29 minute read
Personal Experiences
Section 1 Personal Experiences
Just how no two people live the same exact lives in the general world, it comes to no surprise that every transman’s experiences and opinions differ between individuals. In this section, I will be introducing you to myself and four other trans men. There was an effort to find a diverse group of men who could offer a unique experience for both social and medical transitions. Along with their stories, I asked everyone to provide a song that best reflected their personal experiences as another way to help understand what words cannot describe. These interviews are personal experiences and remain respectful to the interviewee.
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Authentic
Andrew
Pronouns: He/Him Age: 22 From: Virginia, United States
When I was younger, about eight years old or so, I always envisioned myself growing up to be a man in my twenties. These aberrant thoughts were always prominent in my everyday life, but were never expressed because I thought every girl imagined the same thing, so why mention it? Everyone just assumed that I was the typical tomboy and I waited for the day I’d transform into a regular girl. But to no one’s surprise, I never grew out of it.
Generally, when one hears about transgender experiences, everyone talks about having this defined dysphoric reaction to puberty and knew that they were meant to be the other sex. Oddly enough, I never felt like something was completely wrong with me, but just had a more neutral feeling. Even though my childhood was very much geared towards socially being a girl, I always played with toys and did activities typically associated with boys. Without having many gender pressures up until high school, I was okay with my body and just lived my everyday life without a thought. I never truly saw myself as either a girl or a boy. The differentiation between girls and boys wasn’t apparent either; it’s as if I lived in a bubble my entire life so I never realized that my outlook on life wasn’t normal.
Video games have always been part of my life and one thing that always stood out to everyone was that when given the choice, I’d always create a male character. My usernames were neutral or were perceived to be male and it was never questioned by any of my online friends. In
June of 2017, I went on a trip to an out-of-state convention where I met up with my gaming group for the first time. At that point, I had already won the war at home to cut my hair short and dressed how I wanted, t-shirts and shorts. One of my friends walked up to me and politely asked what my pronouns were—a question I didn’t even know could be asked. At this very moment, I believe that my gender-neutral bubble popped. My reply was to use female pronouns, but a strong mental note was made. When I got back home, the research began.
After two months of extensive research through forums, articles, YouTube videos, and everything possible; I came across the term transgender. With immense research and soul searching, there was no doubt when saying, “I am transgender”. The first person to know was my online friend, Shadow, who immediately called me his brother. Eventually, I came out to my mom using a YouTube video by Sam Collins and his mom that explained what transgender meant and gave advice for parents on processing the news. She fully accepted and respected my decision to transition socially and medically. Overall, my experience coming out was no surprise to anyone, and was met with complete support.
Transitioning means living my authentic self. My process for transitioning was rather fast. In order to start testosterone, a letter was needed from a therapist. Through private insurance from my mom, an appointment was easily set up with a gender therapist who gave me the letter after only one or two in-depth visits. Usually, people are asked to continue therapy for at least six months, so starting testosterone within a month of coming out is dramatic. Rest assured, with years of introspection and intense research over the summer, I knew I was ready to physically transition. My first self-admitted injection of testosterone was on September 8th, 2017 at the age of nineteen. It was the start of my sophomore year in college, professors were emailed about my preferred name and pronouns, no one knew each other, and I was ready to start my journey towards living as a man.
Honestly though, I had chosen the worst time to take communications 101, where frequent speeches in front of the class were required. I was given odd looks by classmates because they saw the name Andrew and heard a high-pitched female voice. But for the most part, no one questioned it, though it was pretty awkward. I had to record myself presenting speeches and looking back at them now is
hilarious because my voice started to break and drop every video. At the time, I had made a friend who claimed they didn’t know I was trans until I personally told them. Apparently, I was just seen as a young boy going through something and honestly, that was very reassuring. I had also discovered a transgender community on the streaming service Twitch where I could share my experiences with other transgender people. Being able to connect with other people who understood what I was going through for the first time helped my confidence in how I presented myself. I started the semester worried that I wouldn’t pass well because I had only recently started testosterone, but in the end, my final speech in class was about being transgender. Officially coming out to a class of thirty people was scary, but it was an important milestone towards being myself and being confident.
During the first year of transition, I really focused on my appearance and how I carried myself. I wasn’t confident enough to use the men’s restroom just yet, so I had mapped out where all the gender-neutral bathrooms were on campus. There was a constant worry about passing and fitting in, which is interesting because I never really had to do that before. Imagine having to conform to a societal role, with minimal
social skills to begin with, since I was pretty isolated growing up. For the first time, I was aware of the differences between boys and girls. It was definitely a learning experience on how to perform and where I stood in society. I used to think everyone was watching me as if they knew I wasn’t a cis guy. My hardship while transitioning was relearning how to live life normally.
Three and a half years later now in 2021, I forget that I’m transgender the majority of the time. The only time I am reminded about it is when I’m applying my testosterone gel every morning, although it just feels like any other routine. My voice has dropped, I legally changed my name, had top surgery, started growing facial hair, and live stealthily while passing every day. There are still a few steps I want to take, referring to getting a hysterectomy in the summer of this year and legally changing my gender marker on my ID and birth certificate. Transitioning never ends, but after being three and a half years on testosterone, I’m comfortable with who I am and now know where I stand. My advice to anyone who may be in a similar situation is to really take your time. I consider myself to have lived a neutral experience while never having to force anything. I started transitioning fairly quickly, but that’s what I was presented with, I never asked to start immediately. Taking time to fully understand yourself can lead to a happier life in the long run, if it’s the right choice.
The trans community is highly diverse in ideologies and is complicated to fully understand. As a transgender person myself, I do not associate with the LGBT community for a couple of reasons that have to do with my personal outlook on life. First, labels have never been important growing up to me, although they’re helpful in understanding or defining yourself, I’m just another person who lives just like anybody else. I am Andrew, a man who had a different start in life—being transgender does not define who I am at all. Second, I found the LGBT discourse to be a bit chaotic. As much as we show love and respect for one another in the general public, there are still major issues between sexuality and trans groups, or even between trans groups themselves. When it comes to politics, our human rights and safety are continuously thrown around because it’s hard to understand what being transgender is like over the hodgepodge of ideologies on the internet. Instead of trying to identify with a community that’s beyond my scope, I choose to tell people my personal story as is, because that’s truly all I can speak
for. Although I don’t go announcing that I am trans every day, I still have long conversations with people who have questions. The hope is to educate one person at a time.
Granted, writing a summary of my experience can only go so far. My situation at home still was not the best growing up, with divorced parents, a conservative and religious father, very few friends, and no siblings to talk to, I had music to help me cope. A song that most trans men know is “The Village” by Wrabel; a song that talks about the struggles of coming out in a world that isn’t ready for you. With religious undertones, I relate closely to the message and the overall emotion that’s expressed throughout the song. It reassures me that there’s nothing wrong with being who I am, but instead, there’s something wrong with society. Overall, I want to live my life by my terms, putting myself first is important. Another song that I used to listen to repeatedly during the two years I didn’t talk to my father was “My Life” by NF. It doesn’t matter if there are people that do not accept or agree with my choices, but it’s my life. A rather empowering song, it’s how I managed to push forward to be confident in my own skin. My advice to anyone is to be true to yourself and take nothing less than support.
My Life - NF The Village - Wrabel
Reassure
Jack
Pronouns: He/Him Age: 24 From: Ticino, Switzerland
“What is wrong with me? Why don’t I feel normal?”
Interviewing Jack was a unique experience on its own for several reasons. First, I never had the opportunity to learn about someone’s transition experience from a different country. Realizing that there are people going through similar experiences around the world is an important note to take because it helps solidify that being transgender is not an isolated occurrence. Second, there’s a misconception that being transgender will inherently lead to a difficult and lower quality of life. That is just not true and Jack proves it. We both joked around that he probably was the best-case scenario for a trans person because overall he had a supportive family and didn’t have many struggles with transitioning either socially or medically.
Like most people, puberty was an uncomfortable time for Jack. As his female chest started developing, he’d wear shirts that were about four times his normal size just to hide his body. Wearing larger shirts was a coping mechanism that helped distract him from his chest, but also led to him being mocked by peers. Along with chest development, the start of menstruation was a major dysphoric trigger. It was disclosed that he was prone to epilepsy attacks when high levels of stress were reached. Although at the time, Jack was unaware that he was experiencing dysphoria, there was no defined reason why he was feeling uncomfortable. Access to information was limited to internet forums and Facebook groups. It’s hard to research something
when you don’t know what to search for. Eventually, Jack came across the term transgender on these forums and stated, “the forums explained to a T on what I was feeling.” Once making the realization that he was transgender, it did not take long to come out to his family. Around the age of sixteen, out of the blue while on a car trip, he decided to tell his father that he was not meant to be a girl. At the moment no one knew what to say or think, but his father did his own research afterward to better understand Jack’s situation. He took the initiative to further discuss the matter with his immediate family, Jack’s stepmom, and siblings. It took some time to fully grasp the concept and adjust to the changes that would come with socially transitioning, but in the end, everyone was supportive of Jack.
Transitioning was mostly about becoming comfortable with his body and being perceived as his true gender, as opposed to pretransition where Jack would avoid going out in public so that people wouldn’t look at him. Changing his name and pronouns was not that difficult for Jack as he naturally appeared androgynous and had a fairly neutral voice. More often than not, people would confuse his gender before starting testosterone. In order to start hormones, Jack had to first talk to a psychologist, which proved to be difficult. General psychologists often refused to talk about gender as it was taboo, or out of their practice. Gender-specific therapists are still not very common in Ticino, Switzerland today. Eventually, he found someone that could help him start testosterone. Starting at the age of eighteen, Jack’s process involves going to the doctor’s office to administer a long-lasting shot of testosterone about every three months. The next steps for his transition were to get top surgery, which needed a wait time of two years on testosterone, and a hysterectomy. Currently, in early 2021, Jack’s in the process of getting phalloplasty done.
When asked for advice for anyone who may be questioning their identity today, he responded with, “It’s best to take it slow and not rush things, especially medical transition.” He advised to test the waters by having people close to you use a preferred name and pronoun, and over time see if it’s ‘right’. Being transgender is fairly mainstream with no context nowadays. It’s okay to explore questions one might have; it’s easier to bail out any time socially than it is after starting hormones or getting surgery. He hopes that in time there will be more clarity for the general public on what being transgender means, especially the fact that
trans people are just trying to be comfortable with their bodies and can’t just snap out of it. In his opinion, he believes there’s a lot of confusion on the definition of the term, which has and will continue to damage trans people and the way they are perceived. There is no one person with the same definition of what being transgender is, and often enough people confuse their identity with gender expression. Jack states overall, being transgender is not a choice and wants to raise awareness about the fact that we are regular people, not just a trend on Twitter.
Jack’s song of choice was Body Terror Song by AJJ. He noted the song related to the extreme discomfort he felt with seeing and being seen with a body that wasn’t his. The great lengths to hiding between layers of baggy clothes and the distress of having the wrong body parts are something that a person with dysphoria feels every day. These are real experiences that Jack and every trans person who has or wishes to transition feels. He feels reassured to know that there’s a reason why he felt the way he did and that it wasn’t him as a person. His final comments were, “coming out is always a stressful experience, so if someone comes out to you as a trans person, chances are they had to build the courage to talk to you about it. They wish to keep you in their life, so even if it might take a while to get used to it, be supportive and remember [they] will always be the person you cherished.”
Body Terror Song - AJJ
Mysterious
Drake
Pronouns: He/Him Age: 30 From: Missouri, United States
Drake is a small-town trans man who knew he wanted to be a boy as young as two years old. With no external influences, he made comments about wanting to have male anatomy at a young age; how he knew about anatomical differences is unknown. Upon remembering a conversation, Drake added, “On graduation from high school, one of my friends from preschool goes, ‘I remember this one day we were like five or six and you literally said one day you were going to have money to get surgery to be a boy.’ I don’t remember saying that—like what six-yearold knows surgery is an option?” Drake didn’t know how those thoughts came to be, just that they were innate. Even though it was apparent that Drake viewed himself to be a boy, the term transgender was highly uncommon and he didn’t officially start transitioning until much later in his life.
The first time Drake had encountered trans people was during an episode of Oprah while staying home sick from school around the age of seven. The episode specifically highlighted trans men who were describing their experiences, similar to what Drake was feeling. This exposure was only in passing and did not come up again until a few years later when he and his grandmother were watching Boys Don’t
Cry, a film about a trans man in Nebraska. His grandmother made a comment about her not wanting Drake to be like the character in the film, which he stated, “being young and already depressed and not having anybody to really talk to about why I felt weird;
I thought she meant like she didn’t want me to be trans.” Only later did he find out that she meant she did not want him to hide who he was; to be careful and smart about his relationships and interactions. At the age of thirteen, Drake had officially come out as transgender and started socially transitioning by using a new preferred name and pronouns. His main source of support came from his grandmother, while his father wasn’t fully supportive. Although he did experience verbal bullying for a while, Drake was accepted in school for the most part.
Access to information was close to none, as the internet wasn’t fully developed by the early 2000s. It wasn’t until the age of twenty-four where Drake encountered another trans man who shared information about starting hormones. Although having a place to start for his transition journey, mental health and depression factored into postponing medical transition until three years later at twenty-seven. He stated firmly, “it’s something that I hadn’t done for twenty-seven years, it’s time for me to love myself. I will finally have everything on the outside that I’ve always known I should have had at birth.” With a goal to better himself, Drake started to cut people out of his life who were harmful to his progress. His main hardship while transitioning was just trying to get people who said they supported him to actively show it.
Drake had officially started weekly testosterone injections in early 2017. “I would say transitioning was blissfully mysterious because I never truly knew if I was going to get the outcome I wanted with T,” he said while thinking about his transition thus far. Drake overall is happy with what he’s got, although he’s not still one hundred percent happy with his voice, or the fact that he’s short, transitioning helped him like his outward appearance. Currently, his goal is to have top surgery when his financial situation balances out. As someone who values appearance and wanting to fully live the male experience, Drake uses items such as binders to flatten his chest and packers to give the appearance of having a bulge like cis men. Ultimately, his medical goal is to have phalloplasty done so he could be able to stand while using the restroom. A unique, event-based subject came up during the interview, and that was having to ration his testosterone during the pandemic. Rationing hormones is not uncommon for a multitude of reasons, but for Drake, it was financial and health risk-based. While in between jobs when the pandemic hit, Drake did not have insurance and had a tight budget. In order to renew his testosterone prescriptions, he had to visit the doctors
for an annual check-up which had a high price. In addition to the risk of exposure to covid-19, Drake did not have the means to expose himself.
He’d been able to stockpile doses of testosterone which he could ration over time. The problem with doing so is having an overall lower level of testosterone in your system; it is important to be consistent with hormone levels and not doing so can have side effects such as starting menstruation again. Even as a trigger for dysphoria, Drake continues to hold strong. With his experiences, his advice to anyone who may be questioning is to surround yourself with truly positive people. He added, “just because someone is questioning, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are trans, but it’s worth exploring. With all the resources available today, you have to dissect the information since not everything is accurate.” Never be ashamed to question. There is so much misinformation on the internet, so it’s important to talk and listen to someone who is transitioning and living this life. If someone wants to understand the trans perspective, whether it’s because they’re questioning or just want to be a better ally, just be kind. “What parts I have don’t make me who I am, don’t ask what’s in my pants. I present myself as male, I look male, and I am male.” Lastly, Drake provided two songs that align with his transition experience. The first one is This is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco. What he takes from the song is about letting those you love go and asking people who wanted to be in his life to use the correct pronouns and refer to him as Drake. The second song is Getting Away With Murder by Papa
Roach. A rather strong-sounding title, Drake explained that instead of reintroducing himself to the world like other trans people do when they come out, he envisioned having a funeral, or celebration of life ordeal of the person that people once knew. This is Gospel - Pan!c Getting Away With Murder - Papa Roach
Survival
Moe
Pronouns: He/Him Age: 22 From: Virginia, United States
“Apparently if you wear capri-cut pants with flower patterns on them, people just kind of assume you’re a girl until you turn around and surprise them with a deep voice. I can laugh at it now—before it would only make me cry.”
Up until the age of fourteen, Moe felt like something was weird in his life, but did not understand what was weird. His description was, “it’s like a person with autism who may have trouble recognizing and expressing emotions, it was a mixture of that with the desperate want to not be weird.” Instead of trying to explore and understand these feelings, his reaction was to ignore them and forget about it. But avoiding something is never a permanent solution. At some point in time everyone might have been asked if they’d rather be born a boy or a girl, this is a question that Moe firmly answered that he’d rather be born a boy. Yet, it was never questioned as to why that was always his response. For him, he thought that every girl wanted to be a boy and that it was normal. While having a conversation with peers about that same question, Moe was directly asked if there was a chance that he might actually be a guy inside. That very moment he described as if the world started falling down on him. He was trying really hard to live as a normal girl, but once that was questioned, it clicked within him. “It was a weird and terrifying experience because I knew I would never be able to go back to the state of
ignorance that I was in.”
For context, Moe comes from a rather conservative and religious household, so coming out as transgender was not an ideal situation. Once Moe came to the realization that he was trans, coming out was immediate with his friends who were supportive. With his parents, on the other hand, the subject came up during an argument that was related to a previous partner of Moe’s who was expressing interest in getting top surgery. When coming out himself, he was met with immediate rejection and told that he was both spitting in God’s face and that no one was ever going to love him. For Moe, coming out was important because he’d already spent fourteen years of his life in misery while trying to be something he was not. He stated, “honestly, even though it really hit the fan when I came out, I don’t regret it. I wish I’d gone about it in a way that wasn’t an argument with my parents, but I don’t regret it still.” Throughout high school, teachers who supported him had more or less taken on parental roles when his parents were not there for him. He, later on, found support through talking to likeminded trans people and visited a therapist regularly to help manage his experiences. Access to information was restricted by his parents who had blamed the internet for breaking their child with LGBT ideology. Because of that, Moe did not have internet access for a number of years which led to a cripplingly lonely and isolated life for most of high school. As a way to manage living in a censored home, dissociation was a default response. This was a culmination of not wanting to bend who he was or what he wore in order to fit his parent’s perceptions. In doing so, Moe opened himself up to be able to gather resources that he wasn’t allowed to have for so long.
Transitioning meant survival and perseverance fueled by spite, or in the face of spite. Moe went on a long continuous journey to come into himself. His hopes were to be able to look in the mirror and not feel overwhelming dysphoria. He compared seeing female primary and secondary sex characteristics as being parasites. His body felt as if a weird alien had invaded him against his will. “As a way to cope, I would take these parts and depersonalize them from myself; make them into separate entities to not completely lose my mind,” Moe added when describing his dysphoric experience. While his parents restricted access to getting help to transition medically, Moe eventually took matters into his own hands and started testosterone injections in 2019 during
his sophomore year in college. For the most part, Moe had found ways to pay out of pocket for hormones, doctor’s appointments, and therapy. His next goal is to have top surgery after graduating from college. It has been about eight years since Moe had first come out to his parents, they still don’t respect his transition, but his mom started showing support by contacting their insurance about getting top surgery. “I never would have expected her to do that even two years ago. Let alone when I first came out, but that’s a thing and it makes me a little bit hopeful about our relationship,” I could hear the surprise and excitement in his voice.
Moe’s personal advice to anyone who may be questioning their identity or sexuality is to not force a label on yourself and share your experiences with a therapist. He was able to learn how to communicate with himself and understand the root causes for his thoughts and emotions. Discovering where your feelings stem from and the underlying, or overlying influences that affect them can greatly help to decide something for yourself. Before jumping the gun, introspection is important to pursuing something like transition that has permanent life-changing effects.
To best understand his experience, Moe provided a few songs that hit different aspects of his transition and the relationships around him: Lost Boy by Ruth B., The Village by Wrabel, I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) from the film Treasure Planet, and Body by Mother Mother. These songs provide a greater snapshot of Moe’s relationship with his body, the undertones of religion at home, and his family wanting Moe to be something different and refusing to submit. Although they may sound depressing, Moe was able to find hope.
Lost Boy - Ruth B. Body - Mother Mother I'm Still Here - Jim's Theme
Weird
Mikhail
Pronouns: He/Him Age: 22 From: London, Ontario, Canada
Mikhail, or Mik for short, always knew that something was off about himself, but did not want to explore why. With having a punk mom from the nineties and being surrounded by diverse groups of people, Mik was in contact with transgender people who’d share their experiences growing up. The problem was that he did not believe that he himself could be transgender. It was only until he was eighteen and hospitalized due to a mental health crisis that he admitted to himself that he was a man. Once the realization clicked, Mik immediately came out to a close circle of friends online while still on the hospital bed. Coming out to his family was a different story. A few months had passed after the moment of realization for Mik to come out to his mom and stepdad; both of which were accepting and supportive.
In contrast, Mik’s biological father and his Russian conservative and religious family were not as supportive. “I felt like there was a strain in the relationship between that side of the family as I wasn’t what they defined to be the perfect daughter. Coming out as trans was only then like a nail in the coffin” Mik added. It was possible for his grandfather to come around as Mik described him as being a nice guy, but with external pressures from the family, his grandfather ultimately stepped back. Losing family and relationships is sadly common with coming out and it can be a major toll on anyone’s mental health. As for Mik, he had already come to terms with the idea and by expecting
the worst it removed the shock factor. When asked about any hardships while transitioning, Mik said the disownment from his family would be the only one if he hadn’t already accepted the fact. He considers his mom to be his biggest advocate, someone who will not tolerate anyone that brings negative experiences. With a balance of support, Mik commented, “I had no choice but to have a better experience, I guess because my mother is a wrathful being.” Mik began socially transitioning in August 2017, at the age of eighteen.
For Mik, transitioning meant being able to pass as male one hundred percent of the time, but there were physical attributes like height and curves that made it difficult for him. He had started testosterone injections in early 2018 and a major worry that came up was having to maintain an aesthetic to pass. In hindsight, it was noted that it was an experience to stop caring about what people thought of him, whether it was good, bad, or anything in between. His philosophy was, “do no harm but take no shit.” During a tangent conversation, Mik brought up a somewhat ironic story where he tried to present himself as a male at work and it didn’t go his way. He’d been working at a company with his family before starting testosterone and had been recognized from old family photos as being the granddaughter of a family member. “Everyone at work sees me as a woman with a strangely deep voice. I don’t know if they haven’t figured it out yet or if they have and they’re just being polite about it,” he said jokingly. With his family being involved at work, he just settled with the idea because, in the grand scheme of things, he was still a man to the rest of society.
Obtaining information about starting the transition process still required some work, but as a reflection of Mik’s own experiences, he advised to try and talk to as many trans people as possible if you’re questioning identity. There may be some overarching themes that trans people experience, but his experience is different than someone’s in Texas and of someone across the world in Dubai. Mik had often confused his dysphoric experiences with the generalized notion that women were supposed to hate their bodies. It’s difficult to have different perspectives on a problem when you’re only exposed to one narrative. Continuing with the topic of society, Mik wishes that trans men were taken more seriously. It’s apparent that trans men specifically are far less represented in the media than trans women. By all means, this is not a complete negative, but the reality is that it’s not uncommon for
someone to not know trans men also exist. “I feel like we’re very much an unknown part of the trans community, which is ridiculous,” Mik stated. Most societies have certain rubrics for males and females that trans people try to follow when transitioning in an attempt to pass. It always baffled Mik when trans men try conforming to the extreme stereotypical misogynistic man in order to be taken seriously.
Toxic masculinity is the premise of the song Real Men by Mitski, provided by Mik as a reflection of his experience transitioning. His father’s side of the family exercised the hyper-masculine mentality of being a tall macho man weighing in at three hundred pounds. Because of this, Mik thought he couldn’t possibly be trans because he wasn’t masculine enough and that his favorite color was pink. Disassembling his societal view of men was an important process that would lead to his personal development.
Real Men - Mitski
