Table of Contents Face It!...................................................................3 #dyedpits............................................................4 On The Internet.....................................................8 Business (too) Casual..........................................11 I Can’t Do Anything............................................14 Body +..................................................................17 The Natural Cure................................................18
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Disguise Your Naturally Disgusting Face. Naturally. Despite the general obsession with clear
skin, many women struggle with blemishes, spots, and general skin ickiness on their faces no matter how religiously they wash with special cleanser and avoid touching their skin. You can spend a small fortune on skin cream made from the tears of baby koalas, and still wake up looking like you of genetics in the end, and some people just have to do more in their quest for perfect skin, while the few lucky ones walk around wondering why everyone makes a big deal out of having clear skin. You could go the route of trying crazy, fun skincare remedies from around the world. People from around the world have been putting weird shit on their faces for eons. In Japan, geishas would use nightingale droppings to wash off makeup and give their skin a pearly sheen. If that sounds unappealing, consider that Chilean snail farmers swear by letting snails glide over your face as a method for restoring elasticity. Yes, people actually let someone put snails on their skin, and then lie still while said snails slime all over them. If it helps, imagine the loving snail farmers coaxing their shelled progeny along, practicing on a mannequin perhaps, whispering, “That’s it, Freddy Crawlslow, moisturize that face.” If bird droppings and snail baths gross you out, then consider some other non-drug-store skin remedies. Turmeric, that spice that you probably never use for any dishes, is sometimes used as a facial mask. It’s actually really good for your
their faces. This is basically leftover water from soaking and cooking rice. This method is easy to try, at least, as you prepare your sad dinner of rice and beans and eat in front of the TV where no one can see you with rice water smeared on your face. There are tons of natural skin care methods like this that use ingredients which are currently sitting in your pantry gathering dust. Some things not to try, however: baking soda and lemon juice. For some reason, facial recipes involving these ingredients circulate on Pinterest and other sites all the time, and they’re honestly just really bad for your skin, cause abrasion, strip away natural oils, and do nothing good. As much as pixiegurl420 might recommend a baking soda cleanse, know that she/he/they are probably sitting in middle school health class on their iPhone reposting terrible skin care recipes. As fun as it is to try making a facial mask with ingredients from your refrigerator, make sure to reIt all comes down to making healthy decisions and trying different things. You may never look as perfect as the airbrushed mascara model in your current issue of Beautiful Broads magazine, but a little bit of attention and experimentation can make you look a little bit more alert and alive. And really, that’s all that anyone wants, besides free pizza and beer. Just remember the dedicated Chilean snails. If Freddy Crawlslow can moisturize a face, you can too. And it’s your own face, goddammit, so you’re going to moisturize it well.
softness. Who knew? Many women in East Asian countries also swear by using rice water to wash UPSTREAM 3
feminist trend, or just trendy?
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Late in 2014, a new trend hit the internet, as trends tend to do. Someone caught on to the fact that some women have armpit hair, and have the audacity to actually dye it interesting colors. Now, shaving or not shaving body hair has been a feminist issue since people bothered to make anything a feminist issue. These days, if you just don’t feel like shaving for a few weeks, most people will just assume that you’re a feminist and avoid bothering you about it. It’s actually pretty awesome. There is, however a certain stigma about not shaving armpits that other body hair just doesn’t get. Most ladies are quick to jump on refusing to shave their downstairs jungle (because let’s face it, ingrown hairs suck,) and will allow hairy legs, especially during the winter months. Faced with the idea of hairy pits, however, a lot of women balk in fear of coming off as a hippie who uses magical healing crystals and thinks that deodorant is carcinogenic.
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Historically, women only started shaving their armpits after sleeveless tops came into fashion. Before that, no one gave a shit about what you had going on under there. And quite honestly, no one should anyway. Unless someone is rubbing their hairy underarms on your face, it really doesn’t matter that they exist. So why does it matter that women are dying their pit hair? Over the past few years, it’s become extremely trendy for women (and even men) to dye their hair bright colors. It’s passed the state of being an act of rebellion, and is just plain normal. You can go to any mall across America and purple and green hair, or walk into an ofrocking pink locks. Granted, there are still workplaces that prohibit ‘distracting’ hair or piercings, but you can still go on Pinterage women with fantastically bright hair. cations such as tattoos and piercings, dyed hair has become fairly commonplace now. Dying armpits, however, takes a different level of dedication. It’s saying, “not only do I not care what people think of my body hair, I actually want to draw attention to it.” You don’t dye something that you don’t want anyone to see. The trend actually gained media attention because
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of women posting pictures of dyed armpit hair all over Instagram with tags like “#dyedpits,” which is obviously super creative. The trend seems to be more about grabbing attention than anything, just as dying hair unnatural colors used to be. It’s not even a necessarily feminist thing to do, at least in the traditional sense of feminism and not the current generation of “Social Justice Warriors” who have hopped on the bandwagon. It’s become harder and harder to appear “unique” in a world where everyone thinks that they’re quirky and special. Thankfully, the days of everyone being “soooo random” are in the past, but have soon as they appear. Today it’s dyed armpits, and tomorrow it might be unplucked eyebrows or the resurgence of tramp stamps. Anything that women can reclaim to take power over their own bodies is bound to become a trend at some point, in someone’s social circle. Search “dyed armpit hair,” and the question “what do you think of this?” Is there really anything to think?
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on women, anonymity, and the online world
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We’ve all seen the meme: “On the Internet, no one knows you’re a...” Fill in the blank with anything. A dog, a cat, a pile of rocks. But the joke speaks to a larger truth.
It
seems as though the default online gender is always “male” unless stated otherwise. And as soon as someone reveals that they are female, the game changes. Women can be harassed online easily due to the anonymity of many forums and sites, which is why many choose to leave their gender out of the conversation altogether. But how did anonymity betrue that there are more men than women online. There are plenty of overtly female spaces on the intercally for women to image-sharing sites and craft blogs run by stay-athome moms. Perhaps women feel the need to make these spaces because of the reactions that can happen when they chime in on discussions with a larger audience. On the internet, no one knows that you’re a woman, unless you want them to. It ends up being a double edged sword of identity. On one hand, there are spaces where those stereotypical teenage boys desperate for female inter-
action are more than glad to give deference to an actual girl. Then there are the corners of the web where lurking basement dwellers wait to tell off any woman who wanders onto their favorite site. Anonymity online is power. It gives us the ability to share opinions without being discredited based on gender, race, nationality, or clothing choices. You can write essays about Medieval philosophy while sitting in your pajamas with a sippy cup of Franzia. You can pretend to be an astronaut. If you back up your words with facts, you can be anyone. You can also lose connection with who you really are. It can be hard to be a woman in the world of online clutter where everyone is male until proven female. nated for women, it’s easy to throw around casual sexism and think nothing of it. On the internet, you could be a brain in a jar and no one would know. But you know who you are, and how you would act if everyone online could see right through you.
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Navigating the world of dressing like an “adult”
One of the worst parts of growing up is that you can no longer wear whatever you want whenever you want. “Ugh, but mom, gothic industrial is who I really am” is no longer en excuse when you know that your mom probably sent you upstairs to change before school, even if you just changed back once you got there, muttering “screw you, parental units” into react by taking away your Xbox and grounding you when you decide to slip on some
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Oh no, it’s 8:30 am and you need to pick an
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a job interview or meeting with clients. Most people want to work with someone who has a sense of professionalism and can take twenty seconds out of their morning to put on non-spandex pants. When you’re a college senior in a boring morning class, no one gives a fuck. When you’re trying to sell yourself as a productive member of society, not so much. Even in your time off, you might want to consider putting away Topic that were your prize possession in middle school. You might not be able to wear that skin-tight mini skirt outside of clubs and parties anymore, and it might not be OK to wear a crop top to meet your partner’s parents. It’s OK. There’s still a time and place for dressing however the fuck you want, but it’s important to have “adult” clothes for all of the life situations that require them. So buy basic workplace clothing. Get a blazer and a tailored
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How old is this? a. Just bought it b. I’ve had it for a while but it’s still nice c. I bought this at a My Chemical Romance concert in middle school.
a. I think my mother owns this, too b. No, but they don’t approve of anything c. They don’t understand that I can’t wear pants
How clean is this? a Fresh outta the laundry b. Doesn’t smell bad? c. I don’t wash this piece of clothing because it’s good luck.
a. Only if style is against the rules b. If so, school dress schools are super strict c. Hell yeah man, I’m all about breaking the rules
a. I only buy tailored clothing, so yes. b. It’s my size? c. I don’t believe in “clothing sizes,” they’re so limiting
a. trendy and chic b. basic and comfortable c. dumpster diving aesthetic
Mostly A’s: Why are you taking this quiz? You just wasted an entire minute of your life. Mostly B’s: Yes, put the clothing on. Just make sure it matches. Mostly C’s: I am concerned for you.
skirt. It’s OK, really. You don’t even have to spend an arm and a leg if you don’t want to. Thrift stores, Goodwill, and consignment shops are a go-to, especially if you’re just barely an adult and broke as hell. Or, buy a few more expensive staple pieces and a lot of different shirts and accessory pieces so it looks like you’re wearing semi-professional even if you haven’t washed them in a few months and they’re two sizes too large. The idea is to form a façade of clothing behind which the formerly goth-industrial-hipster-grunge you can lurk in peace. No one during the day needs to know that you only wear lingerie tops and mom jeans around your house. Save that shit for your Instagram. And yeah, it sucks. As a kid, you always think that you can do whatever you want when you’re an adult, only to be hit with the harsh reality that adults are just as petty when it comes to appearances, but now they’re boring about it, too. So suck it up, buy some nice clothing, and side-eye those youths who can still walk around in ripped up jeans and their little sister’s t-shirts. Their time is coming.
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But I can do this.
Yes, you’re an adult, but you likely need your parents still to help you not look
You’re writing up your resume,
You look at an apartment and the property manager glances at you and says, “First time renting, huh?” as you wander around the tiny space, not sure what to look at. Do you check the baseboards for mold? Do you look in the fridge? Are you allowed to check to see if the water works? Should you ask if the rent can be lowered? OK, you have an apartment now. Time to get a job. This is why you’re patching together your resume, the one you forgot to update since freshman year. Work Experience: occasionally editing your friends’ papers for beer as payment? “Experienced Proofreader and Editor” Selling your clothing in sidewalk sales? “Customer Service and Sales Experience.” You just have to convince a potential employer that you are, in fact, a respectable human being, and not a wear while eating straight out of a gallon of ice cream. You have a college degree, and despite the fact that you can’t even sign a lease without your parents there to help you, there is still hope for the future. You somehow have managed to get a job interview. You wait in the lob-
and you’re not sure what to put in the “skills” section. You can name all original 151 Pokemon and you just learned how to brew coffee correctly, and in high school you worked as a cashier for a month before you had to quit and focus on your college applications. You adult.
Adulthood sneaks up on you like a sinister disease, rather than a sudden revelation. One day you walk past a group of middle schoolers giggling in a pack with Forever 21 bags clutched in their tiny hands, and you think “ugh, children.” Then you realize that you were exactly like them very recently. What separates you from them is the disillusionment about how cool growing up really is. Forever 21? More like, Can I Just Be Old Enough To Command Respect Already. But that, of course, would be a wordy name for a store. It would be much easier if gaining independence was a simple matter. You don’t think about things like how paltry your annual income looks until you’re trying to apply for apartments ly unstable. “But I’m a student!” you might say. “How am I supposed to make more money than this?” Well then, you need a co-signer.
your phone and then putting it away so that you don’t look like a stereotypical “young person.” You already said hello to the receptionist because someone
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(continued from page 15) told you that it was important to be nice to all staff that you ran into, but she just rolled her eyes at you when you asked how her day was going and mumbled something incomprehensible. “So what is your greatest weakness?” they ask you in the interview, three middle-aged men and a young woman who keeps giving you the stinkeye. You knew this question was coming, and you prepared, but now all of the truths wander through your mind: You aren’t a real adult, you don’t know
how to make an omelet, you can’t understand anything that children say, and you’re still afraid of bumblebees even though you know they won’t sting you. “Well,” you say, shifting in your seat and clearing your throat, ”I’d say my greatest weakness is that I’m too hard of a worker.” It’s a canned response for a cliche question, and everyone around the table nods and smiles and pretends that they know what they are doing.
An Honest Cover Letter: Dear Potential Employer, I am interested in working for you to some degree. I probably found you on a job hunting website, or maybe a friend referred me to you. I am a current senior in college with no prospects for the future, and I would love to apply for the position that you have open. Any position. I would love to work with your company because you will pay me. You won’t ask me to do free work for “experience” or “exposure,” and you seem to have manageable job descriptions. Your nize. I’m sure that eventually some form of Stockholm syndrome would set in if I worked for you, and I would legitimately love your company after about a year. I think that our interests converge because you seem to be looking for entry-level workers who will take low salaries, and I am just trying to make rent and afford booze. Quite honestly, any employer looks pretty good right now, but if you respond to me, you will become the best option. I have a lot to bring to the table. I’ve gone about three hours without having a mental breakdown, and last week I managed to clean my kitchen in a semi-respectable way. Sometimes I waste time writing stupid joke articles that will never be UPSTREAM 16
published, but if you employ me I will use these skills to earn revenue or gain customers. Given the chance to work for you, I would do pretty much anything you asked. My main strength is being able to do almost any task with an average level of success and completion. If you were to employ me, you would validate my past menial work experience as something other than an underpaid waste of time. I am available immediately, because I desperately need money. If you are okay with me showing up at 5 in the morning and crying a bit, I can work very long hours. Despite the fact that my degree is essentially worthless, my schooling has trained me to withstand anything. If you think that I would be a good match for your company, please email, text, call, Skype, PM, or fax me. Just kidding, don’t fax me. I don’t know how to use a fax machine, but I will pretend that I do if you call me for an interview. Thank you for your time and consideration. Best, Broke College Senior
Are all bodies created equal? Let’s talk about that recent Meaghan Trainor song “All About That Bass.” No, seriously. Behind the catchy, poppy lyrics hides a more sinister message of body shaming and judgment. While it seems like a positive song on the surface level, the lyrics are actually quite troubling on closer inspection. “My momma she told me don’t worry about your size,” Trainor croons, but then continues, “She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night.” Wait, what? And then Trainor goes on to dismiss “skinny bitches.” Yeah, that sounds positive. It’s no secret that women who are larger face discrimination, but the answer to this problem is not shaming smaller women to make larger women feel better. Unlike Trainor seems to think, women’s self-esteem should not be based on how who look different than them. Women face other people trying to police their bodies every day. Larger women are told to eat less, smaller women to eat more. Both are told that they look unhealthy. Every single body part is judged on an arbitrary scale that changes with
fashion trends and time. Let’s face it: everyone gets made fun of for their body, or judged based on it. The answer to this problem is not to take it out on others or try to institutionalize discriminatory thoughts. Body types that might appear advantageous usually come with their own different types of disadvantages. Women often base the worth of their body on how attractive it is to other people, and that often means how attractive it is to men. Surprisingly, men female bodies. Some grown men still don’t understand how tampons work. There’s no way that they is attractive or healthy. Everyone has their preferences. Equality means that no one is inherently better than anyone else. If you have to gain self-worth by putting other people down, then you’re not proving anything. So in response Meaghan Trainor, it’s not all about that bass. Every piece of music needs different parts to make it sound enjoyable, and some people really do prefer treble. UPSTREAM 17
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Never believe anything you read on the internet. I used to write health articles for a website that sold “natural supplements,” and my job involved constructing lies just elaborate enough to be believable. The health supplement business has a lot of rules involved in writing articles. You aren’t allowed to use words like “medicine” or “disease,” and you aren’t allowed to say that, for instance, St. John’s Wort cures depression. You are, however, allowed to mention that a study was done that found a positive link between St. John’s Wort and improved mood in some patients, and explain why this might happen, using words like serotonin and neurotransmitters. A lot of health supplement sites hire copy writers to churn out fresh content to get them higher on search engine lists. If you go from site to site, you’ll realize that most of the articles are very, very similar. “The Best Nootropics for Mood Improvement” might be an assignment I was or three sites with an article with that exact title. I would search their sources, and come up with a lot of dead ends. If you have three or four sites with similar articles telling you that nootropics can make you happy, then it seems credible, even if all of the sites link back to each other or to broken Wikipedia links. stracts to back up my “research.” If a study said that melatonin regulates sleep cycles, then I would say that it helps you sleep better by working with your natural brain cycles to calm you down. If a study found that lab rats ran slightly faster after taking NALT, then I would say that it can boost physical performance by increasing muscle endurance. It’s really, really easy to make up facts, and no one will know the difference.
Most people who take natural supplements are either afraid of medicine or don’t believe that it works. It’s much easier to buy something called DMAE from an anonymous online site where an article tells you it “boosts mood!” and “reduces anxiety!” than go to a doctor and admit that you’re depressed and anxious. It’s also easier to take valerian supplements that you bought at a drugstore rather than getting a prescription for real sleep medication. Copy writers for health supplement sites aren’t allowed to use words like “medicine” from a legal standpoint, but also in order not to scare off customers. The people who want these things don’t want to deal with the sterility and discomfort of the medical world. They want something that will make them feel safe, something that grows in the ground or is based on an ancient Chinese cure. As I was writing these articles, I would often wonder if any of the things I was writing about would work for me. I wrote articles to convince people that it was true. I told them that they could be problems if they just spent $20 on some ground up plant matter made into pills or some powder that would make them stronger. Health supplement sites will sell you their own version of the truth. The best thing to do is just never believe anything you read on the internet, especially if it tells you what to do with your own body. I don’t write copy for those sites anymore, but sometimes I come across an article about “5 Crazy Health Tips” and I know that somewhere out there, an underpaid, anxious writer is copying links from Wikiabstracts, hoping that they never have to take their own advice.
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UPSTREAM was written, illustrated, and produced by Sarah Greenlaw at Maryland Institute College of Art For more of her work: sgreenlaw.com sarahgreenlaw.tumblr.com Contact her: greenlawillustration@gmail.com
all work Š Sarah Greenlaw 2015