RUTGERS ANNOUNCES CREATION OF NEW RIZZOLOGY CLASS

BY: LONELY REPORTER CURRENTLY STUDYING FOR THE FIRST EXAM

Jonathan Holloway, the President of Rutgers University, announced the creation of a Rizzology class.

“Over the winter break, I have worked tirelessly with other administrators to ensure students are prepared to enter the real world. Seeing the significant lack of Rizz amongst the student body is disappointing; I intend to address this issue personally, with a new class.”

The class, titled Rizzology 101, is being offered by the engineering department. Holloway explained the decision; “those bitchless sad-sacks need to learn that a 4.0 is not a replacement for character, or social skills, or a personality, or…hopefully the new rizzology course will

TIGHT! TIGHT! TIGHT! YEAH!.

shortage and ADHD medicine becoming more accessible to patients, the rules of how it can be prescribed changed at the start of the pandemic, and now you have a recipe for disaster.”

Wright continues, “My brotherin-law works for the DEA, and he told me that they decided to not increase the production quota for 2023 because they claim that the manufacturers haven’t met their quota”.

Professor Wright was kind enough to invite The Medium to his personal lab, although he requested that we not take pictures or eat any of the blue rock candy present in the lab. Lab safety was of the utmost importance and teach them how to crush major prostate/puss.” The class would cover many rizz related topics including: how to shower and actually get rid of that “gamer juice” smell, a study on how frequently one should shave/groom, and a instructional WikiHow telling you where and when it is appropriate to talk to people you may be interested in (hint: not the gym. Please god stop hitting on people in the gym. They don’t like it.) Rather than using a normal A through F grading system, the course would use a pass/fail system where students would receive either a “W” or “L”. Students coming into class on the first day were surprised to find that the professor was Jonathan “RUScrew” Holloway, who proudly proclaimed he would teach them to fuck like he fucks over unions on campus. Meanwhile, detractors claim the only warm and wet thing Holloway would know about is the bench he warmed while playing college football. The university president refuted these claims by catching a game winning pass while balls deep in the course’s T.A., Sir Henry himself.

The Medium’s correspondents were required to wear yellow full body protective gear as well as airtight respirators. Wright stated, “I am really lucky to have access to this lab. I've been doing research to make an Adderall substitute that will also make me some money on the side”. When questioned about the legality of creating an Adderall substitute, Wright assured us that everything he is doing is “fine” and that he has a “great lawyer”. When pressed further about why he was making rock candy in his lab and not at home, the professor mumbled under his breath and then requested that we leave the premises.

While the wide Rutgers student body is praising the new class, The Medium editorial staff believes that this move by President Holloway is a sad attempt to get Rutgers' rating in U.S. News Best Colleges higher. Our former treasurer said, “By artificially increasing the rankings of Rutgers through the introduction of this bogus class, Rutgers is pushing the real problems it faces to the background. Rutgers should address its teaching staff's poor working conditions, the lack of women in STEM related majors, and the unfortunately low amount of transparency in regards to sport department funding.” Holloway responded to this statement with, "Shut the fuck up, nerd."

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Brendan Haas

Najaah Yousef

Long-Island Medium

Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom

Faith McNaughton

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Jade Zack

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John Mahoney

Kristina Patel

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The Voices

Top 26 Rizz Puns

By: Hugh Janus

1. First Rizzponder

2. Chrizz Brown

3. Cellular Rizzpiration

4. Cuban Rizzle Crisis

5. Rizz Khalifa

6. Call me Jesus because I have rizzen again

7. Declaration of Rizzdependence

8. Rizzly Bear

9. Lionel Rizzi

10. Corona Virizz

11. Degree in Quantum Rizzics

12. Queen Erizzabeth (as a brown person, I thought this was funny)

13. Rizz and Morty

14. Natural Rizzaster

15. Rizztianity

16. Franklin Delanor Rizzvelt

17. Rizzards of Waverly Place

18. The Grinch Who Stole Rizzmas

19. Kamala Harizz

20. Leader of the Rizzistance

21. Walt Rizzney

22. Crizztiano Rizzaldo

23. Dwayne "the Rizz" Johnson

24. Charizzard

25. If this were the 1800s, I'd get burned because of my Rizzardy

26. Call me Chrizztopher Columbus because I want to explore your coochie

Please Stop Sticking Your Dick In The Panini Press

By: Michelle C. Hawke

Hello readers, I just figured I’d put out a quick, simple PSA for the first week of the semester, and hopefully, it resonates with everyone who reads this. The PSA in question: please refrain from sticking your genitals in the panini press in the Livingston dining hall. Once again, I cannot stress this enough; please, for the love of all that is holy, refrain from sticking your genitals in the panini press in the Livingston Dining Hall.

This is an issue that I have, admittedly, been witness to not just once, but on four separate occasions within the span of one week, with all occasions having been perpetrated by four different people (ok, well maybe three, the third incident was likely just the first guy wearing a fake mustache, but I digress).

Here’s the issue, alright? Whenever a girl wants to get a hot ham and cheese sandwich off a panini press straight from the dining hall, the last thing she wants to be greeted to is a fresh German sausage being nicely grilled between two slabs of burning steel.

Help, I made a bunch of promises and can't keep them. What should I do?

"Defraud

your investors"

-Elizabeth Holmes Former CEO of Theranos

Amanda Seyfried Look Alike

"Commit Wire Fraud"

-Sam Bankman-Fried

Former CEO of FTX Average Joe Biden Supporter

"Defraud JP Morgan"

-Charlie Javice Former CEO of Frank Girl Boss

I Found God and I am Now Gay!!

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

I recently met with my campaign manager, Bone Dog, and we decided to expand my endeavors past the Senate. My mission is to overtake the earth by sitting on the highest chair of the world council, but that's besides the point. I was leaving our meeting, which we had in a Starbucks bathroom in Beaver, Nevada, and I spotted a beautiful man with striking blue eyes, and I mean BLUE. I asked him how he came to be born with such divine peepers and he put his very dry, very dirty hands on my humble shoulders, so tenderly, yet with an unmistakable, innate confidence.

He then bestowed upon me a most infallible gaze and spoke directly to me with his mind. He said to me, “We are all the children of the high one.” I knew exactly what he meant. I thought for a moment that this man was some sort of Christ Figure, but after his words, I knew I was a bit askew in my judgment.

When I was trapped in a cardboard box for some time, I was blessed by the messages of Lord Zarnub, and outside of this Starbucks, I met a prophet of his own right. This prophet's name, Frivolous Jeff, brought Lord Zarnub’s messages to life within my soul, and oh how I want Frivolous Jeff. I want him sososososo bad. I need him please please please please please. I could cook for him, I could clean for him, I could give us a good life. His eyes and his wondrous brain are everything to me. The term God does no justice to Lord Zarnub, but at the side of a prophet, I see this Lord as the holy and powerful amalgamation of life’s deepest truths. I am gay now.

STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!

BY JEREMY RENNER

Yes, I am Jeremy Renner. Yes, I play Hawkeye in the Avengers films. Yes, I broke thirty bones after running myself over with my snowplow. But no, I don’t see what’s so goddamn funny about it.

When I fell underneath my 14,000-pound PistenBully snowplow, I found myself face-to-face with the Grim Reaper. When I came to, I found myself face-to-face with Pagliacci the clown. May I ask what was so funny? What about the image of my flimsy little body slipping and sliding around the ice, then getting smushed by a slow-moving snow tractor is hilarious to you people? Well, I hate to Rennerupt the jokes, but it’s not funny at all. In fact, I don’t think the accident is what’s making you laugh. It’s about the fucking app.

You people will just never forget about the Jeremy Renner app, will you? My snowplow accident wasn’t funny because it laid waste to my body in a horrific fashion; it was funny because it happened to the guy who made an app where people could pay to comment on his Instagram. I made something you didn’t like, so now I deserve to have my bones crushed to dust, apparently. If Tom Holland broke thirty bones, 15 year old girls everywhere would be weeping in the streets.

Some nights, I wonder: If I died that day, would any of you even be sorry? Would the footage of my funeral, my open casket, finally make you realize that you were being so relentlessly cruel to a real person? During those nights, I sincerely wish that’s how it actually went.

Check out Rennervations, coming to Disney+ soon.

HE'S JUST HAS THE 5 FINGER DISCOUNT HELP!!! I THINK MY ROOMATE IS A KLEPTOMANIAC!!!!!

BY MERE VICTIM

Hi, my name is Mere Victim and I wanted to write to this publication about my roommate. His name is Max Jefferies. When I met him in Fall 2022, he seemed like a normal guy. My first signal that he had some screws loose should have been that he is an Engineering Major with a Gender Studies Minor. But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The first few weeks were fine. He kept mostly to himself, which was fine (I'm an INTJ so I get it).

One day, I headed back to our apartment after my Health Economics class and saw a bunch of plates in our sink. I wasn't sure where we got all of those plates and asked Max about them. He told me that he found them. Upon further inspection, I noticed that these plates looked similar to the ones in the dining halls and connected the pieces.

The next day, I walked into our apartment and saw a bus advertisment for SHI on the couch. I once again asked Max about this and he said that he found it. I told him that there are only two of us in this apartment and if I wasn't taking this stuff, then it was him.

The following day, I brace myself for what may lay in our apartment and opened the door. Turns out, Max apparently "found" the Magna Carta, Luke Skywalker's Lightsaber, The Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, Mjolnir, and the Library of Alexandria.

Wednesday, February 8th, 2023 themedium.submissions@gmail.com

TETRAHEDRON (THIS PICTURE HORRIFIES ME) BY PRESLAYDENT HOLLOWBAE

“im prolapsed :P”

#FUNNYJOKE #RELATABLE BY MEDIUM WRITER

IT SAYS "U MAD BRO?" BY ZZIRM

OUR FORMER PERSONALS EDITOR JUST SAID "BALLS" HUH HA HAHHHH HEHE HE OH HAHAHA. IF YOU WANT TO GET MORE HIGH-QUALITY HUMOR LIKE THAT COME TO WAIT I JUST SAID "CUM" HAHAHA HEHEHEE TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAY AT 7PM FOR OUR PITCH MEETING OH MY GOD MEETING MORE LIKE MEAT HAHAHAH HEE HEE EHE HE EHE E HHHEEEE.

THIS IS YOUR ARTS EDITOR SPEAKING. I'M SORRY.

Yuri

Can vegans give head?

(I’m so glad you asked this question, I was just thinking this the last time I converted to veganism while simultaneously giving head. Now I have a question for you: spit or swallow? Depending on how you answer my question will give you the answer to your question.)

Why do I like women with short hair and men with long hair?

(I’m so glad you asked this question, I think this every time I question my sexuality. Men who look like women and women who look like men are the peak existence of this world. If you identify as one of these individuals, please reach out to our instagram (@themediumru) and maybe even send your number over too for… future science.. Completely unrelated but here are a few things about me: I'm bi, 5'2", have great fanfic writing abilities, and am the funniest person you will ever meet :) )

I have so much w rizz, what should I do with it?

(Slide into my dms. Hit my line. Rizz me up. Have a rizz off with other w rizzlers. Go on America’s Got Talent, you’ll probably win. Start a rizz major for frat bros. Teach a lecture on how to truly rizz people up in Tinder conversations.)

Will you do a review of Cocaine Bear?

(As long as I live and breathe, you will see a review of the second best movie of this year (Puss in Boots is number 1.))

"Puss In Boots is my hero, my love, my life."

How did people talk about tragedies in their lives before subway surfers was created?

(I’m so glad you asked this question, I was thinking this exact thing while not participating in The Medium’s last production meeting, which you can attend the next one this Wednesday in the LSC board room from 7-8 pm. The answer to this question is: they didn’t. Fun fact, before subway surfers was created, everyone actually had subway surfers videos embedded in their occipital lobes so as to never have too much understimulation. That's how they got the idea for the game.)

Are the Co-editors in chief fucking/dating/it’s complicated?

(Idk. They’re hella sus. Sometimes, they even act like characters in a really good fanfiction that was written last semester…but yet they say that they are not together. Sounds both gay and homophobic to me. This would also probably be a good place to put a new chapter of said fanfiction, but I don’t remember what happened last….so maybe just an out of pocket smut scene? Here you go whores:

Justin looked up from his position on the ground and asked, “Are we really doing this?”

Opal shushed him by pulling his ropes tighter, “Didn’t we agree that I’m the master and you must follow all of my commands?” Justin nodded as a tear of joy escaped, “Good, then stop talking.”

Is this the rest of the fanfiction?

(Yes.

Opal soon learned from her acquaintance with Justin that he was down bad for her and she liked the idea of that. So what else would a fem bi girlboss top do but to assume the master role in some BDSM foreplay?

Justin was more than pleased to assume his sub bottom role (his dreams were finally coming true).

“Could we possibly move this to the bed, it’s a bit cold down here?”

Justin whimpered. Opal gave him a death stare, reminding him that he was not supposed to speak. She gave him a little nod in approval of his request (definitely only because she wanted to be comfy and definitely not because she cared about Justin in any way besides as his master). With the grace of a little weirdo, Justin crawled on his fingertips and used his raw finger strength to hop onto the bed. That’s when the fun started.

“Face me,” Opal commanded. She placed a lit candle in Justin’s mouth. “Let this drip down that hot bod of yours while I put on the strap-on.”

“Stwp-un?!”

“Don’t tell me you can’t take it up the butt?"

Justin spit out the candle, which then caught his chest hair on fire and almost burned him. But he's built different so nothing happened. “Woah, woah. Don’t you dare try to make accusations about me. All I was saying is that I’ve never been impaled by a woman before. This could be exciting,” Justin smirked

“Less talking, more moaning,” Opal thrusted into Justin. And more moaning there was indeed. If there was a contest for loudest, longest, and girthiest moan… Justin won that award this night. Okay, that’s all the horny I have for you this week. Maybe you’ll get something next week, maybe not. Until then, stay smooth my dear readers.)

I have no thoughts, my brain is fried. If your brain is also fried, you should come to the LSC Board Room at 7pm on Wed.

Wednesday, February 8th, 2023 themedium.submissions@gmail.com

“Gay”- Depeche Mode

Top 5 Gayest Depeche Mode Lyrics

By Richard Muncher

1. “I’m taking a ride with my best friend” from "Never Let Me Down".

Explanation for Straight People: He’s riding his best friend's dick.

2. “Everything counts in large amounts” from "Everything Counts".

Explanation for Straight People: He’s talking about cum and/or dick.

3. “I give in to sin” from "Strangelove".

Explanation for Straight People: Self explanatory, also me when I was 15.

4. “...Will you give it to me? Will you take the pain I will give to you again and again and will you return it?” from "Strangelove".

Explanation for Straight People: Talking about being a switch (we’ve all been there).

5. “I hope he never lets me down again” from "Never Let Me Down".

Explanation for Straight People: His boyfriend cheated on him :(

Music

"Turnstile should've won a Grammy"

Losing My Taylor Swift Virginity

Music Editor Ranks Taylor Swift's Discography

By Nick Zysman

Jesus and I go way back. He’s a childhood friend of mine, but he often called me his mentor. I never really liked having formalities between us, even if I essentially shaped him into the person he is today.

I helped him really fine tune the Bible. You know John 14? Yeah, that was all me. Well not ALL me! Jesus was there, but I kinda did all the work. He received the message from God, of course, but I was the one who really got it to be BAM in your face! It’s really unfortunate I couldn’t attend that supper he hosted. It was supposed to be him and his 13 closest friends, but my invite got lost in the mail. It’s also a shame Jesus never listened to me about Judas.

It’s kinda weird he never mentioned me. But I never really cared about fame and attention and all that stuff. He’s still a little immature in that sense and he really lets the spotlight get to him, but it’s alright. I’m so happy to see that the religion Jesus and I founded, together, has this many followers. I really think it was because of my guidance and my nurturing that he really blossomed into this lovely flower. Jesus, what a guy.

12. Self-Titled

Cute album that I’m never gonna listen to again. Could’ve used more banjo.

11. Speak Now

A lot of these songs go on for too long. Whole album goes on for too long. Should’ve made some cuts.

10. Fearless

Not bad. But feels pointless following the rerecorded version.

9. Midnights

This album was passable. Taylor really needs to work with someone other than Jack Antonoff.

8. Red

Pretty good album. But feels pointless following the rerecorded version.

7. reputation

Overall, I’m pretty mixed on this album. This album has some of her most interesting ideas along with some of her worst material. However, I feel like this album improves with repeated listens. Maybe one day I’ll be Based and Reputationpilled. This album needs a sequel where she continues to experiment with the ideas on here.

6. folklore Good album. I liked it more as it went along.

5. Fearless (Taylor’s Version)

Compared to Red (Taylor’s Version), this feels more like a compilation album. Just listen to this instead of the original Fearless.

4. Lover

Taylor’s Indie Pop album. A nice summer album. Although ME! is embarrassing.

3. Red (Taylor’s Version)

The rerecorded versions of the songs sound a lot better. There’s a ton of golden nuggets in the additional material. The 10 minute version of All Too Well is also great.

2. evermore

The album title caused a bad-faith lawsuit by a theme park in Utah.

1. 1989

Aside from “Shake It Off” and “Bad Blood”, this album has some of the best pop music of the 2010s. Lyrically, the album shows a sense of maturity in Taylor’s songwriting. This album is incredible, but To Pimp A Butterfly should’ve won Album of the Year at the Grammys.