Navigating the loss of a spouse

Bereavement expert gives advice on experiencing Valentine’s Day after losing a loved one

By KATHERINE ZEHNDER NEWS-PRESS STAFF WRITER

Today is the day for heart-shaped candies, chocolates, stuffed animals and bouquets of roses. It is a day meant to celebrate loving someone and being loved.

However, for those grieving a lost loved one, holidays such as Valentine’s Day may bring up difficult emotions and memories of a romantic partner who has passed away.

“It is always important to experience sorrow, pain or difficulty and allow that sensation to move through you and surround yourself with people you love,” Michael Cruse, a licensed clinical social worker and bereavement service manager for Hospice of Santa Barbara , told the News-Press. “Do the activities that give you meaning and comfort,” Mr. Cruse said. “Often these are activities experienced with a spouse. Grief is a double-edged sword of sorrow and joy. In order to experience joy, you have to tolerate and regulate the sorrow. Those who lost a loved one can experience a variety of emotions on Valentine’s Day, and it is natural to feel overwhelmed, lost, confused, angry, guilty and sad.

“People have difficult times during the course of the year, which depends on how that relationship was defined,” Mr. Cruse said. “Valentine’s Day is a source of association of sorrow, for those who made this day important in their relationship. The big ones are Thanksgiving and Christmas because they are heavy family days, followed by the anniversary and birthday. For Valentine’s Day, it depends on the significance of that day to the couple.”

Mr. Cruse spoke to how those close to the widow/widower can help them to feel less alone during these difficult times.

“Start by asking them what they need, give them offers to not be alone, such as a dinner invitation. People are reluctant to ask or burden others. It is important to invite them. Also, invite reminiscence, and don’t be afraid of the tears.”

The News-Press asked Mr. Cruse how those who work in assisted living facilities or other long-term care facilities can help their residents feel less alone.

“People in residential care are frequently not with full cognition, and their grasp on the subject can be tenuous,” he said. “Longterm care facilities have an activities director who structures activities that help their residents recapture the past or the relationship they had. These activities are designed to make them feel better. Oftentimes family can be included in these activities as well.”

“I would say that the only way you can mess up bereavement is to fail to do it. You have to tolerate and regulate the

The calendar appears Mondays through Saturdays in the “Life & the Arts” section. Items are welcome. Please email them a full week before the event to Managing Editor Dave Mason at dmason@newspress.com.

TODAY

The Santa Barbara International Film Festival continues daily through Feb. 18. See sbiff.org for the schedule.

10 a.m. to 4 p.m. “Entangled: Responding to Environmental Crisis,” runs through March 25 at the Westmont Ridley-Tree Museum of Art. The museum is open from 10 a.m. Monday through Friday and 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday. It’s closed on Sundays and college holidays. For more information, call 805565-6162 or visit westmont.edu/ museum.

10 a.m. to 5 p.m. “Interlopings: Colors in the Warp and Weft of Ecological Entanglements” is an exhibit that runs through March 12 at the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden, 1212 Mission Canyon Road, Santa Barbara. Hours are 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. The exhibit features weavings dyed with pigments from non-native plants on Santa Cruz Island. The weavings were created by artists Helen Svensson and Lisa Jevbratt. For more information, see sbbotanicgarden.org.

10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Central Coast artist and London native Annie Hoffman’s exhibit “Seeing Ourselves in Colour” will be displayed through Feb. 28 at Gallery Los Olivos, 2920 Grand Ave., Los Olivos. For more information, visit anniehoffmann.com.

10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. “The Search for the Modern West,” an exhibit, continues through Feb. 20 at Sullivan Goss: An American Gallery, 11 E. Anapamu St., Santa Barbara. The gallery is open 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. daily. For more information, see sullivangoss.com or call the gallery at 805-730-1460.

Noon to 5 p.m. “Clarence Mattei: Portrait of a Community” is on view now through May at the Santa Barbara Historical Museum, which is located in downtown Santa Barbara at 136 E. De la Guerra St. Admission is free. Hours are currently from noon to 5 p.m. Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays and from noon to 7 p.m. Thursdays. For more information, visit www.sbhistorical. org.

6 to 7:30 p.m. Nicole Lvoff and Joe Woodard will perform on Valentine’s Day at the Crush Bar & Tap, 1129 A State St., Santa Barbara. Their music varies from Beatles songs to jazz standards. For more information, go to crushbarsb.com.

FEB. 15

7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre Company will perform “Selling Kabul” at the New Vic Theatre, 33 W. Victoria St., Santa Barbara, The play is about an Afghan man hiding from the Taliban in his sister’s home in Kabul. Tickets cost $40 to $84. To purchase, go to etcsb.org or call 805-965-5400.

FEB. 16

7 p.m. “The River Bride,” the story of folklore, love, regret and two sisters who struggle to be true to each other and their hearts will be presented by PCPA (Pacific Conservatory Theatre) from Feb. 16 through March 5 in Santa Maria. The play is being performed at the Severson Theatre at Allan Hancock College, 870