Scars of Survival Magazine January Issue by scarsofsurvivalmagazine

Scars of Survival JANUARY 2021 ISSUE 6

PAIN, HEALING, ENDURANCE

AUTHOR CHARLOTTE PINKNEY I Made It, Thank You Lord, Love Wins!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SELF ESTEEM

MAGAZINE

BUILDING A SUPPORT SYSTEM

BREAKING THE GENERATIONAL CYCLE

STOP ASKING ME WHY DID I STAY?

+ more inside...

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www.scarsofsurvivalmagazine.com

Model | Nakita Kay

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READERS

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR TO THE READERS

Letter From The Editor To The

e go through pain, we heal, and we endure. One of many reasons why I chose to Launch Scars of Survival Magazine. A lot of us have experienced some form of domestic abuse or we’ve known a loved one who’s experienced it. During that time to have been no way out! Who We go through pain, we heal,there andseemed we endure. too? Who wouldn’t judge me? Who One of many reasons why I could choseI tum to Launch would understand? Scars of Survival Magazine. A lot of us haveWill I ever survive? Will I ever overcome? experienced some form of domestic abuseThese or are the questions many of us had or still have? What will it be like to we’ve known a loved one who’s experienced it. experience being FREE?!

During that time there seemed to have been no way out! Who could I tum too? Who wouldn’t I’ve beenWill wanting to launch Scars of Survival judge me? Who would understand? I ever Magazine since 2016 survive? Will I ever overcome? ese are the when I founded Scars Survival Inc. I wanted to create a magazine questions many of us had orofstill have? What where individuals from all genre could learn will it be like to experience being FREE?! what domestic violence truly is. Learn the causes, effects, how to survive, heal, and I’ve been wanting to launch overcome. Scars of A Survival magazine that’ll help oneself to Magazine since 2016 when I founded Scars regain love, hope, trust, faith, courage, and of Survival Inc. I wanted to create a magazine strength.

where individuals from all genre could learn what domestic violence truly is. Learn the The goal of Scars of Survival Magazine is to help causes, effects, how to survive, heal, and individuals to overcome domestic violence from overcome. A magazine that’llchildren help oneself to adults.to That you too are worthy! You regain love, hope, trust, faith, courage, andYou too can heal and walk too can overcome! strength. in your God given purpose! I want you to know

Author

you’re not alone!

The goal of Scars of Survival Magazine is to help individuals to overcome domestic violence So please enjoy the journey with me and let me from children to adults. at you tooyour are thoughts worthy! throughout the process. It’s know You too can overcome! You time too can heal and to take back your life! Feel free to email me walk in your God given purpose! I want you about anything at to any time! know you’re not alone! So please enjoy the journey with mescarsofsurvivalmagazine@gmail.com and let me Email: know your thoughts throughout the process. It’s Instagram: @scarsofsurvivalmagazine: time to take back your life! Feel free to email me about anything at any time! Email: scarsofsurvivalmagazine@gmail.com Instagram: @scarsofsurvivalmagazine:

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sathya Callender

COVER PHOTOGRAPHER Vision7 Entertainment Photography

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sathya Callender

LAYOUT DESIGNER David Sunday - ig: @moodcraftty

ALL RIGHTS All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced expressed in Scars of Survival Magazine, LLC. are the views of the contributors and not necessarily shared by the magazine and its responsibility for manuscripts, photographs, or illustrations.

Published six times a year.

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PAIN. HEALING. ENDURANCE

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TABLE OF CONTENTS 08

Her name is Rhonda Morman

Losing Your Self Esteem after Domestic Violence, The Bounce Back

Relearning Independence

From Childhood to Adulthood, The Effects of Enduring Childhood Domestic Violence

Breaking Generational Cycles

Relationship with god and Loving yourself

Stop Asking Me Why I Stayed

Abusive Marriage Situation and

Building a Strong Support System

Domestic Violence

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Dear Monica

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HER NAME IS RHONDA MORMAN RHONDA MORMAN

Her name is Rhonda Morman, she not only survived but also overcame Domestic Violence. I am a very complex person so, there is no one way to describe myself. This is because of how I grew up and how I had to take so many side paths in my life. I am very guarded yet outgoing. I’m a believer yet I question everything around me. I am a leader, yet I am very observant. I have always hidden my true self behind the roles of characters that I play. However, I believe that God is telling me that it is my time for my voice to be heard. Not just for myself, but so many survivors like me. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA, southcentral area and moved to the Crenshaw area when I was a young adult, the “Shaw” as they would call it. Most of my family are in Dallas,

Texas. So, I understand the street hustle that the Great Nipsey Hussle described. I have mothered 8 incredible children (blended family) and have been married for 20 years. I have 3 grandbabies and 2 twin grandbabies on the way. I am a mother to 1, stepmother to 6, and auntie of 1. It pains me that my sweet baby sister Rachelle lost her life to domestic violence. Through manipulation and motive, he took her life just over an insurance policy. This was and still is a very difficult thing for me to talk about. The shock from domestic violence never leaves you. It traumatizes you for life. I felt like I had abandoned my sister and failed to save her. She was my youngest sister and I always protected her. She had decided to move to Dallas and pursue other endeavors in life. She was doing

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well in management had plans of going into law. You don’t know what you don’t know. I still feel like it’s my fault and wished it was me. Rachelle, I love you and miss you always. I almost didn’t want to talk about this and this is the first print of my sister’s name. It hurts but I am grateful to shed light on this abusive manipulation. The way domestic abuse leaves scars on loved and dear ones of the victim is cruel. A relationship can start at a point and end up very differently. I was in that kind of relationship where you would get locked up in the house. Today, I bet he could not. I often have in my thoughts and prayers, women who are victims of domestic abuse and can’t go anywhere due to COVID. I used to have to wear turtlenecks in the summer to hide my bruises. I was so traumatized that I would be startled every time someone called my name. I was always crying but had to hide my tears in front of him. He said that I brought it on myself. It made me very upset to be so vulnerable. But, I thought, this is what love looks like. I was scared, terrified, lonely, and

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hid from everyone. Right from the beginning of my marriage, I was self-sabotaging myself and my relationship due to my past physical, verbally, and sexually abusive relationship. An abusive relationship totally changes the perception of love. I did not know what real love looks like or what it feels like until I met my husband. With ongoing counseling, our marriage is thriving today. Verbal abuse is as hurtful and damaging as physical abuse. This exhausted me mentally, emotionally, and physically. The abuse is accompanied by shame and guilt. I have had to hide and hug my mother. My back was bruised due to the physical assaults that I would have to wait to see my family. I had to give the bruises time to heal. But I went back time after time. Did I stay? No! I eventually left. But it was very hard for me to overcome these situations and gather myself. We are supposed to grow and become stronger after going through these things, right? I remember the first time I met him. I was at the bus stop in front of Church’s Chicken on my way to work. I had just come out of high school. We dated for 3-4 years and this seemed like an eternity to me. Why should the flowers he gave me bloom when I felt dead inside? The

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abuse had affected me in such a way that not only was I afraid to talk to anyone, I didn’t want anyone to hurt him. I was terrified to tell anyone about what I was going through. I would justify him and even make excuses for him. Sometimes I was made to believe that it was my fault. It was hard to continue protecting him. It was not my responsibility and I have never wanted to hurt anyone. Being raised with street knowledge, I went through so many things back-to-back. When I was just seven years old, I was playing jump rope outside in the street. I was like any little girl would, playing innocently, in my world. Suddenly I was shot in my right knee twice by a drive-by shooter. I was about to get shot again but my cousin Billy jumped on me and saved me from getting shot again. Billy,

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I love you and I miss you. I hope I make you and my sister proud. At the hospital, I was told that I would never walk again. It was devastating. I spent four years of my life in a wheelchair until I was eleven years old. At around eight years old, encouraged by kingdom building leader Mary, I had joined Bible Club, also known as World Impact Inc. They taught me about faith. This faith is what kept me going. For some reason, being in a wheelchair felt safer because no one was bothering me. Who knew I would ever feel that way! I knew I survived this atrocity, but I had to overcome it and rise above that. I forgave my perpetrator. I was molested, abused, beaten, and yet had to find the courage to forgive. My husband and I are currently reading the “Gift

of Forgiveness” because that is what God wants us to do in both of our lives. During this time God has shown me I need to write my own book, which is titled “Coming up Short”. This forgiveness is not attributed to a single thing. I went through countless difficult times. After I was shot and had just started walking, I was molested at the age of 12. I was always bullied for the scar on my leg. I suffered from acne, hair loss to grass ringworms, I had one leg shorter than the other, and was constantly made fun of. Life was throwing all these problems at me one on top of another. Like, can I get a break? It was just me against my own insecurities and the bullies. For this, I had to find my justification. I had to trust my faith and be able to forgive. Abuse shuts you from the world. You learn to stay silent. The trauma arising from domestic violence leaves the deepest scars. Forgiveness is very vast and capacious. You have to learn how to forgive yourself first. When God took my sister, I blamed God and my life shifted. I hung around guys who were suited and booted, street hustlers, and boosters that taught me a thing or two. I robbed, stole, and did all kinds of things to be defiant. It was a fast and sometimes difficult life, one that I knew deep down inside wasn’t for me. For my son, I started building a different life. I wanted him to be better than how most inner-city kids end up being based on their environment and lack of opportunities. I wanted him to be better than me. I wanted to raise a man. Honestly, one of my biggest fights was with myself. They say the biggest war is the one you fight with yourself. I had to be true and honest with myself. Realizing this was one of my biggest challenges. Because of everything you have been through, you can’t see your true self hidden behind those battles’ scars and hurdles in life. You cannot justify wrongdoing when you know in your heart that it is wrong. And so, when I was at my lowest, the only person I could turn to was God. It is faith that guided me and kept

me strong. I have always loved to act. Creating, playing make-believe, and being characters is my true passion. I love learning about people and understanding their emotions. Why do they smile through the pain and do what they do? As that little girl sitting in that wheelchair, I used to go out on the balcony and observe other children jump roping, playing tag, playing hopscotch, climbing the tree, and more. One day, while on the balcony, I heard a voice that pulled me inside. Listening to Diane Ross in her iconic role in “Lady Sing the Blues” instigated deep feelings I never felt before in me. I realized that that is what I wanted to do. Today, I would agree that she is my first influence. She made me feel above my legs, below my head and ignited this strong passion and purpose in my heart. I learn that to be called acting. My last movie is called “The Runners”, which you can watch on Amazon Prime. It is a movie about sex trafficking awareness. With my husband Maxim, we have started a production company together to not only create our TV series, “Lords of LA”, but also to bring to life other projects and topics we believe in. We also own, serve, and operate a Community Center in Inglewood, CA called BLCH (Better Living Center Headquarters). You can visit our website at www.blcheadquarters.org - ask about our venue rental options for all of your events, classes, and occasions. To my beloved readers, my biggest piece of advice would be to start loving yourself. Allow yourself to be okay when it’s not okay! The blessings of God apply to you too. Ask for help and trust your faith in God. Know that it is okay to be selfish, to say no, and to spoil yourself. You’re worth it and more than enough all at the same time. I’m proud of YOU!

Facebook / Instagram / Twitter : @iamrhondamorman

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LOSING YOUR SELF ESTEEM AFTER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THE BOUNCE BACK AUTHOR SAMANTHA J.

Most women and men have struggled with low self-esteem at some point in their lives. Coming out of an abusive relationship can send your self-esteem to the lowest you have ever imagined. When you are abused physically and emotionally for years, the degrading comments and attitudes of the abuser tears you down and drains your sense of worth. It’s time to change the reaction and take positive action to reclaim your life again. Regaining your self-esteem after domestic violence can take some years. A very essential part of the journey to recovery is making sure you take it one day at a time. It’s like waiting for a wound to heal on your body. You would normally work on strengthening the wound to heal. The idea is the same with the injury of the

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heart and mind. You have to ensure you take one day at a time and strengthen your mind, body and soul from years of abuse. One of the most important factors of your healing is understanding that this was not your fault, and strengthening your mind to recognize you are the victim. The abusers have made you feel like you cannot live without them and belittled you to believe it. You are a strong individual to have experienced what you have gone through, and now it’s time to bounce back from the devastation and move forward in your life. Many of us wish we had benefited of retrospection when we are going through the abuse or maybe even wish there was a way to

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warn or comfort ourselves and reduce or escape the pain the abuse left behind to regain our self-esteem. The impact of the continued abuse, amongst other stressful circumstances, can leave you broken and numb. You have to learn to focus on your own healing to avoid life getting harder. What we have to learn to do in order to rebuild our self-esteem is to first understand we have to reduce the conflict in our lives. Separate yourself from your abuser permanently and do not allow the apologies and the good traits that they display pull you back in. Don’t stroke their ego; stand up for youself and realize enough is enough. This may sound hard, but you are worth the let go so you can bounce back and heal.

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It is time to focus on you and your well-being. It is time to stop worrying about everyone else and what they feel or say and start getting back to your happy place. Treat yourself with meditation, massages, positive communities and help books to get back to who you really were before you encountered the abuse. It is time to speak your TRUTH. Do not allow the embarrassment to blur where you are going. The most important thing is where you end up when it is all said and done. The more you share your story, the more you heal and help others heal too who have or are going through the same situation you went through. Focus on consistency in your life. When you become aware of those “drivers” that take you to the pit of hell in your mind, change your

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mindset. This is where you realize you are a good person, you are a strong person, and you deserve the best “you” that you can be. It is time to take full responsibility for your life. This is where you have to be patient with yourself. It does happen over time. Take control of who you were or who you want to become. Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook for the future. Finally, it is time to learn to rebuild your life. What makes you happy? Bolster your worth everyday by saying, “I am on the path of transformation and focused my energy on developing more on me.” You have to stop the train from derailment now. It will take time, but you need to give yourself positive affirmations daily. If you do not do this all day, the negative thoughts will rear back in and destroy all the positives you have been building up. Weather you realize it or not, you are on the path to your strongest self yet.

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The battle is not over, but you are defiantly in the right head space to start a journey of building your self-esteem and “BOUNCING BACK.” One of my favorite affirmations that took me to a daily renewed mindset is:

“EMPOWEREMENT IS SOMETHING THAT SINGS THROUGH MY EVERY ACTION. I WILL REMAIN EMPOWERED EVEN IN THE FACE OF ANTAGONISM. I AM POWERFUL AND CAPABLE NO MATTER WHAT EMOTIONS I MAY FEEL. I AM STRONGER THAN ALL OF THE CHALLENGES LIFE THROWS AT ME. I AM A SURVIVOR FROM MY PAST AND I CAN SURVIVE MY FUTURUE. I WILL LIVE MY LIFE IN CONFIDENCE AND BUILD MY SELF-ESTEEM DAILY. I WILL GET BACK TO HAPPINESS BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.”

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(Nationwide) Singer and entrepreneur Jody Watley believes in the power of surrounding yourself with a relaxing scent and good music. The iconic superstar is expanding her signature brand line with the release of new home fragrances and candles. What better way to get yourself in the spirit than with a delicious smelling candle and a home fragrance spray that smells like the tastiest of winter treats from the Jody Watley signature home line? The Grammy winning and always fabulous trendsetter welcomes “Sanctuary” luxury soy candle and room fragrance spray with its comforting notes of green tea, lemon and vanilla limitededition to her collection, now available exclusively at JodyWatleyShop.com. Jody comments, “Candles have always been a mainstay for me – home, on tour in hotel rooms, dressing rooms, green rooms.. you name it. Creating peaceful spaces that also smell good – this is a natural new step for me to expand into the home and wellness marketplace.” “I wanted to include a home line assortment, pieces essential to creating a home and speak to the Jody Watley aesthetic,” she says of her “Sanctuary” line, which includes candles ($25) and home fragrances ($45). “I love putting them in the focal point of my favorite rooms and letting the scents fill the space,” she added. Her brand extension emphasizes wellness and self-care with a touch of affordable luxury offering the experience quality products at its best from the ever-evolving singer and songwriter. For all links to Jody Watley’s website, blog, social media & more visit https://direct.me/jodywatley

Connect with us 20 T

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FROM CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD THE EFFECTS OF ENDURING CHILDHOOD DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BY: LAURIE BENOIT

Life is a lesson and it begins when we are children. So wouldn’t it make sense to think that what happens to us in our childhood, will affect us for a lifetime? Well, I am no doctor but I would think so. In fact, I happen to know so. See, I have literally spent a life time trying to overcome and heal from what I endured as a child. What I have learned is that abuse affects children adversely and in a number of ways. It could begin with the child’s mind finding a way to protect itself in the form of dissociation from the experiences and the people around them. Perhaps they endured repeated memories/ flashbacks known as PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder), maybe their bodies shut down as a whole hindering their development, or they may begin to act out their feelings because they believe they can’t express them. They display a number of these symptoms. The

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child may display one or a combination of these symptoms. I know that I exhibited more than one of these symptoms. Back in my day, if they had understood childhood development clearly, perhaps the abuse would have been picked up sooner. Perhaps there would not have been any question about the legitimacy of what I endured. In my experience of a child who endured abuse and manipulation at a young age, as they grow into adulthood, they tend to attract more of the same to their lives, (considering they have not been moved to a healthy environment, of course). I have also witnessed what happens when a child is moved into a healthy stable environment and it allows the child to grow and develop on all levels and feel safe, to overcome and heal more quickly, almost as if what they endured never happened. Truth be told, this was not my experience. Instead, I fought with every ounce of my being

to get into the system meant to protect children like myself and away from the circumstances behind the closed doors. In my case, I could not rely on other family members to help because mine was a line of generational abuse. What came to be in my circumstances as I grew were many more years caught in the cycle of abuse, carrying my anger, feelings of mistrust, hurt, my memories and flashbacks, as well as years of my life missing. I did not understand why I felt some of the things I did, I just knew what I felt. I grew up learning many more harsh lessons along the way and hurt many. Of that I am certain. I was a whirlwind of anger and a monstrous force when you crossed me. I sabotaged anything good in my life and carried

a deep darkness within me called depression, something I still continue to battle every single day. But we have a choice, a choice to heal and overcome, or wallow in the game of “poor me” and self pity. What I wish to share is that every single thing we experience in life is meant to mold us into the person we are meant to become. Each one of us has a purpose and a choice about what we do with our experiences. We can let them lead us to better ourselves or we can use them to make excuses for unhealthy behaviours. When we work on betterment of ourselves, it is hard work. I am not going to lie, but it’s so worthwhile. You can rest easy knowing you have done what you can to put an end to a challenging cycle.

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a er I le . To keep my phone communications con ntial, I must either use coins, or I might ask to use a friend’s phone card for a limited time when I rst leave.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN

e following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner’s violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.

H. When I expect we’re going to have an argument, I’ll try to move to a place that is low risk, such as _____________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without access to an outside door.)

H. I will sit down and review my safety plan every _______________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence. ________________________ (domestic violence advocate or friend’s name) has agreed to help me review this plan.

STEP 1: Safety during a violent incident. Women cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, battered women may use a variety of strategies. I can use some of the following strategies.

I. I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/ her down. I have to protect myself until I/ we___________________.

I. I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

C. I can tell_________________________ about the violence and request that she or he call the police if she or he hears suspicious noises coming from my house. D. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police, the re department, and 911. E. I will use ___________________________ as my code with my children or my friends so they can call for help. F. If I have to leave my home, I will go to _______ ______________________________. (Decide this even if you don’t think there will be a next time.) G. I can also teach some of these strategies to some or all of my children.

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______________________________ (name of babysitter) ______________________________ (name of teacher)

G. I can leave extra clothes or money with __________________________.

Date: ______________________________

B. I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them (location) ___________________ in order to leave quickly.

______________________________ (name of school)

F. I will check with ______________________ and _________________________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money.

Name: _____________________________________________

A. If I decide to leave, I will __________________ _______________________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells, or re escapes would you use?)

partner is not permitted to do so. e people I will inform about pick-up permission include

STEP 3: Safety in my own residence. ere are many things that a woman can do to increase her safety in her own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step.

STEP 2: Safety when preparing to leave. Battered women frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers o en strike back when they believe that a battered woman is leaving a relationship.

Safety measures I can use: A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible. B. I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.

I can use some or all of the following strategies: A. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with _________________________ so I can leave quickly.

C. I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc.

B. I will keep copies of important documents or keys at _____________________________.

D. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second oor windows.

C. I will open a savings account by __________, to increase my independence.

E. I can install smoke detectors and re extinguishers for each oor of my house/ apartment.

D. Other things I can do to increase my independence include: ___________________ _____________________________________ ______________________________________ ______.

F. I can install an outside lighting system that activates when a person is close to the house. G. I will teach my children how to make a collect call to me and to _________________ (name of friend, etc.) in the event that my partner takes the children. H. I will tell the people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick up my children and that my

E. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I understand that if I use my telephone credit card,the following month’s phone bill will show my batterer those numbers I called

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PAIN. HEALING. ENDURANCE

______________________________ (name of Sunday-school teacher) ______________________________ (name[s] of others) I. I can inform _____________________ (neighbor) and ________________________ (friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and that they should call the police if he is observed near my residence. STEP 4: Safety with an Order of Protection. Many batterers obey protection orders, but one can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protective orders. I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the courts to enforce my protective order. e following are some steps I can take to help the enforcement of my protection order: A. I will keep my protection order _________________________ (location). Always keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that’s the rst thing that should go in the new purse. B. I will give my protection order to police departments in the community where I work, in those communities where I visit friends or family, and in the community where I live. C.

ere should be county and state registries of protection orders that all police departments can call to con rm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is on the registry. e telephone numbers for the county and state registries of protection orders are: _______________________ (county) and _____________________ (state).

D. I will inform my employer; my minister, rabbi, etc.; my closest friend; and

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__________________ that I have a protection order in e ect. E. If my partner destroys my protection order, I can get another copy from the clerk’s o e. F. If the police do not help, I can contact an advocate or an attorney and le a complaint with the chief of the police department or the sheri . G. If my partner violates the protection order, I can call the police and report the violation, contact _________________. STEP 5: Safety on the job and in public. Each battered woman must decide if and when she will tell others that her partner has battered her and that she may be at continued risk. Friends, family, and co-workers can help to protect women. Each woman should carefully consider which people to invite to help secure her safety, I might do any or all of the following: A. I can inform my boss, the security supervisor, and ________________at work. B. I can ask ______________________________ ______ to help me screen my telephone calls at work. C. When leaving work, I can _________________ _______________________________. D. If I have a problem while driving home, I can _______________________________. E. If I use public transit, I can _______________ _____________________________________ ____. F. I will go to di erent grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are di erent from those I kept when residing with my battering partner. G. I can use a di erent bank and go at hours that are di erent from those kept when residing with my battering partner. STEP 6: Safety and drug or alcohol use. Most people in this culture use alcohol. Many use mood-altering drugs. Much of this is legal, although some is not. e legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on battered women, may hurt her relationship with her

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stronger.

children, and can put her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with her battering partner. erefore, women should carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. Beyond this, the use of alcohol or other drugs can reduce a woman’s awareness and ability to act quickly to protect herself from her battering partner. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the batterer may give him an excuse to use violence. Speci safety plans must be made concerning drugs or alcohol use.

F. I can call ____________________________ and ____________________________ for support. G. I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or __________ ________________________________ to gain support and strengthen relationships. STEP 8: Items to take when leaving. When women leave partners, it is important to take certain items. Beyond this, women sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case they have to leave quickly.

If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with my battering partner, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following: A. If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety.

Money: Even if I never worked, I can take money from jointly held savings and checking accounts. If I do not take this money, he can legally take the money and close the accounts.

B. If my partner is using, I can _______________ ________________________________ and/or ______________________________________ _______.

Items on the following lists with asterisks(*) by them are the most important to take with you. If there is time, the other items might be taken, or stored outside the home. ese items might best be placed in one location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, I can grab them quickly. When I leave, I should take:

C. To safeguard my children I might ___________ ________________________________. STEP 7: Safety and my emotional health. e experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. e process of building a new life takes much courage and incredible energy.

• Identi cation for myself* • My birth certi cate* • School and vaccination records*

To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:

• Checkbook, ATM card* • Key house, car, o

A. If I feel down and am returning to a potentially abusive situation, I can ___________________ _____________________________________ ______.

• Medications*

B. When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can ____________ ______________________________________ _______.

• Children’s birth certi cate*

C. I will try to use “I can ... ” statements with myself and be assertive with others.

• Credit cards*

• Welfare identi cation, work permits, green cards*

• Address book • Pictures, jewelry • Children’s favorite toys and/or blankets • Items of special sentimental value • Telephone numbers I need to know: • Police/sheri ’s department (local) 911 or ______________________________ Police/sheri ’s department (work) ______________________________ Police/sheri ’s department (school) ______________________________ Prosecutor’s o e ______________________________ Battered women’s program (local) National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-787-3224 (TTY) www.ndvh.org ______________________________ County registry of protection orders ______________________________ State registry of protection orders ______________________________ Work number ______________________________ Supervisor’s home number I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my potential attacker. Review date: _________________________

• Social Security cards* • Money*

• Driver’s license and registration*

D. I can tell myself, “________________________ _____________________________” whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.

• Copy of protection order* • Passport(s), divorce papers • Medical records for all family members

E. I can read ___________________________ _______________________ to help me feel

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• Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book Bank books, insurance papers

PAIN. HEALING. ENDURANCE

Produced and distributed by: Scars of Survival Magazine LLC

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• Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner. - https://ncadv.org/ • 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female. - https://www.speakcdn.com/ • On one day in 2014, Maryland domestic violence programs served 1,085 victims/survivors; another 160 were turned away due to lack of resources https://www. speakcdn.com/ • One study showed that women and men who experienced food insecurity or housing insecurity in a 12-month period had a significantly higher prevalence of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in that same time period, as compared to women and men who did not experience food insecurity or housing insecurity. -https://nnedv.org/ • In 2016, a 24-hour survey of domestic violence programs across the nation reported that 72,959 adults and children found refuge and help on the survey day, while there were an additional 11,991 requests for services that were unmet because of a lack of resources. -https://nnedv.org/

SCARS OF SURVIVAL MAGAZINE www.openingnewdoors.org

info@openingnewdoors.org www.openingnewdoors.org Facebook Messenger: @openingnewdoorsmd

• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed. - https://ncadv.org/

240-317-7990

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. - https://ncadv.org/

Domestic violence programs and shelters are operating with too little funding and fewer resources and staff. When victims take the difficult step to reach out for help, many are in life-threatening situations and musst be able to fnd immediate safety and support.

Serving Upper Montgomery County, Howard County, Carroll County, & Frederick Count areas.

Some Important Stats...

VERY IMPORTANT: PLEASE BE AWARE THAT WE ARE NOT YET CAPABLE OF 24 HOUR COMMUNICATION. WE ARE MOSTLY AVAILABLE EVENING AND WEEKEND HOURS Our policy is that if you contact us and we are not available, we will not contact you back.Please either send us a message or email stating how you would like to be contacted back. If your abuser enters the room we will cease all communications INSTANTLY if you send us a “.” message. We can pick up the conversation by you sending us a “hey” to pick up the conversation when safe (so we can be sure it’s you).

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

OUR MISSION

Provide victims and survivors of domestic violence, as well as their children with resources, therapy, intensive case management , and supportive wrap-around services to help them successfully become safe and self-sufficient within the community

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What is Domestic Violence (DV)?

If You Answer “YES” To Some or All of These Questions Below t Does he/she monitor your coming and going? t Does he/she control who you can and can’t talk to, or keeps you from spending time with family? t "SF ZPV QSFTTVSFE UP IBWF TFY XIFO ZPV EPO U XBOU UP UP BWPJE B ëHIU t "SF ZPV UPME XIBU ZPV DBO BOE DBO U XFBS

%PNFTUJD 7JPMFODF JT UIF XJMMGVM JOUJNJEBUJPO QIZTJDBM BTTBVMU CBUUFSZ TFYVBM BTTBVMU BO PS other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by POF JOUJNBUF QBSUOFS BHBJOTU BOPUIFS *U JODMVEFT QIZTJDBM WJPMFODF TFYVBM WJPMFODF QTZDIPMPHJDBM WJPMFODF BOE FNPUJPOBM BCVTF *U EPFT OPU discriminate and it can affect anyone, regardless PG JODPNF SBDF FUIOJDJUZ TFYVBM PSJFOUBUJPO or religion. ɨF SFBMJUZ JT UIBU EPNFTUJD WJPMFODF EPFT OPU HP BXBZ PO JUT PXO *OTUFBE JU UFOET UP HFU XPSTF BOE CFDPNF NPSF GSFRVFOU PWFS UJNF BOE FWFO DBO CFDPNF MFUIBM " GFX PG UIF TJHOT BOE symptoms that may alert you or family/a friend UIBU B QSPCMFN NBZ FYJTU JODMVEF t &NPUJPOBM *OTUBCJMJUZ t -BDL PG TPDJBM MJGF *TPMBUFE GSPN GBNJMZ t $POTUBOUMZ BQPMPHJ[JOH t 7JTJCMF CSVJTJOH t &YDVTFT JODPOTJTUFOU XJUI JOKVSJFT t $POUJOVFE TVCTUBODF BCVTF 30

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t Does your partner constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? t )BT IF TIF UISFBUFOFE UP IBSN ZPVS DIJMESFO family or pets if you decide to leave? t Does your partner threaten to take the children away from you or get you deported?

Services Oﬀered by Opening New Doors Foundation, Inc. Our Support and Services Include: t (SPVQ ɨFSBQZ 4QBOJTI BOE &OHMJTI GPS 4VSWJWPST PG %PNFTUJD 7JPMFODF t *OEJWJEVBM ɨFSBQZ t &NFSHFODZ )PVTJOH 3FGFSSBMT t 3FTPVSDF $POOFDUJPO t $POOFDUJPOXJUI .FEJDBM$BSF t 3FMPDBUJPO "TTJTUBODF -PHJTUJDT w i t )PVTJOH 4FBSDI "TTJTUBODF t +PC 5SBJOJOH 1MBDFNFOU "TTJTUBODF t $IJME $BSF BOE 'JOBODJBM "TTJTUBODF "QQMJDBUJPOT t *OEJWJEVBMJ[FE (PBM 1MBOOJOH t 4VQQPSUJWF 4FMG 4VïDJFODZ 1MBOOJOH t0VUSFBDI BOE "XBSFOFTT 1SPHSBNT

t "SF ZPV BGSBJE PG ZPVS QBSUOFS If you believe you’re being abused, you probably are. If you answered YES to even one of these questions, you have the right to be concerned. The signs of domestic violence listed in this brochure are just a few examples. Please contact us at Opening New Doors or for emergencies contact the DV Hotline for more information.

Please see the “VERY IMPORTANT” in the middle section of the back of this brochure for our policies regarding communication.

For Emergencies

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

800-799-SAFE (7233)

Coming Soon

Upcoming Transitional Housing Program for Survivors of Domestic Violence in Montgomery County, MD We are currently in the process of ëOBMJ[JOH PVS QMBOT UP PQFO B transitional housing program for survivors of domestic violence in .POUHPNFSZ $PVOUZ *G ZPV UIJOL ZPV may be able to contribute in some way, please contact us. SCARS OF SURVIVAL MAGAZINE 31

RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND LOVING YOURSELF BY: MALIKA BLESSING

I was born and raised in Oakland, CA as a true Oakland girl who loves “The Town”. I am blessed to have a great relationship with both my mom and dad. Yes, I am a mommy and daddy’s girl, spoiled and not ashamed to say it (laughs). I went to a private school from 2nd grade until High School. Education was very important in my household. Upon my High School graduation, my mom’s only requirement was that

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I should attend an HBCU for my undergraduate degree. She wanted me to experience, learn, and appreciate my black culture and witness black excellence. So, I attended Grambling State University in Grambling, LA where I not only received my Bachelors, I received my Master’s degree as well in Liberal Arts with a concentration in Theater. While attending Grambling I became a proud member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated. After

graduation, it was time to pursue my career and follow my dreams of becoming a Hollywood actress. I am also a mother to my 8-year-old son Nehemiah Brown, and I have been blessed to have two bonus children my daughter Maya Brown, and son Donivan Harrison. My parents got divorced when I was 4 years old. Despite the divorce, they did a great coparenting job and were both there for me while growing up. I was fortunate to have never witnessed any form of domestic violence in my family while growing up. However, in college, I did see my friend go through abuse. Something I never thought I would witness. I grew up in a very well-connected family, where on Fridays, we would spend quality time together going to Denny’s. As I child, I was embarrassed until I got older. Now, I realized the importance of it. I remember having a comfortable childhood raised with love. We had a peaceful upbringing. My father taught me a lot about work ethic and encouraged me to be independent and my mother taught me about having an important relationship with God, being confident, classy, and a lady. I was an undergraduate student and had been dating this guy for 2 years. He was supportive in every way. He was charming, good-looking, and very protective. He was the ideal boyfriend; he didn’t drink or do drugs. I believed that he was the guy you would want to bring home to mom, “The Husband”. However, a drastic change occurred. After spring break, he told me he was bringing his wife and son to live with us. I was shocked and appalled. How can this even be?! I did not approve of that type of relationship. Because of my disapproval, he claimed that I was disobedient. He even gave me a pamphlet on how to deal with my emotions and to learn how to become submissive. I remember this particular incident where he followed me to a friend’s house and accused me of cheating on him. When I started talking back, he said “B**ch, you’re not leaving me” and hit me. I fell on the car. He then ordered me to get in the car and go home. It was a scary moment. I was debating inside on whether I should call the police or not. This was the first time I saw

him like this and evidently, I was very shocked. I did not call the police and decided to go home. He tailgated me all the way home. Once we arrived, I asked him why did he hit me, and was trying to calm him down. He continued to walk in circles and asked me “What’s the Science” I had no clue what he was talking about. I was desperately trying to reason with him and I failed continuously. Out of fear, I told him that I didn’t want to and couldn’t be in a relationship like this. He struck me again. Despite asking why he was being like this over and again, he kept cursing at me and repeatedly hit me. In the shock of the moment, I didn’t even realize that he had busted my head over my left eye and broke a blood vessel. He then kept apologizing, crying, and saying “My queen”. At that point, when I saw him cry, I melted. I felt that he truly loved me because I had never seen him cry like that. He ended up taking me to the hospital. At the hospital when asked, I told the doctor that I fell. The doctors asked if I wanted him to leave and he gave me a look. I knew what to say. I felt ashamed and ended up having to get stitches. When I returned, my roommate shook his head. He told me that I was better than this and get to my senses. However, I ended up feeling sorry for him and wanted to protect him. Instead of focusing on what he put me through and thinking of myself, I started blaming myself. He stayed with me 24 hours a day and helped me clean my wound. I would see my stitches and start crying. I told him after 7 days of seeing my wound that I couldn’t take it anymore and I couldn’t be with him. I was thinking about what my family would say. He kept sending me gifts and flowers to school. My counselor said that if I kept accepting his gifts, the problem would not be fixed. If you’re done, you’re done! Hanging in this uncertainty is not healthy. The counselor offered to help me and get the police involved. The police ended up talking to him. From that day, I never saw him again. I did get used to the verbal abuse even in a new relationship. I experienced crazy talk again

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and that’s when I realized I was going through verbal abuse. After my first experience, I knew that verbal abuse would eventually turn into physical abuse. Despite having the support of my friends and family, I hid my suffering. I was worried about what other people might think and say. It took me seven long years before I left this relationship and survived. It was a verbally abusive relationship. Verbal abuse can be as scarring as physical abuse. I always had a defense mechanism put up. Due to these traumatic experiences, I was not used to being loved and supported. I experienced domestic violence at the age of 20 and again at 35. Today’ I have overcome domestic violence because I understand my worth and don’t compromise my happiness and safety. I was a part of a play called The Conversation by Tasha Biltmore where we had to do a PSA to bring awareness of domestic violence. That is when I shared my story and that is when I knew I had overcome it. I then began sharing the importance of having a relationship with God and loving myself. I am a queen and deserve respect. I should not lower my standards for anyone. I have always been someone who loves and helps others. However, a big challenge for me was my trust issues. The trauma from the abuse I went through made it extremely difficult to trust the intention of others. In the beginning, the honeymoon phase is always nice, but when is that going to change? I just kept waiting for him to switch. I could never enjoy love and comfort in the relationship because I kept trying to find a fault. The trust issues had me overthinking a lot. Then I slowly learned to let go, forgive and not let my past dictate my presence. After experiencing what I went through, I don’t make any compromises. I have a zero-tolerance and will leave immediately without thinking twice. Now I’m in love and know how to receive love from my better half, Danny De Lloyd.

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Acting is something that I have always wanted to do. My teachers told my mother that I have always read with expressions. I actively was the leader and responsible for doing skits at the family functions. I was also involved in a lot of activities but acting is what brought sparks to my heart. It became my passion and the only thing I wanted to do. My stellar acting work on screen and stage coupled with my unparalleled work behind the scenes with some of the industry’s biggest names is what makes me an invaluable asset. I just finished filming “Love on a Two Way Street” written by Don B Welch on UMC now known as ALLBLK, starring Vanessa Williams, and Dorien Wilson. Besides being an actress, I am also Michael Colyar’s producing partner on all his projects. My best friend Tiffany Rebecca Royale and I started our own production company Royale Blessing Entertainment. We have a hit web series on YouTube created by Tiffany, myself, and Jaimyon Parker called “Tess and Jackie #LifeAF”. Our 1st episode is up now called “Smelling the Rona” which I’m proud to say we shot on an iPhone by ourselves. We have an entire season and will be launching the remaining episodes soon. To receive updates on Royale Blessing Entertainment, you can find our channel Royale Blessing Ent on YouTube and our website www.royaleblessingentertainment. com My words to my readers would be, to always stay focused on your path, have a relationship with God, and know your self-worth. You can be anything you want to be and when you put God first anything is possible. Have FAITH and BELIEVE. Remember this scripture Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in DUE season we shall REAP, if we faint not.” To keep in touch with my journey follow me on IG @actressmalikablessin.

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ABUSIVE MARRIAGE SITUATION DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BY: CHARLOTTE PINKNEY

Many people might not be aware of me, but my name is Charlotte and I am today lifting up my silence on the domestic abuse I have gone through within my marriage and how painful time I have survived. I am a mother, a preschool teacher, and I am celebrating 30 years of my work and I have recently been honored for my work by the mayor of San Francisco. I count all these huge blessings by God and most importantly the vital blessing was to have the inevitable strength to surpass such grieving time sustaining ample amount of pain. I have been in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, whilst having two children. My daughter was only three months old, so she had no idea at the slightest what was happening, but my son, he was five years old at the time. So, he knew what was happening, and that poor child had to experience that with me, but God saved us through it all. It was quite frightening because my husband would lash out on me in front of my children and abuse me right in front of their sight which had a bad impact on the children and they were frightened by the situation. I know that I endured with something major because when I was pregnant with our second

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child, before the break up, we got in this big fight and he stepped on my stomach and I was eight months pregnant, he hit me so hard, I started bleeding and I thought I was going to lose my second child. And it was major that I overcame and survived that. And my daughter, every day I look at her, I think to myself that, she’s my miracle child. Things were getting out of hand so I needed help and in the form of support I got to join this program that helped women suffering from domestic violence known as ‘Women’s Inc’, where they check on you and provide you all the help you require, to check on how the person is doing, are basic necessities available? So that was a great hand to held onto. Plus, I got great support from my church ministry as I have been there as a greeter for long. For my own safety I decided to move away from him with my kids and I did the same. I moved away and he was following me and trying to find me. But I moved into a different state and started a job. I informed my employer about the background and I had my restraining order in place in case he comes and abuses me, he would’ve been arrested. My employer was supportive of me and I had security at my work

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so he didn’t come there. I considered myself as a survivor the day I decided to move on because I was worried for my wellbeing as well as my kids, because if I wouldn’t have taken that decision, he would’ve killed me and my truth and my anger. Because my ex-husband married twice or thrice and he repeated the same behavior with his other wives and the second wife tried to reach out to me but I couldn’t converse or connect with her. All women go through that feeling like, who’s going to want me? I went through this and I have kids, I went through a lot that was really a bad time for me. But I went to counseling and other sources. So, through friends, counseling and a lot of my church support and family support, I got through it, you know, but it wasn’t easy. I dealt with that for a while. At least two years. I think I had a really bad time with that. I went to a psychologist at the hospital. I have my own private psychologists to help me, she’s called a behavioral psychologist where we have to get through those traumas with anxiety and depression and to look at the key points, what causes it and try to not go back through those situations. It really helped me a lot because I was able to share things with him. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with other people. So, thank God they even have services like that because it helped me so much. I started doing yoga and meditating to preserve my mental health too. I have been an author of one book so far. My second book is still in the making. My second book is titled ‘God’s smiled on me. Watch me rise.’ It took me maybe three to four years because different things were happening in between me writing that. So, it took me a couple of years of writing. It was hard for me while I was writing the book because it was a recollection of so many bad instances which I never wanted to remember. So, it was a tough time for me to

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write every detail. I used to breathe as instructed by my specialist and took breaks amidst writing but continued to compile my story in one book by recollecting my strength. I never thought I would write such a story because I was originally going to write about my life, losing my parents at a young age, growing up in Palatka, and moving to the big city and being hungry and not having only used to have two pair of shoes, one with a hole in them. And I was so happy. But I didn’t even imagine that I will get that twist of meet somebody to take me to something so painful. But I collaborated both of them in the book I wrote about that as well as my abusive marriage. I plucked up all the courage to mention all my survival stories in a book because I felt like it was important and it could help someone else. But one thing that has been consistent with me is that I have always been thankful for what I ever had. I came from a lower-class segment where we didn’t have enough in the childhood but since then till now, I praise the Lord for blessing me whatever I have despite what circumstances came on to me. I haven’t been ungrateful ever. I would like to encourage every female to pray, always keep God first and know that you are worthy and you are beautiful and you are strong warrior, because when you go through stuff like that, these men break our spirits so bad that we feel like we’re nothing. I want you all to know that you are beautiful. You all are strong be a warrior. If you are a queen then you can do everything. I had to learn that too, that you are enough of someone worthy to love you for the queen that you are and to run and never look

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back. I would advise all the females that always return to God first and everything. I do pray. I’ve got to do this. And if you have one friend, one neighbor go to them, someone that genuinely cares about you, go to them and ask them for help. Because it got to be somebody in your life that will help you. One person. And if you don’t have them go call 911, but I’m praying to God that you at least have one person that you can go to get some help and some support. It is important to notice when the abuse is starting and how anyone who is abusing you changes their behavior. It is vital and I advise all ladies to keep an eye on your better half if he is taking drugs or drinking too much because my husband was using all sorts of drugs and I didn’t know about it, which compelled and increased the abuse on me. It is important to speak up as soon as the abuse starts or you are mindful of the fact that abuse could occur on you. Concluding my story, the most important lesson I want any female in the world to have is to speak up for yourself, pluck up courage and take a stand for yourself and overcome your abuse incidents and come off as a stronger woman than before. I’m overcoming because of God’s grace and mercy. He had his hand on me the whole time. I really believe that if God wasn’t near me in his Holy Spirit was just over my life. I could be dead today. I really believe they’re in the room. Covering me it’s angels, it had to be because sometime we will fight to that intent that someone could have lost their life. Therefore, it is important to share your stories with the world and make yourself stronger every day.

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DEAR MONICA

Recognizing Your Self-Worth We often take for granted how special and unique we are. Through the experiences and encounters we have had with other people may have at times made us doubt ourselves which causes us to foster negative perceptions about ourselves. When we listen to others about how we must act, dress, eat, walk, talk and even feel causes these negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. These constant ridicules and rude remarks may come from family members, significant others and even the so-called friends that we have and their views can eventually take its toll. MerriamWebster dictionary defines self-worth as “a sense of one’s own value as a human being”. Shaped As human beings we are continuously shaped and molded by the images of others and of society. Weibell (2011) reports, “The

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basic assumption of the self-worth model is that multiple factors influence one’s sense of self worth”. Our environment plays an instrumental role in shaping/molding us such as our communities, family, friends, religion and even the education system. The community and its leaders can influence how we view ourselves because they can import their beliefs on us. These leaders may suggest that our direction in life should consist of generous amounts of volunteerism in our lives. The same community leaders influences also suggest that if you are not dedicating time to volunteer, then you can be viewed in a negative light and may describe this as being selfish or self-centered, which again is an unfavorable view of you from others. When looking at relationships with family, friends and significant others it’s safe to say that they will have different variations of the person they want you to be. The variations of the person that your family, friends, and significant others may suggest for you could

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cause pressure on you because you may feel the need to conform to the image that they have of you in their minds. This can vary from being polite, passive, non-aggressive, quiet, complacent, compliant, and the list goes on and on. These expectations can be stressful and overwhelming at times especially when you are trying to please different people on so many different levels. Religion can also influence the way we conduct ourselves in our lives. We may strive to be like religious people who are regarded as “living examples”. Educational institutions have also embedded societal exceptions that are taught through schools in subjects such as Social Studies, English and History. With so many external variables attempting to implant their versions of who you should be, it can definitely be overwhelming. Identify Your Attributes You should take a look at these questions: who are you? What are some things that are unique about yourself? What makes you different from others? Look at these questions and answer them instead of focusing on what others think of you or focusing on those who only point out negative features. Celebrate your attributes! Applaud yourself for being smart, pretty, tall, short, witty, curious and whatever other attributes that make you uniquely you! I even challenge you to love your shortcomings as some would call them, such as your quirkiness, stuttering, freckles and other features that you have. All these features that make you distinctive. Can you imagine if we all ate, spoke, walk, sleep and think the exact same way? Embrace your idiosyncrasies! Acknowledge that you indeed are special and therefore you do not have to subscribe to the

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image of others to be liked or loved. Identify those skills, talents and abilities that you possess and conquer your dreams and your life goals with no regrets. Just Be You Just be yourself no matter what the pressures that present to conform to societal norms, you still can hold your head up high while being true to yourself. If people are a part of your life or would like to be a part of your life, then understand that they will need to accept your qualities. I understand as humans become one within their marriage, there will be times you will adjust and compromise on some things to make your marriage successful. However, when adjusting or compromising within the marriage it should never be to the point or subjecting yourself to any forms of emotional verbal or physical abuse. The marriage and even other interpersonal relationships such as your family and friends, should never include continuous ridicule, constant negative comments and degrading remarks, those are not conducive to healthy relationships. Look around you, celebrate with those who celebrate you. Support those who support you. Surround yourself with positive energy and positive mindsets. Love yourself, encourage yourself, and most importantly - never lose yourself. Reference: Weibell, C. J. (2011). Principles of learning: 7 principles to guide personalized, studentcentered learning in the technologyenhanced, blended learning environment. Retrieved September 16, 2020 from [https:// principlesoflearning.wordpress.com].

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RELEARNING INDEPENDENCE BY: MARIATU KARGBO

Many spectators and experts do believe that women who experienced domestic violence are able to overcome domestic violence situations and the negative impact it has on them. However, all of them agree that relearning independence from abusive relationship is often challenging and tough. According to these domestic violence experts, while domestic violence – whether physical or mental abuse- is brutal, many of the abused women must have to relearn how to thrive away from the abusive scenario. While evolving through abusive partnership, selfsubsistence and independence from impact of abuse must stand at the forefront while relearning repetitive old and abusive tactics and ways. However, in many instances, women are able to rethink and relearn their independence by taking crucial steps in stopping the abuse. Domestic violence women must rethink and re-evaluate their resources whether financial, economic, family, work, health, etc., by relearning this tough, narrow, rugged terrain in helpful tactics as they move from abused to survivor both for the woman and the children. Relearning independence from the domestic

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violence abuser means the abused woman must ask her abuser to stop the abuse, ask family or friends to intervene to stop or intercede the abuser, and ask for financial or economic support from the family network of healing partners. Seeking a psychological counselor can assist the victim of abuse in mitigating the harmful effects of abuse and the challenges owing to independence and freedom from the abuserspouse or partner. Relearning independence involves weighing what would be lost when the relationship ends and weighing how to secure some properties that will be needed to sustain livelihood by seeking assistance through various humanitarian agencies (like the House of Ruth in Montgomery County, Maryland) in your neighborhood or any other group that may be able to stop domestic violence partner from attacking their victims again. Also, food banks (e.g. Washington DC area Capital Food Bank) are crucial in cases of food shortage during independence from domestic violence situations. In addition, the abused partner must look for government work or programs in her community that keeps identities confidential in

searching for work, especially ones that would not give out the names and addresses of their clients. These government work organizations are able to call the police if the abused is still getting stalked and can assist in works that the abused did not have prior knowledge. Relearning independence from domestic violence requires the activation of certain programs in the communities where the abused found themselves, such as Back To Work Initiatives, and Back To School Initiatives that put the abused on a new career path that could

prove beneficial. Also, housing assistance and hiring a housing counselor can be instrumental in changing incredibly abusive housing patterns. Furthermore, financial and economic assistance, mortgage assistance such as low or no down payments and maintaining an economically sound financial recovery plan by hiring a wealth counselor for the domestically abused woman can be some helpful measures. In relearning independence, the domesticated woman should learn heavy tactics to regained her wealth, well-being, and weather the storms of marital separation, and divorce at the hands

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of the domestic abuser. The abused woman should learn about state and federal government response programs and community based programs; their assistance understandably goes a long way in relearning independence from domestic abuses. Finally, in relearning independence from domestic violence situations, the abused should hire a security guard for her protection and a personal investigator to prevent the abusive spouse or partner from reconnecting. Relearning independence from domestic violence means rechanneling abusive habits and thoughts into a healthy, happy, and more productive life, work environment and home environment for the abused and children. It can be helpful to take advice from other women who have recovered from domestic violence, and learn the track patterns of abuse to health as well as learning the financial patterns away from the abuser. Staying positive, staying away from the abuser, and learning healthy financial lessons are key to a more productive life.

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WHO WE CAN HELP?

Free to Fly is a group of women who have previously experienced abuse to some degree in their relationships and chose to choose herself first, thus giving herself permission to be free to fly! So many women and men suffer in silence in abusive relationships and we want to ensure that no matter who you are, or what stage your relationship is in, you have the freedom to choose.

Women who are in an abusive relationship and wants to see their options and have someone to talk to You know someone who is in an abusive relationship and not sure how you can help them

HOW WE CAN HELP: Free to fly provides support to those that may be suffering by being the bridge for them to reach out and gather the resources necessary for them to find the assistance and education they need to make that decision for themselves. This group of leaders have all been there and know that support was the number one priority for making this difficult decision. When the abused have the support they need of others they can soar! We call ourselves “Guiding Angels” because we will provide the temporary wings they need until they can provide their own.

We will listen without any judgements or agenda We will help you bring out the strength in you to have power in your own life We will navigate through resources to find a safe exit plan specific to your situation

Free to Fly is Not a Non-Profit that takes in the abused. We are simply the guiding angels that provide the support, bridge to resources and education, and most importantly the hotlines that they may need to be free once again.

CALL OR TEXT: (602) 341-5840

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EMAIL: CONTACT@YOUAREFREETOFLY.COM

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BREAKING GENERATIONAL CYCLES BY: SHAMEKA CHAPPLE

The first step in breaking generational cycles is to admit there is need for a change, and be the one to say “I am going to break this curse off of our family so that my children will not have to be affected and their children will not have to be affected either.” We have to begin to look deep within ourselves and ask the pertinent question, “What pattern have I been repeating?” If you are an alcoholic, try to identify when you took your first drink and who in your family suffers from alcoholism as well. Get counseling; go to treatment programs to help you overcome your addiction. A lot of people seek prayer and help from their spiritual leaders who offer spiritual counseling and guidance, and link up with an accountability partner who holds them accountable. These are some ways that can help break the cycle.

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Sometimes it helps to sit family down, discuss the issues that have been going on for generations and come up with a solution to help break the cycle. Sit even with your children to discuss different behavioral patterns you see in them and help them recognize where it came from, family wise, so that they can work on themselves to break the cycle. Let me name some cycles that must be broken: Hurt, Abuse, Low self-esteem, Molestation, Rape, Alcoholism, Gambling, Poverty etc. These are some generational cycles that stem from ages past. As I stated earlier, once you recognize this is a cycle that must be broken, then you can begin to work on the problem.

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Model | Adrienne Sterns-Price SCARS OF SURVIVAL MAGAZINE 57

STOP ASKING ME WHY I STAYED BY: ADELL F. SEARIGHT

Some of you may not know me but I am breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence. I shared my testimony three years ago about how I was in an abusive relationship for almost 18 years. I was abused mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially, socially, and physically in my marriage. Yes, I was abused by my ex-husband even to the point of being kicked by him with his shoes on. Although I suffered multiple abuses, there were also multiple reasons why I stayed. First, I stayed because I loved my husband. I thought maybe he would change when he would realize I was there forever, so I thought. He always would promise me it would not happen anymore, so I stayed. Family and friends asked me, “Why did you stay?” Secondly, I stayed for my children. I did not want to uproot them from their home to live somewhere else. My oldest son stayed majority of the times with my grandparents. My younger son stayed at home with my ex-husband and I because he was very sickly from the age of six

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relationship and was trying to keep up an appearance as if I wasn’t. During my marriage, I searched for instant gratification and tried to avoid dealing with many challenges which attributed into me staying. As you can see, every one of these misguided reasons can also unfortunately be a perfectly valid reason to stay. After examining myself, I realized that leaving was more about me moving toward taking care of me. I choose to take care of myself, my health—mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially.

months old until the age of 10. I wanted to make sure that their lives were somewhat stable. Thirdly, I stayed because of fear of the unknown. I was so fearful and did not know how to survive after leaving. I feared that he would follow me wherever I go. I stayed because I was afraid he would find me and take my younger son. I even had a car to drive but could not take it with me if I left. I did not know how and where to pick up the pieces in my life. When living in the fear of the unknown it is very hard to leave, so I stayed. Fourthly, I stayed because of financial reasons. I was an independent woman and always helped to bring income into the home just as I am now. I stayed because I did not have access to money. I had money but was too afraid to get money out of our account. Whenever I asked to get money out of our account, the answer was no. And fifthly, I stayed because I had too much invested and I did not want to admit the mistake I made of being in a bad relationship. I stayed because I was ashamed of being in an abusive

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BUILDING A STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM BY: LAURA MOSELEY

When persons suffering from abuse are trying to get out of their active relationship or are trying to recover from violence and re-establish their life separately, they would need a strong support system in place to help them transition to the status of ‘survivor.’ However, gathering or creating a strong, solid support system is not always easy. If done systematically, it can be achieved despite the abuser’s best attempts to previously isolate the victim. ‘Why is a support system so vital,’ you might ask? It’s the victim that needs to get out and move on, right? Support systems are vital for victims to transition to independence. Support systems, or groups of individuals, agencies, organizations, and resources, help the victims to regain their sense of security and self-esteem. Victimization has isolated the victims to the point of them not wanting to rely on anyone or ask anyone for help, but realistically they need the assistance to be able to move forward and to do so safely. Transitioning the victim to independence breaks the trauma bond with their abuser.

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In order for the victims to realize their support needs, many therapists and mental health professions suggest that the victim make a chart which looks much like a target or bull’s eye. The innermost circle will represent the victim, and the subsequent circles will represent different categories of support that the victim will need to be successful, with the victim customizing it to their particular situation. First, the victim needs to assess existing relationships with close friends and family in order to know who to rely on for love and support during their transition period. These relationships can assist the victim with safety measures, temporary housing, transportation, fellowship, babysitting -- the small but important things that can help the victim to start the process of re-establishing a safe life on their own, away from the abuser. The support provides the victim with the most emotional support which is important for managing healthy emotions and stress. These relationships can also provide tangible support, such as money or necessary assets to help with starting over. The victim should avoid people that were

their mutual friends with the abusing party as well as the abuser’s family because their intentions/loyalties could change. Next, the victim has to transition to selfcare and re-establish their former selves by re-exploring their likes and interests. This helps to establish new support persons and connections. This aligns them with likeminded individuals who will allow the victim to grow and adapt, also filling the void of the toxic relationship. Victims can do this

through exploring previous hobbies, physical fitness, new interests, volunteer positions, new employment, etc. This can also offer emotional support which starts to foster satisfaction and well-being. Social needs, such as a sense of being included and a part of something start to form as well. Then, victims need to list support groups that can assist them in their healing process. These groups can include but are not limited to: Domestic Abuse Support, Sexual Abuse

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Support, Co-Dependency Support, VictimSupport, And Children-Advocacy. Victims need to see what is available in their area. If there was substance abuse involved, their groups may include Al-Anon or any pertinent twelve-step substance abuse support group. This group provides informational support by providing resources for the victim to enable them help themselves to rebuild. The next outward circle of the target is community organizations that can assist the victim with immediate needs, such as food, shelter, protection or any social service needs. Domestic abuse support and protection need to be a part of this section. Financial abuse is often a factor in the event of domestic abuse. So the appropriate organizations and resources to help them to re-establish living independently and healthy, as well as ensuring safety, security, and privacy are expedient. These groups can also provide tangible support. Lastly, the outer ring should include professional supports. These supports can include but are not limited to: mental health/ therapists, doctors, law enforcement, lawyers, advocates, social services workers etc. These can be professionals for all who suffered abuse, victims and children alike. This group offers social supports that finalize the detachment from abuse and the transition to independence. Support groups are the epitome of “it takes a village,” as it truly is a group effort to stop abuse. Violence hurts everyone, especially if the target diagram is viewed more as a pebble (the abuse) thrown into a pond. The ripples touch everyone as they spread and dissipate.

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On the surface, Amanda Dieumercie is your average pre-teen but she is so much more. Amanda is a leading student in her classes at changing lives academy Where she participates in many on campus activities such as volleyball At home she helps around that house as she works on her business. Amanda always ensured her peers with a positive attitude and a willingly attitude to help. She’s so efficient at creating positive memories for her friends that she built a job for herself. Her friends have loved her “Dream Bags” filled with fun goodies for girls of all ages. Her bags include a choice of lip glosses such as: Pineapple, Cotton Candy, and Coconut to name a few. These beautiful bags also include Colorful hair ties and Slim amongst other goodies that change throughout the year. Amanda has mastered producing high volumes of products that can fit any need. Her specialty made long-lasting formula has provided a high-level of clients. She caters to major personal, professional, and groups therefore these bags can be personalized for parties and events. Amanda’s friends now considers her the “Lip Gloss Princess”

You can contact Amanda-Dreams at (321) 210-2772 or Facebook: Amanda_dreams07 YouTube channel: Amanda Dreams TV

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sathya Callender

MODEL PICTURE | PAGE 2 Vanessa Lowry - Kandid Photos

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sathya Callender

MODEL PICTURE | PAGE 57 Makeup by Jeri Guyette Dress by VDINX

COVER PHOTOGRAPHER 2819 photography productions

LAYOUT DESIGNER Ana Tavares

DISCLAIMER “The stories and testimonies within this publication are shared by alleged victims of domestic abuse. Victims, by default, are to be taken seriously, because of the amount of courage it takes to share their experiences — to be used only for the sole sake of inspiring others who themselves are trying to overcome and survive domestic abuse. This publication can not be held responsible for legal inconsistencies within the surviviors’ stories. Alleged abusers will never be named and their identities protected, just as victims’ identities are protected when alleged abuse initially occurs.”

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ALL RIGHTS All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or part without permission from the publisher. The views expressed in Scars of Survival Magazine, LLC. are the views of the contributors and not necessarily shared by the magazine and its staff. The magazine welcomes new contributors but can assume no responsibility for manuscripts, photographs, or illustrations.

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