Covid-19 Dating

Is the lockdown a blessing in disguise for your marriage?

Relationship coach Valentina Tudose on keeping the spark alive during a pandemic

A few months ago, there was much chatter about the end of this year seeing both a baby boom and/or a flood of divorces as a consequence of Covid-19. There was even a rush to stock up on condoms back in March, which meant people were trying to prevent one or both of those possible outcomes. Pre-travel ban and work from home, many relationships were surviving because the partners had managed to avoid each other. Our lives were so full of work-related travel, social distractions and never-ending to do lists, that most people simply forgot how to ‘be’ with each other. Suddenly they didn’t have a choice. Husbands who’ve not spent 2 weekdays with the family in years, had nowhere to go and were forced to face their parenting duties. Mothers who felt guilty about not being there due to work pressure were thrust into the primary educator role and had to deal with an everpresent husband (shock to the system, I know.)

Working with many couples to ‘fix their problems”, I’ve boiled it down to three messages that have made the biggest difference:

Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder

Whether we are talking about physical distance due to not being in the same place at the same

time or emotional distance that comes from years of rejection and neglect, a relationship is like a garden. If you want your flowers to grow, you need to water them, prune them and ensure weeds don’t steal their sunlight. For love to pass the test of time, we need to tend to our partner every day. We need to show them love and appreciation, resolve conflicts and misunderstandings and deal with the expectations that are inherent to the social construct of marriage.

Love is an endless process of discovery and rediscovery

A lot of people think the reason they lost the spark is because they know their partner too well. That there is nothing to explore. That all conversations have already been played out. The more realistic explanation for the distance and lack of intimacy is that they don’t understand who their partner has become. Because they haven’t even noticed that they themselves have become a different person.

Couples who took advantage of this time to rediscover new shared interests and started doing things together (not just as parents but also as a couple), have seen major improvements to their connection. Going on pretend first dates and exploring new activities together (in which actual conversation happens) are great ways to build a new level of intimacy.

Relationships are mirrors of ourselves

Covid-19 has brought a lot of anxiety and disruption to our lives and many people have been shocked by their partner’s reaction to the crisis. Tempers are flaring and the smallest thing has made a lot of people call for an emergency coaching session. The truth is people come into our lives to help us discover who we really are. When we are triggered by external events, that conflict offers a wonderful opportunity to reveal parts of ourselves we buried deeply and hoped we’d never see again.

For example, if we don’t feel loved and appreciated, it is usually a reflection of the fact that we don’t in fact truly love and appreciate ourselves. People who don’t feel prioritised by their partners are usually the ones who put everyone else first and never do anything for themselves. Just as the qualities that we admire in others are things we love most about ourselves, what triggers our anger and disappointment are reflections of what we don’t actually like about ourselves.

Valentina Tudose is a relationship coach and founder of Happy Ever After. For more information visit happyeverafter.asia