Do you hate iPads? Good news! Prep is going back to basics. Page 3
Climate change meets family friendly entertainment. Page 6
Mr. Eagan’s treacherous journey to the boxing ring Page 7
Thee Seattle Prep Panther April 1st, 2016
seapreppanther.org
Volume 71 No.10
Kent Hickey Announces Presidential Bid GG ‘17
So far presidential candidates Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, and Hilary Clinton have dominated the political field during this election season, but a new candidate is now entering the race, Seattle
Prep School President Kent Hickey! Hickey announced his entrance in an interview on Good Morning America just last week and in this short period of time he has already swayed the voters.
Referencing Saint Ignatius and the supportive Seattle Prep community, he led a quick prayer and moved his audience with an inspiring speech that highlighted his devotion to God, America, and fighting for Adelphia. The tables are rapidly turning in this presidential race as more and more voters move from the traditional Democratic and Republican candidates to supporting Hickey and his campaign based on Ignatian values. “I plan on tearing my foes asunder, much like my background at Seattle Prep has taught me” said Hickey in an interview, “Many of my fellow candidates do not seem to be committed to justice, but if I am elected I will surely make this country spiritually alive.” Though election day is only months away it seems as though Hickey has got this in the bag. Even many of the current candidates have commented on his “devotion to others” and “spirit of kindness towards all.” Remember: It’s not tricky, vote for Hickey!
Sounds of Silence: A New Art Form Sweeping the Working World GABBY JEANKLE ‘19
Move over coders! A new zero period is coming to Prep next quarter. The Arts department of Seattle Prep is happy to announce the addition of miming class. This class will take the place of computer science, and will be offered to juniors and seniors looking for a way to strengthen their resumes during zero period. The class will be mainly comprised of techniques, artistic skills, and the basic do’s and don’ts of miming; along with an in depth analysis of modern mimes, and introduction on how to get into the working professional world of silent actors. Fingers crossed that the class will finish off with a trip to the miming capital of the world, Cleveland. Adding this class to the Prep curriculum was not just an impulsive decision. Recent studies have shown that the need for coders and computer engineers is diminishing, while miming is the new
hot occupation. According to the latest issue of Forbes, professional mimes are “the hidden gems” of the working world. This is why colleges like Stanford, Harvard and Brown are integrating miming, or “physical theatricality” workshops to their curriculum. There is even an increasingly popular Marcel Marceau scholarship, that provides awareness for the art form. The class will be taught by to Coach Scott, who mentioned he always wished that he had an opportunity like this when he was in high school. Scott states; “It’s a great class, and I’m proud to teach it. It really sets us apart from so many schools around us” Scott said he got the idea after hearing about a group of Detroit teens who abandoned their violent ways after learning to channel their emotions into dramatic imitation. There have even been rumors of Blanchet starting a miming troop, so per-
haps Prep has some quiet competition in the near future. Students already have taken to the new class well. With a waiting list of over two students, it’s easy to tell the class will be a hit. Many computer science students have opted to stay in the period, and mime coding on pretend computers. “I was sad when I first heard that a class I was looking forward to taking was going away, but as the miming industry grows, the experience will be helpful” said Noelle Whitman ‘18. In this day and age, it is easy to believe that talkies are taking the lead role of entertainment in western society, but miming is still a beautiful art form that deserves more appreciation. Thanks to the tireless efforts of Coach Scott, committed students, and Jacques Copeau, Seattle Prep is setting a precedent for miming teens everywhere. Go forth and be silent!
Hacked! Apple Leaks Snapchat Pictures FOPHIE SREEMAN ‘18
Snapchat is one of the most popular apps used among young adults. Snapchat is used to message your friends with a picture or video that disappears within 10 seconds of being opened. But what if those snapchats sent to your friends were never deleted? Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, revealed that the company has purchased Snapchat. After Apple was accused of being “too secretive,” Cook said he is releasing every private picture and video from Snapchat in order to counter the accusation.
Apple wants the world to know that they are a fully cooperative and helpful company. While the company remains unwilling to open iPhones for the government, they are willing to make all photos and videos from Snapchat public. Starting April 8, all snapchats will be available online. While researching, The Seattle Prep Panther learned that it will be very easy to access previously deleted snapchat photos or videos. By going to the website, looking someone up by their first initial,
last name, and school, personal snapchats from the last six months will be immediately available. In only a matter of days, all of the most memorable snapchats can be seen by friends, family, and others. All of those embarrassing and forgotten photos or videos thought to have been deleted, are coming back. The Seattle Prep Panther has found the link to access every snapchat. If at all interested, search www.snapchatrevealer.org and any photo or video can be accessed!
Seattle, WA 98102
Kairos Secrets Revealed NELLY YUKI‘17 GEORGINA SPARKS ‘17 The Junior Kairos retreat is one of the most secretive traditions at Seattle Prep. The Panther has taken on the task of revealing some of the most riveting and well-kept Kairos secrets. First off, the packing list has been revealed including certain strange items such as a watermelon, a swimsuit and crocs. But the best advice which is usually withheld in order to not scare Kairos goers is to bring lots and lots of bug spray because there is no doubt you will get bitten more than once. To fight off the swarms of bugs, it is highly recommended to bring a mosquito net to put around your bunk bed as protection from acquiring viruses such as the Zika virus and malaria (not to worry, none of these viruses have actually been inflicted on any Prep students). The packing list is not the only secret aspect of Kairos however. Once the starving students sluggishly get off the 8 hour bus ride to camp, everyone is greeted by a group of leaders who blindfold students then lead them to an obstacle course where they explain that if retreatants pass, then they get to eat dinner. Fall, winter and spring Kairos is usually pretty muddy, so after attempting the obstacle course everyone is completely covered in mud from head to toe. This initiation on the first day is an exciting way to begin the rest of the retreat! Other than the deadly mosquitos and exciting initiation day, there is a ritual on the second night for every junior year Kairos retreat where Mrs. Boyle wakes everyone up in the middle of the night by singing "The Sound of Music" through a megaphone. Then, you are brought outside in your pajamas and are required to jump into the water to cleanse your sins. The tradition is like the infamous "Polar Plunge," and a lot of fun! One of the more spiritual aspects of the retreat involves a special daytime event that requires retreatants to come equipped with helmets, elbow and kneepads, mouth guards and their own set of roller blades. Mr. Mack leads Juniors on a special Kairos roller derby team against Seattle’s own derby team, the Rat City Roller Girls. On the last night of the gruesome yet entertaining retreat, everyone speaks and shares their feelings at an open mic on a large stage and confess something they feel bad about. Similar to the movie Mean Girls everyone on Kairos has to stage dive into the crowd of your classmates in support of jumping over this huge hurdle in their faith journeys.
Editorials
2 The Seattle Prep Panther Editors in Chief Dirty Harry ‘16 Eminem ‘16 Photo Editor A Leaver ‘16 Prep Life Editor Emily Kearney ‘16 Entertainment Editor Rick Steves ‘16 Sports Editor Tim Riggins ‘16 Digital Editors Jonathan ‘17 Bart Bass ‘17
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editor: Dirty Harry ‘16
A Jelly Inquiry (FACT) DIRTY HARRY ‘16
On dry land, jellyfish appear harmless, looking like worn out plastic bags, but in reality they can really pack a punch. The informal definition of the jellyfish is a type of free-swimming marine animal consisting of a gelatinous umbrella-shaped ball and trailing tentacles. Many of the jellyfish in our local waters are moon jellyfish, small blue and light pink and relatively harmless. However, jellyfish vary dramatically with some over eight feet in diameter and others having tentacles up to 130 feet long. Now that’s starting to sound scary. Jellyfish have been around for over 650 million years and today there are thousands upon thousands of different species, many of which have not been fully identified and catalogued by scientists. 650 mil-
lion years ago, animals did not have skeletal structures and jellyfish were of the first to have separate organ systems in one organism. Contrary to popular belief, jellyfish are not fish at all; they are actually a form of plankton. They do not have bones, a brain or a heart. Jellyfish only act on a basis of stimulus. Scientists have found that, “to see light, detect smells and orient themselves, they have rudimentary sensory nerves at the base of their tentacles.” These gelatinous friends do not hunt but rather react to a stimulus. A jellyfish may sense an edible organism in its vicinity and then consume the tasty organism. Many believe jellyfish simply float and cannot control their movement. This theory is actually incorrect; jellyfish are
able to control their vertical movement by opening or closing their bell-shaped bodies. Some humans boast that we are seventyfour percent water but, to our astonishment, jellyfish have us beat as they are a whopping ninety-eight percent water! That means they are only two percent actual jellyfish, how do they even exist? Unlike most humans, except in cases such as Lord of the Flies, jellyfish can be cannibalistic. This is because they do not necessarily choose what they eat, they only eat what their nervous system decides. So the next time you go swimming and “get stung” by a jellyfish, do not blame it on the small jellyfish; you are the one that swam into them.
Trump Breaks Down Walls Between Social Classes BALTHAZAR KENT ‘19
Writing Staff Brooke Davis ‘16 LeBron ‘16 Reed Motsinger ‘16 Nelly Yuki ‘17 David Cameron ‘17 Georgina Sparks ‘17 Katniss ‘17 GG ‘17 Sariella Maludares ‘17 Ivy Dickens ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Annikan Skywalker ‘18 E.K. Cooney ‘18 Fophie Sreeman ‘18 Siona Fcanlan ‘18 Gabby Jankle ‘19 Tom Kearney ‘19 Wyatt Parent’s Twin ‘19 Mrs. Potato Head ‘19 Moderator Giles Corey
Mission Statement
The Panther is a student created, student-run journalism program which provides the Seattle Prep community with accurate, informative articles and media while practicing the components of a professional newspaper. The staff aims to create an informative newspaper and website which focus on issues important to our high school community.
Editorial Policy
The Seattle Prep Panther is a forum for student work and the editorial board makes final decisions regarding publication. The editorial board’s responsibility is not only to present one viewpoint, but to reveal multiple perspectives. The views represented in the Panther or in online publications do not necessarily represent the views of the entire staff, the school, or the administration as a whole.
Find us online at: www.SeaPrepPanther.org Twitter: @SeaPrepPanther
Unleashing the Truth About Child Leashes EMINEM ‘16 Breaking news, folks! It turns out child leashes are not the most embarrassing thing a poor child would ever have to experience, but instead, the best invention there ever was. The history of the child leash dates all the way back to the year 1991 in the depths of Bellevue. A group of rowdy 2-yearolds would not stop eating the bark off of trees while their mothers were not watching them closely on walks in the park and this became cause for concern. After many attempts to get them to stop, they looked to who anyone would look to in a time of crisis like this, their assortment of miniature goldendoodles. Over a few glasses of Pinot Grigio, Susan Pamplemousse came up with the idea to collar their children and put them on a leash. Barb with a bob was so enraged
by this idea that she flipped Carol Louvre’s tables and stormed down the orchard-lined 1.47 mile long driveway. They never heard from her again. Rumor has it she moved to Boca and started her own mimosa blog. Meanwhile, the rest of the Bellevue bunch continued to work part-time on their latest hobby: the child leash. After examining the construction of the complex contraption that is the dog leash, this group of suburban moms altered it to fit their rebellious toddlers. They then started their own small business out of one of the Sharons’s guesthouse. In order for the leash to fit each of their unique styles and to coerce their children into the device, the traditional collar and leash layout had to go. The harness had to be cleverly disguised in order for their invention to be socially acceptable.
That is when the adorable stuffed animals come in. The newest models include characters from Spongebob, Frozen and best of all, Minions. In addition to being stylish, child leashes are completely safe. There is no common way to harm a child when they are sporting the latest child leash trend. In fact, 1 in 11.9 children are injured because they are not wearing a child leash. Additionally, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend them. So, the next time you see a kid with a child leash on, don’t make fun. You never know how much history is behind that animal-themed strip of fabric.
Prep Life
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editors: Nelly Yuki ‘17 and David Cameron ‘17
3
Panther Pride Puts Prep on TV A. POTATO HEAD ‘18
Olympic Week karaoke is showcased in the first episode of Panther Pride
iPads Out, Textbooks In
It is official! Prep has gotten its own reality TV show. Q13 FOX has been thinking about this idea over the past few months and they finally decided to make the show happen. Camera crews will walk around campus every Monday and Thursday to uncover the truth behind the students and faculty’s lives. The producer of the show says, “I really admired Prep’s students’ and faculty’s hard work, persistence, competitiveness, and craziness-- the good kind. I saw it as a great way to influence viewers to do the same and to have fun. This is another thing that we want to show in this series.” FOX wants to feature students and faculty who perfectly show these characteristics. The first episode of this series, titled “Panther Pride” will introduce Seattle Prep and what it is all about. From athletics to academic achievements, this episode will tell almost everything. It will give viewers an idea on what the series will be about
and hopefully will make them interested to watch the series. At the end of each episode, there will be a mini skit or challenge. Each class and the faculty will be assigned specific weeks to do their skit based on a theme that is randomly drawn. It can vary from serious to comical skits. The theme will be announced the week before the episode that it is airing on. “I think that we picked some really interesting themes,” says one of the crew members. Executive Producer Jim Jeffrey said “I’m excited to see what will happen.” Some days there will be challenges instead of skits. From the seven second challenge to the cotton ball challenge, the list is endless. The first of episode of Panther Pride will air on the 8th of April at 7:00 pm on Q13 FOX.
SIONA FCANLAN ‘18
With much consideration over the past two years, Seattle Prep has decided to go back to old-fashioned textbooks. The root cause for this decision was the distraction of iPads. Everything from Snapchat to Flappy Golf has made classrooms at Prep less productive. The technology team went through months of observation and debate in order to process the devices. The staff finds the devices to not be as functional as they hoped for. One anonymous Prep teacher said:”Textbooks just function better for our school. Textbooks are so much more engaging, innovative, and hands on!” Prep’s administration sees a great future in textbooks. They know students will be extremely excited about their heavier backpacks. Finally, they wont have to lug around those light little bags. Textbooks are
advantageous because instead of just looking up a page, you get to flip through the entire book. Students should look forward to covering their new books with recyclable bag covers each year to come. Also, purchasing four plus textbooks each year at the UW Book Store, is so much easier than an instant download on a device. Parents are ecstatic about buying these high priced books again each school year and selling them back after. It seems that some things never need to change. Now there is no need for Haiku pages, hip cases, Quizlet, and air dropping in class. Sophomore Hailey Nelson says, “I couldn’t be more excited to throw away my iPad and crank out the books.” There you have it, iPads have served their time, but are ready to go.
Junior Cade Osterman gets excited for the return of textbooks.
The Panther Gets The Oscars Right DAVID CAMERON ‘17
Since the Oscars aired two months ago, there has been a world-wide cry of outrage. “Why didn’t Star Wars win more awards?” “Why wasn’t the lead of the Danish Girl up for best actress?” “Why do they nominate so many animated movies if Pixar just wins every time?” Everyone has heard these questions, and while the dedicated team at The Panther can’t provide answers, we can give the world the Oscars it deserves. So here it is: the first annual Panther Awards, where the true heroes in cinema this year will get the recognition they deserve. Like the Oscars, The Panther Awards will start with the awards that no one cares about, but instead of wasting time with multiple nominees, introductions, and explanations, the Panther has combined Best Cinematography, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing, Best Costume Design, Best Makeup and Hair, Best Original Score, Best Original Song, Best Original Screenplay, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, Best Editing, Best Documentary, Best Short Film, Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Best Actor in a Supporting Role and Best Foreign Film into one category entitled the You-Are-TechnicallyNominated-for-an-Oscar Award. And the You-Are-Technically-Nominated-for-an-
Oscar-Award goes to ... (drum roll, please) ... The Grand Budapest Hotel. And no, we don’t care it that came out two years ago. But before getting to the juicy stuff, The Panther has decided to create a number of original categories for comedic effect. First off, the nominees for the NotQuite-as-Good-as-the-Original Award are Mad Max: Fury Road, Mission Impossible V: Rogue Nation, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Jurassic World, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Creed, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay pt. 2, Furious Seven, Magic Mike XXL, Terminator Genysis, Pan, Cinderella, and Minions. And the winner is ... Spectre! Because while the others were widely understood to be worse than the originals, a noticeable faction actually believed that Spectre was on par with the original Bonds. Because they are wrong and because no one wants to think about Terminator Genysis anymore, even to insult it, Spectre gets the win. Next up, the nominees for the This-Was-a-Let-Down-Because-the-HypeWas-Ridiculous Award are Star Wars: the Force Awakens, The Revenant, Sicario, and Bridge of Spies. And the winner is ... Crimson Peak. If anyone sat through this entire movie without vomiting, please send recorded proof of this to room 217 in McDonald Hall to receive a small monetary prize
and the immense respect of an entire room of people. And now the award everyone has been waiting for: Best Animated Film. The nominees are: not important, because this choice is so obvious it hurts. Pixar. Give it to Pixar. Inside Out. Next: the people. Best Actor in a Leading Role goes to ... Leonardo DiCaprio for the same reasoning that the Academy had: “Why not? The internet will love it, and there really wasn’t anything noticeably better this year.” And Best Actress in a Leading Role goes to ... Krysten Ritter for Marvel’s Jessica Jones. That’s right! Here at The Panther we don’t take nothing from nobody, and if anyone has a problem with the Panther bringing TV into the Oscars, come by room 217 during window to talk it over with us. With that out of the way it comes to best director. Which goes to ... Spike Lee. Look, no one on The Panther saw Chi-Raq, none of the readers saw Chi-Raq, there are no false pretenses here, but Spike Lee is still the best director. He’s just the best dude in general. And finally, after reading this whole article or skipping to this paragraph, which is totally acceptable, the end has come. What will receive the award for best
picture? Will it go to Spotlight again in an ironic anticlimax? Will a terrible movie like Chipmunks get the award in the equivalent of a third-grade joke? Will an unknown movie get the award in an attempt to make The Panther seem knowledgeable and superior? Ooh! The suspense is killing you! And the winner ... of the first annual Panther Awards ... is ... Ex Machina! Because seriously, Academy, get with it. This movie was freaking phenomenal in every way, and it gets hurdled by the sub-par fluff they had nominated this year? Look, Spotlight was a good movie. The Revenant was a good movie. Heck, Bridge of Spies was awesome. But Ex Machina was just transcendent. It looks like this year will give us yet another example of the Academy letting a classic slip by, and Ex Machina will go down in history with Citizen Kane and Alfred Hitchcock in the category of things that didn’t win but will end up much more famous than the thing that did. Go out tonight and watch Ex Machina. It’s like four dollars on Amazon. So take that, Academy, and The Panther is still mad about Alfred Hitchcock.
4
Prep Life
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editors: Annikan Skywalker ‘18 and A. Potato Head ‘19
Infinity Pool Installed on AMH Roof BROOKE DAVIS ‘16
The waters atop the new infinity pool glimmer in the sunlight.
Carpooling to Seattle University’s swimming pools will officially end next school year for Prep’s swim team. After many meetings, palm readings, and Magic 8 Ball consultations, Seattle Prep has finally decided to begin construction on a pool here on campus. Not only will there be a brand new pool, but it will be a brand new infinity pool on the top of Adelphia Memorial Hall. An infinity pool makes the water look like it just continues on forever, and although it costs quite a lot of money, the infinity pool from “Jones Barbeque and Pools” gave Seattle Prep a great deal of only $100,000 plus tax!
This pool will overlook Montlake. Seattle Prep decided to build this pool after finally realizing that the thirteen minute drive to Seattle U (eight minutes without traffic) is too long and wastes valuable swimming time. Senior Elizabeth James said, “I’m sad that I won’t be here to actually get to use the new pool, but the drive has always been such an inconvenience, and I’m glad that Prep swimmers will finally get back those invaluable thirteen minutes.” This infinity pool will be paid off within at least 400 years which is a small price to pay for such a valuable asset to the community.
Chipotle Opening in Smith Cafeteria SARIELLA MALUDARES ‘17 It’s finally here Prepsters– next fall, a Chipotle store will be installed into the Prep cafeteria. The school board needed a lot of convincing, but after mentioning that the E-coli Chipotle fiasco is no longer a concern, they signed a check to fund the installation of the store right away.
es. It has been promised that all employees will be paid with free burrito bowls and chips which is an opportunity that nobody would want to pass up. The Chipotle franchise has also agreed to not charge students extra for guacamole, just as long as they have their Prep ID present.
The Chipotle store will replace the cafeteria bathrooms, and Prep students are encouraged to work the store during lunch-
Students have been waiting for this moment for quite some time, and the school has finally answered all of their prayers.
Junior, Katie Erickson says, “I’ve always wanted a Chipotle available at school. It’s going to be so convenient when I’m craving that burrito before softball practice.” The benefits of Chipotle to student learning are well known. Educational adviser Stephanie Dorfman says, “A steady diet of Chipotle has been proven to increase productivity in the classroom and release dopamine in teenagers’ brains.”
Though teachers are concerned about more frequent trips to the bathroom, the board of the school has decided it is a smart and healthy option. So, next fall, look out for that new Chipotle stand in the cafeteria. And also stay clear the bathroom from now on because the construction crew will be tearing that place apart in order to put in the desired Chipotle store.
Prep Prohibits Tomfoolery: Rule Changes to Enforce Discipline ANNIKAN SKYWALKER ‘18 Seattle Preparatory School seeks to enrich students’ experiences by promoting Jesuit values and disciplining when necessary. Faculty and staff have recently met to discuss a list of actions that will be prohibited for the remaining days of school and will be effective immediately. The following actions are banned from the school for the reasons provided and failure to comply may result in JUG: 1. Wearing camel-colored clothing on hump day: In honor of these magnificent and hard-working creatures of the desert, Prep refuses to tolerate the adornment of camel-colored clothing on Wednesdays. It is arrogant for one to compare themselves to such inspiring even-toed ungulates. 2. Eating soup with left hand: The local Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppitybop-BopBop cult has expressed it’s wishes for nearby schools to ban this action, as it upsets the Wikki Tikki spirits.
Moses Kent ‘19 rebelliously shimmies when regarding his collegio teacher, Ms. Leaverton. 5. Wearing white vans while having the name Daniel: Please. Just don’t. This is for everyone’s mental health and safety.
3. Dabbing when sneezing between the hours of 11am and 5pm: It has been requested that students control their urges to look really cool in front of their classmates by secretly referencing a popular dance move as germs spew out of their mouths and onto their biceps.
6. Trumpery: This not only refers to worthless articles of little or no use, but also (similarly) to unnecessary Donald Trump comments.
4. Rigging Olympic Week: It is well known that Juana Collegio deserved to win this year. Seattle Prep will no longer stand for the unjust tomfoolery.
7. Using the font Comic Sans: Individuals who choose to use such a distasteful and immature font have been proven to commit a higher rate of crime later in life.
These convicts know only how to make cereal for themselves, scratch up cars in the Prep garage, and avidly support the Kardashians. Prep seeks to raise intellectuals whose font defaults to Times New Roman. 8. Shimmying when addressing collegio teachers: It has come to the faculty’s attention that this is a reoccurring problem, particularly after sassily refusing to complete Notes Sheets. Psychologists have identified this dance as an act of arrogant de-
fiance, traced back to our peacock ancestors. It is an understandable instinct, but students are asked to control their flamboyant impulses. Seattle Prep faculty would like to thank everyone for their cooperation. Outside of school, these are all perfectly appropriate responses to daily situations. It has been assured that it is still possible to have fun while avoiding all actions listed above, and that in abstaining from buffoonery, students are likely to become better, smarter people.
Feature
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Tim Riggins ‘16 & Tom Kearney ‘19
5
First Lady Exercising Her Rights to Bare Arms TIM RIGGINS ‘16
Everyone knows that Michelle Obama is the face of promoting healthy eating among the youth of America. She is also well known for her amazingly sculpted arms. Her workouts typically include cardio, weights and sometimes pilates or yoga. She wakes up at the crack of dawn to perform these workouts, getting herself ready for the day. Recently, the First Lady released a workout video featuring a variety of different workout tutorials, lasting about 1 hour for each video. These high intensity workout videos are part of Michelle’s “Let’s Move!” campaign, promoting ways to live healthy lives through eating and staying ac-
tive. Seattle Prep is jumping on board with this campaign, by allowing all students to participate in weekly sessions of her heartpumping videos. The videos made by the First Lady emphasize one area of the body but still incorporates other areas in the workout. For example, in Michelle’s lower body video, circuits of squats, kicks and cardio are mixed together like a beautiful fruit salad. However, in between circuits the video focuses on core and back muscle strengthening. Also, in the first ten minutes of each workout, Michelle Obama plays various sound or video clips of speeches made by
her husband, Barack Obama. This adds a little controversy to the videos but can also include a topic of discussion among students. Seattle Prep was recommended by other high schools to integrate these workout videos with the PPD curriculum. Being a Jesuit high school, the administration jumped at the idea of combining political discussions with physical activity. The exercise is at a perfect level where students are capable of talking while working out. Coach Scott knows Michelle Obama personally and have collaborated together through many issues, “Michelle’s videos have put me in the shape I am in now, and I believe
that everyone should follow my example.” Overall, the satisfaction students will receive from the exercise videos from Michelle Obama will be substantial. Studies have shown that working out decreases stress along with numerous other benefits. All moves can be modified to fit a person’s fitness level but allow them to feel the burn. PPD classes will begin to incorporate these videos in their classes starting next fall. Students are also able to participate in the workouts as a Window class in the gym, monitored by Coach Scott. These intensive workouts will surely create “change” in your life.
Beyond the Surface LEBRON ‘16
A student plays on the new Fischer-Price tablets all Prep students will be required to buy in 2018.
Girl Scout Cookies Recalled Amidst Health Scare TOM KEARNEY ‘19 During the last months of winter most people anticipate the arrival of the beloved Girl Scout Cookies. They provide people with a sweet treat and are only available for a few months out of the year. Millions of boxes are sold but this year has been a little different. The Girl Scouts of America recently announced that their most famous cookie, the Thin Mints, are infected with E. coli. The first reports of the outbreak surfaced in late February, but Girl Scouts failed to notify the public until just recently. Over thousands of cases have been reported since the original outbreak and doctors are expecting those numbers to rise rapidly. In an effort to stop the outbreak Girl Scouts around the country have been asked to go to everyone they sold cookies to and get back the Thin Mints. So instead of smiling girls coming to the door offering delicious cookies they are coming to the door sulking and are confiscating all of the Thin Mints. Reports have come in that all the
celebrities who purchased Thin Mints at the Oscars have come down with E. coli. and are suing the Girl Scout troop that sold them the cookies. Aaron Rogers took to Twitter saying that he is “outraged that the Girl Scouts of America would let this happen and because of them [he] has to put his football training on hold in order to get better.” Many are concerned that this will be the end to the Girl Scout cookie domination. Some even worry that this will be the last year Girl Scout cookies are even sold. A student at Prep mentioned that “Although I would miss the sweet cookies that they provided I will forever be haunted by the horrible weeks I spent sick from eating a box of Thin Mints.” Anna Maria Chávez, the CEO of Girl Scouts, is scheduled to release a statement sometime in the upcoming week and many are asking for her resignation. After 75 years of providing sweet treats this may be the end of Girl Scout cookies, and possible the end of Girls Scouts as an institution.
Seattle Prep has made yet another major decision in a recent slew of administrative actions. This latest choice has been implemented to further modify our technology program. Recently, it was announced that we are transitioning from iPads to the Microsoft Surface in 2018. However, this new action will override the Surface shift and instead bring a new device to the hands of all Prep students. This high-powered tablet device will truly allow students to embrace learning in an easy to use digital format. This tablet will eliminate the distractions brought about by iPads, be more compact and intuitive than a Surface, and allow students and teachers to learn more than ever before. This device is called the Smart Stages tablet and is manufactured by the dedicated educational-based company Fischer-Price.
The Smart Stages tablet is a revolutionary new device. As the manufacturer describes, “The Smart Stages Tablet is a student’s very own tablet! Scholars can press “app” buttons to learn letters, first words, animals and more! The tablet will light up and dance to the songs & phrases. It includes Smart Stages, an exciting new technology that lets you change learning as scholars grows with 3 levels of learning.” These intuitive tools will fuel creative minds at Seattle Prep for many generations to come. The administrative team and IT Department wholeheartedly agree that this device is the best tech device that has ever been created for educational purposes. This amazing machine will be in all students’ hands by next year, so look forward to learning more with Fischer-Price’s Smart Stages tablet in 2017!
Leo’s Dreams Sink Once More as Oscar is Recalled EMILY KEARNEY ‘16
The 88th Academy Awards seemed like the perfect night for one of the world’s most popular and beloved actors, yet it has turned out to be nothing short of a cruel illusion. After the world celebrated along with Leonardo DiCaprio for his win as Best Actor in a Lead Role, the Academy released a statement explaining that DiCaprio was, in fact, not the intended recipient of the Oscar. Academy spokesperson Steve Harvey expressed the organization’s sincerest apologies. “We are sorry. We messed this up even worse than I messed up the Miss. Universe pageant. The correct name wasn’t even on the card! Leo was not the winner, it was our mistake.” In lieu of the announcement, DiCaprio was politely asked to return the Oscar to the Academy so they could present it to the actual winner. DiCaprio refused, prompting the Academy to send special agents to his Malibu estate and retrieve the award with brute force. The found DiCaprio huddled in his sauna, clutching the tiny gold man and hurling obscenities at anyone who came within twenty feet of him. Eventually, the agents were able to sedate him and recover the award. DiCaprio’s current whereabouts are unknown, but sources close to the actor have disclosed that he’s experiencing an emotional breakdown and has been binge
eating bison liver. After DiCaprio’s award was rescinded, the Academy held a news conference in the Dolby Theater to announce the real winner. After another prophetic apology from Harvey, he presented the Oscar to its intended recipient: Sylvester Stallone. “We just were really shocked that Sylvester wasn’t as horrible in Apollo as he was in all those Rocky movies. In fact, he gave a knock-out performance!” remarked Harvey in a post-reward show interview. “Everyone knows ‘best actor’ is synonymous with ‘most improved actor.’ Rocky 2.0 clearly deserved the W for this one.” Stallone was ecstatic about his win despite being duped at the actual Oscars. After he accepted the award he ran up onto the stage, jumped around while pumping both fists in the air, and shouted: “Yo Adrian! I did it!” Although Rocky fanatics are ecstatic that Mr. Stallone has finally won an Oscar, DiCaprio devotees all across the country are lamenting over Leo’s loss. Fans are dying to know if the star will continue acting after another year of Oscar let-downs. Perhaps if he was offered a role in which he was an up-and-coming boxer who traveled back in time to defeat the great Rocky Balboa. Perhaps.
Entertainment
6
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editors: E. K. Cooney ‘18 Fophie Sreeman ‘18
If You Give a Moose a Muffin Laura Joffe Numeroff’s Tale of One Boy’s Journey to Manhood Laura Joffe Numeroff’s If You Give a Moose a Muffin is the charming and profoundly moving sequel to If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. On the surface it tells the charming but apparently simple story of a young boy and his adventures with a whimsical and somewhat scatterbrained moose. These adventures are kicked off when the boy decides to give the moose a muffin, a choice that forever alters the life of the boy and the moose. The story is not what it may seem, as the characters and structure reveal a complex look into the adventure and uncertainty of adolescent life. In some myths and legends, the moose represents mothering instinct and care, while in others the majestic creature is a symbol of strength and masculine pride. From this folklore it can be inferred that If You Give a Moose a Muffin is really rooted in bildungsroman themes of a young boy leaving the protection of his mother and becoming a man. This is supported by the mouse from the first installment, who represents shyness and naivety, and the pig from the third, who symbolizes luck and prosperity. Through this epic trilogy, readers witness the growth of a boy from timidity to a promising future. The story is a beautiful depiction of how one act can set off a chain of lifechanging events, and how all things are
E. K. COONEY ‘18
connected to each other. How else could a loose button on the moose’s sweater lead to a puppet show? Written in second person, the book employs a conditional structure of cause and effect. Decisions lead to reactions which spur future decisions. Just as an infinite number of numbers can add up to be a finite number, the seemingly perpetual circle of actions and reactions has a beginning: the act of giving a moose a muffin. Bildungsroman tales such as this one tell the story of what an individual makes of his or her lessons from childhood. Having learned the effects of giving the mouse a cookie, the boy makes a decision to give a moose a muffin. By doing so, he once again turns a humble piece of sustenance into the spark that sets his future ablaze with adventure. Numeroff also includes strong social commentary about the lives of young people and how they are shaped by the characters in the world around them. The moose, though he means well, is constantly coming up with new ideas and desires, which the hero must continually fulfill. This is akin to the demands society has of young people, and the demands young people have of each other. Being a youth in school is no easy feat. There is pressure to meet the wants of teachers, parents, friends, and personal desires. By giving the moose a muffin, the
Disney’s Revenant a Hit with Families
Senior Avery Brown shares the poignant novella with a friend.
boy has unknowingly set himself up for a challenging day and much pressure to make the moose happy. Like a true hero, he rises to the occasion, making muffins, finding blackberry jam, and putting on a puppet show. He finds a way to turn the obligations into an adventure. Though the story does not employ rhyming verse, it is crafted in a unique combination of artfulness and brevity. There is a hint of lyricism underlying every sentence. The simplicity of the language leaves no room for confusion, while the whimsy of the situation finds imagination in the monotony
Drake & Josh Reunite to Fans Joy
WYATT PARENT’S TWIN ‘19 Last week, Disney made the exciting announcement that they will be buying and recreating the movie The Revenant as a cartoon. The story will keep the main plot but will be making some kid-friendly changes. Disney is taking out the blood and gore from the original and creating a more family friendly movie. Also, the movie will promote positive messages like determination and courage. This heart-warming story follows Hugh Glass, a hardworking fur trapper who is on a mission to find his family and a place where he truly feels like he belongs. This movie is predicted to do extremely well because of its star studded cast. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson will be playing the bear, Kevin Hart will play Hugh’s squirrel/sidekick, and Leonardo DiCaprio will play the
of every day life. Without giving too much away, If You Give a Moose a Muffin has one of the most satisfying and well-executed endings of its genre. Loose ends are tied, conflicts are resolved, and questions are answered. It takes a true master to be able to round out such a far-reaching tale. Laura Joffe Numeroff’s second installment of her world renowned trilogy combines a seemingly simple medium with a crucial and powerful message. The result is a masterpiece.
JONATHON ‘17 and IVY DICKENS ‘17
main character, Hugh Glass. Also, the score will include the musical talents of Selena Gomez and Mariah Carey. Songs will include “The Forest,” “A Bear!” and “Where Am I?” These catchy melodies are expected to be incredibly popular and mimic the “Let It Go” hype. In addition, there have been rumors of a sequel to The Revenant cartoon, which will be entitled Revenant 2: Still Attacked. Disney enthusiasts everywhere are anxiously awaiting the release of this family friendly musical. Revenant merchandise is already being sold in almost every kid’s store and can be seen worn on almost every kid. Families and young children everywhere are extremely excited for the release of this new film.
“Hug me brotha!” because Nickelodeon is having a reunion series of Drake & Josh, coming summer 2016. Everyone’s favorite brothers and sister are hitting the big screen once again, with hilarious knee-slapping jokes and endless shenanigans. After constant requests, Dan Schneider, creator of famous shows Zoey 101, iCarly, Victorious, and Sam & Cat, has finally decided to rally the gang back together since its last airing in 2007. The new season will still be based in San Diego, but Audrey, the mother of the household, is now grieving the death of her beloved husband Walter. Walter tragically died of a heart attack in the middle of one of his weather forecasts. Audrey needs her children to help get her mind off things and back into the swing of everyday life, but she shortly finds out that it is more than she
bargained for, with even more chaos once all members are living under the same roof again. There is also some romance featured in the new season, as Josh is engaged to his high school sweetheart Mindy Crenshaw, and Drake is on the lookout for a steady relationship. Megan Parker, Drake and Josh’s manipulative and conniving little sister, has moved on to greater things. She is studying at Stanford to become a marine biologist. However, she still makes the effort to concoct devious plans to mess with her brothers away from home, despite her busy schedule, and will make several special appearances throughout the show. The boys are still involved in comedic misadventures and obstacles. This new season is certainly one Drake & Josh fans will not want to miss!
2016 Bumbershoot Lineup Boasts Local Favorites, Legends Seattle’s annual gathering of energetic high schoolers, nostalgic semi-adults, families, hipsters, and artists alike is just four long months away. Named for the instrument that Seattleites rarely use to ward off the downpour, Bumbershoot brings the city together for three days of music, fun, food, and art. Arguably one of the most anticipated announcements during the summer months, the lineup for the festival is immediately analyzed. This year, The Panther has acquired the list of musical artists who will be gracing the presence of festival goers this fall. Durand Durand: This heavy metal/country/classical fusion band will make you want to bulk up and rock out with songs like “Do U Even Lyft” and “Get Out of My Weight Room”. The lead singer of this group is rarely seen without his work-
RICK STEVES ‘16
out gear and protein powder. Marky Mark and the Mitchell Bunch: Headliner Marky Mark and the Mitchell bunch is sure to amaze the crowd with their U2-esque sound and style. Lead singer and guitar player Mark Mitchell brings a literary influence to the group and will attempt to bring the audience in with a group discussion. Andy McCartney: This solo artist will transport audience members to a simpler time. The last remaining member of his former group, McCartney will play a mix of new and old songs. Always a crowd pleaser, his set will likely include an interrogation of a lucky random audience member by his back up dancers, The Mock Ballaz, while McCartney plays. This interpretive display is sure to find the audience guilty of dancing.
Mr. Mack Miller: Rollerblade god Miller brings acrobatics and music together. While he raps about various activities like hurdling, the Olympic games, and retreats, he will glide across the stage with beautiful form. If any audience members have questions, or are not feeling welcome, Miller is sure to solve all of their problems. Peterhans and Oats: This act will include a 30 minute meditation at the beginning of their set. Led by Peterhans himself, the purpose of this exercise is so that audience members can relax before the show and be mindful of the music that follows. The psychedelic melodies, including “Silence,” “You Have to Eat Like a Free Person,” and “Dwelling in the Ultimate,” bring listeners out of this world and into the present. Andi Hendrix: Seattle legend Andi Hendrix will grace the Bumbershoot
main stage this fall in a rare public appearance. Festival goers had better bring their A-game and a writing utensil, as Hendrix is sure to encourage listeners to jot down some of his insightful lyrics at the end of each song. His songs will flesh out the most recent New York Times in an impressive improv. Sonny and Cheryl: This rap group will spit some rhymes and bust some moves as they name all of the presidents in under 40 seconds. School House Rock has nothing on Cheryl, who will make sure listeners leave with a complete understanding of the levels of the government. Bumbershoot next fall has a stacked lineup and will attract all ages. Make sure to buy your ticket early and don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sports
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editors: Bart Bass ‘17 and Ivy Dickens ‘17
7
Dragons To Drag Hated Students Away
Prep Polo Team Gets on its High Horse
CADE OSTERMAN ‘17
REED MOTSINGER ‘16
As the spring sports schedule comes again, the fabled Dragon Slaying Contest will be held at Prep. Although it was previously held in A200, the Rahner Collegio room, there seems to be a problem with the drainage system in that room thanks to all the students’ tears, NHD papers and failed tests clogging the drain. Due to these technical issues, the Dragon Slaying Contest will be held on the new gym floor, with no drains. Mr. Kelly stated, “For entertainment purposes, we hope that the contestants will have to wade through the gore from previous fights. This ought to make the fights more interesting for the crowd. The gym floor was made specifically for this purpose. Along with that, we would like as much spectator trash as possible to make its way onto the floor. Spilled drinks are the best.” This year’s fine group of contestants will include one representative from each class. Those nominated for this special event are usually the students who can not seem to find that elusive A in Health and Wellness. While this accomplishment maybe quite simple for some, it is rather difficult as the percentage of As handed out to students is usually only 98%. Many thanks however, should be given to the PE depart-
ment for providing this year’s monstrous group of dragons. Last year’s stunning return of the Blue-Bellied Bottlesnout to the competition triggered the loss of three students without As in Health and Wellness. However this year, Mr. Hickey has informed the Newspaper Staff that there is to be the reincarnation of one particularly amazing dragon. After retiring 7 years ago, Mrs. Collucio has decided to leave her scheming to rule the world with chemicals and to return, in dragon form, to blast some students with fire. She will undergo the change over the next few weeks just after Easter. If you see a sign on her door that says, “ Walking Cano” please take heed and don’t enter unless you wanted to be mopped up by the Janitor and thrown away. The Prep Administration hopes to have an entertaining, gory and all around disgusting completion this year. The first match will be a red-out so hopefully the floor and the stands will be indistinguishable. Thanks to Marquette Collegio for volunteering to scrub the gym floor following the contest. Hopefully this year will bring some excitement to the dull lives prep students lead.
The day that Prep has finally been waiting for has come. While a new crew team may have been good, and the prospect of a Prep sailing team has many excited, what is soon to trump the drama of the hallways is the new and refined Seattle Prep Polo Team (SPPT) that will open its doors to new members in the spring of 2017. The team plans to use horses coming from the endangered animals’ park located in Burien, Washington, meaning that many of these beasts still remain largely wild and untamed. This poses another challenge for many of the new coaches and members of the team, as they will not only have to worry about their own technique and ability to play the sport – but also their horses’ simple ability to make them able to play at all. While the competition will be tough, the coaches (including Prep’s very own Coach Smith) have noted that upper-
classmen will have a priority for positions on the team. In addition, people who wear apple watches, vineyard vine t-shirts, or Sperry shoes will be a given a bonus mark in addition to the score given for technical ability. When told about the idea, senior Megan Faricy ’16 said, “The vivacity and determination required to play a sport like polo really embody what the Prep student body is all about. I just wish that I could be here to see such a great sport be brought to the Prep community.” Iris Thatcher ’16 further noted, “Many people at Prep have been interested in Polo, but there was never really any opportunity to try out the sport.” Whether you are a polo connoisseur or are terrified of horses, the Prep Polo Team is sure to delight. So get your bucket hat and your fitbit, and go get on your horse.
An action shot of Mr. Eagan enjoying a great match.
Eagan Finds Focus in Boxing Career A LEAVER ‘16
Favre looking happier than ever to be back on the field.
Favre Announces Second Comeback FERNANDO RODNEY ‘18
Now that the sheriff, Peyton Manning, has left the NFL, the league’s best remaining quarterback is debatably Tom Brady. This caused great sadness for NFL fans everywhere. Thankfully, there is no longer a cause for such concern. Brett is back. That is correct, Brett Favre has announced yet another comeback from retirement. After coaching a Louisiana high school football team to the state championship, Favre believes he has his swagger back and is ready to take on the world’s elite at the ripe old age of 46. Favre’s sponsors, including CopperFit, Wrangler and ToughBlade are ecstatic at the news and fully support Favre in this historic move. For those of you who forgot, Brett Favre has come out of retirement once before, in 2008, before he played
a few more seasons with the Jets and Vikings. After being asked to come back for the Rams in 2013, Favre has said he had always wanted to come back. With Manning gone, Favre realized he finally had a chance to reclaim his old records that Peyton broke. That alone was not enough to bring Favre back to the NFL. As soon as it was announced that Mark Sanchez would be the replacement for Peyton Manning, Favre announced from his Louisiana home that he would be making his return to football for the Denver Broncos. Favre apparently couldn’t stand the potential Sanchez would have, and made his decision to step back out onto the field. Wearing his classic #4 for yet another team, this time for Denver, ‘The Gunslinger’ is back on the gridiron.
Although best known for his math addiction, it has become apparent that Peter “AsympTKO” Eagan has a bright future in the boxing world. Some have even said that he will be better than the infamous Manny Pacquiao. Experts have predicted that Eagan will win more than ten world titles in his career. He has already boxed and beat some of the current top boxers such as Adrien Broner and Lee Selby. Eagan doesn’t have the cleanest background after being addicted to mathamphetamine, but he has turned to boxing to help himself get over his addiction. After constantly being seen with his fellow math heads in various math dens, it was clear that he was an addict. When he finished his day job he would rush out of the office telling coworkers he need to pick up his kids from school. However, he was actually rushing over to his math lab to work with other math heads to formulate new math equations, formulas, and theorems. When his wife found out about these destructive patterns she sent him to rehab. At first he was not open to the idea of rehab, but after thinking about how often he left his children at their school while he was in the math lab he decided he
needed to get his act together. He has been clean ever since returning from the rehab facility. After ridding himself of his destructive habit, Eagan needed something to fill the math void. While taking a stroll through Seattle’s Greenwood neighborhood he noticed the TITLE Boxing Club. He decided to wonder inside and discovered the exciting world of boxing. He signed up for a few classes and discovered his passion for the sport. Training hard day in and day out Eagan worked to become the best boxer in the greater Seattle area. One day while he training, Mike Tyson walked in and saw Eagan’s ability. Tyson soon became Eagan’s mentor and has given him opportunities to fight and train with boxers like Robert Easter Jr. Soon after these experiences ESPN took notice to his fighting abilities and have started to cover his career. With the success creeping up on him so suddenly Egan has stated, “I have worked so hard to get be this point in boxing. I know I am good, in fact I could fight and beat Manny Pacquiao right now.” Pacquiao has yet to respond to this challenge.
8
Question Women
seapreppanther.org April 1, 2016 Editors: Emily Kearney ‘16 and Rick Steves ‘16
Who was the last person you had dinner with?
“I have no idea ” -Conor Brennan ‘18
“The guy who invented the retreat with trees” -Maddie Cecchi ‘18
“Saint of Jewish bread” -Taryn Frank-Looney ‘19
“The person who invented Costco” -Sam Hiatt ‘16
“Saint of students” -Chris Martin ‘16
“A baker of cakes” -Lily Teders ‘19
“Saint of caucusses” -Betsy Ratliffe ‘19
“Someone who loves Jesus” -Zach Ellinger ‘18
“The guy who invented bulk food” -Jack Bronson ‘19
“A famous actor” -Alec Morino ‘17
“The guy who hired “The guy who lets McCarthy and Seth Chism sleep in” Richardson” -Seth Chism ‘16 -Katie Erickson‘17