RVA Volume 3 Issue 4 by RVA Magazine

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RVA VOL.3 ISSUE 4 SOMETHING FROM NOTHING cover image “Ich R Us “ by SunTek Chung

Special thanks to Joe for being our model last cover.

WRITERS Trevor Thomas Peter Stewart Tess Dixon Jimmy Wayland Parker Nick Whittkofski managing editor Jeff Byers creative director Lauren Vincelli Cesca Janece Waterfield Adam Sledd Don Harrison manager Sean Patrick Rhorer senior writer Parker Adam Sledd Christian Detres PHOTOS advertising Tony Lynch fashion Nick Whittkofski Trevor Thomas Jeff Smack Grant Pullman designer Ian M. Graham

12 Mickael E. Broth

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50 Richmond Is An El Camino

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16 Profit Not Prophet 15 A Song & Dance with SunTek Chung 26 You Guys Are Unsane

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rvahorizWOM

6/25/07

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Collect Dunny® action figures! Dunnys available in store may vary from those pictured here.

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10 R VA ONLINE IS INT E R A C T I V E . C L I C K O N I M A G E S , H Y P E R L I N K S , A N D A D V E R T I S E M E N T S T O G E T M O R E .

Mickael E.Broth This show features a few of my larger, politically-based drawings, as well as an installation of “Polaroid” drawings. These photosized drawings are more personal pieces that are inspired by photographs I’ve taken, places I’ve been, and experiences that I’ve had. The show just came down but you can still pick up a piece at ADA Gallery on Broad and Madison… each Polaroid drawing comes with a related story that I will tell, in person, while we drink beer together. For info visit www.wiltedroses.com and www.adagallery.com

P R O F I T N OT P R O P H E T M i x e d M e d i a w o r k s by K e v i n O r l o s k y w w w. k e v i n o r l o s k y. c o m Ju ly 1 2 t h t h r o u g h A u g u s t 4 t h - O p e n i n g Re c e p t i o n Fr i d ay, J u l y 1 3 t h f r o m 6 - 1 0 p m S yc a m o r e Ro u ge - 2 1 We s t O l d S t r e e t - Pe t e r s b u r g, Vi r g i n i a - w w w. s y c a m o r e r o u g e . o r g C h i c a go - t u r n e d - R i c h m o n d a r t i s t K e v i n O r l o s k y i s l i g h t i n g f i r e s b e n e a t h h i s c o l l e c t i v e v i e w e r s y e t a g a i n i n h i s l a t e s t a c e r b i c c o m m e n t a r y o n t h e s t a t e o f o u r n a t i o n . D e l v i n g i n t o s u c h h o t b u t t o n i s s u e s a s t h e I r a q w a r, A m e r i c a ’ s e s c a l a t i n g c o n s u m e r i s m , t h e s t e a d y e r o s i o n o f c i v i l l i b e r t i e s , a n d f e a r m o n ge r i n g, O r l o s k y ’ s o b s e r v a t i o n s a r e s k i l l f u l l y c o u c h e d i n a l l e g o r y, o p e n i n g a d i a l o g u e w h e r e t h e v i e w e r m ay d e t e r m i n e t h e i r o w n d e p t h o f r e a d i n g. S e t a g a i n s t s w i r l i n g a b s t r a c t b a c k g r o u n d s , O r l o s k y ’ s f i n e l y r e n d e r e d s u b j e c t s a p p e a r a d r i f t i n t h e i n n e r o c e a n s o f t h e m i n d , r e t i n a l b u r n s c a r e f u l ly s t o r e d f o r t h e i r e v e n t u a l d e c o d i n g. A t t u r n s p o e t i c , s h o c k i n g a n d c o n t r o v e r s i a l , O r l o s k y ’ s u n f e t t e r e d c r e a t i o n s e x p l o r e t h e d a r k s i d e o f A m e r i c a n p o l i t i c s, d r a w i n g i n t r i g u i n g p a r a l l e l s t h r o u g h h i s u n c o nv e n t i o n a l i c o n o g r a p hy a n d c h a l l e n g i n g e a c h v i e w e r w i t h t h e i r r e l e v a n c e a n d p o t e n c y.

“ W E O N LY P O I S O N O U R S E LV E S ” O i l a n d E n a m e l o n C a nv a s 17 x 35 2007 A m e r i c a n s o c i e t y w i l l e v e n t u a l ly s e l f - c a n n i b a l i z e . O u r o w n p o i s o n s w i l l d e s t r oy u s b e c a u s e we value per sonal interests far more than we value our nation. P r e - o c c u p a t i o n w i t h s e l f - r i g h t e o u s n e s s, per sonal agenda, and gr eed have become our d r i v i n g f a c t o r s.

“ T H E D E L I C AC Y O F F E A R ” O i l a n d E n a m e l o n C a nv a s 27 x 24 2007

The hippopotamus is a ver y gregarious creature, which consumes up to one h u n d r e d a n d f i f t y p o u n d s o f f o o d a d ay. T h e y a r e e a s i l y a g i t a t e d a n d c a n b e quite fierce. Americans seek out acceptance with peer s and sur round thems e l v e s w i t h t h e i r s u p p o r t e r ’ s p r e s e n c e . We c o n s u m e a t a c c e l e r a t i n g r a t e s a s t h e m o s t o b e s e n a t i o n i n t h e w o r l d . Tr a i n e d t o d e s p i s e i n c o nv e n i e n c e , w e b e c o m e u n p l e a s a n t v e r y e a s i l y. We h a v e t h e p o w e r t o o v e r c o m e m a ny o b s t a c l e s b u t a r e t o o l a z y o r u n f o c u s e d t o d o s o. T h e s i m i l a r i t i e s b e t w e e n t h e H i p p o p o t a m u s a n d t h e A m e r i c a n p e o p l e a r e u n c a n n y. The bald eagle, our nations bird, could not have been more appropriate to for ecast the cur r ent state of American gover nment, a bird of dishonesty and b a d m o r a l . B e n j a m i n Fr a n k l i n o p p o s e d t h e s e l e c t i o n o f t h e b a l d e a g l e a n d t r i e d t o c o nv e y t h i s t o h i s f e l l o w c o m p a t r i o t s b u t f a i l e d s ay i n g ; “ Yo u m ay h a v e s e e n h i m p e r c h e d o n s o m e d e a d t r e e n e a r t h e r i v e r, w h e r e , t o o l a z y t o f i s h f o r h i m s e l f, h e w a t c h e s t h e l a b o r o f t h e f i s h i n g h a w k ; a n d w h e n t h a t d i l i ge n t b i r d h a s at length taken a fish, and is bearing to his nest for the suppor t of his mate a n d yo u n g o n e s , t h e b a l d e a g l e p u r s u e s h i m a n d t a k e s i t f r o m h i m . ” T h e b l o w f i s h i s t h e e m b l e m o f f e a r. T h i s d e l i c a c y m u s t b e f i l l e t e d a s p e c i f i c w ay to remove its poison. If failed during this preparation it would mean cer tain death for whoever consumes it. We e a g e r l y d e v o u r t h e f e a r o u r l e a d e r s f e e d u s , u n a w a r e o f t h e i r m o t i v e s t o g a i n c o n t r o l o f o u r v i e w s a n d a c t i o n s.

photograph of the artistâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s studio

A Song & Dance with by Peter Ste w ar t

SUNTEK CHUNG

“Is this to be a story about an ar tist or the ar t he makes?” asks the photographer SunTek Chung. He’s in his office, the same office that he used as the set of his big C-print entitled He Who

Pulls ..., depicting himself as the typical Korean businessman of recent yore, recast as King Ar thur of Malory’s Le Mor te d’Ar thur. In the photo he is pulling a sword labeled “HYUNDAI” from a computer monitor, while all around him are pencils. He has them in his teeth. They are stabbed into the ceiling tiles. They fall through the air. The effect is... hyper mundane. There are still pencils stuck in the ceiling. The big, ersatz modernist desk dominates the space. Chung sits behind this in a high tech office chair, in front of a black rhinestone backdrop, flanked by water coolers, smoking a Gauloise. He is wearing a neru jacket and pince nez. He has a new mustache very much in the manner of Emperor Hirohito. “It’s for a photo,” he says of the new growth of hair, stubbing out a cigarette and dragging out another from a silver case. He mumbles something about “Charlie Chaplin,” “Nazi heiresses,”

an “assassination attempt,” but offers no fur ther

A tattooed girl comes through with carpet samples,

AND DANCE SONG A assistants, we talk about his work and his time at Yale and Demeter. Andromache is in the studio, in WITH Skowhegan. Of the latter he says, “I’m sorry, I’m a a bikini, defoliating plastic fichus. Demeter sits on his explanation. Chung’s assistants trickle through as

fabric swatches, espressos. This is one of Chung’s

little hungover. It was a life-changing experience. It

lap as Chung flips through the books of fabric.

proved to me that the ar t world is a happy place, full of wonder and joy.” When pressed to elaborate

Had he ever heard of David Bailey?

fur ther on such a facetious description of the occasionally infamous ar tists’ colony, it turns out that

No answer. He’s unhappy with the fabric. “Want to go

Chung’s experience was darker, and drunker, and

to the strip club?” he asks. His assistant will have to

more grown up than this.

try again. Maybe in Chinatown.

“There was a lot of swapping, a lot of cabin-to-

“Chin up darling, better luck next time,” he says, giv-

cabin, a lot of backstabbing, a lot of sex. I was

ing her a sound swat and sending her on her way. She

drunk most of the time, though I remember rumors

seems inordinately pleased by this. Chung reaches

of god-knows-what happening in the sugar shack.”

for a decanter of Brandy, a soda siphon, winds the

That was more like it. He spoke affectionately, if

Victrola....

sardonically, about Yale. He seems to think there was a game to be played there, but couldn’t decide

None of this, strictly speaking, happened. The scene

whether to decry it or gleefully join in. It was there

at Chung’s studio may occasionally have the air of

that he befriended the painter Kehinde Wiley, who,

some fully indulged obsession; it could be the lair of

like Chung, isn’t shy about tackling large, mytho-

a fin de siecle robber baron with ideas so bad and

logical themes. Must be something in the water in

extravagant, financed by sums so vast, that no one

New Haven.

has the ner ve to criticize lest the coffers dry up. The real-

raft of Jim and Huck, made here of bamboo, is riding through

antiheroic to the criminal in literature, but the

ity is a little more ramshackle. Also, the assistants weren’t

the air, upsetting a barbecue and lawn chairs, as if before the

theme applies equally to the ar ts, which wor-

in bikinis. Skowhegan may be like that, who knows. It’s also

action pictured the two had been having a crappy lawn par ty.

ship the quotidian as if it were a golden calf.

not true about his parents, how his mother was a Nor th

The painted backdrop, which appears in many of Chung’s pho-

But when do you find a golden calf in a plastic

Korean guard during the war, and looked after his father as

tographs, accentuates the suburban vernacular, as if the Sears

ball in a bubble gum machine in a Tinee Giant in

an enemy P.O.W., until they fell in love playing cello sonatas

por trait studio were acting as an atelier. It’s cranking out icons

some true pit of hellshit, like Orlando? But look

together and she helped him escape and then they were

for the new age, pieced together from the collective shreds of a

we must, and Chung, for his par t, is leaving few

bound for the States to become radiologists in Nor thern

modern, disparate memory.

stones unturned. He is an inveterate thrift store

Virginia. There’s also the rumor that Chung won the lottery,

shopper, collecting the horrible and the profane

something he insists is true, but could be perpetuating in

To properly analyze the piece, we would have to decide how far

order to convince you of his gaucheness. Sor ting it all out

we should delve into the relationship between Lee and Abdul-Jab-

is an exercise in cryptography, psychiatry, something.

bar in Game of Death as it informs their roles as Huck and Jim.

Clearly what interests him in synthesizing his

Inquiries such as this are commonplace in the ar ts, though why

new mythology are those vintage heavyweights,

Chapter 43: Heaven and Ear th , another of Chung’s monu-

such an obscure point should occupy the viewers’ time is a ques-

The Orient and The Occident. This dichotomy, al-

mental C-prints, shows his version of a visual epilogue to

tion often unasked, except by all the “I”s of the “Gosh, honey, I

though it may not be a dichotomy for much lon-

Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . The

could make that” legion. Those shitkickers have no problem not

ger, is apparent in Hazard in Fall. Here, Chung

book itself is for ty-two chapters. It’s Chung as Bruce

asking. They’ll just ignore the whole thing altogether, get chicken

has transformed himself into an Asian Bo Duke,

Lee playing Huck Finn and L.A. painter James Stanley as

wings. For stolid, serious viewers, the fact of engaging in this

(from television’s Dukes of Hazzard) mixed to-

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar playing Jim. Lee and Abdul-Jabaar

line of reasoning at all may have to be enough to sustain us. It

gether with St. Sebastian (who was mar tyred

starred in the 1978 Kung Fu movie, Game of Death . Chung

cer tainly mirrors our current obsessions as a society, which are

by archers). The agent of his death is an Asian

hybridizes the costumes from the movie for his photo, com-

titanically trivial. Mar tin Amis described this state of affairs in

Daisy Duke, in requisite cutoffs, armed with the

bining Lee’s famous yellow and black tracksuit with the

a mock-thesis called The History of Increasing Humiliation . He

omnipresent Duke bow and arrow. Wheelbarrows

ragged look of the Delta. The shot is taken as the famous

was specifically concerned with the demotion of the heroic to the

fall from the sky, each painted in the iconic col-

for later use. Huzzah.

“He Who Pulls...” 40” x 51.5” C-Print

ors and logo of the General Lee, the famous Dodge Dar t driven for the series. Chung has used the Southern Cross before, often to draw a comparison between his conception of the American South and South Korea, equitable perhaps for what he sees as the perceived lack of sophistication. “Koreans are the rednecks of Asia,” he says. His sculpture, The South Korea Will Rise

Again is a pretty blatant comparison. It’s an object which hints at a strange form of cultural assimilation. It does, in a way, mimic the odd results of mixing two very different cultures. Sometimes Chung’s work is like an iconographic version of voodoo. It’s weird, like an inchoate religion. Weird, too, is Suburban Fury , a farrago of mar tial ar ts, hor ticulture, and Hunter S. Thompson. It shows a Japanese gardener in a row of grass planted like rice, played by Chung playing the Gonzo journalist go“Heaven And Earth” 37” x 54” C-Print

“ Subur ban Fur y” 37” x 54” C - Pr i nt

“ H azar d In Fal l ” 40” x 58” C - Pr i nt

ing non compos with the garden tools. He is in a Laocoön of rakes and

might ask, in a battle to the death between The Green Lantern and Jethro

pruners. It’s a formal piece, with rigid, straight lines of grass, the edge

Bodine? Sometimes it’s just best not to ask.

of a building framing one side, a low straight horizon, the figure in the foreground stalwar tly placed and the tools around him balanced in the

There are many unanswered questions surrounding Chung’s blatantly homo-

picture. Considering that the subject is a furious person in the suburbs,

erotic Ich r us . There is little question, however, that it is one of his most

it is a controlled, soothingly constructed image. Is that, one wonders, the

challenging works. Showing an oily Chung and installation ar tist Larry Bam-

extent of fury? Or is it the attempt to suppress fury, as in the myth of the

burg in heavy makeup, playing Icarus and Daedalus, nearly touching hands

composed, inscrutable Asian? Of course, why Chung chose Thompson as

(in a deliberate nod to the Sistine Ceiling), it would seem to fall under the

his gardener is also strange, but conjecture about such a choice leads once

rubric of queer ar t. The picture’s title, taken in the context of the subject,

again into the absurd pursuit of analyzing ephemera; who would win, you

suggests the Wander vogel (literally, migratory bird), a German prewar youth 23

group with homosexual leanings- before being brought into

conjecture that Leonardo painted a self-por trait in the

that described by Mick Jagger in the Maysles’ Gimme

the fold by the third Reich. Though the identity politics of

Mona Lisa? What of the caves of Lascaux? Was there an

Shelter , that his connubial disappointment exceeds

the nineties have faded somewhat in favor of an overwhelm-

ur-Hirst who reveled in the attention garnered by his id-

the consolation afforded by his success as an ar tist,

ing irony in ar t making, the picture still begs the question:

iosyncratic representations of the hunt he was too busy

except that neither of them put it that way. They’re

What does it mean for a heterosexual to manufacture work

to attend himself ? Is it narcissism that inspires Chung

both describing the loneliness of Midas, who, as-

that’s viewed in the ar t world as the provenance of a sub-

to cast himself as his own star, or is it genuine self-in-

sured of his happiness, finds himself bamboozled by

culture that has suffered discrimination and persecution?

quiry? There’s a Machiavellian component to this story

fate. Except that’s not quite right, though at least it’s

Can a straight ar tist get away with making queer ar t?

too. Chung might insist on casting himself in the starring

close, in that having such cer tain knowledge of a per-

role, precisely because he may still be classified as an

fect contentedness makes it doubly painful to have it

“If someone says, ‘hey, that’s my house,’ I say, ‘I’m just

exotic, being Korean. Whether he believes this is a mat-

taken away, etc. How about Chung as Faust, that’s

renting a room,’” says Chung, who is unabashed about such

ter for him to discuss with whatever strange god he may

pretty good. Or as Braddock Washington, from The

an act of cuckoldry. He sees no contradiction in making Ich

have invented for himself. Which brings us back to the

Diamond As Big As The Ritz , minus the big diamond

r us because he doesn’t see language (or in this case visual

matter of the fibbing and the fictions that Chung pro-

and the bevy of deluded slaves, but then always,

language) as proprietary. He possesses a flexibility about

motes in real life. Perhaps these are simply the inception

one remembers, the assistants! Enough metaphors?

these matters evidenced by his constant metamorphoses

of a mythology, a new polytheistic religion. To Chung, the

Sometimes it’s the only way to deal with someone

from character to character.

stories of winning the lottery or studying figure skating,

making of himself something so metaphorical, so

whether true or not, are good additions to his personal

amorphous. And yet, of course, like all metaphors,

apocrypha.

these fail to describe the reality, and really, it’s noth-

Why the need for all the characters? What is it with all these contemporary ar tists and their fictive personalities? Cindy

ing like that at all.

Sherman and Matthew Barney have made careers of it.

Back in the office Chung is discontent. He is fidgeting,

Could it have star ted with Marcel Duchamp and his tranny

thinking about cocktail hour. He’s shown in New York,

To see more of SunTek Chung’s madness go to

alter ego- Rose Sélavy? Who knows how far back the spiny

Chicago, Marfa, Los Angeles, and overseas, but still,

www.suntekchung.com

fingers of the personality cult reach; are we to believe the

something’s missing. It is a situation perhaps similar to

“The South, The South” 34.5” x 50” C-Print

YOU GUYS ARE...

UNSANE

words + images by Trevor Thomas Chris Spencer Quadraverb cabinet (combo), 412 twin head (‘71), mesa triple rectifier and cabinet. Mesa and Fender.

No pedals. Trevor Thomas Where was the killer show at? Vincent Signorelli There’ve been a lot of them. Austin was a dream...Austin was like out of a dream. Dave Curran (he’s Canadian): We do this every night. Inspired, albeit presumably, by the Dario Argento gore epic of the same name (Tenebre), The band Unsane are nightmare music fodder for the formulaic and the Serpico generico in the rock music world. Just ask guitarist and vocalist Chris Spencer what he thinks about music today. Be warned: he likes to scrap. You can just tell. And it is reflected in a music that was extreme well before sports deodorants got intense. Gore is also a word that becomes the Unsane, both in visual artistry and sonically. It’s the first word out of Spencer’s mouth in response to where the band spawned from. It’s the recurring theme on their record covers. “It’s cows’ blood.” The trio of Spencer, bass guitarist Dave Curran, and drummer Vincent Signorelli, indigenous to lower east side New York, has the look and humorous come of that of pro skateboarders whose skins have thickened over the years like that of the grip side of a well ridden deck. Underneath the trademark faded blue Yankees ball cap, Spencer’s head has a shave like he just might get you to do yours, then drink the Kool-Aid and catch the comet. There’s a certain gleam to his eyes that might suggest years of staring down the pages of a certain horror fanzine. It ain’t Rolling Stone. Considering it’s not freshman year for these northern gladiators, it’s a strange feeling to note

that in a couple years, we will live in an era, to be oddly referred to in the present, and then past tense, as “the tens.” Then presumably “the teens.” It’s all part of a metaphoric Ferris wheel of time that informs as it entertains its way through history. And then of course there were the 90s. That being said, history is constantly being made and entertained. And back again. As I sit here swinging on this Ferris wheel, I think back to all the screams that have indented the sky. My sky. And surely others’. Moments of non-replayable impacting culture that I heard, years ago. It entertains to this day. One such scream is a formative moment of my musical education, if you will. As a birthday present I received an LP from a dear friend. Presented for me, and for our collective shared entertainment, a compilation LP entitled Dope, Guns, and Fucking in the Streets Vol. 4-7. Isn’t that nice? In 2007, it is still hard to dismiss this record, what with having such velocity to its title. It was one of three compilations under the moniker, released by the late Amphetamine Reptile Records in the 90s. The collections seemed to touch down on more than a few movers and shakers that had and still have massive rock club-rattling capabilities, and then some. Although there have been many records like this in its wake, released in 1992, DGF is a document of rock scum greatness and NOISE. Buzzing amongst the vinyl cuts of vibrant bands of the era, the record included weirdo phenomena such as the Dwarves, the Jesus Lizard, Boss Hog, Hammerhead, and the Melvins, among others. And then there was the Unsane. Instantly guilty by association, this name seemed to stick with me. UNSANE. With that information in tow, the future sighting of a certain Unsane record Total Destruction, upon hearing, gave new meaning to the phrase. Picture a wide-mouthed American automobile’s grille literally COVERED in blood. Stephen King’s Christine gone messy. The noise cum music contained therein is a music to be experienced firsthand. An early recorded incident of gore for an unsuspecting audience for sure. Dismissible or forgettable? Don’t count on it. Call it right place, right time, situational luck, but their early documented thirty-minute lower east side noise performances in the late 80s were music to some tastemakers’ ears. 27

Their brand of subway-train-running-over-the-patrons type rock unintentionally landed the band on a major label when their contract with then-label Matador (Pavement, Yo La Tengo) got swallowed up by (the) Atlantic. Unsane had their major label debut in Total Destruction, recorded a BBC Peel Session in 1994 and have since continually scraped and welded their place in the pantheon of underground rock.

Unsane captures on record that has that “New York noise rock sound.”

Unsane paid Richmond a visit a short while ago in support of their most recent album offering, Visqueen (Ipecac). In the comforts of their touring vehicle, notes were made on what Richmond smells like in the summer, eyes divert to a hot GTO (Spencer’s a GTO’wner) that whizzes by and some rather well-beaten history is revisited. “Major label, major hassle, is what Vinny always said...we like to do things our way.”

What was it like in NYC around the time the band first formed in the late Eighties? Listen to the albums. They’re still relevant. What’s revealed there is more akin to Notes from the Underground (Dostoyevsky) than a MySpace page. If you followed underground American rock music in the last decade, their story is also one of abundance that categorically falls in line with This Band Could be Your Life and yet they could care less.

Again, they came from New York and it should be known that the album Visqueen, which is a type of plastic, is at once a document that makes me feel like the first time I looked out amongst the million faces of a Manhattan skyline and wanted to scream, much like the guy in the YES video for “Owner of a Lonely Heart.” There is a certain claustrophobic ambience

You have to also realize the Unsane are akin to a glazed donut. Granted you have to fight your way to get to the counter. Fuck sprinkles. Modus Operandi? The title track to Visqueen, “Against the Grain,” reveals what is still in place 18 years on from the inception of Unsane. “There’s a Fangoria in the back if you want to take a look.”

It’s been said that the records are a reflection of the surroundings. Spencer tells, “when I would come into the city on the South Bronx train (in college) I would have to wear a full face ski mask. That’s how bad it was.”

The offer is an explanation as to what might be the inspiration behind the years of characteristic and yet unpredictable bloody Unsane album covers. “It’s cow’s blood. Making the cover art is really a lot of fun and we usually do it all in one night.”

Blood Run (Relapse 2005) was appropriately named for the task of having to obtain the necessary bodily fluids to create the next Unsane album artwork. “We wanted to make this one (Visqueen) a bit more rural,” muses Spencer. “Take it out of the city for a change. There’s not too much blood but it’s there. If you’re going to put a body in your trunk, you want to wrap it in plastic first so it won’t get your stuff dirty.” There is an air of keeping it real within the Unsane camp that has maintained a consistent art form over three decades of music fads. A natural musical integrity that can be as hard to find these days as perfume in a hardware store. Under such close investigation, the Unsane can be relied on as one of the most minimal frills heavy rock trio that has managed to endure the 90s underground rock scene and are still around to tell the tale without sucking. Their songs keep getting better, which is a trait that many can’t claim after the first recording session. Their show at Empire in late June was nothing short of a gift from the past that had neither expiration date, nor damning label in sight. Heads bobbed to a sweaty and direct, pulsing display of thrashy veteran bricklaying. Like dance music for those who wear Vans and can stomach the films of Takashi Miike. If you could go back in time and kill one band, which would it be? Signorelli grins, “ooh... Pat Boone.” Spencer and Curran (in unison), “Depeche Mode.” http://www.theunsane.com

i m a g e s c o u r t e s y o f W h i t e Cross

THEN & NOW by Sean Patrick Rhorer

WHITE CROSS

d a t e s : 1 9 8 1 ?- 1 9 8 4 D EF I N I T I V E R EL EASE s/t 7” (1 9 8 2 , Ze r o D e g r e e ) I M P O R TAN C E Am o ng t he bur ge o ning e a r ly Am e r i c a n ha r d c o r e b a nd s, W h it e C r o s s w a s R ic hm o nd ’ s m o s t no t a ble c o nt r ibut io n. H a v ing t o ur e d ex t e ns i v e ly t hr o ug ho ut t he c o unt r y a nd r e le a s ing r e c o r d s s t ill s o ug ht a f t e r t o d ay, t he ir s o c io - p o lit ic a l m e s s a ge s a n d f a s t , g r it t y s o u nd le f t a m a r k o n b o t h t he lo c a l a n d na t io na l s c e ne s.

30 CLICK ON THE PHOTO S

L AST I N G I M P R ESSI O N N o t o nly ha v e t hey maintained le ge n d a r y s t a t us a m o ng p un k / ha r d c o r e f ans, but W h it e C r o s s w e r e a ls o f e a t ur e d in t he American Har dcor e b o o k / f ilm . T he b a n d w a s a ls o r e cently fea t ur e d in Maximum Roc k N’ Roll , t he lo ng s t anding and hig h ly r e s p e c t e d p unk z ine . W H ER E D I D T H EY G O ? M e m b e r s w e nt o n to play in s uc h b a nd s a s U ns e e n Fo r c e a nd H o no r Role (w hose 7 ” w a s r e c e nt ly r e - r e le a s e d o n N o Way Re cor ds, r un by m e m b e r s o f G ov e r n m e nt Wa r ni ng ), a s w ell as some o f t he e a r lie r inc a r na t io ns o f m e t a l w e ir d oes Gw ar.

GOVERNMENT WARNING d a t e s : 2 0 0 5 - p r e s e nt

D E F I N I T I V E R EL EASE NO MODERATION (2 0 0 6 , Fe r a l Wa r d ) I M P O R TAN C E Wit h a w ild ly a c c la im e d f ull le ng t h o n t he r e v e r e d Fe r a l Wa r d la b e l, p lus a n ins a ne li v e s ho w a lw ay s s ur e t o im p r e s s, G ov e r nm e n t Wa r ning ha v e w o n ov e r a ud ie nc e s in R ic hm o nd a nd b eyo nd . T he ir e ne r ge t ic a nd r a w s o u nd r e c a lls c la s s ic Am e r ic a n ha r d c o r e w hil e s t ill p a c k ing a f r e s h p unc h. R EL AT ED B AN D S Fe a t ur e s ex / c ur r e nt m e m b er s of M unic ip a l Wa s t e , D ir e c t C o nt r o l, a nd Wa s t e d Time, no t t o m e n t io n v a r io us c ur r e nt s id e p r o j e c t s. W H AT T H EY A R E U P TO N O W T he r e ’ s d is c us s ion of a Gover n m e n t Wa r nin g t o ur o f t he We s t C o a s t fo r la t e r in the year and t hey ’ ll s ur e ly b e p lay ing t o ns t hr o ug h t he easter n U.S. in t he m e a nt im e . A ne w 7 ” EP jus t c a m e o ut o n Gr ave Mistake Re c o r d s a s w e ll.

i m a g e b y Tony Lynch

C L I C K O N THE PHOTO 31

22 24

C h eck out Swordplay o r order “CELLARS AND ATTICS” at www. m y s p a c e . c o m / i d r o p o r C o n c i c e R e c o r d s a t w w w. m y s p a c e . c o m / c o n c i c e r e c o r d s .

G N I T C

U R T S Y A N L P D CO R O W S by Jeff Byers images by Jeff Smack

“Breaking up with himself” by abandoning a folksy singer/songwriter suit three years ago, Isaac Ramsey took what he thought was the next logical step of his musical progression flexing his emcee skills behind hip-hop beats. After years growing up in the south side of Richmond and playing drums in the non-seminal hardcore/punk/emo/whatever bands Juniper and Soma, Isaac hopped a plane to Europe to immerse himself in French culture for a while becoming a bona fide francophone. Upon returning to the States, Ramsey surprised friends when they found out that not only had Isaac learned how to play guitar but that he also wrote some songs in his continental absence. Ramsey wrote “good, honest music” drawing inspiration from the Mediterranean Sea, pain, sadness, New York City, drugs, alcohol, Avenue Des Champs-Élysées, and other geographic locations while on drugs and alcohol. After a year of being a boy with his guitar, Ramsey simply stopped playing, citing that the world didn’t need another self-indulgent singer/songwriter. What began on a drunken Fourth of July afternoon with some friends oddly enough became Ramsey’s obsession, where he would hole himself up in his room constructing beats and rhymes oftentimes trapping his friends in said room to listen to his latest sonic creations. Those would eventually become The Tilt EP released on Concice Records.

Radically different from previous projects, Isaac now adorns the moniker Idrop Jr. under the umbrella of his project’s name, Swordplay. Following The Tilt EP comes Ramsey’s first properly pressed full-length album ever, the 13-song 47-minute Cellars and Attics, nine years after Ramsey began playing music in the public sector. Lyrically, his skills are light-years ahead of his first set of lines written in that cramped room on Pine Avenue. Replacing the outright absurdity of “Terrorism isn’t that bad. I’ll tell you what’s bad. I’m bad…” to the self-reflexive theme of duality on his new record with lines like “My mind’s a house and I’ll still be inside it when the Cellar tells the Attic that he’s seen the light again,” Ramsey is obviously spitting with more conviction than jokes for an afternoon spent on a porch. And it’s this passion that inevitably begs certain questions. One has to wonder, is he serious? “I got serious when I realized I could rap my ass off.” Yes. Yes he is. “Experience has taught me I don’t play well with others [musically] and emceeing is exactly the art form that I needed. I needed to make music for myself and playing guitar and drums went into the beat making process. For three years, I’ve been waiting for the rap to wear off and it still hasn’t.” 25 33

“Do I worry you?” asks Ramsey as he’s driving a studly green/blue mini-van (not his). This particular blue/green mini-van is normally able to handle turns and merging exceptionally well. Yet now, on the way to see Ocean’s 13, Ramsey is making the van bow and sway like an extra at Burning Man.

drunk, underage kid in North Carolina and a fight almost broke out in South Carolina. “I stole a bottle of honey from the place we were staying and there was much ado about that,” says Ramsey. “But while on tour, you got to protect your neck and your throat. There’s your sound byte.”

“Yea.”

But how did Ramsey relate to the underground rap scene having such strong roots to a culture so far removed from his upbringing? “At first, I tried to think of how to truthfully say I’m not a white kid from the suburbs, which is not true,” says Ramsey. “However, I’ve met many others exactly like me in the underground rap scene that I can connect to. Even if you look at [fellow Concice recording artist] Murk One, he has the same problem. He has a hard time shaking the image people have constructed about him. We have a lot in common even though we come from different cultures. I think the time spent within French culture being an American allowed me to dive into another musical culture willingly. I probably wouldn’t be doing what I do if it wasn’t for my time spent in Europe.

“Odd, that’s what Stranger Day said too.” Earlier this June, Swordplay embarked on the “Possibly Homeless Tour” along with DopeMakers artists Stranger Day and Haji P who were promoting their collaborative album, Not Felt. When discussing the tour’s name, Ramsey offers this insight: “We slept on people’s floors and couches, ate their food, and were sent on our way the next day. We slept in a Ford Taurus one night. It sounds kind of like the actions of a homeless person. However, we did have to get a hotel one night and a four-dollar bottle of champagne.” Touring in a hardcore/punk/emo/whatever band and touring as a hip-hop artist seem worlds apart as artists spread separate gospels. Yet Ramsey dwells in that in-between limbo having grown up listening to bands like Boy Sets Fire, Saetia and Mineral and wishing to use OutKast, Dead Prez and Public Enemy as current compasses. The uneducated in both camps can generate bemused questions to either party during crossovers. Questions like “Why didn’t anyone make actual, tangible flyers instead of just MySpace bulletining?” when addressing most hardcore show promoters or “What exactly is Da Club like?” Luckily, Ramsey can mediate between the two. “Da Club will charge for cups of water and Da Club will insist on using seizure-inducing lights,” says Ramsey. “Da Club will have a super VIP room with a big fat Chinese man sporting a braided ponytail guarding the door. Da Club will tell you to step up your rap game and not pay you,” says Ramsey almost not being able to contain his laughter. “Da Club is located in Charlotte, N.C. and is called Eden/Lava. It caters to not one, but two low IQ kinds of individuals: wannabe Euro trash and wannabe thugs.” Citing that there aren’t too many underground rappers in the touring circuit, Ramsey says the tour was a success. “I’m trying to think of some sound bytes for you,” says Ramsey while thinking about the tour and what he wants to say instead of focusing on the road. “It was full of hopes and dreams finally realized I don’t know. I’ve learned from this interviewing thing that it’s good to speak in sound bytes. I’ll tell you when I have the right sentence.” Not that the tour was without certain stains or setbacks. The tour’s vehicle was pissed on by a 26

It seems that image is first, personality second and music third in terms of importance in the underground hip-hop scene. I got them in the opposite order.” Putting the music first, Ramsey is excited about Swordplay’s new full-length. “It’s like an extra birthday,” says Ramsey. “Seriously, it’s exactly the record I wanted to make. While The Tilt was about going too far and losing balance but feeling good about it, Cellars is thematic as it deals with the issue that life is full of duality. But it’s not about picking a side but instead finding a non-dual path to exist. I’ve seen people who’ve seen Enlightenment but I’m not there yet. Twenty-two is an awkward age.” Engineered by Chuck Hall of Ill Dialects, the record also features multiple appearances from other local artists including Martinnealreamy, Murk One and Homemade Knives. “I want to do more collaborations in the future as I was really pleased with engineer Allen Bergandahl’s work on “Saint-Etienne”. You could tell he got his hands dirty in a good way giving the song more of a psychedelic twist.” Both Swordplay records feature artwork from Richmond visionary/artist Elliot Robinson. “There are so many things I could say about Elliot,” remarks Ramsey. “I’ll just say he’s my biggest inspiration.” With that cleared up, one last question still looms after the movie and a trip to a West End bar, The Pour House, for some nightcaps: What’s up with the triple large white T-Shirts? “They’re more comfortable than super tight plaid button-up T-shirts,” says Ramsey. When asked why he doesn’t sport the white tees himself, Ramsey coolly responds, “For the same reason I don’t wear super tight plaid button-up T-shirts.” Check out Swordplay or order Cellars and Attics at www.myspace.com/idrop or Concice Records at www.myspace.com/concicerecords.

A r t i s t 1 . J o a n J ett And The Blackhe arts 2 . Av e n u e D 3 . F o x y Brown 4 . F a n n y Pack 5 . O u t k a st 6 . J u s t i n Timberlake 7 . P e a c h es 8 . D i r t y S anchez 9 . T h e F aint 1 0 . K e l i s 11 . M C L uscious 1 2 . M e s s iah J & The Expert 1 3 . G o l d f rapp 1 4 . C y n d i Lauper 1 5 . T h e Rolling Stones 1 6 . T h e Bellfuries 1 7 . N o F X 1 8 . G WA R 1 9 . J a m e s Brown 2 0 . T h e Magnetic Fields 2 1 . J o a n Jett & Paul Westerb erg

Track “Do You Wanna Touch M e ” “2D2F” “I Taste Just Like Candy ” “On My Lap” “Spread” “FutureSex/LoveSound” “AA XXX” “Fucking on the Dance F l o o r ” “Worked Up So Sexual” “Blindfold Me” [feat. Nas ] “Boom I Fucked Your Bo y f r i e n d ” “Down At The Strip Show ” “Strict Machine” “She Bop” “Star Star” “Up To Your Old Tricks A g a i n ” “Liza & Louise” “Sexicutioner” “Sex Machine” “Let’s Pretend We’re Bu n n y R a b b i t s ” “Let’s Do It”

A l b u m F e t i s h 2 D 2 F E . P. B r o k e n S i l e n c e S e e Yo u N e x t Tu e s d a y T h e L o v e B e l o w F u t u r e s e x / L o v e s o u n d Te a c h e s o f P e a c h e s R e a l l y R i c h I t a l i a n S a t a n i s t s S a d d l e C r e e k 5 0 , D i s c 1 K e l i s Wa s H e r e B r u t a l R a p s , Vo l . 1 : S e x & L i e s W h a t ’s C o n f u s i n g Yo u B l a c k C h e r r y S h e ’s S o U n u s u a l G o a t s H e a d S o u p J u s t P l a i n L o n e s o m e W h i t e Tr a s h , Tw o H e e b s a n d a B e a n S c u m d o g s o f t h e U n i v e r s e W h e r e ’s M y M o n e y 6 9 L o v e S o n g s [ Vo l . 1 ] Ta n k G i r l S o u n d t r a c k

T h e Naughty M i x tape

Ti m e 3:43 2:59 3:45 3:44 3:51 4:02 4:07 5:36 2 : 4 2 4:19 4:30 3:32 3 : 5 1 3:43 4:24 3:12 2:24 4:02 5:15 2:25 2:23

I l o v e a g o o d n a u g h t y s o n g . Nothing is more amusing to me than a song about gettin’ i t o n . H e r e i s a m i x t a p e about strippers, she bopping, seduction and some other silly and sexy things to make you blush. I hope this mix makes you laugh as m u c h a s i t d i d f o r m e . I f y o u have a suggestion for the n e x t m i x t a p e l e t m e k n o w. - L a u r e n Vi n c e l l i lauren.vincelli@yahoo.com

By Laure Laur enn Vi Vinncceellllii By

DOWN TO NOTHING The Most Revelation Records With one proper full length and various 7” releases under their collective belt, Richmond hardcore favorites Down To Nothing offer up their newest effort, their first full length for legendary label Revelation Records. While stepping slightly away from their songs of a year or two earlier, The Most still packs their unique anthemic hardcore feel. If

nothing else, a sense of more cohesive and mature songwriting is present, making for a solid, complete album that is at times both fast-paced and intense. These songs won’t get stuck in your head quite like some of the older tunes, but that doesn’t mean they’re lacking… maybe they’ll prove to be more lasting because of it. -Sean Patrick Rhorer

GALLOWS Orchestra of Wolves Epitaph Records

You’d be hardpressed to read any British rock magazine of the past few months without seeing something about Gallows. They’ve become the media darlings in the U.K. and it’s starting to seep into the U.S. as well… but is all the hype warranted? Sounding like a little more aggressive and less garage rockinfluenced Bronx, Gallows present what seems like a punk/hardcore sound made accessible to the masses (and easily

praised by critics). Unfortunately, I think they have less to offer to more purist fans of the sound, who might find the music a tad generic and watered down. A decent record that isn’t quite as good as the hype. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

JOSH SMALL Tall Suburban Home Records Having provided an unequivocal contribution to friend Tim Barry’s solo release for Suburban

36 Local band names are in RED + CLICK ON THE ALBUM COVER TO GOTO THE WEBSITE

Home, it’s no surprise the label picked up Josh Small for his next album. Filling each song with his trademark folk sound, Small’s music strays from the herd of punk-kids-playingfolk, instead feeling much more genuine and authentic. And everything about this new recording expresses those natural tendencies: it’s honest, heartfelt, and just plain good. Yet another example of how Richmond

continues to be one of the best places for music, no matter what style. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

THE HOTDAMNS! Vanquished EP Self-Released www.myspace.com/ thehotdamnsrva The Hotdamns! have become one of those Richmond bands that are just so damn fun and lovable (and of course talented) even when their songs travel to somber situations about lost loves, broken hearts, and

turning up a bottle (due to lost loves and broken hearts). With Vanquished they transfer some of their best live songs to disc with a great production from Richmond’s own Sound of Music studios. The band’s female/male dynamic lyrical interplay from Danielle Ahart and David Reed Hughes on most of the album has a catchy depth that makes you want to sing along. The most fun example of this is “Walk” which switches between the two crooners

then has them come together for the chorus (“Walk” will be a perfect song for Hotdamns! the Musical ). Ahart takes the vocal lead mostly, but on “Mr. Williams,” Hughes gets his moment to shine with a song dedicated to ol’ Hank’s “cheatin’ heart/tear in my beer” tunes. Ahart’s keyboard/piano work, Hughes guitars, Frank Guertler’s drums and Jay Lindsey’s bass add more quirky texture to these tunes, with one of the biggest displays

being the title track “Vanquished.” Not the disc to put in on the way to a raging party, but perfect for when you’re lonely on a rainy day and suddenly get a phone call from your boyfriend saying that it’s over… he’s impregnated your best friend… and it’s twins. -Parker

SOUVENIR’S YOUNG AMERICA An Ocean Without Water Crucial Blast The great thing about a band like Souvenir’s

Young America is that they aren’t afraid to bring new elements into their sound as long as it expands while upholding their musical vision. With An Ocean Without Water they evolve even further by continuing to bring instruments and sounds you wouldn’t necessarily associate with an instrumental band that originally started off as a two-piece with keyboards, electronic beats, and a guitar. Drummer Graham Scala (who was recruited into the

band two years ago) continues to offer his finest percussion to the outfit as well as dabbling into spurts of slide guitar throughout the album, giving certain areas a slightly hallucinatory, western-tinged feel. Add the harmonica of guest Noah Saval (also appearing on the three track September Songs released by band in late 2006), as well as a collaboration with Aughra (Magic Bullet Records) and Nick Forte (Sublight Records) and you

have songs perfect for venturing out into the desert under a star-filled sky heading toward an unknown destination (or maybe searching for a deeply hidden interdimensional doorway). Guest cellist Chris Carroll is also back for tracks “Blood Alone Does Not a Father Make” and “The Sheltering Sky” contributing to beautiful, haunting melodies that tend to ebb and flow in and out of An Ocean Without Water. With this new effort Jonathan

Lee (keyboards), Ken Rayner (guitar), Graham Scala and gang continue to build SYA’s intricate sound into a force that has the ability to transport our ears from the intensely epic to the texturally serene… and back. -Parker

TRANZMITORS Self titled Deranged Records Following the release of a handful of great vinyl singles, Canadian power pop outfit Tranzmitors deliver a great full length. Filled with

catchy riffs and stuck-in-your-head hooks, this album will have even the most critical of pop fans singing along and bopping their head. While comparisons to groups like Buzzcocks and The Undertones seem easily made, Tranzmitors are doing something retro, yet original, making for an awesome overall sound. - Sean Patrick Rhorer

TOMAHAWK Anonymous Ipecac Records Tomahawk is on the warpath again,

and this time they strike gold with their most unique and impressive album to date. As most fans are aware, Kevin Rutmanis no longer performs with either The Melvins or Tomahawk. While Buzz and Dale joined forces with Hydra Head’s premiere act Big Business, Tomahawk neglected to replace the bassist, continuing on as a three piece. Additionally, band founder Duane Denison decided to honor the band’s name by immersing himself in Native

American culture and pushing the new album, Anonymous , in that direction. His feel for the ancestral flavor of true native music apparently originated while touring with Hank III a few years ago. Of course, Mike Patton-perhaps the world’s most gifted (and unique) vocalist--is up for the challenge, and John Stanier establishes himself as a great drummer on this recording. Apparently Denison was disappointed in the bands playing on the reservations

he visited, so he decided to delve deeper into the culture. In search of something “aggressive, spookier, and more kinetic,” he happened upon some old books with transcriptions of the songs featured on the disc. Denison proceeded to record with Stanier in Nashville while Patton would later work his magic in San Francisco. Fans of the inventive singer likely enjoyed this approach on Peeping Tom’s incredible selftitled debut, and it

works perfectly here as well. I will admit that I was skeptical when I first heard about Anonymous and the ambitions fueling this dizzying descent into tribal power. While the idea sounded intriguing, I couldn’t really wrap my head around the concept as applied to a bizarre rock outfit. Additionally, I was a fan of Rutmanis and I feared that his absence would create a void. Fortunately, my fears were blown away like smoke signals as the

journey began and I was granted a hit on Tomahawk’s peace pipe. To say that this modern take on primitive music works is a serious understatement. Iin truth, it is pure magic. Here and here alone modern music of the highest order is married to the solemn rituals of a widely forgotten era. Fresh beats, mysterious chords, ominous samples, and vocal absurdities join forces with primal percussion, mystical chants, and enough

raw power to stop a rampaging buffalo in its tracks. Some will love it while others will hate it, but I strongly believe that Anonymous will stand as 2007’s most creative and impressive oddity. Perhaps most surprising is the degree to which the theme suits the Tomahawk vibe. While the concept may sound like a clash of style and sound, the pairing is as natural and organic as the source material that inspired it. The three stellar

musicians involved all seem completely comfortable with the feel of the project, and each member of the group shines. They seem to understand the concept of a true band far better than any studio honcho or industry insider ever could. A real band isn’t so much a product as the sum of the parts involved. A band doesn’t need a particular look or sound so much as participants who are willing to push one another into new realms. Whereas most groups identify

their niche and work within those constraints, shaping their output to meet their audience’s needs, Tomahawk is too busy breaking new ground. Their image continues to change —they make music that challenges them, following their amazing talents wherever they may lead as opposed to funneling them in a specific direction. I know this is Denison’s band, but Anonymous is much like a typical Patton project in that the individual tracks

were organized so that there is a singular feel to the album as a whole. Most recordings strive for this effect, but few musicians have Patton’s ability to achieve it. While “Red Fox,” “Omaha Dance,” “Totem,” and “Crow Dance” stand out, fans will embrace Anonymous from start to finish. Music lovers spanning the globe will enjoy the bold transitions and the sweeping reverence that elevate the music while marveling at the sublime manner in which the tracks

bleed together. For a thoroughly satisfying sonic experience like no other, I encourage anyone with an open mind and an adventurous spirit to check this album out. Seldom has such a gifted band engineered such an impressive trip into unknown territory, deftly paying tribute to an ancient sound while giving their audience something truly progressive. -Jimmy Wayland

Know Your

Swimming holes From the kiddie pool to the beach, know where to cool down this summer.

by Tess Dixon

image by Adam Jur esko + Ant

K I D D I E P O O L S T h e k i d d i e p o o l i n yo u r b a c k y a r d c a n t u r n a n o r d i n a r y, h o t s u m m e r d ay i n t o a p a r t y. Yo u c a n g e t t h e m f o r a b o u t $ 1 5 a t t h e s u p e r s t o r e o f yo u r c h o i c e , d r a g t h e m h o m e , f i l l t h e m u p w i t h t h e h o s e , a n d yo u ’ r e d o n e . I n s t a n t p a r t y. B e s u r e t o d u m p yo u r p o o l o u t a n d r e f r e s h t h e w a t e r e v e r y c o u p l e o f d ay s, o r m i x a s m a l l c u p o f b l e a c h i n t o t h e w a t e r … o t h e r w i s e , it’s mosquito heaven. Kiddie pools are a lot of fun when u s e d i n c o n j u n c t i o n w i t h c o o k o u t s a n d t h o s e l i t t l e t oy s t h a t g r o w w h e n yo u p l a c e t h e m i n w a t e r. BELLE ISLE

C l a s s i c , c l o s e , c r o w d e d . O n w a r m d ay s , t h e r o c k s o f B e l l e Isle are a favorite respite from the sizzling black asphalt of t h e c i t y. A c c e s s i s g a i n e d v i a Tr e d e g a r S t r e e t , a n d a q u i c k walk across the river on a footbridge yields one of the finest v i e w s i n t o w n . Yo u c a n s u n b a t h e o n t h e r o c k s a n d t a k e a d i p in the tr anquil pools that collect along the shor e, but any s e r i o u s s w i m m i n g i s d e t e r r e d by t h e p r e s e n c e o f s o m e f i e r c e r a p i d s. B e l l e I s l e i s f r e q u e n t l y c r o w d e d d u r i n g t h e s u m m e r, bu t yo u s h o u l d b e o k ay i f yo u d o n’ t m i n d l o t s o f s l o b b e r i n g d o g s a n d d r u n k e n t e e n a g e r s. A n d d o n’ t m i s s o u t o n t h e historical significance of the island, which was an infamous C i v i l Wa r p r i s o n .

P O N Y PA S T U R E T h i s i s w h e r e yo u t a k e yo u r o u t - o f - t o w n f r i e n d s t o i m p r e s s t h e m w i t h t h e m a j e s t y o f t h e J a m e s. A c o u p l e o f m i l e s w e s t w a r d d o w n t h e J a m e s f r o m B e l l e I s l e l i e s Po ny Pa s t u r e , the home of ever ybody’s favorite r apid slide. Unlike Belle I s l e , t h e s e r a p i d s a r e s a f e f o r t r a v e r s i n g, a n d t o ge t h e r t h e y f o r m a s o r t o f s l i d e t h a t yo u c a n t u m bl e a l o n g f o r 5 0 y a r d s o r s o. M a k e s u r e yo u w e a r s h o e s , a s t h e r o c k s W I L L c u t yo u o t h e r w i s e . T h e a t h l e t i c n a t u r e o f t h i s a c t i v i t y, a s w e l l a s t h e n u m b e r o f k i d s b o u n c i n g g l e e f u l ly a l o n g t h e r a p i d s , m a k e s f o r a m o r e e v e n t f u l d ay a t t h e r i v e r r a t h e r t h a n a l a z y, c h i l l e d o u t d ay a t t h e r i v e r. Admission: free h t t p : / / w w w. v i r g i n i a . o r g / s i t e / d e s c r i p t i o n . a s p ? A t t r I D = 3 6 9 3 6

Admission: free h t t p : / / w w w. j a m e s r i v e r p a r k . o r g

H A DA D ’ S L A K E T h e r e v e r e d v e n u e o f B e s t Fr i e n d s D ay i s n’ t j u s t o p e n f o r t h a t w e e k e n d , f o l k s. A n y t i m e d u r i n g t h e s u m m e r yo u c a n i n d u l ge yo u r c r a v i n g f o r g i a n t i n f l a t a b l e b a t t l e g r o u n d s , rope swings, and the delightfully mur ky bottom of Hadad’s Lake. Not for the squeamish, but then again, neither is the J a m e s. Yo u c a n s p l a s h a r o u n d l i k e a m a n i a c , o r t h e p i c n i c t a bl e s, g r i l l s , a n d p a d d l e b o a t s w i l l s u f f i c e f o r a l l yo u r l a i d b a c k n e e d s a s w e l l . A n d B YO B , p e o p l e . B YO B . C e r t a i n l y yo u r b e s t s u m m e r b e t f o r l o n g a f t e r n o o n s s p e n t d r i n k i n g w i t h a l a r g e g r o u p. Admission: $12

Admission: $7 for swimming Mon-Fri

h t t p : / / w w w. h a d a d s l a k e . c o m

h t t p : / / w w w. l a k e r a w l i n g s . c o m

C O B B L E S TO N E S PA R K I t ’ s t h e l a r g e s t p o o l i n Vi r g i n i a , i t ’ s l o c a t e d j u s t a f e w m i l e s o u t s i d e o f t h e c i t y, a n d n o b o d y k n o w s about it. The 38,000 square foot pool, water slides t h a t s e n d yo u h u r t l i n g a t 6 0 m p h , a n d g i a n t f a u x b e a c h e s a l l s e e m w o r t h i nv e s t i g a t i n g. L o o k s l i k e an infinitely more upscale ver sion of Hadad’s, but w i t h o u t t h e B YO B . Yo u d e c i d e . Admission: $12 http://cobblestonespark.com

L A K E R AW L I N G S

A n h o u r o r s o d r i v e f r o m R i c h m o n d b r i n g s yo u t o a t r a n q u i l l a k e t h a t w a s o n c e a q u a r r y. T h e w a t e r i s r a t h e r c l e a r d u e to being encased in solid rock rather than a dir t shore, a n d d e p e n d i n g o n t h e t i m e o f y e a r yo u c a n s e e a ny w h e r e from 30 feet to 60 feet through the water (the better to view pur posely-sunken objects such as skulls and school b u s e s ) . O n e d r a w b a c k : yo u c a n o n l y s w i m t h e r e o n t h e w e e k e n d s i f yo u ’ r e p a r t o f a s c u b a d i v i n g g r o u p. G o o d f o r t h o s e d ay s w h e n yo u g e t t h a t i t c h t o b e i n t h e m i d d l e o f n o w h e r e , u n d e t e c t e d by t h e R i c h m o n d h o r d e s.

WAT E R C O U N T RY U S A

T h i s i s w h e r e yo u g o f o r w a t e r s l i d e s. T h e y ’ v e g o t ever y manner of slide known to man, including with r afts, without r afts, near-ver tical drops, pitch-black tubes, fast and twist-filled, etc. Other options include the obstacle cour se, an enor mous wave pool, a n d t h e e v e r - p o p u l a r l a z y r i v e r. I n o r d e r t o e n j oy t h i s , yo u m u s t b e c o o l w i t h w a i t i n g i n l i n e s a l l d ay, i n yo u r b a t h i n g s u i t , w i t h a b u n c h o f s t r a n g e r s. Admission: $38.95 h t t p : / / w w w. w a t e r c o u n t r y u s a . c o m

V I R G I N I A B E AC H

L e t ’ s f a c e i t . N o b o d y c h o o s e s t o v a c a t i o n a t Vi r g i n i a Beach. But when the ur ge to see rednecks in tube t o p s s e i z e s yo u , yo u ’ l l b e h e a d i n g e a s t f a s t . P r o b a bly the most enter taining destination yet listed as far as people-watching goes, and of cour se nothing beats the refreshment of swimming in the actual Atlantic Ocean. The boardwalk area boasts the usual reper toire of junk f o o d , f a k e t a t t o o s , a n d a Vi r g i n i a B e a c h f a v o r i t e : d e a d s h a r k s i n a j a r. A d d e d b o n u s e s i n c l u d e o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r h a u n t e d h o u s e s , c a r n i v a l s , m i n i g o l f, a n d o t h e r b e a c h t o w n a c t i v i t i e s. A n d i f t h e c r o w d s a r e n’ t yo u r t h i n g, h e a d s o u t h t o S a n d b r i d g e f o r s o m e ge n u i n e ly b e a u t i f u l b e a c h e s m i n u s a l l t h e r u c k u s. Admission: free h t t p : / / w w w. v b f u n . c o m

THE NEW RIVER

Tu b i n g d o w n t h e N e w R i v e r i s r u m o r e d t o b e t h e e n d - a l l b e - a l l o f s u m m e r d ay t r i p s. Yo u c a n r e n t i n n e r t u b e s ( a n d “ c o o l e r t u b e s ” t o h o l d yo u r b e v e r a ge s a s yo u f l o a t ) a t N e w R i v e r J u n c t i o n , 1 5 m i l e s o u t s i d e o f B l a c k s bu r g. A f t e r yo u r l e i s u r e l y 1 - m i l e f l o a t – a c c e n t e d by s o m e m i l d r a p i d s - - yo u ex i t v i a a b e a c h a n d s w i m o r g r i l l o u t f o r a s l o n g a s yo u ’ d l i k e . A s h u t t l e bu s t a k e s yo u b a c k t o t h e b e g i n n i n g a n d yo u c a n e i t h e r l e a v e o r f l o a t t h e r i v e r a g a i n a s m a n y t i m e s a s yo u ’ d l i k e . O b v i o u s l y yo u c a n d o m u c h m o r e o n t h e N e w R i v e r ( w h i t e w a t e r r a f t i n g, c a n o e i n g, f i s h i n g, e t c . ) bu t t u b i n g i s m o r e r e l e v a n t t o o u r d i s c u s s i o n o f w ay s t o s i m p l y c o o l o f f d u r i n g t h e s u m m e r. Tu b e r e n t a l : $ 4 w e e k d a y s , $ 5 w e e k e n d s h t t p : / / w w w. n e w r i v e r j u n c t i o n . c o m

TAKE THE EZ 2 LOVE OUR CITY QUIZ by Don Harrison

image by Ant

What? Yo u s a y y o u d o n ’ t k n o w t h e f i r s t t h i n g a b o u t Vi r g i n i a S u p r e m e C o u r t decisions, no-bid contracts, highrolling developers, incompetent consultants and new city resources? We l l , i t s o u n d s l i k e y o u m i g h t b e ripe and ready for another Richmondcentric brain puzzler! Ye s , y o u . The one in the hat. C’mon … TA K E T H E E Z 2 L O V E O U R C I T Y quiz and GET KNOWLEDGED about c u r r e n t e v e n t s i n R - To w n ! [Warning: May induce dizziness and vomiting. You may get night sweats. Do not take the EZ 2 LOVE OUR CITY quiz if you experience intestinal discomfort or begin losing teeth. Do not take the quiz while operating — or fueling — motor vehicles, or when giving birth, or when walking with a beloved pet. For god sakes, don’t stay at that dangerous hotel out by the airport while taking the EZ 2 LOVE OUR CITY quiz. Before taking it, ask your doctor if the EZ 2 LOVE OUR CITY QUIZ is right for you.]

1. Richmond City Council recently voted against conf ir ming Mayor Wilder’s choice for Richmond’s c h i e f a d m i n i s t r a t i v e o f f i c e r. W h i c h o f t h e f o l l o w i n g i s N OT a r e a s o n given by council for tur ning down Harr y Black as the city’s top administrator? A. Harry Black had issued two no-bid c o n t r a c t s t o a Wa s h i n g t o n D . C . - b a s e d accounting firm to conduct outside audits of the Richmond school system a n d t h e a s s e s s o r ’s o f f i c e … w i t h o u t c o u n c i l ’s p e r m i s s i o n . B. Harry Black was already referring t o h i m s e l f a s t h e c i t y ’s c h i e f administrative officer without the c o u n c i l ’s c o n s e n t . C. Harry Black fired legislative services director Ellen Bowyer when he had no authority to do so. D . H a r r y B l a c k ’s d e s i g n a t e d n i c k n a m e , “ B a b y Wi l d e r, ” i s u n a c c e p t a b l e . Council would prefer to call him, “ L i ’ l D i c t a t o r. ”

2 . A c c o r d i n g t o S t y l e We e k l y, t h e F i n a n c e Department of the City of Richmond accidentally s e n t 12 9 h o m e o w n e r s … A. Free gas cards. B. 129 love notes. C . To O k l a h o m a C i t y D. Real estate tax bills for more than 60 times what some residents owed. 3 . T h e N e w Yo r k T i m e s r e c e n t l y p u b l i s h e d a travel piece on Ric hmond. From t he following, pic k t he one quote t hat was missing in t he f inal version: A . “ R i c h m o n d t o d a y c o m p e t e s w i t h Wa s h i n g t o n , its near n e i g h b o r, in up-to-date cultural sophistication. B . “ H I P R i c h m o n d i s i n C a r y t o w n , t h e c i t y ’s o l d e s t shopping district.” C. “Shockoe Bottom is a district of nightclubs and restaurants.” D. ” A good way to wrap up a visit to Richmond is w i t h a f l a t - b o t t o m b o a t t o u r a l o n g t h e c i t y ’s c a n a l s , an extensive system once used to ferry tobacco, wheat and passengers.” E . “ B o y, t h i s G r e a t e r R i c h m o n d P a r t n e r s h i p b r o c h u r e really contains a lot of handy information.” 45

4 . E a r l i e r t h i s y e a r, t h e R i c h m o n d S c h o o l Board sued Mayor Douglas Wilder over his attempts to c hange how sc hool funding is allocated, and a Richmond circuit cour t judge r u l e d i n f a v o r o f t h e M a y o r. T h i s m o n t h , t h e Virginia Supreme Cour t refused to hear the sc hool board’s appeal of t hat verdict. Whic h o f t h e f o l l o w i n g d i d N OT h a p p e n a f t e r t h e board’s appeal was tur ned down: A. School Board Chairman George Braxton stated, “The Richmond City School Board looks to City leadership to provide greater clarity in dealing with the appropriation of School Board funds…” B. School Board Chairman George Braxton argued, “The school system has done more than any public body around to open our books.” C. School Board Chairman George Braxton opined, “It really was no decision, and our feeling was that we have been denied an opportunity to get some clarity on this.” D . S c h o o l b o a r d m e m b e r K e i t h We s t s a i d t h a t he believed chairman George Braxton should be dismissed because he “produced a budget that attacked our lowest wage workers but left intact huge areas [of] waste pointed out by studies and audits.” E. All of the above happened. 46

5. The Virginia Per f or ming Arts Foundation’s contract with its longstanding consultant, AMS Planning & Researc h, is u p f o r r e n e w a l t h i s s u m m e r. W h i c h o f t h e f o l l o w i n g i s N OT a n a c c o m p l i s h m e n t o f this consulting firm? A. Advised and wrote the original plan for M i a m i ’s C a r n i v a l P e r f o r m i n g A r t s C e n t e r, which has now gone $250 million over budget, with monthly costs bloating from an original estimate of $306,000 to more than $616,000. B. Advised the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, which opened in an unfinished state, and with cost overruns that contributed to a $30 million debt. C. Claimed that the shows presented at U n i v e r s i t y o f R i c h m o n d ’s M o d l i n C e n t e r w o u l d h a v e n o e f f e c t o n R i c h m o n d ’s a r t s center project because the Modlin was “at the U n i v e r s i t y o f Vi r g i n i a i n C h a r l o t t e s v i l l e . ” D . H i r e d M i c h e l l e Wa l t e r t o a d v i s e t h e Vi r g i n i a Performing Arts Foundation not long after she resigned as the Chief Operating Officer o f t h e Vi r g i n i a P e r f o r m i n g A r t s F o u n d a t i o n . E. Still clears $10,000 a month from the Richmond project. F. All of these are AMS accomplishments.

6. The “Richmond Fraud Squad” is… A . A B C ’s n e w h i t s e r i e s , s e t i n t h e l a t e ’ 6 0 ’s , w h i c h f o l l o w s a t r i o o f hippie civil servants. B. Probably the saddest superhero c o l l e c t i v e e v e r. C. “One bad mother…” [Shut your mouth]… “I’m talking ’bout the Fraud Squad.” D. A website where you can “report any suspected waste, fraud and abuse in City government.” 7. What made a city auditor suspicious that Richmond city wor kers might just be abusing t he gas credit cards used to fuel up city -owned vehicles? A. One worker managed to put 65 gallons of gas into a 16-gallon tank. B. There were at least 645 instances where city workers pumped more gas than their vehicle could hold. C. There were at least 160 instances found where the same gas card was

used to fuel multiple times during the same 24hour period. D . R i c h m o n d ’s m a n a g e r o f f l e e t s e r v i c e o p e r a t i o n s had been under criminal investigation for his previous work in fleet administration with the New Yo r k D e p a r t m e n t o f E n v i r o n m e n t a l P r o t e c t i o n . E. All of the above, plus an oil check. 8. D.C. Developer Douglas Jemal, who purchased the Central National Bank building, has announced t hat he wants to buy t he entire 10 0 b l o c k o f E a s t B r o a d . W h a t ’ s h e g o i n g t o do with it? A. Three words: “New Arts Center” B. He wants to revive the block with new businesses, restaurants and apartments. C . H e w a n t s t o t u r n i t i n t o t h e w o r l d ’s l a r g e s t R u b y Tu e s d a y. D. He’d love to answer that question but he’d rather take the Fifth and exercise his right to not incriminate himself.

9. D.C. Developer Douglas Jemal, and ot hers like him, will be able to easily per use ot her empty downtown buildings b y r e l y i n g o n Va c a n t R i c h m o n d . Va c a n t Richmond is… A. The best Sex Pistols tribute band in town B. $129.95, complete with Swedish massage C. A website that enables a person to search t h r o u g h t h e c i t y ’s d a t a b a s e t o f i n d v a c a n t or abandoned properties in Richmond (at w w w. v a c a n t r i c h m o n d . c o m ) D . Ve n t u r e R i c h m o n d ’s l e s s e r - e n d o w e d booster cousin, which shares an office with a bail bondsman in a seedy strip mall. 10. 7th District GOP Congressman Eric Cantor attac ks House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s recent tr ip t o Syr ia on his spif fy new blog. “Pelosi’s decision damaged the security of Middle East and is bad for America,” he writes. But what does Rep. Cantor fail to tell his area constituents about this “dangerous” trip:

A. Several Republican lawmakers accompanied Pelosi. B. Pelosi was told beforehand by President Bush that her trip to meet with President Assad of Syria was no threat to national s e c u r i t y. C. Republican lawmakers had m a d e e a r l i e r, s i m i l a r d i p l o m a t i c trips to Syria that Rep. Cantor did not object to. D. In meeting with Syria, Pelosi was following the recommendations of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group. E . All of these facts went unmentioned by Eric Cantor 1 . D , 2 . D , 3 . E , 4 . E , 5 . F, 6 . D , 7. E, 8. B, 9. C, 10. E.

Don Harrison is a Richmondbased freelance writer and the co-founder of saverichmond.com, where an earlier version of this quiz was originally published.

Party Patrols and Declining Statistics in the City That Fun Forgot by Don Harrison

image by Ant

Thanks to a rushed consent agenda vote by Richmond City Council, city tax dollars will now be used to help fund the egregious coterie of snoops known as “The Party Patrol.” That’s right, a shameful civic campaign to target young people having too much fun has expanded from being a private conceit sponsored by the Fan District Association and one single smarmy, censorious councilperson (Bill Pantele) to an official city campaign that will use Paygo money to enable and support the efforts of neighborhood peeping toms in and around Virginia Commonwealth University. It reads like this:

res. No. 2007-R86; (Patron: President Pantele) - To approve an expenditure in the amount of $5,000 from the General Fund Council Districts Operating Budget funds for the Second District to support the off-duty police patrol costs of the Fan District Association’s “Party Patrol” program for the 2006-2007 school year. 52

<---- This “Gladys Kravitz Memorial Motion” passed 9-0, with not a single councilperson expressing discomfort over publicly funding a program that blatantly discriminates against young people, offers no legal due course for those who are accused of living in a “party house”, and would appear to be run by chemically-imbalanced property owners who can’t spell and have moved next to a vibrant university in spite of having an irrational hatred of college students: “Well the short answer is we should not! Why because when young adults are out on their own they should have develop a sences [sic] of responsibility and the desire to work with the comminity [sic] to make it a better place to live, and many do just that. However, as we have come to learn many young adults have neither respect for the neighborhood or their neighbors. Add to this that the Fan District Association is still interesed [sic] in reducing underage drinking by individuals who are not adult enough to be responsible. It’s these irresponsible youths that are the root cause of the distrubance [sic] in our historic and quiet neighborhood where people of all walks of life live, work and play. This is not to say that older more mature adults do not have parties, they do, and on occassion [sic], they may even get noisy. The question is does the noise and behavior violate State and City ordinances? Probably not!”

From their website, that was the FDA’s official rationale for why they needed a Party Patrol. Er... tell me again why Richmond is known far and wide as “The City That Fun Forgot”? ***** Lo and behold, the same week the Party Patrol was funded, there appeared a news article on “The Creative Class” in the Richmond TimesDispatch that reinforced the idea that youth, tolerance and diversity are key to this city’s future growth. Sure, the piece failed to mention the now-official war on young people in River City, and largely skirted the real issues at play when one talks about tangible change in River City; it seemed more concerned with recent census estimates that show Richmond’s declining population. But flaws and all, the article came to a familiar-sounding conclusion: Creative young people dig this place, but most of them don’t stick around because Richmond is so narrow-minded and uptight.

From the Times-Dispatch article: “Jordan Reid, a rising junior at Open High School who enjoys photography and music, has long appreciated Richmond’s creative offerings. ‘I’ve been going to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts ever since I can remember, and I have also been going to [music] shows around Richmond,’ she said. ‘I love the wide range of music throughout Richmond.’ However, Reid isn’t sure her interest in Richmond’s music scene is enough to keep her here once she graduates from high school. ‘I might stay in Richmond, depending on where I get into college,’ Reid said. Reid isn’t alone in her feelings. Heather Gerrish, a rising junior at Trinity Episcopal School, wants to work in dance or theater. She plans to move to New York. Cities throughout the U.S. are losing young adults to more diverse cities with active music and art scenes and a higher tolerance for differences.” You may recall that Richard Florida (the man who coined the term, “Creative Class”) was a much hyped visitor to Richmond four years ago — among the many things the professor said at that time: This city is run like a cliquish country club (not much 53

has changed, has it?). It’s curious that the T-D article would fail to mention that local appearance (or the ballyhooed podium stops of the “Creative” avatars that followed him — Charles Landry, Rebecca Ryan, et al — preaching youth and tolerance); it also ignored the data, survey quotes and facts found in the comprehensive “Young and the Restless” study that was commissioned, and then forgotten about, by local bigwigs in the wake of Florida’s appearance.

• Richmond is experiencing net domestic in-migration among 25 to 34 yearolds, gaining a net of 6,400 people in this category in the past five years. Additionally, Richmond attracted about 4,800 international migrants in this age group. Richmond has a particularly high rate of out-migration relative to in-migration. For every six 25 to 34 year-olds who moved into the region, five left.”

From the introduction to “The Young and the Restless” study. “In recent years, cities have become increasingly aware of the economic importance of talented workers, the people called the “creative class” by professor and author Richard Florida. These talented workers—writers, designers, engineers, architects, researchers, and others—play a key role in creating new ideas that drive business success and regional economic progress. The greatest opportunity to attract and retain these workers is when they are young and mobile, and indeed, our research shows a strong correlation between places with a significant fraction of the young and the restless and various indices of the creative workforce.”

And what did the young “Creative Classers” in the study’s focus group have to say about Richmond. Some responses: “• Richmond’s image is clouded by an unfortunate mix of images – Capitol of the Confederacy, cigarettes, crime and infomercials. As a result, Richmond feels somewhat old, worn and conservative, reliable perhaps, but “blah.”

Among the stats cited in the study, there are a few from the last census that get to the heart of the matter. “• Richmond has 18,000 fewer 25 to 34 year-olds than in 1990, a decline of 12 percent… larger than the U.S. decline of 8 percent.

• It’s a city that resists change, and its citizens are not seen as culturally curious. More attention should be paid to putting more progressive values on display. • With all the changes taking place, Richmond doesn’t seem to have a clear picture of its desired future and what it will take to get there. “Richmond makes decisions a la carte. It makes Richmond look desperate and disorganized. There is a morale problem.” • Another [survey participant] complained of ‘institutional stagnation.

• Richmond’s young adult population is more diverse than the typical U.S. metro. Richmond ranks 40th of the 50 largest U.S. metros in the percentage of the population that is white and 4th in the proportion of young adult AfricanAmericans.

There is not a lot of forethought on how to move the region forward. Not enough thought put into investments.’ When asked, ‘If Richmond were a

car, what kind of car would it be,’ one woman thought a moment and answered, ‘An El Camino. It just doesn’t know what it wants to be.’ • ‘It’s the first place I’ve been called a Yankee. People say they’re joking, but they’re not. Even my parents expected me to come home with an accent and a Confederate hat. It’s too far south, and it’s too far north.’

• It can be very hard to break in to Richmond social circles. (On the other hand, participants said the same thing is true in Atlanta and D.C., and in some cases, they considered Richmond to have more opportunity.)

• ‘The racial issue is bad. There are no mixed crowds, even at music venues.’

• Richmond seems to have little concern for the environment. Again, it suggests a city out of step with today’s values.

• ‘I still think it lacks a lot in diversity. People in D.C. are much more open.’

• The city is perceived to be uptight, with too many rules. One participant suggested it should be called, ‘The city that fun forgot.’”

• ‘It’s a much less progressive town. It’s black and white.’

Don Harrison is a Richmond-based freelance writer, and the co-founder of saverichmond.com, where an earlier version of this essay first appeared.

• ‘I was surprised that Richmond didn’t have more diversity. Richmond is black and white. They don’t talk about much more than that.’ • ‘It is a small-minded community, dated and discriminatory.’ • Richmond’s conservatism is a negative to educated young people. ‘There is no personal growth’ among the citizens was one comment representative of many others. Another put it this way: ‘There’s not much of a pulse here.’

• While there is development focus on downtown, other neighborhoods and unskilled workers are being left out.

To mail, email, or talk to Bill Pantele with any questions, concerns, or comments: Mail: Post Office Box 8 Richmond, VA 23218 E-Mail: Bill@BillPantele.com or Bill.Pantele@Richmondgov.com Phone: (804) 646-5460 Or Mayor Douglas Wilder’s office: Mail: 900 E. Broad St. Room 201 Richmond, VA 23219 E-Mail: askthemayor@ci.richmond.va.us Phone: (804) 646-7970 55

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After we’ve eaten all the chips and are almost finished with our second drink, Shayna stands up with her glass and just helps her self toward the kitchen. “Bethaline, have you ever had Limoncello?”

I look at over at Clar ke with no idea what she’s talking about. I tr y to ask him with my eyes, “Where does she think she is going?” But he’s already up with my glass and his, following Shayna.

By the time I make it in there, she has poured three little glasses of something and she hands me one. Then she s a y s , ” S a l o o - t a y ! ” A t f i r s t , I s i p. I t ’ s v e r y c o l d a n d l e m o n y b u t n o t s o u r a t a l l s o I d r i n k t h e r e s t i n o n e s w a l l o w. S h a y n a laughs and watches our faces. Clar ke lifts his empty glass to S h a y n a a n d h e q u i c k l y d o w n s a n o t h e r. C l a r k e t h i n k s h e h a s some firecr acker s left over from yesterday so they go out to

the little patio that opens from the tiny dining area to the par king lot. I stay in the kitchen and make more snacks. But I keep my eye out.

The oven has made the kitchen hot so I put their beer in the fridge. On the patio, I hear them laugh and clink glasses. I look out and see that the bottle of Limoncello is half gone. I tur n back to the bowl I’m making vegetable dip in. Silence, as they drink a n d r e f i l l . T h e n m o r e l a u g h t e r. T h e y a r e g e t t i n g dr unk.

C l a r k e r u n s i n f o r b e e r s . “A r e y o u h a v i n g f u n , sweetie?” he whisper s. He looks cute with his c h e e k s a l l f l u s h e d . S o I d o n’ t r e a l ly a n s w e r bu t I k i s s h i m l i g h t l y. H e s m i l e s a n d t u r n s t o d i g t h r o u g h the junk drawer for a Bic, then hur ries back to the p a t i o. W h i l e I ’ m l e a n i n g i n t o t h e o v e n t o p u l l o u t a pan of Pillsbur y breadsticks, I hear the fir st of the firecracker s explode. I walk to the screen and smell t h e s u l f u r. “ H e r e , S h a y, ” C l a r k e s a y s t o s s i n g h e r a 59

b r i c k o f f i r e c r a c k e r s . “ Yo u l i g h t s o m e . ”

do they?”

“ I d o n’ t k n o w, W e b e r, t h e f u s e s a r e s m a l l . ” I d o n’ t h e a r w h a t C l a r k e s ay s. I d u m p a j a r o f s a l s a i n t o a c e r a m i c c r o c k . I ’ m o p e n i n g “It’s not the size of the fuse,” Clar ke star ts in, but

the sour cream when Shayna slides the screen door open and sprints to the bathroom.

Shayna groans. I go back to the fridge and pop open

In a minute she’s done. She comes over and actually tweaks my cheek, her hand damp

a b e e r.

a n d s m e l l i n g o f m y c o c o n u t o i l s o a p. “ B e l l a d o n n a ! ” s h e e x c l a i m s . I d o n’ t k n o w w h a t that means, but she hugs me. I guess she means well.

Outside, Shayna pulls something from her bag. “ W e b e r, c h e c k t h i s o u t , ” s h e d e m a n d s . “ C l o s e y o u r

A f t e r a w h i l e , I j o i n t h e m o n t h e p a t i o. I p o u r my s e l f a r o c k s g l a s s o f t h e l e m o n s t u f f

eyes.”

a n d s i t d o w n i n a l a w n c h a i r. I s i t t h r o u g h t w o g i r a n d o l e s , a h e a d b o m b , a b u n c h o f

“Shay –”

l a dy f i n ge r s, e v e n a b o t t l e r o c k e t a n d a d u d Ro m a n c a n d l e . We a l l go i n s i d e a f t e r t h e neighbor leans out his sliding glass door and asks if we could please keep it down.

“No, serious. Close your eyes,” she r e peats. I w atc h

They are still laughing even though we have left are some spar kler s. Clar ke keeps call-

as she tur ns away from him. Abr uptly she snaps

ing Shayna “four eyes.”

b a c k : “ Ta - d a ! ” S h e i s w e a r i n g b l a c k - r i m m e d g l a s s e s . The ends taper and rise just slightly at her temples.

I am all laughed out. I am collapsed on the couch searching for something to look at

Clar ke is motionless, and then he says, “How long

b u t t h e c a b l e ’ s o u t a g a i n . T h e T V s c r e e n l o o k s l i k e t h e l i n t b a s k e t i n a c l o t h e s d r y e r.

you had to wear those?”

I notice the cheese dip is still on the coffee table. It’s cold, a red pepper dice stuck i n t h e m i d d l e l i k e a c a p s i z e d s a i l b o a t i n a Ve l v e e t a s e a . A f t e r I t a k e i t t o t h e k i t c h e n ,

“ Ju s t a c o u p l e m o n t h s, ” S h ay n a a n s w e r s. “ We ’ r e ge t -

I s t r e t c h c o n s p i c u o u s l y. C l a r k e a s k s a t t e n t i v e l y, “ S h a y n a , y o u s u r e y o u d o n’ t n e e d

t i n g o l d , W e b e r. T h e y d o n ’ t m a k e m y h e a d l o o k b i g ,

a n y t h i n g ? ” I y a w n b e h i n d h i m . “A n o t h e r d r i n k ? ” S h a y n a s h a k e s h e r h e a d a n d r e m o v e s

her glasses. “Not at all.” She folds her

tell you what it was going to be…” She pauses,

bit but he says nothing. In the kitchen,

e y e g l a s s e s a n d s a y s g r a v e l y, “ T h i s h a s b e e n

a n d t h e n s a y s e n t h u s i a s t i c a l l y, “A n I t a l i a n c r e a m

a p l a t e s c r a p e s t h e c o u n t e r t o p. “ G o s e e

a real delight.” She looks at me and shakes

cake! The genuine ar ticle! It was beautiful, it

what she is doing in my kitchen,” I plead.

her head some more. “Che buona notte.”

s a i d , ‘A m o r v i n c i t o m n i a . ’ ” Just then Shayna steps out from behind

T h e n s h e s a y s , “A c t u a l l y, I h a v e a l i t t l e s u r -

As she waits for our reaction, she is beaming,

the dar k island, holding the platter of cold

p r i s e f o r y o u t w o . N o t h i n g m u c h , n o w. ” S h e

I m e a n , e a r t o e a r. I l o o k a t C l a r k e . H e l o o k s

c h e e s e d i p i n f r o n t o f h e r, a l i t s p a r k l e r

takes Clar ke’s keys to the Bronco from the

at Shayna, who looks between both of us and

a b l a z e i n i t s c e n t e r. S h e ’ s w e a r i n g h e r

coffee table and says, “I’ ll be right back.”

r e p e a t s , “A m o r v i n c i t o m n i a . ” F i n a l l y C l a r k e s a y s ,

glasses. She holler s, “Congr atulations,

I tidy up the living room, and take the beer

“ I d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t t h a t m e a n s , S h a y. ” S h a y n a

We b e r a n d B e t h a l i n e ! ” T h e s p a r k l e r h i s s e s

c a n s i n t o t h e k i t c h e n . I w i p e t h e c o u n t e r,

g e s t u r e s d r a m a t i c a l l y. S h e m i g h t a s w e l l j u s t s a y,

against the fuzz of the TV as she moves

rinse the sink, and tur n off the light.

“ D u h . ” B u t t h e n s h e d r o p s t o t h e L a z y B o y. “ I t

o u r w a y. T h e n s h e s a y s s o m e t h i n g I g u e s s

d o e s n ’ t m a t t e r. F o r g e t i t . ” I ’ m t h i n k i n g t h i s m i g h t

w h a t m a k e s m e o k a y w i t h h e r. S h e s a y s ,

Shayna comes back in. She’s a little out of

be a good time for us all to head to bed when

“Love conquer s all!”

b r e a t h a n d s a y s , “ I c a n’ t f i n d i t , g u y s . ”

Shayna up and bolts to the kitchen. She’s making more drinks. It’s time I put my foot down.

“ I t h a s t o b e h e r e . W hy d o n’ t yo u p u t yo u r

She bends down to set the cheese dip on the coffee table before us. Light from the

glasses back on,” Clar ke jokes. But she’s

“ I t ’ s l a t e , C l a r k e . We h a v e w o r k i n t h e m o r n i n g, ”

spar kler tur ns into one white rosette tur n-

glum w hen she says, “No, I left it on the

I w h i s p e r. “ I n e e d t o h i t t h e s a c k . ” T h e s i l v e r w a r e

ing, filling each lens inside her thin black

plane.” She looks down at her hands, fiddles

d r a w e r o p e n s a n d t h e n b a n g s s h u t . “ Yo u d o t o o . ”

fr ames.

w i t h h e r r i n g s. T h e n s h e s ay s, “ We l l , l e t m e

Clar ke drops his right ear to his shoulder a little 61

Nutrition Facts Percent Daily Value

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Coming Up: The 48-Hour Film Project Arrives In Richmond interview by Adam Sledd

Over the weekend of July 27th, two dozen teams of Richmond filmmakers will compete to make the best possible film—from script to screen-- in just two days during our city’s first go around with the ever-expanding 48 Hour Film Project. Started in D.C. in 2001 as one filmmaker’s crazy experiment, the 48 Hour Film Project has since grown into an international competition with at least 45 cities around the globe participating this year alone. The Richmond film voted “Best in City” will go on to compete with other winners for cash, prestige, and probably some really nice gift baskets. To get properly pumped up for the competition and screening, I asked the fest’s Richmond producer, Ellie St. John, for some inside information. Adam Sledd How did you get involved in bringing the 48Hour Film Project to Richmond this year? How’s your experience been getting it up and running in a first-time city? Ellie St. John I think I just answered a Craigslist ad, actually! I got involved in the film industry as an actor, but I have a business background. So working as a Producer was sort of a natural fit. I see Richmond as an up-and-coming city for films, so I thought this would be a great event to bring the film community together. Obviously, the first year is going to be the toughest: getting locations, sponsors, etc. But the 48HFP is HUGE in D.C., so many people were already familiar with it. Most people I pitch the Project to are very enthusiastic, so that has made my job a lot easier. AS How many teams signed up so far? How many people are on a team? 64 CLICK ON THE IMAG E

ESJ When they told me that my goal for the first year would be 24 teams I thought that was way too ambitious. I was completely wrong-- the response has been overwhelming. I had 24 teams sign up in the first 2 weeks of registration. I now have several on a waiting list. The participants can have

as many on their team as they like. Other 48HFP cities have had one-man teams (the filmmaker sets up the camera, then runs around in front to act). AS So when do we actually get to watch the films that get made? ESJ Thanks for asking! The Byrd Theatre, shows at 1pm and 3:30pm on Saturday, August 4th. AS Where do the winning Richmond films go next, and do any of these 48-hour films screen at other festivals? ESJ The film that wins “Best in City” will move on to compete at the annual Filmapalooza with all the other “Best in City” films from around the world. Alexander Payne (director of Sideways) was the keynote speaker at the 2006 awards. Do you consider Cannes a “regular” festival? A selection of the “Best of 2006” films were screened at the Cannes Film Festival Short Film Corner. So the potential is there for high exposure. AS Yeah, I remember seeing the flyers for that. Are you interested in helping me create a 47-Hour Film Project? I bet we could totally blow those 48-Hour guys out of the water.

ESJ I was thinking more along the lines of a 48-Minute Film Project where you had to do it all in under an hour... or maybe a 48-Year Film Project, and make sweeping epic films. For more information on the 48-Hour Film Project and its Richmond debut, go to www.48hourfilm.com.

music from a studio set up in Daron’s bedroom closet.

“We Hate Jingles” : Why The Guys Behind Black Iris May Have The Best Music Jobs In Richmond by Adam Sledd images by Grant Pullman The story of Black Iris is similar to that of many other creative companies—a group of artist/musician/filmmaker friends tire of their hand to mouth existence and plot a way to make a decent living doing the creative work they love. For longtime musicians Daron Hollowell, Dave Jackson, and Justin Bailey, the moment of inspiration came in mid-2004. Having made contacts in the world of film production, the trio decided to take a stab at creating a music house to produce music specifically for commercials. Although their first few job bids fell through, by December the guys landed a thirty-second spot for Gatorade. They produced the

The gig paid well enough for the company— now dubbed Black Iris—to take over a recording studio in the Scott’s Addition neighborhood, as well as bring on former Denali and Sleepy Time Trio drummer Jonathan Fuller (he was the guitarist in Engine Down.) After a first year of proving themselves over multiple jobs, Black Iris managed to forge working connections with commercial producers at a handful of national agencies. Eventually, the guys realized that they had become entrepreneurs as well as musicians. As Jonathan puts it, “At some point we said, okay, this is really happening and we can pay ourselves regularly, so let’s figure out a business model and set some goals.”

and Glos) Matthew “Cornbread” Compton and Asa Taccone, who also wrote the music for the infamous Saturday Night Live “Dick In A Box” song. The company focuses almost entirely on national ads (such as Macy’s, Gatorade, Rembrandt, and Hummer), but their local work has also won them in-state awards. And best of all, the guys are making their living as musicians with enough downtime to help friends or work on their own side projects. Says Jonathan, “It’s awesome getting paid to do this but have the perspective we have, still being in our bands. You don’t feel like you’re a complete sell out because you still get to have your passion, which is going on tour with your band.”

Two and a half years after that initial job, the guys at Black Iris have clearly found a business model that works. Daron moved to New York to help the company land gigs with major agen-

After spending some time at the studio, I’d wager that Justin, Dave, and Jonathan likely have the best music jobs in Richmond. Other than general

cies. Black Iris now has a Los Angeles branch, led by former Richmonder (and drummer of Engine Down, Biology, and currently Heavens,

business details, their workday routine consists of writing and recording music in their private studio. Some months 65

are ridiculously busy and some are slow, as the company is largely dependent on the work rhythms of the larger advertising world. In Justin’s view the schedule works out just fine: “We get to take advantage [of the lulls] and have some fun-- try out some projects in the studio, record our own bands or our friends.” The schedule means that, day-to-day business duties aside, the guys’ creative juices flow constantly. One effect is that while their advertising work covers a wide range of genres, the members of Black Iris have found ways to synthesize their personal and paying work. “We finally figured out what we do best,” says Justin. “We mostly come from an indie rock and even hardcore background, so we like to do things that have that aesthetic to it and still work with the spot. The direction we’re trying to go in is the band that you feel like you’ve heard before but doesn’t really exist.” Adds Jonathan, “The idea is that someone will see a spot and want to find out who that band is. Sometimes we get to do that with real songs with lyrics that are only thirty seconds long.” Their demo 66

reel backs them up on those sentiments, especially on a couple ads for Snagajob.com and Macy’s. In fact, the more I watch and listen to their work, the more it becomes clear that the music produced at Black Iris is a far cry from what I imagined commercial music production sounded like. “Write this down,” says Justin. “We hate jingles.” That drive to create distinct or off the wall sounds for each job bid has helped Black Iris thrive in a national market that accommodates less than a dozen companies of comparable strength. When asked if he thinks Black Iris has established a particular reputation, Jonathan replies no, but then adds, “Well, we get brought into the mix if the client wants something really indie or cool sounding.” Part of creating that sound entails tapping into connections to the larger music scene, which also fulfills the company’s goal of helping out their colleagues. For Justin that means, “…whenever we find other good musicians we say hey, we’ll kick you work if you want to do it.” Those kinds of additions are what kick-started their Los Angeles branch and follow Black Iris’s tenet of growing the company organically rather than by the sort off the rack expansion plan that could cost them their identity. That’s important at a company where everyone takes the same salary regardless of their official title. Says Justin, “One of our philosophies is that there isn’t a hierarchy with a couple people on top and everyone else on the bottom, the same as like we wouldn’t want to get too big. We like being that small company from Richmond. It’s never going to be like one of those large agencies where newer people don’t know everyone’s name.” With that said, the guys at Black Iris have no intention of slowing down. The company is entertaining a handful of new ideas including an expanded Los Angeles studio, a small London branch, and a record label to promote even more of their peers. Side projects continue to be plentiful, whether it’s Jonathan sound engineering for North Carolina’s Des Ark (playing at Nara Sushi August 7th) or Justin and Asa working on a Motown-inspired album while 3,000 miles apart.

As I wind up the interview and Grant snaps a few more pictures of the trio behind their space, the guys reiterate how much they enjoy their work. Dave mentions bringing his two kids into the studio to sing, a move that Jonathan plans to repeat with his newborn daughter. “Anybody in a band loves to be in a studio, and having one at my disposal is a dream. It’s awesome,” he adds. Hell, I’ve never been in a band in my life and I’m almost jealous. As far as I can tell, right now there’s only one drawback to working with maybe the coolest local company you’ve never heard of—someone stole the basketball hoop from the parking area the week before and the guys have yet to replace it. To learn more about Black Iris go to www.blackiris.tv

H is t o r ic a l ly, R ic hm o nd ha s ha d a n o il a nd w a t e r r e la t io ns hip w it h t he w o r ld o f f a s hio n. I s t a r t e d R VA mannequin (w w w. r v a m a nne q uin. blo g s po t . c o m ) t o d i s p e l t h is p r ov inc ia l p e r c e p t io n o f o u r c it y. T he t it le t o m e r e pr esents the p e o p le w ho I p ho t o g r a p h. R ic hm o nd ’ s c lim a t e p r ov id e s a n int e r e s t ing c ir c um s t a nc e fo r s um m e r. Win t e r a nd Fa ll a r e t he e a s ie s t seasons to dr ess fo r. L aye r ing is na t ur a lly e a s ie r a nd m o r e p r e v a le nt . U nfo r t una t e ly fo r R ic hm o nd e r s, t ho s e s e a s o ns a r e measur ed in w e e k s n o t m o nt hs. Sum m e r, a s if t he he a t w e r e n’ t b a d e no ug h , h a s hum id it y t ha t w ill m a k e ne a r ly a nything uncomfor t a ble . St ill I ’ v e s e e n c r e a t i v it y b o r ne o n t he b a c k s o f t he b o he m ia n s e t t hr o ug h a d e d ic a t io n t o o b s c ur e cur r ent la bels, a m a z ing t hr if t s t o r e f ind s a nd a lt e r e d c lo t hing. N o t hing m a k e s m e m o r e ex c it e d t ha n s e e ing s o m e o ne with some found c lo t hing. W he t he r yo u w e a r f r e s h Am e r ic a n A p p a r e l d ud s, o r o nly c lo t he s yo u’ v e fo und o n a m a z ing t hrifting adven t ur e s, o r a m ix t ur e o f ne w a nd fo u nd c lo t he s my h a t go e s o f f t o a ll yo u p e o p le w ho s ho w ex c e lle nt t aste and self-ex p r e s s io n t hr o ug h y a w ls ’ a t t ir e a nd a c c e s s o r ie s. - N ic k W hit t k o f s k i

70 R VA ONLINE IS INT E R A C T I V E . C L I C K O N I M A G E S , H Y P E R L I N K S , A N D A D V E R T I S E M E N T S T O G E T M O R E .

F i nd ing o ne la dy w it h s t y le is a t r e a t ; f i nd ing t hr e e t o ge t he r is a s ho c k . H e a d w e a r a nd c ut e b a ng s w il l ne v e r go o ut o f s t y le a n d s e nsible b a g s a r e lik e s e ns ible s ho e s. H e e ls a r e g r e a t but if yo u lo o k lik e yo ur a nk le s a r e s c r e a m ing, it d o e s nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t m a t t e r ho w p e r f e c t t hey m a t c h yo ur p ur s e . T he s e la d ie s a r e d r e s s e d w it hin t he c o nf ine s o f c o m fo r t ex p a nd e d by t he i r o w n im a g ina t io n.

T he d e nim o ut f it is w ha t init ia lly d r e w m e t o t he s e t w o. T he ins p ir a t io n he a r k e ns b a c k t o Jo e St r um m e r s â&#x20AC;&#x2122; a t t ir e in â&#x20AC;&#x2DC; 7 6 - t he f a b r ic s a r e d e c id e d ly ut il it a r ia n, t o ug h, he a v y a nd c le a r ly a v a i la ble fo r r o utine w e a r ing s. T his is a unifo r m - a s a l l p unk a e s t he t ic s a r e c o nc e i v e d . I â&#x20AC;&#x2122; m a s uc k e r fo r c o nt r a s t d a r k ha ir, d a r k je a ns a n d f a ir s k in, b r a v o. Je n, w ha t c a n I s ay ? Sum m e r a nd f a ll a r e ne ighb o r s a nd s o a r e t he f lip - f lo p s a n d yo ur d e m ur e c a r d ig a n. T his is a n o t he r ex a m p le o f o f f - s e a s o n laye r ing c o n t r i but ing t o a s e ns e o f c o ns e r v a t i v e r e la x a t io n w it h no ov e r a r c hing d e s i r e t o t it illa t e w it h t o o m u c h s k in . 72

At f ir s t g la nc e , yo u lo o k l ik e yo u p ic k e d o ut a n o ut f i t f r o m t he b o t t o m o f t he ha m p e r, but t ho s e s ho e s a r e jus t t o o p e r f e c t fo r yo ur b r e e z y unbut t o ne d but t o n- up. I c a nno t s t r e s s t he s im p le e l e g a nc e o f s u b t le m a t c hing. G r e a t m ut e d v int a ge c o lo r s ov e r e a r t hy ne ut r a ls a r e a w e lc o m e k ic k t o t he eye s.

C a s ey a nd M a r s hé ha v e e no ug h go ing fo r t he m w it h a s ho p f u ll o f w ic k e d t hr e a d s, but t hey ’ v e b o t h e m b o d ie d t he s a m e p r inc ip le I d is c us s e d w it h N a t ha n o n t he p r e v io us p a ge . C o nt r a s t go e s a lo ng w ay. D a r k s k in a nd b r ig ht c o l o r s - e s p e c ia lly c le a n line n w hit e s a r e ir r e s is t ible . T he d um p s t e rd i v ing b o o t s s he r o c k s a r e s t unning. Yo u c a n’ t d e g r a d e t he im p o r t a nc e o f k e e p ing yo ur eye s o p e n w he n f a s hio n is a ho b by - o r in t he i r c a s e , t he i r lif e blo o d .

G l o w in t he d a r k s ho e s. N o w t ho s e a r e s o m e s w e e t k ic k s. K R S- O ne w o uld b e p r o ud , o r c o nf us e d , but e it he r w ay yo ur b a by f a c e is b e li e d by yo u r c ir c a - 1 9 8 0 H a r le m ge a r. T he s q ua r e d - o f f g la s s e s a n d t h e je r s ey laye ring d o e s i t . I t ’ s a s ha m e yo u w e r e n’ t c a r r y ing a r o und a la r ge c a r d b o a r d f la t t o b r e a k - d a nc e o n.

Noah looks like a nighttime skate f air y that comes to visit you w hen you skin your knee. He looks into your eyes, f lips his bangs bac k and say s e ver ythingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to be okay. You belie ve him because no one that looks this ef for tlessly cool could possibly be wr ong.

Te s ni looks like the t y p e of gir l that would t a k e you to her quir k y a p a r tment and make yo u the most perfect c up of tea youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; ve e v e r tasted befor e d is cussing wor ld e v e nts in a laid-bac k humble tone. T he w ic ker basket on the c r uising bike matc hed w it h the canv as shoes a n d beaded nec klace a r e invitations to her e a s y smile and low m a i ntenance hair. T his outfit is made for f r o nt por c hes, c hea p b e e r and laughs. Sigh.

A dar k palette for ming a c lean silhouette detailed with bright accessories (c hec k out the br acelet) gi ve you the title of “punk with a sense of humor”. It doesn’ t hur t to be car r ying a r ea lly cute do g. It doesn’ t hur t at all. Also note the r olledup jeans. T her e’s a w ay to do this right. Study it - she did.

N ic ely wor n Nudie je a ns. Finding the ex a ct right pair of je a ns for your height, s k in tone, body ar t, w e ight and in this c a s e, f acial hair, is lik e finding a pot of p o t at the end of the r a inbow. Scott just so ha p pens to wor k at o ne of the best denim s t o r es in the wor ld, s o f uc k him.

T his is int e r e s t ing. Ad o p t in g t he a t t ir e o f o ur c o u nt r ie s â&#x20AC;&#x2122; p o l it ic a l e ne m ie s is a t r ie d a n d t r u e t r a d it io n d a t ing f ur t he r b a c k t ha n C a s t r o - ins p ir e d f a t ig ue s a nd Ru s s ia n s ic k le / s t a r s hir t s. T his ne w inc a r n a t io n o f t he a nt i- s t a r s a nd s t r ip e s f a s hio n p r inc ip le m ay p a s s q uic k ly but it k ind a f e e ls go o d tha t o ur ge ne r a t io n ha s o ur v e r y o w n C h e G ue v a r a s hir t .

I ne v e r g a v e Eb ay m uc h c r e d it , but w h e r e e ls e a r e yo u go ing t o f ind a n a c i d w a s he d f a nny p a c k ? To w it , w he r e e ls e bu t R ic hm o nd a r e yo u go ing t o f i nd a d a m e w it h t he Jo hn Tr a v o lt a s t r ut s t r o ng e no ug h t o r o c k o ne w it h w hit e s ung la s s e s a nd r e d f la t s ?

Riddle me this: W ha t ha s hig h- w a is t e d c ut o f f je a ns, a n ex t r e m e ly conser v ati ve nec k line , M r. T ne c k la c e s a nd p e r f e c t s hoe s ? M s. Sa r a Stric kler, ne w s c ho o l s ex b o m b. H o w c a n s o m uc h f a b r ic lo o k li k e so little? You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t s e e it in t his p ho t o g r a p h, but s he h a s t he m o s t perfect thigh tat t o o o f a unic o r n t ha t p r e t t y m uc h m a k e s a ny t hi ng a bove her le gs s up e r f luo us. B ut t he n s he c o m e s a t yo u w it h t ha t o ut f it o n! B e llis s im a !

Jo s hâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; s N a t i v e Am e r ic a n a ur a a nd Julia n C a s a bla nc a s s w a g ger cr eate a m e la nge o f p o s t - s ix t ie s na t ur a lis m w it h a Sund ay a f t e r noon in the Ea s t Vil la ge v ib e t ha t c a nno t p a s s w it ho ut a s e c o nd g la nc e. Lindsay is ble s s e d w it h a f ig ur e o f p ur e s c ulp t ur e . H ip s bla z o ne d w ith an accen t ua t ing b e lt t o m a t c h t he t ig h t s, s he k no w s he r b o dy. T his, my friends, is t he e s s e n c e o f s uc c e s s f ul s t y le . K n o w w ha t w o r k s fo r YOU. Nothing d e t r a c t s t he eye f r o m a n u nfo r t una t e p im p le o r c a n k le s mor e than the e m p ha s is o n yo ur p e r f e c t c he s t o r f la w le s s ne c k .