Strengthen Family Bonds

A family of four recently caught my eye at the beach. Lying side by side on a blanket under a cloudless sky, with sand toys and a picnic basket carefully laid out, this family had the makings of a perfect San Diego day. But something was off. None of them were captivated by the beckoning waves or ideal sandcastle-building conditions. With heads bent and eyes glued to four individual smartphones, whatever was happening on their devices had hijacked their time together.

The constant, steady presence of technology is everywhere and it’s here to stay. We tell ourselves it’s a tool for staying connected—and to some degree, it is. But if not managed properly, technology can have devastating long-term consequences, interrupting togetherness and disconnecting us from the people we care about most. Here’s how to keep technology from ruining family relationships.

How We Got Here

The lines between work, school and home life continue to blur as technology powers everything from working remotely and retrieving homework assignments to scheduling family appointments. Constant connection is the new norm, so it makes sense that smartphones are rarely out of reach. It’s not uncommon to pick up a call or check messages right in the middle of a conversation. Who among us hasn’t said, “Sorry, this is important,” while holding up a finger to indicate you’ll make it quick?

It’s true that using screens to entertain is easier for parents than wrangling a toddler through the grocery store or asking her to sit quietly in a restaurant. It feels harmless— there’s plenty of great educational content kids can watch. And sometimes parents just need a minute to complete a task, a thought or (let’s face it) to check phones.

While there’s no denying that technology is valuable and necessary, it’s a mistake to believe that constant connection to everything and everyone doesn’t come at a cost to our relationships.

What’s Happening Behind the Screens

Sitting side by side on the sofa plugged into our screens is not the kind of quality time that relationships need to deepen and grow. According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, therapist and author of The Big Disconnect, technology has changed the basic construct of relationships. “It has triangulated our connections with each other, becoming the ubiquitous third party in our conversations, sometimes connecting us, but often interrupting us and ultimately disconnecting us.”

Every time we choose technology over being fully present, we send a message that whatever is happening

Model healthy habits that demonstrate what you value. If you’re always looking at your phone, kids learn that it must be interesting, fun and essential to look at, and they will follow suit. Putting down your device and giving each other undivided attention sends a powerful message about what matters.

Verbalize your feelings when tempted to reach for your phone; talk about alternatives to help children learn to identify feelings and healthy habits. Say something like, “Waiting is hard. Let’s play a game to pass the time,”

Power Down Technology to Power Up Your Family

While technology keeps us connected to the world of work, school and entertainment, it turns our attention away from people who are present. It can disconnect us from the comfort, trust and security that come from strong family bonds.

“The one eternal and incontrovertible truth about families,” says Steiner-Adair, “is that children need their parents’ time and attention. Families thrive when parents have strong, healthy relationship with their children.

Jody Lee Cates