Games and Grief
Foreward My first memories of playing Video Games were when I was very young around the age of 4 or 5, I believe it was a Play Station 1. This memory would stick with me throughout my life. Video games would go on to be a big hobby and tool, as they would help me through some really tough times in my life. This Zine explores my personal relationship with video games and how I used them to cope with the loss of my Father. I finally feel ready to talk about this subject publicly. This zine is intended as a way for me to explore my grief in a creative way.
In loving memory of Dad.
The early years The DS was the first console I received after the death of my dad. This was a really strange time for me. These early years have become a blur in my memory, however, during the hardest days, this little console helped me. It became a portal for me to escape my life and to experience different characters and worlds that I could get lost in.
Over this period, I felt lost, confused, and not enough. I was always told to not blame myself for the death of another person but this was how I felt during this time as I constantly imagined his death and how if I was there I could have prevented it.
At the start of all of this escaping was the only option available to me, I was too young to face the truth of what happened. Games provided the escape I badly needed in my life.
Childhood My childhood was a very strange time for me, I was able to run away from my problems a lot easier back then. My brothers and I received a Play station 2 from a family friend.
I remember spending many hours and days playing games with my brothers and friends, this was the first time I started to feel connected to other people through the form of gaming. I would come to find how powerful of a social tool gaming can be.
Growing Up Time heals all, however, it also brings a new understanding and knowledge this was especially true for me. As I grew up I would begin to understand what happened more and more around the death of my father. Mental health was the prison my dad was stuck in, I was too young to understand and I still don’t think I will ever understand what was going on in his head, no one ever will... But during this time I would recognize his death even if it was hard, I slowly would become comfortable with it.
In 2020, there were 5,224 suicides Registered in England and Wales. People aged 45 to 49 years old had the highest suicide rate of 24.1 males and 7.1 female deaths per 100,000. Males continue to have the highest suicide rate.
The Later Years I found miniature painting as I grew older. This became a great creative and social avenue for me. Through miniature painting, I was able to escape and place myself in the huge setting of Warhammer 40k.
Over this period of time I was starting to understand what happened all those years ago.
My mental state had changed and playing video games wasn’t enough anymore I was finding it more difficult to escape.
I had to have something more interactive and miniature painting was perfect.
The older I got the more I used gaming as a social tool. I found a new enjoyment out of playing games with my friends and I have created some friendships that have lasted to this day. Around this time I started to see the light and felt like I had experianced the worst.
Present Day Grief is a long process, however I feel in my self that I’m coming to the end game. Reflecting on the loss of my father has brought me some comfort and this zine has provided me the outlet to explore that part of my life.
“But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.” — Samwise Gamgee
Afterward If you have found any content in this zine disturbing or you are struggling with mental heath there are people who can and will help.
Help lines and numbers: Befrienders Worldwide: https//www.befriender. org. Breaking The Silence SF: suicideforum.com Calm: 0800 585858. www.thecalmzone.net
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