Walk away from toxic people

Sometimes you can experience so much toxicity from other socalled human beings that you can actually become numb to it (or not notice it until after the fact). The realization that you are not supported by your peers or that someone actively tried to hurt you should be enough to get you to move on.

COURTESY PHOTOS

“Love addiction is real, and just like any addiction, it can leave you in a constant state of craving, withdrawal and hopelessness. But there is hope for recovery,” said Dr. Cortney Warren, author of “Letting Go of Your Ex.” associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada at Las Vegas.

Having won numerous professional awards for her research, Dr. Warren is an expert on addictions, eating pathology, self-deception and the practice of psychotherapy from a crosscultural perspective.

In addition to her academic work, she is a speaker, author and coach with a passion for bringing psychological tools to the public. She earned her doctorate from Texas A&M University after

Poppies Book Club to focus on banned books

OJAI — Poppies Book Club will meet at 6 p.m. Feb. 28 at a private home in Ojai.

During 2023, the group is reading books that have been banned in some locales.

Members will discuss “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison. Her award-winning novel follows a victimized black girl who obsesses over not having blue eyes, a standard of beauty in her fragile mind. This book was banned for sexual content.

The group discussion is free and open to interested adults. Participants are asked to read the book before coming to the discussion. Email tireswingstudio@gmail.com for details, address or to be added to the book club mailing list.

Poppies Art and Gifts, 323 E. Matilija St. in Ojai, carries locally made jewelry, photography of Ojai and other places, paintings, pottery, décor, books by local authors and more. Store hours are 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. For more information, visit poppiesartandgifts.com.

— Marilyn McMahon

completing a clinical internship at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School in 2006.

email: mmcmahon@newspress. com

FYI

Dr. Cortney Warren, author of “Letting Go of Your Ex,” will give a talk at 6 p.m. Feb. 21 at Chaucer’s Books, 3321 State St. in Loreto Plaza in Santa Barbara. For more information, call 805-682-4067 or visit www. chaucersbooks.com.

Unfortunately, if you carry deep wounds from years of emotional abuse, realizing that you are being mistreated can take a while. Realizing that you are not emotionally supported and are living or working in a toxic environment can take longer. But once you realize it, there is no going back.

I was asked to send a half-dozen copies of my book “Emotional Fitness at Work” to a company as a pre-presentation exercise, so the leaders could each pick a chapter that we could focus on.

Apparently they dove into the book immediately as a group and decided that their work environment was very emotionally unfit. They presented that realization to the owner, who promptly fired them all. Wow.

I guess they were right, and apparently they all found new, hopefully less toxic, positions at other companies. That being said, I seriously doubt I will be asked to do a presentation for that company.

Dysfunction abounds in the work environment, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to find work in a healthier environment. Most unfortunately, volunteer organizations can fall into the same trap; it doesn’t have to involve money.

One of the most dysfunctional organizations I have ever been involved with was an homeowners association in a neighborhood that was much nicer than the people on the HOA board deserved. The politics made the last national election look like child’s play, and for what?

Actually, it’s what we used to call a power trip, but it’s really just the need to be righteous and lord over other people.

I watched a beefy man in his 40s lambast an older woman in an open neighborhood meeting. He was literally standing over her and yelling in her face.

No one said a thing, until I popped off with something like, “Dude, that is so inappropriate; grow up.” I also suggested that she report him to adult protective services, but the woman who was his victim didn’t want that. I walked out and resigned.

I got lots of emails, texts and letters asking me to stay, telling me that this guy was “just that way,” and now I understand he is suing the association he is volunteering for. This is becoming a suburban nightmare worthy of a Stephen King novel. I did stay in the group for a while longer, but the energy didn’t change. In the last meeting, I was attacked and slandered by the mean guy’s wife. I guess it must be a family dynamic. I don’t release my anger on other people for two reasons: first, the average Girl Scout could beat me to a pulp with a box of thin mints, and second, it’s not nice, and I like to be a nice guy. It’s also a waste of time and energy.

Toxic people who want to get their way, no matter what, are manipulative, mean, and they lie like a rug. They will dedicate their lives to finding a way to achieve their goal — right, wrong, or indifferent. And hurting people in the process doesn’t matter to them. My advice is just to walk away. Putting so much negative energy into the world for such small things is what is dividing us. It is sad that neighbors can’t get along, but even sadder to be with people who treat you badly.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a psychotherapist in Westlake. He’s the author, most recently, of “100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence — Believe in Yourself and Others Will Too.” Email him at Barton@ BartonGoldsmith.com. Follow his daily insights at www.twitter.com/ BartonGoldsmith. His column appears Saturdays and Mondays in the News-Press.