Your Child’s Brain on Hugs The power of unconditional love

Parents know from instinct and experience that love gives kids confidence and security and creates unbreakable bonds. It’s love that gets parents through sleepless nights with a newborn, exhausting days with a toddler and frustrating moments with a teenager. But unconditional love is much more than the fuel parents need to make it through the tough parts of raising kids. Unconditional Love What it’s not: Unconditional love is not about permissiveness or catering to a child’s every whim. It is not about how parents feel toward a child at any given moment.

Unconditional love is about how children feel loved by parents, completely and without reservation. It comes without requirements to behave or perform a certain way, and it comes with a boatload of benefits that go well beyond positive feelings. Benefits Backed by Science Oxytocin is a brain chemical released when a person feels love and connection. When oxytocin increases, growth hormones that support the development of the brain, body and immune system increase as well. That means unconditional love not only makes us feel good, but it’s also good for us. It supports cognitive development and the ability to form positive relationships, reduces stress and anxiety, raises confidence and selfesteem, and strengthens the immune system.

Here are three ways to demonstrate unconditional love children need to thrive, along with compelling benefits. 1. Hugs Studies show that hugs and nurturing touch provide positive stimulation young brains and bodies need to grow. Decades of research indicates that a lack of physical contact is detrimental to children, and those who receive adequate amounts of gentle physical touch score higher on developmental assessments. They also experience fewer emotional and behavioral problems.

Action point: Make hugs a frequent and regular way your family expresses love. Give hugs before and after school, at bedtime, and whenever your child needs a boost of encouragement. Be sure to give a hug or reassuring squeeze after disciplining a child to communicate that your love is unwavering, even when behavior needs to change. Important: Always respect how a child feels about hugs. Never force physical contact. Teach kids how to politely (but firmly) refuse unwanted touch. 2. Verbal High Fives Verbal encouragement helps kids learn language and social skills necessary for successful development. It helps children master language needed to express and process emotions.

“Words of encouragement, affection and positive guidance nurture a child’s sense of worth and security for a lifetime,” according to Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D. co-authors of the bestselling book The Five Love Languages of Children. When using verbal high fives to communicate unconditional love, put more focus on effort than outcome. You might say, “Great game! The way you and your team worked together was amazing!” or “I’m so proud of how hard you studied for that test. You learned so much!” When celebrating accomplishments, children need to understand that while receiving praise for performance feels great, it’s not a marker for earning more love. Words have staying power, so choose yours carefully. When discipline is necessary, take time to explain and communicate your belief in a child’s ability to change unwanted behavior. Kids often take a parent’s words and actions literally. Don’t assume they know you love them. Tell them — and tell them often. 3. Focused Attention Studies show that focused attention increases a child’s sense of security and self-confidence, decreases incidents of emotional or behavioral disorders, reduces risky adolescent behavior, and may even lead to a reduced risk

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of obesity. Focused attention also helps children develop responsive communication, an essential building block of learning.

Give children focused attention by being mindful of fractured attention common in today’s age of smartphones and constant distraction. Turning off technology during meals gives families a chance to connect, and it’s a great time to serve up a verbal high five or two. Make bedtime a quiet space to cuddle with little ones while reading a book or where older kids feel free to share thoughts, feelings, and questions. Be sure to get in one more hug or loving pat before turning off the lights. If mealtimes and bedtimes don’t work, think of other ways to connect with kids. Leave notes, create special routines, laugh and be silly together.

Unconditional Love Checkup How do you know if your child feels unconditionally loved? One way is to watch how he behaves when he makes a mistake. Does he come to you for help or does he hold back because he’s worried about your reaction? When kids believe parents are a source of unconditional support, they’re more likely to trust that a parent’s love is not dependent upon performance or behavior. Mistakes are an opportunity to grow and learn. Make sure kids know that — and that the door is always open for honest conversations. Do a self-check. Ask yourself if you withhold approval when faced with something you wish could be “fixed” or changed about your child. Remember that the path from childhood to adulthood is a steady climb. Accept that mistakes, missteps and childish behavior are normal parts of the journey. The best way for parents to encourage children along the way is by giving the unconditional love they need to grow into healthy, happy adults. No strings attached. v

Jody Lee Cates is a local mom and award-winning writer who blogs about healthy relationships at www.jodyleecates.com