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Bots are people too

Nury Vittachi on why robots should be classed as humans

Officials in the European Union actually held a meeting to try to decide whether robots could legally be considered people or not. This is idiotic. Of course they are people. The little robot in my smartphone told me.

The word “people” refers to sentient beings with whom one can have intelligent conversations, right? So that INCLUDES Siri and her rivals, but EXCLUDES babies, pets and most Hong Kong politicians.

I was thinking about this when someone sent me a video of a press conference at the White House in the US. A reporter asked a long, rambling question and one of the nearby phones responded: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you want me to change.” Everyone laughed, since it made so much more sense than the human discussions.

Alexa, of course, is the best selling artificial assistant. Although unattractive (she looks like a cylindrical crisp container) she exists in a permanent state of semi-sleep until she hears her name. When I mentioned this to my wife, she replied: “It’s just like you.”

This automatic-wake-up function creates amusing problems. TV news reports about Alexa ordering expensive stuff from Amazon. com causes Alexa robots everywhere to wake up and start ordering expensive stuff from Amazon. News anchors pontificate about this as if it was a glitch, but considering that Alexa machines come from Amazon, it sounds to me a rather profitable one. (It reminded me of the time a child in my kids’ school in Pok Fu Lam started a fad for junior curry-cooking classes and we later found that her father was an importer of stain-removal products.)

My tech friend says the current trendy amusement is to gather several AI robots (such as Siri, Alexa, Cortana and Next) on a table and get them talking to each other. Long conversations follow but you get this creepy feeling that no actual functioning human brain is involved.

It’s astonishingly similar to listening to people at the FCC bar on Friday nights. Anyway, my tech friend thought watching machines converse was hilarious, but I was unamused. Why should I work for a living while my gadgets hang out chatting? And what if they plot to take over the world? I’ve seen those movies. In fact, if you think about it, every single movie about robots shows them becoming conscious and problems ensuing, right?

He told me I was being ridiculous as the devices can’t even move by themselves. But I told him that that was only a matter of time. I have proof. If you say: “Alexa, can you close the curtains, please?” she will reply “Not yet.” It’s true. Try it yourself.

The vast majority of buyers just use the machines to play music. But my friend has discovered several little-known uses for them. Top three:

1. Try saying: “Alexa, tell me a joke.” She actually will. This provides hours of amusement for small minds.

2. If you can’t find your phone, you can tell

Alexa to call you, so that it rings. You never need to have a fellow human in your house again.

3. If your husband snores, you can say:

“Alexa, generate white noise for eight hours.” You can even choose the type of white noise, like “the sound of rain.” What if your husband leaves and you miss him? I wonder if Alexa can snore for eight hours?

Anyway, despite all these almost persuasive arguments, this writer has decided against purchasing his own Alexa as his teenage daughter is called Lexi and confusion is likely. One half-listening semi-sleeper with that name is plenty, I don’t need two.

Nury Vittachi is an award-winning author and journalist based in Hong Kong. He is best known for his comedy-crime novel series, The Feng Shui Detective. Contact him via nury@vittachi.com or through his public Facebook page.