n s p a c e I h a v e left. There's just e n o u g h r o o m t o m e n tion my favourite moments: Daffydd and Raymond improvising over the lighting, Bridget a n d L i n d a half-killing e a c h other over C r i s p i n , Enid's singing, the c o s t u m e s , the m u s i c , the set a n d the intentionally(?) a m a t e u r i s h c h o r e o g r a p h y . C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s D r a m s o c , it w a s very g o o d , g o o d luck for next time, and stop complaining, I w r o t e y o u a n embarrassingly g u s h ing preview. Julia

24 June 1998

51

S

DANCING GALLERIES

AL AIN PLATEL'S LES BALLETS C DE L A B: LETS O P BACH Queen Elizabeth Hall úÝ

w weeks ago 1 wrote opera singers ßýe dancers o Þ about ßýe exciting dance course and ßýe odd circus number season in London and gave too. a little advice on ßýe best compae scene takes place in some Ý nies to go and see. One o Þ ÿ e kind o Þ garden wit a padú wasú Alain Platel's Les Ballets C de la dling pool sun beds on ßý e roo Ý Ý oÞ Ý B m t in Belgium. ÿ ÿ e a very down to Ý e in May last simple surrounding. ýe small He was over year wit ý s work La Tristeza !" #$%& !a mark ßýe beginning by Complice: one o Þ ÿ e most incredi- playing a very emotional piece cre

oĂž ble Ăż s 1 e ever seen. It Ă˝ d ating a very palpable sense Ăť and serenity. As Ăż y '()(*+, an amazing success all over beauty Ăş

s starts: ßýe dancers Europe. Dance s e been ÿ e úúÝ Ý .Ý úúÝ t eagerly expecting ý s latest - appear all in - ing. Well ú ÿ s is no disappointú Ý colours and ages alongÝ wit two ÿ r cute little girls. From ÿ n on and ment in t it goes a step n La Tristeza until ßýe end Alain Platel stages Complice. : ßýe interactions between It's called Lets op . It's in /012 3 ú n beings 4 e in a group ÿ e same vein wit a mix o Þ all sorts 56789:;<7=; Ý . > and 4 ÿ . o arts: Ý s music played by Ýa Ý e is suc a strong sense o Þ pasgroup o Þ t musicians ÿ e

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sion in ÿ s guy's work. ýe emotion is so present in ßýe way ßýe Ý dancers move: ÿ y are complete ú

actors. I e rarely seen suc .Ý ú 3Ý Ý cinating y seem to úúÝ Ý . g in ÿ r own souls. be ýe Þ?r scenes at times are 4 Ý Ý example @ n ÿ y all start dancing on "One o Þ us" sung by Prince led by a very tall black man ú in drag. A BC DEFG D comic is never r away H it always depicts ßýe saddest ÿ Ý e desperation ÿ e people are ÿIJJKLMN O ßýe lack o Þ communication ú ÿ e loneliness. Platel @ s 4 e as it is: an endless isolated struggle. At ú one point ßýe r women end up screaming political slogans at ßýe ú ÝúÝ audience wit a very ú Ýú y ence to P i Annan Q e letting a little girl say: "yo quiero a todo el

THE C A N O N PHOTOGRAPHY GALLERY The Victoria & Albert Museum Ăť

Þ?r us Helen inventions: ßýe Frenc Daguerreo. Ý k y Xle recreated s m ýe Oval Court". It is type an image on -@ 4 d metal and ßýe Englis counterpart @ extremely interesting to look at . . úúÝ Ý . Ý ú was to become ÿ y as we very - t but. quite 4. . Ý@ ÿ n ýe know it (witú c ßýe idea o Þ a "nega- Using a Canon tive"). ýe t steps seem to be s made a cycle out o Þ several ú Ý %$ opq r !& !s t& s in - úúÝ Ý t positions quite d on landscapes and Ý ú buildings and ÿ n quite a Þ dw pic- including little animals and ÿ. It úÝÝ tures o Þ ßýe colonies mainly India. 4s likes ýdr interpretation o Þ u vw t it is to be a woman. Finally e interests o Þ ÿ e Victorian era.... úúÝ Ý d some o Þ ßýe most . . e TAs Ý we progress in time ßýe we are ÿ Q t gets more interesting and recent ideas in ú 3 s names like Carrier-Besson including a return to ÿ e sources by Ý M a n Ray and Bill Brandt begin to Adam Fuss. He uses primary ÿ appear developing very personal niques wit a 20t century twist to Ý 3Ý s wit apparition o Þ ßýe it. David Hockney demonstrates ÿ . T Ý model as Q t o Þ beauty and way ÿ e. possibilities o Þ mixingÝ ÿ Ý ú painting and ÿ o experimenting (a Q ÿ l por- úÝ y and Ýe Ýare a Ý w ÿ r original ÿ s ÿ . trait o Þ Lee Miller). ýe pre-war Ý Ý ú Ý

to e now convinced n all ÿ r 4 4 ÿ ÿ e V&A e days also .bring a .more political 3 IÝ seem Ý e wit pice 4ú úÿÝr all ÿ t ÿ s gallery is been saying ÿ y own "one o Þ aspect toú ÿ ú Ý t ÿ Ý e would tures o a s s continued Þ f ý very good. 1 ÿ .t collections iÞ ßýe art ú Ý .ÿ e Ý s o Þ ÿ s be muc more. e will be ÿ ÿ y in ßýe world". So to be one o Þ ÿ e many VWW 1 went to Ý k ÿ s big state- art: ÿ Ý e is a very emotional . ÿ o ing new ú r most people but it's still . girl and a @ ÿ e boy nice to e 140 years o Þ ÿ ment out. M y expectations were o Ýa black Ý ú . ÿ r in Sout f a taken in y in suc a small place. s is very and I ý d imagined I was ÿ Ý X 1964 by David Goldblatt. a great addition to ßýe art scene .in going to see ßý e most Q ÿ ÿ g . ú Ý e and we can only ÿ s I ý d ever display o Þ seen. ÿ r into London e 70's go even Ý e will be plenty more later. Well I must admit ÿ t I was a ÿ e experimental vein wit an ÿ little disappointed by ßýe @ 4e amazing portrait o Þ Francis Bacon D. Ý YZ[\]^ 4ÿ ÿ e is some great úby g hi n Deakin. It is also time Þ?r ú Ý ú @ . e gallery 44 @ s ßýe ÿ r explorations into n art _`ab on . . ÿ t steps o Þ y as early wit people like David Bailey. In ßýe Ýj as 1839 up to ßýe latest cutting last rooms o Þ ßýe Q ÿ ßýe

edge ideas by artists suc as Adam V&A seems to e concentrated Ý ú l Fuss. ýe "New Art"" room exposmore on ßý e odd and @ 3 T . . ÿ c ÿ s made in ßýe past decade. es ßýe two r

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mundo". (I love everyone) úÝ e dancers are absolutely Ý per. ÿ ßýe ideas in ßýe y so inventive. ýe singing and music work very well wit ÿ . Platel ý s created a piece wit extraordinary impact R bot visually and emotionally making us laug and cry watc in disgust and admiration. He is a true artist one o Þ ÿ t rare kind S like ÝT Maurice ÿ U ý o can make dance exciting and innovative @ ÿ n our context yet Ý giving ý s ideas suc space to Q ÿ eÝ and to mature. IÞ you weren't ÿ e last Ý week ÿ n do look out Þ?r Platel's next visit to London. s is not pretentious and inaccessible 3Ý art. ÿ g Anyone wit úúÝ Ý a taste Þ?r a little - t will love it. D.

MATERIAL WORLD Science Museum aterials may sound like J% #1 ßýe most boring course I ^ / 1 on Eart x and one can only take so muc talk about conĂş crete Ăť jm Civil Engineers but ßýe latest Q Ăż n in ßýe Science Museum is o Ăž genuine relevance to every degree discipline. O n w are some stunning examples o Ăž yz{|} couture using Ăż e latest arti~ €  l materials including a dress Ăş made m a plastic wit ßýe properties o Ăž paper part o Ăž a Xcollection T commissioned Ăž?r . MotorĂş Ăť bike - s will be surprised to see Ăť Ăť Ăż e racing 4 Ăş Ăż s Ăż t protected m a 1 OOmp cras Carl Fogarty during ßýe World Super Bike trials Ăż you do need to look closeúú Ăť . s ßýe ly to spot ßýe .‚ most visually striking ƒ„…†‡†ˆ‰ @ will make it into Ăż e next edition o Ăž Ăż e Guinness Book o Ăž Records is a giant molecular model o Ăž diamond. It is intriguing Ăż t as you e viewing angle moire patterns play Ăş Ăť over ßýe more a work o Ăž art . Ăż n science. Finally I truly e Ăż t ßýe Ăż eŠúÝÝ 4y Ăť j Q Ăż giving comparisons between natural and man made materials does n't get ßýe animal Ăż s lobby too Ăť excited. It only looks like Ăż e C otters wort

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PC H A R D W A R E REVIEW

SIDEWINDER FORCE FEEDBACK PRO t

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ln ´ µ¶s world ´ µ e are ¹ º»¼´ ¶ s and ´ µ· n ´ µ· ¸e are ¹ º»¼´ ¶½ ¾s like ´ µ¶s one. At £130 pounds it is probably ´ µe most expensive single stick package available. ¿ y so expensive? Is it gold plated? Will it make · · games easier to play? Well À ¶´ µ r but e µ¶Àt is in e title. ¿ e ´ µe Nintendo and e Playstation Á ¶Ãy on controllers vibrate away µ Æ batteries Ä Å n you get t or ¼ µºº t · È at ¼º Ç ´ µ¶À É ´ µ¶s caged tiger plugs ½ directly into e mains. e ¹ º»¼´ ¶ k ·Ê· ¸ responds to pretty muc µ »´ µ¶Àg and ´ µ¶s is ¼ µºË n in e demon· stration games. One o ´ µ ¼ e games É Interstate '76 - e 'Mad Max'-style car war driving game É Î responds not only to Ì Í t weapon ¸¶Àg and Ì ÍÎ t weapon is you are Ï ¶ oÏ grip you experience iÏ you corner ÐÑÒÑÓ Î g upon you É but Ì Í t road con- too quickly. It does not make e ditions are and slope you are game easier by any means É being driving on. It also reacts to e loss ¹ º ô · d as you attempt to make a

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precision ¼ µº t ´ µ ºÔ µ e side window o your car is almost Á impossible on À»´ µ¶Àg but e · ¼ Ǻº´ µ ¼ t o roads. ¿ t it does is

provide e same experience you ¸ would expect Ï º m an arcade game. Á È Don't worry ´ µ t you Ƕ µt Ö× · Õ e invested money on ¼º Ç ´ µ¶Àg ´ µÁt will not work r Á À»´ µ¶Àg else É ÁÊ ¸ Ø most o your Ï ºÔ ¶´ e games e Á at least some controls ´ µ t can be responded to. X-wing Vs TieÚ Ù ÛÜÝÞß was brilliant as your Ï¶È µ´·r bucks and reponds to e world around you. But 1 suppose e big £130 question É is it wort µ it? As a toy yes as a gamers tool no. For ´ µe same money you can buy some È ¸Á µ¶½ s µÁ ¸à serious sound and ½ ·Á ½ ware and a µ p £20-30 ¹ º»¼´ ¶ k Á ´ µ t will control e same games. But I've already got a good enoug µ È ¸Á  µ¶½ s and sound card. I ´ µ¶Àk it's a µºº´ É an expensive pointless µºº t · ¸ µÁ Âs ´ µÁ ´á s e point. Gary

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24 June

998

53

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PC 2 D & 3 D G R A P H I C S H A R D W A R E

MORE GAMES

VIPER 330 Diamond Multimediaç £69 it it

In t h e d a r k d i s t a n t p a s t P C s b l e e p e d their w a y t h r o u g h l o w - r e s o l u t i o n g a m e s . First the s o u n d c a r d removed the bleeping and a d d e d F M m u s i c ; m i l l i o n s of s o u n d c a r d s w e r e t h e n s o l d . N e x t high r e s o l u tion g r a p h i c s c a r d s a l l o w e d us t o play g a m e s w i t h d e c e n t g r a p h i c s . N o w the 3 D a c c e l e r a t e d g r a p h i c s card s e e m t o be f o l l o w i n g the s a m e path as g a m e s start t o d e m a n d a 3D card. These graphics cards c o m e in t w o m a i n g r o u p s , t h e p u r e 3 D accelerator c a r d s a n d the m o r e general 2D/3D c a r d s . The difference b e t w e e n t h e t w o g r o u p s c a n generally be c o m p a r e d t o the difference b e t w e e n o w n i n g a s p o r t s car or a h o t h a t c h b a c k . Everyone k n o w s that a s p o r t s car will generally beat t h e hatchback, but the hatchback is s o m e t h i n g y o u c a n use e v e r y d a y . S o h a t c h b a c k test n u m b e r o n e , t h e V i p e r 3 3 0 . Is it P e u g e o t 3 0 6 G t i or M G m e t r o turbo? The V i p e r 3 3 0 is p o w e r e d by a

128bit N V I D I A Riva 128 w i t h a 2 3 0 M H z R A M D A C - impressive specifications. The 4MB onboard m e m o r y a l l o w s y o u t o run r e s o l u t i o n s o f 1 6 0 0 x 1 2 0 0 at 6 5 , 0 0 0 c o l o u r s at a high refresh rates 8 5 H z . T he 2 D p e r f o r m a n c e is not e s p e c i a l l y fast c o m p a r e d for 2 D cards. However, PC Magazine's t e s t s s h o w e d that it is w i t h i n 12% of t h e 2D/3D leader, the M a t r o x M i l l e n i u m II. This c a r d t h o u g h is not o p t i m i z e d for the g r a p h i c a l " s c h o o l run a n d s h o p p i n g t r i p " but it is t h e 3 D p e r f o r m a n c e w h e r e t h e c a r d is serio u s l y g o o d . The i m a g e quality is a l m o s t u p t o 3 D f x level (the current t o p sportster) a n d t h o u g h there w e r e the o d d incorrect p o l y g o n clipping errors, they were not e n o u g h t o irritate. It d o e s n ' t s u p p o r t G l i d e (the l o w - l e v e l interface s u p p o r t e d by 3 D f x c a r d s a n d u s e d in m a n y g a m e s ) but is able t o run s o m e o p e n G L (ie. quake) a n d all D i r e c t X (ie. T o m b raider 2) g a m e s ,

G A M E REVIEW

M E N IN BLACK

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TREASURES OF THE DEEP

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PC / Playstation DO StdTS W i t h , I believe, the slimmest exceptions of Batman, Indiana Jones a n d the Last C r u s a d e a n d the o d d Star W a r s titles, g a m e s under film licences are u n a d u l t e r a t e d , i n d e f e n s i b l e slurry. Et, quelle surprise, here w e are w i t h M e n in Black. M a y b e this w o u l d be the o n e ? T he m o u l d breaker? C o u l d S o u t h p e a k Interactive be the o n e s t o pull M e n in Black o u t of the cesspool? Well, no. It all l o o k e d b a d f r o m the start; very slick m e n u s y s t e m , e x p e n s i v e TV adverts, M i B c a r t o o n influences in the intro s e q u e n c e ; just not what y o u ' d want. A n d then the g a m e . Y o u (Will Smith) investigate a break-in a N e w York apartment building. A t least y o u d o w h e n y o u p e r s u a d e y o u r at fuck-utterly badly a n i m a t e d irritation of a character t o p o i n t in the right d i r e c t i o n at the door handle. Progressing through the d o o r , y o u are g r e e t e d by the p i s s - p o o r s a m p l e " S o m ' i n tells m e this m u s ' be d a place". A n d that is the best in the g a m e . The o b j e c tive, I learn, is t o kill the b a d d i e s a n d d i s a r m the b o m b . A h y e s , a fight s c e n e . I w a s l o o k i n g f o r w a r d

t o this. There are t w o w a y s of scrapping, both dreadful to c o n trol, o n e b e i n g ' s t a n d still a n d kick t h e m in the shins until they d i e ' a n d t h e other b e i n g s h o o t i n g t h e m f r o m l o n g range (you m i s s f r o m a n y t h i n g shorter t h e n a b o u t six feet). E n e m i e s have n o intelligence whatsoever, running straight towards you and crouching, p u n c h i n g badly in t h e d i r e c t i o n t h e y c r o u c h e d in, a l l o w i n g e v e n the least e x p e r i e n c e d g a m e r t o run b e h i n d t h e m a n d b o o t t h e m u p the arse. The a n i m a t i o n - m e n t i o n e d b e f o r e - is astonishingly b a d . W h e n the character j u m p s it is a n u n d i s g u i s e d rehash of the w a l k i n g

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D i v i n g suits, sharks, s u b m a r i n e s a n d really excellent 3 D g r a p h i c s . a n d run t h e m at s p e e d . Even o n a T r e a s u r e s f r o m t h e D e e p has P e n t i u m 120 r e s o l u t i o n c h a n g e s pretty m u c h e v e r y t h i n g i n c l u d i n g d i d n ' t really c o m p r o m i s e the high e x c e l l e n t strategy/action gameframe rates. T o m b Raider 2 w a s play. A s a navy seal y o u have t o tested using resolutions from c o m p l e t e a series of missions 3 2 0 x 2 0 0 to 8 0 0 x 6 0 0 . from the shallows of the C a r i b b e a n u s i n g w e t suits a n d W h e r e the V i p e r 3 3 0 has a real chariots t o the d e e p s e a antics of e d g e is in p r i c e . A t the s u b - £ 1 0 0 the Arctic o c e a n s . Fortunately level it beats the other 2D/3D c a r d s d e c o m p r e s s i o n s i c k n e s s is not a h a n d s d o w n , m a k i n it a n affordable feature as y o u s o o n a f f o r d p r o p e r hot h a t c h b a c k . A t this p r i c e it a l s o s u b s . A g a i n s t y o u , the d e n i z e n s of c o m p e t e s against t h e o l d e r pure 3 D c a r d s . H e r e t h e car a n a l o g y is | t h e d e e p , a l o n g w i t h a n a r m y of divers a n d their s u b m a r i n e s . O n back again - w h i l e e v e r y o n e w o u l d y o u r s i d e y o u r basic w e a p o n , a love a s p o r t s car o n their drive spear g u n m i g h t s e e m a bit w e t , s o m e t i m e s y o u r h e a d has t o rule but s o o n y o u will be b u y i n g nets, y o u r heart a n d y o u buy t h e hott o r p e d o e s a n d h o m i n g m i s s i l es t o hatch b e c a u s e it is a l m o s t perfect. e v e n the o d d s . Take t o o m a n y torA n y w a y y o u c a n a l w a y s buy that p e d o e s or air t h o u g h a n d y o u s p o r t s car later a n d s o t o o w i t h the have n o extra c a p a c i t y for b o n u s pure 3 D c a r d . õ treasure f o u n d near w r e c k s but Gary ñòóô take t o o little a n d y o u are shark bait. T he g r a p h i c s are c r i s p , a n d the distance fogging removes m o s t of t h e nasty p o p - u p events. The fish a n d sharks also s h o w a n i m a t i o n m o v e d linearly u p w a r d s s o m e intelligence (or lack of it). then downwards, with normal Fish t e n d t o m i n d their o w n b u s i gravitic m o t i o n effects a b a n d o n e d ness w h i l e sharks are a t t r a c t e d by m e r c i l e s s l y. M a k i n g use of anyb l o o d - either y o u r s or s o m e o n e t h i n g requires c a m p a r m - w a v i n g e l s e ' s . S o d o n the w e t suit a n d for several s e c o n d s in t h e vague snare, s h o o t a n d m a i m but a v o i d d i r e c t i o n of the object like K e n n e t h the e n d a n g e r e d s p e c i e s b e c a u s e Williams chastising a small child they're n o t b i g or clever. w i t h a light slap a r o u n d the ear. õ But less funny. The p u z z l e s are not Gary ñòóô e v e n slightly c h a l l e n g i n g , relying exclusively o n a d r a b c o m b i n a t i o n of tricks a n d o h - s o o b v i o u s clues, after the first c o u p l e of g l i t c h e s . T o and suffering from the dreaded give a little bit of credit, the artf i n d - t h e - p i x e l d i s e a s e . I'm afraid w o r k o n the b a c k g r o u n d s w a s w e l l that s e e m e d incurable. The i n t e n executed, notably the competent t i o n a l " h u m o u r " is s t r e t c h e d at a n d stylish vistas a n d m o v i e - f a i t h best, the u n i n t e n t i o n a l m o r e s o ful a t t e n t i o n t o d e t a i l . The p o i n t of v i e w , a Resident Evil style third p e r s p e c t i v e w a s a g o o d i d e a for t h e g a m e , but t h e e f f e c t w a s s p o i l e d by slightly o b t u s e c a m e r a angles. Y o u c a n c h a n g e c h a r a c t e r s o n c e y o u ' v e c o m p l e t e d t h e first level a n d are i n d o c t r i n a t e d in the M i B , but it d o e s n ' t c h a n g e the g a m e p l a y a t o u c h . Y o u are still a badly a n i m a t e d , w i t l e s s a n d infuriatingly s t u p i d figure, be y o u a thin black m a n (Smith), a s t o c k y w h i t e m a n ( T o m m y Lee Jones), or a p o o r l y p i x e l a t e d a n d overly w i d e female (apparently Linda Fiorentino).

in

A c o m p l e t e w a s t e of t i m e , m o n e y a n d l i c e n c e . A r s e , arse, arse. Jon Trout

w o kids w e r e p l a y i n g w i t h a rubber ball. T h ey w e r e s t a n d i n g o u t s i d e a hi-fi s h o p , it w a s w i n t e r , c o l d &. c r i s p , u s u a l w i n t e r stuff. O n e of the kid s c a u g h t t h e ball a n d t h r e w it h a r d at t h e g r o u n d t o w a r d s his f r i e n d . H e w a s o n t h e p a v e m e n t a n d it w a s f r o z e n s o l i d , t h e ball b o u n c e d high off t h e s h e e t black ice, a c r o s s the front of the s h o p .

T

T he s h o p w a s like m a n y o f t h e b r e e d scatt e r e d a r o u n d L o n d o n . S m a l l , c r a m p e d but w e l l lit a n d w i t h e n o u g h s t o c k t o fill a s u p e r m a r k e t . A n d it w a s by s u p e r m a r k e t rules it o p e r a t e d , w e l l the c h e a p o n e s a n y w a y . T he o w n e r w a s a M r Skanket. A short, b r o w n fat m a n . Dark eyes, p i e r c i n g , n o bullshit sort. H e k n e w a l m o s t n o t h i n g a b o u t hi-fis, in fact b e f o r e c o m i n g into o w n e r s h i p of this p r o p e r t y he w o r k e d s e l l i n g w i n d o w s , w h i c h he w a s equally g o o d at. W h a t he really k n e w a b o u t w a s p e o p l e , he k n e w , as y o u say, w h a t m a k e s t h e m tick. Particularly he k n e w a b o u t t h e English. The English he l o v e d , he m i g h t h a v e b e e n English h i m self or A s i a n , it d i d n ' t m a t t e r . H e w a s a different b r e e d . W h a t he l o v e d a b o u t the English a n d particularly t h e o l d e r ' m o r e English' g e n e r a t i o n w a s their p o l i t e n e s s , their m a n n e r s a n d their m a n n e r i s m s . A n E n g l i s h m a n if he is a g e n t l e m a n c a n ' t s a y 'bullshit' w h e n y o u tell h i m s o m e s e c o n d rate p i e c e o f junk , s e c o n d h a n d in a car b o o t sale is t h e latest t e c h n o l o g y . A n E n g l i s h m a n will s a y 'really, is that s o ? ' a n d d o his best t o believe. H e k n o w s h e ' s b e i n g r i p p e d off, he k n o w s y o u are g o i n g as s l o w l y as p o s s i b l e , m a k i n g h i m w a s t e y o u r t i m e , but t o c o n t r a d i c t y o u w o u l d be i m p o l i t e . It w o u l d break that c o d e w h i c h he hangs his w h o l e life o n . If y o u s w e a r , say 'shit' or ' f u c k ' or e v e n ' y o u s t u p i d arse w i p e , get a life, g o get l a i d , d o s o m e t h i n g . For f u c k s sake s t o p p r e t e n d i n g y o u ' r e s o g o d d a m n e d self c o n t r o l l e d . ' H e ' l l say ' H o l d o n a m i n u t e , d o n ' t y o u d a r e use that sort of language o n m e ' . A n d s t o r m o u t . H o w e v e r p l a y by t h e rules, l o o s e l y m a y b e but g o by t h e m a n d y o u ' l l b e fine. Fine, fine, f i n e .

S o it w a s u n s u r p r i s i n g w h e n t h e m i d d l e a g e d , w e a t h e r b e a t e n , pink, thin t o the p o i n t o f w a s t e d , b a l d i n g w i t h w h i t e hair s w e p t a c r o s s , half m o o n e d g l a s s e s , o l d t w e e d s u i t e d m a n p e e r e d t h r o u g h t h e g l a s s , M r Skanket w a s p l e a s e d t o s e e h i m . M r Skanket s h o w e d his g r a t i t u d e by s t a r t i n g t o scribble n u m b e r s o n a p a d in front of h i m . The bell r a n g l o u d l y a n d M r Skanket l o o k e d u p . The m a n l o o k e d f r o m t h e o p e n d o o r , into the s h o p k e e p e r s eyes, for a full half s e c o n d a n d t h e n q u i c k l y l o o k e d d o w n . E m b a r r a s s e d he s t a r t e d t o w o r k his w a y a r o u n d the s h o p . T h e re w a s n ' t far t o g o s o the s h o p k e e p e r w a i t e d for t h e inevitable . T he m a n l o o k e d u p , p e r h a p s t o see s o m e of t h e p r o d u c t s m o r e t h a n a f o o t a b o v e the g r o u n d , but he l o o k e d u p a n d c a u g h t M r S k a n k e t ' s e y e . B o t h of them. "Can

I help y o u sir?" H e put d o w n

p a p e r s firmly.

24 June

O

54

the

"Err. W e l l . Y e s . . . U m . 1 h o p e that y o u c a n d o that" he l a b o u r e d it o u t . Tittering n e r v o u s ly at the e n d . M r Skanket a n s w e r e d fiercely, " D o w h a t ? W h a t c a n I d o for y o u ? " This t h r e w the c u s t o m e r . H e w a s n ' t that o l d , m a y b e senility struck early in his family. H e tittere d a g a i n . T h e n w i t h a n o t h e r burst of c o u r a g e , "It's for m y sister, she w r i t e s p o e m s a n d I'm l o o k i n g for a n organiser for her. A n e l e c t r o n i c o n e , n o t t o o e x p e n s i v e . . . " H e trailed off into s i l e n c e . The store k e e p e r g o t off his s t o o l a n d w a l k e d stiffly a r o u n d t h e c o u n t e r . "I s h o w y o u w h a t I have g o t . " H e p a s s e d c l o s e t o the c u s t o m e r , s t a n d i n g by e a c h o t h e r the o l d m a n d e s p i t e his s t o o p s t o o d a g o o d f o o t taller. Inspite o f this he s e e m e d t o have n o p r e s e n c e at all. T o hardly take u p a n y r o o m in the s h o p . H e s h u f f l e d m i s -

998

w i d e s c r e e n , W i n d o w s . " T he c u s t o m e r f r o w n e d a n d m a d e a w e a k a t t e m p t at l o o k i n g stern. "This isn't right, I n e e d a n organiser. A n d w o u l d y o u kindly sell m e o n e or 1 will leave the s h o p . " M r Skanket l o o k e d t i r e d . "This is a n organiser. S e e . " W i t h a fat finger he t y p e d ' W I N ' o n t o t h e s c r e e n . W i n d o w s duly appeared. " N o w , p u t y o u r finger o n t h e p a d a n d t h e p o i n t e r h e r e . " T he m a n l o o k e d r e d but t h i n finger o n t o t h e black roller p a d . The k e e p e r c l i c k e d the b u t t o n for h i m a n d organiser p r o g r a m w a s l o a d e d .

move put a store some

"There, s e e . " T he c u s t o m e r m u t t e r e d m u t e ly but M r Skanket w a s n o t g o i n g t o be s t o p p e d now, " Y o u say y o u r sister writer p o e t r y , w e l l l o o k . Look." H e l o a d e d the w o r d processor. " M o d e r n t e c h n o l o g y . Isn't it w o n d e r f u l . " "That it m a y b e , " t h e v i c t i m m u t t e r e d , "but h o w a m I t o a f f o r d it?" " Y o u w a n t t o k n o w the p r i c e ? " "Yes. That w o u l d be g o o d of y o u . " M r Skanket i g n o r e d the a n s w e r a n d l o o k e d into the b o x . " L e t m e s h o w y o u this first. W i t h it y o u get t h i s . " H e p u l l e d o u t an instruction m a n u a l . "I g i v e this t o y o u free, o t h ers w o u l d n ' t . I d o . A n d this, here is t h e battery, ' l o n g lasting' a s p e c i a l model." T he m a n l o o k e d a w a y , p e r h a p s for m e a n s of e s c a p e . H e l o o k e d at his watch. "For y o u 1200 p o u n d s . " The b l o t c h y m a n l o o k e d d o w n a n d half stepped away. "I really m u s t be g o i n g n o w . Its late a n d surely y o u s h o u l d shut y o u r shop." "I k e e p it o p e n for y o u . 1 2 0 0 p o u n d s . W h a t is w r o n g ? Is it t h e p r i c e ? " But t h e m a n d r a g g e d himself a w a y . "I m u s t g o . " "Just tell m e . Y o u d o n ' t like t h e

erably as M r Skanket ro lled a r o u n d h i m a n d bent d o w n t o o p e n o n e of t h e glass c a s e s . H e r e a c h e d inside a n d p u l l e d o u t a large b o x f r o m m a n y s t a c k e d in a helter-skelter p a t t e r n , g i v i n g the i m p r e s s i o n of a m o n k e y ' s a t t e m p t at Tetris. H e l a b o u r e d t h e b o x back a c r o s s t h e s h o p t o his d e s k . The retch s h u f f l e d a r o u n d k e e p i n g his e y e s o n t h e p r o p r i e t o r at all t i m e s . " H e r e , this is w h a t 1 have for y o u " , he s a i d s h a k i n g the p e r s o n a l c o m p u t e r f r o m its f o a m p r i s o n . The m a n s t a m m e r e d , " I ' m n o t sure y o u u n d e r s t a n d m e , t h a t ' s far too much." "This! This. T o o m u c h . Let m e s h o w y o u . " T he o l d m a n o p e n e d his m o u t h t o p r o t e s t , t h e n c l o s e d it again. T he s t o r e k e e p e r f o u n d t h e c a t c h a n d o p e n e d t h e lid of t h e l a p t o p . T he t h i n g c a m e o n with a bleep. N o doubt surprising both m e n equally. H e t u r n e d the m a c h i n e s o it f a c e d the s h r i n k i n g c u s t o m e r o n the other s i d e of t h e desk. " H e r e . " H e read from the box. "Personal computerised, Pentium processor, 60 M H z ,

price?" T he m a n s h u f f l e d a bit. "It is rather a l o t . " "I tell y o u w h a t . " H e p i c k e d a b o x of d i s k s off t h e c o u n t e r . "I give y o u t h e s e . I t h r o w t h e m in. W o r t h 2 0 p o u n d s . B u y t o d a y . I'm in a g o o d m o o d . I g i v e y o u 10% off t o o , ÂŁ 1 0 0 0 . H o w a b o u t it?" T he m a n r e t u r n e d t o t h e c o u n t e r . "It's man."

really t o o

m u c h . I'm not a

wealthy

" W e l l m a y b e w e c a n m a k e a d e a l . It's t o o m u c h y o u say. Y o u r sister like m u s i c . See, C D R O M a t t a c h m e n t . It c a n play m u s i c . " "She loves m u s i c . " " Y o u w a n t a C D R O M . I get y o u o n e " H e walked purposely across the s h op and returned w i t h a n o t h e r box. " C D R O M n o r m a l l y ÂŁ 5 0 0 p o u n d s , w i t h the c o m p u t e r o n l y ÂŁ 2 0 0 . " The c u s t o m e r w a t c h e d , a l m o s t r o o t e d t o t h e s p o t , w h i l e the c h a r a d e of s e t t i n g u p the d i s k m a n t o o k p l a c e . M r Skanket p r e s s e d play a n d tinny Strauss f l o a t e d o u t of the m a c h i n e a n d across the s h o p . The m a n was visibly impressed.

24 June 1998

T W O SHORT STORIES

" G o s h , " he i n c r e a s e d his s t o o p a n d p r e s s e d his face t o w a r d s the s c r e e n . " A n d y o u say y o u can write o n i t . " " Y o u c a n i n d e e d , Sir."

f f

w t's all a c o m p l e t e d i s a s t e r . " I'm b e l j l o w i n g hysterically d o w n t h e p h o n e . B r i d g e t ' s c o n c i l i a t o r y . "Its

The m a n t a p p e d a finger tentatively t o w a r d s it, p r e s s i n g a key. The m u s i c s t o p p e d . " O h G o d , " the m a n m o c k e d w i t h a f o r c e d levity, "I h o p e I haven't b r o k e n it. " M r Skanket played along, " O h n o sir, h e r e . " The m u s i c s t a r t e d .

55

not that

bad.

N o t h i n g that h a p p e n s t o y o u it is T H A T b a d . " "It is. A n d it's w o r s e . " I e x c l a i m w i l d l y . "She hates m e a n d w i t h g o o d r e a s o n . She hates m e c o s I'm s t u p i d a n d c o s I'm a c r a p shag."

in the v o i c e n o w , M r Skanket t o o k u p a large calculator that inhabited his b e n c h a n d t y p e d n u m b e r s into it. " I ' m in a g o o d m o o d t o d a y . It's C h r i s t m a s after a l l . " H e caught t h e c u s t o m e r s eye. " W i t h t h e C D R O M a n d disks £ 1 3 5 0 . C a s h , e x c l u d i n g VAT." The o l d m a n l o o k e d at his h a n d s . "I'll give you £ 1 0 0 0 . A n d y o u can keep those." H e p o i n t e d t o the d i s k s . T he store k e e p e r l o o k e d h e a v e n w a r d . " O n e t h o u s a n d . It c o s t m e m o r e than that. M y l o w e s t offer £ 1 2 5 0 , that's £ 1 0 0 off."

activity

for

me

and

Brigit.

G o d m y sister's s t u p i d ; I s h o u l d never take any p r o b l e m s t o her. She a l w a y s has a really o b v i o u s e x p l a n a t i o n that leaves m e feeling trivial a n d silly. O r w o r s e she just tells m e s o m e t h i n g a h u n d r e d t i m e s w o r s e that h a p p e n e d t o her t h e d a y b e f o r e . D o n ' t get m e w r o n g , I m e a n I love her t o d e a t h a n d every-

I c a n ' t talk t o m y parents a b o u t sex. D a d never e v e n g o t as far as t o tell m e a b o u t the birds a n d the b e e s . I d o n ' t q u i t e k n o w w h y not. M a y b e he w a s shy, m o r e likely he just forg o t . H e p r o b a b l y realised I'd get m u c h m o r e intimate k n o w l e d g e t h a n he c o u l d p r o v i d e , c o u r t e s y M r H e f f n e r . I certainly c a n ' t talk t o m y f r i e n d s . T h ey just g i v e a d v i c e o n t h e basis for t h e s i z e of her c l e a v a g e . A n y t h i n g less t h a n 3 4 C . W h a t e v e r it is s h e ' s d o n e (taken m e t o Paris, b o u g h t m e a car), it w a s unforgivable a n d she s h o u l d be d i s p a t c h e d o n t h e first train t o l e t ' s - b e - f r i e n d s l a n d . If t h e y ' r e bigger t h a n a double D she's wonderful and I should put up

t h i n g . It's just I d o n ' t w a n t s o l u t i o n s . 1 just w a n t s o m e s y m p a t h y a n d for her t o tell m e I'm w o n d e r f u l a n d e v e r y o n e else s u c k s .

with anything and everything. Then g o shag her. S o Bridget w a s m y o n l y s o u r c e o f s y m p a thy, sort of.

" M a y b e I'm g a y , " I suggest. That s h o u l d m i x it u p a bit. "That's w h y I h a v e n ' t h a d sex for ages, a n d w h e n I d o I d o n ' t c o m e a n d t h e n wish I hadn't bothered."

" T o m s h e s o u n d s n i c e . W h y d o n ' t talk t o her a b o u t it, let her k n o w y o u r w o r r i e d . " " Y e a h great i d e a ' H e y , R a c h a e l . S h a g g i n g y o u w a s a bit c r a p t h e other night. I w a s t h i n k i n g it w a s b e c a u s e I d o n ' t fancy y o u that m u c h . W h a t d o y o u think?' Slap, d u m p . "

I p a u s e . This is o u t of c o n t r o l .

" A n d h o w m u c h w a s it?" A n o t e of c u n n i n g

normal

W e ' r e t h e t w o y o u n g e s t in a family of four a n d h a v i n g b e e n d e s p i s e d by m y t w o o l d e r a n d eviller sisters - f r o m w h i c h w e stole the limelight, inheritance, c h o c o l a t e biscuits f r o m -has pretty m u c h m a d e us into s o u l mates.

" Y o u h a d o n e b a d s e s s i o n . S o w h a t it h a p p e n s , it h a p p e n s all t h e t i m e . It's h a p p e n e d t o m e o f t e n e n o u g h . P e r h a p s y o u just d o n ' t fancy her.

The m a n r e a c h e d into his t o p p o c k e t a n d quickly p u l l e d o u t his w a l l e t . W i t h the g r i m s m ile of o n e w h o has w o n a battle of wills, h a r d fought. " T w e l v e h u n d r e d a n d fifty it is t h e n , d o y o u accept

cheques?"

The n o d w a s t o the a s c e n t . The frail m a n l a b o u r e d o v e r t h e w r i t i n g , e n d i n g in a

clear

prestigious M r L o c k e r . " I ' m afraid I d o n ' t have a bank c a r d , will an address d o ? " " O f c o u r s e , of c o u r s e . N o w y o u m u s t be g e t t i n g o n . " M r Skanket l o o k e d at his w a t c h sternly. " L o o k at t h e t i m e . " M r L o c k e r after his m o m e n t of g l o r y shrunk back into his s h e l l . "Yes, y e s . I'm s o s o r r y . " "Sure, sure, let m e h e l p y o u w i t h t h e s e . " The s t o r e k e e p e r p i l e d the e q u i p m e n t back in its b o x e s , r e m e m b e r i n g the disks but forgetting t o put the d i s c m a n i n . H e h a n d e d M r L o c k e r the pile a n d b u n d l e d h i m o u t t o w a r d s the d o o r . S o w h e n M r L o c k e r left t h e s h o p . L a d e n s o high w i t h b o x e s he c o u l d hardly s e e t h e p a t h he w a l k i n g o n . H e w a s w e a r i n g a strange s m i l e , a look e v e n of d e e p s a t i s f a c t i o n . P e r h a p s it w a s brought o n by a s u d d e n i n f u s i o n of Yule t i d e spirit, or p e r h a p s t h e s i m p l e p l e a s u r e of s e e i n g c h i l d r e n play brought back m e m o r i e s of his y o u t h . But h a d M r Skanket s e e n it he w o u l d have d e t e c t e d s o m e t h i n g else there, s o m e t h i n g else entirely. T he ball w h i s t l e d t h r o u g h the air a n d hit M r

" T o m y o u h a v e n ' t h a d a ride for y o n k s c o s y o u never m e e t any w o m e n a n d y o u h a d a c r a p s h a g c o s y o u r w i l l y ' s b e e n o u t of use for s o l o n g it's p r o b a b l y f o r g o t t e n w h a t it's ther e for. It p r o b a b l y thinks its a c a r r y i n g h a n d l e , or a pink banana. O r a loofer." " A loofer?" " O k , forget t h e loofer bit." N o w she w a s e n j o y i n g this. Christ I ask for s y m p a t h y a n d just b e c o m e t h e c e n t r e of amusement. " O h , its o k for y o u t o l a u g h . Y o u ' r e a girl, y o u c a n have sex w h e n e v e r y o u w a n t t o . A n d y o u d o n ' t e v e n have t o d o any t h i n g . Y o u just lie t h e r e . "

L o c k e r squarely o n the t o p of his b a l d h e a d .

"That t h e c a s e is it? W h o ' v e y o u sleeping with?"

But he a l w a y s k n e w it, like t h e would bounce.

"Bugge r off, y o u k n o w w h a t I m e a n . B i t c h . I hate her.

cheque,

been "

B e f o r e y o u get all w e i r d o n m e a n d think I'm a s o c i a l d e v i a n t I'd better e x p l a i n . This is

"If y o u ' r e s o smart w h y ask m e a n y t h i n g ? " " W h y indeed y o u big d u m b arse?" " L o o k d o n ' t get arsy w i t h m e , just b e c a u s e y o u c a n ' t p e r f o r m in t h e s a c k " " Y e a h , just b e c a u s e I d o n ' t s p e n d m y w h o l e t i m e h o r i z o n t a l s u r f i ng w i t h every d o l t I meet." " Y o u just w i s h y o u d i d " D o u b l e b i t c h , she h a d a n a n s w e r for e v e r y t h i n g " O k , o k . I'll just e n d it. Say I n e e d t o s p e n d s o m e t i m e by myself. O r alternatively I c o u l d take sex l e s s o n s . " " Y o u c a n have sex l e s s o n s ? Fine take t h e m , just s t o p w i n g e i n g s o m u c h . I'm g o i n g . See you adopted one." "See y o u d r u n k e n m i s t a k e " A n d p e o p l e ask m e w h y m y love life's o n the rocks.

24 June 19 DIVERSIONS FOR THOSE ABOUT THE CAPITAL THIS SUMMER

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Cricket's Coming Home IC SNATCH UNIVERSITY OF LONDON CUP

G

iven that last w e e k the final had been rained off, Tuesdays forecast w a s s c r u tinised by everyone. Surely w e w e r e in luck this t i m e - the TV weather m a p d i d n ' t s h o w a raincloud anyw h e r e in the greater counties. Sadly, Ketley h a d h a d it c o m i n g o u t of his arse again a n d by the t i m e w e g o t t o M o t s p u r park w e n e e d e d a Kayak t o i n s p e c t t h e track. N e v e r the less, after an hour's wait, the flood waters dispersed and Jon (arch negotiator) twisted the u m p i r e s ' a r m s into playing - m u c h t o the d i s a p p o i n t m e n t of Royal H o l l o w a y who were busy w a t c h i n g Neighbours.

24 June 1998

SPORTS

b o w l three overs of c o m p l e t e pies, a n d t h e H o l l o w a y batting stuttered to a half d e c e n t (well pretty pissp o o r , actually) score of 114 all o u t .

Fired u p by an inspiring s p e e c h f r o m the skipper, our o w n innings g o t off t o a questionable start of 5 for 4 , leaving us in the strange p o s i tion of having Jon, Yann, Imran a n d A n d y muster only a single run b e t w e e n them. W i t h the wickets tumbling, the s u p p o r t e r s w a n dering inside to w a t c h the football, the captain busy smashing up the changing r o o m and t h e w h o l e of t h e lower o r d e r hastily p a d d i n g u p disaster s e e m e d inevitable. But Raj, our resident Sri L a n k a n b e e f y bastard g a v e their The early b o w l i n g s o m e heat H o l l o w a y s c o r e c a r d The Joyful cricket captain hold a n d pulled off s o m e made delightful aloft the cup. strokes that h a d t h e r e a d i n g w i t h S teve height a n d d i s t a n c e t o m a k e a Trussels' raw p a c e a n d Ra]s tricky respectable 3-iron look pretty p o o r . s e a m i n g p r o v i n g t o o m u c h for the Raj pulled the t e a m out f r o m the u p p e r order a n d they w e r e r e d u c e d d e p t h s of d e e p e s t d o o - d o o with an t o 2 4 for 3. A successful rear-guard a w e s o m e d i s p l a y of p o w e r - h o u s e a c t i o n w a s s t a g e d by s o m e of the batting. A m e n t i o n also t o Alex w h o H o l l o w a y m i d d l e order big hitters s u p p o r t e d the other e n d of the but o w i n g t o s o m e fine catches w i c k e t with equal style a n d p o w e r , (especially by A n d y , m a n a g i n g t o but w h o w a s very badly d r o p p e d by k e e p his eyes o n the ball as it a m a n in a black velvet shirt s t a n d returned f r o m the u p p e r t r o p o s ing just in front of the s c o r e b o x . phere) a n d to Nigel w h o , with his uncanny ability t o pitch the ball right So the d a y w a s ours, H o l l o w a y in a b a t s m e n ' s gonads, soon skulked off back t o their union (lucky r e d u c e d their batting lineup in n u m bastards) a n d for the fourth t i m e in ber a n d fertility. Things w e r e g o i n g 6 9 years the IC 1 st XI (or as w e call well it s e e m e d until skipper A n d y it n o w , the Raj H o n o u r a r y 1st XI) c a m e o n a n d felt s p o r t i n g e n o u g h t o returned as U L C h a m p i o n s

IMPERIAL QUEERS LIMP (WRISTS ?) HOME Q ' s W a l k i n g C l u b t r a i n i n g for t h e last fixture of the year h a d b e e n I intense right u p t o the b i g d a y o n 7 June. A n e w c o m p e t i t i o n for t h e b o y z a n d grrrls, set o u t t o w i n t h e 10 k m w a l k a n d leave a lasting i m p r e s s i o n . In t h e e n d only the fourth t e a m - T h e Faggy Fourths m a d e it t o t h e starting line. 1

K n o w n previously t o w a l k l o n g distances only in o r d e r t o get that Gaultier shirt for half price, the Faggy Fourths put o n a brave face against a well p r e p a r e d a n d surprisingly g o o d - l o o k i n g o p p o s i t i o n - all 2 5 0 0 of t h e m . T h e e n t h u s i a s m s h o w n at the Royal Festival Hall w a s quickly lost a l o n g The E m b a n k m e n t as b r o k e n c l o u d b e c a m e s h o w e r s . W h a t started as an eager p u s h at The S o u t h Bank b e c a m e a tired d r a g a l o n g The M a l l as spirits s e e m e d t o have been b r o k e n . It b e c a m e clear that the quality of the other t e a m s m e a n t w e w e r e not g o i n g t o w i n . A s the rain set in, a diversion for coffee

The battle for first m e m b e r of The Fourths t o cross the line began. Clear leaders w e r e Skate Grrrl, T o m B o y a n d Bottle B l o n d e , with U L U B o d a n d Butch bringing up the rear. A late spurt f r o m Shorty saw her catch up, while Skate Grrrl a n d Bottle Blonde fell back. Butch returned t o the back of the pack with U L U B o d . Shorty a n d T o m B o y w h e r e the first t w o from The Fourths across the line at Hays Galleria, with U L U B o d a n d Butch finishing w h e r e they had been for m o s t of the walk - at the back. W e d e c i d e d winning w a s not everything, especially as they had m a n a g e d t o raise over ÂŁ 5 0 0 for Crusaid. M a n of The M a t c h went t o Shorty for raising the most money.

Editorial Sports review of the year. H u l l o m y beauties. So what great sporting a c h i e v e m e n t s have w e b e e n gett i n g u p t o this year? W e l l , t o tell y o u the truth, I have n o i d e a . This is b e c a u s e , I'm afraid t o say, that I never b o t h e r e d t o r e a d any of the articles, apart f r o m a cursory glance to see what sport was i n v o l v e d . W h e n it b e c a m e n e c e s sary t o edit the length of articles 1 d i d s o not in any a t t e m p t t o m a i n t a i n their narrative structure, but rather 1 d i d it in s u c h a w a y as t o m a k e the p a g e l o o k aesthetically p l e a s i n g . For the m o s t part 1 d i d this by c r e a t i n g abstract patterns. H o w e v e r if y o u have a c o p y of last w e e k ' s Felix, h o l d it at a r m ' s length a n d stare at it fixedly. After a f e w m i n u t e s y o u s h o u l d be able to make out a rudimentary reprod u c t i o n of L e o n a r d o D a V i n c i ' s Last s u p p e r . Jesus' h e a d is a bit e l o n g a t e d but other t h a n that it's surprisingly a c c u r a t e . " B u t h a n g o n Jake" y o u m a y be s a y i n g (if s o , please refrain f r o m b e i n g s o familiar, it's M r T h o m e t o y o u ) "if y o u c o u l d n ' t be b o t h e r e d t o r e a d any of the articles, w h y d i d y o u b e c o m e s p o r t s e d i t o r in t h e first p l a c e ? " There w e r e t w o r e a s o n s . Firstly in o r d e r t o c h r o n i c l e t h e e x p l o i t s of m y b e l o v e d Rifle a n d Pistol C l u b (as y o u c a n n o t fail t o have noticed) a n d s e c o n d l y t o

M a n of the match, A Rajan (66 not out) makes light of praise.

at Trafalgar Square g u a r a n t e e d our 'Also R a n ' p o s i t i o n but revived lagg i n g spirits. The half-way water a n d s u n s h i n e at H u n g e r f o r d B r i d g e revived tired feet a n d lead t o lashings of c o m p e t i t i v e spirit.

further m y o w n selfish a i m s . A s a n e x a m p l e of the latter r e a s o n , I'd just like t o say that if a n y o n e o u t there fancies g i v i n g m e a job, they're more than w e l c o m e . I w o n ' t insult y o u r intelligence by c l a i m i n g t o b e h a r d w o r k i n g or h o n e s t , but I a m d e s p e r a t e , a n d I'll take a l m o s t a n y t h i n g . But n o w I m u s t c o m e t o the e n d . It is t i m e for m e t o b i d y o u adieu. A poignant moment i n d e e d . If I w e r e a character f r o m N e i g h b o u r s there w o u l d n o w f o l l o w a m o n t a g e s e q u e n c e in w h i c h i m p o r t a n t m o m e n t s of m y life are briefly s h o w n , a c c o m p a n i e d by s o m e s h o c k i n g l y tacky p i e c e of ' p o p ' m u s i c . Sadly I'm not a character f r o m N e i g h b o u r s , I'm a real p e r s o n , of sorts, but never m i n d . I'd like t o finish by t h a n k i n g all t h o s e w h o w e r e kind e n o u g h t o a i d m e o n m y w a y , particularly m y c o l l a b o r a t o r s Niall a n d D a v i d , not t o m e n t i o n m y friends w h o w e r e kind e n o u g h t o p o p in a n d h e l p . I'd a l s o like t o thank all t h o s e w h o c o n t r i b u t e d articles. M a y I say that for the m o s t part y o u r articles w e r e n ' t g o o d as s u c h but they w e r e at least lengthy. Jesus Christ w e r e they lengthy. G o o d b y e forever Jacob. P.S. e v e r y t h i n g I've ever w r i t t e n has b e e n true.

FELIX CONTRIBUTORS

HELPERS A N D FRIENDS

Front t o back. Right to left: Ed Sexton (news, c r o s s w o r d s &. editor elect). Jon Trout (features), Jeremy Thomson (editor). Julia Harries farts;. Danuta Pieter (arts), Clare Ashwin (news f k a r t s ) , Demelza North (arts). David Roberts (news &. film), A l i Campbell (columns). Mark Baker (news, g a m e s &. IT), Dave Cohen (old hack), Andy Thompson (printer extrordinaire). Jake Thorne (sports), Jon Jordan (Another o l d hack), Ivan Chan (photography), Antoine Jeanson ( c o l u m n s & printer), Andy Sinharay (news), Wei Lee (films a n d g a m e s ) .

Notable Absentees: Jason Ramanathan (music), Alok Jha (music), Helena Cocheme (columns), Simon Baker (columns), Tom Deltombes ' p h o t o g raphy), Trevor Morgan (music), Chris Hickey (film), Dennis Patrickson (music &. feature), Will Lorenz (books), Hamish C o m m o n (columns), Kent Yip (news), Andy Ofori (news), Simon Dunsby (decd.)(sport), Starvros (cartoons)Colin Dale ( c o l u m n s ) . Alick Sethi (music), Tony Ofori (news). Milen (music), And many more. M y sincere thanks to e v e r y o n e w h o has m a d e a c o n t r i b u t i o n , h o w ever s m a l l , this year - E d . P h o t o : Robin Riley.

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