Wellbeing

Finding solace in helping to handle grief

Tragedy leads Doris to bereavement education

LEARNING to grieve can be the toughest lesson of all.

When Doris Zagdanski was diagnosed with breast cancer seven years ago, someone suggested to her it was the worst thing that could ever happen.

“I just looked at them and said ‘No, I’ve already survived the worst thing in the world – breast cancer is just a small stumbling block’,” the Gold Coast grandmother recalls.

“I didn’t tell them the details, just that breast cancer didn’t rate for me.”

That might sound surprising until Doris explains that, for her, the “worst thing in the world” was losing her daughter Claire to cot death, which is now known as sudden infant death syndrome.

More than 40 years later, the 66-year-old admits that while she might have learnt to live with the grief, she has never forgotten what it was like.

But she has found a way to handle the pain, for many years working as a grief educator and now training funeral directors with some of Australia’s best-known brands – including White Lady, George Hartnett Metropolitan and Somerville Funerals – on how to deal with people coping with the death of a loved one.

The daughter of postWorld War II migrant parents who spoke only German in their Geelong home, Doris was so determined not to be “the wog kid” that she devoted herself to learning English and became an overachieving, straight-A student.

Not content with simply being bilingual, she studied Japanese in high school and then Japanese and German at university, ultimately becoming a Japanese teacher at her alma mater – Oberon High School at Belmont.

“Mum is German and Dad was Ukrainian – she was 20 and he was about 27,’’ Doris recalls. “They were lucky to come to a country that was very good to them and gave our family so many opportunities.’’

Doris’s father passed away about 10 years ago but her 91-year-old mother still lives in a nursing home in Geelong and continues to speak to Doris and her siblings in German, while they respond in English.

Determined to make something of herself, the young Doris became an overachiever.

“If I didn’t get an A – 95 per cent or 100 per cent – I considered I didn’t do well,” she says.

But as is so often the case, the attitude that set Doris up to soar when she achieved also set her up to crash badly when she felt she failed. For her and her husband, Peter, that crash came on June 17, 1980.

Her life was changed forever that night after she discovered Claire’s lifeless body in her cot and then could only watch as Peter desperately performed CPR, sobbing as he begged their

DEALING WITH DEATH: Funeral industry trainer Doris Zagdanski.

baby girl to start breathing again.

“It took me at least five years to emerge from that cloud of grief. I’ve since learned that you don’t get over that sort of grief – you learn to incorporate it into your new way of living.’’

Compounding Doris’s pain was a feeling that she hadn’t been allowed to say goodbye properly during the funeral process.

“I’ve always regretted that I didn’t get to pick her up and hold her one last time, from the moment we found her in her cot.

“l didn’t get to do it when the ambulance took her away and when I asked the funeral director if I could hold her one last time, he said, ‘No, we don’t do that’.’’

Three years after Claire’s death, Doris met a funeral director and told him how she felt, in no uncertain terms.

She pulled no punches in letting him know she thought funeral directors knew little about grief – parents’ grief in particular – and didn’t know anything about holding funerals that were a meaningful way of saying goodbye. To his credit, he invited Doris to share her views at a conference of funeral directors and two years later, in 1984, offered her a job.

Since that day she has not only worked as a funeral director, but also devoted her life to training others in the industry on how they can do their jobs with compassion, respect and empathy.

“A mentor in the funeral industry once told me that what happens in the first five days after a death can impact on that family for the next five years,” Doris says.

Doris has written seven books and countless articles and columns to help people deal with grief, and since 1992 has worked for national funeral brand InvoCare, both as a funeral director, Queensland general manager, and now as a trainer based at Nerang.

LIVE A N INSP IRED LIF E

Supporting the w Queensland Co u n t As soci a t i o r k o f t h e r y W o m e n ’ s o n

Kimb erley Jo se ph

— f ro m L A t o C WA

Ar e y ou up fo r t he challenge ? 177 0-2 02 0 Le arn about Cap tain Co ok’ s l egac y Wh at it tak es to be a v olunt eer

An Inspirational Gift!

Ruth is for women who care about their families, their communities and their country.

Buynow froma Newsagentnearyou!

$ 8 95

per edition* *while stocks last

and receive a bright, colourful Country Kitchens tea towel ... orbuya Subscription

SENIORS \\JUNE, 2020 23 WELLBEING It’s a sight for sore eyes

Video hook-up simple option for accessing OPSM’s advice

OPSM continues to support the eye care of Australians in light of COVID-19 with the launch of tele-optometry.

Those with eye health needs can now book a remote video consultation with an OPSM optometrist from the comfort of their home.

Using video-conferencing technology, an OPSM optometrist will ask the patient a series of questions to evaluate their eyesight, make an informed diagnosis and guide them through the next steps, including appropriate management.

Peter Murphy, OPSM director of eyecare and community, Australia and New Zealand, said: “OPSM wants to ensure that Australians continue to have access to eyecare services in the current health crisis, especially for those in remote communities and aged care facilities, people with disabilities, and essential workers.

FRESH FOCUS: With some COVID-19 restrictions still in place, OPSM’s video consultations give you convenient access to professional help, whether you have eye concerns or have lost or broken your glasses.

“Our tele-optometry services will help in two main scenarios. The first is where the patient may have an eye health concern. The second is where the patient may have an urgent need to replace their lost or broken glasses.’’

To better inform people, Mr Murphy answered some questions about eye health and COVID-19.

Can COVID-19 be transmitted through the eyes?

Current research shows that the chance of spreading the virus through the eyes is possible, but rare. Multiple studies found only a small amount of the virus in tears of infected individuals. That said, in alignment with the Australian Government Department of Health, you should take all necessary precautions to avoid touching your eyes.

Do glasses help protect against COVID-19?

While glasses can provide some protection from COVID-19, that protection is limited to the shielded area of the eye. In alignment with the Australian Department of Health, you should take all necessary precautions to avoid touching your eyes.

The free MyRA website provides individually tailored information designed to help people seize control and become active participants in their journey with the disease.

Arthritis website takes holistic approach relevant to any patient ARTHRITIS Australia, in partnership with the Australian Rheumatology Association, has launched a new online rheumatoid arthritis patient support website.

“Everyone’s journey with rheumatoid arthritis is different. Some people are at the starting point, while others have been living with arthritis for decades,” said Arthritis Australia CEO Andrew Mills.

How should I clean my glasses in this period?

COVID-19 is thought to remain on some materials for hours or days. For this reason, it is advisable to regularly clean your glasses. A standard hand soap or glasses cleaning spray that contains detergent should be effective at removing potentially harmful microbes. Using antibacterial products such as a hand sanitiser or household cleaning spray to clean your glasses is not recommended. This is because they probably contain alcohol or chemicals that could damage the lens surface of your glasses.

What can I do about increased screen time straining my eyes?

There are many studies that associate prolonged computer use with eye strain and discomfort. Ocular surface dryness (due to infrequent blinking) can result in symptoms. To minimise this, you should take a break every 20 minutes and look at an object 6m away for at least 20 seconds. You can also change your computer display brightness.

The MyRA website was developed in collaboration with state and territory based arthritis organisations, informed also by respected international arthritis peers.

The result is a digital platform that provides a holistic patient support system. It covers topics such as symptoms, risks, treatment options, diet, exercise, day-to-day tips, support services and how to manage pain, mental health and fatigue. It looks at how to build good relationships with healthcare teams and provides updates about COVID-19. The website also links to the National Arthritis Infoline.

Wendy Favorito has lived with RA since she was six, and participated in the trials of the website.

“It is fantastic that there is now a one-stop shop for robust and reliable information,’’ she said.

Rheumatologist Professor Susanna Proudman said the holistic approach was a game-changer for people with RA.

“Patients may only have face-to-face time with their rheumatologist for a few hours each year and GPs can’t be expected to cover everything outside of that,’’ Prof Proudman said.

Visit https://myra.org .au, or phone 1800 011 041.

LIVE A N INSPIRED LIFE

Supporting the wo rk of the Queensland Co untry Wo men’ s A ss ocia tion

the gift of sheep pr oducts Rapt in Wo ol

Mak e yo ur ow n cr ochet ed plant Re disc ov ering art dec o Bush lif e Le arn about the incr edible artis t E rt é Wh at it ’s lik e w orking on a c att le st at ion

An Inspirational Gift!

Ruth is for women who care about their families, their communities and their country.

Buynow froma Newsagentnearyou!

$ 8 95 per edition

and receive a bright, colourful Country Kitchens tea towel* *while stocks last ... orbuya Subscription

Howard brushes off the blues VERSE-ATILE: Actor John Howard’s lockdown selfie (left) during a poetry reading and (above) his sidekick Colin the cafe kelpie.

Tracey Johnstone

IT’S ironic: the industry we are relying so heavily on to keep us occupied as we stay at home during the COVID19 crisis is largely being ignored when it comes to financial handouts.

“It seems the spirit of our society is not considered essential,’’ actor John Howard says.

“That’s what we do: we tell stories about our society. Apparently, according to this Government, that’s not essential, yet it seems in lockdown people find it extremely essential.’’

Most of the industry participants who have brought us films, plays, operas, TV shows and music live on casual employment; day to day, contract to contract.

Add age into the mix and the immediate future is dire.

Howard, 67, a Silver Logie winner, star of many iconic Australian movies, plays and TV shows such as SeaChange and Packed to the Rafters can’t qualify for JobKeeper, is too old to receive JobSeeker and is far from ready to retire, so the pension isn’t the answer either.

There is no reason for him Living

to stop working; he knows he can keep going until he drops, as long as there are acting roles for him.

On March 15 and in the throes of delivering a stellar performance in Melbourne as part of the national tour of the comedy show Senior Moments, Howard found himself unemployed and on a plane home to Sydney.

The upside of that experience? He discovered he has a “beautiful” singing voice. Delivering Puccini’s Nessun Dorma in a mock opera during the show, Howard was quite surprised he could do it, and well. Could he add this to his long list of talents? Yes, he declares.

During this social isolation around Howard, many of his colleagues are continuing to develop acting material, but with a reduction in arts industry government grants and the restrictions around social gathering, several have turned to Woolworths, working stacking shelves. Howard holds some hope that his writer colleagues will remember to include roles for older actors.

“Normally (when a job finishes), you go and get a job somewhere to keep some cash coming through,’’

Howard says. “Over the 45 years I have been working, sometimes I have been working and sometimes I haven’t. This is unusual as there aren’t options.’’

Back in his apartment at the seaside suburb of Manly, the past few months have been a time of reflection for Howard as he struggles with no income.

Reinvention is currently the most obvious option for him. Howard is keeping himself amused by writing poems, or “Pome’’, as he calls them – because he doesn’t like to take himself too seriously – and painting. He posts his work to his Facebook #JohnHoward and Instagram #JohnHoward ActorOfficial accounts.

Encouraged to share his work, unruly-haired Howard dons the iso poet’s dark glasses and launches into reading his favourite Pome, called Grace.

“And now a gentleness comes to us.

In the eye of our storm of desire and fear.

A quietness my love.

Out of our talking, into our listening.

Grace.

The most beautiful word I know my love comes to us.

And we can be truly happy.”

There’s not much money in poems, Howard admits,

Howard has discovered his painting talent during lockdown and produced some impressive work (above and left),

but his newly discovered painting talent is another thing. Last year he “invaded” the studio of artist and friend Sophie Gralton.

While cleaning her brushes, he found the inspiration to try painting a parrot.

“Some months later I put it on Facebook to see what would happen,” Howard says. “Someone bought it. I thought, hello! So, I painted a few more birds, then I got a run on ibises and from there it went to ‘Can you paint my dog?’.”

When the mood takes him and the artistic side of his brain gets juiced up, he will spend 20 minutes or up to eight hours a day painting. Howard has also taken on painting people, but those efforts are not for showing yet.

The idea of an exhibition is brewing in his brain but that will happen sometime in the future as he develops more material and skills and waits for the world to return to normal.

“I am really enjoying it, so I am looking to be as good as I can.”

Facebook has become an important tool for Howard to remind his many followers “I am still around; I haven’t shuffled off to Buffalo”.

He’s also accepted an advocacy role with the Queensland organisation Designer Life, which offers career transition for matureage job seekers.

“It’s about retraining people over 40. There’s going to be a lot of that going on,” Howard says.

“The reason I am doing this is I think it’s a very worthwhile thing for people to be considering.

“The longer this goes on, I am thinking I am going to have to reinvent myself.

“A lot of us are having to reinvent what we are doing, who we are and how we are going to make a living.”

SENIORS \\JUNE, 2020 LIVING Kindness restores faith

Plenty we can be proud of as mateship rules in tough times

Gail Forrer

GET in early, push, shove and elbow in.

In the last days of March this year, that’s the way many Australians beat their neighbours to toilet paper, sanitiser, rice and pasta.

When the supermarket shelves emptied, underground chats shared the names of newly stockedup supermarkets, but they, too, emptied quickly.

Finally, for those not up for the physical challenge of crowds and competition, the supermarket offered up specific shopping hours.

Panic buying is a survival mechanism linked to selfpreservation, says psychiatrist and author Dr Mark Cross.

“When the individual becomes more important than the community.”

In the uncharted world of COVID-19, for many Australians, panic buying was a first response, a behaviour brought about through existential anxiety.

But, according to 55-yearold Dr Cross, a man who publicly shares details of his life lived with serious anxiety attacks yet speaks out with candour, humour and authority, there is a flip side to this behaviour and it’s very positive.

“The community has

SERVE OF GOODWILL: Britt Ayling with the paid-forward coffee notes at her New Farm cafe GROUND, where customers have embraced the idea of helping others.

reached out to support each other,” he said.

Queensland’s Care Army, which has enlisted people able to check in on the elderly and vulnerable during lockdown, is an example of giving support and saving lives.

However, Dr Cross notes there have been individual examples across the country.

“Neighbour has gone to neighbour to share and shop. I’m so proud to be Australian,” says the former South African.

“The way we have embraced each other is the Aussie spirit of mateship.

“Social media seems to be kinder too – there’s a sense of humour, just look at the memes.”

Brisbane cafe owner Britt Ayling said she was a recipient of some of the goodwill.

She has owned her New Farm cafe GROUND for two and a half years, gaining a reputation for serving great coffee with a warm smile.

In the early days of the virus, her custom-made outdoor chalkboard was stolen.

Britt flipped the situation by installing a board that quickly filled with the “pay-it forward’’ notes. The community generously gave and the recipients appreciated their free cup of coffee. And there have been other acts of random kindness.

“When I mentioned I was finding it hard to get flour, a customer brought some in,” she said.

As the supermarket shelves have refilled, others have emptied.

Rather than panic buying, there is a rush on a new

Anxiety expert and author Dr Mark Cross says there have been many examples of random kindness during the lockdown.

range of items – with an intergenerational flavour. Because of all the footpath art, chalk can be in short supply.

The art often drawn by kids has brought a hearty response from admiring grandparents.

A rush of home-baking has meant a shortage of baking dishes and ingredients, but also a sharing of recipes between young and old, and bicycle stores report business is booming – for every age group.

And while our shopping habits are in the spotlight, Dr Cross says it’s also time to be aware of how wasteful our society is.

Gail Forrer BE prepared.

There are things that an angst-filled teenager will not want to ask their parents.

But if the grandparent/ aunt/uncle/ godparent is open, receptive and well read, the touchy conversations may well start with them.

Sixty-four-year-old Melbourne journalist and media identity Eileen Berry is the energising force behind the creation of Parent Guides, an Australian not-for-profit organisation that has set up a comprehensive website and various book guides to help parents, grandparents and carers to educate themselves about drugs, sex, social media, mental health and more.

Talk about tricky teen subjects — you can with expert guidance

The guide came about after Eileen, a concerned citizen, caring aunty and godmother, realised she was not hearing or seeing the sort of conversations that could support our youth.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “The conversations we weren’t having years ago – we’re still not having now.”

The Australian Bureau of Statistics says the average Australian creates just over 2000kg of waste a year. Each household spends $1266 on goods purchased but never used.

About $600 worth of food is wasted by each household every year.

What are your good-news stories?

Please send them to me at Gail.Forrer@seniors newspaper.com.au.

The website www.parentsguides.com.au presents up-to-date research and expert advice in a “no-holds-barred’’ way that tackles difficult issues and facilitates conversations.

Helping families to be mentally strong and deal with the “tremendous challenges” they face is close to the heart of retired businessman, father-ofthree and grandfather of seven, David Corduff.

The Beyond Blue speaker and now Parent Guides ambassador is passionate about mental health. He often sees parents, carers and children struggle to cope with social media, cyber bullying, drugs, gambling, mental health, and respect.

“There is a definite gap in connections – and this resource helps to plug it. In an ever-changing world, parents need to access factual, research-based information such as the Parent Guides,” David said.

David worked in manufacturing and has been married to Liz for 45 years. He arrived from Ireland in

NEW PATH: Parent Guides can help communicate with a teen.

on the Mornington Peninsula, which offers short-term, low-cost respite facilities for families affected by adverse conditions.

David is also a fan of Alan Hopgood’s superb play about suicide, Jess Chooses Life, and wants to see it and Parent Guides promoted more widely, particularly in schools.

“Life is always full of challenges,” David said.

“It is our response to these challenges that determines whether the outcomes are good or not so good.’’