Holding on to a piece of bread

by Commissioner Keith Banks

HOLY WEEK REFLECTION

THE apostle John devotes five chapters (13–17) to what happened in the upper room just hours before Jesus was crucified. According to tradition, this room was a familiar and much-loved place for Jesus and his friends. Some think they made it their base whenever they were in Jerusalem. What we are sure of is that this room was the scene of the last supper that Jesus shared with his disciples.

It was here that Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, predicted that he would be betrayed, predicted that Peter would deny him and promised the Holy Spirit to them. It was in this room that Jesus told his closest friends that the world would hate them. That must have been hard to take. But it was also where he gave them words of comfort and reassurance, and where he prayed for himself, for them and for all who would come after them.

It is also likely that this is the same room where Jesus appeared to his followers after his resurrection and where the promise of the Holy Spirit was later fulfilled, coming to them like fire and wind. That room would have been a special place for Jesus and the disciples. If those walls could only speak!

Reading through these chapters in John’s Gospel again I noticed something I had missed before. It’s to do with Judas and the bread that Jesus shared with his disciples. The Message paraphrase puts it this way: ‘As soon as the bread was in [Judas’s] hand, Satan entered him’ (13:27). And, several verses later: ‘Judas, with the piece of bread, left’ (13:30).

I try to imagine the atmosphere in the room that night. Jesus had done something for his disciples that they hadn’t seemed able to do for each other – wash the dirt and donkey dung off their feet. This was essential hygiene before a meal and was usually done by a servant. Peter found the whole idea of Jesus doing this for him outrageous, and he said so: ‘You’re not going to wash my feet – ever!’ (13:8 MSG). Jesus then began to speak in great depth with his disciples after which John informs us that Jesus was ‘visibly upset’ (13:21 MSG).

Then Jesus took a piece of bread, dipped it in oil and passed it to Judas. Something happened to Judas the very moment he took the bread from Jesus’ hand: Satan entered him. What were intensely emotional and deeply spiritual moments for everyone else in the room became, for Judas, a catalyst for catastrophe. Jesus revealed that he knew Judas intended to betray him.

Judas, it seems, immediately became irritated and anxious – and he walked out. But John gives us a seemingly insignificant detail about that moment. When he stormed out of the room, he took the piece of bread with him: ‘Judas, with the piece of bread, left’ (13:30 MSG). I wonder why Judas took the bread with him. I would have expected him to screw it up in his hand to hide it, throw it on the floor in anger, hurl it against the wall or even throw it at one of the disciples. But he took it with him.

Deep in his heart Judas must have realised the gravity of the situation. He had spent three years with Jesus and had forged close bonds of love and friendship with him and the other 11 disciples. He had heard Jesus set out clearly enough who he was and what he had come to do. And he knew only too well what was about to happen to Jesus – knew what the dark side of his heart had devised. There must have been a war in his soul when Satan entered him.

So why did he take the piece of bread with him? Could it be that, in spite of leaving the table with evil in his heart, in spite of just having had his feet washed by Jesus, and even though he had shared in a deeply religious celebration meal, he needed to hold on to something that kept him in touch with Jesus? Did he feel a deep need to keep, for a few hours at least, a tenuous link with three years of unforgettable experiences, and more particularly with the moving and emotionally charged moments of which he had just been a part?

It is always a sad moment when someone who has been close to Jesus, who has walked daily with him and experienced his life-changing power, decides to leave the table. I have met people like that in the course of my ministry. But I can’t recall meeting anyone who left the table without their piece of bread.

People who walk away from the Lord, who lose their faith and trash their trust, always seem to carry that piece of bread with them. It might be the memory of their first step of faith, the recollection of a fellow believer who greatly influenced them, the thought of the love found in a supportive fellowship, the fulfilment in playing in an Army band, singing with the songsters or joining in a challenging congregational song.

It’s a fairly safe assumption that some people reading these words will be in that position. There will be former Christians, some of whom served the Lord in the Army, who still hold on to their piece of bread. It may be a bit old and stale now, but they haven’t let it go. It is a link with fulfilling times of faith; it stirs memories and it awakens a longing in the heart for what once was a vital and meaningful relationship with the Lord.

If that is you, a personal word from me: Unlike Judas, you can come back to the table. The Lord is there waiting for you, and he has fresh bread to share. In fact he who is the Bread of Life wants to share himself with you again. It takes courage to retrace one’s steps but the Lord waits for you. There is no condemnation on his lips, no harsh word of censure. He simply wants to welcome you back.

COMMISSIONER BANKS LIVES IN RETIREMENT IN INVERKIP