surviving with
LOVE
Surviving
with Love
index 04 Contacts 05 Introduction 06 Acknowledgements 07 Foreword 08 Assertive 09 Speaking out 10 Bubbles 11 The geneticist’s angle on life 12 I think I’ve been raped 13 Life... 14 My body 16 From my prespective 17 Speaking as... 18 Speaking as a confectioner 20 Our creative tips for staying positive 22 Participants’ feedback
introduction Hello my name is Clare. I started a peer support group in Manchester for female survivors of sexual violence because having group therapy really helped me to understand myself more. Expressing and opening up to a room of survivors and having that immediate mutual understanding is so beneficial. It is great not being judged, not feeling like the odd one out and realising you aren’t alone anymore. I think as survivors we need to get our voices back and feel empowered. Hence I decided to invite Shamshad to the group to run some creative writing workshops. I had heard that writing can be therapeutic, but I didn’t know much about it and I hadn't done any creative writing since school. I personally found the writing workshops very helpful; getting my thoughts and feelings down in a creative way was very healing. Simply writing about how you feel, followed by some editing and you've produced a piece of art. If you would like to join the Manchester female survivors of sexual violence support group contact Clare on: cschilizzi@gmail.com You might also like to look at the website: www.carefromclare.co.uk
The poems we wrote both individually and collectively are presented in this publication. We will get our voices heard. And in the process regain some of that stolen power. I hope you enjoy it. Clare
4 Surviving with Love
Surviving with Love 5
foreword Acknowledgments and thanks to: Shamshad for editing and compiling the collection Ricardo at sagittamedia.co.uk for the photos, design and production of this e-book Clare and Shamshad for photo production assistance Pixabay for photo on page 14 YES Matters Our funders: Forever Manchester funded the general costs of the group. Their support and money encouraged us to apply for further funding hence the e-book. One Manchester supported the e-book project. The Manchester Growth Company for free use of the workshop and meeting space at Churchgate House.
We would like to thank and congratulate the women who took part in the workshops and contributed to this book. They were open to the process; having a go, even when they felt unsure. It was wonderful to see them grow in creativity and confidence. They responded to the exercises; writing poems inspired by music, objects, poetry and discussions about their favourite women role models. The poems and writing in this collection reflects the different responses the women have to life and their journeys of recovery... In all of this we kept a focus on love and care for ourselves. There are solo poems that give an idea of individual life experiences and varied life skills (some of which are anonymous as requested by the contributors). There are also a couple of group poems that include words from all the women. They share with us honest words of pain, anger, playfulness and a bold resilience. During the sessions we also shared creative tips to stay positive and these are included for you to try out. We hope that you and they are inspired by this collection of creative and powerful words. Words that encourage us to survive and thrive with love. Shamshad (creative writing workshop facilitator) Shamshad Khan is a poet and coach in creative writing, resilience and inspired living. She has worked with individuals, theatres and community groups. She uses writing as a tool to empower individuals and develop communities.
6 Surviving with Love
You can contact her on: Shamshadkhan27@gmail.com
Surviving with Love 7
speaking out Who do I want to speak as Who do I want to be Will I ever be my self Whoever that may be Life has been really challenging for a long time now I was hoping for a break For my dreams to be handed to me on a plate Ms Clare your order is ready Here is your retreat and tiny house Oh yes And your side order of life free of mental illness But hey Life’s a bitch
assertive I am small and round Used to hide secrets both objects and whispers found You won’t hear a sound. My woven rows making one another secure Locking your treasures; that I can assure. Have faith in me I am deep within; a place you cannot see. Here I'll be To help you voice a self-assured and confident, No! Clare
8 Surviving with Love
Baa baa black sheep Everything is tainted I’m a survivor of sexual violence I’m fed up I need and want to make a plan for life What career to make I’m scared though I suffer from anxiety and depression They hold me back I’m screaming It’s as though I’m trapped in a small woven basket But we are speaking out Group poem Surviving with Love 9
bubbles When I grow up, I want to be...... Someone who’s likeable and caring and free When I grow up, I want to be..... Not like you, you’re an evil monster, you twat When I grow up, I want to be Able to live and forget what you did How do you live and pretend and lie Do you think I used to think about curling up to die. Pretty bubbles in the air Floating free, pretty and light So many colours what a lovely sight Pretty bubbles in the air Go on, pop one if you dare. Twinkle, twinkle stupid little star Yes, I know who you are Baa baa black sheep Everything is tainted Humpty dumpty sat on a wall Why did he have to break his head, why can’t you? Bright skies Constant lies Deceptive Cheating Why why why? Winning You always win You get the trophy Happy now? You’re the best That’s what they think WANKER IDIOT
10 Surviving with Love
the geneticist’s angle on life Speaking as a genetics student I put up with drunken midnight conversations about cryogenics at the train station Speaking as a genetics student My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I would choose an IVF documentary over the football Speaking as a genetics student A bad day at the office is trying to recapture the mutant fruit flies I let escape Speaking as a genetics student I still pretend to laugh when people ask me if I’m going to clone a master-race Speaking as a genetics student I still have no idea who stole my DNA sample from the lab or what they’ve done with it Speaking as a genetics student I still feel really clever every time I put my lab coat on
Surviving with Love 11
i think i’ve been raped She tells me on the phone and the doubt in her statement convinces me she’s telling the truth. But she’s confused because she fancied him thought he was fit on the photos she saw on the internet dating link. Still she’s not sure it can be abuse because she was excited, dressed up for it they’d both had a drink. Why didn’t she think? Members of the jury ....... “She thinks she was raped” because Despite her defiance and insistence. Pushing and persistence... Please. Please, please don’t.... He did not. Stop. You will note. There is photographic evidence of resistance. So distressed was she that after the event she scrubbed her body raw to wash away the guilt and fury. It was... Inadvertently, your honour that she rinsed away the sticky DNA. But the jury won’t get to hear her story it’s not worth pursuing the police persuade her. It would be construed that she was partly to blame. It’s a shame but they need hard facts .... to convict him. His word against hers she knows the game By this stage she needs no convincing. She closes the case, ties it up in pink lace. She states her verdict. “I was raped”.
12 Surviving with Love
Shamshad Khan
Life... Life...
e party, light th f o fe li r, te h Laug piring I n teresting, ins t feel good, fligh , m o d e e fr , n u F g. Energ y, excitin
Heal...
Rape...
Hopeful Encoura ge Accepta ment nce and Love.
Raw Anger d nic and petrifie a p , s s e rl e w o P Exploited. Life...
, lied to, lost d le e b la , g n lo , Lonely I njustice Frustrated ugh. Enslaved, eno
Courage
...
Confide nt 0pen Unders tan Resilien ding t Assertiv e Ground ed, g row ing Empow ered.
Clare
Surviving with Love 13
my body My body, is amazing, it has been growing and changing with me since egg met sperm. Listen to its courageous story, be a book worm. My body, has been violated men and boys thinking it is their property to touch and take. My body, has huge strength, It has taken years of self-inflicted punishment and it did not break. My body, is not a photo-shopped, played with image, it has its own unique curves and indents, defined by both pleasant and unpleasant events. My body, is healthy from fingers to toes dancing freely across stages and running races to raise money for rape victims of all ages. My body, is permanently marked, with both invisible scars the prying eye won't see, and inked in illustrations that are important to me. My body, My body is not yet ready to be touched in a sexual way. However when I find the right woman, I'll invite her to play. But until then I can confidently say My Body is Mine and this is how it will stay.
Clare
14 Surviving with Love
Surviving with Love 15
speaking as... Speaking as a survivor People don’t know what to say. Speaking as a survivor Speaking as you’re suffering.
from my perspective The window is what I remember most, Bare and empty, same as me. No curtains to protect it, open for all to see. Darkness on both sides. The window was a barrier, The outside so close, yet unreachable. Birds flew, people walked, but I lay unrecognisable. Inside, not allowed out. The window was the only place to look, Averting my eyes to anywhere but his. Watching my freedom leave into the night abyss. Knowing I would never be the same.
16 Surviving with Love
Panic attacks Sick of having no control over it. Having my life taken away. Speaking as a survivor Will we make it through the day? Speaking as a survivor You don’t know what I’ve been through society prefers to keep it that way. Speaking as a survivor I’m angry I’ve been ignored let down by the police and the courts. Speaking as a survivor Not being believed, belittled and betrayed. Think we’re living as a victim We’re not. Speaking as a survivor You have to be strong. Group poem Surviving with Love 17
speaking as a confectioner I like to spread out life Making things go slowly Feels really, really nice
The clock can seem to stop Gulping, running, rushing round, Can make you want to pop.
Blending, churning, adding spice But at a gentle pace, I like to hear the birds go by And take a squirrel’s advice.
Huffing, puffing, sweating hot, Don't fan those flames to score Sit right down and settle in The confectioner knows more
Mix those nuts real slowly Or you'll miss the keys to life Add your sweetener spoon by spoon And hey presto! It's al-right
Stop trying to achieve the end Just have the goal in sight
Speaking as a confectioner
Speaking as a confectioner The slow way is al-right
It's fine to be a snail Chocolate lingers in the mouth
18 Surviving with Love
Surviving with Love 19
e v i t i pos
g n i y a t s r o f s p i g t n i n r o e m v e i h t t n i a n i e a r r t e c h t f r f o t e g ou I s a n o o s s a t r a t s o t c i s u r e I set my m w o h s e h t n nd dance i a c i s u m o t n e t I lis r o f l u f e t a r g m a I s g n i h t 0 1 f o f l e s y I remind m w lo el fe I ys da on ck ti ps li t h ig br I put on
I pull off petals from roses and tell myself “ I love you”, “I love you”, “I love you” I put on a scented cand le when I get into bed and read a book I take myself out for a trea t or a little tr ip once a week , I keep it sho rt, sweet and cheap 20 Surviving with Love
Surviving with Love 21
Feedback from the participants: “Didn’t feel alone, hearing everyone else’s feelings” “Communication, I’ve never done it before, often feel like a child trapped in an adult’s body.” “Chance to explore about myself... allowed to be slow.” “By the end I felt more confident sharing my work. I’m inspired that I managed to write a poem, I never thought I was any good at it.” “...it’s opened up a whole new world of poetry for me :)” “It’s something we’ve done together. It’s real.” “...being creative was a lovely release and gave me my voice.”
22 Surviving with Love