AUTISM AND FRIENDSHIPS

Nicole Schneider

In the decades before the first description of autism in 1943, eugenics was widespread in America. People with disabilities were referred to by ugly names such as idiot and imbecile, and sometimes forcibly sterilized. While there has been progress, there is still a long way to go towards an understanding of and awareness towards autism that allows for friendships to form between autistic and non-autistic people. In public, kids with autism may get looks or stares, but kids cannot control their symptoms of autism. Due to misunderstandings, fear, and discomfort, many people with autism are left to live lonelier lives than their peers, and lonelier lives than they wish. Friendships provide everyone with clear benefits and can improve quality of life, but assumptions and stereotypes have so far limited societal understanding of how people with autism desire, obtain, and sustain friendships. It is important to work on increasing that understanding in order to increase opportunities for meaningful friendships for autistic people.

Friendships have a large positive impact on quality of life at every life stage. Healthy friendships during childhood help people have better adult lives. In the article, “Do Friendships Afford Academic Benefits? A Meta-analytic Study” the authors Kathryn Wentzel, Sophie Jablansky and Nicole Scalise reviewed 22 studies which together suggest that having friends significantly helps cognitive and academic performance outcomes (1241). More specifically, “having meaningful friendships -- or lacking them – has an impact on our cardiovascular and immune systems, stress responses, sleep and cognitive health” (Denworth 2). Numerous studies show the many ways having friends as a child pays off throughout someone’s life, and this is the same for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

There is a wide spectrum of ASD, including people that are nonverbal and struggle with basic tasks of daily living as well as people that are highly verbal and very successful, prominent individuals. People that are on the severe spectrum of ASD have symptoms that can include body rocking, hand flapping, and sniffling. When bullies see this, they will make fun of them and mimic them. People that have ASD may not understand why they are being made fun of. Denworth explains that when an autistic child seems not to be interested in playtime games with other kids, they might actually be overwhelmed by different sounds and chaos (2). Denworth also notes that an autistic adult might avoid eye contact because they are trying to focus on the conversation or avoid too much stimulation (2). However, someone that does not understand why they are doing that might misinterpret their actions and think they are not paying attention or interested in the conversation. In the article “Beyond Friendship: The Spectrum of Social Participation of Autistic Adults,” Dara Chan, Julie Doran, and Osly Galobardi write that “While other symptoms of autism often plateau or improve in adulthood, characteristic social interaction difficulties persist and are potential contributors to lower rates of normative adult outcomes reported in the literature that involve social participation, friendships, or close relationships.” People who understand autism better can make a huge difference in the person’s life by being open to making friends.

For many years, researchers and clinicians thought that people with autism did not want friends, but new research has challenged those stereotypes. Now scientists are recognizing that people with autism are often interested in forming friendships and that they do value friends. Widespread stereotypes assume that people with ASD do not have friends and that they do not want anything to do with friendships. Zucker and Donvan wrote a description of early attitudes towards autism that were painfully misguided, and “shrouded in shame, secrecy, and ignorance” (xii). The authors describe how children diagnosed with autism and their families were treated with bigotry and ignorance. They describe how “they were barred from public schools and banished to institutions where they remained through their adult years, often until death” (xii). New research says that people with autism do desire friendships. People with autism can and do make friends, although they often have some preferences and patterns of interaction that can be different than what most people without autism are used to. In her article “How People with Autism Forge Friendships,” Lydia Denworth writes that “Autistic people overwhelmingly report that they want friends. And they have shown that they can and do form friendships with both neurotypical and autistic peers, even if their interactions sometimes look different from those among neurotypical people.”

In the article “Self-perception of friendship style: Young adults with and without autism spectrum disorder,” Finke and McCarthy compare the perspectives and friendships styles of young people with ASD and without ASD. The results of their research might explain why autistic people are friends with other autistic people more than with nonautistic people. Young adults with autism wanted friends who kept physical distance more than young adults without autism, while most young adults without autism wanted more physical closeness with their friends (13). This research also showed that young adults with autism wanted someone to have fun with more than someone to confide in, while young adults without autism were shown to prefer a confidant over a playmate (13). Finke and McCarthy also found a similarity between adults with autism and without autism, which is that both of them would focus on the friends they currently have, rather than making new friends. Overall, despite old stereotypes that said that people with ASD did not want friends, recent research reveals that people with ASD do want friends by their side.

Obtaining friends can be challenging for people with ASD due to difficulties with communication and reading social cues, as well as emotional and physical intimacy. Communicating with adults that have autism can be challenging and frustrating because they may not be able to talk at all or may not be as understandable in their communication style. Communicating with someone that does not have severe autism can be a little easier than communicating with kids or adults that have autism. Some people with autism may rely on sign language to communicate with their parents, siblings, friends or close relatives. It can also be hard for some people with ASD to express how they feel about a certain situation. They may struggle with intimacy and vulnerability, which makes it difficult to develop new friendships with people that do not understand the unique attributes of someone that has ASD. One reason that friendships can be hard is that emotion sharing is difficult for many people with ASD (Bauminger, Solomon and Rogers 751). This discomfort with communicating emotions can be a barrier to forming new friendships, since friendships involve emotional intimacy and vulnerability. In addition to emotional intimacy, other types of intimacy can also be a challenge. Physical closeness can be challenging for young people with ASD because they might not like receiving hugs or being touched by friends or potential friends. Despite these challenges, people with ASD can still make new friends and find ways to be vulnerable and develop intimacy with close friends. While making friends is an important first step, sustaining a friendship over the long term can be difficult for those with ASD.

In order to keep a long-lasting friendship, people with ASD can develop skills for keeping the friends they have made. Keeping friends for the long-term provides unique and valuable social support, because these friends are always there, every step of the way throughout life. Young adults with ASD can have unique challenges with friendships in the long term, but others can develop skills such as learning to communicate effectively and understanding the communication styles of people with ASD. For example, when two people who both have autism are talking, there are more switches from connection to disconnection than in a conversation between two neurotypical people (Denworth 4). This could mean that one person is doing all the talking while the other person is listening or commenting on unrelated topics during the conversation (Denworth 4). One thing that improved this was watching funny videos together which resulted in more engaged discussion (Denworth 4). Therefore, watching funny videos with friends could bring people together and help build conversational and friendship skills through shared experiences. This could lead to long-lasting friendships and improve closeness. This could also build resiliency to protect friendships over the long-term.

One important skill for maintaining friendships is conflict resolution. This can keep friendships from ending and help people with ASD keep friends for a lifetime. Resolving arguments or fights can be hard at times, and this is the same for people with ASD. Denworth describes that even when autistic people develop deeper friendships, they may encounter difficulties like conflict (5). According to Denworth, conflict can be a challenge for women and girls with autism because of black-and-white thinking and catastrophic thinking as well as intensity of emotions (5). Denworth also states that having friends with autism can help reduce certain conflicts (5).

Friendship benefits for adolescents and young adults include reduced anxiety and support systems for independence including in college, yet students with ASD can have trouble in this area. In the article “College Students with Autism: Navigating the Bumpy Road,” Jacqueline Lubin and Jerrie Brooks say that: “College students with autism typically report some general social-communication challenges including limited ability to recognize personal space and engage in reciprocal conversations” (319). Lubin and Brooks state that the college experience can have challenges for students with ASD, such as difficulties with social-communication and selfdetermination skills as well as social-emotional struggles (318). People that start friendships with someone that has autism and that sustain those friendships can have a huge positive impact on the person that has autism. If more people understand autism, there will be more opportunities for friendships to form both between autistic people as well as between autistic people and non-autistic peers.

Friendship provides benefits for adults throughout their lives. Long-term friendships have ups and downs over time, but knowing a friend for many years, they know everything and know how to help in certain situations, and this is the same for people with ASD. Friends can help people through everything they’re going through, and people with ASD can go through many difficult times in life and can use some support from a friend. Researchers Shin and Lee studied the effects of friendship on job stress for hospital workers, and their research “confirmed that a friendship network is a positive source to reduce job stress” (10). Not having enough friends could make it harder to cope with the stress of many jobs for someone that has ASD. If someone has a supportive friend, they will feel safe. For example, when someone is going through something traumatizing like a car wreck or feels lonely and needs someone to talk to, friends are always there. Being lonely is the opposite of having a friendship, and research shows that “loneliness has become increasingly recognized as a major public health problem and increases the risk of premature all-cause mortality” (Sundström et al. 924). Again, having a friend by their side through the tough times and the good times provides benefits that increase health for all people, including people with ASD.

Overall, teachers and parents as well as potential future friends can use the combined research presented above to create opportunities for supporting friendships in people with ASD. Caren Zucker is a well-known journalist who writes about autism as well as a parent of a child with autism and a coauthor of the book “In a Different Key: The Story of Autism”. In their book, Donvan and Zucker described the life of Donald Triplett, who was the first person to be diagnosed with autism. They describe how his parents did not want to send him to an institution as their doctor recommended and as was common back then. Instead, they educated the town about Donald and wanted them to understand that he has autism and to support him through everything. The authors share that as a result, Donald had many friends throughout his life. He had a hundred people throw him an 80th birthday party, and he lived a life full of connections thanks to people who gave him patience, understanding, and were willing to overlook and even embrace his unique way of existing. Donald had the support and understanding that he needed for connection and friendship. In an interview about this topic, Zucker said that “as a parent and someone who loves someone with autism, I think people with autism benefit from friendships just like everyone else. We all want to be loved and have people in our lives.” With more understanding and support, more people can have the same experience that Donald Triplett had. Teachers and parents can support young people with ASD by facilitating ways for people with ASD to connect with other people with whom they share interests.

People who are open to making friends with people that have ASD can start by learning about autism and friendship preferences and behavioral patterns. People interested in and open to these friendships can ask a person with autism what their favorite hobbies are. In their article, Abby Sesterka and Erin Bulluss discuss some key points on how to be a friend to an autistic person. One of the ways they suggest people approach these friendships is to get to know what the person with ASD likes and dislikes in their friendships, as well as their individual communication style and level of comfort with intimacy (5). Another way to be a great friend to an autistic friend is to be prepared to be serenaded with brutal honesty (11). Lastly, if someone is not confident about knowing or understanding something, they should not be afraid to ask their autistic friend directly. Sesterka and Bulluss explain that autistic people are looking for friends that connect to shared interests more than small talk (7). They say that autistic people might not know how to greet people every time but will remember with a lot of detail anything that they have in common with each other, because this is how they show care and affection. Overall, how to be a good friend to an autistic person is not that different from being a good friend in general.

Friendships offer many positive impacts, but misunderstandings have so far interfered with broad understanding of the friendships of people with autism, and more work on increasing that understanding is necessary to improve and grow friendships for autistic people. Autism is a unique experience of being human that people need to understand. Making friends with someone that has autism can be hard at times, but understanding what someone who has autism is feeling, and how they are processing their social world can help start friendships. Having ASD is a serious disability that is very important to know about and understand, because people with ASD deserve better friendships. If people followed the recommendations above, including being patient and understanding with people that have autism, many more people that have autism could live their lives with as many friends as Donald Triplett did.

Works Cited

Bauminger, Nirit; Solomon, Marjorie; Aviezer, Anat; Heung, Kelly; Brown, John and Rogers, Sally. “Predicting Friendship Quality in Autism Spectrum Disorders and Typical Development.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, vol. 40, no. 6, 2009, pp. 751–761., https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-009-0928-8.

Chan, Dara V., Doran, Julie D. and Galobardi, Osly D. “Beyond Friendship: The Spectrum of Social Participation of Autistic Adults.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 2022, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05441-1

Denworth, Lydia. “How People with Autism

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Finke, Erinn H, McCarthy, Jillian H., and Sarver, Natalie. “Self-Perception of Friendship

Style: Young Adults with and without Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Autism & Developmental Language Impairments, vol. 4, 2019, p. 239694151985539, https://doi.org/10.1177/2396941519855390

Lubin, Jacqueline, and Brooks, Jerrie. “College Students with Autism: Navigating the Bumpy Road.” College Student Journal, vol. 55, no. 3, Fall 2021, pp. 318–24. EBSCOhost, https://searchebscohost-com.ezproxy.scottsdalecc.edu/login.aspx? di rect=true&db=f5h&AN=152645032&site=ehost-live.

Sesterka, Abby and Bulluss, Erin. “How to Be a Good Friend to an Autistic Person: Psyche

Guides.” Psyche, 20 Mar. 2022, https://psyche.co/guides/ how-to-be-a-good-friend-to-an-autistic-person.

Shin, Sung Yae, and Sang Gyu Lee. “Effects of Hospital Workers’ Friendship Networks on Job

Stress.” PLoS ONE, vol. 11, no. 2, Feb. 2016, pp. 1–15. EBSCOhost, https://doi-org.ezproxy.scottsdalecc edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0149428.

Stockall, Nancy, and Blackwell, William. “Mindfulness Training: Reducing Anxiety in Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Early Childhood Education Journal, vol. 50, no. 1, Jan. 2022, pp. 1–9. EBSCOhost, https://doi-org.ezproxy scottsdalecc.edu/10.1007/s10643-020-01116-7

Sundström, Anna; Nordin Adolfsson, Annelie; Nordin, Maria; Adolfsson, Rolf. “Loneliness

Increases the Risk of All-Cause Dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease.” Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Psychological Sciences. vol. 75, no.5, 2020, pp. 919-926. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbz139

Wentzel, Kathryn R., Jablansky, Sophie and Scalise, Nicole R. “Do Friendships Afford

Academic Benefits? A Meta-Analytic Study.” Educational Psychology Review, vol. 30, no. 4, Dec. 2018, pp. 1241–67. EBSCOhost, https://doi-org. ezproxy.scottsdalecc.edu/10.1007/s10648-018-9447-5.

Zucker, Caren and Donovan, John. In a Different Key: The Story of Autism. New York, Broadway, 2016. Zucker, Caren. Interview. Conducted by Nicole Schneider. 17 April, 2022.