How to Raise Kids Who Care

By Desiree Simons

We give them piano lessons to nurture their creative side. We sign them up for soccer or basketball to help them develop physically and learn to be a “team player,’ and hire a tutor if they need a little extra help in math. We do all these things in hopes of raising a well-rounded child. But what about kindness and compassion? Thankfulness and generosity of spirit? Do these come naturally? Most experts say no.

However, if you start early and create teachable moments to share these values, your child will have what he needs to become a kind, compassionate adult.

Help Identify Feelings

Empathy is defined as,“the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling in a particular situation and respond with care,” according to the National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families. It is a complex skill that develops over time. However, a toddler as young as 18 -24 months begins to realize he has thoughts and feelings, and others have their thoughts and feelings, which might be different from his own. Experts call this, “theory of mind.”

Also, your child can understand words (receptive ability) long before she can speak the words (expressive ability). The first step to developing empathy is being able to recognize and give a name to feelings. Help her identify her emotions and the emotions of those around her.

“You are happy when you eat ice cream.” “Jimmy is sad because his mommy had to go to work.” “Elmo is mad because the Cookie Monster ate his cookie.” When she’s a little older and can talk, take it further and say,“Daddy has a headache. What could we do to make him feel better?” When she brings daddy her favorite toy or blanket, she’s “responding with care.”

Katie Hurley, child and adolescent psychotherapist in Los Angelos calls this “playing social detective.” Don’t create lessons about feelings. There are tons of teachable moments every day to help your child develop empathy. Hurley says empathetic children are more likely to “grow into well adjusted adults who have adaptive coping skills.”

Show and Tell

It’s not enough to say, “you need to be kind to others, or you should be thankful for what you have.” The absolute best way for your child to learn about kindness, gratitude, empathy… is to see those in action at home. Don’t allow your children to call each other names. All siblings argue, but insist they do it respectfully. Words do matter. Of course; the same goes for you and your spouse.

Praise your child when he deserves it. He will be more likely to give praise to others, which is a form of kindness. Descriptive praise is more meaningful than generic praise, says Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, author of Becoming a Happy Family: Pathways to the Family Soul (2015) “I really liked the way you passed the ball, and you made a difficult shot in the second quarter” versus “good job tonight.” shapes. Each member of the family writes what he or she is thankful for. Toddlers can draw or have someone write for them. New leaves can be added weekly or monthly.

Kuczmarski also suggests looking for ways for you and your child to be kind together. She says, “acts of service and kindness free us and our children/preteens from self-imposed me-focused lives by widening our circles of compassion.” Perhaps a sick friend could use a home cooked meal, or an elderly neighbor needs a ride to the post office. Take your child with you as you provide assistance.

Lederer also suggests talking to children (toddlers and up) about ways to help people who don’t have as much as they do. The National Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families website suggests helping at a local animal shelter, food pantry or program that collects warm clothing during the winter. Be sure to make the connection for your child between what you are doing and how it is helping the recipients. “The coats we collect will help kids just like you, stay warm this winter.” Explain the importance of being grateful for what we have.

Children are bombarded with “must have” messages about the newest toy or the latest gad-

Talkabout why it’s good to help people. Ask school age children about classmates. Is there anyone who needs a kind act? How about the new kid or the one who’s “different?” Explain that being kind doesn’t have to be a “big deal.” Saying “hi” or asking someone to play can help someone feel better.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Like other values, children can start to understand the concept of appreciation before they display it outwardly. At about 18 months begin prompting your child to say “please” and “thank you.” Read books about what it means to be thankful. Show appreciation to your child. This one is easy to forget, but it has a big impact on him when you say, “Thank you for putting your toys away without arguing,” or thank you for that big hug!”

A gratitude tree is a great visual reminder, says Dr. Francine Lederer, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. Make a tree out of cardboard or construction paper. Tape it to the wall. Cut out leaf get. It’s tempting to get these for your child, but it is hard for her to be grateful if she gets everything she wants all the time. Consider regularly rotating toys. Put some away for awhile and retrieve them later. Start a traditon where your child donates one of her gently used toys when she recieves a new toy. Give older children an opportunity to earn expensive toys or video games. They may not like the idea but the item will mean much more if they have a hand in getting it.

Experts suggest not showering your child with gifts during the holidays. Very young children are overwhelmed by lots of gifts and often start playing with the boxes before all the gifts are even opened. Ask family members not to go overboard with their gift giving.

The values you want your children to have may not come naturally, However, it’s worth taking the time to talk about them and most importantly model them, not just occasionally, but from the time they are infants until they leave your home.