Love Your Neighbor

10 Ways to support families with special needs

“I don’t know how you do it!” It was a simple statement. There was no ill-will behind it. It was an honest observation from one mom to another mom who was gathering five kids (most with special needs) into the car after coming from the store. She smiled and replied, “You just do.”

Every parent has been there— has walked through something challenging and kept going. It’s what we do as parents. When you have a child with special needs (or more than one), there are more challenges. Sometimes it feels like they will never end. Oftentimes parents of kids with disabilities have to push through really hard situations alone because people don’t know how to help. Let’s try to change that. Here are 10 ways to support families with special needs:

1. Keep showing up. More than anything, families who have kids with disabilities need people who are not afraid to show up, even when they don’t know what to do. You don’t have to have the answers; just be present.

2. Invite the kids. Kids who have special needs are often left out of fun activities such as playdates and birthday parties. Have a quick conversation with the parents or send a text asking what you can do to help their child enjoy the activity. If needed, invite the child for a one-on-one playdate instead of group playtime, invite the parent to stay and ask if they need any accommodations. Simply ask how to meet the family “where they are” and help them feel welcome.

3. Don’t gossip. This should go without saying, but it’s easy to forget. Don’t talk about the family or the child’s needs with other people. If you have a question, ask the parent. This is already a struggle with kids they encounter. They don’t need adults making it harder.

4. Get practical. Special needs usually require special care. This may mean multiple doctor, therapist and specialist appointments within one week or even in one day. Bring coffee for the parent at school drop-off. Offer to babysit their other kids. Leave a meal on their porch or have food delivered by a favorite restaurant. One of these gestures goes a long way for a tired mama.

5. Ask kindly. Most families are accustomed to people wondering about their child with special needs. Instead of steering clear, avoiding the subject or staring, ask thoughtful and kind questions. Disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of. We can talk about them in ways that are comfortable.

6. Respect privacy. Everyone has a story. It’s natural to be curious about someone’s situation, but it’s important to give people privacy. Honor what they are comfortable talking about and have respect for boundaries.

7. Invite parents. Everyone needs friendship and community, both of which can be hard to come by when caring for a child with special needs. Invite the parents out to dinner or over for a barbecue. They may not be able to join in as often as they would like (or ever), but being invited reminds them that they are seen and valued. Keep inviting them, reminding them there is no pressure.

8. Accept quiet. If you text or call and you don’t hear back, try not to be offended. Think of how much you are juggling daily and throw a dozen more things in the mix (even some life and death circumstances). This is what parents of a child with special needs handle regularly. If they don’t return a text or call, there may be a reason. Don’t write them off. A simple “I’m thinking of you” to follow up reminds parents you care.

9. Interact with the child. Sometimes people don’t know what to say when they see a child with special needs, so they say nothing. Make an effort to interact with the child. Ask them what their favorite color is or what they want to be when they grow up. Value the child and show the family they matter.

10. Do more than smile. Families with special needs often encounter people who say a quick hello, but never engage. Even if it’s new and unfamiliar, try making the effort to engage in real friendship. It makes a big difference for the family and for you. v

Rebecca Hastings is a freelance writer and mom. She has six siblings, five of whom have special needs.

Tell a friend! Be sure to pick up the brand new 2024 edition of Flourishing Families, our annual publication for families with special needs. The digital edition is available at www.specialneedsresource foundationofsandiego.com.