Understanding and dealing with relational abuse

There are many types of abuse in relationships, and with covert or passive-aggressive abuse, sometimes it’s actually difficult to know if your partner is being abusive or just behaving badly.

Understanding passiveaggressive behavior will help you recognize it. This is when someone acts out their anger by showing up late, not helping with chores, withholding sex, or not talking to you. This is the most common form of emotional abuse, and deep conversation and psychotherapy can help if both partners are willing.

An overt and more damaging type of emotional abuse is verbal. This is when someone yells and screams, may use foul language, and uses their words to belittle you. Though verbal abuse is not thought to be serious by some, I strongly disagree.

Whoever criticizes, berates, or badmouths their partner is actually beating them up — it just doesn’t leave marks you can see. These wounds are deeply felt and may never heal if the behavior continues.

The injuries will eventually become too painful to ignore, and the abused partner will withdraw, start fighting back, seek comfort elsewhere or leave the relationship.

People who put up with emotional abuse lose their self-esteem over time and find it difficult to live a balanced life. When the person you are closest to gives you no emotional support, it feels as though you have nothing in life to hold on to, and you cannot feel grounded or safe in your relationship. Emotional abuse in the home can undermine the entire fabric of a family, teaching children that such behavior is tolerable and acceptable.

Eliminating and healing from verbal abuse requires therapy for the couple and sometimes the entire family. Anger management for the abuser can be helpful, and I recommend deep emotionally focused work to get to the source of the anger. Choosing alternative appropriate behavior is also key, but changing old patterns can be a challenge. The victim in a verbally abusive relationship needs to learn to set strong boundaries, and may even have to leave the relationship for a while, to help the abuser understand the gravity of the problem.

Physical abuse is even more serious. If you are with someone who is violent, or even threatens violence, the first thing you must do is get out. Many victims get so used to the fact that the abuser in their lives gets angry, hits them, and threatens to kill them (or themselves) that they actually become inured to it. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, you need to see that the danger is clear and present. Counseling is a big part of dealing with healing or ending a relationship that has been violent, but safety is always the first concern. I cannot stress this enough: If your partner has hit you or threatened you with a weapon, you have to leave the house. If you can’t find a shelter or are too embarrassed to go to one, call a friend or a relative. Your place of worship may also be of help. Check into a hotel or find a short-term, corporate apartment — it may even be necessary to sleep in your car for a night. All of these options are safer than spending one more night under the same roof with a person capable of hurting you.

If there are children, take them with you when you leave. Understand that you can’t let this happen anymore, and it will hurt to leave, but you can do it with heart.

The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Abuse is a serious situation, and taking too much time to think about leaving can cost you your life. If the need is there, make the call now. You can also call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 9-8-8. Abuse only grows over time, and if the behaviors don’t change and the issues go unresolved, your life will become a living hell. Take responsibility for yourself, and get the help you need. Or if you know of someone in an abusive relationship, show them this article — by doing so, you may just save a relationship or a life.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist, is the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at barton@ bartongoldsmith.com. His column appears Saturdays and Mondays in the News-Press.

FYI

If you encounter abuse, you can:

• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.

• Call the 24-hour crisis and information hotline for Domestic Violence Solutions in Santa Barbara County at 805-964-5245. For more information, go to dvsolutions.org.

• Call 9-8-8, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you’re in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

10 a.m. to 5 p.m. “Interlopings: Colors in the Warp and Weft of Ecological Entanglements” is an exhibit that runs through March 12 at the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden, 1212 Mission Canyon Road, Santa Barbara. Hours are 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. The exhibit features weavings dyed with pigments from non-native plants on Santa Cruz Island. The weavings were created by artists Helen Svensson and Lisa Jevbratt. For more information, see sbbotanicgarden.org.

10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Central Coast artist and London native Annie Hoffman’s exhibit “Seeing Ourselves in Colour” will be displayed through Feb. 28 at Gallery Los Olivos, 2920 Grand Ave., Los Olivos. For more information, visit anniehoffmann. com.

10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. “SURREAL

WOMEN: Surrealist Art by American Women” is on display through April 24 at Sullivan Goss: An American Gallery, 11 E. Anapamu St. The gallery is open from 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. daily. For more information, www.sullivangoss.com.

Noon to 5 p.m. “Clarence Mattei: Portrait of a Community” is on view now through May at the Santa Barbara Historical Museum, which is located in downtown Santa Barbara at 136 E. De la Guerra St. Admission is free. Hours are currently from noon to 5 p.m. Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays and from noon to 7 p.m. Thursdays. For more information, visit www.sbhistorical. org.

MARCH 14

Lifeline screening for cholesterol, diabetes risks, kidney and thyroid function, plaque buildup in arteries and more at the Santa Barbara Seventh-day Adventist Church, 425 Arroyo Road, Santa Barbara. Registration is required at www. lifelinescreening.com.

MARCH 16

5:30 p.m. Dr. Fabrizio Michelassi — Lewis Atterbury Stimson professor and chairman in the Department of Surgery at Weill Cornell Medical Center and surgeon-in-chief at New York Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center — will present a public lecture titled “In the Eye of the Storm: Lessons Learned from the COVID-19 Pandemic.” The free talk will take place at the Wolf Education and Training Center, 529 W. Junipero St., adjacent to Ridley-Tree Cancer Center in Santa Barbara. Reservations are required by March 10. To attend, contact J.V. Vallejos at 805-681-7528 or jvallejo@ sansumclinic.org. Masks will be required.

MARCH 18

7:30 p.m. The Santa Barbara Symphony will perform “John Williams: A Cinematic Celebration” at The Granada, 1214 State St., Santa Barbara. To purchase tickets, go to granadasb.org. For more information, visit www. thesymphony.org or call 805-8989386.

MARCH 19

3 p.m. The Santa Barbara Symphony will perform John Williams: A Cinematic Celebration” at The Granada, 1214 State St., Santa Barbara. To purchase tickets, go to granadasb.org. For more information, visit www. thesymphony.org or call 805-8989386.

— Dave Mason