Holl & Lane, Issue 8 Preview (Strength) by Holl and Lane

HOLL AND LANE C REATE B EAUT IF UL CO NVERSAT IO NS

I SS U E 08

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TEAM SARAH HARTLEY Creator / Editor in Chief sarahhartley.net editor@hollandlanemag.com MIA SUTTON Editorial Manager thechroniclesofchaos.com stories@hollandlanemag.com JESS DOWNEY Media Manager chaoticandcollected.com ALLISON ANTRAM Editorial Intern instagram.com/allisonantram AMY BENNETT Editorial Intern abigailamira.com MADDIE LOKENSGARD Social Media Intern instagram.com/maddielokensgard

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CONTACT For press and advertising inquiries, contact editor@hollandlanemag.com For contributions, contact stories@hollandlanemag.com For stockists, contact editor@hollandlanemag.com

ABOUT We are more than a magazine; we are a community of women that share our hearts with boldness. We seek inspiration and encouragement in the big stories and the little details, and together we create home and add flavor to everyday life.

SOCIAL

L instagram.com/hollandlanemag I facebook.com/hollandlanemag J twitter.com/hollandlanemag M pinterest.com/hollandlanemag

EDITOR’S LETTER

hen you embark on something new, whether it feels slightly familiar, or if it’s a completely new experience, there is always an air of mystery involved. The mystery of the experience itself and the mystery of what the future holds with this new experience. At H&L, this issue is the start of a new chapter, a mystery. This is the first issue with our refocused direction, with a slightly different look, and with a new take on our world. We are, at our heart, a magazine about you - our readers. We are focused on the mysteries of true life - the stories that make up each and every day for each and every one of us. We want to tell the stories that need to be heard. So today we embark on this new mysterious journey - the one that will determine if we’ve made the right move in our new direction. The one that shifts our focus more wholeheartedly onto you and what your life looks like. And we hope that with this, you will feel comfortable in the arms of our magazine - that you will allow yourself to be vulnerable about the mysteries of your own life. We’re here for you - to inspire your home, your kitchen, and most importantly, your heart.

Sarah Hartley Editor In Chief

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Contents

HOME

Shades of Gray

10 Tips to Add Life to Any Room

Eclectic Charm

Hope Stops By: Malibu Farm

KITCHEN

Chia Berry Maca Pudding

Summer Macaroni Salad

36 Spritz Cookies

Grilled Aubergine

38 Mango-Raspberry Nice-Cream

Lemon Strawberry Scones

39 PiÃ±a Colada Nice-Cream

Contents

LIFE

08 Story Behind the Song

My Journey to Hell and Back

Teaching & Traveling

My Infertility Struggle

62 Ad Lunam

I Chose to Stay

66 Yoga for Children

70 Making Room

A Surprise Love of Homeschooling

Living the Nomadic Lifestyle

The Holl & Lane Girl

A NASTASIA A M OU R The H&L Girl Is: Creative, smart and capable, she is strong and uses her passions to help others. She enjoys being a part of something bigger than herself. She is innovative and professional but knows how to have a good time. The H&L Girl is modern, genuine and brave.

fter spending her childhood obese, Anastasia Amour began her five year battle with anorexia at the young age of twelve. She lost 50% of her body weight and was dangerously close to death. Her parents didn’t know how to help her. Finally, she made the decision to recover and get to the place she is today - a place of body positivity, and inspiring women around the world with finding the beauty in themselves. Anastasia now spends her time doing just that- working with women going through eating disorders, mental health issues and body dysmorphia. Her goal is to help those women who don’t know how, or can’t, seek the help that they need. She focuses on equipping them with the tools that they need to get to their own place of recovery and then acceptance and to reassure them that they are not alone in their battle. Our favorite Anastasia quote? “It IS possible to fearlessly love your body.” In Her Words: “For me, success means being able to find contentment - whether that’s in relationships, work or personal achievements. Euphoria and happiness isn’t possible in all situations but when I’m able to make “content” my default, neutral mode, then that’s success to me.” Find out more about Anastasia and how she can help you on her website: WWW.ANASTASIAAMOUR.COM INTERVIEW BY SARAH HARTLEY // WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY ANASTASIA AMOUR

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THE LIST On Our Bookshelf WORDS BY AMY COOK

REBECCA by Daphne du Maurier In Rebecca we find a narrator who is never mentioned by name because, even to herself, she cannot live up to the impossible standards set by her new husband’s dead wife, the namesake of the book. What she struggles to learn, in this mysterious gothic romance novel, is sometimes the things that haunt us most are the memories we conjure up for ourselves. EVERYTHING I NEVER TOLD YOU by Celeste Ng This story is a novel about a young ChineseAmerican girl who is found dead in 1970’s Ohio suburbia. Each member of her family is dealing with the grief in different ways but they all have something in common, nobody knows for sure who Lydia really was. And the question for the reader is how much of being an outcast dependent on race, gender and the expectations that those around us demand? THE GOOD GIRL by Mary Kubica This novel weaves a story between the before and after of a kidnapping of a Judge’s daughter in Chicago. Mia goes missing and the story erupts from there leaving you guessing every minute who is behind the abduction. With an explosive plot twist even the most experienced reader will not be expecting, The Good Girl offers up an edgy tale fans of Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl won’t want to miss.

Songs of Mystery

WORDS BY MICAH CHAPLIN

THE WAY Fastball WALT GRACE’S SUBMARINE TEST, JANUARY 1976 John Mayer YOU’RE SO VAIN Carly Simon AMERICAN PIE Don McLean IN THE AIR TONIGHT Phil Collins ODE TO BILLIE JOE Bobbie Gentry JEREMY Pearl Jam ELEANOR RIGBY The Beatles BREATHE (2AM) Anna Nalick LEGO HOUSE Ed Sheeran

Movies of Mystery

WORDS BY ERICA MUSYT

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO Disgraced reporter Mikael Blomkvist hopes to redeem his reputation after being hired to solve a 40-year-old murder case. With the help of Lisbeth Salander, a genius hacker and investigator, the two come together to discover family secrets that were long ago buried.

REAR WINDOW With a broken leg and nowhere to go, photographer Jeff Jeffries is confined to his apartment watching his neighbors to pass the time. When he sees what he thinks is a murder, he decided to solve it himself. With the help of his wife and nurse Jeffries hopes to catch a killer before being killed himself.

MINORITY REPORT In 2054 you can see the outcome of a crime before the crime even begins. When Chief John Anderton sees that he is being accused of the future murder of a man he’s never met, it becomes a race against time to find out what is really going on.

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The Story

Behind the Song with

Q: What was the inspiration for "A Little More Love"? Music has always been an escape for me. This song takes me to a place where all the world is right. I also had the chance to make some music with my best friend, Lee Brice.

JERROD NIEMANN

Q: What message would you like your fans to take away from the song? It’s so easy to forget that some of the best things in life are free and right in front of us. I hope the message of this song reminds fans that all you need to have a good day is family, friends and some good laughs.

WORDS BY JERROD NIEMANN // INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON

Q: What was it like singing this song with Lee Brice? How did the collaboration come about? Lee actually heard the song first and called me. We have been wanting to record music together for over a decade. I could tell by his excitement that the song would be something special. I instantly couldn’t quit singing it.

Kansas-born Jerrod Niemann exploded onto the country music scene in 2010 with his hit debut album “Judge Jerrod & The Hung Jury”, which included the smash hit “Lover, Lover”. Having also written songs for Garth Brooks, Blake Shelton and Lee Brice, Niemann is now touring with his newest album “High Noon”. We got a chance to talk to Niemann about his single “A Little More Love” to learn the story behind his songwriting.

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Q: In the song, you sing, "Make a little more love / And be happy for the rest of your life." Tell us something that would make you happy for the rest of your life. We are living in a crazy world right now and I see all the bad news everyday on TV. I certainly don’t have the answers to all the world's questions or problems, but I do know I’d be happy for the rest of my life if every innocent person on this planet had a chance to live a happy and fulfilling life. Q: The song also talks about worrying a little less about making money. Do you think our society gets too caught up in the "money will buy you happiness" mindset? Every commercial we see on TV paints a false picture of happiness. I think we should teach kids to be proud of who they really are instead of what society thinks they should become. &

HOME

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Shades of Gray WORDS & IMAGES BY CAROLINE KLEMP

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MY BOYFRIEND and I had many requirements when finding our first apartment, but the most important was to find something with a lot of character. We wanted something that we could tear down and build back up - to make it our own. That was when we found this apartment, in desperate need of a renovation. My boyfriend is a carpenter, so we (he) did most of the work ourselves, so it was easier for us to get it how we wanted. I have always wanted to move into an old industrial building and make it my home, but in Oslo there are not many industrial buildings to buy. This together with my love for concrete has definitely been an inspiration for the design of the apartment. The building was built in 1894; a four story building with the stylistic expression of eclectic historicism distinguished by neo-baroque â&#x20AC;&#x201C; so not many similarities with an industrial building. But we fell in love with all the character that it had, crooked floors and high ceiling with stucco and rosettes. We wanted to keep the ceilings and its beautiful features and have this as a contrast to the new furniture. This meant that we would not lose the character that we fell in love with, but at the same time we could modernize the rest of the apartment. Because of my love for concrete the entire bathroom was tiled in 120x60cm concrete tiles. We wanted the space to be as functional as possible and that is why we used the height of the room to make space for things like the hot water heater that is hidden above the shower, shelves for towels and the washing machine and so on. The mix of traditional with the industrial is something that came together as we went along with the renovation. In the beginning we wanted to make all the floors concrete, painted with white epoxy, but since the building is old it would have cracked after a while. This is why we chose the whitest laminate floor we could find, with as little texture as possible. But the industrial still found

its way into the design in other ways like the concrete back wall of the kitchen, the concrete homemade bedside tables, and concrete pots and decorations. Also the bedside lamps are made to look industrial, here we found some pipes and cut them to fit how we wanted. We did not want an apartment with only white walls; this is why we chose to paint all walls dark gray. This together with the white floor makes the rooms feel bright even though the walls are quite dark. When it was time for furniture and wall art we knew that we did not want it to look like a conventional apartment, we wanted it to represent us. When choosing for example the photo above the sofa we searched online for weeks to find something that we both liked, and then I edited it in Photoshop to make the eyes green to fit the color of the plants in the apartment. Since we do not have much color that was the only color reference that I could use. Even though the whole apartment is in gray scale all the fresh flowers and plants give the rooms just enough color for our taste. The most time-consuming project except for the renovation in itself was the frame wall. I get a lot of inspiration online, and one day I saw a picture of a white wall with white frames, and I fell in love. After that we went to several flea markets to find just the right frames, then we painted them all three times before we taped and glued on the wall in random order. It gave the room just the character that it needed. The modern furniture mixed with the old frames painted in wall color was just perfect. I still have a lot on my wish list, and the next project now will be a homemade headboard â&#x20AC;&#x201C; what it will be is still unknown. Maybe a tall concrete block? Maybe expose the brick on the back wall? â&#x20AC;&#x201C; all I know is that I want it to be one of a kind. Homemade, DIY, is absolutely something I recommend everyone try. You then make something special that no one else has; it will show your personality and distinguish you from everyone else. &

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10 Ways To Add Life To Any Room With summer in full swing, it’s time to shake things up in your home décor. Find inspiration in these ten tips on how to add new life to a space. 01. FLOWERS OR HOUSEPLANTS Grab a small bouquet or invest in a succulent; greenery will not only make your space feel more cozy, but if you choose the right kinds, they can even clean your air!

05. TEXTURE AND LAYERS Soft throw blankets, mirrors, grasscloth wallpaper, wainscoting – the possibilities are endless when it comes to adding dimension to a room. Have fun with it!

02. ART Whether framed photos, fiber weavings, paintings, or a gallery wall of them all – show off what tells a little of your story. If you are an art-lover, but are also on a budget, good news! The Tiny Twig blogger recently shared several online sources for downloading free, printable art with something for everyone.

06. STATEMENT PIECE Statement pieces are those items that immediately catch your eye when you enter a room. These can be a number of things: a large art piece, or maybe a bold color choice on a piece of furniture. Search for pieces that show off your personality!

03. THROW PILLOWS Inexpensive and full of color, throw pillows are an easy way to add a pop to a neutral couch and room. Feel free to get funky with the patterns! 04. A LARGE RUG Rugs can set the tone of a room. If you already have a ‘busy’ space, a more muted rug can balance everything out. Or, if you are looking for some pizzazz, find a rug with lots of interesting lines and colors, and plan the rest of the room around it.

07. PAINT Not surprisingly, paint is an essential when it comes to adding life to any space. Go bright and bold, or soft and muted – whatever tickles your fancy. Do be sure to paint a swatch on your walls before committing to a gallon; paint choices can look very different in different rooms, depending on the lighting.

WORDS & IMAGES BY MOLLY WANTLAND

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08. WALLPAPER Don’t be afraid of this classic décor; it’s coming back with a huge resurgence. There are several new companies selling incredibly cute removable wallpaper, making it easier (and more stylish) than ever, to choose a wall covering that works for your home. Ready to dip your toes in? Try the back of your bookshelves first with an unexpected pattern. 09. FRESHEN UP TIRED FURNITURE Love that old family lamp, but hate the shade? Try on a new one, and add a fresh finial! Recover a dated chair, find a new fabric for a beloved couch, paint that drab dresser. With just a little bit of work, it will feel like you have an entirely new room! 10. MEANINGFUL ITEMS There will always be new ways to add life to a room, but the best option will be timeless: display things that you love. Maybe it’s your grandmother’s recipes, or a sweet trinket from a special vacation. Trends will come and go, but surrounding yourself with special belongings will never go out of style. &

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ECLECTIC CHARM

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WE FIRST BOUGHT OUR HOUSE almost three years ago, on admittedly a bit of a whim. We were living in a condo with a large dog, no backyard, and a few questionable “man cave-esque” décor choices. I wanted our new home to feel lighter, brighter and more representative of our eclectic tastes. Being in the progress of finishing my graduate degree, and having just purchased a home, we knew that the budget was tight but that we still wanted to take our interiors a step above our previous aesthetic of mishmash Ikea furniture. Off to secondhand stores, classifieds and flea markets I went! There have certainly been some design hiccups along the way, (hello bad retro chairs and too-large DIY butcher block dining table), but the endless searching, scouring and hassling has paid off in a major way. Our house is slowly metamorphosing into a cool, collected mix of splurge-worthy items and some great second-hand finds!

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE DINING ROOM

The dining room was the first room in our house that I tried to tackle. I say “try” because the initial few attempts were largely unsuccessful. I bought things without planning the space out in advance and everything just looked out of place together - nothing fit both from a size and aesthetic perspective. The room that you see today was a true labor of love.

I knew that I wanted to include a round dining table in the space to maximize the fairly small room, and I had fallen in love with the gorgeous marble-toped Saarinen-style tulip tables. I had tried to buy several similar ones secondhand (and at a much cheaper price) but every time there was something wrong. They were either too small, too low, too beat up, too far away, need I go on? After months of searching I finally decided to take the plunge and purchase a similar style table from the gorgeous store Black Rooster in Toronto. It was worth every penny.

the base and I purchased remnant stone pieces for the shelf and the top. With an old house, space is of the essence and this piece allowed me to store some of my favourite odds and ends, including my grandad’s collection of teaspoons. The crown jewel of this room is definitely the chandelier, one of my best scores to date. The vintage Mazzega Murano chandelier came from a homeowner who was doing upgrades to a recently purchased home and had absolutely no clue what a gem they had! The dining chairs are another vintage find that cost next to nothing. I had them reupholstered in a black faux-leather vinyl so that they would still pack a punch and be easy to clean.

To finish off the room, I had drapes created in a wear-and-tear resistance winecolored fabric, great when your dog likes to use the window as his personal sunbathing spot, and some art from Minted. I love that the room is girly, without being fussy and it provides a great spot for Sunday morning brunch and family get-togethers. ›

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The sideboard was a custom creation based off of several consoles that I had seen. A wonderful metal smith created

WORDS & IMAGES BY ALEXANDRA RUYTER

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OFFICE

I am unquestionably a fan of the wonders of a simple color scheme. Black and white (I am fully aware that neither of these are colors, but a girl can dream right?) provide the perfect backdrop for most of the rooms in our home, often punctuated with soft pinks or oxblood tones. The office is no different. The first purchase was the awesome white desk from a company called Structube. It was simple enough to fit in with the current design aesthetic and had ample storage to house

the various bits and bobs that came along with being a student. The shelving design came from a Domaine Magazine spread on Lauren Conradâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s office where she utilized a similar set up. I borrowed the media unit from our basement, added some Ikea baskets, boxes, storage dividers and some of my favorite books and voila! The perfect storage cubby was formed. The chair was a vintage find from Etsy, shipped all the way from North Carolina. I love how it provides another resting spot in the space and fell in love with the way the wood and masculine vinyl seat complimented our desk. â&#x20AC;ş

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GUEST ROOM

The black and white theme continues up to the guest bedroom. This room spent two years as a lackluster and non-functional second bedroom. I spruced it up with a new open closet with ample hanging storage by way of a DIY pipe hanging bar and multi-combination Ikea dresser. The chandelier was a thrifting find and provides the perfect amount of light and some oldworld charm. The bed was another vintage purchase, and I had the seller paint it with a matte black chalk paint to ground the room. I rounded off the black and white theme with some graphic pillows from Black Rooster and bold art to mellow out some of the more girly French-inspired touches. I love the way the room compliments what we have going on in the rest of the house and allows us to maximize the way that we utilize the rooms in our home! &

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WORDS & IMAGES BY: HOPE ELIZABETH

Hope Stops By: Malibu Farm A visit to a local restaurant provides inspiration, spectacular views and mouth-watering dishes. 23000 PACIFIC COAST HWY â&#x2014;&#x2020; MALIBU, CA 90265 SITTING ON THE PIER, Malibu Farm is a restaurant with a spectacular view of surfers riding the waves in the Pacific Ocean. Chef-owner Helene Henderson originally gave cooking classes and farm dinners out of her home and in her backyard. Her food was too delicious to keep just at home, so she expanded and bought a space at the end of the pier (Malibu Farm Cafe), later expanding, and buying another space at the front of the pier (Malibu Farm Restaurant). Malibu Farm is not a big corporation or funded by investors, but is a locally owned small business. Upon entering, you will always receive a friendly welcome, which goes well with the warm vibe of the charming place. The food is absolutely amazing. Using organic, fresh, and real ingredients, the chef creates a masterpiece. It is incredible how such

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simple ingredients are turned into something so creative. The breakfast pizza is my favorite dish from the brunch menu at the restaurant. The base of the pizza is on a flatbread that has a perfect crunch when you bite into it, and surprisingly soft in the middle. It is topped with cheese, chicken sausage, an egg, and arugula. Even the coffee isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t your typical cup of joe. The beans are provided by Caffe Luxxe in Santa Monica, which are roasted in a traditional Northern Italian style, creating a dark chocolate and subtle caramel base flavor profile with a hint of nuttiness, and a soft floral finish of jasmine. While Malibu Farm is a place for regulars, some come just for special occasions. Whether you are a tourist visiting for the week, an executive staying the weekend, or a local that lives nearby, Malibu Farm is definitely a place to check out the next time you are in the area. &

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KITCHEN 28 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Chia Berry Maca Pudding WORDS & IMAGES BY JESS TURNER

Cook time: 30 minutes - overnight Serves: 2 (2 cups) Ingredients: • 1/4 cup chia seeds • • 1/2 cup water • 1/4 cup milk • • 2 tsp cinnamon •

1/2 tsp grated ginger 2 tsp maca powder 1 cup frozen berries

Instructions: 1. Place the chia seeds, water and milk in a large jar/bowl and mix with a fork for a few minutes to stop any lumps forming. 2. Then place in the fridge for at least 30 minutes (overnight is even better). 3. Take the remaining ingredients and add them to the chia mix and mix until well combined. Serving Ideas: Serve with granola, sliced banana, coconut flakes or as it is.

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Summer Macaroni Salad

WORDS & IMAGES BY CATHERINE SHORT

Serves: 6 Ingredients: • 1 Package Macaroni Noodles • 10 oz Peas (fresh or frozen) • 1 cup Cheddar Cheese Cubed • 1 cup Sliced Gherkins • 1/2 cup Onion Minced • 1/2 cup Mayonnaise • Fresh Dill to taste Instructions: 1. Cook macaroni according to package directions. Set aside to cool (or consider making the night before). 2. Chop the cheese, gherkins and onions. Add mixture, plus peas, to the cold macaroni while folding in the mayonnaise. 3. Sprinkle fresh dill to taste. 4. Serve immediately or store in refrigerator for up to three days.

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Grilled Aubergine with Peppers and Tomato WORDS & IMAGES BY JESS TURNER

Cook Time: 35minutes Serves: 2-6 people depending on additional sides Ingredients: • 1 aubergine • 2-3 tbsp coconut oil • 1 cup diced tomatoes • 1 ½ cup diced pepper Sauce: • 2 tbsp tahini • 1 tbsp water • 1 tbsp lemon • pinch salt and pepper Instructions: 1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. 2. Slice the aubergine into ¾-1inch discs, and brush sides with coconut oil. 3. Place on a baking tray and in the oven. Bake for 30 minutes, turning the aubergine slices over half way through. 4. Dice the peppers and tomatoes (1 cm pieces) and place just the peppers in a pan with 2 tsp coconut oil, keep stirring on low to medium heat while cooking to avoid burning. Cook for 10 minutes until peppers are soft then add the tomatoes and cook for a further 5 minutes. 5. Make the sauce mixing all the ingredients together. 6. Place the aubergine slices on a plate and place/ sprinkle the pepper, tomatoes mix on top. Then drizzle with the sauce. Serving ideas: Great with a green salad, fish or other veggies.

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Lemon Strawberry Scone

WORDS & IMAGES BY CHRISTINE SIMARD

Prep time: 25-30 mins Bake: 15-20 mins, until browned Makes: 8 scones Ingredients: • 2 cups all-purpose flour • 1/4 cup sugar • 2 teaspoons of baking powder • 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda • 3/4 teaspoon salt • 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, frozen at least an hour • 1/2 cup Greek yogurt or plain (but not fatfree) • 2 tablespoons of honey • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon zest, approx. 1 lemon • 1 tablespoon lemon juice, approx. 1 lemon • 1 egg • 1/2 cup strawberries, roughly cut into 1/4 inch pieces Instructions: 1. Preheat your oven to 400F. Line a 9 x 11 baking sheet with parchment paper. 2. In a small bowl, mix the yogurt, honey, lemon zest, juice and egg together. Set aside. 3. In a medium bowl, mix the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. 4. Grate the butter using the large holds on the box grater. Using your hands, work the butter into the flour mixture until it is roughly all mixed in and is crumbly. 5. With a spatula, gently stir in the yogurt mixture into the flour just until it is incorporated. Do not over mix. Gently add in the strawberries. 6. On the prepared baking sheet, dump the dough and form a disk approximately 1 inch high and 6 inches in diameter. Cut into eight wedges and separate on the baking sheet. 7. Bake in the middle rack of your oven for 1215 minutes.

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Spritz Cookies With Red Bean Buttercream & Meringues WORDS & IMAGES BY JOYCE MAC

Servings: 18-20 Time: 1 hr active time + 1 hr inactive time Ingredients: Spritz Cookies • 1/4 cup whole milk • 2 tsp vanilla extract • 1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature • 3/4 cup granulated sugar • 1 cup plus • 1 tbsp all purpose flour • 1 1/2 tsp salt

Swiss Meringue Buttercream • 7 egg whites • 350g granulated sugar • 476g unsalted butter, room temperature • pinch of salt • 70g red bean paste

Meringue • 3 egg whites • pinch of cream of tartare • 85g granulated sugar • food gel paste of choosing

Instructions: Spritz Cookies 1. In a stand mixer, using a paddle attachment on medium-high speed, mix the butter and sugar until light and fluffy consistency for about 5 minutes. 2. On low speed, add milk and vanilla extract until smooth, scrape the bowl. 3. On low speed, add the salt and flower and mix until just incorporated. 4. Place batter into piping bag with Ateco tip #895 and pipe onto a lined baking tray about 3’’ in length, leaving 1’’ in between each cookie. 5. Chill for 15 minutes in the fridge. 6. Preheat oven to 350ºF Bake for 10 minutes, rotate the pan and bake for 5-7 more minutes until golden. 7. Cool on wire rack. Swiss Meringue Buttercream 1. On a double boiler, whisk the egg whites and sugar together until the mixture reaches 135F. 2. Pour mixture into a stand mixer with a whisk attachment and whisk on high for 2 minutes, 3. Continue to whisk on medium speed for 10 minutes, until completely cool. 4. Switch to a paddle attachment and on low speed, slowly add the butter, 1’’ cube at a time. 5. Once all the butter is incorporated, add red bean paste on low speed. 6. Switch to high speed for a few more minutes until all smooth. 7. Place three-quarters of the mixture into piping bag with a St Honore piping tip. 8. Color the remaining buttercream with a dark purple and pipe flowers. Meringues 1. Using a stand mixer with a whisk attachment, whip egg whites with cream of tartare on medium speed. 2. Once foamy, after 1-2 minutes, gradually add the sugar. Increase to high speed and continue whipping for 6-7 minutes. 3. The meringue is ready if you turn the bowl upside down and the mixture holds. 4. Fold in the chosen food gel paste but not completely so the constructing colored swirls will appear. 5. Preheat the oven to 175F. 6. Using a small rosette tip, pipe ½’’ stars on a lined tray with parchment paper, working from the outwards to the center. 7. Bake for 60 minutes, rotating halfway. 8. Ensure that the meringues are dry and cooked all the way through. If you gently lift the bottom and can see wet batter still, continue to cook for 10 minutes longer each time. Depending on the exact size of your meringues, the baking time may vary. 9. Cool on wire rack. Assemble 1. Pipe the buttercream in a left-to-right swiggle motion on top of the spritz cookies. 2. Decorate with meringues, gold dust and buttercream flowers. 3. Serve immediately. 37 | Issue 08

Mango-Raspberry “Nice-Cream” WORDS & IMAGES BY KELLY AGNEW

Time: 5 minutes Serves: 2-3 small bowls Ingredients: 2 frozen bananas 1 cup frozen mangoes ½ cup frozen raspberries ¼ cup cashew milk (or any other nut milk)

Instructions: 1. Place all ingredients into a food processor or high-speed blender. 2. Blend or pulse until all frozen ingredients are blended together. You may need to stop the processor and stir the ingredients a few times. 3. Serve as soft-serve or freeze for 30 minutes for a thicker consistency. Add more liquid as necessary – but be careful, if you add too much, it becomes a smoothie.

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Piña Colada “Nice-Cream” WORDS & IMAGES BY KELLY AGNEW

Time: 5 minutes Serves: 2-3 small bowls Ingredients: 2 frozen bananas 1 cup frozen chopped pineapple ½ cup coconut cream* * Coconut cream is obtained by refrigerating or freezing a can of coconut milk, until the milk separates and the cream rises to the top. Using the cream alone gives this dessert a smoother, creamier texture.

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LIFE 40 | Holl & Lane Magazine

My Journey To Hell And Back: Living With Endometriosis and Uterine Fibroids WORDS BY ELIZABETH SILVA

I SAT SILENTLY hoping Professor Forsythe wouldn’t notice me turning white and clammy as tears streamed down my face. History of Ohio was my least favorite class at CSU, but my discomfort had little to do with boredom. The pain in my lower abdomen sent me reeling into a panic; I would soon black out from the agonizing throbs. As if the vomit on my shoes wasn’t proof enough, Professor Forsythe did notice and sent me to the campus student health center to see if I was okay. “It’s a UTI. The classic college co-ed infection of the urinary tract,” the harried resident doctor announced sure of his diagnosis. He scribbled something illegible on a prescription pad and sent me on my way. It would be many years later that I was diagnosed with stage four abdominal and intestinal endometriosis, and massive uterine fibroids. While I am not a doctor, I have lived with the nightmare that endometriosis and uterine fibroids cause. Through my experience, research, and work with many gynecologists and gastroenterologists, I am able to share my knowledge and thirty-one year journey with these debilitating diseases. Endometriosis occurs when tissue that would normally grow inside the uterus instead grows outside of it. It commonly affects the bladder, ureters, intestines, and ovaries, but can be found anywhere in the body. Because it’s uterine tissue, it bleeds monthly, and comes with the other undeniable joys of menstruation: severe cramping, bloating, and commonly, debilitating pain at the site the disease is growing. While endometriosis is rarely cancerous, it grows at cancer-like speed making it difficult to treat. Endo is a leading cause of infertility and affects an estimated five million women across the U.S.

Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths of the uterus that are formed when a single cell divides repeatedly, eventually creating a tumor. These tumors can range in size from undetectable seedlings to bulky masses that fill the entire abdominal cavity. In my case, I had multiple massive tumors that caused abdominal distention equivalent to the size of a six-month pregnancy. Uterine fibroids can cause other troubling symptoms as well: heavy or uncontrollable bleeding (which can lead to anemia), painful periods, frequent urination, lower back pain, and complications during pregnancy. That is, if the fibroids have not caused infertility. Three out of four women will develop uterine fibroids at some point in their life. Endometriosis and uterine fibroids are two of the most common gynecologic diseases, both physically and emotionally jarring. Yet, they are rarely talked about. I’ve chosen to share my story so that other women don’t have to suffer in silence. There is help for us. I was a happy kid, carefree and unbothered by much. My childhood was filled with My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, lots of friends, and a loving family. There wasn’t much I had to worry about. Then when I was in third grade, I got my first period and everything changed. While my friends were green with envy and willing their periods to start, too, my life at eight-yearsold became a living nightmare. At the time, I didn’t have the language to describe what was happening to me, but I was miserable. I was often hit with pain so bad I would become nauseous, dizzy, and black out. Pain radiated throughout my back and down my thighs to the point I’d fall to the ground in agony. ›

On a regular basis, I soaked my clothing and bedding with bright red, uncontrollable bleeding. Sometimes I would miss a week of school at a time. I got to know the school nurse pretty well. My P.E. teacher was certain I was faking symptoms to get out of running laps. The doctors all thought I had IBS or a wild imagination. Food poisoning was another favorite diagnosis by my family practitioner. My parents thought I was just being dramatic. I didn’t understand why my life was nothing like the beautiful, confident women wearing airy, white summer dresses in those Stayfree Maxi commercials. My experience was nothing like theirs. I could never wear anything white, that I knew for sure. By twelve, I accepted what everyone was telling me: killer cramps were just a normal part of life.

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As I got older, my symptoms affected my social life. I’d cancel plans last minute, sometimes staying in bed for three days at a time. Acquaintances thought I was just being antisocial, introverted perhaps, or even a hypercondriac. For a few years, it seemed Midol and my heating pad were my most reliable friends. I was defeated.

Years later, when that nifty little thing called the internet was invented, I began to do research on my symptoms and connected to others who had similar stories. I was referred to a doctor who specialized in gynecologic diseases. Once again, my life changed, but this time, for the better.

I underwent a variety of diagnostic tests which included: hysterosonography, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), ultrasound, hysteroscopy, and hysterosalpingography. Many of these tests are used to show size and location of fibroids, determine reasons for abnormal bleeding, examine the uterine walls and check for openness of the fallopian tubes. In addition to these, I also underwent colonoscopies and a laparoscopic biopsy. The tests conclusively showed abdominal and intestinal endometriosis, and bulky uterine fibroids. I was elated! Finally, I had a diagnosis that could explain away the nightmare I experienced starting from a very young age. It also meant that I could begin to think about treatment options.

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The next several years were filled with treatments that I desperately hoped would spare my fertility. My doctor cautioned that both uterine fibroids and endometriosis were leading causes of infertility. As a young twenty-something, I didn’t know for sure that I wanted kids, but I wanted to make that choice for myself. My first treatment was hormones to control symptoms. This proved ineffective. Next, my doctor explained that there was a surgical treatment called a Myomectomy. This is the surgical removal of fibroids from the uterus. It allows the uterus to be left in place and, for some women, makes pregnancy more likely than before. This sounded like a good way forward. ›

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When I was 26, I had my first surgery. The incision is made through the lower abdomen similar to that of a Caesarean section. Multiple fibroids were removed; the largest the size of a grapefruit, the smallest the size of a golf ball, and many in between. Three years later, I had a second Myomectomy to remove new fibroids that had developed. By 31, I had more painful fibroids than ever before. My doctor told me about a fairly new procedure called a Uterine Fibroid Embolization (UFE). This is an outpatient procedure done by a radiologist in a hospital. It blocks blood flow to fibroids in the uterus. Unfortunately, this procedure cannot protect fertility, but I was desperate to finally put my issues to rest and signed on the dotted line.

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Becoming infertile hit me suddenly and like a ton of bricks. It became a dark hue that colored the lenses through which I viewed the world. It was sort of like when dusk settles into the evening sky. It was everywhere and inescapable. Sure, I wasn’t even certain I wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t know that I did not want to, either. The next two years brought a lot of tears and grieving the loss of something that never existed, that was never mine in the first place. But on April 14, 2010, I found out I was two months pregnant. It was a miracle of epic proportions. My husband and I had been blessed. My son was born happy and healthy on October 5, 2010. It has been five and a half years since then. You often hear stories of women like me who endured years of pain and suffering only to be suddenly “fixed” after they had a child. Unfortunately for me, my medical issues only got worse. In fall 2015, I started bleeding. It didn’t stop for 6 months. I had blood clots the size of golf balls. We tried hormones to control the bleeding. Once again, they proved to be ineffective. It was like my body was trying to kill off my uterus. On February 11, 2016, I had my fourth and final surgery: a full hysterectomy and a bowel resection. They removed the entire uterus and endometriosis that filled my abdominal cavity. They also removed about ten inches of my intestine which had been completely obstructed by endometriosis. The surgeon later told me that I was the worst case he had ever seen. The surgery was supposed to take about two hours, instead it took five.

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While parts of my body feel broken, my spirit remains whole and unchanged. My body has given me hell, but it also gave me the love of a beautiful child. And for the first time in 31 years, I’m okay. If you are suffering with uterine fibroids or endometriosis visit the National Uterine Fibroids Foundation at nuff.org and The Endometriosis Association at endometriosisassn.org for information, updates in research, and support communities, and talk with your doctor. & 43 | Issue 08

My Infertility Struggle In our last issue, we talked with blogger Caitlin Lindquist about her struggle with infertility and how itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s affected her life. We continue the interview here. INTERVIEW BY SARAH HARTLEY // WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY CAITLIN LINDQUIST

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Q: When you’re involved in IVF, what is the process like? What is the most difficult part? First, I must start out by saying that just like your monthly cycle, no two women have the exact same IVF protocols. So my experience may be different than yours, but the IVF process is typically a couple of months long and involves medications designed to recruit and grow multiple eggs within your follicles as well as prepare your uterus for the embryo(s). I will admit, at first glance the IVF process can seem pretty awful - everything is expensive, super stressful and your body has to do exactly what the medications tell it to before you can move onto the next step. Needless to say, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed or stressed out. But, with printed out calendars of your daily medications, it’s nice to feel organized in the midst of all of the chaos. One way to compartmentalize the process is to divide it into three phases: the preparation phase, the stimulation phase and the luteal support. And I am about to go into some major depth here so lend me your ears and grab a comfy pillow because you might be sitting here for a while. To give you a little bit of background, the preparation phase is designed to help suppress your hormones to ensure your body is ready for the stimulation medications. It’s kind of just a way to calm everything down before you begin amping everything up. My doctor typically puts me on birth control to help my ovaries prepare. This phase usually lasts about two to three weeks and starts once your period comes along. I don’t really have any major qualms with the preparation phase other than a little nausea here and there. If it’s your first go-around, you’ll likely also be scheduled for a HSG and/or SGH procedure where they inject dye into your uterus to show whether your fallopian tubes are open and simultaneously clear them out if they aren’t. This can help increase your chances of pregnancy as well. It usually only takes about 5 minutes and only causes minor cramping - just be sure to wear a pad afterward because nobody wants dye in their panties. During the preparation phase, my doctor also typically performs multiple endometrial disruptions, a procedure where they scrape your uterine lining to basically damage it and make it thicker and therefore better for

implantation. It’s really not a fun visit at the doctor but is typically over before you can even say ouch. My doc usually counts down from 10 as they do a swipe per count. Just hold on tight and bear down. Next, I am usually started on Lupron, which kind of shuts down my ovaries temporarily to prevent premature ovulation. It’s one of my least favorite drugs because it gives me the worst hot flashes and makes my bones ache. My doses are usually cut in half after about a week, and that helps too. After that, I typically come in for my baseline monitoring appointment for blood work and an ultrasound to determine if my body and uterus are ready for the next stage of medications. If all is good, I usually begin the “stimulation phase” of our IVF journey. This stage usually lasts a few weeks and involves stopping the birth control but beginning more pills, creams and injections in order to grow my follicles. This stage is kind of where all of the “fun” begins. Follistim or Gonal-F, depending on what the local fertility specialty pharmacies are carrying, and Menopur injections come next to help your ovaries produce lots of eggs. You’ll feel bloated and will look like you’re already pregnant, but that’s a good thing and is to be expected. I looked like I was already five months pregnant and I gained a bit of weight, but it will eventually go away. My hubby was then put on Levaquin for a few days while I went in for nearly daily appointments for blood work and ultrasounds to monitor both my hormones and the size and amount of my follicles. You can expect to come into the office about 8-10 times - so no leaving town. The no travel was a bit more difficult for me because I have had to say ‘no’ to a lot of amazing opportunities with my blog over the last year through this entire process, but at the end of the day, it’s worth it to start our family. You just have to set your priorities from the get-go. When your body is ready to move onto the final phase and your follicles are nice and big and mature (aka you’re bloated and uncomfortable when you sit), you’ll administer the hCG trigger injection at a specific time to start ovulation. They put me on a Z-PAK as well to prevent an infection before we did our egg retrieval, which is scheduled 36 hours after your trigger injection. ›

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For the egg retrieval, you’re sedated by an anesthesiologist, kind of like a twilight sleep, and they steal your eggs using an ultrasound guided needle. They poke each follicle and suck out all of the fluid to capture the egg in each. It’s kind of crazy, that’s how tiny they are. They then put your eggs with your hubby’s semen and boom you’ve got tiny little embryos made in a petri dish.

tire process is not the injections or the medications or side effects, it’s your outlook. Just stay happy and positive and let those endorphins help by watching happy movies.

After the egg capture I had a hard time being able to stand up all the way because I was sore and just needed rest. My neighbor kept ringing our doorbell and I’d answer it looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame. I was told to drink gatorade and just relax. I watched a lot of movies and Netflix was my best friend.

They say a positive attitude can affect the outcome of your fertility treatments, and I truly believe that. I was half tempted to hire a clown to come into my room post-transfer, but opted for a couple of Will Ferrell movies at home later instead.

Q: How do you remain positive through the disappointments?

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE Because we did a frozen embryo transfer (FET), our “embabies” were frozen on day four of their development and stored while I recovered. We started out with eleven eggs, nine were of good quality and of those nine, six successfully froze. While those weren’t the numbers we were hoping for, they were good enough for two FET’s (implanting three in each).

After I got my next period, again I started up the birth control to allow my ovaries to “cool off,” before starting up the Lupron once more as well as more injections, including G-CSF, Lovenox (my least favorite because the medicine really stings going in) and progesterone (the really big needle that has to go into your bum). Basically, you can plan on a whole lot of nightly injections and they won’t be fun. Especially for me since I have a needle phobia. But I will say, that yes, eventually they will start to get just a little bit easier. Here are my recommendations:

For the Lovenox, ice your tummy for a few minutes before and after. And for the Progesterone injection, alternate sides every night and try not to inject in the same place if you can. Ice before and take the pressure off your leg/butt on whichever side you’re injecting on that night. Have your hubby go quick in and inject the medicine slowly. Then massage the area, walk around, do some squats and use a heating pad to help ease your soreness. Trust me, it helps.

But the point is, you just have to do what you can to stay happy and positive. Here are some tips that have helped me do just that throughout the entire process and through the disappointments: 1. Have faith in the process and know that you will have your family someday. I know I keep saying that, and you should too. But just know that your team of doctors are amazing at what they do and will do everything they can to help you create that little family you’ve always wanted. 2. If you set your expectations from the get-go, the disappointments will be easier to get through. This is life, and not everything is going to work out the way you want it to. As I mentioned, the IUI’s didn’t work for us but that’s ok, we had other options, like IVF. During our egg capture, we didn’t retrieve as many as we’d hoped. But that’s ok, because we still had 6. And we can work with 6. Get my drift? You just have to look at the glass half full and know that you are doing all you can and are engaged in a process that gives you the best possible chance of having a baby. Have faith in that.

3. Don’t be afraid to talk about your journey. Talking about your struggles with someone who is open to hearing the highs and lows will help you to not feel so alone. You don’t need to suffer in silence because you are not alone. In fact, infertility is quite common, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a part of life. A part that you will overcome.

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Everything else is just pills or creams and those are easy by comparison.

After all the hard work and blood (injections), sweat (heat flashes) and tears, just stay positive and know that IT WILL WORK! The most difficult part about this en-

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4. Look at the big picture and look forward to what comes next. In the end, yes it will be a baby. But to get there, you have to look forward to the next steps, like the retrieval or the transfer - because you are just that much closer to getting pregnant with your very own. ›

I am always excited for what comes next and can’t wait to accomplish one phase to tackle the next. I think it’s a positive outlook that will help you get through it day by day. Q: If you started this journey over, would you still do IVF?

ways dreamed of. And don’t be afraid to talk about it, to reach out to others and ask questions, or seek help and support. Q: Is there anything you’d like to tell readers who know someone going through infertility? How can they be supportive?

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If I were to start this entire journey over again, I think I would have done IVF sooner, to be honest. For the first year, I was in a bit of denial that anything could be wrong. And even through our four failed IUI’s, I somewhat just wanted to keep going with those because I wasn’t ready to face the possibility of IVF. But, it’s not that scary. In fact, IVF is a miracle and has helped so many women achieve pregnancy who never thought they could. You just have to look beyond all of the needles and medications because in the end, those aren’t what matters at all, and you will surprise yourself on just how strong you really are.

All you can do is offer your support and be there for them. If they want to talk about it, they will. My friends, family and neighbors have sent me emails and cards and flowers and it really has meant the world just to feel their love and support as we go through this entire process.

So don’t let the thought of IVF scare you. Making the decision to undergo IVF can be nerve-wracking, but if you do your research and ask questions, you’ll find that it really is a revolutionary process and an incredible miracle. It has helped countless couples realize their dreams of expanding their family and becoming parents and I know that it will do just that for us too.

What I don’t recommend is suggesting that they stop trying or stressing about it. Trust me, that is easier said than done and infertility is not something that anyone can truly control. It is a very tender and sensitive subject for most and there is a whole other emotional side to it than just another negative pregnancy test. So I recommend trying to be sensitive to their emotions as well.

Q: Have you and your husband established a timeline for continuing with IVF before moving on to other options?

Other than that, just let them know you are always there if they ever want an ear to listen or a friend to talk to. You’d be surprised how helpful that can be. &

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Gosh, I honestly haven’t even thought that far. Maybe because I truly whole heartedly do (and have to) believe that IVF will work. The process has my faith and belief. But if that day comes, we will cross that bridge if/when we get there. I have hope because we learned with this last IVF transfer that I can get pregnant, now it’s just a matter of making it happen again, and staying pregnant. But I would say that if that never happens, I think we will next look for a surrogate to carry our baby. And if that fails, then we would next look to adoption.

And I have loved hearing from my wonderful readers with words of encouragement via email, Twitter and SnapChat. Connecting with them and being there for one another, even as complete strangers, really has a powerful and positive impact. So don’t be afraid to lend your support, even if it’s someone you don’t really know.

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Q: What advice do you have for others who are also struggling with infertility?

Above all, stay positive. And know that you are not alone. You’re going to be ok. And it’s ok to struggle with this. Millions of couples do. But you too shall overcome this. Trust in the process and in your very skilled doctors - they have it down to a science. And know that you are doing all you can to have that family you have al-

I C H O S E T O S TAY: A Journey Through Recovery WORDS BY SHELBY LARIOS

THE FLOOR IS COLD. I don’t even know how long I’ve been lying here. Hours, probably. I have a stomachache and my head is pounding. I try to lift myself up off of the bathroom floor, but as soon as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I break down in tears. The girl in the mirror wasn’t who I wanted to be and her life wasn’t one I wanted to have. Thoughts race through my mind, convincing me to end everything. The pill bottles in the medicine cabinet are tempting my irrational behavior. I'm scared to death I've completely lost my mind. Things have been hard and my thoughts are racing. I can’t slow them down or make them stop. I stood there, facing the mirror. Tears smeared across my face and without hesitation, I took comfort in a razor. How did things get this bad? What happened to me? I used to be this bright, happy girl who had big dreams for herself. I knew what I wanted. But one day, a light went out in me. I was thirteen when my world changed. Though my memory of that day still remains unclear, what still lingers with me is the feeling of their hands and the

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sound of their voices. I remember my back slamming against the hard floor and the constellation of bruises that were left on my thighs. I knew I should have told someone, but I stayed completely silent about it and I let myself believe it never even happened. It changed me. I felt powerless and I started craving control, I started looking for distractions and things to help me forget. I needed an escape from the life I was living. I was having awful nightmares, flashbacks, and I was being bullied in school. One day, I made myself sick after eating because I saw a friend do it and I wondered what it was like. It made me feel better. It made me feel like I had control over my body. I needed more. Things became too hard for me at school that I resorted to self harm. I remember the first time it happened. That one day, what I thought was just a quick cut to ease the pain became the beginning of an everyday release. It all started out as just a way to make myself feel better but slowly, it started turning into one of the scariest things I’d ever have to go through. I had no idea I was about to spiral into a deep addiction. ›

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When I started high school, the cutting only got worse. I watched as one cut turned into ten and ten turned into a hundred. I went from only doing it once a week, to twice a week and then it was once a day. Before I knew it, it reached a point where I couldn't even make it through a six hour school day without cutting and by the time senior year came around, things were out of control. I walked around like any normal student but I was hiding under baggy clothes and making sneaky and frequent trips to the bathroom. While everyone else was gossiping about who likes who or what was happening after school, I was thinking about the next time I could hurt myself again. I isolated myself and seized every opportunity to be alone. I was fasting, abusing diet pills, laxatives and exercising every chance that I could. I tried to be invisible, but it just got so severe that I just stopped functioning. I became a scary, careless version of myself. Depression took over me and I became an outsider to my own self. I felt like I was watching myself do things I didn’t want to do but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I remember how terrifying that was.

Rumors flooded around school about me after my journal was stolen from my backpack. Suddenly, everyone thought they knew everything about me. People would stare and whisper as I walked passed them. I was called every name in the book. Fighting those words became yet another battle I had to face every day. I started hiding out in bathrooms and locker rooms and even skipping school. I didn’t know how to handle all of this and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to help me. I didn't understand why I was in my situation and why some people's lives were so much better than mine. One of my teachers ended up becoming the only “friend” I had in school. The only person I felt like I could talk to. But even she was concerned, and I put her through hell during my last two years of school. She broke down one day telling me that she was so afraid of finding me dead in the locker room. That should have scared me, or opened up my eyes to just how bad things had gotten for me. It should have been a wake up call but instead, I shrugged it off like it didn’t even matter. I felt bad for hurting and scaring the people that I loved, but at the time, I chose my eating disorder of everyone and anything else, always.

I was alone. I was always alone. High school is when everyone starts dating, going to parties and having fun. Not going out to do anything made me frustrated. I wanted the same experiences as everyone else. I wanted just to fit in and be normal.  I wanted those fun filled Friday nights with a large group of friends. It was hard sitting there listening to how much fun everyone else had. I had friends, I had people who cared about me but my eating disorder didn’t let myself see it. I wanted to be left alone so that I could continue doing what I was doing.

An intervention was held for me at school and I was livid. The school psychologist recommended that I leave and go complete high school in a treatment center but of course I convinced my parents that I would stop doing what I was doing and so we moved on. I only became more secretive and careful. I was good at convincing people that I was okay. My eating disorder made me a really good liar. I started seeing the psychologist about twice a week during school, but I never opened up to him. I guess a part of me knew that he and my teacher were right but I just wanted to keep being wrong. I wanted to keep my bad habits, I didn’t want to lose the only thing I knew. It was my comfort, in an unfortunately sad way.

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I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was passing out in school and teachers, friends and other students were always questioning me. The cuts and bruises could no longer be blamed on clumsiness. I couldn't hide it. I was scared and I was so afraid of how careless I became with myself. Every morning I would wake up wondering if I would even make it through the day. I was constantly telling lie after lie just to cover up my other lies. It all just became too much and I was breaking under the pressure. It made me angry that I couldn't ask for help. I knew that no one would understand me or what I was going through, but how could I expect them to? I didn't even understand. I found myself crying all of the time, over everything and sometimes, over nothing at all. But around others, I put on a smile. I became so good at faking it that I even started to fool myself into believing that I was actually okay. But I broke. Of course, I was still the same person to everyone around me, but inside, I battled so many things. I was physically isolated and disconnected from the world.

I was terrified to graduate. So to cope with that, I made myself believe that I was somehow “all better”. I felt like I could take on the world with the new positive outlook I had on life. I graduated and started seeing a therapist once a week. Things were going fine until they weren’t anymore. I felt lost. All of my friends were going to college and moving forward with their lives and I just felt stuck. My addictions were my entire life and I was in one of the darkest placed I’ve ever been. Just weeks after graduation, I gave up on myself and I overdosed. I woke up the next morning to my little sister screaming at me to wake up. She had the most terrified look on her face, one that I will never forget. I immediately started throwing up and that’s how my day was spent. I should have been hospitalized. I know that I’m lucky to have survived what I did. I didn’t tell anyone what I had done because a part of me was hoping that there was still a chance it could work. I was devastated when I realized I had gotten the pills out of my system and I was going to be okay. ›

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The night I overdosed was my absolute lowest point. It’s overwhelming thoughts of what I was getting myself into. not that I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to die. I The night before, I had stayed up all night contemplating was hurting. I was always hurting and I just wanted it all my decision to leave, especially since I had just got to stop. I woke up though, and I told myself I’d try to get engaged. But there I was, lying in an unfamiliar bed and better. quietly crying because I didn’t know if I made the right choice. I didn’t think I belonged there. I didn’t feel like I But instead of getting better, things started was “sick” enough. I felt like I had no where else to go. I getting worse. My days were spent counting calories didn't exactly want to be there but I couldn't go home. I over and over again and constantly checking my body to couldn’t deal with the flashbacks, the nightmares, the lack make sure nothing felt bigger. I was painfully aware of of sleep or the urges to hurt myself anymore. For the first how every inch of my body felt and moved. I weighed time, I was actually scared for my life. myself before and after every meal and if I hadn’t lost weight or if I gained weight, I would punish myself with Away from my family and friends, I fought hard to a number of hours I couldn’t eat anything for. I would take my life back. For years, I felt powerless and somewhere sneak into the kitchen at 2 in the morning, eat everything along the way I started believing I wasn’t good enough, that I could and then made myself sick. I would purge after I wasn’t lovable or worthy of anything good. Those feelings eating anything and everything. My knuckles were always caused me to lose everyone I loved, including myself. red and swollen and my voice became hoarse. I started Going into treatment was one of the most terrifying yet losing my hair and my life changing decisions skin was always cold and of my life. My stay there pale. My life turned into was never easy. I was not obsessing over numbers able to use the bathroom “I feel like I have been blessed and negative calorie diets. with the door closed or I would spend hours even flush my own toilet with a second chance at the life on Pro Ana websites, because I wasn’t trusted I have always wanted for myself scrolling through photos alone. I spent a lot of time of extremely thin, sick fighting and screaming and I wake up every day, grateful girls. Then I’d sit in front at the people who were for what life has given me.” of a mirror crying and trying to help me get getting angry at myself, better. I was always stuck telling myself I could do on bedrest, forced to eat better, I could be thinner. six meals a day and I had I was obsessed and slowly to shower with the door killing myself. open. I was always crying and fighting with my dietician over whether one tablespoon or two counted towards my I started working two jobs and I enrolled myself meal plan. I was woken up by a nurse every morning at in school to keep myself busy. I got a job working with a 6 am to take my weight. I got short phone calls with my guy who was constantly asking me out on dates, hugging family and sat through endless hours of therapy. For six me and telling me how beautiful or sexy I was. I always months I fought an inner battle every day on my decision declined his offers but he was very persistent. I was never to choose recovery. Surrendering to treatment was one of really good at standing up for myself or telling people the hardest things I’ve ever done. how I felt, so I did nothing but smile back at his remarks. But one night, I found myself alone with him and what My life has grown in so many ways that I couldn’t happened next, I wish I could forget. I went home and even imagine when I was in the depths of my depression. colored my skin red in the shower trying to get rid of his I feel like I have been blessed with a second chance at the smell and his fingerprints. I was ashamed of myself and life I have always wanted for myself and I wake up every ashamed of my behavior. I realized I needed help or I was day, grateful for what life has given me. I know that I will probably going to die. The next morning, I found myself be in recovery for the rest of my life and that things won’t on the bathroom floor. I wanted so badly to just give up always be great, but I know that I am worthy of life. I but instead I decided to admit myself into a residential often think about all of the things I would have missed treatment center in California. I knew I couldn’t survive out on, had I not woken up that morning. It hurts, but it’s going through something like this again, I needed to be the greatest reminder of how far I have come in my life. somewhere I was safe from myself. Today, I am lying here with my husband, cuddling our baby boy as he’s smiling up at us. My life is blessed and The drive to California felt like the longest better than I ever imagined it could be. Life gets better. I drive of my life. I couldn’t distract myself from the am so happy I am still here to see that. &

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Te aching an d Tr avel i ng MY WAY THROUGH MY TWENTIES WORDS & IMAGES BY LA FREITAS

“Want to come to Brazil with me?” “What, when?“ I was chatting with my boyfriend on the phone and I had casually dropped an invite for him to go on a trip with me. We were fairly new, but the question had slipped out so naturally. “As a trip?” he asked, startling me out of my thoughts. “Sort of…a trip for you and teaching for me,” I replied. I was completing my teaching degree and had one last placement to finish. Given the low prospects of obtaining a traditional teaching job in a public school, my university had offered alternative placements. I was eager for the chance to try something new, especially if it meant the opportunity to travel to another country. “Absolutely!” He exclaimed. At the time I thought I was simply inviting my boyfriend to meet me for a spring break vacation. Little did I know this would be the start of a series of traveling and teaching adventures he and I would embark upon together.

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BRAZIL WAS THE CATALYST that combined my passion for travel with my profession as a teacher. I taught grade ten to twelve Advanced Placement English for a private school in Brasilia. At first there were obstacles to overcome and cultural differences to adjust to. For instance, language barriers, or the overt affection many of the students displayed amongst one another such as braiding each other’s hair in class. Yet, there was much about the experience that did not require any acclimation, like the complimentary lunch buffet which included a variety of traditonal Brazilian food such as rice and beans or fresh fruit and seafood or the courtyardinspired architecture of the building allowing for fresh air and cool breezes to pervade the school.

to go abroad. We settled on England, given we spoke the language and as a part of the Commonwealth, obtaining a work visa was relatively simple. The teacher recruitment agency we signed up with assisted with preparations every step of the way. They even took into consideration my partner’s need for employment and hired him as a full-time Educational Assistant to a young boy with Autism. I worked as a supply teacher and I taught a variety of students in all levels of the elementary school system. This gave me the opportunity to explore as a tourist once my working day was complete. After work my partner and I were eager to tour London and its greater area. We went on invigorating hikes in Epping Forest and scouted out a local coffee shop we became regulars at. On the weekends and during school breaks we traveled across the continent. We were already fortunate to have each other as travel companions but our experience was made even better when our friends joined us on weekend getaways. My partner had a friend from home who was also teaching in London and my best friend was studying abroad in Austria for a semester. One of my favourite memories invloved meeting my friend in Paris for the weekend. Some people get to travel with a best frend or their partner, but I got to do it with both simultaneously, providing me with such an enriching experience.

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While in Brazil my colleague and I went to Rio de Janeiro for our spring break where we met my partner. We stayed with my family friends whose hospitality extended to giving us daily local tours of the city. Rio is a vibrant metropolis and a multicultural hub. Its diverse geography of beach, mountains and rainforest all combine in an urban landscape inspiring spectactular panaromic views from all corners of the city. Prior to traveling to Rio I had asked my family friend if there were volunteer initiatives I could be involved with during my stay. He informed me of the impoverished communities known as the “favelas.” Once in Rio, my partner, colleague, and myself toured one of the largest and most densely populated favelas, “Rocinha.” Many favelas are independently controlled by drug-traffickers but Rocinha had recently been integrated into the rest of the city with the implementation of Pacifying Police Units. This granted us the opportunity to gain insight into how over eleven million Rio civilians live. As a teacher, I was interested in the education system and was startled at the statistics: residents have an average of only 4.1 years of formal education, with less than 1% of Rocinha’s adult population having earned a degree above a high school diploma. It was unsettling facts like these that allowed me to reflect on my educational possibilities and realize my fortunate place in this world. This experience further solidified my calling as an educator and mentor, propelling my desire to learn more about global education.

Throughout our excursions there were many memorable journeys that combined our hobbies and interest in history, including: an informative and elegant wine tour in France where we refined our taste and etiquette, navigating the dense, windy roads of Vienna on foot as we hunted for the café Sigmund Freud was known for regularly frequenting, as well as visiting Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare’s birthplace, and touring his family home. Our trip also called for sombre moments such as our guided visitation of the concentration camp, Dachau. This harrowing experience afforded us the time to pause and reflect on humanity’s dark history. While in Barcelona we were confronted with the complex political tensions dividing the country. Our trip coincided with the apex of the election campaign resulting in heightened friction between Catalan Separatists and its devoted nationalists. Overall, the time I spent teaching and traveling in Europe instilled in me a sense of curiosity and wonder that I have incorporated into my career as an educator. ›

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Upon graduating, both my partner and I were transitioning into our careers, so we decided

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“THIS OPPORTUNITY TO BLEND MY PASSIONS FOR TEACHING AND TRAVELING HAS ALLOWED ME TO FULLY EXPERIENCE THE WORLD.”

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Once I returned home I began to teach in the private school system. This allowed me the opportunity to teach English as a Second Language in China. My school had initiated partnerships with the Chinese educational system, creating bridge programs for those students who were planning to transfer to Canadian high-schools. This gave students the ability to earn credits towards their Ontario high-school diploma, one of them being English as a Second Language. These trips were shorter in duration—one month each—and since they were designated as work trips, I went independently. I taught grades eight to twelve in both Beijing and Shanghai, resulting in an amazing cultural experience. My students were diligent, industrious and polite. They had educational ambitions and were appreciative of the sacrifices their parents had made to send them to Canada.

Guangzhou. Southern China is completely different in landscape from northern China: the area is populated with palm trees and although it was January, the temperature was much warmer than Shanghai. Here, we ate and lived as the locals did, participating in a tour of his uncle’s garment factory topped off with a tradtional Cantonese dinner and Karaoke night. I was extremely grateful to my colleague for letting me share in a memorable experience with his family. Working for a private school provided me the gateway to exploring other avenues related to international teaching. Teaching in China gave me the ability to travel for a shorter duration without making the commitment to move to another country.

Throughout the years I have stayed in fivestar beach-view hotels in Barcelona, shabby, low-rate hostels in Vienna, student residences in Shanghai, to a cozy bungalow in London. This opportunity to blend my passions for teaching and traveling has allowed me to fully experience the world. I have encountered its geography, history, culture, economic, political and educational systems; all of which have provided me with an invaluable curriculum I will cherish forever. At this point I have a couple more years in my twenties to get through, so…where to? &

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While in Shanghai my colleague took the opportunity to visit his family in the southern region of China. He had not seen them since he was eight years old and had asked me come with him. We travelled to Shenzhen through Taishan and took a day trip to

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* Author’s Note: This article is dedicated to the late Alan Travers, former Coordinator of Education Career Services, at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada who introduced me to the rewarding experience of international teaching.

TIPS TO

TEACH INTERNATIONALLY * EMBRACE THE LOCAL CUISINE. Be willing to try new foods. In many countries Western food is difficult to find and typically expensive. Plus, why have a fast-food burger when you can have authentic dim sum in Hong Kong? * BE FLEXIBLE. If you are occasional teaching like I did you need to be open to the fact that you may be travelling to a different school and teaching a different grade every day. Not to mention, you are in another country. These factors can come with their stresses, so having a high adversity quotient is an asset. * PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS. If you are a regimented person who works better in a routine, aim for a long-term occasional contract. That way you know where you are going everyday and who you are teaching. Although you may not have as much time to travel to other cities or countries because of lesson planning and marking, you will be a better teacher and a happier person. * BE FRIENDLY. If you are shy or more introverted it might be difficult for you to meet new people or make friends. Luckily for me my partner is very outgoing and was willing to strike up a conversation with just about anybody. If you do not know it by now, become fluent in small-talkâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;it goes a long way. * NETWORK. This gave me the opportunity to meet countless people, many of whom I am still in touch with today. Some are personal connections that have turned into longdistance friendships and others are career related associates, but all are invaluable. * EXPLORE YOURSELF. Being out of your comfort zone is the best way to test your limits and as a result, grow as an individual. The adventures not only travelling, but teaching can bring, allow you to get to know yourself deeper and learn lessons that last a lifetime. 55 | Issue 08

AD LUNAM A photography project seeking the beauty in loving ourselves.

WORDS & IMAGES BY ELIZABETH MARIE

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“AMO TE AD LUNAM ET RETRO”-“I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK” So many parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, siblings and friends have said these words to one another. I love you so much my heart can’t even describe it--But what about love of self ? To me, the journey of self-acceptance is just as important, if not more so, than love of others. To love yourself first is to give yourself the freedom to love others more openly, honestly and truthfully. When I first started this project, I was looking for a way to express how I felt about self-love, a journey that I believe many women think about and struggle with throughout their lives. It didn’t have a name, but I had a strong idea of what I wanted to stay. However, when I finally decided to embark on this journey, I ran into emotional obstacles right away. I have always struggled with severe social anxiety. So, the idea of reaching out to people who I admired from a distance and thought were beautiful, strong and powerful women, telling them about my project, and then having to photograph them—it all made me feel sick to my stomach. I stayed within my comfort zone for the first few photo shoots I did for this project. Making photographs has always been one of my favorite forms of meditation. I feel like I know what I am doing, I feel like I am strong and smart and talented when I am behind my camera. All of my self-doubt and insecurities go out of the window when I look through my viewfinder. Making these in-camera double exposure portraits was a dream come true for me, even if it was purely for my own entertainment. I enjoyed talking to my friends and taking pretty photos of them, but after a while I felt I was not doing my idea any justice by not pushing myself harder. How could I preach about self-love if I wasn’t practicing it? I needed to take a deep breath and gather my self-confidence to reach out of my safe zone and give my project all of the passion it deserved. A lot easier said than done. Ever since I made that decision to push forward, out of the woods, through the anxiety, I have proven to myself that I can do so in all aspects of my life. I have met and gotten to know so many powerful women—whom I admire and adore. I still struggle with social anxiety quite a bit, but as I get older, I realize that I can and will continue to venture out — inch-by-inch, day-by-day. I have gotten more out of this project that I ever could have imagined I would. And as I continue to grow and create, I look forward to so many more opportunities to help other women realize their potential and to reach for the stars. You yourself deserve as much love and acceptance as anyone else. So, I am here to say: “Amo te ad lunam et retro”… “I love you to the moon and back”. &

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Yoga for Children With a long history working with children, Ashleigh now teaches young kids wellness through yoga.

I BEGAN PRACTICING YOGA in my late teens/early twenties when my Buddhist professor suggested it. I was an undergraduate student at Queenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s University studying Theatre, World Religions and English Literature. My professor of Buddhism suggested that I look into yoga and meditation as part of my Stage practice pre and post performance and ever since then, I have been hooked. I love this practice, a practice that combines the physical, the emotional, the cognitive, the creative and the spiritual aspects of the whole being. This wholistic process of arriving at an intention, offering this intention in thoughts, thoughts then become words, words then become action and action on the mat results in change off the mat. For me, much like theatre it is that process of coming back to what you know and then extending into what you want to know or in down cases might not want to know, but there is an need to understand or pursue. I have worked with children in several capacities over the years as I am a Theater and Dance teacher and artistic director at a secondary school. I continually invite the elementary students into the acting studio for workshops on character, voice, or to watch a young people's theater show, etc. When I was training to be a yoga teacher, I had expressed interest in working with children especially. I felt that it best expressed where I was at that point in my life during that time, when our eldest was 2 years old. I feel that yoga is important at any age, but for children especially because I believe that if we introduce the aspects of wellness at a young age, these brilliant beings will be more likely to develop this awareness and advance their practice physically, mentally, emotionally and spirituality. As part of an assignment during my yoga training, I had written a children's book which led to my yogi immediately inviting me to do further training and eventually,

I developed a program for that studio for children ages two right up to teens. Programs I developed included seasonal yoga, creative yoga, yoga for families, etc. and many of these were developed into lessons that would have an artistic component, a science aspect, and of course asana, which I still develop and implement at Thrive Therapeutics, a wellness clinic and studio in Barrie, Ontario. During this time, I also started my own business which is called Kinesthetic Bodhi; breathe balance be. I decided on this name because it means coming into an awareness through movement. The three most rewarding aspects of my business are making authentic connections with people and witnessing their wellness journey and growing awareness when obtaining these goals; helping others in expected and unexpected ways; and the challenges along the path of learning, there is always something new to explore, always something more to discover, always more ways to apply knowledge. â&#x20AC;ş

WORDS & IMAGES BY ASHLEIGH JEFFREY-PRICE

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Of course, being a business owner comes with its challenges such as striking that balance between home, career, and business; and trying to convince others that when you do what you love and love what you do, it is honestly not “work”. To become a yoga teacher, I started with over 250 hours of Basic Yoga Training. I have also completed other certifications including: Hatha yoga, Vinyasa flow yoga, Children’s/kids yoga, Yoga for the special child, Hot or Lava yoga, Restorative yoga, and some basic Vedic Thai assisted yoga. I’m proudly a member of Canadian Yogi Alliance Gold (CYA RYT Gold) which means that I have over 1,000 hours of experience in yoga instruction. I’ve also spent more than 13 years as a secondary teacher, which has greatly influenced my practice in a studio setting and of course, I draw from these experiences in the kinesthetic classroom. As a yoga teacher, I have had the opportunity to use and teach yoga in many different capacities. In 2009, I started working with Autism Ontario. This project includes programming and implementing yoga for individual children, families, and/or community classes. Projects include one-on-one yoga, whereby I design yoga practices specifically for that child and work with the child oneon-one in a therapy session. I have also worked with families in a private and public setting offering asana, yoga customized for these families. For example, if the family had requested a practice for calming and relaxation, I would work with them to develop this practice that would meet the practice needs and requests of that family. I am in the process of developing an eight week program for children coping with trauma, entitled Rainbow Warriors. I had been asked to develop this program for first responders and children of parents in the forces to better cope with the challenges that this heroic lifestyle presents. I am also working on developing an additional certification for yoga instructors, therapists, teachers and even parents for implementing these yoga techniques for children in a variety of settings. Another project I am passionate about is a second children's book I am working on. The first children’s book I wrote was entitled 'Yoga Mama & Me' inspired by our first born son. I have just completed another book called 'I Wanna Asana' inspired by both of our boys and their approach to yoga. I have recently started to write a poetry book for practice, as well. It is a collection of poems and reflections about yoga and yoga related experiences that practitioners can use for practice or just read and enjoy. As a busy mother, wife, teacher, and yogi, I like to unwind by spending time with my family. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, Bryan, and two sweet boys, Lynden Allarych and Oryn Emmerson. Unwinding also means yoga, of course! Over the last little while, I have been employing a lot more aromatherapy to my practices through the use of essential oils used in a diffuser and topically as well. I also like to do a lot of meditative walks. We live in a beautiful area of Ontario called Horseshoe Valley and our home backs onto a number of trails. I love to explore the woods and witness the changing seasons, the glory that can be witnessed in the sights and scents of nature and the transitions that preset themselves in the changing seasons. Of course, listening to music is a fantastic way to unwind. There is a wonderful piece by Steven Gold called 'So Much Magnificence'. It is a beautiful piece and it is a mantra accompanied by my most favourite instrument, the acoustic guitar. &

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CONTRIBUTE We all have a story to tell. Let us share yours.

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Living in the

TRENCHES WORDS BY ANONYMOUS

“Make sure they never have a reason to leave you”, a sentiment that she has grown up with after being abandoned by her mother as a child. Coping by never letting anyone in to see the real her, a woman grows up showing society the “perfect girl” she thought she was expected to be.

IT’S TAKEN 10 YEARS of living in the aftermath of childhood to be able to reflect, see how it all unfolded, and sit here to tell you this story. It’s important for you to know that this isn’t a success story and this isn’t about how a girl overcame her struggles. This here, this is about a girl still living in the trenches. She made the decision to write during a period of confidence and strength. She makes these decisions and promises atop mountains that she can’t possibly keep when they start crumbling beneath her. When she’s up there though, she is invincible. She has triumphantly survived a difficult childhood speckled with trauma and abuse, a cross-country relocation, a secret wedding and then a secret divorce, another cross-country relocation, and all while climbing to the top of the corporate ladder to land her “dream job”. This girl isn’t just a bad ass, she’s that untouchable girl you follow online, the success story, and the literal highlight reel. The type of girl you could never actually become because she isn’t real. That’s the thing though; she is real, sort of. That girl is me, she’s just not all of me. I was born and raised in one of those cities that people aren’t born and raised in. Sin City is a place that most only dream of and then add it to their bucket list. Those bright lights. The beautiful casinos. The temptations. I grew up in this place with a single parent and in parts of town that only added to the tallies growing against me. I know how 66 | Holl & Lane Magazine

lucky I am to have a father who raised us right. I never got roped (too far) into the shit that could drag me down and hold me back. Don’t be mistaken; I was a really good candidate. What could have happened though really isn’t relevant here because this is the story about what did happen. When I was three years old my mom walked out of my life forever and that action was a catalyst that still defines my life today. A mother walking away from her babies and family isn’t exactly rare, but it’s not typical either. This kind of behavior is rarely a one off, usually a repeated cycle from generation to generation. Growing up, her absence was all I ever really knew. I went about most of my life not being phased by her departure. Can you really blame me? Yeah, I can’t either. Eventually that came to an end, as all blissfully ignorant periods do. Life turned its phasers to stun and oh man did it sting. Worse even was how easily I was able to draw a line to every person, blood or not, that just passed in and out of my life – disappearing, never to be seen again. The darkness was always quick to remind me of this reoccurring theme when things got tough. It took so long for me to see that friends, jobs, experiences, and phases of life are meant to change as you grow. The good things will stick around even if it’s not in the same form anymore. The darkness didn’t care. As I reached my twenties I became very good at the thing that had hurt me the most, leaving. I wish I could say I was oblivious but I could see it even then. ›

“

THROUGH IT ALL SHE’S BEEN HERE WITH ME, THAT BADASS GIRL. PERFECT IS WHAT SHE IS.

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I hadn’t broken the cycle but was stuck right in the middle of it.

to rip this seemingly perfect girl right down the middle.

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Over the next 5 years I would walk away from three close friendships, three romantic relationships, AND my family. I never started with the explicit purpose of running away from my problems but as I’m sure you can guess, that’s exactly what my subconscious was doing. I’ve run over five thousand miles to get away from them and guess what, they are still alive and well inside of me. It wasn’t until after my divorce that I realized how bad the darkness was. I won’t say much about this because that particular part of my life isn’t just my story to tell. During the first ten months of separation I did everything the same way I always had. It was in that eleventh month I was settling into my sixth “home” in four years and straddling the line between breaking my cycle and starting it over again. That was a year and a half ago and I’m still in the deepest trench I’ve come across yet.

I went from being this perfect girl to being two separate people. There is her, the one everyone gets to see. She’s got it all together, she doesn’t have multiple types of anxiety, she doesn’t have crushing panic attacks, and she hasn’t been suffering in a hole of depression for the majority of the last decade. Then there’s me, the girl who does suffer from all of those things and more. She’s the one society approves of. I’m the broken artist trying to break free from this perfect little box she’s locked me in.

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Through it all she’s been here with me, that badass girl. Perfect is what she is. She was a wonderful student, a teachers dream, and in the top of her class. They couldn’t believe she refused to fill out a single college application. What was she thinking? She told them it was money and that was true but it was also indecision. So at eighteen years old she sat in her bedroom trying to start down a path that would get her out of that menial teller job wrecking her soul. Little did she know it would end up being her career… They told her she wasn’t old enough to be a personal assistant. She balked. Didn’t they know how old her soul was? Didn’t they know how hard she would work to be more than her age? She spent the next 6 years working to be older than she was, better than she appeared, and better than everyone else too. It served her well because what had started as a job at some hotel to pay the bills ended up landing her on a path. A path with just the right series of moments and circumstances so that at twenty-six years old she got the dream job assistant to the CEO of a five hundred million dollar company. She’d achieved her goal. Finally, she wasn’t the bottom of the totem pole. There was just one problem. Way back at that menial teller job, something happened

I’m not perfect and I never was. But she never was either. Perfection was the way a child coped with a broken heart and abandoned soul. “Make sure they never have a reason to leave you again,“ the darkness said. I marvel at how long I lived without realizing the stories that were playing out within me. Do you see the beauty in it all? I know now. I can see it now. I may not be able to do anything about it yet but that’s not really how it works, is it? You don’t just heal. Healing is a process. You can’t just magically solve the problem, it is slowly repeated minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month… You get the picture. All of these diagnoses are trenches in my path and sometimes they are small enough to hop over, sometimes they’re not. When life forces me to climb in and make my way through the dark, the process of healing is what gets me through. This process is teaching me that she isn’t different, she isn’t unobtainable, and she isn’t going anywhere; she is just another facet of me. We aren’t two separate girls and she isn’t perfect just like I’m not broken.

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I will say this much, if only I knew then what I know now. With every stereotypical learning experience there is a cliché realization - everything happens for a reason. It took every single thing that has happened in my life to get me here. It may be a place of struggle and constant failure but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m on the cusp of something good. &

NETWORK

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Making Room WORDS BY ALAINA ISBOUTS // IMAGES BY MONET NICOLE MOUTRIE

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THESE DRAWERS ARE OVERFLOWING with stuff. Toothbrushes still in their boxes, travel sized shampoo bottles, samples of cosmetics, shower caps. I know it’s in here somewhere. I only used the one. Pushing aside half-used mini bottles of shampoo and travel sized tissues, I find the box. A side is ripped open, the instructions crumpled up and shoved in the bottom of the box. There’s one test inside. I pull it out. There’s no way that it’s going to be positive. It took us two and a half years, months of fertility testing and a prescription for Clomid before I got pregnant last time. There’s no way it’s going to be positive. How could we have done it without planning? While I was nursing? Before we were ready? I sit down. Pee on the stick. My hands aren’t shaking. I know it’s not going to be positive. There are a million other explanations for the symptoms I’m experiencing. I only got my period back two months ago and my cycle has been anything but regular. There’s no way. I put the cap on the test and set it on the side of the tub. I turn around to the sink and squeeze the toothpaste onto my toothbrush. In our bedroom, I hear the sound of our toddler laughing in bed with his dad. It’s only been a few seconds, but I put the toothbrush in my mouth and turn around to see the test anyway. There are already two bright blue lines in the window of the test. ›

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I trip over yet another plastic ball, rolling around our uneven hardwood floors. Our house, my dream house, is well over a hundred years old. It’s bigger than most houses in our neighborhood, but it’s not big by normal American house standards. We have a spare room.

chasing of a toddler who is getting molars. Who got in his molars and is now getting incisors. It never ends. Lately he constantly wants his dad. I’m no longer a fun mom at this stage. I can’t get down on my hands and knees for more than a few minutes to roll trucks. There are no more piggy back rides. I can’t rock him to sleep in my arms, bend over and lay his resting body in his crib. My growing stomach and the baby inside get in the way.

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Correction. We had a spare room. Now we are tasked with turning it into a baby’s room. Or transitioning our toddler to the spare room, which would be a big boy room, and keeping the nursery for the new baby. Our living room doubles as a play room. A big black and white striped teepee stands in the corner, as a semiattractive and acceptable way to house my son’s toys. Stuffed animals, puzzles, blocks and balls are constantly taken out of the teepee and thrown back in on a steady rotation all day long. A puzzle gets dumped out. I kick a ball back in. A teddy bear is pulled out by his arm. I toss a stuffed dinosaur in. All day long. The living room is in the same space as our dining room, the only place to eat in the house. We try to keep the areas separate, but things bleed over. Chair legs run into blocks under our dining room table.

I look down at my belly. There is no room.

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I can’t see the living room from my kitchen. Cooking is a constant dance. Chop, and peek out and check on the toddler. Stir, and peek out of the door. Sauté, peek. Defrost, peek. The baby in my swelling belly kicks. I look around the house. There is no room.

It hurts to roll over. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way my pelvis, my hips, my entire region between by belly button and the tops of my thighs aches constantly. There’s no pivoting. I can hardly bend over. I’m sleeping on my side exclusively — I can’t breathe for more than 30 seconds when I lay down on my back — and so I rotate sides throughout the night. Back and forth. Left and right. Towards my husband and away. This shifting of weight takes it’s toll on my bones. They ache with the weight of the baby, the fluid, the extra blood volume, everything that I’m holding in these days. It feels like I’m holding in more every day.

His bag is mostly packed. I’ve been waiting for this day for months now, and tried to prepare as best as I could. There are already pajamas in there, and a couple outfits. Now, at the last minute, I throw in what I couldn’t pack before. His pillow with the cloud pillowcase. The pacifiers he’s still obsessed with, his favorite yellow ones. His blankie. I pick it up and inhale the scent of him before folding it up gently and putting it in his suitcase. As I bend over, another contraction washes over me. I close my eyes and breathe. I can feel a lump forming in my throat. When he comes back he will be a big brother. Back downstairs, he’s ready to go. His dad has him zipped up in his coat and his hat is on, sagging to one side as usual. I ask my mom to take one last picture of the three of us before she takes the toddler to her house for the next couple days. I smile easily, my eyes glassy. It’s going to be ok, I remind myself. She snaps the picture, says she’ll text it to me, and heads out the door with my baby. My first born. My husband is behind her with his car seat, and they are all outside securing it. Another contraction hits and I lean over, head pressed against the cold December air on the other side of the window. I gaze outside at my little boy. My big boy, now.

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I get up and waddle to the bathroom. It’s probably the third time tonight, and hopefully the last before the toddler wakes up. Hopefully he gets up after the sun. It’s getting harder. The settling in to the new house, the finding places and spaces for everyone’s belongings. The 72 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Within two hours, I am bending over the counter stool in my kitchen. My husband is calling our midwife, and they are agreeing it’s time. We are each half an hour out from the birth center, and with rush hour traffic, we all need to get a move on. I grab my bag that’s been packed since the afternoon. My husband helps me put on my shoes. I bundle up in a fleece blanket and slowly make my way to the Subaru in our garage. He’s opening the door for me, lying the passenger seat all the way back, and putting my body pillow inside for me to use with each contraction. It’s all I can do to not ask him to lift me into the car. And we are off, my birth playlist drifting through the speakers. I grip my husband’s hand through contractions. I try to remember to breathe. I concentrate on the music, breathe in the words, remind myself that this is good, this is normal, this is happening and I can handle it. ›

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE But then something inside me breaks. A contraction ends, and I picture my little boy, rolling his suitcase to the front door today, ready to spend the night at his grammy’s house. My heart… it’s too full. There is no room. I wonder how we will make room, let another one in. My love for him takes up every fiber of my being, this love that only a mother knows. How will I do this again? How will I fit more in? Give more of myself to another tiny human, when I feel like I’m not even giving myself enough?

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The water is hot, and for that I am thankful. I press my legs as hard as I can against each side of the triangular-shaped tub. I look at the faces in front of me, all blurry. My mother. My midwife. The nurse for our baby. I feel my husband’s supportive arms behind me, lifting me up, as I push. My eyes close and I bear down, pushing as hard as I can, and in minutes he’s there. My body feels a rush of relief and emotion as his small, soft body is pulled out of the water and placed on my chest. And instantly it’s grown. Our family. My heart. It’s as if he’s never not been there, this small, yet-to-be-named baby. We find the room. In our hearts, in our lives. Just as we’ve done before. Left the toosmall house that we adored and found a bigger house in a newer neighborhood. Just as my body has done before, stretched until it could stretch no more, as evidenced by the scars on my soft belly. We always do. & 73 | Issue 08

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A surprise love of homeschooling. WORDS & IMAGES BY KATE STUTZ

"Will you be returning next year with us?" "I'm not sure...I'll have to get back to you." "Please make it soon! We're eager to give him a spot here!"

and we have gotten into the nuances of each others personalities. I can read them better simply through facial expressions and a change in their tone. I can pick up a mood change more quickly and helping with behavior has been a lifesaver. We always have time to take a break when we need to.

THE CONVERSATION ENDED, but my head was soon flooded with questions as to what I was actually going to do the following week. It was an important decision--my son's spot at "the best" private school in our area. Would he be attending next year? Ultimately, I decided not, and the finalization of that decision was a catalyst to yet another layer of our self-sustainable lifestyle--homeschooling.

Rushing around is a thing of the past. In the previous years at brick-and-mortar schools, we hit the ground running in the mornings. It was a rush to eat breakfast, get dressed, and get to school on time. Each morning was wrestling with two active little boys that didn't exactly know how to do it all themselves, so it took a lot of work, and there were some tears when they didn't want to put their toys down to head out. I did a lot of driving between drop off and pickup, and the constant rush and go-go-go ended up feeling out of control by the end of the year. The idea of where we had to be "next" became a stressor for everyone.

Homeschooling seemed incredibly foreign and unusual to me, until I considered our family's already nontraditional lifestyle. My husband is military and tours often. We both work from home, and do small sustainable farming in our small city garden. Considering homeschooling started to seem like the next step in the lifestyle we were leaning towards. As I took the leap and dove into this different form of education, I learned an incredible amount about my sons and their interests, and also my capability. Of course no life-changing event is without its ups and downs, but I'm happy to say that this change of homeschooling has had benefits that completely outweigh the drawbacks. I traded all my personal time and the ease of someone else teaching reading for benefits I never even anticipated. Many people don't know about these benefits; they are something that you may not know exist until you tap into them yourself. The bonding with my sons has been immeasurable and incredibly welcomed. We've got a stronger bond through the learning trials and errors,

We spend time learning things they are truly interested in. They have learned to be interested in documentaries, and learn from them in a comfortable environment. There are no bullying programs necessary. If there's a dispute between two children, one mom will come up to the other and say "Can we talk?" and then after the discussion there are apologies, making up, and everyone continues to monitor the interactions. The problem literally gets solved in twenty minutes - no conferences or counselors needed. We have so much more time together as a family. There is no more running around for school drop offs, and we don't waste time with homework because we've already finished our work. â&#x20AC;ş

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The boys no longer have to deal with a teacher that doesn't understand them. Previously, at brick and mortar schools, we've had teachers that we've adored, and teachers that they didn't click with. There are a variety of teachers in all schools. There are some teachers that bring in their old clothes to share with the girls who are in need. There are some teachers who keep pop-tarts in their desks for students who come in hungry. Unfortunately, I also know some teachers who play favorites, and prefer students based on student clubs, sports, and even academic ability. Some people may argue that it's not teaching them how to deal with someone they don't like, but my response is that they need to know that they have the ability to change their environment. Sticking them with a teacher that they don't see eye-to-eye with can disengage their interests, set them back, and they are stuck dealing with this for an entire year. In the adult world, if you don't like your boss, you have the ability to find a new job, or start your own business. Both my husband and I have done this as a result of wanting our freedom and the ability to be our own boss. I want our boys to know that the same option is available for them, and it's not just a dead-end road when they are facing something that isn't working out for them. "That's just how it is" isn't a phrase that's used in our household. You have the ability and power to change if you have the strength and will to do it.

Our family outings are more fun, and we take a variety of field trips together. When I first heard about home school, the word "home" rooted in my mind, and I was turned off because I loved going out. I didn't realize how much we would be learning outside the home. Not only can I hold class myself wherever we are, but there are a variety of classes offered at local education centers that are sometimes free or very low cost. For example, the last time we were at a local greenhouse, they had ice cream for sale. I knew that we had reading lessons to get through, so we sat at one of their cafe tables and had ice cream while we worked on our lesson. A favorite place of ours to go for classes is Jenning's Nature Reserve - one of Pennsylvania's State Parks. Most state parks offer classes regarding Maple Sugaring, Bird Migration, Weather and Climate Studies, and butterflies, just to name a few. Tapping into this resource has been fun and interesting, especially with two little boys that love to be outside.

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Being self-employed and both of us working from home, our boys get to witness and experience work life at a very young age. When I was young, we could participate in "Take Your Child to Work Day", but with them, they have it everyday. Our hope is to instill this hearty work ethic and passion for what you love into the boys at a young age, so they know they can chase their dreams, and that we can provide a stable foundation for them to build upon. â&#x20AC;ş

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Not only have my boys become closer with each other and better friends, but their circle of friends is so much wider than just their peer age. The aren't made to sit with a class of kids their age at a lunch table, they play with other families, which includes siblings of all ages. Interaction with adults is also more frequent as with field trips and gatherings, all the children's caretakers and parents are present. Instead of just having interactions with parents and teachers, it's in a more relaxed setting and casually speaking to adults about interests, instead of just answering questions and getting onto the next class. The boys have learned to help out "the littles" as they get bored easily and try to keep up with the bigger kids, and they've also learned to love following the teenagers around, learning new things about their iPads and talking about movies.

of sleep. Waking my child up at 6am to rush him out the door isn't something I was thrilled about. Another element of physical health is the food and snacks they are fed. It's much easier to feed them healthy, organic meals and snacks when I can prepare it for them right before they eat it. The apples don't brown and the grilled cheese is still gooey. They also receive more frequent snacks during the day than traditional schools, and this is also crucial to growing children who require more nutrients more often. Taking care of their bodies is just as important as taking care of their minds. I've learned to adapt to their learning styles and preferences. My oldest child stands to do everything. He plays video games standing up. He watches tv standing up. He also does all of his handwriting and math pages standing up. My youngest does best when he's allowed to take frequent breaks, and has a glass of water at his side. Most of our reading is done under cozy blankets in the middle of winter. Making learning comfortable as well as doable is important.

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Physical health and nurturing is incredibly important for every child. By eliminating the "sitting in the classroom" factor, their playtime and in turn, activity, has grown exponentially. We're fortunate enough to belong to a group that hosts home school gym once a week for three hours. This is a mountain of difference compared to a short gym class and a twenty minute recess. Also dealing with physical health is the concept of a good night's sleep. I truly believe that sleeping as much as possible is healthy for tiny, growing bodies. Your body grows and heals itself during the deepest stages

I know this lifestyle isn't for everyone, but for us, it's been a game changer. Our lives have changed for the better, I'm so glad I took a chance on something that I never guessed I would do. Learning about your own strengths and capabilities can be a beautiful surprise. &

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Living the nomadic lifestyle INTERVIEW BY SARAH HARTLEY // WORDS & IMAGES BY LINDA MURPHY

When we first learned about Linda and her husband, Tyler, leaving everything behind to travel the world, you could say we were a bit more than intrigued. The idea of leaving “real life” behind to experience things that many of us won’t is the stuff of dreams. So we caught up with Linda while they were stationed in Malaysia to ask our most burning travel abroad questions.

Q: In 2015 you started traveling the world. Why did you decide to travel? How long do you plan to spend abroad? Did you have to give up a job or apartment or your belongings before leaving? The wheels of full-time travel were set in motion years ago, when Tyler and I first met. We had both grown up traveling and were eager to spend our lives exploring the world. Besides just having an innate curiosity about the diversity of beauty on this planet, we also believe traveling connects you with humanity and pushes you to further levels of self-development. However, we had very different visions of how a life devoted to travel would play out. Tyler wanted to spend a few years in each place: settling in,

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getting a job, establishing a community. I wanted to have an intense period of time where the primary focus was immersing myself in the travel experience. It was an expat versus backpacker mindset. As we approached our first anniversary in 2014, we settled on a good compromise. We would set aside a few of the remaining years in our twenties to travel around the world, one year in each place. Besides the savings we’d accrued through careful planning, and the sale of most of our belongings and our beloved first home, we planned to get jobs in each place. We resolved to work only jobs we truly enjoyed, and just enough to support ourselves as we traveled. Q: How long have you been traveling now and where have you gone? That summer of 2014, we packed all the stuff we had left and drove to Anchorage, Alaska for our first year of travel. While this wasn’t technically out of the country, it was an adventure all its own. We spent a year there both working part-time at bakeries and exploring as much of the wild Last Frontier as possible. The next summer, we repeated the selling, packing, and driving across the country and ended up in Philadelphia, boarding a plane for our first international leg of our journey. ›

By this time, we’d abandoned the idea of staying in one place for a whole year, opting instead to try a slighter faster style of travel for year two. We spent about five months in Europe visiting Switzerland, France, Italy, Germany, the Czech Republic, England, and Ireland. This January, we left Europe and headed around the globe to SE Asia, landing in Malaysia where we’ve been thoroughly enjoying life ever since.

of animals from cats to laying hens, and we’ve enjoyed a variety of home settings from an old English cottage to a modern townhouse. While a small minority of housesits pay in monetary compensation, we have only chosen jobs with free housing and consider this a mutually beneficial arrangement.

make sure to vary our schedules to make room for both our preferences. Q: Often when we think of traveling the globe, we see dollar signs. How did you prepare for such a long, and seemingly pricey, trip?

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Q: While traveling, you often house sit in the cities. How do you find these opportunities? How long do you usually stay? How does this work?

Q: You posted on your blog about having just “One Friend” while traveling. What is the most difficult part of traveling to new places with just your husband for company? How do you keep it from becoming a problem or getting on one another’s nerves?

Housesitting is one of the most curiosity-provoking aspects about our lives, and it never fails to start conversations wherever we go! People are fascinated with the idea that Tyler and I stay for free during most of our travels abroad. In short, we belong to a website community of house sitters and homeowners. We pay for a membership and have a profile and list of references. When a homeowner posts a job that looks attractive, we apply— along with dozens of others— and hope to be selected. We go through a selection process including an interview. We have chosen to apply for longer housesits because we enjoy getting settled in and getting to know a community. Our housesits have ranged from one week to two months, but on average we stay 3-5 weeks. We’ve watched over a myriad

Having only “One Friend” while traveling has certainly been the biggest challenge. Back home, we were a very social couple and we loved hosting dinner parties at home or going out on adventures with friends. We’ve really missed having a community to gather around, engage with, and support us. While this has been a really trying year for us relationally, I have seen growth like never before in our communication and patience with one another. Honestly, I think it will be difficult when we settle somewhere again and I’m separated from Tyler during the day! We do everything together and I have grown really accustomed to having him around 24/7. I think we manage this because we have always been good friends above anything else, we share in each other’s interests as much as possible, and we

We think it’s absolutely possible to afford any dream, it just takes prioritizing and a lot of work. We are both really passionate about personal financial freedom and management. Tyler was lucky enough to make it through university without debt, and I paid off $30,000 of student loans in the year and a half before we were married. After we were at a zero debt sum— not counting our mortgage— we began setting aside travel savings every month during our first year of marriage. Eventually, we also sold our house, both our cars, and most of our belongings in order to take the big leap abroad. We are willing to live on less because seeing new places is the goal, not living luxuriously. To give you an idea of what that actually means, we spent less than $5,500 total for five months of travel to and in Europe. That is about $20/day for each person! We worked for free housing during most of our trip, we cooked at home instead of eating out about half the time, and I cut my shopping habit out completely. Although there have been some tough days - I would say it’s been totally worth it in the end. We’ve had an amazing time. ›

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Q: What is the first thing you do when you get to a new city? How do you determine what to see and do while you’re in a new place? Do you ever have days where you just stay in and watch TV or are you constantly on the go to soak up every possible minute? I’m going to play it straight and let you in on the notso-secret truth: we stay in and watch tv all the time and aren’t even ashamed of it! But I’ll start at the beginning. The first thing we do in a new city is settle in at our new house. Tyler and I have coined the term “homebody traveler”. We truly enjoy jet-setting off to new countries and exploring different cultures, but most of the time, we like to live quiet, normal lives. We like to wake up and make our own cup of coffee, sit on the porch for breakfast, walk down the street to the neighborhood grocer, come home to cook dinner in our own kitchen, and close the day on the couch binge-watching our newest tv obsession. So everywhere we go, we try to be locals as much as possible, and that begins with getting settled from the very start. But after that, I would say our first stop is generally food. The more authentic, the better. We prefer to wander around by foot and happen across interesting things— as opposed to seeking them out— but we’re not above packing in a day of very touristy sight-seeing as well!

Q: In your travels, you must’ve seen some amazing things- tell us three of your very favorites.

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From the beginning, Alaska blew us away for sure. The word “vast” doesn’t even come close to describing it. It was stunning in the winter, but going out backpacking, fishing, and exploring in the summer was where we really fell hard for this remote state. This fall, we started our trip in Switzerland and going to the small mountain town of Adelboden was like being transported to another reality. Finally, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia may not be a spectacular sight, but we have had some of the best food of our trip here. It is such a melting pot of Asian cultures that you can have Indian food for breakfast, Malaysian food for lunch, and one of the greatest American burgers of your life for dinner. Plus a Nutella milkshake.

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Q: How do you keep from feeling homesick?

We don’t! Feeling homesick is part of the travel lifestyle. For some people, it’s a constant nagging feeling that can easily dampen the mood daily. For other people, like ourselves, homesickness comes and goes and is both triggered and appeased by things you run into that remind you of home. Here in Malaysia, seeing darkskinned, mustached men— even if they’re Asian— makes me think of my Latino father. And that usually makes me sad. But then the tropical foliage and cement buildings remind me of childhood trips to Peru, and that somehow brings a comforting familiarity. I think the things that have helped us proactively deal with homesickness the most are: acknowledging to each other from the start of the trip that there would be hard isolating moments ahead and keeping in touch via FaceTime with our parents and some siblings and friends.

Q: After your travels abroad are over, what’s next? Will you have jobs to come home to? From the start, we planned to travel for three to four years. We are about halfway through year two of travel now, and next year we intend to return to our original form of travel by staying and working in one city for the entirety of year three. The current plan is to stay somewhere here in Asia where I can finally use my Bachelor’s degree in TESOL. After that, we are totally open. We think we’ll probably be ready to stop the nomad life after three years of travel, returning to the States to look for a warm, internationally diverse place to live. We don’t have jobs lined up for when we return, but we are each pursuing fields that we really love even while traveling. For me, that is writing (and hopefully teaching next year), and for Tyler it’s financial planning and investing. ›

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Q: What has been your favorite city so far and why?

I’m so glad you asked “why” because I think each traveler prioritizes something different when ranking favorites. For me, it’s “where could I feel at home living longterm?” and London definitely hit the mark for me. From the old architecture to the parks everywhere, I loved it! For Tyler, finding something totally unique is the most important factor. Prague was his favorite city; it looked like it had been lifted out of a fairy tale painting! 80 | Holl & Lane Magazine

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Q: What three pieces of advice would you give to someone looking to do this same thing? 1. It’s totally doable; it’s all about priorities. Determine your life priorities. If travel is one of those priorities, some other things may need to be reordered to allow travel to be the focus. You might have to pick the cheaper lease on the condo without a pool. On the flip side, you might have to get out of your comfort zone and go to a meet-up of expats in your city. In the end, it’s all about priorities. 2. Be honest about your feelings. Research and ask questions of people who have already done the type of traveling you desire to do. Be honest with yourself— and if traveling with a partner, definitely with them!— about what your expectations are for your trip. This will help guide and ground you. You might decide you want to pack in ten experiences each day, or you might find you like taking it slow and sleeping in ‘til ten each morning. You travel, check in often to ask if your expectations are being met, if they’re reasonable, if you need to make any changes.

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3. Be flexible and creative. Plans will change, and spirits can stay high if you just learn to roll with it. Along with that, be creative about how you travel. You might have only ever stayed at a hotel, but be flexible and consider an AirBnB. Or, get really creative and look up other options… it might lead to something like housesitting! You’ll be glad you started from an open-minded place, and this creativity may even save you some dollars! &

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POSTCARDS FROM COLORADO SPRINGS

HELEN HUNT FALLS A waterfall located in the North Cheyenne CaÃ±on Park, you can hike over the falls and a short distance of about 2/3 of a mile on a moderately steep trail through the forest area. Whether there is sun, snow, fog, or even on a dreary day, going to Helen Hunt Falls will lift your spirits.

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WORDS & IMAGES BY MONICA GILLIAM

THE BROADMOOR Located near the foothills of the Rockies, it is a hotel and resort in the Old Broadmoor neighborhood of Colorado Springs. It offers a unique way to experience the luxurious side of the city with retail shops, day spa, pools, tennis courts and golf. There are so many elements to the Broadmoor that it makes for a perfect spot for fun and relaxation.

PIKES PEAK COG RAILWAY If you want a view of Colorado Springs from the clouds, then hop on the Pikes Peak Cog Railway as it climbs 14,115ft to the top of Pikes Peak. When the weather is clear you can see from Colorado Springs, all the way to the sky scrapers of Denver.

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MESA OVERLOOK This local favorite spot is where you get to take in an incredible view of the landscape that includes Pikes Peak of the southern Front Range of the Rocky Mountains, along with the bright red rocks of Garden of the Gods, to compliment it.

CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN ZOO What makes this zoo so unique is that it is Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only mountain zoo. It is snuggled right into the side of Cheyenne Mountain, in Colorado Springs. Along with all the gorgeous creatures they have to see and experience, hand-feeding the giraffes are a favorite. The Sky Ride will take you further up the mountain in a chair lift, which is another unique way to see some of the animals.

OLD COLORADO CITY Old Colorado City is a historical district with art galleries, restaurants with delicious foods, specialty shops and boutiques all within a quarter-mile so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s perfect for walking. The small town feel right outside busy Downtown Colorado Springs, makes it a really cool experience.

GOLD CAMP ROAD For anyone who craves adventure and wants to experience a drive through the Rocky Mountains, Gold Camp Road is perfect! Starting out on Old Stage Road in Colorado Springs, it will turn into Gold Camp Road and will lead you 30 miles down a dirt road through the mountains with such beautiful scenery and if you follow it all the way, it will lead you to the historic mining town of Victor. There are so many places you will want to pull over for pictures on this drive.

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GARDEN OF THE GODS A registered National Landmark and free public park, this place is great because there is always an adventure to be had here. Beautiful red rock formations, hiking trails, rock climbing, and a perfect place to picnic among the amazing scenery and wildlife. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the most popular stop in town and is best in the evening because as the golden sun goes behind the mountains, it can cast vivid colors across the sky.

HOT AIR BALLOONS Driving in the early morning hours, you can spot hot air balloons scattered in the sky, toward the south end of the city. May through October, you can book a hot air balloon flight and if you are lucky enough to be in Colorado Springs on Labor Day weekend, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got to experience the hot air balloon festivities at Memorial Park.

DOWNTOWN COLORADO SPRINGS Downtown has so much to offer, including locally-owned restaurants that have a wide variety of cuisine, unique stores and art galleries. The night life in Downtown Colorado Springs is energetic and exciting. Whether you are in the mood for an Irish pub or a rooftop bar overlooking the city, you will find a great time here.

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB.

AMY COOK, Books Wife and mother by day, nerdy bookworm by night. Her superpower is substitute teaching preschoolers. Lover of wine, literature, pie, and all things Gone With The Wind. instagram.com/amy1939

ERICA MUSYT, Movies Erica is a 30-something Virginia native who is passionate about family, friends, and the movies! She buys books faster than she reads them, loves ladybugs and all things purple. A movie star at heart, Erica is delighted to be a contributor to the Holl and Lane movie section! lookingtothestars.com

MICAH CHAPLIN, Music By day, Micah works in the insurance industry, but sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also a part-time librarian and bartender. She is an author and blogger with a passion for baseball, music, and craft beer. A native Iowan, she goes to more concerts than movies and occasionally serves as merch girl for musicians passing through her city. unabashedly--me.blogspot.com KELLY AGNEW, Recipes Millennial, yoga enthusiast, flexitarian, healthy eater and exercise addict. Kelly is a marketer by day and a lifestyle blogger by night. She is passionate about inspiring women to take control of their lives by balancing nutrition, exercise and general well-being. She shares her stories in hopes to inspire others to live holistically and fully. kmnutritionandwellness.com

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CATHERINE SHORT, Recipes

Lifestyle blogger, full-time adventurer and amateur baker. In her blog, a short blonde, she shares musings on life, style, adventures in gluten-free baking and beyond. She strives to live more graciously than yesterday and to grow in her faith each day. For Catherine, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important to stretch her mind, travel far and always have a stash of dark chocolate. ashortblonde.com CHRISTINE SIMARD, Recipes

Originally from Ottawa, Canada, now living with her husband in San Francisco, California. She earned her certification in the Pastry Arts at the San Francisco Cooking School and trained in a California-style restaurant. With a desire to spread her knowledge and love of food, she teaches kids and adults how to cook fun and healthy meals on a budget. gourmetine.com

JOYCE MAC Recipes

Joyce loves that wow factor that pastries and sweets get at first sight. Originally from Sydney, Australia, she trained in the arts of patisserie and baking in Chicago. Her main focus in the food world is transforming edible desserts into magnificent artworks, and her inspiration comes from her love for travel, flowers and colors. instagram.com/figmentbelly

JESS TURNER Recipes

Food and Wellness blogger. In her blog she shares her low FODMAP, alkali and allergy friendly recipes. A keen traveller Jess has worked in London, Hong Kong and now lives in San Francisco. She is passionate about delicious food and is training to become a Nutritionist consultant to inform her interest in healthy eating for the individual. www.cravinggoodness.com

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HOLL & LANE PHOTOGRAPHERS FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB.

NICOLE BEDARD Photographer

Nicole is a Commercial, Editorial and Lifestyle Photographer focusing on Family and Children. She began her photography career in the sports/fitness industry, which has provided her a unique skill set to capture quick playful moments and fun facial expressions of energetic little ones. nicolebedardphotography.com

MOLLY WANTLAND Photographer

Molly is a family and portrait photographer in Middle Tennessee, with a love for family, friends, and Oldies music. Her intent in each session is to photograph real personalities, genuine emotions, and those ‘small moments’ that make life so sweet! simplyMphotography.com

JACKY MITRIUS Photographer

Jacky is a Los Angeles-based natural light lifestyle photographer who specializes in candid family photography. Her images reflect the genuinely loving, spontaneous, and perfectly imperfect moments in life, and her documentary-style photos preserve what makes each family special. howlandrose.com

ANDREA COAN Photographer

Based in Seattle, WA, Andrea Coan is an adventure-seeking photographer in every way. She documents the unexpected details whether it’s the garnish atop a renowned chef ’s dish or the spanning beauty of isolated landscapes in Iceland. Andrea keeps it simple, capturing each moment in its purest form. andreacoan.com

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GRACIE ALMAGUER Photographer

Based in Fresno, CA, Gracie is an 18 year old photographer of life, love, and everything in between. Striving to create images that people will admire for generations, she is inspired by each and every client that she is blessed to work with. graciellamarie.com

GENESIS GEIGER Photographer

Genesis is a lifestyle and natural light photographer currently roaming Cincinnati, OH. In her work, she is moved by the quiet moments that sometimes go unnoticed, determined to capture the details that can get lost in the excitement, and completely captivated by the love that can be shared among humanity. Through it all, Genesisâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; passion is to freeze time and bring people together through her work. genesisgeiger.com JESSI CHAPMAN Photographer

Jessi is a lifestyle & fashion photographer based out of Oklahoma City. Her goal with each session is to capture her clientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most beautiful self. instagram.com/jessi.chapman

MADELINE MULLENBACH Photographer

Madeline is based in Louisville, Ky and attending school in Lexington, Ky. She has a passion for capturing the candid moments that are given to us in life. She is a lifestyle & landscape photographer experimenting with portraits just recently! She is pursuing a degree in Communications with a double emphasis in PR and Social Media and is excited to see where this takes her! instagram.com/madelinemullenbach

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ISSUE CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB. Editorial Contributors ALAINA ISBOUTS soalaina.com ALEXANDRA RUYTER erinavenue.com AMY COOK instagram.com/amy1939 ANASTASIA AMOR anastasiaamour.com ASHLEIGH JEFFERY-PRICE kinestheticbodhi.wix.com/mysite CAITLIN LINDQUIST thedashofdarling.com CAROLINE KLEMP instagram.com/klemp89 CATHERINE SHORT ashortblonde.com CHRISTINE SIMARD gourmetine.com DANA FOX thewonderforest.com ELIZABETH MARIE elizamariephotos.com ELIZABETH SILVA mostlyforkeeps.com ERICA MUSYT lookingtothestars.com HOPE ELIZABETH instagram.com/hopestopsby

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JOYCE MAC instagram.com/figmentbelly KATE STUTZ katestutz.com KELLY AGNEW kmnutritionandwellness.com JERROD NIEMANN jerrodniemannofficial.com JESS TURNER cravinggoodness.com LA FREITAS instagram.com/LA_Freitas1

Photo Contributors COVER PHOTO - NICOLE BEDARD nicolebedardphotography.com PAGE 09 - GRACIE ALMAGUER graciellamarie.com PAGE 15 - GENESIS GEIGER genesisgeiger.com PAGE 28 - ANDREA COAN andreacoan.com PAGE 40 - GENESIS GEIGER genesisgeiger.com

LINDA MURPHY thewildrumorblog.com

PAGE 65 - MADELINE MULLENBACH instagram.com/madelinemullenbach

MIA SUTTON thechroniclesofchaos.com

PAGE 69 - JESSI CHAPMAN instagram.com/jessi.chapman

MICAH CHAPLIN unabashedly--me.blogspot.com

PAGE 86 - ANDREA COAN andreacoan.com

MOLLY WANTLAND simplyMphotography.com

PAGE 88 - MOLLY WANTLAND simplyMphotography.com

MONET NICOLE MOUTRIE monetnicole.com/ MONICA GILLIAM facebook.com/ fourwillowsphotography SARAH HARTLEY sarahhartley.net SHELBY LARIOS instagram.com/youmeandleo

5 QUESTIONS WITH

DAN A F OX Dana Fox is the creator and business babe behind the wildly popular blog, Wonder Forest. Started in 2011, Wonder Forest is a place for creativity, business tips, and inspiration. Dana helps other business owners with brand identity and making their online spaces beautiful. thewonderforest.com

1. If you could relive any moment from your past, what would it be? There are so many moments I wish I could relive! I would go back to my early 20’s, when I used to follow bands around with my group of girl friends. We always had so much fun together and have way too many memories to count from those times. 2. What is one talent you don’t have but wish you did? I wish that I could pick out and style outfits flawlessly like others can. Getting dressed seems to come so naturally for some, but for me it always seems like such a struggle! I can stand in my closet for 20 minutes just staring at my clothes and not knowing what to pair with what, and I’m sure some of my past choices have been questionable. I tend to get frustrated and just end up in a hoodie by the end of it all! 3. What is the most important characteristic in another person to you? Honesty is probably one of the top characteristics I look for in someone. I’ve always believed that if everyone was just straight up with one another, we would save so much time and drama. I always try to be open and to-the-point with my friends and family and in relationships, and it’s refreshing to find others who do the same. If one can’t be honest, I’d rather not waste my time and energy on them. 4. What is one material thing you cannot live without? I’m sure I could manage to live without material things if I absolutely HAD to, but my phone is a pretty important piece of my life! If I couldn’t check up on people or use any of my daily apps, I might just go a little crazy. 5. What is true happiness to you? Being confident in the decisions I’ve made and always having something to reach for. I thrive off of new ideas and dedicating my creativity to something is the ultimate happiness to me!

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