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Digging in Rebecca Goldsmith writes about going deeper in her spiritual life as a mother
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F asked whether becoming a parent has enhanced my spiritual life, my first instinct would probably be to say no. Framing my spiritual life in terms of my Sunday morning worship time, it has changed from a 90-minute period of uninterrupted focus on worship and the word, to an exercise in managing two small people in a confined space. I must clarify this by saying that my corps, Romford, has always been an incredibly welcoming place to my children – and the noise and disturbance that can come with them. My corps has always felt like family to me, and family get-togethers are rarely quiet or without some minor crisis of a toy to share or a drawing gone wrong. However, this doesn’t change the fact that entering a real atmosphere of worship has been a challenge since I had my girls. How do I devote myself to sung worship while also keeping my eye out for a toddler on the run? How do I fully immerse myself in prayer time while feeling the need to tell my daughter to whisper and quickly grabbing the noisy toy that snuck into the bag of tricks? Having had the privilege of being supported by mothers of children both young and old, I realise that this is pretty much a universal experience of parenting and church. Motherhood – parenthood – changes you. It changes your priorities and focus, but it also changes your life practically and logistically. Sometimes the practical changes cause the most angst. Despite feeling that it really should be a free and added benefit of being a mother, I am no more able now to be in two places at once than I was before. This can affect more than just worship in a Sunday meeting. Cell group study and devotional time either just don’t happen or happen around childcare practicalities. The other weekly aspects of corps life that once added dimension to my spiritual experience are all now framed around the very practical and necessary
Rebecca with Pippa and Penny question of who’s watching the kids. For me, it has been a challenge. But someone wise recently said to me that as a Christian all life is a spiritual life. So what about my life outside Sunday morning hours or weekly evening commitments? I can say this: I am more awed by, and certain of, God’s love for me now than I have ever been. I love my children. How I love them is with a depth of love I had not experienced before becoming a parent. That is not to say I did not previously love my family or my husband, Chris, deeply, or that deep love is not available to those who are not parents, but I understand now what it means to love someone unconditionally in a way that I didn’t before. That doesn’t mean I always like them unconditionally. Or that I am a ‘zen’ parent who somehow manages to get through all my days without ever losing my temper or feeling the need to close myself in the bathroom for five minutes’ peace. But my aim as their mum to is let my
girls know that they are loved. If this is how much I, in my fallen human state, can love my girls, then how much more does God love me? How much more real is it to believe that my Father God loves me unconditionally? How enhanced is my faith by knowing the love of Father God as a mother myself? I recognise now that in these ‘young family’ years there is an element of digging in, spiritually speaking. My easy access to worship is not so easy right now and I have to be more dedicated and inventive when it comes to carving out time for my devotions. However, God has opened an understanding of his love to me – how wide, how deep, how high it really goes. It is a love that sustains me now, will sustain me through these ‘digging in’ years and, I believe, will sustain me always.
REBECCA IS BOOK EDITOR, THQ Salvationist 26 March 2022
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