GIRLS’ SCHOOLS

18 Stoneleigh-Burnham School

Good evening and welcome to the 1869 Society Dinner. Tonight’s theme is Girls’ Schools Leading the Way, and I’m here to talk about what it means for young women to take center stage.

Each year at Convocation when we celebrate the opening of the school year, Academic Dean Lauren Cunniffe gives a speech to the community. Lauren is an avid cyclist and has been known to use biking metaphors in her wonderful speeches. This year, she offered students a life lesson about “taking up space” as a cyclist on the road.

Lauren said that when a car goes past her, “it’s actually more dangerous to try to make [her]self small and move over to the far side of the road.” But, she told students, “if you don’t move way over and you go ahead and take up the space you legally own as a cyclist, cars will […] actually give you more room. By confidently taking up more space, I get more respect.” She then challenged our students to do the same and take “the space [they] need and deserve.”

I often think of girls’ schools as the antidote to the harmful internalized messages many women receive as we grow up. At StoneleighBurnham, we help students center themselves on stage, both literally and figuratively. I want to talk tonight about what it means for young women to be confident enough to do this.

A few weeks ago, we hosted a public speaking tournament on campus. Nine schools and 34 competitors attended, most of whom were boys from highpower schools such as Deerfield Academy and Hotchkiss. Four SBS students registered to compete. This tournament marked a return to in-person competition for the first time in over two years. Our four students had only competed virtually over Zoom — and some had never competed at all — and suddenly they found themselves face to face with boys in jackets and ties.

One of the mandatory competition categories was Impromptu Speaking, in which each speaker blindly draws three topics from an envelope. The speaker then has two minutes to pick a topic and prepare comments that they must deliver without notes. Judges look for organizational ability, wit or humor, agility of thought, and the ability to communicate with style and originality.

I have placed envelopes on your tables with the Impromptu topics from our tournament; please open an envelope, take a slip, and imagine you have two minutes to prepare a three- to five-minute speech on one of the prompts. Are you sweating yet? One of our students, a junior named Stella, placed second out of 34 competitors in this category and won top speaker overall at the tournament. Her prompt was “trampoline,” and she talked about friendship and regret.

Debate and Public Speaking is one of the clear examples of how we help students take center stage; these skills — the ability to quickly take a position, formulate an argument, and confidently speak your mind — are skills that help our students thrive in the classroom, in college, in the boardroom, and beyond. But there are also many, many smaller ways SBS helps students build confidence and take up the space they deserve.

I’ll never forget a little seventh grader named Charlotte who performed Adele’s hit song “Rolling in the Deep” at the SBS talent show years ago. It always blows me away when I see middle schoolers perform in front of the whole school, and it happens all the time here. Charlotte sat at her tiny electric keyboard, started the song, and then completely froze. My stomach dropped and I felt Charlotte’s panic and embarrassment as if it were my own, and then suddenly, students started to call out words of encouragement to her — “You got this, Charlotte!” — and so on. And eventually she centered herself, started over, and performed an incredible rendition of Adele’s powerhouse song.

This was a quintessential SBS moment that we see repeated over and over again: students cheering for and supporting each other as they take risks. So how is it that we create an environment in which students feel comfortable trying, failing, and succeeding in front of their peers?

There’s something called Shine Theory, and it was coined by two women named Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, who co-hosted the podcast “Call your Girlfriend” and co-authored the book “Big Friendship.” In Shine Theory they promote the idea that women shine when they see each other as allies rather than competitors, when they support, collaborate, and team up. In short, as Aminatou and Ann say, “I don’t shine if you don’t shine.”

They describe it as “a practice of cultivating a spirit of genuine happiness and excitement when your friends are doing well, and being there for them when they aren’t.” There’s no curriculum for Shine Theory; it’s something that just organically happens in our community, largely because we are a girls’ school. I have no doubt that this helps students build the self- confidence they need to take center stage in their own lives.

I first heard about this years ago when my colleague, art teacher Hannah Richards, observed that one of our students was a great example of Shine Theory in action. The student was a senior named Nashaylah, who embodied school spirit in a way I have never seen before, or since. Nashaylah cheering at a basketball game or house meeting was something to behold, and even officials and opposing teams remarked on it; her booming voice, school pride, and rhythmic cheers were totally uplifting, infectious, and joyous.

One day in English class

Nashaylah’s friend Mia read a spoken word piece about growing up as a Black woman in America. Mia’s words were moving and powerful, as was her performance. After the applause ended, Nashaylah shook her head in amazement and said to Mia, “You’re a beautiful person, inside and out.” This moment took my breath away. It was so sincere, so meaningful, and so wise. Nashaylah was a student who sometimes lacked confidence in her own writing, and there she was, offering incredibly generous and genuine praise to a peer.

One of the central themes in Shine Theory is to lean on other women for help while offering help in return, showing how women shine more when in a collective of other uplifting, supportive, confident women who foster collaboration, not competition. And so our school naturally fosters this selfperpetuating cycle that takes on a power of its own. This is the true magic of a girls’ school.

I have two daughters at SBS now, in seventh and ninth grade, and I’m starting to see this magic play out in my family too. Earlier this year while driving our carpool to school, I heard my older daughter in the backseat tell her friend that she wasn’t going to try out for Octet because she was the only ninth grader, and she was sure she wouldn’t get in. During middle school, my daughter had fallen in love with singing and adored her vocal music teacher, Morgan. I had been listening to her dream about auditioning for the select singing group for over a year. Now, self-doubt was creeping in. As a mom, I wanted to jump into the conversation and convince her to audition. But luckily, I didn’t have to. Shine Theory kicked in as her friend cheerfully encouraged her to try out. “You should do it,” Sara said, “You really want this. You could be the only ninth grader in Octet! Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?” And guess what? My daughter auditioned, and she got in.

I want to close by thanking you for your leadership and support of our school. Last I heard, little seventh grader Charlotte is now in a PhD program at Harvard, after earning degrees from MIT and the University of Cambridge. Nashaylah went on to study at Mount Holyoke College, and I hope Mia’s still writing her powerful spoken word poetry. Your support helps students like Charlotte, Stella, Nashaylah, Mia, and Macy find the confidence to take up the space they deserve, at SBS and beyond. And finally, don’t forget to thank a woman who has helped you shine at some point in your own journey.

Click here to learn more about Shine Theory.

$100,000 Trustee Match SBS Day of Giving