A Talk about Talks

from Talk of the Town January 2023

Saltburn Rats star in the Pied Piper!

Graeme Aldous considers a machine-free future You know, I think it might just work… with over 360 talks given to WIs, Probus meetings, Yorkshire Countrywomen‘s Association and Retired Men‘s Forums, there‘s a wealth of amusing stories to tell. Like the ladies lunch club (and I‘ll make it clear that none of these tales feature organisations in Saltburn!) in a hotel.

I usually bring a big TV to show my video clips, but because the dining room would be a bit pushed for space the hotel wanted me to leave that at home and use their projector and screen. This was the occasion that taught me never to go down that route… my video clips involve sound, but the hotel were only thinking of a silent slide show. Projector, yes. Screen, yes. Speakers, no. There wasn‘t time to go home and get an audio system, but the hotel said they would find something. They did… a pair of those little speakers that sit on your desk for your computer sounds. And this was a large dining room full of a keen audience! But despite the rather ‗thin‘ sound, no-one complained, so it wasn‘t a disaster after all.

But having said ―Never again‖, I recently broke my own rule. One local authority venue has rather strict rules about un-tested electrical equipment being brought in, but were happy with a battery laptop plugged into their projector and sound system, which I‘d used successfully in the past. My latest talk has no pictures, but featured interviews I did with star guests when I worked at BBC Radio Cleveland (now Tees) Eartha Kitt, Peter Ustinov, James Irwin (who drove a car on the moon). I checked from the venue that the audio would still work without pictures, and was assured it would. But what the caretaker didn‘t know, but I was about to find out, was that the audio amplifier ‗went to sleep‘ if it didn‘t receive a signal after a couple of minutes. The next piece of sound would wake it up again, but only after 3-4 seconds. All my audio clips missed off the first few words I don‘t think that the audience noticed particularly, but I certainly did.

No, once again, I‘ll bring all my own kit in future. But not even that is guaranteed to work. One organisation I went to hold their meetings in a club room with a dance floor, and tables all around the edge. When I brought in my big TV they were most unhappy couldn‘t I use the club‘s projector and screen? This was even though my acceptance letter had made it clear that I used a television, but with everyone sitting around the edge of the dance floor, most of them were too far away to see the TV screen clearly. Eventually a couple of tables and a few chairs were found, and put in the middle, but most of the audience were still around the edge, and they still wanted me to use the projector and screen. The club steward rummaged around and found a suitable lead to fit their kit, and I plugged everything up and ran my ‗test card‘ screen to check that it all worked. A bit late, but I was ready. Although first they had to finish selling the raffle tickets an exercise that found new ways to make paying a pound and getting a ticket a very long and drawn out procedure. In those days I was using a special DVD to show my pictures, and as I waited for the tickets to be sold, I glanced at the player. I was horrified to see that the display on the front now said ―No Disc‖. But of course there was a disc… I‘d just played the first track on it. But no… the player had chosen just that minute to sulk and fail, and refuse to recognise the DVD. After a slightly edgy start to the evening, I was now faced with a large audience waiting to see pictures that I couldn‘t play. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing picking up a copy of the DVD title that the talk was about, and moving animatedly around the floor to keep their attention, I managed to ad-lib for 45 minutes without a pause. The DVD box may have been a very passive aid, but it worked they remained enthralled, and I got a round of applause at the end. But for some reason they‘ve never invited me back for the follow-up talk!

But here‘s a thought… writing this has made me think that perhaps I could do a new talk a Talk about Talks! We‘ve already gone behind the scenes of working in Radio and Television with ‗Sir Tony Robinson Talks Like Me‘, ‗Take 2‘ and ‗Here Comes Her Majesty Now‘. ‗A Talk About Talks‘ would add a nice, neat tenth title to my library. And I wouldn‘t need to bring any kit! (You can see the full list of Graeme‘s talks, and how to book him, at www.teeafit.co.uk/tsv/talks.htm.)

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