1
Shannon Cahill: Portfolio
2
Table of Contents Shadow Narrative………………3 Part one: Essay to Poem Translation…………………………….5 Part One: Reflection………………………………………..7 Part Two: Visual Translation…………………8 Part Two: Reflection……………………………………………………..9 Part Three: Writing Goals Reflection………….10
3 Shannon Cahill Shadow Narrative Addiction to Perfection It was so cold outside; I was shivering in my sweatpants and pajama shirt. I didn’t remember it being this cold in October. It was around 2am, the streets were empty and quiet. Quiet except for the sound of my mom crying to the cops, pleading with them, asking what she has to do to bail my sister out. There were two cops, both male. They had parked their car around the corner so that my sister wouldn’t see them coming. My mom and I were careful not to get in the way so that the cops didn’t get angry at us. She managed to get a few words out in between her sobs. “Please, what do I have to do?” I remember her asking. They told her she would have to go down to the police station and post bail. I was so angry and upset. Before the cops went over to my sister’s house they came banging on my parents door looking for her. The banging was so loud I jumped out of bed, scared that something bad had happened. My mom put her robe on and ran to answer the front door. Once we seen it was cops, we knew it had to do with my sister, a drug addict who couldn’t seem to keep herself out of trouble. My mom told them my sister lives in the house next door. The cops immediately went over there and began banging on her door while also ringing her doorbell. My mom and I ran outside to see what was going on. Once my sister Alyssa let them in, they told her she was under arrest for a warrant. She needed to tell her boyfriend that she was going so that he knew where she was, but they wouldn’t let her out of the living room. She had to yell for him to wake up so she could tell him, and because of this, she woke my one year old nephew up. This made me so mad! Was it really necessary to make her yell? They couldn’t let her ask one of us to come and in and let the baby’s dad know what was going on? After only a few minutes of them being in the house, they brought my sister outside with cuffs on her wrists. My mom ran over to find out what was happening, so naturally I ran to follow her. As I listened to my mom cry, plead, and beg with the cops my anger became worse. It wasn’t okay that my sister was being arrested. It wasn’t okay that my mom had to see her child like this, and it wasn’t okay that this was happening to my family. At that point I realized I was angrier towards the cops for arresting my sister in front of my mom and her son like this, than I was at my sister for what she had done to be arrested in the first place. Seeing my mom crying and trembling from what was going on in front of her, watching her daughter be put into the back of a cop car, was heart breaking. I was no longer cold, but so hot that my hands were clammy. I felt my blood starting to pump faster through my veins and into my heart. It was beating so hard and fast, I felt like it was going to push right through my chest cavity. I knew then and there that I never wanted to disappoint my mom and I never wanted to see her like this again. I knew at that moment I had to do whatever I could to make sure she is happy and proud of me. In order to do that, I was going to have to do good enough not only for myself, but to make up for my sisters failures and mistakes too. After that night I was a changed person. I became an over achiever in anything and everything I did. I worked full time at my day job, but that wasn’t enough. I started working late every night that I could. Even doing 12 hour shifts to make some overtime pay. I was also enrolled full time in college. I took some classes online and others at the campus. Besides working and going to school, I helped take care of my nephew since my sister was not very capable. I had so much on my plate, but I knew my parents were proud of how hard I was working and it felt good hearing other people tell them how great of a kid I was. When other people told my parents that, they would smile with relief that it was positive. One semester it was around finals when I really over loaded and exhausted myself. My sister was doing really bad and was just lying around all the time or going out for days without coming home. One night I came home from working 10 hours, and doing an online course for 2. I walked in the door
4 and my sister was sitting on the couch watching a reality show while eating a bowl of cereal. My nephew was in the other room playing with his toys. He started to cry that his diaper needed to be changed so I told my sister she needed to get up and do it. I had to repeat myself three times until she finally responded and said, “Can’t you just do it?” That was all it took. I couldn’t bite my tongue any longer, all the stress made me snap. I started screaming at her, “Are you kidding me? I just worked all day then had a college class, what the hell have you done all day? NOTHING!,” I was furious that she was home all day and was too lazy to change her child’s diaper. “Whatever Shannon,” she said as she walked over to her son. “Come on Brody, Aunt Nay Nay doesn’t want to help you she is too busy for you.” Brody is my world, and for her to talk to him and tell him I didn’t love him or want to be with him was over the line, even if he was too young to understand that. “How dare you tell him negative things about me. I love him, but I work a full time job and go to school full time. I am exhausted I just walked in the door three minutes ago, you have been home all day and he is your kid.” I said. My mom hated hearing us fight, sometimes she would even cry when the fights got really bad. “Shannon,” my mom said “You don’t need to brag that you have a job and are in college that just puts her down more.” “WHAT? BRAG?,” I couldn’t believe my ears. I was getting into trouble, not my sister. “I was not bragging, there wasn’t anything TO brag about. I was complaining that I am so busy with work and school that I am tired. I would trade with her, she can go while I sit here all day and relax.” I stomped upstairs with tears in my eyes. Why is it that no matter how hard I try it never seems to be good enough? Somehow I always end up getting into trouble when my sister and I fight, why? Because I speak the truth and don’t sugar coat things like they did? But it didn’t matter. No matter how many times they sided with her because they didn’t want her so upset they she would use too much drugs and OD, I still tried to be as perfect as I could for them. I hear my mom cry a lot about how she doesn’t know how her daughter turned into an addict. She says she knows it wasn’t her parenting because of how I turned out so good. That right there is what keeps me going, keeps me on my toes and keeps me striving for perfection. I don’t ever want my mom thinking that she failed in any way as a parent, but telling her that isn’t good enough. Actions speak louder than words, and I plan on showing her what great parenting she did for the rest of my life.
5 Shannon Cahill Part One: Essay to Poem Translation Addiction to Perfection Cold, dark, quiet, Mom cries in the street. I shake and I tremble, Yet my body starts to feel the heat. The cops are here for you, With a warrant for your arrest. I’m so upset and angry, Our parents only deserve the best. You chose to take this path, Leaving us to wonder why? You always depend on something, Whether it’s a pill or a guy. We once had a great family, Perfect? Not in the least bit. But we were happy and together, One loving little unit. Mom’s heart is breaking, She sometimes blames herself, Dad is always aching, Constantly praying for your health. I can’t let them become Disappointed in me too. So I’ll do what it takes, To do enough for me and you. They‘re the best parents they could be, But you make one mistake after another. I will show them what we learned, From our great Father and Mother. I will work all day, Do school work all night. I will clean the house And help raise your child right. I have to work harder It’s never good enough. I will never let our parents down,
6 For them I will stay tough. One daughter making mistakes, Fighting the disease of addiction. The other can’t let them down, feeling addicted to perfection.
7
Shannon Cahill Part One Reflection To translate my narrative essay into a poem I first picked out words that stood out to me. I wrote a list of them and then narrowed it down to the few words that describe my story and my shadow the best. I wanted to begin with the setting of the night that I realized I needed to become perfect for my parents. I wanted the reader to be able to understand that although it was a cold night, and I was shaking and shivering, my body was gaining a feeling of heat brought upon me from my anger. I wanted the reader to understand why this shadow of mine exists. I didn’t always care about being perfect or even closed to it until the night my sister was arrested in front of or family. I made sure the first half of the poem gives detail of that night and what the repercussions of her arrest were on my parents. This led into my need for perfection in all aspects of my life. I named the things I would do to reach my goal of perfection. Some parts of the poem had me scrambling to find the right words. It was hard to write how her drug use hurt my parents and how it changed my life forever. The emotions took over me and a few times I had to stop writing and gather my feelings to start again. The last part I wrote was actually the title. I always have trouble when it comes to titles for my work and this was not an exception. I couldn’t figure out if I wanted a long or short title, one that had to do more with the reason for my shadow, or my shadow itself. After reading my poem and narrative numerous times, it finally came to me. My sister’s addiction to drugs led me to a somewhat addiction for perfection in the eyes of my parents. I ended up using this for the title to my essay since I didn’t have one previously.
8
9 Shannon Cahill Part Two Reflection Part two of the portfolio was to translate my essay into a new genre; I chose a performance review sheet. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to use for this section. Perfection has so many different meanings to it, but when I thought about the perfection I strive for in my life this came to mind. There isn’t one particular thing I try to perfect in my life. I know that there is no such thing as perfection, but I feel like I need to get as close to it as I can. I guess I think that if I can be as close to perfect as I can be in everything I do in my life, then maybe my parents will be so focused on the good that they won’t have much time to focus on my sisters failures and mistakes. My audience for this part of my portfolio is myself, so that I can keep track of what I feel needs to be better. Also, it is for my parents to see that I know my priorities in life and will do the best I can. I wanted to be able to show the many things in my life that I concentrate mostly on to be perfect. The only box checked off as excellent is my hatred for drugs. The comment for that is how much I miss my sister. The drugs stole her away from us, and even though I see her in the flesh, it’s not the same sister I grew up with. I think if she saw this in her addict state of mind she would think I am bragging about all I do and how I think I’m great. If she were sober she might see that it’s not bragging, but showing all the hard work and exhaustion I go through every day. I thought long and hard on what to include on this review sheet. I wanted to make sure my narrative was understood from viewing it, but didn’t want too many words. I wanted it to look like a performance review sheet that a boss from a job would give, but in this case I’m the boss and the employee per say. I put my overall rating comment in bold so that it was noticed. It is my shadow that I need to be perfect. I doubt most people grade themselves on every task they do in their life, but I do. I am my toughest critic and I believe this translation shows how I view myself.
Shannon Cahill Part Three: Writing Arts Goals Reflection I feel that I have successfully achieved the goals for this course. I am now aware of my writing techniques, things I do and things I need to work on. I noticed that when I write a story I skip out on a lot of details. I rush the storyline along from event to event, instead of creating a scene with emotion and detail. In realizing this, I learned to make this a step in my writing technique in order to fix this problem. It is okay that I start my first draft as a timeline of events
10 from begging to end. But instead of stopping there, I should go back to the beginning and go through the entire thing and add more information. Then I should repeat this again and again until I have full story with everything a story should have. During my time in this course there were two reading we did that stood out to me. In the reading ‘We Do Abortions Here: A Nurse’s Story’, the author wrote the story from an interesting point of view. Abortion is such a taboo topic in today’s world that it is something people usually shy away from talking or reading about. This piece was so interesting it captivated me. No one ever thinks about the nurse and doctors who are performing the abortion, and if they do, I’m sure they think of them as evil baby killers. The author writes how hard it is to work this job of helping with abortion after abortion. As I read the gory details of this story I realized that that is what was making it so real and interesting. That is what made me understand the emotions the nurse was feeling. This piece was easy to understand and after I read it I knew that if I were to write this, it would have been shorter and to the point of events. I would have written about the nurse, a fast description of the woman getting the abortion, and how she feels at the end of the day about her job. If it were written in that way, it wouldn’t have been the interesting story that pulled me in. From this piece Sallie Tisdale taught me that no detail is too small and every one of them counts. Another reading that stood out to me was Researching Your Own Life. From this I learned that even though it is a story about one’s self, it isn’t enough to just think back and write from memory. To get a better story and more fact and truth in your writing, you have to do actual research. When I think about doing research I think of boring information on the internet and books. Michael Pearson shed a new light on research for me by explaining many ways to make research interesting. He quoted Doris Goodwin on her research for her own biography, stating that she would look for evidence to help stimulate her mind to remember more about her childhood adventures. I like that using this method can really help bring out some important events that you may have forgotten about. This helped me with my writing because it made me realize that not all research has to be boring. Also that you should do research for almost any story you write, no matter the genre, so that it is more factual which in turn makes it more believable. One of the objectives I have learned is experiencing revision as an ongoing process rather than an end point. Revision is something that needs to be done for anything you write whether it’s a poem, news article, letter or even a card. Revising your work is a way to make sure you didn’t over look anything such as grammatical mistakes or even missing the point you wanted to make. I had to revise my shadow narrative for this class a few times until I was able to narrow it down to the actual shadow. A piece of writing can always be revised, you need to learn when to stop and say “Okay this is how I want it, this is done.” If you revise too much you could end up changing the entire point that you wanted to make. This brings me to the second objective I learned which is developing critical awareness of your own writing and the writing of others. Just like revision, being critically aware of what and how you write can make a huge difference. If you are writing a children’s book but you are unaware that your style of writing is geared more to teens then you could waste a lot of time writing something that an editor will tell you is completely wrong for that age group. It is also good to be aware of writing of others because it can help you see from a readers point of view, things that you do want to do in your writing, which can make you more alert when you sit down to write. Also it can help you see things you would like to add to your writing, maybe adding another technique that could help give it what you feel is missing. A goal that I have reached from this course is being able to show my emotions through my writing. I always seem to keep a shell around the feelings I want to express which then
11 makes it hard to understand as a reader who doesn’t know what my mind is thinking. I learned that letting the feelings out onto the page and breaking open that shell is what makes the writing come to life. In my narrative I wrote about my sister being arrested in the middle of the night in front of our family. At first I just stated what happened that night, the events that took place. Then, as time went on during the semester and I learned more, I was able to revise my essay and add more emotions that I had so the reader could have more of an understanding of how it affected me enough to want to strive for perfection. When I registered for this course I was excited to learn more about writing. I didn’t realize I would learn so much about myself as a writer and also as a person. When I first started this semester I loved to write, but I felt that my writing seemed amateur. As the course progressed each week I was learning new techniques and skills to help my writing grow. Each class I also learned more about who I am as a person. The shadow narrative is a great idea and it really helped me see things clearly about my life. I knew I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, but I never stopped to try and figure out why I felt that way or when it started. From this course I will take away how to take my time when writing a story, to not rush it, but instead to dive into each scene to explore and put in any little detail I feel makes it the best it can be.