Couples need to learn the right way to disagree Hospice of Santa Barbara speakers honored

Presenters make Oprah’s Top 10 books on grief list

The authors of these books have been featured on the Hospice of Santa Barbara’s “illuminate” series. FYI

By MARILYN MCMAHON NEWS-PRESS STAFF WRITER

Three Hospice of Santa Barbara ‘illuminate’’ Speaker Series presenters — Nora McInerny Purmort, Joan Halifax and Frank Ostaseski — were featured on Montecito celebrity Oprah Daily’s “The Best Books to Comfort a Grieving Friend.”

HSB’s ‘illuminate’’ Speaker Series addresses the feelings of anxiety, grief and uncertainty that accompany a challenging time.

“Each author offers unique insight, wisdom and guidance about dealing with grief and challenging times,” said David Selberg, Hospice of Santa Barbara CEO. “Hospice of Santa Barbara is very fortunate to have them as part of our ‘illuminate’ Speaker Series line-up.”

Here’s a summary of each ‘illuminate’ speaker’s books:

For more information about Hospice of Santa Barbara, including volunteer opportunities, call 805-563-8820 or visit www. hospiceofsantabarbara.org.

• “It’s Okay to Laugh” by Nora McInerny Purmort. Her memoir chronicles her experience miscarrying her second child, losing her father to cancer and having her husband die in her arms within a span of a few months. Ms. Purmort offers a fresh perspective on grief and resilience while sprinkling in humor and giving her readers permission to struggle and permission to laugh.

• “Being with Dying” by Roshi Joan Halifax. Ms. Halifax uses her years of experience in caring for the dying to guide others through inspiring lessons on how to approach death with courage and compassion. email: mmcmahonnewspress.com

• “The Five Invitations” by Frank Ostaseski offers five valuable lessons about how dying can teach us how to live a more fulfilling life. Co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project, Mr. Ostaseki has been with more than a thousand people at the end of their lives.

Seen in 46 states and 58 countries, ‘illuminate’ Community Education and Engagement Series is a free virtual series of renowned speakers who address the feelings and questions that accompany challenging times. All “illuminate” presentations can be found on Hospice of Santa Barbara’s YouTube page, youtube.com/@ hospiceofsantabarbara1827.

Shelters seek homes for pets

Local animal shelters and their nonprofit partners are looking for homes for pets.

For more information, go to these websites:

• Animal Services-Lompoc, countyofsb.org/phd/animal/home. sbc.

• Animal Shelter Assistance Program in Goleta, asapcats.org.

ASAP is kitty corner to Santa Barbara County Animal Services.

• Bunnies Urgently Needing Shelter in Goleta, bunssb.org. BUNS is based at Santa Barbara County Animal Services.

• Companion Animal Placement

Assistance, lompoccapa.org and facebook.com/capaoflompoc. CAPA works regularly with Animal Services-Lompoc.

• K-9 Placement & Assistance League, k-9pals.org. K-9 PALS works regularly with Santa Barbara County Animal Services.

• Santa Barbara County Animal Care Foundation, sbcanimalcare. org. (The foundation works regularly with the Santa Maria Animal Center.)

• Santa Barbara County Animal Services in Goleta: countyofsb.org/ phd/animal/home.sbc.

• Santa Barbara Humane (with campuses in Goleta and Santa Maria), sbhumane.org.

• Santa Maria Animal Center, countyofsb.org/phd/animal/home. sbc. The center is part of Santa Barbara County Animal Services.

• Santa Ynez Valley Humane Society/DAWG in Buellton, syvhumane.org.

• Shadow’s Fund (a pet sanctuary in Lompoc), shadowsfund.org.

• Volunteers for Inter-Valley Animals in Lompoc: vivashelter. org.

— Dave Mason

Public Announcements from Central Coast Commission for Senior Citizens Area Agency on Aging

Central Coast Commission for Senior Citizens Area Agency on Aging announces the release of Request For Proposals for services authorized by the Older Americans Act. The services to be funded are:

Title IIIC: Congregate Nutrition

$687,775 for the provision of a minimum 91,703 meals to a minimum 350 senior citizens at the congregate nutrition sites in Santa Maria, Lompoc, Santa Barbara, Goleta, and Carpinteria. The service provider must provide nutrition education.

$1,504 for the provision of 56 sessions of nutrition education presentations (provided quarterly) to 600 senior citizens at the congregate nutrition sites in San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara County.

Title IIIC: Home Delivered Nutrition

$615,309 for the provision of a minimum 82,041 meals to a minimum 316 senior citizens in Santa Maria, Lompoc, Santa Ynez Valley, Santa Barbara/ Goleta and Carpinteria. The service provider must provide nutrition education.

Health Promotion and Disease Prevention (Title IIID)

$41,330 is available for the provision of an evidence-based health promotion program, including programs related to the prevention and mitigation of the effects of chronic disease (including, but not limited to, osteoporosis, obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease), alcohol and substance abuse reduction, smoking cessation, weight loss and control, stress management, falls prevention, physical activity, and improved nutrition. For a list of ACL approved Evidence-Based programs, please visit the National Council on Aging website at https://www.ncoa.org/resources/ebpchart.

Unit of service: One (1) contact.

Applications for these services will be available at an Applicants Conference, Thursday, April 28, 2023 at 12:00 p.m. via ZOOM. To secure the link, contact the Area Agency on Aging.

Applications are due May 5, 2023 at 5PM PDT.

For additional information, contact the Area Agency on Aging at 805-925-9554 (option 6) or aaron.pankratz@centralcoastseniors.org

Do you and your partner walk by one another without so much as a word spoken? When engaged in an argument, some couples give each other the silent treatment, others belittle their partners, threaten their relationship, and try to win any argument at the expense of hurting someone they love. This kind of toxic behavior can damage a relationship beyond the point of no return. If you don’t fight fairly, nobody wins and everyone gets hurt. Couples have to learn to argue for the right reasons and in the correct way. If you choose not to, you are in danger of damaging your relationship and the person you love. You both must learn how to fight fairly.

Arguing without harshness works because it minimizes defensiveness and the perceived need to be overbearing in a discussion. And that really is the point: If you let a discussion degrade into an argument, you both lose. If you remember that the first one who gets mad is the loser of the moment, it will help you keep yourself in check and allow you to get to the real issues, not just fight because you are both trying to hurt each other’s feelings. If you fall into that trap, catch yourselves as soon as possible and start over. There is no need for unkindness when two people love each other. Learning to argue correctly is also beneficial to a relationship because it can help settle issues permanently. Once our partners know that they have been heard, the process is so powerful and direct, they can drop their resentments almost immediately. If you do not feel that your mate has heard what you needed to say, you will be unable to let go of your damaged emotions. This is the key to resolving most of your difficult moments. This kind of communication dynamic can help you learn more about each other. It tears away the veil of being afraid to state your needs and true feelings. Knowing that you can air something that is bugging you or even share your deepest sorrow will allow you both to realize that your partner doesn’t want to hurt you (or be hurt by you). It will help you get to know each other at a deeper and more caring level. The benefits are a relationship saver.

Couples who want to keep their relationship positive and participate in its continued growth do not argue disrespectfully. In fact, they avoid it like the plague. They keep in mind that hurtful words can break a heart (and a relationship). When you know that your partner isn’t out to get you, there won’t be the need to protect yourself or avoid a perceived confrontation. Trusting that your discourse will be nontoxic really allows you to share your thoughts at a core level. The truth is that once you have learned how to voice your feelings in a way that is not harmful to your love, you will quickly see that this is a vastly more comfortable way to be with another person.

Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday. com with more than 28 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at barton@bartongoldsmith.com or 818-879-9996. He has lived and practiced in Westlake Village for more than two decades. His column appears Saturdays and Mondays in the News-Press.