Raajeev’s Corner

Comedians at War: Round 2

Raajeev’s Comedy Corner by Raajeev Aggerwhil

My wife went to a new doctor, and he asked her if she had any traumatic incidents in the past. She told him she had one about 30 years ago. She married me. She has been dealing with PTSD ever since.

Over the years, we have had our share of arguments. Our arguments start with one question. “Honey, do I look fat in this sari?” “Well, I can’t tell. It is hiding you like a curtain.” She continues, “You can offer some opinion.” I try to plead the 5th but she insists. I tread carefully. “Before I answer that question, can you tell me where the Tylenol is, if there is extra food in the refrigerator and if the sheets in the guest bedroom are clean?” At this point she starts getting irritated. “Can you be serious?” “I’d like to advise you that your call may be monitored for quality satisfaction and customer service.”

It’s ridiculous that my wife always expects me to get roses for her on Valentine’s Day. Roses. They are gone in a few days. How is that a sign of our love? Our love is strong. Our love is going to last forever. I needed something that represented that. That’s why I got her a cactus plant. I said, “Honey. It’s just like you. Sharp and spiky. This plant won’t let me touch it either.”

Every time my wife and I have a fight, I lose weight because I am too lazy to cook. After three days of not having breakfast and only having spinach salad for lunch and dinner, I shed a few pounds. To lose weight, other guys need to jog. I need to keep forgetting to put the toilet seat down.

When some people have a fight with their spouse, they really fall into their vices like drinking or drugs. My vice is pizza. Every time we have a good fight, you can find me at Domino’s. “Give me a large mushroom and jalapeno. I’ll tell you when I had enough cheesy bread. “Sir, that’s your fourth slice of deep dish. Legally, we can’t serve you anymore.” I have to go out. I have to be careful. I can’t order into the house. Last time the pizza arrived before the fight even started.

She likes pineapple and dried tomato. I like mushrooms and olives. So we end up splitting the pizza like India and Pakistan. Israel and Palestine. It’s agreed that the west side of the pizza will be hers. The east side of the pizza will belong to me with a solid wall of anchovies separating our sectors. We still have to determine who claims ownership of the green pepper strip.

Every time my wife and I get on stage to do stand-up, there is a possibility that I may be weight watcher’s next success story. When we first started doing stand-up, I was inclined to try some motherin-law jokes but they didn’t quite work. Because of our sensitive nature and respect for elders, it is hard to come up with good Yo Mama jokes. Yo mama’s so fat, so fat that I am worried that she may have diabetes. Yo mama’s so fat, so fat that I think her BMI index may be too high. Yo mama’s so fat, so fat that I now have to pay for two plane tickets.

When we are on stage, we have to be careful and have to walk the fine line of what is considered a private matter and what we can share openly in public. Comedy is based on truth but for humor to thrive, we have to learn to exaggerate the facts

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