Don’t have a turntable? Substitute parchment paper. Putting a cake on a

P G P

When in doubt, rely on the experts—especially at 3 am when your four year old shakes you awake for the 3rd time in as many nights. Nod vigorously: “Of course you can come into my bed, Sweetie. Just like Dr. Sears says in his book, ‘a need that’s unmet never goes away.”

Use stress-reduction techniques before disciplining. Breathe in and hold… exhale. Repeat. Now you are ready to explain patiently exactly why it’s a bad idea to give the dog pop rocks. “I know you think it’s hilarious the way he tilts and shakes his head as a fountain of spittle erupts inside his tiny terrier mouth, but Daddy will go full blown Krakatoa when Bowzer needs a root canal.

Your pleas didn’t even make a dent?

Back to Stress reduction. This time do it before, during, and after disciplining. When met with a shrill scream: “Stop. I already told you—this is hurting him. He’ll get cavities. Excuse me? Don’t raise your voice. Be respectful.”

“Breathe in. Relax. Exhale and hold. Repeat.”

Still, struggling to find the right way to deal with your young ones?

Talk to them like they are little adults. Explain the reasons you’ve taken a hard stance. Treat children with respect, appeal to their strengths and maturity, and they will rise to the occasion. “Copying Lilly’s history homework was not ok. It’s a kind of cheating called plagiarizing. No, it’s different when people write speeches for famous people. They pay others to do it…. What’s that? No, you cannot pay Lilly to do your work for you.”

Sick of always being the adult (even though, let’s face it, you are), why not write a humor piece about parenting? Just don’t quit your day job.

It’s always an option to pass the buck. Let your child’s [daddy, other mommy, caregiver] handle the discipline, while you hide in the bathroom.

Assuming you’ve tried it all: explaining, using relaxation strategies, getting your coparent involved and you’re still flummoxed? If all else fails, go for the Hail Mary: get down on your knees. Light a candle.

One final tip: don’t be shy about seeking professional help. Say it’s been 67 minutes and your teenager is still in the shower. If you’re feeling totally out of your league, thinking when did my kid become a Philip Roth cliché–I’m not touching this, just ask. “I’d like to use my lifeline, Regis, or maybe phone a friend.”

And as to that question of whether we therapist-moms are sitting on a stockpile of trade secrets that allow us to handle parenting better than the rest of the world? You be the judge.

Stephanie Newman Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist/ psychoanalyst with offices in New York City and Westchester, NY. She is a Visiting Scholar/Clinical Supervisor at Columbia University, a Member of the Psychoanalytic Association of New York, and the author of an upcoming novel, Barbarians at the PTA. Barbarians at the PTA is available on Amazon June 2nd.

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