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*Cuss words

for the classy Nury Vittachi can be contacted at nury@vittachi. com or through his Facebook page

Award-winning author Nury Vittachi on cussing around the world

Darn! Shoot! Dag nabit! Humanity is running out of swear words. This is worrying. Scientists say curse terms are important because they evolved to alleviate physical and emotional pain.

But the words lose their power now we live in a world where kindergartners greet each other with: “Good [bleeping] morning, you [bleeping] stupid [bleep].”

Cantonese has some pretty nasty swear phrases, but they have been so overused that even foreigners yawn at them now.

The other day I had to quote a bad word in a newspaper so I used the symbols @#$%^&. These are helpful because readers can insert the right type of bad word according to their personal standards. My mild, religious family members read them as “bothersome” and clap their hands over their shocked mouths. My work friends are at the other extreme, and I had one editor who clearly dropped out of the womb with a bump and the yell of some vile utterance.

This is an issue for families. (Have you noticed that a significant percentage of parenting time is spent screaming at your children to stop screaming?)

Researchers say that even very young children are now learning curse words, because parents break their own anti-cursing rules. “You’re three years old! Stop [bleeping] swearing!”

But you know what? Some people should NEVER use bad words because it just sounds wrong in their mouths. Take weather forecasters for example. “A @#$%-load of rain fell this morning, and the humidity level will rise to a

#%^& of a lot by noon.” Just doesn’t work.

Of course, there are ways for societies to refresh their supply. For some reason known only to The Universe, the English names of birds make really satisfying curses, especially if you are shouting them at someone: Lazy Cisticola, Tufted Titmouse, Brown Trembler, Paltry Tyrannulet, Yellow Bellied Sapsucker, Rough Faced Shag, Blue Faced Booby, Spangled Drongo, Dickcissel, Agile Tit-Tyrant, etc.

Another suggestion is to use other languages. In the US TV show Firefly, actors used real swear words, but only in Mandarin and Cantonese. (They didn’t notice that there are a lot of people who speak Chinese on this planet.)

Still, non-English speakers have some cool curses. In Hindi, people insult each other by saying: “You are the hair growing on my flank area.” In Mandarin Chinese, people say, “You son of a rabbit.” (Sometimes you hear parents curse lazy children with this phrase.)

You can use European tongues for this purpose too. I had an Italian friend who used to say “Maladicta” when I trod on his toes. It sounded very “sweary” but just means “bad word”.

Some years ago, I had to train a foul-mouthed newspaper reporter for a job on live radio. We wrote a list of words that sounded like curse words but were safe for broadcasting use and taped them to her microphone. The top three most satisfying ones were Pool, Cow and Follicle. The next time something bad happens, try shouting “POOL” at the top of your voice. It works just as well as a naughty word. If you want to be really classy, I recommend making all dramatic announcements in Latin. Here are some useful phrases to get you started. At the bar: “Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!” (“Dear God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!”) On the street: “Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!” (“Stand aside plebeians! I am on imperial business.”)

This works well when you want to get to work but the pavements are filled with slow-moving shoppers.

And if you want to insult someone, skip the expletives. The most horrible curse in Latin is probably this one: “Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.” (“May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.”) Ooh, now that’s nasty, right?

One place where you can easily express things in an impactful way without using bad words is the Internet.

Or as I sometimes write to my children: “Do not make me use CAPITAL LETTERS.”

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