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Parenting in a Busy World

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Year 6 Graduation

Year 6 Graduation

Renowned Child Psychologist Dr Emma Woodward recently spoke at the St Cuthbert’s staff only day focused on wellbeing.

Emma has a few roles, one of which is the lead psychologist and content creator for SchoolTV in New Zealand. SchoolTV is a tool which our parent community is finding beneficial as a source of information on tricky parenting topics such as vaping, social media, coping with overwhelm and more. We took the opportunity to talk to her about some of the approaches she recommends for parenting and learned how curiosity, connection and compassion, are key to helping the next generation reimagine their future.

Our world today is in a constant state of flux. From climate change to wars, social media, a rising cost of living, the pandemic, the housing shortage, an increase in awareness of mental health issues and more, it can feel overwhelming staying on top of things as adults, let alone raising well-adjusted children. Emma says parents may need to consider letting go of some of the ways of thinking that were useful, helpful and appropriate when they themselves were young, and move to focusing on what the children of today need to thrive.

One of Emma’s top pieces of advice is that parents need to stop and think about themselves and be more self-aware. What underlies their parenting style? What are they carrying over from their own upbringing? Emma says that a lot of our parenting behaviours and values are largely influenced by our own experience of being parented. Unless we are curious to examine whether that is still fit for purpose ,we can unconsciously replicate patterns which may not be appropriate in today’s changing society. One key area this is evident is that we may be providing too narrow a definition of success for our kids and may need to re-evaluate what success means in a changing world. She says to consider removing a focus on success being limited to financial or material success, or status, which only a few people will attain. This can lead to ‘compare and despair’ for young people, if they feel they don’t make the grade.

Emma says one of the key things to focus on is cultivating curiosity which is the foundation to all innovation and integral in being able to adapt well to, and navigate change. She says it is important to examine how to cultivate curiosity and that parents need to encourage this generation to see the possibilities rather

“When a parent truly connects with their kids, in a way that makes them feel seen, heard, validated and loved, then this will usually result in positive life outcomes”

Dr Emma Woodward

than the pitfalls. She recommends promoting being curious about yourself and your own inner workings and that teaching ourselves and our children to become self-aware and emotionally literate are fundamental to wellbeing. One easy example that Emma herself uses with her four sons is to ask them to focus on something good that happened, each day over the dinner table. This can help train the brain to look for the positives in each day.

Emma says cultivating a connection with children that is genuine and authentic is key. She says when a parent truly connects with their kids, in a way that makes them feel seen, heard, validated and loved, then this will usually result in positive life outcomes, and can act as a buffer against life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Emma says that from a neuro-scientific perspective, a child needs another human being to validate their existence, and show them that they are fundamentally OK as they are. She says at a very basic level, every child needs at least one adult that delights in them, without the weight of expectation that they need to change to be approved of. Through this connection, parents can then help their children understand their own emotions and encourage good, pro-social choices for themselves. She highlights that it is impossible to make good pro-social choices if you see others as a threat or competition to your own success. If our children can change the record and think ‘there is only one me, and this is the best version of myself’, they won’t have that constant pressure of comparison and competition. Our children may then be free to discover what they enjoy doing and are very likely to be good at, she says.

The third area of focus, says Emma, is compassion. She says compassion is one of the most important things a parent can teach to their children. This is both true compassion for others, and selfcompassion. Research shows that self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, actually pushes people to be their best selves. Selfcompassion gives a person the strength to carry on when things seem tough whereas self-esteem tends to have a comparative element e.g. “I know I am alright because I am doing better than you”, which is tough when that is challenged. Emma explains that self-compassion is when someone knows their values, then tries their hardest and understands that sometimes things don’t work out in accordance with their preferences, but feels they can move on rather than being overwhelmed by a sense of failure.

Emma concludes that when we teach ourselves and our children self-compassion, helping them to know their values and act in accordance with them, unhook them from a defined narrow version of success and connect with and accept our children for who they authentically are. This will provide our kids the ability to feel safe and curious enough to radically rethink the world as we know it. That will be this generation’s legacy.

Dr Emma Woodward is Founder of The Child Psychology Service, a TEDx Speaker, Clinical Director of the NZ Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience and Lead Psychologist and Content Creatorfor School TV.

In memory of Queen Elizabeth II

On September 9th, New Zealand woke to the news that Queen Elizabeth II had passed away.

A book was set up in which the girls could write their messages of condolence.

Principal Justine Mahon found the words to perfectly surmise both her sadness at the loss suffered, but also gratitude for having experienced such a remarkable woman on the throne. Addressing the girls at a full school assembly, Justine spoke of the contribution of HM majesty, Queen Elizabeth II…

“Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor came to the throne on the death of her father King George the 6th, on February the 6th, 1952. At the age of 25, she became the sovereign of almost 140 million people. Over her reign of seven decades, she worked with 15 British prime ministers, met a dozen US presidents, 4 popes and other countless leaders. She was the most world travelled monarch in history, undertaking more than 270 overseas trips, including 10 visits to New Zealand.

At the news of her death, tributes have poured in from around the world- President Biden calling her “a stateswoman of unmatched dignity and constancy “

President Emmanuel Macrone hailing her immutable moral authority, stating she was a woman who stood alongside the giants of the 20th century on the path of history.

was defined by “grace, elegance and a tireless work ethic.”

During a conversation that our own Prime Minister had with the Queen, in 2020, during the lockdown, Jacinda Ardern asked Her Majesty how she was passing the time. The queen said she had been listening to radio about a political prisoner and then commented that listening to that, made one feel rather small. Ardern commented that although with some, the role of a leader can make you distant from people, she never got the sense that that had happened to the Queen, which was, she said, extraordinary.

We here at St Cuthbert’s, mourn, particularly, the loss of an outstanding role model, whom some of your generation have called a feminist icon.

Queen Elizabeth was thrust into being a working mother at a time in society when this was unusual, she was very visibly in charge, when not many women were. When asked how she managed to juggle bringing up children, with so many other responsibilities, she replied that…”you just have to get on “and get on she did, working up until two days before her death.

Her sense of duty was extraordinary and as a teenager during the war, she urged her father to let her get in and help. The royal family had not fled London during the blitz and she finally managed to persuade King George to let her train as a mechanic, learning how to drive and maintain vehicles, in the Auxiliary Territorial Service.

Attitudes towards women and opportunities for them, changed enormously during the decades of Queen Elizabeth’s reign but she recognized there was still much to be done and when the theme on Commonwealth Day in 2011 , was announced as “Women as Agents of Change”, her speech urged that women should have a greater role, reminding us of the potential in our societies that is yet to be fully unlocked, as we find ways to allow girls and women to play their full part.

Yes, we know that hers was a privileged position in a material sense, but she recognized that this was a springboard from which she must help others, which she did tirelessly, with grace and humour, for 70 years.

“You too, have a debt to pay, in ensuring that your lives are the embodiment of the College motto, By Love Serve, that you use your good fortune to contribute to humanity as Her Majesty did, drawing strength from the light of her outstanding example.”

—Justine Mahon Assembly Friday 9 September 2022.

Prime Minister Narendra Modi of India defined Queen Elizabeth as “a stalwart of our times, someone who personified dignity and decency in private life”.

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