Talking About Tragedy

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

- Fred Rogers

In an ideal world, parents would be able to shield their children from all the negative news that constantly bombards them. But our world is far from ideal. Shielding our children is challenging because not only does news travels faster than ever, but the line between truth, satire, and fake news is so blurred. Childhood should be a carefree time but it can also be riddled with stress, especially when kids are constantly exposed to news of crime, violence, and tragedy.

Stress is the body’s reaction to situations that occur within and outside the body. Stress can be helpful and has been hard-wired into our human physiology for survival. The body’s stress “fight-orflight” response is beneficial to help you survive a potentially life-threatening encounter by pumping adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream to help you fight harder. However, stress can go from being helpful and life-saving to harmful and life-damaging. We know that childhood is an especially sensitive period of development for their brains and bodies. Children are particularly sensitive to repeated stress activation which is why exposure to distressing news can be traumatic and hurt their overall well-being. These tips will help prepare you to have hard and honest conversations with your children.

Process

This is the most important step of this process and it requires that you, as the adult, set the tone. Heavy news triggers emotions that need to be processed. You have to take note of your feelings before diving into heavy conversations with your kids. Why? Because children are extremely sensitive and attuned beings. They will pay attention to your tone, pace of speech, and body language for guidance. Their sense of safety comes from you. They are going to look at you to make sure that you are calm, that routines are still happening, and most importantly, that boundaries are still being held. Your actions and your attitude are way more important than any actual words you say and that requires that you sit down with your emotions first.

Pause

Once you process your feelings, take a moment to consider your child's age and developmental stage. Some kids may mature faster than others, and some kids may be more resilient, but consider the fact that their brains are still developing. Brain development continues well into our 20s! We know through thorough research that trauma and stress can also overload and permanently affect a child’s developing system. This "pause" is not only to consider their age but also to think about what is happening in their bodies (i.e. hormonal changes) and what is currently going on in their lives. If your child has been under a lot of stress at school, it may not be an appropriate time to go into a deep discussion about school shootings. Young kids also have trouble deciphering real vs. fake so in some cases, even if the information is age appropriate, holding off is best.

Prepare

This is the point where you anticipate how you will respond to tears, fear, and maybe even anger. Although it is hard to anticipate what children will ask, it is a good idea to be prepared to both ask and answer some hard questions. Ask them how the news of whatever you just shared makes them feel. Validate those feelings even if they seem illogical to you. Reassure them that it is ok to feel sadness and grief, and remind them that there is so much good in this world too. Fred Rogers shared that when he saw tragic things on the news, his mother would say to him, “Look for the helpers.” Ask them if they can name some good people and the good deeds that they do? Ask them how they might be able to do something good for someone.

Answer questions slowly. It’s ok to acknowledge the gravity of their questions out loud. Answer slowly, “let me think about that.” Use your regular voice and unless they first verbalize that they don't feel safe, try to avoid emphasizing “you're safe” because that raises the question “wait, was I not safe"? One of the biggest concerns most kids face when learning about the news is how it will impact them. Stating the implications and context can help ease their stress. For example, if your child hears about an impending snowstorm and gets worried, you can explain that this is happening in another part of the country and that it will not directly impact him. When there are instances that do have a direct impact on them (like when everyone had to stay home because of COVID-19), frame it in a way that is realistic yet optimistic. “For the health of everyone, we will need to stay home. I know you will miss your friends, but this is temporary. We can bond as a family and work on puzzles together if you’d like.”

Be prepared to give your kids extra comfort and attention. It is normal for kids to display regressive behaviors (bed-wetting, trouble sleeping, being clingy, lack of trust, intense fears, tantrums) when they are feeling anxious so making the extra effort to be their physical and emotional shoulder to lean on is vital. Teens are more likely to minimize and downplay their emotional distress as a way to not be a "burden". Encourage them to talk but don't pressure them. You may also need to educate yourself on how best to support your teen. Accept that grief can trigger many unexpected emotions and learn to recognize the difference between grief and depression. This is also another opportunity to check in with your own emotions. Be aware of how you are reacting because kids will feed off of your emotions.

Protect

This is, perhaps, the most complex part of the process. You don’t want them to hear a version of tragedy from any voice other than your own first, but the reality is that they will talk to peers (maybe even other adults) and see things online before you even get a chance to talk to them. Protecting them starts with honesty. The most common temptation among parents is to lie, but lies eventually thin out and expose the truth, leaving a cloud of mistrust that never really settles. Kids don’t need you to paint a detailed picture for them but they do need honesty and truth. Tell the truth to the extent of the knowledge you have and explain that you may not have all the answers. Answer in context to their age, which means using the correct language and pace. The goal isn’t to eliminate their negative feelings or to calm their fears, the goal is to acknowledge and address them. Warn them that they may hear a version of the truth that can be scary and encourage them to talk to you about it if they do. Leave the door open for conversation and honestly share your own feelings.

Another way to protect them is allowing them to categorize the news you've shared. News is simply information we have that can be many things at once. It will be experienced differently for each of us, so what might feel like exciting, good news to you might evoke different feelings for someone else. The point is that you are better off not qualifying it as good or bad news for your child, simply say you have news. Qualifying information you have to share can make your child doubt that how they are interpreting what you've shared is incorrect.

Lastly, a proactive approach to processing news is a great way to protect your child. Teach them about misinformation, disinformation, and how to use credible sources. Although some news travels by word of mouth or social media, it is best to teach your kids to use credible sources to validate any news they encounter. Common Sense has a great free resource that helps kids decipher fake news vs. real news. They focus on two main points:

1. Analyze the source - by Googling the author of an article to ensure there is no bias and

2. Corroborating (or validating) the news by looking for multiple sources.

Look out for sources like Wikipedia that should be used with caution, as their pages can be edited by anyone for free. Teach them to avoid articles or news that are opinion-based, using words like “think” or “feel” or “I heard”. Steering away from assumptions can help alleviate anxiety, as assumptions of what is to come in a news story are usually blown out of proportion, mostly written as clickbait.

Parent

The word parent is also a verb. In this context, we will say that it means taking action. Cultivate open space for restorative play: if your child has been exposed to some stressful news, their play, attitude, and demeanor may change. They need you to slow things down and bring your full attention back to them. What better way to do this than to make time for play−play is always therapeutic. You may also want to resist the urge to schedule a lot of things. Your child, in the wake of stress or conflict, is going to need less going on. It is in the busyness that they don’t get a chance to process all their feelings. Allowing for some boredom or play can be restorative.

Taking action can also look like finding ways to do something to help your child feel connected to their community, locally and globally. For example, letter writing can be therapeutic for the writer as well as the recipient. Another intentional way to feel connected during misfortune is by taking up a cause. Purposefully creating goodness from suffering helps children deal with tragedy and derive some meaning from it. The reality is that everyday, life ends tragically or brutally for many people around the world. Just bearing witness and showing that we care in times of tragedy or suffering is extremely meaningful−especially when we feel powerless.

Although discussing tragic events (such as school shootings and war) is extremely challenging, being honest with yourself and your child will encourage open communication. Whatever steps you decide to take, encourage your kids to ask questions and come to you for clarification on confusing news. Aim to listen to their concerns, and address their questions calmly. Remember that kids are forming their views of our world so it is important to intentionally share positive news happening in our world, too. Remind them to "look for the helpers". ▪