Covid-19 Dating

Better boundaries

Valentina Tudose shares four questions to help you set healthy boundaries in your relationship

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you were losing yourself? Where your own wishes and desires didn’t seem to matter and there was an expectation that everything needed to be shared?

This is a phenomenon that affects women more than men, as we are not educated to set clear boundaries and say no to the things we do not want.

Boundaries are closely connected to our standards, which are those things we are not willing to tolerate in relationships. They are the bottom line. The minimum acceptable for life to feel balanced and fun.

The more you set healthy boundaries with others and with yourself, the higher your selfesteem will be.

Here are the four key things you need to know about yourself when learning to set healthy boundaries: When starting a new relationship we often unconsciously assume a certain role and we become stuck in the expectations that come with that position. Sometimes it’s a role we enjoy and we consciously choose to fulfil. Other times it’s a mask we wear, which after a while becomes uncomfortable. Getting clarity around your sense of identity with a particular person or group is critical to you being able to establish your boundaries.

What do I really want for myself at this point?

When life feels hard, it’s often because we are not fully aligned with what we are meant to be doing. Understanding what is missing and taking steps towards making it happen is a great way to start the process of determining your minimum standards and expanding your life vision.

What are some of my core beliefs in relationships?

No one really teaches us how to be in relationships, so often we allow our unconscious beliefs to be formed by negative experiences. For example, if we grew up in a house with parents who argued a lot and eventually divorced, we may have an unconscious belief all relationships ultimately fail and sabotage our own relationships to make sure we don’t get hurt.

Writing down a list of positive and negative beliefs about marriage and relationships is a great exercise to determine whether your standards are based on realistic expectations and where you may need some adjustments.

What are my minimum acceptable standards for a successful relationship?

All relationships require some fundamental aspects to be present in order to create harmony, love and growth. Among these requirements are trust, honesty, acceptance and communication but you may have some more. Spend some time reflecting on your past relationships and determine what really made you move on and what was missing, as this is a great starting point for those things you will never be able to tolerate moving forward.

Once you have the answers to these four questions, focus on determining how you will start enforcing these new rules in your life and watch everything change for the better.

Valentina Tudose is a relationship coach and founder of Happy Ever After. For more information visit happyeverafter.asia