Maintaining Your Mental Well Being

by Dee Wilson

The first thought I had when I sat down to write this article is, “How transparent should I be?” which is the exact problem we have when it comes to discussing mental health disorders. We don’t talk about it, it’s still taboo, and it continues to be seen as a weakness. So I decided I would be the exception, because not being completely transparent would be counterproductive to the change that needs to happen in this world.

The first signs I experienced were when I was around 13 years old at summer camp. One morning I felt an overwhelming feeling, my chest felt tight, and my head felt light. It was such an unfamiliar feeling, I had no idea what was happening, and then it was lights out. When I came to I was surrounded by people, my head was on a female counselor’s lap, and I had three wet rags on my head and neck. I was immediately taken to the onsite clinic where the nurse diagnosed me as perfectly fine. She said it was probably due to me not eating that morning, as I often skipped breakfast and still do to this day. Over the years I continued to experience similar symptoms, sometimes completely manageable, and sometimes not.

Growing up in an Asian household, anxiety wasn’t a legitimate topic, it just wasn’t real, so you can imagine how shocked my mom was when the doctor said my fainting spells could be related to anxiety. So naturally she made me cut out all caffeine, because anxiety wasn’t a real thing. My mom was convinced I drank too much caffeine which was causing all my symptoms. I loved caffeine, and still do, so I learned to manage it and never bring it up again so I wouldn’t be deprived of the thing I loved most. As I got older I could notice the signs, and I became good at listening to my body – it didn’t exist for me either. This is where we mess up as a society, as a world, as a culture. I continued to live with it instead of seeking help and learning more about it.

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I was in my mid-20s when it started to show up again. The best way to describe what I was constantly feeling was that feeling you had as a child when you knew you were in trouble and had a knot in your stomach. It was like that, just the knot never went away. This was the first time as an adult I had any conversations with a physician about what I was feeling and immediately received two medications, one that was fast acting and to be taken as needed and one that was a daily slowrelease medication. I couldn’t wait to see if it worked, so that evening after picking up my prescription I tried my first fast-acting anxiety medication and I felt ten feet tall and bulletproof. I had one recurring thought: “Is this what regular people feel like?” It felt like someone had gone directly into my stomach and unraveled that knot, like someone had walked up to me and lifted the tons of bricks sitting on my shoulder and back. My relief was interrupted by yet another anxious thought: This can’t be good for me, or anyone; this was too good to be true, but it fixed me and that’s all I wanted…or so I thought. continued on p. 25