RVA Volume 3 Issue 2 by RVA Magazine

“Fire Kings” Lake Havasu, Arizona song - “Slow NIght, So Long” Kings Of Leon

10 Lucien Dulfan 1 4 Erjun Zhao 20 Catalyst

21 4 Walls Falling vs Down To Nothing 2 6 NIN : Year Zero 28 ACHILLES Hospice - JOHNNY CASH

RVA VOL.3 ISSUE 2 IN BLOOM cover image detail of by Erjun Zhao The inside cover images are from my trip out west. - Anthony correction : Dear RVA, Just a heads up...the winner of best in show was listed as a guy from Black Label....the real winners were Suzy Critchlow(myself) and Jennie Stuart with our Sparks and Sparks Plus choppers....I have the trophy to prove it:) I attached a picture of the bikes... No biggie...just letting you know... Thanks, Suzy S p e c i a l thanks to Premiere Costumes f o r t h e g loves, tiara, and wig on t h e Q u e en shoot.Diversity Thrift for w a r d r o b e & frame. Brandon Peck for b e i n g a good sport.

Ultimate Gospel - FAKE PROBLEMS How Far Our Bodies Go - J CHURCH The Horror Of Life - MASERATI Inventions For The New Season - THE UNION TRADE Now The Swell EP ELâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; ZOMBIE The Last Man

Lazio Interviews the Queen

3 4 Boy Scout Love 36 Tripping Politians

40 That Abortion Thing Again 4 4 Cesca Fiction 46 CBR7

60 Heavy Metal Parking Lot 6 2 Carebeo vs Raviotta 66 Urban Planting Adice

70 Splendor In The Grass 8 0 Letters To Lazio

R. Anthony Harris publisher senior designer Parker managing editor creative director Adam Sledd manager Christian Detres marketing sales director Marisa Browne copy editor Jeff Smack designer Mary Heffley fashion AD TEAM Christian Detres R. Anthony Harris Jeff Smack Ian Graham Kim Frost David Kenedy Ken Howard Ross Trimmer INTERNS Doug Spooner

CONTACT Inkwell Design 112 North Allen Ave. Richmond, VA 23221 p:// 804.349.5890 e:// info@rvamag.com http://www.rvamag.com

WRITERS Dipti Blatt Jeff Byers Carl Willington Mr. J Matt Traldi Maura Pond Lauren Vincelli Melanie Allanson Cesca Janece Waterfield Brandon Peck Mike Rutz Tyler Bass Paul Lazio Don Harrison Sean Patrick Rhorer Mary Heffley Christian Detres Adam Sledd R. Anthony Harris PHOTOS Chris Baines Grant Pullman Ian M. Graham David Kenedy John Yamashita R. Anthony Harris ILLUSTRATION josephrosser Adam Juresko Jeff Smack

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HEADS UP! The advertising, images, and articles appearing within this publication reflect the opinion and attitudes of their respective authors and not necessarily those of the publisher or editors. Reproduction in whole or part without prior written permission from the publisher is strictly prohibited. RVA Magazine is published monthly. All material within this magazine is protected. RVA is a registered trademark of Inkwell Design L.L.C.

THANK YOU.

Flying

Spirital

Clouds of Our Minds An Interview with Lucien Dulfan by Melanie Allanson

In Western culture, the focus of ar t is more individualistic than in Eastern culture. We tend to turn our creative abilities into careers, and utilize them as a means for making monetary profit. In New York City alone, there are over 100,000 ar tists, and it is quite arguable that only a minority of them are making a living off of their ar t. Even less of them are wealthy. But for some of the ones who have become wealthy, it seems that wealth may be their sole motivation and the only way that they measure success. One could say that ar t has, by this group of ar tists, been corrupted by greed. Self-expression, not money, is the reason why someone becomes an ar tist. Eastern ar t has an expressive approach that is more encompassing of society, instead of the individual. This is what creating ar t should be about. In a recent interview, the brilliant and world-renowned ar tist, Lucien Dulfan, is pivotal to enlightening one to this difference between the two cultures. He described how being an ar tist is like immersing oneself in a journey through our dreams. Throughout the interview, the ar tist, who most would consider eccentric, smoked his pipe and made jokes of everything, saying, “see I am funny, sometimes.” The fact that he said “sometimes” emphasized how serious he is about his work. However, he does not consider ar t work; rather he describes his creative process as “when ever I pick up a brush, I am flying.” When Mr. Dulfan was contacted for this interview, he was in his studio. This kind 10

gentleman took nearly two hours out of his creative time-- when he is often too involved with his ar t to eat or even drink anything for eight to 10 hours-- to discuss his life, family, ar t, accomplishments, and his personal opinions about a plethora of other issues. Initially Lucien Dulfan talked a bit about his family, saying that they are “beautiful and talented,” and about his life experience. Dulfan was born in Kyrgyzstan, Russia, which is a Moslem area, in the time of Communist Russia. Though Dulfan is Jewish, he closely identifies with the people of his homeland and describes the people of his native area as “very nice people who have no arrogance.” This, probably without his realization, acutely describes him as well. Dulfan knew he would be an ar tist from the time he was 14 years old. He studied at the Odessa State School of Ar t until he received his degree when he was 25. He had a lucrative career as an ar tist in Russia even though his ar t opposed the government. I asked him about how he evaded being arrested for his controversial ar t, which he described as “non-conformist,” and he said “the KGB thought that I was a little bit crazy, so they couldn’t touch me.” In 1998 Dulfan was invited by the Governor of Kyrgszstan to take par t in an exhibition to celebrate a free Kyrgyzstan. For this exhibit, he submitted his works entitled “The Great Silk Road.” He immigrated to the United States in 1990 after Poughkeepsie University invited him and his family to New York, where he has lived for the past 17 years.

Because Dulfan has had the experience of living in two very different spheres of the ar t world, he elaborated on this and compared being an ar tist in Russia and being an ar tist in New York. He said the biggest difference is that “there are no ar t galleries in Russia, only government controlled ar t museums.” Ar tists there do not have complete freedom of expression and Dulfan says that he “loves America because it is a free country.” In 1999, Dulfan felt as though former Mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani, had threatened that freedom when he refused to show a controversial piece of ar twork in the Brooklyn Museum. Dulfan reacted by publishing an ar ticle and a drawing which scrutinized Giuliani for not upholding the Constitutional and ar tistic rights of the citizens. Then, the tragedy of September 11, 2001 occurred. Because of the strong leadership and heroism Giuliani demonstrated in carrying his city out of the rubble and uniting New Yorkers, Dulfan said that his opinion of Giuliani changed from “a simple mayor who refused to suppor t ar t to a hero and possible future president.” During our conversation, Dulfan had an interesting story to describe what inspired his ar t and he often spoke of his deep love for his friends and family. His “Barn” series is dedicated to his very dear friend Dr. McNutt because of Dulfan’s admiration of McNutt’s humanity. He spoke of how Dr. McNutt practiced medicine in Honduras and compared him to the 1952 Nobel Peace Prize winner Alber t Schweitzer. Schweitzer had practiced medicine in Africa in the early par t of the 19th Century and actually wrote a letter to Dr. McNutt, which he has framed on his wall. Dr. McNutt has several barns on his proper ty, and through his “Barn” series

Lucien Dulfan honored his friend by bringing “European humanity and sentimentality and philosophy to America through the murals on the field.” Some of his other works draw inspiration such as the “Kisses” series, were inspired by Caravaggio’s “Kiss of Judah.” All of the works depicting astronauts were inspired by his dream of utopia. He said that “Kisses” represents “images of primitive, vulgar people only interested in profit,” and we must find a balance in our lives. Regarding the works with astronauts is his version of “Paradise Regained,” he talked about how “God pulled Adam and Eve out of Paradise” and how he has created a “New Paradise, his personal Paradise” with “strange subjects, this is another world, where Adam and Eve live in Paradise in space.” For him, success as an ar tist is not about making money but making an impact on humanity. Dulfan has an interesting personal view of society with a dream that everyone will live free of oppression. His idea of how to accomplish this is through socialism, but not necessary in the sense of a socializing government. He believes that everyone should help out his or her fellow man and he freely practices helping out anyone he can with whatever resources he has available. His ar t reflects his humanitarian view because he creates his own vision of utopia through ar t. Dulfan is probably the most positive, open-minded, tactful person who anyone has ever encountered. He had something positive to say about every issue that arose, including the war in Iraq. He didn’t elaborate on his political views but he did compare it to

Vietnam, which he believes is going through a cultural revolution now and said that “hopefully in 15 years, Iraq will be like modern day Vietnam.” While expressing his concern that things will get better he said that “I will not be joining any army…my only weapon is a brush.” He wants nothing more than for humanity to live together in harmony. Dulfan has passionate advice for emerging ar tists and recommends that they “buy books

...the KGB thought that I was a little bit crazy so they could not touch me.... and listen to music, especially children (he prefers classical music), that they have pictures on the wall and to always continue education so that they have a profound and deep cultural education.” About modern ar t, he states, “anyone who picks up [the] brush, he enjoys it.” He points out that people who “prefer to live without money and to have dreams are people whose brains have spiritual clouds… they are flying.” For Lucien Dulfan, ar t is medicine and we should all take a big dose for humanity’s sake.

Lucien Dulfan’s work will be on view at Gallery5’s Gateway Asia exhibit until May 25, 2007. For more information on the ar tist please visit www.dulfan.com

by Dipti Bhatt Er jun Zhao gr ew up in China during a time known as the Cultur al Revolution (c.1966-1976). Launched by Chair man of the Communist Par ty Mao Zedong, this was a time when the r egime began to wor r y about anti-communist tendencies within the par ty and r eacted by pur ging the par ty of anyone seeming to have anti-socialist ideals. Mao’s str ategy was to “r eeducate the intellectuals” through the use of manual labor. T his r emov al of the bour geois enabled the population to prioritize the needs of the par ty. Anyone who was skilled in a cer tain area of exper tise was deemed as not being “r ed” enough. Although ther e ar e a lot of flaws in our existing gover nment that we all could debate for a long, long time we cer tainly ar e not in a situation wher e land owner ship is a factor in labeling you “black,” as Er jun Zhao’s family was. Since her father came from a significant family who owned land, they wer e consider ed anti-revolutionar y. Deciding that their house was too lar ge for one family, the gover nment installed a soap manufacturing facility in it. I couldn’t help but think Fight Club, as Er jun said that the manufactur ed soap was so ingr ained into the str ucture of the house that for many year s after production had ceased, a white substance would bubble up around the edges during r ain. Er jun does not r ecall these times growing up as depr essing. Her parents never let the childr en know how they felt about the unfair ness and difficulties they were facing. At the age of 19, in r eaction to her sur rounding environment, Er jun decided

she would be dedicated to a life of ar t. T his vulgar and cor r upt atmospher e was a time of social chaos and political anarchy in the People’s Republic of China. Even with a suppor tive family life, the burden of “blackness” in the eye of the communist r egime was impossible to rid. At this time, Er jun and her older sister became friends with childr en of other “black” families. T hey built a sub-cultur e focusing on any educational and ar tistic material they could salv age while the Red Guards wer e adamantly bur ning them in the name of the Revolution. T hey wer e cr eating their own destiny despite the circumstances that oppr essed them by wor king hardest at painting, cr eating ar t non-stop. As Er jun says, they “ate little, wor e old clothes cover ed with patches and thought they could single-handedly save the wor ld.” Ar t had become a lifestyle for them, a r eason for being. In 1977 the Chinese gover nment publicly acknowledged the er ror s of the Cultur al Revolution and the Communist er a convictions on ar ts, liter atur e, and intellectuals wer e over tur ned. T hings did not immediately become easy for Er jun and her fellow “black” labeled peer s, but it was a giant step in the dir ection that led Er jun to make the wor k featur ed in her

series East Meets West, cur r ently featur ed at Galler y5. Er jun star ted the series East Meets West while she was in the Master’s Progr am at VCU, previously attending the Suzhou Univer sity in Suzhou, China, the Chinese Academy of Fine Ar ts in Hangzhou, and the Centr al Academy of Fine Ar ts in Beijing. As a classically tr ained ar tist Er jun held a love for dr awings, prints and paintings of the Old Master s, eventually becoming inter ested in the idea of a reinter pretation of these wor ks. By placing her self in the context of recognizable paintings, such as Velazquez’s Las Meninas, the original stories became twisted and allowed a new experience for her audience. She pays homage to the wor ks that inspired her while addr essing progr essive thinking and humor by placing an Asian figure within. Er jun has brought 17th and 18th centur y wor ks to a contempor ar y under standing with the addition of her self-por tr ait while eliminating the centuries that exist between her influences and her cr eative process. Ideals of beauty ar e also juxtaposed in Er jun’s East Meets West series, as she notes, “new Chinese beauty has confor med to Wester n ideals.” Er jun Zhao proudly is a representative of the rich and intense histor y of China, continuing to be successfully dedicated to a life of ar t and education. Er jun Zhao frequently tr avels between the United States and China, spending her time mostly in Shanghai with her husband, ar tist and architect Chaoyi Gao. She has been an Instr uctor at VCU since 1996 and was a 2001 r ecipient of Vir ginia Museum of Fine Ar ts Professional Fellowship Award. Her wor k will be on view at Galler y5’s Gateway Asia exhibit until May 25, 2007. For fur ther infor mation on the ar tist please visit www.er junzhao.com

new york deli 2920 west cary street DJs every night at 10pm never a cover

www.returnofthedeli.com

The

C A T A LY S T by Jeff Byer s IT’S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND... how The Catalyst functions, but you’re still amazed by the fact that it does maintain stability. Four years ago, drummer Kevin Broderick helped an acquaintance out when he drove singer/guitarist Eric Smith and his car home to Fairfax from Richmond because Eric had drunk an irresponsible amount of alcohol. After dropping off the goods, Kevin found himself unable to catch a ride back to Richmond. Thus began a great period of wandering around Fairfax for Kevin, sleeping in various locales like in a tent on somebody’s roof and in a basement under the stairs for a little awhile. During this time, Eric and Kevin keep running into each other and decided to play music together and soon found bassist Nate Prusinski. The trio ended up living together in a one bedroom apartment for awhile and managed to write a batch of grunge songs. Immediately following their first set of songs, The Catalyst ambitiously decided to embark a three and a half week tour that lasted seven shows leaving much ground to be covered in between the dates. After a show flopped in New Orleans The Catalyst drove to Memphis only to find out that most of the city, including the club, had undergone redecoration 20

thanks to a tornado. Unmarred by the experience, The Catalyst geared up for yet another tour in the summer of 2004. This tour took them to the west coast and back, booking shows one night in San Diego followed by a show in Seattle. They played 19 shows in five weeks playing three songs each set. Since their original inception, The Catalyst has undergone a lot of changes. They added guitarist/second drummer Jamie Faulstich. Nate amicably left the band, eventually being replaced with Michael Backus. The new Catalyst also marks an example of a band that gets exceedingly better as each year goes by. Touting rock song hybrids influenced by Nirvana, Karp, Drive Like Jehu, and other early ninetys alternative music, The Catalyst may be one the best bands in Richmond to come out in a longtime. They released a split CD/LP Two Thousand and Six Six Six with Mass Movement of the Moth. This recording was released by pseudo-Richmond label The Perpetual Motion Machine and Delaware’s The Electric Human Project. The two bands embarked on another west coast journey, playing a relatively impressive thirty shows in six

imag e by David Kene dy

weeks. “It was awesome,” said Broderick. “And then our van sat in our driveway for nine months and squirrels took it over.” 21

With three out of the four members in the middle of eviction at the time of inquiry, The Catalyst are as charming as they are confusing. But that’s normal. Or at least I think so. Jeff Byers “So, you have a new record coming out, don’t you?” Eric Smith “Yes. Yes we do.” JB “And when’s that coming out?” ES “Umm…in like a month. Maybe two. It all depends. It’s going to hit the city like Godzilla fighting Mothra.” The new 4-song one-sided LP entitled Marianna’s Trench will be the third and possible final release with the current lineup. After Two Thousand and Six Six Six, Richmond label Robotic Empire released the demo recording that preceded the Two Thousand and Six Six Six session on a cassette format, Freak Out the Squares. All of these were recorded in Oregon Hill with Lance Koehler at Minimum Wage Studios. Yet shortly after the release of Marianna’s Trench, Jamie will be leaving to travel to Uruguay and Argentina and will leave The Catalyst with another change. JB “What are you going to do there?” Jamie Faulstich “Hang out and study Spanish.” JB “Awesome. When are you going?” JF “Like in two months. Something like that.” JB “Whose putting the new record out?” Kevin Broderick “WE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRE.” (Uproarious laughter) ES “Kevin and I are along with Paul Hansbarger of Perpetual Motion Machine. So it’s like 60/40. So when is this article coming out?” JB “Ummm… in about a month. So it’ll be right… on time… maybe.” 22

Wa n n a h e a r t h e s e g u y ’s ? G o t o w w w. m y s p a c e . c o m / t h e c a t a l y s t t o l e t t h e e a r b l e a d i n g e n s u e . . .

THEN & NOW #1 by Sean Patrick Rhorer

4 WALLS FALLING

dates: 1986-1994 p ho t o s c o ur t e s y o f J a d e Tr e e Re c o r d s D EF I N I T I V E R EL EASE CULTURE SHOCK (1 9 9 1 , J a d e Tr e e )

I M P O R TAN C E N o t o nly w a s t he ir a lbum J a d e Tr e e ’ s f ir s t r e l e a s e … t h ey a ls o innov a t e d ha r d c o r e w it h t he inc lus io n o f e m o t io na l a nd p o lit ic a l m e s s a g e s int o t he ir m us ic . M u s ic a lly, t hey s t o o d o ut a s w e ll, in c o r p o r a t ing in f lue nc e s no t c o m m o nly he a r d a m o ng t he ir p e e r s. N o t t o m e nt io n t he ir us e o f s o m e o f t he m o s t p o t e nt, f it t ing s a m p le s e v e r in ha r d c o r e .

L AST I N G I M P R ESSI O N L o ng he r a ld e d a s t he head of t he p a c k w he n it c o m e s t o e a r ly ‘ 9 0 s ha r d cor e in R ic hm o nd (a n d b r o a d e r v ie w s a s w e ll). T hey have r e c e nt ly b e e n c ov e r e d by c ur r e nt lo c a l f a v o r it e s Down To N o t hing (s e e b e l o w ) w it h a g ue s t a p p e a r a nce by 4 Wa lls Fa lling ’ s v o c a li s t Tay lo r St e e le . W H ER E T H EY AR E N O W Tay lo r a nd B o St e e le m ight sell yo u a ho us e , a s t hey b o t h w o r k a s r e a l e s t a t e a gents he r e in R ic hm o nd . T he b a nd ’ s d r um m e r a ls o r e por t e d ly o w ns a nd o p e r a t e s o ne o f t he b e s t ho me style c o o k in g r e s t a ur a nt s in Vir g inia .

ima ge by Todd Polloc k

Photo cour tesy of atthes hows. or g

DOWN TO NOTHING dates: 2 000 - pr esent

DEFINITIVE RELEASE SPLITTING HEADACHE (2005 , T ho r p )

L AST I N G I M P R ESSI O N F u n, e ne r ge t ic s o ng w r it ing t ha t r e f le c t s b o t h a p us h t o w a r d s t he ne w a n d a s t r o ng inf lue nc e f r o m the p a s t . Als o, a m o ng a ha nd IMPORTANCE Leading the c ha r ge o f f ul o f b a n d s he lp ing t o r e c la im Re v e la t io n Re c o r d s â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Ric hmond har dcor e bands m a k ing o u r p o s it io n a s o ne o f t he t o p ha r d c o r e la b e l s. T he s e beloved city one of the m o s t t hr i v i ng g uy s a r e q uic k ly b e c o m ing a f a v o r it e a r o und t he scenes in the wor ld. w o r ld a nd s ho w no s ig n o f le t t ing up a ny t im e s o o n.

R EL AT ED B AN D S M e m b e r s ha v e p r e v io us ly played in har dcor e o ut f it M ur d e r We a p o n, a s w e ll a s p o p p unk band Game On. W H AT T H EY AR E U P TO N O W P la ns fo r a busy Summer, inc lud ing t he r e le a s e o f t he ir ne w f ull le ng t h T he Most on Re vela t io n a nd t o ur s t hr o ug ho ut N o r t h Am e r ic a and Eur ope.

w a t c h i n g e v e r yo n e w h i l e p a r a n o r m a l e v e n t s ( o r m a s s h a l lucinations) take place. T he lyrical content of the album and the content of the still-expanding networ k of r evealed data take place fift e e n y e a r s i n t h e f u t u r e , 2 0 2 2 , o r i n t h e eye s o f t h e U. S. G o v e r n m e n t , Ye a r Z e r o . D a t e s b e f o r e Ye a r Z e r o a r e l a beled in negative / B.A. (2007 would be -15 B.A.), “B.A.” h a s b e e n r u m o r e d t o m e a n B o r n A g a i n . T h e Ye a r Z e r o P r o j e c t , d u b b e d by s o m e a s a n “ a l t e r n a t e r e a l i t y g a m e , ” has been going on for two months, and is planned to take a n o t h e r e i g h t e e n t o c o m p l e t e . I d o n’ t t h i n k i t ’ s a g a m e , r a t h e r a v e r y n e w, v e r y p u r e f o r m o f a r t .

NINE INCH NAILS: YEAR ZERO I’m a bybeliever I a n M . G r a ha m im a ge s c o ur t e s y o f I nt e r s c o p e Re c o r d s

It began with a t-shir t. Highlighted letter s off of the back of the newest Nine Inch Nails swag s p e l l e d o u t “ i a m t r y i n g t o b e l i e v e . ” A d d a d o t c o m , a n d yo u h a v e t h e b e g i n n i n g o f w h a t , s o f a r, i s t h e g o s h - d a r n n e a t e s t m e d i a p r o j e c t I ’ v e e v e r s e e n embar ked upon. A vast networ k of websites set up to contain infor mation, f o r u m s, j o u r n a l s, i m a ge s, a n d m e t a d a t a f r o m a v e r y d y s t o p i a n f u t u r e o f t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s. T h e s e p a r a t i o n o f c h u r c h a n d s t a t e h a s f u l l y e r o d e d , t h e w a t e r s u p p ly i s d r u g ge d , m e d i a i s h e a v i l y c e n s o r e d a n d t h e g o v e r n m e n t i s 26

T her e ar e bits and pieces buried ever ywhere. A spectrogr aph analysis of a bur st of “static” at the end of one of t h e a l b u m t r a c k s , “ M y Vi o l e n t H e a r t , ” r e v e a l s a n i m a ge o f a v e r y l o n g, d o w n w a r d p o i n t e d h a n d , r e m i n i s c e n t o f t h e a l bu m c o v e r. T h i s image, and sever al other s discussed in the websites, is r efer red to as “The Presence.” It is a paranor mal occur rence, or perhaps mass hallucination, b e i n g e x p e r i e n c e d a c r o s s t h e w o r l d ( p a r t i c u l a r l y, i t s e e m s, i n t h i s f u t u r e A m e r i c a ) . Fr o m t h e i n - p r o j e c t w e b s i t e , a n o t h e r v e r s i o n o f t h e t r u t h . c o m – “A b u d d y a n d I w e r e g e t t i n g o u r a s s e s k i c k e d by a c o u p l e c o p s a f t e r t h ey caught us tagging a wall. I remember hearing this crack like thunder right o v e r h e a d . N e x t t h i n g I k n e w, w e w e r e a l l s t a n d i n g t h e r e , l o o k i n g u p l i k e b a by b i r d s. O n e o f t h e c o p s w a s c r y i n g. We w e r e a l l s h a k i n g. I t w a s l i k e r e a l i z i n g I ’ v e s p e n t m y w h o l e l i f e u n d e r w a t e r a n d f i n a l ly l o o k i n g u p a n d seeing *real* life on the other side of the surface. The cops just left us; j u s t f o r g o t a b o u t u s. B u t w e d i d n’ t n o t i c e b e c a u s e w e ’ d f o r go t t e n a b o u t them.”

T h e a l b u m i t s e l f ( a c c o r d i n g t o Re z n o r, o n l y a small par t of the overall project) is a throwback to older NIN music, more remin i s c e n t o f T h e Fr a g i l e t h a n Wi t h Te e t h - t h a t is, more of a production album than a stud i o a l bu m . Fo r H a l o 2 4 , Re z n o r w e n t o n t h e r e c o r d s ay i n g t h a t t h e r e c o r d i n g i d e ology of the new album was gear ed mor e towards that of Public Enemy r ecords- taki n g s o u n d s a n d l ay i n g t h e m o u t i n t o r e c o r d f o r m , r a t h e r t h a n “ r e c o r d i n g. ” T h e r e s u l t s h o u l d b e g o l d f o r a N I N f a n’ s e a r - t h e r e w e r e a l o t o f c o m p l a i n t s o f Wi t h Te e t h b e i n g too much of a rock album (I per sonally mor e often listen to Broken than other NIN albums, which is mor e of a rock album in and of itself). Standout tracks such as the radio single “Sur viv alism,” album closer “Zero Sum,” and the one I’ ve had on repeat, “God Given,” all show off new levels in product i o n s k i l l s. L i k e t h e m u s i c o r n o t , N I N h a s a l w ay s b e e n t h e i n d u s t r y s t a n d a r d i n a u d i o e n g i n e e r i n g. “ Z e r o S u m , ” e s p e c i a l l y, i s a tr ack that can only be proper ly appr eciated on a sound system that has a ver y accurate r ange of audio production. When taking the entire project into consideration, I have never seen a project on this level.

ACHILLES Hospice Hex Records It must just be another sign of our post-modern times that all the bands now seem to have a sonic counterpart from the past. Among the current crop of past favorites being pillaged for contemporary rehashing, it seems names like Botch and Coalesce keep coming up a lot. Those bands were incredible, don’t get me wrong, but to hear a style of music that was once so full-heartedly innovative and original be bastardized can be hard to stomach… then comes along a band like Achilles, breathing life back into technical metallic

28 LOCAL REVIEWS IN RED

hardcore. It’s apparent they’re reaching into the same ol’ bag as everyone else, yet they seem to know what to do with what they pull out; instead of duplicating their forerunners, Achilles throws their own unique spin on the style. Leave all the bad imitators alone and listen to this instead. - Sean Patrick Rhorer JOHNNY CASH Ultimate Gospel Columbia Records Daring to review something by such a legend as Johnny Cash feels a bit blasphemous. Nevertheless, with a new collection being released, such an activity seems required.

Adding to the growing list of posthumous collections from one of country music’s most notable stars, Columbia has pieced together the second installment of their Ultimate Gospel series (the first being from Elvis Presley). Gathering 24 of Cash’s passionate songs of faith, this CD could easily appeal to Christian and non-Christian listeners alike with the sheer brilliance of each tune. While those who’ve followed Cash’s career might already own the bulk of these tracks on other releases, this thematic collection still seems like a proper addition to the catalogue. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

FAKE PROBLEMS How Far Our Bodies Go Sabot Productions While Against Me! might claim Gainesville, Florida as home, the group actually began as a solo project further south in the retirement/resort city of Naples. Strangely enough, Fake Problems, who wear an obvious Against Me! influence on their sleeves, also hail from Naples, so it’s hard not to start drawing the connections. Bringing together the folk-meets-punk style with a bit more of a sassy indie rock undertone, Fake Problems pull away from being a carbon-copy of their local predecessors without

totally breaking free of the shadow. The biggest flaw of How Far Our Bodies Go comes in the monotony from song to song, as no tracks really stand out from the others. - Sean Patrick Rhorer J CHURCH The Horror Of Life No Idea Records There are always those bands you really like in small doses, wishing they’d have more selfcensoring to limit the quantity of music released in favor of an overall increase in quality. J Church illustrates this point perfectly, with this being the band’s seventh full length. Over those seven albums, not to mention an endless number of split 7”s and EPs, maybe

one third of the material packs the pop punk punch that draw listeners to the band. The remainder feels all too much like filler, and The Horror Of Life has its fair share of it. But, sticking to the equation, there’s that third of awesome tunes filled with trademark J Church wordy lyricism and undeniable hooks. This far along, I doubt the quantity over quality issue will ever be resolved, so those willing to sift through will find the gems while others might just give up. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

MASERATI Inventions For The New Season Temporary Residence Ltd. With their last release coming out nearly four years ago (a split with The Mercury Program), some might have counted Maserati out. Triumphantly returning though, the band offers a new album sounding more like a group who’s been striding along with their peers all along, not sitting dormant gathering dust. Filling each track with instrumental spaciousness that is both beautiful and intense, Maserati fit perfectly alongside label

mates Explosions In The Sky and Kammerflimmer Kollektief without sounding plagiaristic. Let’s just hope it’s not another four years before another effort surfaces. - Sean Patrick Rhorer THE UNION TRADE Now The Swell EP Tricycle Records More often than not, those pesky onesheets that labels include when sending out CDs for review serve little to no real use. You can almost always put money on band names being dropped that, if one was mostly deaf, would vaguely sound like the CD in hand for 30 seconds tops. That said, there are of course exceptions to the rule and The

Union Trade are proof; their onesheet noted influences such as The Appleseed Cast and Explosions In The Sky… both on-point references. Now, this isn’t to say these fellows are on par with the aforementioned, but they’re clearly pulling some strong sonic inspiration. Throughout this spacious, light indie rock adventure, vocals are sparsely placed. In all honesty, The Union Trade would benefit a great deal from dropping the singing altogether, as the lyrics are extremely trite and offer the only real aspect of their music easy to criticize. For a debut EP though, not a bad try at all. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

EL’ ZOMBIE The Last Man In Richmond Self Released

www.myspace.com/ elzombiewilleatyourbrains If witness accounts hold truth, El’ Zombie arose from the earth somewhere deep in Mexico and slowly dragged their instruments all the way to the River City. Why have they come? Luckily for our brains, they have come here to rock.

The Last Man In Richmond is a soundtrack to the duo’s journey. On “The Awakening,” you can envision the Minstrel and the Bard as they struggle

to break free from the soil, limp towards a stormy horizon, and spectacularly destroy the shotgun-carrying haters who try to stand in their way. We’ve always held a soft spot for good zombies, so El’ Zombie knew it’d probably be safe here in Richmond. This allows them to let loose, get playful with their rhythm, and expand the technicality even more for the “Zombie Dance Party.” What El’ Zombie didn’t anticipate was the hoards of evil undead that would follow them here to feast on our friendly flesh. That’s why this EP is merely a preview to the full-length Banquette del Cerebro. The Last Man in Richmond foretells the epic battle that will ensue and

what will be left of the city 28 days later. At least that’s my guess, since vocals are absent and unnecessary. El’ Zombie tell their story with fervor by resurrecting classic Metallica through the spirit of Hella and Los Straitjackets. The simple power of one lone guitar and drum kit remains intact thanks to mixing and mastering by Todd Corvin at Living Room Studios. It’s just absurd that zombies could play with this much speed and complexity. El’ Zombie must be eating their braaainsssss… - Mike Rutz

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19.

Artist

Song title

Album

Nina Sim o n e Tom Wait s Flogging M o l l y Pirates R U s Gogol Bo r d e l l o Murder C i t y D e v i l s Tom Wait s Horrorpo p s Murder B y D e a t h Pirates R U s Flogging M o l l y Joe Strum m e r & T h e M e s c a l e r o s Nekroma n t i x Gogol Bo r d e l l o Pirates R U s Tom Wait s Flogging M o l l y Modest M o u s e Yann Tie r s e n

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pirate Jennyâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Diamonds and Goldâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Cruel Mistressâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Kotzebue Shuffleâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Not A Crimeâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Boom Swagger Boomâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Singaporeâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Horror Beachâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dead Men And Sinnersâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153; K YA R P i r a t e R a d i o â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153; D e v i l â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s D a n c e F l o o r â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Redemption Songâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Sea of Redâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153; G y p s y P a r t o f To w n â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ballad of Capâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;N Crunchâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153; C o l d Wa t e r â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Saltydogâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153; T h i s D e v i l â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s W o r k d a y â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Le Banquetâ&#x20AC;?

Ve r v e J a z z M a s t e r s , Vo l . 1 7 Rain Dogs Drunken Lullabies Songs of Modern Piracy Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike HYPE! Rain Dogs H e l l Ye a h In Bocca Al Lupo Songs of Modern Piracy Swagger Streetcore Demons are a Girls Best Friend G o g o l B o r d e l l o v s . Ta m i r M u s k a t Songs of Modern Piracy M u l e Va r i a t i o n s Swagger Good News for People Who Love Bad News AmĂŠlie Original Soundtrack

time 6:41 2:33 2:57 2:19 4:31 2:39 2:45 2:52 1:54 3:55 3:58 3:28 4:39 4:55 4:20 5:23 2:20 2:19 1:30

My friend Emily Hardnasty and I really love pirates. We decided to come up with an ultimate â&#x20AC;&#x153;pirate mixâ&#x20AC;? to continue our undying love and commitment to pirates, scoundrels and scallywags. In the Scallywag Mix you will find various songs by and/or about pirates. For example, Murder By Deathâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dead Men and Sinnersâ&#x20AC;? is a great song about some sea-bound scallywags. Their singer, Adam Turla, is a rather â&#x20AC;&#x153;pirateyâ&#x20AC;? dude, or at least he has a â&#x20AC;&#x153;pirateyâ&#x20AC;? voice. Everyone knows Tom Waits is a pirate and even played one in the motion picture smash hit Shrek 2. I hope you enjoy this mix, stay tuned for the next one. If you have a suggestion for an awesome mix tape topic, let me know. lauren.vincelli@yahoo.com. YAAAARRRRR! -LV lauren.vincelli@yahoo.com. YAAAARRRRR! -LV

Lazio interviews the Queen

of England*

What Americans don’t know about Queen Elizabeth II could (and does) fill many, many books. The smooth-talking 81 year-old who recently visited our little cor ner of the globe has been just about ever ywhere and seen just about ever ything, with the thankful exception of a Tijuana donkey show. The only other significant item on the Queen’s shor tlist of things not done is that, until just recently meeting me at a small studio apar tment in the Fan, she had never given an official inter view to the press. How did I, Paul Lazio, succeed where so many have failed? The answer is long and complex, much like the Queen’s own reign. Without giving away too much I can say this: I have yet to meet an elder ly English woman who can resist a man with a captain’s hat and the offer of a free glue-on beard. It’s more or less their kr yptonite. One more thing—I don’t care how many more taserings I get from the British secret ser vice, because once you strip away the brick wall that is her highnesses chilly exterior, Queen Elizabeth is one stone cold fox. Paul Lazio (PL): So, since this is your fir st official inter view ever, let’s get some basics out of the way. Favorite album of all time? Queen of England (QE): Meatloaf ’s “Bat Out Of Hell”. Hands down. PL: I under stand completely. Favorite word in the English language? QE: Jubilee. PL: Least favorite? QE: Magna Car ta. I’m repulsed by the ver y sound of it. * M AY N OT BE THE REAL QUEEN

images by Kim Frost

PL: Gotcha. Why only two days in Virginia? The next weekend is the official anniver sar y weekend. QE: Honestly, I only came for two things: racing, and to see what the younger Bush has done with the White House. I heard that they have thoroughly updated the dungeon. PL: Dungeon? QE: I’ ve said too much. PL: Uh huh. And the racing? QE: I have always harbored the desire to witness two of America’s greatest spor ting spectacles: the Kentucky Derby and NASCAR. Phillip and I were quite disappointed to lear n that the “Jamestown 400” is not in fact a NASCAR race. I’ ve got a few Euros on Dale Ear nhardt Jr. to win the cup this year. PL: You’re a hardcore gambler, aren’t you? QE: How did you know? PL: The shape of your head—square in front and pointy in back. It’s the mar k of a heavy bettor. What’s something the general public doesn’t know about you?

QE: Quite a lot actually, considering that I’ ve never given a proper inter view before. Let me see… I stopped shaving my legs in 1966. Oh, and I keep the skull of Oscar Wilde on my bedside table. Phillip hates it when I make Oscar sing. PL: Thank you ver y much. I’m going to tr y and forget I ever asked that question. QE: It’s probably for the best. PL: Any thoughts on the ter ror? QE: Young man, until you’ ve watched your own children mix a thousand year s of pure royal blood with that of meanfaced commoner s, you don’t know the meaning of ter ror. PL: Point taken. Last question: final thoughts on America? QE: Please put downs your guns and behave more like your little brother Canada. 33

C o n v e r s at i ons From The A m e r i c a n H oly Roman Empire by Tyler Bass

image by Jeff Smack

One day, Attorney General Bob McDonnell sent an advisory brief to an Illinois Federal District Court, his public relations efforts chalking up his influence as defending “traditional understanding of religious freedom” and halting “the possible loss of the direct and substantial impacts the Jamboree has on the Commonwealth.” McDonnell’s intended consequence was to defend the Secretary of Defense’s monetary and logistical support for the National Boy Scout Jamboree at Fort A.P. Hill near Bowling Green, Virginia. By e-mail, he expressed his pleasure to the press that a Chicago decision indicting the Defense Department had been overturned. Governor Tim Kaine declined to comment in depth to RVA on McDonnell’s actions. Kaine voiced 34

his understanding that the case was a federal, as opposed to a commonwealth, funding matter. “It’s not one that I have really focused on at all,” he said. Though, he alluded to having supported the Boy Scouts in one way or another while Richmond mayor. McDonnell Press Secretary J. Tucker Martin’s explanation for his boss’s advisory brief was a curious one. “The Boy Scouts of America are a theistic organization, not a religious one,” he said. As I wrote down the explanation in the margins of a Grace St. Little Caesar’s customer survey, Martin advised me that the Boy Scout Jamboree’s standing congressional support did not constitute a violation of the Establishment Clause, which prohibits the government from prohibiting the free exercise of religion. Soon after the federal trial had wound

down in early April, I conversed with Eugene Winkler, the primary plaintiff on the suit against Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Winkler is the head of Gary United Methodist Church in Wheaton, Illinois. Tyler Bass What was your personal stake in preventing the federal funding from going to the Jamboree? Eugene Winkler The Boy Scouts discriminate. I am not only a religious man, a pastor; I was an Eagle Scout, and have served on regional Boy Scout councils. So all of those are in my favor in terms of the Boy Scouts, okay? I am not antagonistic toward the Boy Scouts, but the Boy Scouts have a very limited understanding of what it means to believe in God. On their authority, if you don’t believe in their concept of God, you can’t be a Scout. Their concept of God is – it is my concept of God, certainly – a JudeoChristian concept of God, but if you don’t accept that concept of God, you can’t get into the Scouts. And they’re a discriminatory organization and federal funding is being spent on the Jamboree to further that kind of discrimination. That’s why the suit was filed.

TB Why exactly did they decide that you didn’t have standing? Because it’s not like they weren’t acknowledging many of the facts that you’re presenting to me right now; for example, that they recognize a monotheistic, Judeo/Christian/Islamic even concept of God. Why is it that they rule that you don’t have standing to make this suit as a taxpayer? EW Two words: beats me. If you read there right on the first page, second page of the brief, they admit that they are ignoring the other issues, and that they are just simply saying that I don’t have standing, which is a chicken way out of it. TB They said – EW Let me just say one other thing. These are three old Republican guys. TB The judges? EW These judges. They just didn’t want to deal with the issue. TB When you were a Boy Scout, did you ever question this when you were younger? Did you have atheist colleagues or associates or people who were polytheistic? Did you raise the question in your own youth? EW No, of course not. I wasn’t aware

of those kinds of issues when I was in the Boy Scouts. I mean, I was 12 years old! TB Do you know of Boy Scouts who are atheist or polytheistic… who are just like you (you’re a monotheist)? When did it first start to occur to you that it was perhaps discriminatory to have this sort of oath? EW Well, I guess when I became an adult and was a scout master and was working in regional Scout councils, it became apparent to me that there was a very limited understanding in the Scouts of what it means to be . . . what the Scout motto means for them. TB Do you guys plan to appeal the decision? EW I’m not sure yet because our ACLU lawyer is traveling and we won’t be talking this week. You know, I’m confident – from my point of view – that I want to appeal certainly. Because I think it’s a vital issue that has to be faced. TB Would you still raise the issue even if the feds or the Congress weren’t funding the Boy Scouts

and the Boy Scouts were simply discriminatory? EW Oh, we’ve already raised it in a number of other venues: with the Chicago Board of Education. We’ve already won other suits on this same matter. TB I noticed. I mean, if the Boy Scouts were a private organization and you clearly have– EW They are a private organization. TB But they receive funding from the Congress, do they not? EW Well, that’s why they shouldn’t receive funding from the Congress, and certainly they shouldn’t receive that kind of blessing because it’s an issue of church and state really. TB So you would rather see the Boy Scouts as a separate organization that still kept their motto? EW Oh, sure! TB I was trying to see if you were opposed to the motto itself. EW Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. They can do whatever they want with the motto, or they can discriminate against whomever they want as long as they don’t get federal funding for it.

began to imagine that they could pin God down like a frog under academic dissection – any confounding or appealing mystery to the whole matter officially sliced into ribbons by the magistrate. Find yourself with a dreadful monkey of addiction on your back, and courts may cut you a special break if you attend the “higher power” questing meetings of Narcotics Anonymous. Though it has left the womb of the state, religion has hung onto the establishment by a seemingly indestructible umbilical cord. Locally, the cord’s fluids flow strongest at times like the beginnings of Virginia legislative or Richmond City Council meetings, wherein a preacher is called in by custom to ceremonially unite representatives through their faith in the mortalitytranscending man-God.

At least someone among the feds 35

THESE PEOPLE MUST BE TRIPPING Is Oklahoma City a model for Richmond’s future? Let’s hope not By Don Harrison “Coming here is more about how they dreamed, not how they funded it.” — Robert S. Ukrop, Junket-Taker For a city that puts such a premium on history, Richmond seems to be utterly incapable of learning anything from it. Worse, like poor old Charlie Brown and his doomed relationship with Lucy’s football, Richmond residents appear ever so willing to place their trust in “city leaders” who have shown — time and time again — that they have little actual regard for history… or reality. Take, for example, the annual “Intercity Junket” that area business people, politicians and invited guests take each year to a different locale— 36

sort of a bonding field trip for bigwigs and would-be bigwigs — to learn what other communities are doing. These fact-finding retreats, sponsored by the Greater Richmond Chamber, tend to be about as spontaneous as a clergyman’s hairstyle. By their own admission, the participants just sit around talking to each other — the same people listening to the same voices, year after year — in a different setting. “Last year on the Nashville visit, I had a wonderful opportunity to have conversations with Chesterfield supervisors and administration staff about some fundamental regional issues that I would never have an opportunity to talk with in that depth in course of a year,” Vice-Mayor and city councilperson Bill Pantele told one reporter as was preparing

to embark on another road trip with his buds. It was all aboard to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma this year. When they returned, some of the 100 Junketeers told the press that they obtained some really good dreams for how to spur economic development and help Richmond thrive in the 21st Century. Um, problem is that their “dreaming” sounds a whole lot like previous hallucinations conjured up on earlier retreats — large projects built with city tax money, largely unsupervised by elected officials and wasteful of resources. The new vision looks particularly hellish. The Richmond TimesDispatch reported that the group’s latest trip provided “food for thought” for the Junket Takers. “Is Oklahoma City a model for Richmond’s future? That’s the question leaders from the region are pondering after a visit to the Sooner State’s capital city.”

“By the end of the trip, some participants seemed enthused about one Oklahoma City idea using a temporary sales-tax increase to fund capital projects,” the T-D continued. “Oklahoma City’s temporary tax in the 1990s raised more than $300 million to pay for nine capital projects.” Does this plan sound familiar? It should. As the paper reports: “Around 1998, Richmond region leaders considered a similar plan, identifying 121 area projects that could be funded using a temporary tax. Among them are the downtown performing-arts center, which has received funding from a city mealstax increase, and expansion at the Greater Richmond Convention Center, which was funded through a regional increase in the transientoccupancy tax.” “We’ve made a lot of things happen,” Theodore Chandler, Chairman of the

Greater Richmond Chamber, told the paper. “Now we need a significant regional grass-roots effort.” Mr. Chandler, good luck on rousing the troupes to repeat such horrors as the beleaguered performing arts center project and the expanded convention center — hardly models for civic pride, regional grass roots efforts or even “things that happen.” The arts center project saw millions wasted in the construction of a gigantic downtown hole, with the result behind a shuttered and boarded-up Carpenter Center for who knows how many years. At this writing, the Virginia Performing Arts Foundation is planning a June “groundbreaking” for renovations but had yet to transfer the deed of the Carpenter to the city, as it had agreed to do in January. Reopening Date: Who knows? Cost to Richmond taxpayers: $30 million and counting...

As for the expanded $170 million convention center, which bulldozed a large swath of historic Jackson Ward, Style Weekly recently noted that it wasn’t living up to the earlier, sunny, financial projections made by many of the Intercity boosters. In fact, the center is becoming something of a financial albatross to the entire area. Style disclosed that “ the city and surrounding localities send $11.5 million a year out of the region to pay off the center’s bondholders and... the city pays another $2 million to make up the center’s operating deficit, it’s possible — perhaps likely — that the convention center is actually a drain on the local economy.” The distinguished friends of the Richmond Chamber have made a lot of things “happen,” indeed. There’s more than enough evidence to show that the organization’s annual retreats are prepackaged, predigested events designed to reinforce bad decisionmaking — and encourage boosterismat-all-costs — not foster meaningful change.

For example, the Richmond contingent found itself studying the city of Nashville last year, but failed to even be slightly curious as to how that city built the thriving (and inclusive) new Schermerhorn Symphony Center that sits tall, proud and beloved in Music City’s downtown. Turns out that Nashville didn’t just tax city residents into perpetuity in order to throw a private party for non-taxed suburban residents when it planned its arts center. Unlike Richmond, Nashville built its complex (described by one knowledgeable arts person as “a palace”) after street-level art galleries, nightclubs and coffeehouses had been actively encouraged to help spur activity in the downtown area FIRST. Also contrary to the Richmond effort, Nashville’s center is mostly privately funded, with the city contributing land and tax breaks; the Schermerhorn is also being

advised by actual arts professionals, and led through community inclusion rather than secrecy and closed-door meetings. Last year, the Schermerhorn’s success story was not worth studying by our group. Three guesses why. But this year’s junket takers DID take time to view Oklahoma City’s restored Civic Center Music Hall in order to see how the other way is working. As Todd Culbertson, editor of the Richmond Times-Dispatch editorial section, a participant in this year’s junket, writes: “The Civic Center Music Hall created envy...The Richmonders marched through the multi-tiered, multi-use auditorium with oohs and aahs. “ Culbertson then notes that Oklahoma City did what Richmond was originally planning — to open an arts center in a vacuum of empty downtown buildings with calls of “they will come.” In Oklahoma City, no one came. “The Civic Center Music Hall reopened 37

about six years ago. It is not bordered by bistros, boutiques, and gin joints,” Culbertson writes, drawing parallels to Richmond’s effort. “The Virginia Performing Arts Center suffered because it never was clear whether the primary goal was economic development or artistic excellence. The two can complement each other but successful arts venues put the arts first.”

high-rises of various degrees of aesthetic distinction and insult. The missing ingredients are human beings. Where are the people? In the tunnels that connect the buildings (and provide shelter from persistent gusts and summer’s dusty heat), we are informed. Inspections found no one underground. There is scant life on the streets or beneath them.

cultural evolution and economic necessity (which often is a euphemism for political clout) may have doomed downtowns as they were known and loved, shortsighted actions by the brightest and the best hastened decay of the urban core.”

That was something that our Best Citizens would have learned last year if they had studied Nashville’s arts center. But I digress...

“The downtown shows few traces of bustling yesteryears... officials explain that many years ago downtown succumbed to bulldozer and wrecking ball as the city prepared for a revival that never came. Remnants appear here and there. An occasional building sports an art deco facade or the charming details that take architecture beyond utility. Urban renewal has a lot to answer for, in Oklahoma City and in many elsewheres.”

Having to even pose the question is what brings us to history. The biggest wigs of the Best Citizen Junket Taking Collective, back from vacation, dreaming with your tax money again, can’t even acknowledge the sad history they’ve made, much less learn any valuable lessons from it.

In his report from Oklahoma City, Culbertson shows mixed feelings about what he saw and heard from both OK civic leaders and his fellow junketeers. The editorial page editor writes critically about how Oklahoma City funded the civic initiatives that our Richmond insiders found so attractive on their visit — it was through a sneakily-bundled tax hike — and the familiar-sounding results: “Oklahoma City’s downtown presents a sight. It boasts a large convention center, an NBAquality arena, an impressive library, and 38

If you had images of the Sixth Street Marketplace and the expanded Convention Center pop in your head while you read all of that, you aren’t alone. Culbertson concludes:“Although

More wasteful projects, no street life, loads of taxpayer debt —these are the new ideas from our “brightest and best.” So let’s repeat the question: Is Oklahoma City a model for Richmond’s future?

But when even the long-standing waterboy for Richmond’s status quo — the editor of the Times-Dispatch op ed page! — will admit (whether he meant to or not) that enough is enough — that all our Best Citizens have been doing is recycling the same old sleepy and dangerous delusions for the past 25 years — it might just be long past time for this city to give these self-appointed “city leaders” a serious wake up call. Either that or to ship them out of town for good. Don Harrison is a Richmond-based freelance writer, and the cofounder of saverichmond.com, where an earlier version of this essay first appeared.

THE PROS OF ANTI & PRO RVA delves deeper than Ben Folds Five

By Carl Willington This past legislative session, Delegate Robert Marshall submitted a bill to the General Assembly designed to criminalize abortion in the Commonwealth of Virginia should an influential federal court case be overturned. Because it was a so-called “trigger law,” Bob Marshall’s sponsored bill was for him a contingency strategy, somewhat like a recently passed and signed South Dakota bill which was pressuring the Supreme Court to reconsider its current influential decision. Ultimately, both the South Dakota statute and the Virginia bill would be ill-fated – the former’s demise the product of a statewide referendum, the latter’s the result of a lack of votes in 40

a Courts and Justice Subcommittee. Up many floors in his downtown office, casually regarding a photo of his family on his desk behind us, I sat down with Del. Marshall and had to ask . . . Robert Marshall Why did I do it? Carl Willington Yes. RM Because the Pope called me up, and told me to do it. CW (Laughter) Seriously? RM No, he didn’t call me up. He doesn’t know my phone number. It’s been my position for 60 years, so it’s nothing new. And a number of people have been asked to answer your question about this when they do this, when they’ve run for office. And a bunch of them say they’d vote for this, so I mean if the Supreme Court were to overturn [Roe], that has to happen by an independent text. A new law. Another law would have to be passed, which goes up to the Court. And then the Court reverses their decision. It’s not likely to happen. CW If your bill actually does take effect if [Governor] Kaine signs it and all that,

what sort of infrastructure – RM If he goes to his church meeting. CW Well, that would also mean he’s also against the death penalty, and he’s not exactly calling for a moratorium, is he? RM Actually, the death penalty is an option in Catholic catechism. It is not a requirement. It’s an option. I’ve read it. CW Are you Catholic? RM I’m a papist. Yes. CW To alleviate this, would you provide infrastructure? Obviously, there would be more babies. RM We’ve adopted babies. We’ve adopted three children. CW Do you think that the state has any role in assisting in adoption, or hooking people up with foster families? RM Maybe giving the tax break option to some people. I mean, there are types of adoption agencies that I think handle the load pretty well. The public should step in, and be the ones to deal with social welfare. I mean, there are social welfare departments that handle the rules of adoption. CW And on criminalizing abortion? RM Look, this was on the books from 1857 to 1970. Women weren’t oppressed. Children were protected regardless of your racial or economic status. Strict equality in the womb, before slavery was abolished. It was the one point in everyone’s existence – You should look at the original law that was passed. It did not say it was a felony if it was a white child of a free woman, OK? The slave child also was protected by law. It was the same felony to kill a slave child by abortion as it was to kill a free child by abortion. You had strict equality there, but we don’t think like that. CW Chain her down? Make her have it? RM No. ‘Cause if we did that, OK, you can’t point to women being prosecuted

for abortion being legal. What’s really going on here is, abortion is man’s right, OK? – to have fun with a woman, and then leave her with no responsibilities at all. So, abortion gets the guy off the hook. It does nothing for the woman… causes her physical problems, causes her mental problems. She may have difficulty having children. She may have more miscarriages. There’s all kinds of problems that happen when women have abortions. So, the law protected those women and children… and frankly, it doesn’t matter. It seemed like if people like Marshall had their way, though, the prospect of physical coercion by police would matter. The life of a fetus, an unborn child, a non-sentient being (whatever you want to call it) – when his or her value is directly legally paralleled with that of a independently functioning person – would mandate a pregnant woman’s discomfort by restraints. Even six months later, not a day passes when I do not continue to wish that I

would have been welcome to travel with my ex-girlfriend to the abortion clinic, but by then I had worn out my welcome with her for reasons by all accounts irrelevant to this heated and confusing discussion in American society. Whatever fun I had had meant nothing when for her the chips were down, but I had proven myself a terrible friend. It’s a much longer story about why I was not the father that I had dreamt of being someday. My sense of loss is one much different than that Marshall imagined must exist, at least by the token that mine exists whatsoever. It was a time of confusion, a time of worry, a time of desiring independent choice for a friend I had betrayed through a then recentlyuncovered series of infidelities. Marshall’s paralleling the value of a white child’s life versus that of a black slave child’s for the greater part of the 19th century South immediately smelled flimsy. Protections for a slave’s potential “existence like our own” stood

for the same reason that killing the potential labor fruits of a pregnant cow was wrong. If I, as a free white man, had assisted in the abortion of a black slave, there is no doubt that I would have faced lesser punishment in most circles than had I assisted in a white woman’s. Now, for some background, mull over a somewhat popularly known argument that abortion is morally permissible regardless of whether personhood is granted to the first-trimester fetus. Imagine if a society of music lovers disabled, kidnapped, and transfused your body fluids into an ill worldfamous violinist whom your blood type was uniquely qualified to sustain during his nine-month recovery period. Philosopher Judith Jarvis Thompson laid this scenario down in 1971 as a way of trying to make obvious how our obligations to others do not necessitate the involuntarily leasing of our bodies. Many women, such as my ex, had no intention of becoming pregnant while having intercourse, so the idea is

that they are blameless for choosing abortion, and – by consequence – choosing to disconnect themselves from benefactor status. Whatever that argument’s merits, it seemed anathema to the federal precedents that established legal abortion nationwide. That precedent, by contrast, relied on the supposition that “life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness” only protected persons, a semantic category into which fetuses were not pegged. I sought out somebody who knew what they were talking about. On March 8, Sarah Weddington stood on stage in VCU’s Commonwealth Ballroom clutching a 2003 issue of Time. She had written 300 words of copy for one feature, “80 Days That Changed The World.” To commemorate the Supreme Court’s Roe v Wade decision, editors had selected the 1973 decision as one of their mighty global shifters. She bemoaned how only ten of Time’s 41

incidences involved women. “So my private agenda, which I am happy to share, is to increase the percentage of women who have exceedingly important roles in our society.” Her public agenda has already established a substantial and oft-controversial legacy; Weddington was one of two attorneys to represent an alleged rape victim’s case, thus sparking a decision that effectively legalized all first-trimester abortions in the United States. Like Marshall, Weddington was once a state representative, back in an era where pharmacists were actually prosecuted for selling birth control pills to married couples. In the past, Weddington would often wear a button with a slash over a coat hanger symbol. She relayed an anecdote where, years into the case’s consequent societal transformation, curiosity drove a confused flight attendant to ask Weddington, “What do you have against coat hangers?” 42

“For us,” she said, “it meant no coat hanger abortions, no back-alley abortions.” After the lecture, I approached Weddington with a few questions. Unfortunately, I was then attributing, in Weddington presence, the violinist argument to Peggy Noonan (a noted abortion opponent). Fortunately, the esteemed lawyer’s memory was not jogging so well either, but she caught my drift at least about the argument’s substance. No fabulists are RVA, no siree. Read on. CW I was wondering what your response is to the fact that your former client, formerly known as Roe, really switched her position on the issue of abortion. I was just really curious about your retrospective. Sarah Weddington Norma McCorvey, who has made her own name public or I wouldn’t, was Jane Roe. As I said, it was not a case about her. It

was for all women who were or might become pregnant and want the option of abortion, but she was certainly the person whose situation – one page affidavit –[fellow counselor Linda Coffee and I] addressed to the court. When I met her, she said she was very pro-choice. She thought it ought to be her decision. She had already had one child whom her mother had taken away from her on the basis that she was not fit to raise a child. She had never finished high school. She’d been in state reformatory school. She had had trouble with alcohol. She had had trouble with drugs. Again, all of this in her book, or I wouldn’t say it. So I think she was saying that she was pregnant; she didn’t want to be; she couldn’t support herself; she certainly couldn’t support a child; she did not want to go through the pregnancy. And I believed her. I still believe her. Now, she was pro-choice and very involved in giving speeches in favor of Roe v Wade until about 1975 [1995]. So for about

25 years, at least, she was still very prochoice. In about 1975 [again, actually 1995] – and you can check it and find the exact date I’m sure in media, a man named Flip Benham, who was head of one of the anti-choice groups, visited with her, and eventually she decided to work with him anti-abortion. So there was a backyard swimming pool baptism, I’m told paid for by – I think it was People Magazine. And since then she has said that she was opposed to abortion, so she worked for a while with Flip Benham, had a falling out, worked with the man who’s in charge of Priests For Life [Fr. Frank Pavone]. Evidently, they had a falling out. Her first book was I Am Roe, which was about why she supported Roe v Wade. Her second book was No More Roe, which was why she was against it. The movie she sold her story for was called Roe v Wade, and it was why she was so proud to have been involved in Roe v Wade. It won an Academy Award

as a sort of documentary category. Amy Madigan played me. I wasn’t really in favor of the movie. But they finally explained that they could make it whether I said yes or no. I finally signed away the rights, but only as “the attorney in Roe v Wade” and nothing else. I’ve never made any comments about Norma McCorvey because I’m never quite sure what the truth is. She certainly had the right to change her mind. She certainly has the right to have whatever opinion she wants to have in time. I’m just glad that we won Roe v Wade, and that, for many women, it is their decision. It is not my decision for them. It’s not her decision for them. It is their decision for themselves. And that is what Roe v Wade represents to me. CW I remember in Roe v Wade, in my reading of it, there was an interpretation by many people that if personhood per se was ever established for a fetus, it could serve as a threat to decision made in [Roe v Wade]. And I

was curious if you thought there would be a way to maintain the barriers for women’s rights that stand right now over whether or not to bear a child out to nine months, whether that could still be done if personhood was established per se? SW [Personhood] is certainly part of [that decision] because the Constitution says that all persons born or naturalized are citizens. And so that’s certainly been a very key part of it: “all persons born or naturalized” are citizens. CW What do you think of [Judith Jarvis Thomson’s] violinist argument? You know, where you got the violinist hooked up to you? CW Certainly what she was trying to say is, nobody has the right to control the body of somebody else, even if it was a famous violinist. Actually, No More Roe was McCorvey’s ministry, not a book. Weddington was referring to the 1998

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book Won By Love. The film Roe v Wade collected an Emmy for Outstanding Drama/Comedy Special, an Emmy for Holly Hunter, and a Golden Globe for Amy Madigan’s performance. In addition, the film never won an Oscar. McCorvey’s personal history is now a footnote to the case’s decision, both wildly celebrated as a victory for women’s rights and hated, hated, hated. My conclusions are few regarding this issue’s future. If the Right does wipe out legal abortion, it will be by a Supreme Court decision whose arrival to me will seem to climb out of the blue, through a series of deliberations and winds I cannot see shifting. If the Left sustains the right to choose, it will be continue to be met by Jesus Freaks, women with “Abortion hurt me” signs, and the Pope. I, for one, wonder if Bob is receiving any congratulatory infallible phone calls. 43

Okay,

Digby,

by Cesca Janece Waterfield

Yes, image by Adam Juresko

At his words, Vi was again aware he was there. She swung back and smiled devilishly as she headed toward the door. She sang a song by her favorite band, Do-on’t ask me no questions, and I won’t tell you no lies. She broke up laughing. Laughing at Digby. She pushed down the lock stem and closed the back door. Stop that, Vi, you are unreal. He was still telling her when she gently pulled him away, slammed the hatchback door and handed him the keys.

Vi climbed in the passenger side and pulled on her seatbelt. She dusted off her thighs. I cannot Do we have the Wet Naps, Digby? Vi flipped her bangs out of her eyes and leaned into the believe we are taking a vacation together - to-ge-ther, Vi - and you cannot answer one simple back of the Jeep. Because we have to have the Wet Naps. question. Digby got in the Jeep and shut his door. Vi checked out her sunglasses in the side mirror. Digby put the keys in the ignition then his hands in his lap. A serious, simple question, Vi. I Digby was standing at the hatchback in front of the cooler. He sliced open a bag of ice would do it for you. Vi snapped on the radio. and started to pour it over the cans of beer and the diet Mr. Pibbs. He stopped. I just don’t understand why you won’t tell me, Vi. I’m just asking for some seriousness for one You are unreal, Vi. minute. Okay, Digby, Digby, yes. I will not lie. Vi looked up at the roof of the Jeep at the sagging felt, exhaled in exasperation, and turned down the radio. She rotated gravely in the passenger seat to They were packing for the trip to Daytona Beach and there was much to do. Vi rifled look at Digby. through the diaper bag she was using for supplies. She ticked off items on her long painted fingernails; tanning oil, People magazines, nabs and fruit, playing cards, fuzz Yes. Yes. You do have a gray pube. buster, address book for postcards. She glanced back at Digby and felt her jeans pocket for the phone number to the dark haired guy. Digby would spend one night out carousing Digby stared apprehensively, mouth slightly open, tongue just touching his proud teeth. He with the boys she hoped, god. nodded slowly. She came around the rear of the Jeep with an armful of beach towels. It’s not like I wouldn’t do it for you, Digby said petulantly. Vi cut her eyes at him and nudged him aside as he emptied the bag. She surveyed the tightly packed trunk and finally placed the towels on top of a tackle box. I would not ask you that, Digby.

Thank you, Vi, thank you. That’s all a man wants, a little seriousness. Vi looked back at him. Some seriousness for one minute.

Vi looked into the Jeep, she was making sure they were packed. Digby stood looking expectantly at Vi. It’s a serious thing, Vi. A very serious… a man thing.

All right! We are in business. He turned the ignition and pulled it out of park.

Suddenly Digby clapped his hands together and rubbed them briskly.

Daytona Beach, we are in business!

CBR 7 Tales Fr om The Road by B r a nd o n Pe c k im a ge s by Jo hn Ya m a s hit a , C hr is B a ine s & R . Ant h o ny H a r r is C B R is a s c a v e nge r h unt . C B R is a r o a d t r ip. C B R is a my s t e r y. I he a r d C B R d e s c r ib e d a s b e ing a w e e k lo ng, but t he r e a r e no d ay s a nd it f e e ls lik e a month. I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t have s um m e d it up b e t t e r my s e lf. I n t he w e e k I s p e nt w it h a f e w f r ie nd s a nd a lo a d o f s t r a nger s, I saw places Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; d ne v e r s e e n b e fo r e , d o ne t hing s I ha d ne v e r d o ne b e fo r e , a nd le a r ne d a l o t a b o ut my s e lf. In the days following t he t r ip, I fo und my s e lf lo s t , unm o t i v a t e d , a nd l o ng in g fo r t he c o m p a nio n s hip o f e v e r yone that spent a week w it h m e o n t he o t he r s id e o f t he c o un t r y. W h a t fo llo w s is a f ir s t ha nd a c c o unt f r o m s o m e o ne w ho s p e nt e a c h p a s s ing d ay jus t t r y in g t o k e e p up w it h c lue s, ha ngov e r s a nd lo ng d r i v e s. L o ng li v e C B R !

THE PL AY ERS

Live ‘Til You Die - B r a n d o n P e c k - J e r e m y W i l s o n - J u s t i n A d l y - T h o m a s H a n n a

M o t h e r b o y - A s h l y H u t c h e n s - A s h b y Z e hmer Big Whoo p ( a k a B i g W i m p ) Z o e We b s t e r - A n i c a J a s p e r - C a i t l i n We b s t e r

G F S - C h r i s “ B a i n e s w o r t h ” B a i n e s - M i c h a e l Ramey CBR Jer k s a k a “ T he P r o d uc t io n C r e w ” John “Ya m b a g ” Ya m a s hit a – As ia n Jo e Ro g a n / b a d d ir e c t io ns a nd s p e lling Jason H e nr y – q uie t a nd c unning John Ma r t in – Ve g a s a f f ilia t e / s o ul (p a t c h) m a n / c a t no i s e s Lander “ L it t le B it c h” Sa lz b e r g – t he p e r s o n yo u s ho uld t a lk t o if yo u lik e ge t t ing “ I d o n’ t k no w ” a s a n a ns w e r Sar a He d ge c o t h – hig h p it c he d ye lling / Je t Sk i p r o f e s s io na l Tony Ha r r is – R VA m a g a z ine o n a f r e e t r ip / f ill- in t e a m m e m b e r Jesse C la r k – c a m e r a g uy / r e s id e nt b e a r d i ns t r uc t o r 47

Monday, A pril 23r d – Ric hm o n d , Vir g inia CBR w as finally underw ay. T ho m a s, Jus t in a n d I p a c k e d in t o Je r e my ’ s c a r a n d we met up with the other t e a m s a nd s o m e o f t he o r g a niz e r s a t R ic ha r d ’ s Rendezvous, a strip c lub on B r o a d St r e e t . T his m a r k e d my f ir s t t i m e e v e r s e t ting foot inside a strip c lub, a nd I ha d a b it o f t r o uble p r o c e s s ing e v e r y t h ing. Jer emy plopped down in fr o nt o f t h e s t r ip p e r, le a v ing a f i v e - d o l la r b ill, w hile I c hoked down a beer and trie d t o lo o k li k e I w a s n’ t f e e li ng a w k w a r d . T he t i m e came to meet up with the o r g a niz e r s, t ur n in t he m o n ey w e ha d r a is e d , a n d to sign some w ai ver s. We w e r e g i v e n a s c a v e nge r hunt lis t a nd t o ld t o m e e t at Cous Cous in four hour s. We had another beer and hit t he r o a d , s t o p p ing a t s t o r e s in t he a r e a t r y ing to find any and all of t he t hing s o n t he lis t . I w a s d r o p p e d o f f a t ho m e , w hile Jer emy and Justin plu nd e r e d t he c it y (a nd St ic k y R ic e ) fo r t he ne e d e d ar tic les. I pac ked up my b a g s, g r a b b e d a f e w o f t he t hing s on t he lis t ( a leaf, a pay stub, and some o t he r r a nd o m t hing s ), a nd g r a b b e d a r id e t o m e e t e ver yone.

M uc h t o o ur d is p le a s ur e , it w a s r e v e a le d t ha t no t o nly w as the list a joke, but e a c h t e a m c o uld o nly p a c k o ne b a g t o c he c k , a n d o n e car r y-on. Bac k to Jus t in’ s w e w e nt , p o o l no o d le a nd a ll, t o c o m b i ne o ur b e lo ngings and discar d t he s t uf f w e c o uld d o w it ho ut . We m a na ge d t o b o r r o w a big suitcase and fo und s o m e o n e t o d r i v e us t o t he a ir p o r t a t 4 a m , a nd t hen decided to get d r unk a nd p lay v id e o g a m e s. 3 : 3 0 a m r o l le d a r o u nd a nd our escor t dr ove us t o t he a ir p o r t . U p o n a r r i v ing, a n e m p t y a ir p o r t g r e e t e d us, but t he s ilence only lasted a s ho r t w h ile a s G F S a nd M o t he r b oy s huf f le d in b e hind u s, and soon we wer e a l l b e ing r e g a le d by a d r unk e n A s hby w ho ha d b e e n c us sed out by a f loor s w e e p e r in t he b a t hr o o m . Ev e nt ua lly t he g ir ls in B ig W ho o p ar ri ved, and soon a f t e r, L a nd e r a nd Sa r a . We w e r e g i v e n o u r b o a r d ing p a s s e s, c hec ked our one b a g a nd t r ud ge d t o o ur g a t e . Alr e a dy ge a r e d up t o p a r t y, w hen fir st call ha p p e ne d , my t e a m a nd b o t h o f t he g uy s in G F S he a d e d t o t he local w atering hole, Sa m ue l Ad a m s, w he r e o ur b a r t e nd e r B o b b ie Jo f e d us b eer af ter beer and s ho t a f t e r s ho t . Jus t in t im e fo r o ur p la ne t o b e g in b oar ding, Justin let loose his stom -

ac h and vomited all over the f lo o r o f t he b a r. O n e t-shir t down, and pool noo d le in ha nd , Ju s t i n a n d the r est of us hopped on o ur f lig ht t o C hic a go, heading on to Las Ve g as. Tuesday, A pril 24th – Las Ve g a s, N e v a d a T hanks to a 3 hour dif fer e nc e , o ur p la ne la n d e d just shy of noon, and I fo und my s e lf l e s s s ur prised than I should have b e e n w he n I w a lk e d o u t of our g ate to find dozens o f s lo t m a c hine s, a n d dozens of people playing t he m . We o p e ne d o u r fir st c lue, a pictur e of Jo hn M a r t in w it h a n o t e that said, “An auto gr a ph is w o r t h a t ho us a n d wor ds, ” or something like t ha t . W hile w e w a i t e d for our c hec ked lug g a ge, Jus t in w e nt t o s m o k e a cig ar ette and w as a ppr oac he d by a d o uc he b a g with Rod Ste w ar t-esque ha ir, w ho

he q uic k ly r e a liz e d w a s a c t ua lly Jo hn M a r t in in d is g ui s e . G i v e n a C D, a n ex t r a c r e d it s c a v e nge r hunt lis t , a nd t he hint t o go t o N a t io na l c a r r e nt a l s, w e s ho o k t he s le e p f r o m o ur eye s a nd ho p p e d o n a bus, m a na g ing t o b e a t e v e r yo ne t o t h e c a r r e nt a l t e r m ina l, but in t he p r o c e s s Je r e my fo r go t his b a c k p a c k o n t he bus. Jo hn Ya m as hi t a a nd J a s o n H e n r y g r e e t e d us, a n d a f t e r a b o ut 2 0 m inut e s a ll t he t e a m s ha d a r r i v e d . Je r e my ha d r e c la im e d his b a c k p a c k a nd M o t he r b oy ha d r e a liz e d t ha t t he ir v id e o c a m e r a w a s b r o k e n. We a ll he a d e d t o t he g a r a ge a nd fo un d o ur c a r s, o ur s b e ing a w hit e Po nt ia c Vib e . O nc e ins id e , w e ha d t he C D in t he s t e r e o a nd w e r e i nfo r m e d t ha t w e w o uld b e o n o ur o w n fo r t he nex t 6 ho ur s fo r a s e p a r a t e Ve g a s s c a v e nge r hu nt . Sp o t t ing a n i n fo r m a t io n build in g w e s t o p p e d

ins id e a nd m e t a nic e g ir l w ho g ave us the names o f a ll t he c a s ino s t ha t ho us e d the items on our lis t a nd w e t o o k s o m e p ic t ur e s of w ax statues of W h o o p ie G o ld b e r g a nd t he G ov er nator. Se v e r a l c a s ino s a nd p h o t o s la t er, we wer e stand ing ins id e t he M G M a t t e m p t ing to take a pictur e o f o ur s e lv e s in t he R a info r e s t C afé, w hen a couple o f f e r e d t o t a k e o ur p i c t ur e . T hen they dr opped T ho m a s ’ s c a m e r a d e s t r oy ing a ll the e vidence that w e ’ d c o m p le t e d a ny t hing o n t he list. In a huf f we d e c id e d t o r e t r a c e o ur s t e p s, and take the pic t ur e s ov e r a g a in w i t h my c a m e r a w hen it w as dis c ov e r e d t ha t my c a m e r a w a s be ginning to er ase p ic t ur e s a t r a nd o m , s o Je r e my’s camer a became t he o n ly o ne le f t . We ’ d k no c k e d o f f q uit e a f e w mor e

things on the list (inc luding a la s t m inut e a d d it io n, a r ed gumball) by the time it c a m e t o m e e t up w it h e ver yone. No one actually s e e m e d t o k no w w he r e the addr ess we wer e gi ven w a s, s o Jo hn M a r t in g ave us some ne w dir ections a nd w e f ina lly a r r i v e d at his house. Gr eeted by a ke g and a bunc h o f fo o d , m o s t o f u s for got a bout the f act that w e ha d n’ t r e a lly s le p t , we be g an taking shots. It w a s o nly a s ho r t w hi le befor e ne ws came that we w e r e go ing o u t , a n d befor e we kne w it ther e w as a s t r e t c h H um m e r l im o sitting o utside with tec hno bla s t ing f r o m w it hin. All of us hopped in, fully r ec o g niz ing t he r id ic ulo u s natur e of the situation at ha nd , a nd I bug ge d t he dri ver to please “thr ow so m e D ’ s o n t h a t b it c h. ” It seemed like only 10 minut e s o r s o b e fo r e w e ended up at Dino’s, a shitt y lit t le b a r w it h a na s t y bar tender, some pool ta bles a nd a c ov e r b a nd t ha t alter nated between cover s o f b a d r a d io hit s, a n d c lassic punk tunes like “B r o hy m n” by Pe nny w is e and a fe w R ancid and Oper a t io n I v y c ov e r s. I t w a s only a matter of time befo r e I w a s d r unk e no ug h to get up on sta ge and sing a lo ng w i t h t he b a n d , and late r fr ont the band a s w e bla s t e d t hr o ug h a Jour ney song, ef fecti vely c r o s s ing t w o t hing s o f f of our list. I tried to show o ne o f t he g uy s f r o m t he band our ne w handshake, a nd c lim b e d a bus s he l ter and we moved to anothe r b a r w he r e a bum m e d out bar tender spent a bout h a lf a n ho ur w a t c h in g us make asses of our selves o n a s t r ip p e r p o le a n d 50

p ut St ic k y R ic e s t ic k e r s a ll ov e r his b a r. I ha r a s s e d s o m e p e o p le a t a d r i v e t hr o ug h , c lim b e d a t r e e , a n d s o m e ho w go t b a c k t o Jo hn M a r t in’ s. T he r e , a ll o f t he t e a m m e m b e r s w e r e i nt e r v ie w e d ind i v id ua lly a nd Je r e my w a s p us he d int o t he p o o l. I ha d a f e w m o r e b e e r s a nd w a s ge ne r a lly lo u d , a n d t he n I p a s s e d o ut in my s le e p ing b a g a m o ng s t a s e a o f o t he r p e o p le w ho ’ d r e a liz e d s le e p w o ul d b e a go o d id e a . We d ne s d ay, A p r il 2 5 t h – L a s Ve g a s, N e v a d a As us ua l, I w a s t h e la s t t o w a k e up, d e s p it e p e o p l e b e ing l o ud a nd s t e p p ing ov e r my b o dy. I f e l t lik e s hi t , w hic h w a s n’ t t o o w e ir d c o ns id e r ing I ’ d ha d e n o ug h d r ink s t he nig ht b e fo r e t o bla c k o ut p a r t s o f it . We we r e t o ld t o go t o t he g r o c e r y s t o r e a n d buy fo o d t o m a k e b r e a k f a s t fo r t he p r o d uc t io n c r e w. As s ho l e s. I w a s t o ld I lo o k e d ho m e le s s, but I w a s t o o bus y s ho p p ing fo r b r e a k f a s t bur r it o s up p lie s w it h C hr i s B a ine s w o r t h t o ge t a go o d lo o k a t my s e lf, ins t e a d o p t ing fo r C hr i s ’ t a k e o n my a p p e a r a nc e . As h by r o lle d a s ho p p ing c a r t int o a s un blo c k s t a nd a n d a bunc h o f p e o p le s t a r t e d s t a r ing a t us. M y t e a m m a t e s w e r e a lr e a dy t hink ing a he a d a s t hey b o ug h t a bunc h o f s a nd w ic h s up p lie s a nd a c o o le r. B a c k a t t he ho us e , Jo hn a nd I f ilm e d a n “ M T V C r ib s ” w he r e I s ho w e d t he c a m e r a a r o und my

p la c e , s ho w e d o f f a ll t he s t uf f I bought at dol la r s t o r e s, a nd int r o d uc e d a l l of my g ay friends, inc lud i ng B a ine s w o r t h w ho d e li ver ed my bur rito to m e w it h his s hir t p ul le d up t hr ough the collar. We a l l r e la x e d fo r a b i t w a t c hing s ome of the foota ge f r o m t he p r e v io us ni g ht (a nd f illing in some of the blur r y s p o t s in my m e m o r y ), w hen all of a sudden w e w e r e info r m e d t ha t t he r e w a s a c lue in the pool a n d e v e r yo ne w e nt s p r int ing f r om the house and int o t he p o o l. T he c lue r e a d “ B e t w e e n a r o c k and a har d place” a n d t he r e w a s a r e d c hili p e p p er inside. In our in f init e w is d o m , w e im m e d i a t e ly t hought it had to be r o c k c lim b ing, a nd w hile Jus t in dried of f the stuf f he ha d in his p o c k e t s w he n he jumped in the pool, T ho m a s lo o k e d o nl in e fo r r o c k c limbing places in t he a r e a . C o m p le t e ly ig n o r ing the wor ds “har d” a n d “ r o c k ” a nd t he r e d - ho t c hili pe pper, we de d uc e d t ha t t he r e d p e p p e r a nd t he r ed gumball had t o p o int t o Re d Ro c k C lim b in g C enter, a spot near ly 3 0 m inut e s a w ay. I t w a s n’ t unt il we got ther e that w e r e a liz e d w e ’ d m a d e a m is t a ke. W h e n w e go t t o t he H a r d Ro c k Café, and found our w ay t o t he b a r w it h a ll o f Re d Hot Chili Pe pper’s c o s t um e s o n t h e w a ll, w e w e r e a bout an hour late. Sho r t ly t he r e a f t e r, a v a n p ulled up and we wer e int r o d uc e d t o o ur ne w f r i e nd w hose name I for got, a n d q uic k ly r e p la c e d w it h “ C r e e p.” We wer e going L a nd Sa iling, a nd w e w e r e go in g to Califor nia to do it . O n t he w ay t o t he d r ie d up lake bed that would

be the site of our adventur e , C r e e p f a r t e d a nd w e a ll w e r e g a g gi ng … ex c e p t Ashby. He w as talking a bout ho w he ha d b e e n a c t ing g ay his w ho le lif e , bu t isn’ t, in f act, g ay. Land Sailing is like having a s a il b o a t w it h w he e l s. T h e w ind w a s n’ t blo w in g w hen we fir st star ted, and no o ne w a s v e r y i m p r e s s e d , but o nc e t he w ind b e g an blowing we had some r a c e s a nd w e r e r e a lly f ly ing. T hr o ug ho ut t he s e v e r a l hour s we spent under the s u n, C r e e p m a d e in a p p r o p r ia t e jo k e s a b o u t m in o r i ties to Ashly, joked that buc k ling in p r e t t y g ir ls w a s o ne o f t he p e r k s o f t he job to Anica, and spent a bo u t 1 0 m inut e s s it t ing i n t he t w o - p e r s o n “ blo - c a r t ” with his ar m ar ound Zoe. O n t he w ay b a c k , C r e e p a s k e d t o no t ha v e As h by in the car, w hic h w as due t o t he f a c t t ha t As hby d e c id e d t o f r e a k him o ut by hitting on him thr oughout t he d ay. O n t he d r i v e b a c k , he w a s c r e e py, a nd k e p t looking at Anica’s le gs w hile d r i v i ng, a t le a s t un t il s he s t a r t e d c ha nt ing “Ar e we ther e yet” over and over a g a in w hile g r a b b ing he r c r o t c h a n d s la p p ing he r c hest. When he dr opped us o f f, it w a s o nly a s p lit s e c o nd b e t w e e n t he d o o r c losing and his v an peeling o ut o f t h e p a r k i ng lo t . I t hi nk it w a s a t t his p o in t that I r ealized that as a g r o up, w e w e r e a ll go ing t o g i v e a lo t o f p e o p le a pr etty big cultur e shoc k.

Slid e c ov e r e d in o il , v ine g a r a nd “ m ud f is h” . M ud f is h is t he foulest smelling t hin g I ha v e e v e r s m e lle d , a nd it s t uc k w it h us fo r s e v e r a l days. M y s t o m a c h d id n’ t lik e t he b e e r I w a s d r ink ing s o I s lo w ed down a bit, and b e fo r e w e k ne w it , w e w e r e t o ld t he nig ht w a s n’ t ov e r ye t . T he str etc h Hum m e r s ho w e d up a g a in, a nd w e w e n t fo r a s ho r t b a r ho p, m uc h to my stomac h’s d is p le a s ur e . Af t e r a lo t o f d a nc ing, lo ud m us ic bla r ing in my ear, and people t r y in g t o c r o w d s ur f in t he c a r, w e a r r i v e d b a c k a t Jo hn M ar tin’s house w her e w e w e r e t o ld w e ’ d b e c a m p ing o ut . I n t he b a c k y a r d . Wit h t he mudfish stenc h. W h il e I w a s s e t t ing up Je r e my ’ s t e nt , (o ne t ha t c o uld f it two small c hildr en, no t o ur fo ur p e r s o n t e a m ), he a r r i v e d a n d p r o m p t ly f e ll to the gr ound and p a s s e d o ut f a c e - d o w n in t he d ir t . Af t e r b e ing a w a k e ne d and moved time af t e r t im e , he c lim b e d i nt o his t e nt w it h my p illo w a nd w e nt to slee p. I helped M ic ha e l a nd C hr is s e t up t he ir t e nt (o ne b ig e no ug h t o f it 4 of our s in) and q uic k ly f e ll a s le e p in it . T hur s d ay, A p r il 2 6 t h – L a s Ve g a s, N e v a d a

I took a shower to c lean the d us t o f f o f my b o dy, a nd w he n I go t o ut , I r e a liz e d I w asn’ t feeling too hot. I c ha lk e d it up t o he a t ex ha us t io n a nd la c k o f s le e p and tried to not pay it any m ind a s I c ho k e d d o w n s o m e p iz z a a nd b e e r. T h e n we found out we wer e having a lit t le e v e nt in t he b a c k y a r d . Joy.

I w o k e u p s e v e r a l t im e s t o na us e a a nd a s o r e t hr o a t . G r e at, I’m getting sic k a n d it ’ s o n ly b e e n t w o d ay s. We p a c k e d e v e r y t hing up, shower ed and wer e f ina lly le t o ut t o o ur c a r s w he r e w e fo und a p ic t ur e o f Luke Sk yw alker. On t he b a c k w e r e a c r a p py ha nd d r a w n m a p a n d a no t e t ha t said something like “ t he c ho s e n o ne w i ll c r o s s t he b r id ge o f d e s t o ny [ s ic ] . ” Hmm, I wonder w ho m a d e t his c lue ?

T he pr emise of this e vent w a s m uc h lik e P ik o, ex c e p t t he ho s t d id n’ t s uc k a s muc h. We wer e all asked a q ue s t io n w o r t h 5 0 p o int s, a nd if yo u d id n’ t ge t i t right you had to do a c halle nge , a nd if yo u d id n’ t d o a c ha lle nge yo ur t e a m would lose 200 points. Upo n a ns w e r ing inc o r r e c t ly, As hby, a v e ge t a r ia n , ha d to eat por k rinds doused in s p ic y p e p p e r s, T ho m a s w o r e a m e a t m a s k , Je r e my had to dip his f ace in a spic y v o m it - lik e w a t e r a nd p ic k up e g g s, Jus t in a t e a boiled intestine, Caitlin ate d r ie d f is h, a n d Anic a t o o k a d i v e d o w n a Slip n’

A q u ic k c he c k o f o ur f r e s hly s t o le n r o a d a t la s s ho w e d us t he w ay and we wer e he a d e d t o t he G r a n d C a nyo n , p r e s um a bly t o c r o s s t he ne w ly finished Sk yw alk. I a t e a s a n d w ic h a g a ins t my b e t t e r ju d g m e nt , a nd p a s s e d out. A little w hile a f t e r c r o s s ing t he H o ov e r D a m , w e p ulle d o f f a t a s c e nic over look and I thr e w up my s a nd w ic h. I s le p t a lit t le w hile lo nge r, a nd t he n t o o k over dri ving until w e r e a c he d t he w e lc o m e c e nt e r a t t he G r a nd C a nyo n. A c all fr om Lander told us t ha t w e s ho uld m e e t e v e r yo ne a t t he Sk y w a lk , but t he pr oblem w as the

Sk yw alk w as 4 and a half ho ur s a w ay f r o m t he e nt r a nc e w e w e r e a t . To l d t o w ait for the r est of the tea m s t o s ho w up, w hic h w o uld t a k e a no t he r ho ur o r mor e, we decided to go see t he G r a n d C a nyo n.

b o t t le o f r a nc h d r e s s ing w it h a bum ble b e e o n t he la b e l. Someone figur ed out t ha t t he r e w a s a p la c e in Ar iz o na c a lle d B um ble B e e a nd ther e w as a r anc h in t ha t t o w n. Ea s y e no ug h.

T he Gr and Canyon is something t ha t e v e r yo ne ha s s e e n p ic t u r e s o f. I t ’ s p r e t ty, it’s b ig, and it looks like a c o o l p la c e t o v is it . T he r e i s o ne t hing a p ic t ur e will ne ver tell you a bout the G r a nd C a nyo n, a nd it ’ s t he f a c t t ha t t he f ir s t t i m e you look out on it, you can’ t b e lie v e yo ur eye s. We le f t t he b e a t e n p a t h a n d c limbed down to an ar ea tha t ex t e nd e d o u t f u r t he r t ha n a ny o f t he v ie w in g ar eas and took it all in. It w a s o ne o f t he m o r e s ur r e a l m o m e nt s o f my lif e .

We hi t t he r o a d , a nd Jus t in w a s b r e a k ing e v e r y t r a f f ic la w he could, amongst t he m , d r i v ing 1 2 0 m ile s p e r ho ur a nd p a s s ing p e o p le o n the shoulder. We s t o p p e d a t a s c e nic ov e r lo o k a g a in, a nd Jus t in ha d a b e e r and we got bac k to t he r o a d . A f e w ho ur s p a s s e d a nd w e fo u nd o ur ex it , s w it c hing fr om highw ays t o d ir t r o a d s, a n d fo r e s t s t o r e d r o c k d e s e r t s. We c a m e upon GFS and Tony ha ng ing o ut w it h a c a c t us. Af t e r w e t o o k a f e w p ic t ur e s, both car s headed d o w n t he r o a d t o f ind o ut w he r e w e w e r e go i ng.

We head ed bac k to the me e t ing p o int t o c a t c h up w it h e v e r yo ne a nd f ig ur e out w hat we wer e doing in lig ht o f t he bum d i r e c t io ns w e ’ d b ee n g i v e n. We decided to head bac k to the G r a nd C a nyo n s o e v e r yo ne c o uld s e e it but in t he pr ocess lost the gir ls in Big W ho o p, a nd o nc e w e go t t o o ur s po t , e nd e d up losing Ashby, too. Team Li v e ‘ T il Yo u G F S M o t h e r w a s b o r n. P lus To ny. When the sun went down, w e he a d e d b a c k t o o ur m e e t ing p o int , a nd w e m a d e a cong a line of car s as Land e r g uid e d u s t o o ur nex t d e s t ina t io n, Fla g s t a f f, Arizona. On the w ay we pas s e d a s ig n l e t t ing us k no w w e w e r e le a v ing Ya v a p a i County, w hic h accor ding to Jus t in is a nc ie nt N a v a je s e fo r “ Yo u hav e a p ie . ” We wer e staying in a hostel tha t ni g ht , a nd I w a s jus t a b o ut s p e nt . I s le p t m o s t of the w ay ther e. We went o ut fo r d inne r a t a ne a r by r e s t a ur a nt w he r e I ha d some meatloaf that e ventua l ly, in c o m b ina t io n w it h my a ng r y s t o m a c h, m a d e a dia bolic concoction that w o uld e v e nt ua lly ge t m e k ic k e d o ut o f o ur r o o m fo r making it smell too bad. I t r ie d t o d r ink a g a in, but it w a s n’ t ha p p e ning, s o af ter some foosball and othe r t o m fo o le r y, I hit t he s a c k . Friday, A pril 2 7th – Fla gsta f f, Ar iz o na I woke up with a ne w lease o n lif e . I f e l t g r e a t , s o I g r a b b e d s om e b r e a k f a s t and pac ked up my belonging s. M e a nw hile a ne w c lue w a s g i v e n, t h is t im e a

B u m ble B e e is a t o w n t ha t ho s t s a b o ut 1 7 p e o p le , a lm o s t a ll of w hom wor k on t he B um ble B e e R a nc h. I n t he f e w ho ur s b e fo r e d in ne r, w e set up camp, shot g uns a nd r o d e s o m e ho r s e s int o t he d e s e r t , s id e s t e p p ing cacti of all sha pes, s iz e s a nd c o lo r s. I t w a s inc r e d ible . D inne r w a s a huge s teak, baked beans, s a la d a nd c o r n, a nd a ll o f it w a s s o go o d . I m a int a in t ha t the steak I ate w as t he b e s t I ’ d e v e r ha d . B a ine s w o r t h int r o d uc e d t he r e s t o f us t o a d r ink ing g ame called “Wizar d St a f f ” in w hic h yo u t a p e yo ur e m p t y b e e r c a ns t o t he b o ttom of your ne wly o p e ne d o ne , a n d a lm o s t e v e r yo ne w a s q uic k t o fo llo w s uit. I w as convinced t ha t I w a s go ing t o w in, bu t r e a l iz e d I d id n’ t ha v e it in m e w hen I e ventually s a w t ha t M ic ha e l h a d no t o nly d r a nk e no ug h b e e r s t o m a ke his wizar d staf f t a lle r t ha n he w a s, but ha d s im ult a ne o us ly g i v e n up his sense of balance. Zo e ha d d is c ov e r e d he r t a le nt in la s s o, a nd im p r e s s e d t he guys on the r anc h s o m uc h t ha t t hey g a v e he r o ne , w hic h s he us e d t o la s s o my head a number o f t im e s. Af t e r t he p r o d uc t io n c r e w ha d int e r v ie w e d e v e r y one of the team m e m b e r s, a d r unk e n As hby b e g a n s p illing h is g ut s t o Jo hn a bout some pri v ate m a t t e r s b e t w e e n he a nd As hly, his t e a m m a t e . W he n w o r d got bac k to her, t he r e w a s huge s c r e a m ing m a t c h, a nd s he t o ld him t he ir f riendship w as over. At s o m e p o int in t he nig ht Je r e my d e c id e d t o go c a m p ing by himself, and to 53

do so without telling anyone w he r e he w a s go ing. When Zoe and I r ealized he w a s go ne , w e b e g a n lo o k ing fo r him a nd w e r e har assed by Jesse w ho w a s hid in g i n t he w o o d s t r y ing t o s c a r e us, a nd w e e ventually came acr oss Ashby w ho ’ d p a s s e d o ut in a c ha ir a nd w o uld no t b e moved. When wor d got out t o e v e r yo ne t ha t Je r e my w a s go ne , t he w ho le c a m p tur ned into a sear c h par ty. To ny a nd I t o o k t o a hill ne a r by w it h f la s hlig ht s, and he be g an scr e wing w it h m e by t o s s ing r o c k s int o t he d a r k a nd t h e n pr etending he hadn’ t hear d a ny t hing. I w a s li v id a n d w a nt e d t o k ill Je r e my, and the thought of him in t he d a r k t o s s ing r o c k s a t us p is s e d m e o f f a n d made me ter rified at the sa m e t im e . A s hby, ne w ly r e v i v e d , t r ie d a num b e r o f w ays to find our missing fr ie nd t ha t in c l ud e d t e lling m e t ha t e v e r yo ne ha t e d him, meditating for the saf e r e t ur n o f Je r e my, t ur ning a ll o f t he c a r a la r m s on at the same time, and my p e r s o na l f a v o r it e , ge t t ing o n his b a c k w it h hi s ar ms and le gs pointed to t he s k y a nd s c r e a m in g Je r e my ’ s na m e a s lo u d a s he could. Kelly, the pr e gnant oper ato r o f t he f a r m w a s a w a k e ne d ; a s w a s he r hus b a n d and they helped look ar ound fo r him . We w e r e a b o ut t o g i v e up w he n Jo hn Mar tin r emember ed having s e e n a w iz a r d s t a f f o ut in a f ie ld , a nd w he n w e found it, Baines wor th conf ir m e d t ha t it w a s Je r e my ’ s. K e lly fo und us, a n d told us to take a r est and w e ’ d f in d him i n t he m o r n ing, w he n t he s u n w a s out and we could see. We he a d e d b a c k t o c a m p. I ha d a s ’ m o r e a nd c r a s he d in our tiny tent. Sadly, non e o f t he v id e o c a m e r a s w e r e r o lling t hr o ug h t he w hole de bac le. Satur day, A pril 28th – Bum bl e B e e , A r iz o na I woke up pissed of f and hung ov e r. N o t t o m e nt io n I w a s no w s ha r ing a s m a ll kiddie tent with Justin, w ho’ d le f t t he d o o r o p e n fo r t he b r e e z e , w hic h a ls o le t ants into the tent. And they w e r e c r a w ling o n my f a c e . 54

I headed down to br eakf as t w he r e Je r e my ha d r e t ur ne d f r o m s le e p ing o n a mountain, a ppar ently sur pris e d a t t he r e a c t io n t o his a b s e nc e . I c o uld n’ t e v e n look at him I w as still so ma d . Je s s e s a id he w is he d Je r e my w o uld s t o p s m il in g so muc h, and Tony expr esse d t ha t he w is he d Je r e my ha d a t le a s t b e e n m a im e d by some thing w hile he w as go ne . Ev e nt ua lly w e a ll go t ov e r it , a nd h e a d e d over to the bullpen w her e w e ha d o ur l a s t e v e nt o n t he r a nc h. We wer e going to have a fo o t r o d e o. Al l t he bull s ha d a c o lo r s p r ay - p a in t e d on their butts, and w hen Ke lly w o uld blo w t he w his t le , o ne t e a m w o uld t r y t o r ound up 3 bulls bearing t he c o lo r s he ha d p ic k e d . We w o n, but no t b e fo r e Justin and Ashby had thr ow n up f r o m t h e he a t a nd r unning. Kelly g ave us the c lue “T he Fa w k e s w ill le a d yo u t he r e , ” , w hic h a c c o r d ing t o some Ha r r y Potter f ans on t he t r ip w a s t he na m e o f s o m e o n e ’ s p ho e nix . So w e wer e headed to Phoenix, jus t a s ho r t t r ip f r o m B u m ble B e e . As a p un is hm e n t , Jer emy w as made to ride in t he c a r w it h As hby a nd As hly w ho w e r e no lo nge r talking, and we got to hav e Je s s e in t he c a r w it h us. O nc e w e ’ d go t t e n t o Phoenix, we had no idea w he r e w e w e r e go i ng, s o a f t e r s p o t t ing a B e s t B uy w e stopped so I could buy an F M t r a ns m i t t e r fo r my iPo d , a nd e nd t he s o und t r a c k of cr a ppy r adio stations we ’ d b e e n fo r c e d t o e nd ur e t hus f a r. I n lig ht o f no t having a destination, T hom a s go t a s ha v e a nd ha ir c u t ; w e a t e s o m e M ex ic a n food, r ec laimed our teamm a t e , a nd t r ie d t o c h e c k a f e w t hing s o f f t he lis t . We e ventually got a text me s s a ge t ha t r e a d , “ t he 8 t h p r e s id e nt say s s le e p fo r c hea p,” and a call to A ubur n U ni v e r s it y ’ s q u e s t io n line t o ld m e t ha t M a r t in Van Bur en w as that pr eside nt . O nc e w e fo und Va n B ur e n Av e nue , w e k e p t o ur eyes peeled for a motel tha t s a id s o m e t hing a b o ut b e ing c he a p. I t e nd e d u p being a Budget motel. In our r oom the TV w as on, s e t t o s t a t ic . N o o ne s e e m e d t o r e a lly no t ic e a n d it w asn’ t until someone ask e d if w e ’ d s e e n t he c lue t ha t a nyo ne t o o k no t e o f it. When we tur ned of f the T V, w e s a w “ I t ’ s no t t he he a t , I t ’ s t he hum i d it y ”

w r it t e n o n t h e g la s s. I t lo o k e d lik e s o m e t hing e ls e w a s w r itten a bove it, and t hin k ing t he p r o d uc t io n c r e w ha d s t a r t e d ge t t ing c le v e r, I heated up some w a t e r ho p ing s t e a m w o uld t e ll m e w ha t w a s w r it t e n t he r e. T hat w as w hen As hly a nd t he G F S g uy s c a m e in a nd a d m it t e d t o ha v ing wiped of f the TV. A p p a r e nt ly t he r e s t o f t he c lu e s a id s o m e t hing a b o ut go ing t o St ic k y R ic e a nd ge t t ing t o t s a nd a P B R a nd t e lling t h e b a r t e n d e r w ha t w a s s t ill w r it t e n o n o ur T V s e t . T he b a r t e nd e r s a p p a r e nt ly t o ld As hly ’ s f r ie nd t o b e a t t h e B r ic k ho us e a t 7 . We ha d s o m e t im e t o k ill s o Jus t in t o o k a na p a n d Je r e my a nd T ho m a s w e nt t o ge t St ic k y R ic e a nd C o us C o us t a t t o o s a f t e r b e ing ins p ir e d by M ic ha e l’ s ne w ink . We e v e nt ua lly fo und o ut t ha t t he B r ic k ho us e w a s a v e n ue in t o w n, a n d Ag a ins t M e ! w a s p lay ing. We s ho w e d up t o t he s ho w in t im e t o c a t c h o ne o f t he c r a p py o p e ni ng b a nd s, a nd t he n a no t he r o p e ne r t ha t w a s le s s b a d , a nd f ina l ly Ag a ins t M e ! We w e r e a ll g i v e n v id e o c a m e r a s a nd t o ld t o go v id e o t a p e t he ir s e t . M ic ha e l go t o n s t a ge a nd s a ng a s o ng w it h t he m , a nd I m a d e Zo e c r o w d s ur f a g a ins t he r w ill. I s p e nt most of the time p ut t in g St ic k y R ic e s t ic k e r s o n a ny t hi ng I c o uld t hink o f, w hile the r est of my t e a m t hr a s he d a b o ut in t he s w e a t y m o s h p it . 55

W he the show w as ov e r w e w a lk e d b a c k t o t he motel after a fe w d r ink s. Jus t in g a v e Anic a a r id e o n his b a c k w hile M ic ha e l a nd I dr opped handfuls o f g r a v e l d o w n t he b a c k o f he r p a nt s. W he n s he f ina lly go t t ir e d o f it , s he d r o p p e d h e r p a nt s a nd s hook the r oc ks out, and hob bled the last bloc k a nd a ha lf w it h he r p a nt s d o w n. Sa d ly, a g a i n t he r e w a s no v id e o c a m e r a p r e s e nt . A fe w people went to slee p a nd t he r e s t o f us go t s o m e b e e r. I hung o ut in t he g ir l’ s r o o m , lis t e ning t o Anic a t a lk a b o ut z o d ia c s ig ns a nd d r inking. I w as finally dr unk enough to tea ba g s o m e o ne . I w a s f e e ling r a t he r r e c k le s s a lr e a dy s o w e he a d e d up s t a ir s t o f ind t he r e s t o f t he p r o d uc t io n c r e w. John Yamashita w as aslee p and spr awled out on a b e d , s o I t e a - b a g ge d him , a nd le f t him w it h c r a c k e r s ov e r his eye s. M ic ha e l, As hly, Jus t in a nd I w e nt o ut o nto the balcony and dr ank Jac k Daniels and Nat ur a l L ig ht , a nd p r e t t y s o o n a l l o f us w e r e r e a dy fo r b e d . Sunday, A pril 29th – Phoenix , Ar iz o na We’ d gotten a c lue the night b e fo r e , a b ox o f B a ge l B it e s w it h a no t e t ha t ha d a p h o ne num b e r o n it , t e llin g us t o p r e p a r e t o w a k e up e a r ly. T he phone number went to voicemail and it w a s t he c ho r us o f t he Fe r g i e s o ng r e p ea t ing, “ H o w c o m e e v e r y t im e yo u c o m e a r o un d , my L o nd o n L o nd o n B r id ge w anna go down…” A little r esear c h in the mor n ing r e v e a le d t ha t L a k e H a v a s u C it y, Ar iz o na is t he c ur r e nt ho m e o f t he o r ig ina l L o nd o n B r id ge , s o w e go t o u r s t uf f pac ked (exce pt my cell phone c har ger) and hit t he r o a d a g a in. Se ver al une ventful hour s o n t he r o a d la t e r w e a r r i v e d in L a k e H a v a s u C it y, w he n Ju s t in info r m e d t he r e s t o f us t ha t H a v a s u is a nc ie nt N av ajese for “Wher e the fuc k is Sue?” On the w ay in w e w e r e t r e a t e d t o t w o c a r s w it h r e m o t e hyd r a ulic s a nd a ll m a r v e le d a t a t r uc k t ha t w a s le s s t ha n a n inc h of f of the gr ound.

After ma king a wr ong tur n w e e nd e d up stumbling upon the cam p s it e w e wer e staying at, and mos t o f t he pr oduction cr e w w as alr eady t he r e . We gr a b bed some bur rito s t o k ill some time befor e all the te a m s go t ther e, and once e ver yone ha d a rri ved we headed bac k to the c a m p site, and found out we w o uld b e going out on a boat and a je t s k i. Sar a and I found our tr ue c a lling in jumping the w akes of f of to ur b o a t s, and then star ted drinking. We w e r e camping on the beac h tonig ht , s o once we’ d gr a b bed dinne r a f e w people collected stic ks for a f ir e . We’ d all had a lot to drink w he n w e wer e infor med that we’ d be ha v ing a songwriting competition, so I r e t ir e d to the b athr ooms to finish f le s hing out a joke song I’ d star te d in Ve g as. GFS ended up winning, a nd fo r good r eason, their song w a s g r e a t . Big Whoop took 3r d for a r a p t hey wr ote in w hic h they talked t r a s h o n all the teams, and Motherboy ’ s s o ng w as Ashby doing a cover s o n g w it h slightly c hanged lyrics w hile As hly looked gener ally bother ed . I n t he post competition inter vie w s, my

t e a m w a s t o o ine b r ia t e d t o a ns w e r a ny q ue s t io n s w it h c o m p le t e s e nt e n c e s, a n d w hile G F S w a s b e ing int e r v ie w e d I c lim b e d o n t o p o f a d une bug g y a nd s a ng “ T his is w hy I ’ m ho t ” unt il t he b e a c h d o uc he b a g s t ur ne d o f f t he ir s t e r e o. T ir e d o f t he m I s a unt e r e d int o t he b a c k g r o u nd o f G F S’ s int e r v ie w w it ho u t p a nt s o n, w e a r ing a w ig, a nd s t ill s ing ing t he s a m e so ng. M ic ha e l t r ie d t o t a c k le m e , but I w a s t o o q u ic k a n d he a t e s hit in t he s a nd . D ur ing B i g W ho o p ’ s int e r v ie w, t he G F S b oy s a nd I s nuc k in c o m p le t e ly na k e d a nd I p r o c e e d e d t o g i v e la p d a nc e s a nd g r in d o n s o m e g r o s s e d o ut g ir ls. T his is a ll a c c o r d ing t o w it ne s s e s, a s I h a d c o ns um e d a lit t le t o o m uc h t o d r ink a nd m a na ge d t o bla c k o ut a go o d p o r t io n o f t h e nig ht . O ur nex t c lue w a s g i v e n t o us, a b a na na w it h “ St ay c la s s y. Re e d St . 8 a m w a k e up ” w r it t e n o n it . I s m a s he d a g uit a r in t he f ir e a nd p a s s e d o ut o n t o p o f a c a r. M o n d ay A p r il 3 0 t h L a k e H a v a s u C it y, Ar iz o na I w o k e up s t ill w e a r ing t he w ig, ins id e t he c a r I ’ d f a lle n a s le e p o n t o p o f, 57

w hic h w a s e v e n w e ir d e r b e c a us e t he k ey s t o it ha d b e e n s t o le n t he nig ht b e fo r e , a nd no w I w a s b e ing a c c o s t e d w it h bla m e . I w a t c he d e v e r yo ne p a c k up t he c a m p a nd ha d a b e e r, a nd w e s t o p p e d by a Sho ney ’ s b e fo r e h e a d ing t o o ur nex t d e s t in a t io n, Sa n D ie go, C a lifo r nia . I s le p t o f f my f ie r c e ha ngov e r, a nd t o o k ov e r d r i v i ng a b o ut 2 0 0 m ile s o ut s id e o f Sa n D ie go. M y b o dy w a s s o s o r e e v e r y w he r e f r o m r id ing t he w a v e s t he d ay b e fo r e , it hur t t o m ov e . T he s c e ne r y w a s a m a z ing, f r o m t he d e s e r t t o h uge m o un t a ins t h a t lo o k e d lik e p ile s o f r o c k s ; t o e n o r m o u s s a nd d une s, t o t he fo r e s t s o f I nd ia n r e s e r v a t io ns. We f ina lly a r r i v e d , s t ill c lue le s s a s t o w he r e Re e d St r e e t w a s o r ho w t o ge t t he r e . A q uic k s t o p a t a n info c e nt e r t o l d us w e w e r e n’ t f a r o f f, a nd by t he t im e w e fo und B a n a na B ung a lo w, w e f ina lly r e a liz e d t ha t t he c l ue m a d e e v e n m o r e s e ns e . Ev e r yo ne s h o w e r e d up, a nd Je r e my, Zo e , Anic a a nd I w e nt t o ge t bur r it o s. As hly, As hby a nd Sa r a w e r e jus t r o lling i nt o t o w n a l m o s t 2 ho ur s a f t e r e v e r yo ne e ls e , a nd a p p a r e nt ly Sa r a ha d f ina lly go t t e n s ic k o f As hby ’ s r e c k l e s s d r i v ing a nd b a d d ir e c t io ns a n d h a d t a k e ov e r. As hly a nd C a it lin s ho w e d up a f t e r a w hile a nd t he g ir ls le f t

t o ge t C B R t a t t o o s, w hi le Je r e my a nd I t o o k t he M o therboymobile for a r i d e a r o und S a n D ie go in s e a r c h o f a c hur c h t o p ose in fr ont of. T ha t nig ht w e ha d o ur la s t e v e nt , a b a r c r a w l t o 5 bar s and at eac h o ne w e w o u ld ge t a p lay ing c a r d . All t e a m s ha d t o buy in using their p o int s, a nd e a c h c a r d c o s t a c e r t a in a m o unt o f p oints. We had been le a d i ng a ll t he t e a m s, but G F S w a s c r e e p ing up a nd if we didn’ t win t his e v e nt , w e m ig ht no t w in a t a ll. P is s e d o f f a t the pr emise of this la s t e v e nt , I d o nne d t h e Sl a s h w ig a nd a “ f uc k it ” kind of attitude. Se v e r a l b e e r s a nd s ho t s o f J a c k D a nie ls la t e r, I w as dr unk enough to b e d is int e r e s t e d in ho w p o o r ly my t e a m w a s d o ing. Anic a s t a r t e d ge t t ing b e llige r e nt a nd m a k in g f un o f me and I sna pped a t he r. I w a s s o w r a p p e d up in a r g uin g w it h he r I completely missed t he p a r t o f t he nig ht w he r e w e lo s t t he e v e nt t o G F S. Anica and I made p e a c e ov e r s o m e b e e r s a nd s e c r e t c ig a r e t t e s, a nd then headed bac k t o t he bur r it o s ho p fo r a la t e nig ht s na c k . Af t e r eating I pushed her b a c k t o t he ho s t e l in a s ho p p in g c a r t w e fo und w hile she wor e my wig a n d s e r e na d e d m e w it h C he r ’ s “ B e lie v e . ” U p o n r e t ur ning I w a s a ble t o w it ne s s t he m o s t s k e tc hy dr ug deal I’ ve e v e r s e e n, a nd my t e a m a nd I t o o k a l it t le w a lk on the beac h w her e w e fo und w ha t w e w e r e (a nd s t ill a r e ) c o nv inc e d w as an alien. Jer emy, M ic ha e l a nd I m e t a c r a z y ho m e le s s H a it ia n g uy and once he left we w e r e a m a z e d t o f ind t ha t As hby ha d hit it o f f w it h a Canadian gir l and w a s m a k ing o ut w it h he r o n t he b a c k p o r c h. I t w a s finally time for the v a c a t io n t o e nd , s o Je r e my a nd I s ne a k e d in t o o ur r oom and c limbed int o o ur b e d s fo r a f e w ho ur s o f s le e p b e fo r e o ur ear ly mor ning de p a r t ur e b a c k t o R ic hm o nd .

Jimmy Choo shoe collection or the next Spider Man movie. The funny is found only when the “geeking” is not your particular brand of enthusiasm. And here, unless you’re a HUGE Judas Priest fan, the funny is all over the place.

I’VE GOT FRIENDS WHO GET EXCITED An interview with Heavy Metal Parking Lot director Jeff Krulik By Christian Detres image by Jeff Smack

Odds are, you’ve run across Heavy Metal Parking Lot late night at a friend’s house preceded by the words “you’ve GOT to see this.” Heavy Metal Parking Lot is a short documentary by Jeff Krulik and his partner in crime, John Heyn, filmed in the parking lot of the Capital Center in Maryland, summer of 1986, just before a Judas Priest concert. Shot with the barest of bones equipment in the far from glamorous Maryland suburbs - featuring the even further from glamorous metal fans of the day. HMPL has barely anything to do with heavy metal and a lot more to do with the parking lot portion of the experience. It is quite simply a treatise on enthusiasm based on the expectation of a communal experience for people eager to be moved. The Special Edition DVD, available in fine video stores and web sites like Amazon.com contains the linchpin to my argument. There are several other short docs added to the disc like Monster Truck Parking Lot, Harry Potter Parking Lot and a weird bit about pancakes in an IHOP. The common thread? People just can’t wait to get whatever it is they’re waiting for and damn if they don’t have volumes to say about it. “Geeking out” is a past time for us all, whether it’s directed at the newest 60

Christian Detres What were you expecting to capture on film the day you shot Heavy Metal Parking Lot? Jeff Krulik John and I had no intention of making any grand statement when we went out that day; we just moved around with my heavy public access gear from the studio I worked at, and wanted to let the metal fans speak for themselves. We just wanted to return the equipment in one piece! CD Please comment on the fabulous hair and fashions of the day. I think the viewer has just as much a morbid fascination with the quasi-macho belly shirts as the drunken unintentionally funny comments. JK The hair and fashions were pretty much standard operating procedure, it was nothing unexpected when we went there. We stood out more than they did because we looked so out of place in shorts and sneakers. CD How much of what you were doing was simply to be the guys at the show with video cameras as opposed to actually introducing a segment of society to the uninitiated? JK We were just guys at the show with video cameras, as you put it. Nothing more. We had

ambitious plans as emerging filmmakers, but this was early in our careers so we hadn’t exactly mapped out a strategy yet. CD What did you learn from the experience? JK We learned that we never should have turned the camera off; we should have recorded a lot more of what was happening around us in the mid 80s because not may people had access to video cameras. And cell phone cameras and digital web video was non-existent. CD Have you been surprised by the success of the film, and has it changed anything for you professionally? JK Of course it’s surprising to be talking about Heavy Metal Parking Lot over 20 years later, but it’s on the top of the resume. Some people still have never heard of it so I don’t believe the hype. Richmond is very supportive of it though--shout out to James and Mike and the James River Film Fest! CD I want the FUCK OFF t-shirt. How superbad was that? JK I guess it was pretty superbad. CD You went back

and revisited some of the “stars” of the film. How hard was it not to laugh during David Helvey’s rendition of Heavy Metal Parking Lot included on the Special Edition DVD? I mean it was terrible…with a capital T. JK I don’t think it was terrible at all. David is our friend. In fact, he’s almost family. All the stars of Heavy Metal Parking Lot are practically family now since we’ve lived with it for so long. CD Zebraman looked really scared to revisit his drunken rants from 1986 when you met him recently at his home. What was his off-camera reaction to bringing such insanity into his presumably quiet suburban household? JK He was bemused and gracious. We haven’t been in contact since though. I’m sure he’s happy to keep it that way. CD You’ve also made several follow-up short docs (included again on the Special Edition DVD) including Harry Potter Parking Lot, Monster Truck Parking Lot and Neil Diamond Parking Lot. You’ve focused on chuckle-worthy obsessions - at least for people not involved in such hobbies. You seem to have a lot of fun showing people geeking out. Describe the voyeuristic glee that goes into making these things. JK I guess I like to geek out myself. John and I like to put ourselves into the mix, we’re not above anyone. And we never put words in anyone’s mouth. CD What are you working on now? JK I just finished The Legend of Merv Conn, about the 87-year old “King of the Strolling Accordionists.” And I’m helping to promote my friend Todd Rohal’s magnum opus The Guatemalan Handshake (http://www.ghandshake.com)

Jeff Krulik was one of the special guests at Richmond’s own 14th annual James River Film Festival held this year in April.

Thanks for asking. And thanks for your interest. 61

A Carabeo & Raviotta Mind Battle By Mr. J Indie filmmaker s Joe Car a beo and Todd R aviotta have been in the filmmaking g ame for a fe w year s now. While some filmmaker s ar e taking their ba by ste ps on a film set, Car a beo and R aviotta’s film experience is well into the double digits. T hey both bear the scar s of a love af fair with filmmaking that’s been going on for e ver. T hough their passion is equal, these two guys ar e like magic and science. But w hat brings them to gether is that they both br eathe filmmaking, and their next br eath is at their double featur e e vent on May 26th at the Byr d T heatr e. Over a couple of drinks, Car a beo and R aviotta talk a bout their love of films, comic books and the band Rush. Joe Car a beo Do you per sonally think I killed too many people in T he Madcap T hr ee ? Todd R aviotta No, not at all. In scr eening the films together, I r eally felt that, because my film is a bout the possibility of violence and your film is center ed on violence, but it’s not a bout violence. I ne ver thought that it w as the end-all-beall.

JC It w as about the c har acter s. TR How did you hope the audience might r eact to all the deaths in your film? JC I w as r eally into film noir and lots of people die in film noir all the time. So I didn’t think I w as doing anything wr ong. I mean, w hat better w ay to shoc k the stomac h…? TR With T he [Madcap] T hr ee, I w as wondering w hat eac h c har acter r epr esented. JC To me it’s [symbolizing] two sons and a dad. T he older son being Edric k Ed w ar ds (John Reinhold), the dad being Styles Stone (Justin Dr ay) and the younger, loose cannon son is James Ar mstr ong (Gonzalo Var gas). Even though these thr ee c har acter s ar e not r elated, I r eally w anted a turbulent family dynamic.

JC How do you think people ar e going to describe Mediated ? TR To me, it has alw ays been that film a bout media. I had a bunc h of friends and we would get to gether and hang out and w atc h TV. I would be in those situations and I’ d look at the per son I’m supposed to be hanging out with. You look at them and they’ r e looking at the TV, they’ ve stopped blinking, stopped w hate ver, and I w as like, “I w ant to do a movie a bout that.” JC Do you think the pr oduction of Mediated c hanged you? TR Fr om w her e I w as, I’ ve c hanged dr amatically. I’m mor e satisfied and at peace with w her e I’m going in life. But as a filmmaker, during the pr oduction of Mediated , I felt the most like a filmmaker than any of the pr ojects that I’ ve done.

JC Because now you wer e getting your hands dir ty? TR Yeah, and also w hen I w as doing that film, it w as all a bout that film for me. I lived in the set. It w as allconsuming. JC Yeah, I’ ve noticed a lot of people don’ t under stand that it’s 24/7, not 9 to 5. You’ r e all-consumed with the film to the point that you’ r e alienating people. TR T her e ar e times w hen you will disa ppear, too. You f all of f the ma p. You go of f into [it] w hether it’s writing or conce ptualizing, and your c har acter s dictate your e ver y action.

Sar vis and I. When we wer e making T he Madcap T hr ee , we didn’t think a bout money at all. T he fir st thing we thought a bout w as “lets get our actor s, r ehear sals, and get these locations…” in that or der. TR When I w as doing Mediated it w as all a bout that I kne w w hat I w anted to have ha ppen and I did ever ything to make it ha ppen.

JC Did you have a set budget making Mediated ? TR No, not e ven. I spent until the pr oject w as finished. JC T hat’s the same thing with Brian

TR See, the thing that’s weir d for me is that I’ ve alw ays tried to not make “dar k” wor k because I alw ays feel like dar k wor k is easy. T her e is this documentar y on Bjor k w her e Bono

JC Sometimes I think I’m a mean filmmaker. Whate ver I’m feeling dir ectly w hen I’m writing that script, w hether it’s people I know, or something in the wor ld, it won’t be held bac k.

says “it’s easy to paint with blac k. It’s har d to paint with love.” JC Shor t films or long films? TR For shor ts, I can execute…cr aft it like a son of a bitc h w her e it’s fuc king tight. But all I r eally w ant to do is make a featur e. T he mar ket for a featur e I see as being mor e r eal than the mar ket for a shor t. For shor t films, it’s almost to the point w her e you have to give them aw ay. JC I alw ays w ant to see how a shor t filmmaker would make a featur e. Because making a featur e compar ed to making a shor t film is like “Ok, you’ r e a sprinter, now lets see if you can r un a long mile.” T her e’s mor e time invested, on-scr een and of f. JC What’s your biggest inspir ation? TR Stanly Kubric k. Your s? JC Comic books and music. TR I’m wr ong. JC You’ r e wr ong? TR My answer is wr ong. JC Your answer is wr ong? What do you mean? TR Rush. 64

JC Isn’ t that cool. We’ r e not r eally pur ely inspir ed by only film. TR Our big gest passion is outside of that. JC Female actr ess you’ d die to wor k with? TR I would love to wor k with Julie Christie. You? JC I’ d die to wor k with Summer Glau or Amy Jo Johnson. TR Best gimmic k in Hollywood? JC Um…Nudity. TR HA! Nudity? T hat is best gimmic k of all. In f act one I hope to employ [it] myself. JC I tried to do that in T he Madcap T hr ee , but I just couldn’ t for ce myself to do it yet. TR T hat’s one of the things for me, it’s gotta be used right. T his is something a friend and I had a discussion a bout year s a go. JC Do you e ver see your self being par t of that big Hollywood scene? TR I do. T he hope is that I can be

par t of the studio system in that I make wor k that is distributed by them. JC To me my par ents ar e gr eat inf luences. My dad told me I would know anything I did w as good if I put all my hear t into it. It sounds r eally simple, but I took it as advice on being tr ue to your wor k and your self. TR Do you feel that for your films -- shor t films or any films you’ ve wor ked on-- that you put your hear t into them? JC Yeah, specifically my films. T her e ar e a lot of people I wor k with w ho I wouldn’ t count as filmmaker s because they haven’ t suf fer ed the hear tbr eak that comes with making their own film. TR Would you e ver do a kids’ movie? JC It’s funny because one the comic books I write, Kid Roxy , is actually aimed at young kids, so I think I can do it and I would. TR What type of food do you w ant to

highlight in your films? JC Cer eal! JC 10 year s fr om now…? TR 10 year s fr om now, Todd is hopefully making a movie. I do hope that I’m doing some of the stories I w ant to do in Ne w Or leans. T her e [ar e] some films I w ant to do down ther e, I hope to get a c hance to do them. JC And you know w hat? If you do that, you better have cer eal being eaten in ther e. T hat’s gonna be my ne w motif. I swear to God, I’m gonna have a r omantic moment center ed ar ound cer eal in my next film.

Mediated + T he Madcap T hr ee T he Byr d T heatr e May 26 2pm $9 Listen to mor e of the unfilter ed conver sation at www.astr aypr oductions.com

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Urban Planting words by Matt Traldi and Maura Pond image by josephrosser Jane, our roommate, warned us about chemicals in our yard. Our building, like several in Carver, has decayed and been rebuilt at least twice since I-95 cut the neighborhood in half, leaving who knows what in the ground. You’d think I would know that about the house I’m living in. The contaminants might be what keep her flowers brightly colored, but they’re no good for vegetables and herbs. We wanted something that would be good for the environment and good for us too. We were looking for organic compost instead of fer tilizer – to make our own, chemical-free soil – and as many renewable ingredients as we could find. I don’t have the life I envisioned even a year ago, but I try to live healthy. I don’t own a car; I buy local, organic food, sometimes, when I have a fresh paycheck. The idea of the garden came in par t from our effor ts to be greener. It was a natural extension of buying carbon offsets at carbonfund. org, and getting our roommates to recycle. But it’s also my attempt to feel more firmly situated here, in our neighborhood, in Richmond. For me, that’s what sustainability is all about: an escape from huge corporations and par tisan politics, and a return to something vibrant and personal. Most of my life I’ve felt disconnected from the world around me. I grew up in a town I disliked, went to college in a city I knew I wouldn’t live in once I graduated, and moved to Richmond last summer knowing only my girlfriend, Maura. 66

Our neighbors on one side are VCU students, recent arrivals in the neighborhood. I only know them from the names on the mail that sometimes gets mistakenly slipped in with ours. Next door is a near-abandoned house, with boarded up windows and bricks scattered around it. I see a light on in the evening, sometimes, or people going in and out, but I hardly recognize them. Par ts of this process were still isolated, fueled by hours on the computer. There is a wealth of information online about Virginia frost dates and planting schedules, if you look for it. I also spent a nervous evening following up on stories about peat bog destruction in England, and a purpor ted link between vermiculite and cancer. Vermiculite, a natural mineral used for home gardening, is often found in the same places as asbestos, and in a famous case in Libby, Montana, asbestos dust contaminated vir tually all the vermiculite produced in a par ticular mine. The EPA says most of the stuff sold for home use is safe these days, and we’re taking their word for it. It’s scary, though, what can get into your food. But we also spent an afternoon hauling bricks around our front yard to enclose our garden, waving to passersby, listening to our neighbors’ music as they hung out on their front porch. Tool is good background music for working. We wandered around Southern States, Ukrop’s, and Ellwood Thompson, looking for seeds and compost. We put down a tarp Maura had found out back and laid our mix on top of it, elbows deep. It was dark, moist, and almost fluffy, like cake mix. Our next stop is the 17th street farmers’ market. This time we’ll be going for tips, not for their vegetables. Maybe in a few months we’ll have some of our own. ~ We don’t own a wheelbarrow, so Matt and I are using an old blue cooler, pulled from the muck in the rear of our rented

Carver row house, to haul bricks from the back to the front yard. The back door opens against the kitchen table leaving us less than a foot of navigable room to squeeze through and I keep bruising my right hip on each trip. I feel more like we’re building a swimming pool than a garden bed. I’ve been meaning to try to go green for a long time. I went vegan in late 2004 after learning how much more energy it took to produce beef than veggies. It wasn’t so much a moral decision as meat just made me feel like I was reveling in the excess of my first world status. Guilt replaced gustatory delight, and so I replaced my burgers with Boca. I’m just a vegetarian now. I worry my dedication is slipping as I get older. The bricks are impor tant because we want to feel like we are making a garden, not buying one. At least I do. We already had to buy peat moss and vermiculite, 2 of the 3 ingredients in Mel Bar tholomew’s recipe for soil in his book All New Square Foot Gardening. To make a square foot garden, you need a 4’ by 4’ square that is filled with 6” of: -1/3 Vermiculite (which might give you cancer) -1/3 peat moss (the mining of which might have destroyed a peat bog in England) -1/3 good compost (we have yet to figure out where to get vegetarian, organic compost) We are using the vermiculite anyway. As for the peat, our Mr. Mel Bar tholomew says its better to use a little peat once than have to use insecticides and fer tilizers for the life of the garden. I don’t know enough about gardening to argue.

T her e ar e ver y fe w musical movements in the punk genr e that inspir e mor e nostalgia than w hat w as ca ptur ed in Ric hmond during the ear ly 90s. To hear old, has

Square foot gardening is a pretty cool concept. Instead of laying gardens out in rows, you lay them out in grids. There is no wasted space and no wasted seeds. My family used it for a few years in our backyard garden when I was little. I loved it because my parents gave me my own little square to take care of. Nothing tastes as good as food you’ve grown yourself. One day I’d like to make a rain collection system to water the garden, but I don’t think Jane would approve of several industrial-sized drums blocking what remains of the front yard. Fair enough. A month ago, I was still convincing myself that not doing laundry for three months was conservation and not sloth. The only thing left was my power suit, purchased a year ago in anticipation of the saving-the-world career I had hoped for, still hanging depressingly unsoiled in the back of my emptied closet. I didn’t get the job I wanted, but I have bought compact fluorescent light bulbs for the house. If we remember, Matt and I bring our own bags when we shop. We clean almost everything in the house with vinegar, baking soda or Murphy’s Oil Soap, which are all nontoxic. It’s not saving the world, but it’s better than nothing.

I did get a job canvassing around the state educating Virginia residents on trash impor tation. I was really bad at it. An older woman sent her dog out after me. The neighborhood association of another snooty development in NoVa tried to call the cops on me. I star ted having reoccurring dreams that I was ringing doorbells in an endless suburbia but unable to speak whenever anyone answered. That job didn’t work out, but I think I can handle planting a garden. The blue cooler we used to move the bricks now lives on the porch and serves nicely as a bench. We didn’t need a bench before because no one ever sat out there. I like to have breakfast out there in the morning and envision what the brick and dir t will look like filled with basil, tomatoes, and squash. I don’t even really like squash, but I think it would be nice to take some to the neighbors. Maybe then I can finally learn their names.

S plendor I n T h e G r a s s Damn. It’s a good time to b e yo u. I f yo u li v e in R ic h m o nd , t ha t is. I n t he la s t s ix m o nt hs t he r e ’ s b e e n a n ex p lo s io n o f n e w r e t a il b r a n d s to add v ariety to your str eet wear shopping s p r e e s. T he g r e a t e s t t hing ? T hey e a c h c a r r y c o lle c t io ns yo u c a nt f ind a t a ny o f t he o t he r s t o r e s. Jus t t r y t o k e e p your cr edit car d holster ed... Henr y, now open on Br oad St r e e t b e t w e e n L if t C o f f e e Sho p a nd C o m fo r t , s ho w c a s e s a s e le c t io n o f hig h- e n d k ic k s, je a ns a nd p r int e d t e es fr om Ree bok, JB Classics, WESC and MISHKA. H o s p it a lit y, o n t he c o r ne r o f C o lo n ia l a nd C a r y in C a r y t o w n is b r i ng ing yo u t he w o r k o f F uc k ing A w e s o m e , G o o r in Br other s, Stussy and other s. Rumor s, opening a t t he e nd o f M ay, is go ing t o m ix it up w it h ne w a nd v int a ge it e m s. T hey ’ v e b r o ug h t WO WC H , P r e t t y Tr a s hy a nd OK47 to campus on Har rison Str eet between t he Villa ge C a f é a nd H a r r is o n St r e e t C o f f e e Sho p. O f c o ur s e , w e c a n’ t fo r ge t a b o ut t he go d f a t he r o f t he m a ll , y ’all. Jason Solomon and NEED Supply have bee n g r e a t f r ie n d s t o R ic hm o nd ’ s s t y l is h w it h it s a lw ay s im p r e s s i v e w a ll o f je a ns a nd in s p ir e d buy ing c ho i c e s. I s wear ther e’s mor e denim ther e than at Ba bes. Sp e c ia l t h a nk s go o u t t o a ll o f t he s e p ur v eyo r s o f s t y le fo r ge ne r o us ly le nd ing t he i r p r e c i o us m e r c ha nd is e fo r this shoot. Chec k ‘em out. Seriously, do it. D o it .

Ar t D ir e c t io n a nd St y ling : M a r y H e f f ley a nd C hr is t ia n D e t r e s P ho t o g r a p hy : K im Fr o s t H a ir a nd M a k e up : L e e a nd Ew a o f WAC K S a lo n St y l ing As s is t a nt / C ha uf f e ur : D o u g t he I nt e r n P ho t o As s is t a nt : As h D a ni e l Sp e c ia l T ha nk s t o Ar t C ha d w ic k o f C ha d w ic k & So n O r c hid s fo r a llo w in g us into your beautiful ho m e a n d g r e e nho us e s. We s w e a r t ho s e f lo w e r p o t s w e r e a lr e a dy b r o k e n . T hanks also to WACK Sa lo n a t 3 0 5 N o r t h Ro b ins o n S t . fo r le nd ing t he ir ex c e p t io n a l ha ir a nd m a k eup ar tistr y.

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JEFF SMACK

Well Michael, among many conceivable solutions (kleptomania, pant-specific amnesia, Laundromat hi-jinks), there are two likely possibilities: your old lady is either a lying cheat or the sort of person who collects articles from former lovers.

LETTERS TO LAZIO Dear Lazio, My girlfriend did her laundry the other day and handed me a pair of plaid pants that definitely are not mine. When I said so, she said that she didn’t know where they came from and that I might as well take them. But I already have pants! As it stands, the mystery pants are still sitting at the bottom of her laundry basket. I don’t think she’s cheating on me, but what should I do? Michael Oregon Hill

In the case of the former, consider what ammunition she’d have against you in case of an “are you sleeping around on me” argument. When was the last time you propositioned her sister or best friend? Have you drunkenly parked your car in her living room? Vomited on her grandmother at Thanksgiving? In any case, it’s not an argument you’re going to win. Remember—you are not the party here with breasts and the ability to cry at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, assuming that the gal is merely a prize collector, your only worry should be keeping a close watch on your own articles of clothing. Do not, under any circumstances, let her take your favorite t-shirt home in the morning just because “it smells like you.” This is a trap, and you will never see that Bon Jovi t-shirt again. By the by, if your lady friend’s name is Stacey, and she’s about 5’7” with red hair, those are probably my pants. Dear Mr. Lazio, I was just watching Ong Bak: Thai Warrior again, and I was wondering if you could please tell me how much does it really hurt to get beaned in the head by a Thai warrior’s elbow? Or alternately, how much would it hurt to get kicked in the chest by a Thai warrior’s knee? Or both. Thanks, MK Burke Newark, NJ

I’m glad you asked MK, because it allows me to relay a lesson I learned in Daegu, South Korea, many years ago: always wear a helmet. The year was 1990, and I was hiding out from the IRS for a while due to certain accounting indiscretions I’d made with my exotic pet business. My buddy Al—who was visiting family in the region—and I were at the tail end of an eight-day Soju bender when we happened upon a small, unmarked gym hosting an international fight card. As I recall, the event was an unauthorized precursor to today’s Pride fighting championship or UFC matches, pitting jujutsu masters against lean and savage practitioners of Lerdit, the military version of Muay Thai. The fights were short but bloody, the combatants exchanging vicious blows at blinding speed until one or the others legs finally gave out. Much like our professional football, in underground professional martial arts fighting the best defense is usually an insane offensive explosion. The effect was not unlike sitting in the front of a Gallagher comedy show, with the main difference being that instead of showering the audience in sledge hammered watermelon, in Daegu the audience is showered in blood and broken teeth. Long story short, I lost several hundred American dollars betting on a crop of weak-kneed Thai boxers. Al and I followed the fight crowd over to a local gentleman’s club, where we ordered a bottle of Japan’s first attempts at Scotch whiskey. I’m sure I found it bland but delicious. My last memory until waking up is the sight of two disgraced Muay Thai pugilists sidling up to the bar. I am relatively certain that I asked them to buy me a drink in recompense for my losses earlier that night. The rest is a blank. As Al relates it, the ensuing scene ended with the only fight the Thai boxers would win that night, as one man held my arms behind my back while the other executed a flawless double flying elbow maneuver straight out of “Ong Bak.” Three days later I awoke in a cheap clinic clutching the back of my skull, which had been freshly reconstructed with superglue and industrial strength staples. It’s a lesson learned the hard way, but since that experience I’ve never gone out for drinks without first donning at least a stylish bicycle helmet. I hope that answers your question. Send your letters to Lazio via email by way of our very own leprechaun... parker@rvamag.com.

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