The Parenting Puzzle

It is a scene you are no doubt familiar with, played out in supermarkets around our nations every day—the unpredictable and often loud checkout meltdown of a seemingly irrational small person who is not getting their way. Depending on your point of view, you may avoid eye contact and shake your head. Or perhaps you offer the parent of the child an encouraging smile.

WORDS Kelly Cooper

Whatever your response, most of us would agree that parenting is one of the hardest jobs, if not the hardest job, that God has given us. In a world where polarised opinions on almost every aspect of child-rearing amplify an already demanding task, many families are left wondering, how can we parent with confidence?

If you are a parent or caregiver, you will be aware of the multitude of perspectives regarding the ‘right’ way to parent. Some hot-button topics in parenting conversations include giving birth, feeding your newborn, introducing solid food, sleeping, toilet training, and balancing work and family life. In recent years, there has been a new conversation in parenting, one that asks the question: ‘Are today’s children the worst-behaved generation ever?’ One thing is evident, being a parent in today’s world is no easy task.

Research conducted both in New Zealand and overseas indicates a growing number of parents are experiencing both confusion and anxiety regarding their approach to parenting. Additionally, many feel subjected to judgement regarding their parenting beliefs and choices. In a parenting forum, one mother shared, ‘I feel like I’m walking on eggshells to keep my children quiet when I take them out. I only take them to indoor play spaces, as they’re the one place I can be where I don’t feel judged for letting my children be children.’ Another parent recounted their experience of receiving criticism about their parenting from a stranger and concluded that, ‘Almost all parents feel judged, almost all the time’.

Amadea Barnett, a seasoned flight attendant with years of experience, also experienced criticism from others about her approach to parenting. In her time working for an airline, she observed a decline in the tolerance towards children, her own son being no exception. She recalls being yelled at by a woman on a plane for ‘not controlling your child’. She says, ‘He wasn’t having a tantrum or being naughty, he wanted to talk with people and to engage with his world.’ This experience, along with similar others, made Amadea feel reluctant to fly or take her son out in public places for fear of judgement. ‘I felt like people were always judging me. If he was loud, then I was suddenly a “bad” parent.’

Even Chilli, the mother of Bluey in the popular children’s animated television series Bluey, identifies with the all-too-common parental feeling of ‘Am I doing this right?’ There is no doubt that modern-day parents are navigating diverse opinions on parenting, as well as shifting societal attitudes towards children. These present-day parenting dilemmas prompt us to ponder, how did we reach this point?

Shifts in parenting

Research published by John Hopkins University in 2022 highlighted several changes in social and political atmospheres over the last seven decades. These changes in environment have led to big shifts in our generational values, beliefs and our roles as parents.

Baby Boomer parents were typically goal-oriented and placed importance on hard work and education. They instilled these values in their children. Children were part of the family but not the focus of the family. They were encouraged to be individuals with a degree of autonomy. Discipline techniques ranged from the more traditional approaches of previous generations to intentionally engaging in conversations with their children to seek resolutions.

Generation X (Gen X) parents favoured a considered and informed approach to parenting. Parenting literature increased in popularity and research highlighting the effects of parenting approaches became readily available. Gen X parents fostered resilience and independence within their children, while also being more protective of their children and their social and educational development than previous generations.

Millennial parents are responding to their own upbringing with new attitudes and beliefs about their role as parents. This has meant an emergence of several trends unfamiliar to older parents. They generally have less children than previous generations and begin having children at an older age. Many report the challenges of balancing working and parenting responsibilities, with research published this year by the Children’s Hospital of Chicago reporting that as many as 82 percent of Millennial parents work. Discipline strategies employed by Millennial parents tend to reinforce positive behaviour rather than punish negative behaviour. Technology and social media are all major influences in the lives of Millennial parents and their children.

Our newest group of parents, Generation Z (Gen Z), are charting their own path to parenting. One that borrows from generations before, while also integrating new approaches that fit with their lifestyles. Like their Millennial predecessors, working Gen Z parents are the norm. The responsibility for raising children is shared by grandparents and caregivers. With the increasing flexibility of working from home, many Gen Z parents are available for drop-offs, attending school events and participating in extracurricular activities with their children. Despite the demands of work, these parents typically prioritise spending more quality time with their children than earlier generations.

The world that Millennial and Gen Z parents are encountering as they raise their children is vastly different from the one experienced by Gen X and Baby Boomer parents. These generational changes in parental beliefs and practices have contributed to our current spectrum of opinions on children’s behaviour. Behaviours that may have been perceived as disobedient or unruly in the past might now be interpreted as expressions of curiosity, independence and a natural part of development.

Digital advancements

In addition to shifts in societal expectations, one of the biggest changes in parenting in recent years is the rapid advancement of technology. ‘The digital space is making such a massive difference in our world,’ says educational psychologist Kathryn Berkett. ‘As a society we are not used to kids running around so much anymore and we are certainly less tolerant of children’s noise. Prior to digital devices there was constant noise in public spaces, and you just knew and expected children to be there, whereas now many parents feel pressured to keep their kids quiet. In any café, you will see children on devices, and often their parents too.’ Kathryn believes that a lack of exposure to young people’s voices and their noise is contributing to some becoming increasingly intolerant of children.

‘If you think back to your own childhood,’ says Kathryn, ‘most likely you spent time outside and in your neighbourhood. Today, devices are keeping our kids inside; devices are keeping our kids quiet.’ She adds, ‘Kids are noisy. It’s the job of a kid to be noisy. I would much rather see a kid with a temper tantrum than a kid with a tablet.’ Is it possible that in our current technological culture some of us now hold the unrealistic expectation that our children, when they are seen, should not be heard?

Information overload

Modern-day parents are actively seeking guidance and advice from a range of sources: books and blogs, articles and apps, forums, friends and family members. However, they also report feeling confused by the sheer volume of information and contradictory advice given. A Swedish study published last year reveals that numerous parents who turn to the internet for answers to their parenting queries are not only experiencing information overload but also experience lower feelings of self-efficacy regarding their parenting. It appears the abundance of information is not building parental confidence or simplifying the task of parenting.

In a 2020 study that examined the positive discipline practices of Kiwi parents, Jacqui Southey, research director for Save the Children, found that despite parents reporting ongoing scrutiny around how they discipline their children and receiving criticism about what they should not be doing, many struggled to find information on what they should do. ‘Gaps remain around effectively educating parents about positive parenting strategies,’ says Jacqui. Kathryn Berkett adds, ‘Many of us were taught that reward and consequence are the way to control and coerce children. People are now choosing to parent in a different way that favours an approach based on compromise and negotiation. It’s great that we give our kids intentionality and choice. We are growing children who are so much more intentional in their lives. But with that intentionality, we can lose control. There are instances where kids have too much control and parents have none.’

Kathryn recommends a balanced approach to discipline and expectations, one that considers the unique needs of each child. Any parent of more than one child knows from experience that despite similar parenting techniques, each child responds differently. ‘The best parent,’ Kathryn remarks, ‘is the parent who is able to recognise who their kid is. We can parent our children completely differently because they are all different. Our children can be natural born ‘storytellers’ or natural born truth-tellers, extroverts or introverts, people pleasers, or not care about people pleasing at all. These things make our children who they are as individuals. We can mould our children’s values and generalised outcomes, but we cannot mould their personalities.’

Run your own race

In a parent survey, researchers concluded that despite variations in parenting beliefs across the United States, when it came to aspirations and parenting challenges there is more that unites than divides parents. Parents of various ethnicities, backgrounds and circumstances held similar beliefs about the joys and challenges that parenting brings, and commonly held a desire to improve their parenting skills.

How can we, as followers of Christ, parent with confidence when we are unsure about how to ‘train a child in the way [they] should go’? (Proverbs 22:6). We can trust the best example of parenting we have, our Father Abba God: a parent whose love is unconditional, a parent who gently corrects, a parent who patiently guides, and a parent who knows us intimately as the unique individuals he created.

As parents we can continue to learn and grow with our children. We can determine which influences to amplify and those we dilute. And perhaps we can find encouragement from parenting approaches of others, like Bluey’s mum, Chilli, who, after thoughtful reflection and consideration, decided to ‘run her own race’ when raising her children.