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JACKED… IN A BOX
THE Skier GUIDE TO Wine Appreciation BY PENNY BUSWELL Skier CaberBak's even come with instructions! Grove photo
since skiers first carried fermented fruit juice in animal skins—or botas. (Didn’t they find some frozen Neolithic guy in a glacier who was carrying a wineskin?) At any rate, drinking wine was a smart alternative to the Mammoth-dung-filled glacial water readily available when skiing during the Pleistocene. By drinking wine, early skiers avoided the dangers of such contaminated water, which was known to cause nausea, vomiting, slurred speech, confusion, loss of inhibition and make Neanderthals seem attractive. But as skiing became more extreme, skiers evolved— which, as demonstrated during the freestyle revolution of the 1970s, meant they needed more wine. CamelBak’s hydration systems offered a solution in 1989, allowing skiers to conveniently consume wine—handsfree for safety—while skiing. But skiing has evolved once again: the trails are longer, the lifts faster and the lineups far gnarlier. With the sport having once again outgrown its wine delivery system, Skier scientists have leapt ahead of manufacturers to develop a new way to carry and consume your stash of cabernet sauvignon: the CaberBak skiing and wine have enjoyed happy codependence
BUILDING YOUR CABERBAK You will need: • 1 standard CamelBak bladder • 1 medium-sized backpack • 1 4-litre box of cabernet (any full-bodied red is OK; white, not so much) • a sharp blade • duct tape
Step 1: Take a useless two-litre CamelBak bladder and cut off the drinking tube at the base. Throw the bladder away. Step 2: Consume a few glasses of box wine to make it easier to remove the bag. Step 3: Separate the wine bag from the rest of its packaging. Step 4: Find a place to work that is far from white carpet or white counters. Duct tape the severed drinking tube to the spigot of the wine bag. Depending on the spigot’s configuration, this could take a lot of tape or a little. It could also make a small mess or a really big one. Step 5: Wrap wine bag in a spare mid-layer and place in backpack. Feed drinking tube out the top and duct tape it to shoulder strap on your favourite side. Leave enough tube pointing up to be easily reached while still talking. Step 6: Consume more wine to test device. Step 7: Ski like a boss.
Talking the Talk While sipping from your CaberBak on the gondola, you’re sure to be drawn into inane conversations with snooty tourists who try to make up for subpar ski skills by showing off their wine knowledge. We suggest you treat the conversation as a game of chicken; to win, you must make your opponent blink with your own intimidating wine terminology, taking satisfaction in knowing what shit really means. Words: oaky, full-bodied, smoky, blackberry, acid, tobacco, earthy, anise Translation: a strong, disgusting, garbage-pail taste Words: citrus, herbs, passion fruit, lychee, fruit-forward, kiss Translation: a disgusting sugary taste Words: light, buoyant Translation: watery, easy to chug Words: nervy acidity, crispy minerals, nose, fragrance, palate, malolactic fermentation, tannins, essence, complexity, dry Translation: none—all are meaningless and used only to imply expertise Phrase: “This wine has a clean finish.” Translation: My mouth doesn’t taste like shit. Phrase: “This wine has legs.” Translation: Check out the smears inside my drinking tube. Phrase: “This wine’s character is like fresh, deep powder: mysteriously unexpected, yet wonderfully familiar.” Translation: I know more about everything than you bitches.
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