A mother’s story A mother talks about her experiences with her son diagnosed with schizophrenia. She prefers staying anonymous.
Whenever I have to describe my experiences with my little boy to others I often say that life is like a horrifying sci-fi movie living with him. It’s the kind of movie where everything starts of all peaceful and happy but then goes downhill and eventually becomes a horror movie. It’s the kind where you’ve absolutely no clue what’s happening and you look around at others but they can’t help you because they’ve no clue either. It’s the kind where they speak a totally different language and you’re watching it without subtitles. It isn’t a fun movie, but it’s still our story that’s told; so we have to continue watching. If our lives would actually be filmed, it would start when my boy was 15 years old. That was when everything still was wonderful and perfect. My boy did absolutely great in school, had so many friends, even had a girlfriend (which I wasn’t really happy about) and was every teacher’s favourite. He would go to parties on fridays, sleep in on saturdays and
hang out with friends to „do homework” on sundays. He was happy.
„It’s our story that’s told; so we have to continue watching” ! But suddenly, his grades dropped. He stopped going to those parties. Stopped hanging out with his friends. When I asked him about another missed homework note he said that he forgot to bring it with him that day. He was disorganised and forgot appointments for doctors and hairdressers. In the first week I noticed this change of behaviour I just thought it was him growing up. You always hear about those kids rebelling against their parents when they’re that age. But this was different. Wasn’t rebelling supposed to be going to more parties and drinking more than you’re supposed to to free yourself from the system?
That’s how rebelling was in my time. But my boy stayed at home and avoided all things. At a certain point he had a lot of trouble doing the simplest chores I gave him and started showing more and more agression. My friends just told me he was in puberty; „oh my girl does the same! Although her grades are still perfect!” and „Yes, that sounds familiar. Don’t overreact to something so natural!”. But I had such a weird feeling that something wasn’t quite right.
„One day he told me: ‚I’m sorry mum, for not being how you want me to be’” The movie would then cut to my boy having his first hallucination. I still remember him waking me up in the middle of the night, being so afraid because he heard voices all around the house and smelled a really bitter smell. You could see the fear flicker in his eyes and it looked like he wasn’t really down to earth. „Are you sure you’re not having a bad dream, sweetie?” I asked him, unsure of what to do. „Mum! Aren’t you hearing them? They’re screaming now! Aren’t you hearing them? Aren’t you smelling it?” he yelled at me at this point. I tried to calm him down but was unable to. So I called 999.
I won’t ever forget that first night. The story follows that my boy was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a lot of talks with psychologists. He got medication and was hospitalized for a little while more. He needed a lot of time to get back to reality again. The recovery from his hallucination was horrible and very painful. The pain was all psychological, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. My boy felt ashamed and embarrassed to not being able to distinguish imagination from reality. He felt malfunctioned, like he wasn’t an actual human being. One day he told me „I’m sorry mum, for not being how you want me to be”. I never really accepted his illness, but when he said that I knew I should have. I had been a terrible mother just thinking it was all in his head. I mean, it’s all in his head, but in a different way than I thought. I just wanted him to be like the other boys, to just be normal so he would have an easy and fun life. My little boy couldn’t say for sure what was reality and what not and I just sat there ignoring reality. A bit ironic, huh? The movie would end with all the family around his grave, my little boy committed suicide at 17 because he couldn’t live with his illness.
„I just sat there ignoring reality”