PAIRS for PEERS: Emotional and Social Learn for Young People by The PAIRS Foundation, Inc.

Special Editition with Artwork by Rae Maté

PAIRS for PEERS® Practical Exercises for Enriching Relationship Skills A PAIRS Curriculum Student Handbook

Special Edition Rae Mate’s illustrations

Published by Purpose Built Families Foundation 9050 Pines Blvd., Suite 305 Pembroke Pines, Florida 33024 USA (877) PAIRS-4U | (877) 724-7748 Email: info@pairs.com Online at www.pairs.com Library of Congress: V3631D669. ISBN-13: 978-0-9854278-7-0. Manufactured in the United States of America.

PAIRS for PEERS® includes copyrighted and proprietary information. All rights to publication and distribution of this material are reserved exclusively to Purpose Built Families Foundation. Except as indicated, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without advance permission in writing from the publisher. “PAIRS” and “PAIRS for PEERS” are registered trademarks of Purpose Built Families Foundation. Copyright © Purpose Built Families Foundation. All Rights Reserved. Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com/peers

“

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” - Tennessee Williams

PAIRS for PEERS | A PAIRS CURRICULUM

PAIRS for PEERS A PAIRS Curriculum Practical Exercises for Enriching Relationship Skills: A PAIRS Curriculum With profound appreciation for the contributions of Virginia Satir, Daniel Casriel, Lori Heyman Gordon, and each of those pioneers whose passion for understanding and empowering fulfilling human relationships illuminated our path. Purpose Built Families Foundation is the sole provider of training, certification and licensure for PAIRS Coaches, Facilitators and Trainers worldwide. Our global community of providers delivers educational courses in accordance with rigorous ethical and licensing standards designed to ensure consistent excellence and the satisfaction of every program participant. Your personal feedback is important to us.

PAIRS for PEERS

Contents

Introduction

•

Emotional Jug

•

Anger

•

Emptying the Emotional Jug

70 | Session Seven:

10 | About the PAIRS Approach

•

The Fair Fight

11 | About PAIRS Programs

•

Dirty Fight

•

Fair Fight for Change Process

•

Coaching Guidelines

•

Fight Style Profile

•

Fight Results Profile

13 | Congratulations

Sessions Overview 17 | Session One: •

Two Sets of Skills

•

Relationship Road Map

•

The Logic of Love and Emotion

24 | Session Two: •

Communication Stress Styles

•

The Leveler

32 | Session Three: •

Daily Temperature Reading

40 | Session Four: •

Good Talking | Good Listening Skills

•

Mind Reading

50 | Session Five:

60 | Session Six:

•

Talking Tips

•

10-Steps Process

•

The Differences Between “You“ Talk and “I” Talk

86 | Session Eight: •

Assumptions

•

Caring Behaviors

94 | Session Nine: •

Drawing Conclusions

•

Clear Thinking Rather Than Stinkin’ Thinkin’

102 | Session Ten: •

Letting Go of Grudges

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

In tro duc tion

9 9

PAIRS for PEERS

ABOUT the PAIRS Approach PAIRS is a research-validated, highly experiential approach to creating and sustaining successful relationships. Through an innovative, proprietary technology researched and refined almost a half century, PAIRS consistently delivers experiences that empower participants with practical, usable skills to strengthen emotional literacy, empathy, communication, problem-solving, collaboration, connection, and bonding. PAIRS stands for Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. The range of PAIRS programs emerged out of a multi-decade search for answers to all the questions of what it took not to fall in love — that’s the easy part — but to sustain healthy, intimate relationships through life’s natural passages, transitions, and challenges. Beyond the domain of romantic love, our capacity to create and sustain successful interpersonal relationships is increasingly recognized as the basis for thriving families, schools, teams, organizations, workplaces, and societies. Inspired by the pioneering work of Virginia Satir, widely considered the mother of family therapy, the nonprofit PAIRS Foundation was established in 1983 to create a safer, saner, more loving world through experiential learning that strengthens human connection. Since 2017, advancing that mission has been the responsibility of Purpose Built Families Foundation, a nationally accredited nonprofit dedicated to strengthening families as the foundation of resilient neighborhoods and communities. The skills delivered in PAIRS Essentials empower participants with practical, usable, time-tested tools for accurate, authentic

communication; deepening empathy and compassion; listening attentively to create an environment of emotional openness and honesty; navigating conflict and differences constructively on behalf of a shared vision and mission; uncovering hidden expectations to avoid assumptions and misunderstandings; recognizing the influence of past experiences; and embracing opportunities for growth, learning, and collaboration. Advanced programs more deeply explore the self, family, and system dynamics, the role of bonding in the accelerated re-education of emotions, behaviors, and attitudes; creatively sculpting, living, and celebrating the very essence of purpose in daily life at home, work, and within community; expanding sensual and sexual connection in committed relationships; and empowering young people to connect with peers through experiences that boost self-esteem, selfconfidence, and decision-making.

INTRODUCTION PAIRS PROGRAMS | PAIRS | INTRODUCTION PROGRAMS

PAIRS Programs PAIRS programs range from intensive half-day, one-day, weekend workshops and multi-week seminars, to the hallmark 120-hour, semester-long Mastery Course. Classes are facilitated by coaches, trainers, educators, counselors, health-care professionals, clergy, and others trained and accredited by Purpose Built Families Foundation. Rigorous, multi-level, professional certification training, ethical practices, and accreditation standards, ongoing research, refinement, and proprietary quality management systems have earned PAIRS programs their standard as an industry leader in relationship skills education.

Knowledge practical & skills for enhanced

communication, empathy, emotional

connection,

&love.

understanding,

PAIRS ESSENTIALS Nine to 18-hours of research-validated, experiential learning delivered in intensive weekend and extended multi-week formats. Introduces essential skills for improving communication, self-worth, empathy, emotional expression, and healthy conflict resolution on behalf of lasting breakthroughs in relationship satisfaction.

PAIRS PURPOSE For PAIRS Essentials graduates, a playful yet profound and intensive exploration to transform abstract ideas of vision, mission, passion and potential into a Road Map to purpose built relationships as a foundation of caring for ourselves and others.

PAIRS PASSION For PAIRS Essentials graduates, explore chemistry, compatibility and commitment. Discover a more focused and sensual style of connection, work creatively with differences, deepen intimacy, confiding and bonding, and learn to break-out of cycles of guilt and frustration that can sabotage pleasure.

PAIRS FOR PEERS Age-appropriate classes for youth to improve communication, confiding and emotional understanding, empathy, compassion, selfesteem, self-worth, constructive conflict resolution, healthy decision-making, and forgiveness as a foundation for healthy peer relationships, families and thriving classrooms.

CONGRATULATIONS You are going on a great adventure, the best kind of adventure, one that will bring you treasures to last a lifetime! In PAIRS for PEERS, you will find out exciting new things about who you are. You will also discover ways to build the best possible relationships with the people you like, and the people you love. Start by asking yourself these questions right now: •

Do I ever have problems talking with people?

•

Do I ever have problems getting people to talk with me?

•

Do I ever wind up fighting with people and walking away mad, even though I didn’t want it to happen?

•

Do I ever wish that I could take back something I said?

•

Do I ever regret that I did not say something?

•

Do I ever get talked into things I don’t want to do?

•

Do I ever say things I don’t really mean?

•

Do I ever have trouble understanding people?

•

Do I ever wonder why certain people seem to have trouble understanding me?

•

Do I ever have trouble understanding myself?

Chances are good that you answered “YES!” to a lot of these questions. So, what does that mean? It means you’re a human being, with many of the same problems that other human beings have! And it means that the skills you can learn from PEERS can make your life with others better, happier, and healthier. •

You will learn how to talk with others more clearly and easily.

•

You will learn how to help others talk more clearly and easily with you.

•

You will learn how to listen to others, so that you can understand them better.

•

You will learn how to help others listen to you, so that they can understand you better.

•

You will learn how to avoid fights with others, or control the fight so that neither of you walks away mad.

•

You will learn how to say what you want to say, when you want to say it, and how to help others do the same with you.

•

You will learn how to understand yourself better than you do now.

You will learn how to say what you want to say, when you want to say it, and how to help others do the same with you. You will learn how to understand yourself better than you do now. And the best part is, you will learn all of these valuable skills by teaching them to yourself! You are captain of your own PAIRS for PEERS adventure, so remember: The more you take charge of that adventure, the more it can help you take charge of your life! 13

“

Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” — Woodrow Wilson

SESSIONS OVERVIEW | INTRODUCTION

1. Understanding The Logic of Emotion • Two Sets of Skills • Relationship Road Map

2. Communication Stress Styles • Communication Stress Styles • The Leveler

3. Leveling • Daily Temperature Reading

4. The Art of Talking and Listening • Good Talking and Listening Skills • Mind Reading

5. Clear Communication and Talking Tips • Talking Tips • Shared Meaning • Strike Backs

6. The Emotional Jug and Anger • The Emotional Jug • Anger • Emptying the Emotional Jug

7. Conflict Resolution • The Fair Fight and Dirty Fighting • Fight Styles Profile and Fight Styles Result

8. Assumptions and Caring Behaviors • Assumptions • Caring Behaviors

9. Drawing Conclusions/Avoiding Misunderstanding • Assumptions • Drawing Conclusions • Clear Thinking vs. Stinkin’ Thinkin

10. Letting Go of Grudges • The Grudges Letter 15

PAIRS for PEERS

Session One 16

SESSION ONE Understanding The Logic of Emotion Topics & Tools •

Two Sets of Skills

•

Relationship Road Map

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Understand the two important areas of success in life

•

Understand the logic of love and emotion

Learning to connect with others through good understanding and communication helps us have a better chance of living happy, successful, fulfilling lives. 17

PAIRS for PEERS

Two sets of Skills

Relationship Road Map

Learning Points

Consider the types of skills that help you succeed at work versus those that help you succeed in relationships. Success at work is often about being competitive, ambitious, focused on the destination, and emotionally guarded. But many of the skills and attitudes for success in relationships are just the opposite, such as being cooperative, being ambitious for the relationship (as opposed to being personally ambitious) about the journey itself, and being emotionally open. We spend years of our lives learning to succeed at work, but where were we supposed to learn the knowledge and skills to succeed in relationships?

Our relationships with the people we love are an important foundation for happiness, health and success in life. When our relationships go well, life tends to work, allowing us to experience pleasure and happiness with goodwill, trust and respect for one another. But when our relationships breakdown, we can get stuck on the “PAIN” side of the Relationship Road Map, leaving us feeling mad, sad, scared, tired,depressed, closed, and guarded.

The two most important areas of success in life are: 1.

Learning what it takes to be successful in WORK – Whatever that work is – whether it’s schoolwork, homework, a paid or unpaid job or any other things you need to learn. You need to learn to apply yourself, to work hard, to be punctual, to be exact, to learn a lot of information, to compete,to cooperate, to measure up and to move ahead.

The other area has to do with RELATIONSHIPS with friends, family, people you care about and want to be cared about by. For successful relationships you need to learn to show caring, appreciation, be honest and trustworthy, confide, talk so you can be understood, listen to understand others, deal with hurt feelings, anger and resentment in ways that build and don’t destroy, understand each other and your differences, have empathy for each other, and to avoid misunderstandings.

That is what PEERS is about! 18

PAIRS for PEERS is about learning to connect through good understanding and communication so that we can create and sustain healthy, loving relationships that give us the best chance of living happy, successful, fulfilling lives.

Your Notes & Reflections

PAIRS for PEERS

The Logic of Love and Emotion Connecting as a Biological Need We all want good relationships with the important people in our lives: our parents, our friends, our boyfriend or girlfriend, our teachers. But what makes a relationship good? Too many people don’t stop and think about this. Instead, they just go along and hope for the best. And what usually happens? Time after time, they get ignored or treated poorly by other people, or they themselves ignore or treat other people badly. Either way, they have one bummer relationship after another. Sooner or later, if this keeps up, they run out of relationships altogether! Does liking someone or loving someone make a relationship good? Not exactly. “Liking” and “loving” are just feelings. All by themselves they do not make a relationship good. In fact, you can only really enjoy liking or loving someone after you’ve set up a good relationship with them. What makes a relationship good is attending to it. This special kind of attention can be called connecting or bonding, because you’re doing something to create closer and better connections — or “bonds” — with the other person. Biologically-based needs include: air, food, water, shelter, and connection. When these needs are unmet, life is often experienced on the pain side of the Road Map, including feelings of dis-ease (which can turn to disease), distress, distrust, unhappiness, pain, danger (the anticipation of pain), fear, and anger. Connecting (the unique combination of emotional openness and physical closeness with another person), is the only biologically-based need that we can’t meet by ourselves. We need another person. Meeting each other’s needs for connection is an important aspect of the work of a relationship. When our needs are met, we are more likely to experience life on the pleasure side of the Road Map, including feelings of ease, eustress (healthy stress, also known as the runner’s high), trust, happiness, pleasure, desire, and love. 20

Signs of happiness include: health, energy, flexibility, creativity, sharing, personal responsibility, and capacity for intimacy. Symptoms of unhappiness include: illness, fatigue, depression, rigidity, constriction, isolation, closed, guarded, wary, anti-social behaviors, and the range of addictions. PAIRS for PEERS is about skills to live life on the pleasure side. Think about how often you are on the “PAIN” side of the Relationship Road Map versus the “PLEASURE” side. Consider what it would mean for your life — at home, school, work, and in your community — if you had the tools to really care for the relationships that are most important to you. When you connect with someone, you really aim for two things: •

GOOD UNDERSTANDING of yourself and the other person.

•

GOOD COMMUNICATION between yourself and the other person.

When we don’t deliberately create good relationships, we keep missing the pleasure a good relationship can provide. We get our feelings hurt by other people, or we hurt their feelings. Our lives can become filled with sadness, fear, and anger, and we can’t figure out how to get to happy, loving feelings and caring relationships. When we do pay attention to connecting, we can apply our whole mind to think and understand more about what we want, and what the other person wants. As a result, our other relationships get better and better, and we have pleasure, respect, trust, and love.

PAIN

PLEASURE

Anger

Happiness

Sadness

Serenity

Fear

Love

Future

Hurt

Joy

DIS-EASE, DISTRESS,

EASE, EUSTRESS,

DISTRUST

TRUST

UNHAPPINESS

HAPPINESS

PAIN

PLEASURE

DANGER

DESIRE

FEAR/ANGER

LOVE

Air – Food – Water – Shelter

PAIN DANGER FEAR/ANGER

PLEASURE DESIRE LOVE

BONDING

I am not entitled. I am not loveable. I am not good enough. I must hide/pretend.

Combination of Emotional Openness and Physical Closeness

I exist/need. I am entitled. I am loveable. I am good enough.

SYMPTOMS OF UNHAPPINESS

SIGNS OF HAPPINESS

ILLNESS, FATIGUE,

HEALTH, ENERGY,

DEPRESSION, RIGIDITY

WELL-BEING, FLEXIBILITY,

OF PERSONALITY,

CREATIVITY, OPENNESS,

CONSTRICTION,

SHARING, PERSONAL

ISOLATION, CLOSEDNESS,

RESPONSIBILITY,

GUARDEDNESS,

CAPACITY FOR INTIMACY,

ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOR,

RESPECT FOR SELF

RANGE OF ADDICTIONS 21

PEERS PRACTICE I RELATIONSHIP ROAD MAP Think about an important relationship in your life. Then, look at the Relationship Road Map and answer the four questions below. If you want, you can use part of the space below each question to write your answers. After you finish, you may want to think about another important relationship in your life and answer the same questions. It helps to ask these questions from time to time with any important relationship you have. 1. How much of the time am I on the right side of the Road Map?

2. When I’m on the right side of the Road Map, which feeling is strongest: sadness, fear, or anger? Why?

3. How much of the time am I on the left side of the Road Map?

4. What feeling on the left side of the Road Map do I most want to have? Why?

22 22

SESSION ONE - HIGHLIGHTS

1. List three skills that you will need to be successful in relationships with friends.

2. List three skills that you will need to be successful in your work?

3. Explain what it means to connect or bond with someone.

4. What feelings often result from being in a relationship when you do not feel connected?

5. Think of a person you have bonded with and how it feels to communicate with them about something really important. Now think of a person you are not connected with and remember a time when you tried to communicate your thoughts or ideas to them. Make a list of the different feelings you had. Person I am bonded with...

Person I am NOT bonded with...

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Two 24

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION TWO Communication Stress Styles Topics & Tools •

The Four Communication Stress Styles

•

The Leveler

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Become aware of how most of us react when others upset us

•

Practice a positive communication style

PAIRS for PEERS

Communication Stress Styles Learning Points

1. Placater

The Four Communication Stress Styles:

What stands out for you about this style of communication? Can you think of times when you’ve been a “PLACATER” or when others have been “PLACATERS” with you? How did it feel inside to be using this style of communication? How did it feel when you saw others using this style of communication with you?

• • • •

Placater (“People Pleaser”) Blamer Computer Distractor

Communication Stress Styles: Each of us tends to react -- or overreact--in one of four negative ways whenever we feel upset with someone else. We turn into a PLACATER, BLAMER, COMPUTER, or a DISTRACTOR. To communicate well, we need to be aware of these negative communication styles so that we can control them, instead of letting them control us! Look at each of the four communication styles described on the following pages, and think about how often you react that way when others upset you. Then, do the RATING afterwards.

Eager to Please * Apologizing Says: • • •

“Please don’t be mad...” “It’s all my fault...” “Yes, anything you say...”

Feels Inside: • • •

I’m nothing by myself. I don’t want to be rejected. I have to keep the other person happy.

Believes: • •

I’ll blame myself before you can blame me. Perhaps you’ll feel sorry for me or guilty about yourself.

2. Blamer What stands out for you about this style of communication? Can you think of times when you’ve been a “BLAMER” or when others have been “BLAMERS” with you? How did it feel inside to be using this style of communication? How did it feel when you saw others using this style of communication with you? Criticizing * Accusing * Finding Fault Says: • • •

“You never anything do right...” “It’s all your fault!” “You’re so stupid (bad, crazy...)”

SESSION TWO Feels Inside:

Talkative * Spacey * Subject-Changing

• •

Says:

I’m all alone. Nobody really likes me.

Believes: • •

Demolish the other one before he or she can demolish you. The best defense is a good offense.

3. Computer What stands out for you about this style of communication? Can you think of times when you’ve been a “COMPUTER” or when others have been “COMPUTERS” with you? How did it feel inside to be using this style of communication? How did it feel when you saw others using this style of communication with you?

• •

“Problem? What problem? Let’s go to the movies!” ”Whatever... Hey, did you hear about...”

Feels Inside: •

I’m scared of what may happen. I don’t know what to do.

Believes: • •

If I ignore the problem, it will go away or get better. If I make things fun for you, maybe you’ll forget about the problem.

Rigid * Insensitive * Overly-Technical Says: • • •

“Let’s just look at the facts.” “No point getting emotional about it.” “Let’s be reasonable...”

Feels Inside: •

I’m afraid of feelings, yours or mine.

Believes: • • • •

You can’t get me if I don’t let you bother me. Showing feelings is a weakness. I’ll use big words and a cool manner to impress you. I’ll hide behind the facts.

4. Distractor What stands out for you about this style of communication? Can you think of times when you’ve been a “DISTRACTOR” or when others have been “DISTRACTORS” with you? How did it feel inside to be using this style of communication? How did it feel when you saw others using this style of communication with you?

1 Placater

2 Blamer (Controlling, Abusive, Violent, Anger, Fight)

(Runs in fear, Appeaser)

Context

Self

Other

Cancels out SELF

Cancels out OTHER

3 Computer

4 Distracter (Irrelevant)

(Freezes, Super Reasonable)

Context

Self Self

Self

Other

Cancels out SELF and OTHER

Cancels out SELF, OTHER & CONTEXT

PEERS PRACTICE II COMMUNICATION STRESS STYLES

After thinking about these four negative communication styles, on the next page rate how much you tend to use each style when you are upset with other people. In the blanks below, put “1”next to the style that you use most often. Then, rank the other styles in order of use down to “4,” the style that you use least often.

PLACATER

BLAMER

COMPUTER

Context 3

DISTRACTOR

Self

Other

#1 (HIGHEST RATING)

#2 (NEXT-HIGHEST RATING)

1. When was the last time I used this style?

4. When was the last time I used this style?

2. What kinds of things did I say?

5. What kinds of things did I say?

3. How did the other person react?

6. How did the other person react?

PAIRS for PEERS

Style The Leveler Leveling Promotes Effective There is a fifth positive communication style that we can decide to follow, instead of falling into one of the four negative styles!

The positive communication style is called a LEVELER, because it means that you level with the other person instead of playing a game. Levelers stay “on the level” by beginning with the word “I” (like “I feel...” or “I think...” or “I don’t like it when...”) instead of jumping on the other person by beginning with the word “you” (like “You always...” or “You never...” or “You need to...”). Responsible * Understanding * Helpful Says: • • • •

“This is how I feel...” “This is what I think...” “This is what bothers me...” “This is what I’m asking of you...”

Feels Inside: • • •

I accept myself. I respect the other person’s rights. I want the best for both of us.

Believes: • •

• •

I can talk about how things are for me without blaming the other person. I can like other people, and want them to like me, without feeling I have to please them all the time. I can say what I think and what I feel without hiding behind a mask. I can face and discuss things that bother me instead of avoiding them.

Communication

The Leveler combines positive aspects of the stress styles. What’s positive about the Placater style is empathy, as long as it’s sincere and doesn’t lead to acting one way when you’re really feeling something else. The Blamer’s positive aspect is speaking on your own behalf, but with empathy and concern for the other person. The Computer’s positive trait is the ability to use knowledge and resources to find solutions, so long as you don’t cancel out your own feelings in yourself or the other person. The Distracter style can bring fun and pleasure into the relationship, as long as you return to address the issues later and don’t develop a habit of avoiding opportunities for growth.

PEERS PRACTICE II COMMUNICATION STRESS STYLES (cont.)

1. List the four styles of communication people use when they are under stress.

2. Identify the style people in your family use most often when stressed. Mother

Father

Step - Mother

Step - Father

Grandmother

Grandfather

Sisters or Brothers: (Can include step-siblings)

3. What style do your best friends use? (List their name and style).

4. Describe what the Leveler feels and believes. Give an example of how a Leveler would make a statement under stress.

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Three 32

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION THREE Leveling Topics & Tools •

The Daily Temperature Reading

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Become aware of the importance of caring for your most important relationships on a daily basis

33 33

PAIRS for PEERS

Daily Temperature Reading The Daily Temperature Reading, also known as the “DTR”, is a tool for watering the garden of your most important relationships. With practice, the DTR becomes a habit, making it natural to look for — and express — appreciations to one another, keep each other up-to-date on the developments in our lives, ask questions about anything we’re wondering about so we don’t have to assume, express concerns directly along with specific recommendations for change, and talk about our individual and shared goals for the future. Many graduates have said using the DTR on a regular basis was the most important tool for intentionally creating and sustaining thriving relationships.

No matter how much two people like each other, or how much they have in common, they can still have trouble getting along together. When they do, it’s almost always because of a breakdown in communication. They start hiding their true thoughts and emotions from each other. They remain silent about the things they like or don’t like, and they have worries about themselves or each other. They stop sharing information with each other about the things that are going on in their lives. They stop telling each other what they are thinking, what they have questions about, or the dreams they have for the future. Before long, they don’t truly understand each other, and they drift further and further apart. The way that two people can create a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship is to talk with each other, openly and honestly, day after day. The Daily Temperature Reading helps you to carry on this kind of discussion. Once you start doing it, the other person can follow along!

SESSION THREE Think of the Daily Temperature Reading as a conversation that takes five steps, in order, to help two people catch up with each other in the best possible way. At first, you may feel a little clumsy taking these steps. Like learning a new dance, getting comfortable with doing a Daily Temperature Reading takes time. But once you’ve got it down, you’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel. Here’s how it works--two people, meeting again after being apart for a while, take turns following each of these five steps. Here’s how it works--two people, meeting again after being apart for a while, take turns following each of these five steps outlined on the next pages.

Step 1: Appreciations Tell the other person something that you like, or appreciate, about him or her, for example, “You’re someone I can trust,” “I always have fun when I’m with you,” or “Thanks for helping me get my work done yesterday.” Also, accept anything nice the other person says about you. Instead of denying it by saying “No,” or “It’s nothing,” or “You’re kidding,” say, “Thanks!” or “You’re welcome!”

information. You may say, for example, “I wondered what you meant when you told Bob that the new teacher was too much for you?” or “I was wondering why you didn’t show up at the party.” Also, you can bring up things that you’re trying to figure out for yourself, or a problem you’re having at home, at school, or with a friend. The other person could have some good suggestions (after the DTR).

Step 4: Complaints with Request for Change If something the other person did is bothering you, say what it is and, at the same time, suggest something better that he or she can do instead. A complaint is much easier to take when you also offer a solution! Use “I”-talk instead of “you”-talk, and be specific. Don’t attack the other person right away with something vague like saying, for example, “You were a jerk, running out on me like that!” Instead, say how you felt about a particular situation, and what you think would help: “I noticed that you left me alone with Mark. I would prefer it if you stuck around the next time we’re all together.” Be sure to identify the specific behavior that bothers you.

Step 2: New Information

Wishes, Hopes & Dreams

Tell the other person what’s happened since the last time you met. You don’t have to cover everything, but you need to talk about things that are important or interesting to you, so the other person knows what’s going on inside you or in your life. For example, you might say something like, “I won an award this week,” “I’ve been reading this interesting book,” “I didn’t make the team,” or “My mom’s sick and I’ve been taking care of her.” Also, be sure to mention things that have some connection with the other person, like “I saw your friend Pat downtown” or “I’ve got that new CD you said you liked.”

What we hope for in the future is an important part of our life, and the other person may be able to help make it happen! But how can the other person help if he or she doesn’t even know what it is? The last step in the Daily Temperature Reading is to share this kind of information. Talk about something in the near or far future that you would like for yourself or for the other person, for example, “I’m looking forward to our trip next weekend,” “I hope you can show me how to use that computer program,” or “I think it would be great if we could someday work on that project together.”

Step 3: Puzzles Talk about the things that you don’t understand. Some may be things that the other person said (or did not say) or did (or did not do). You’re not making any complaints yet. Save that for later! Right now, you’re only trying to get more

DTR EXERCISE TO PRACTICE WITH YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY Try out the Daily Temperature Reading with a friend or with someone in your family. Let the other person read the five-step description first. After you both have finished, complete all steps:

STEP 1

APPRECIATIONS

A) Was it difficult to express your appreciation? If so, why?

B) How did the other person react to what you said?

C) How did you react to what the other person said?

STEP 2

NEW INFORMATION

A) Was it difficult to express this information? If so, why?

B) How did you like hearing new information from the other person?

36 36

DTR EXERCISE TO PRACTICE WITH YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY (Cont.) STEP 3

PUZZLES

A) Was it difficult to express what puzzled you? If so, why?

B) What did you learn by expressing what puzzled you?

C) What did you learn by expressing what puzzled you?

STEP 4

CONCERNS WITH RECOMMENDATIONS

A) Was it difficult to make concerns and recommendations for change? If so, why?

B) How did the other person react?

C) Is there any way you could have done this better?

A) What was it like being on the receiving end of concerns and recommendation for change?

STEP 5

DTR EXERCISE TO PRACTICE WITH YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY WISHES, HOPES AND DREAMS

A) Was it difficult to express your wishes, hopes, and dreams? If so, why?

B) Is there anything else you might have said, but did not?

C) What was it like hearing the other person’s wishes, hopes, and dreams?

DTR EXERCISE TO PRACTICE WITH YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY

1. The Daily Temperature Reading is a tool to help you improve

It has five steps that can help you stay close to the people who are important to you. 2. List the five steps and say something about why each one will help you nurture your relationships. Step 1 How does it help?

Step 2 How does it help?

Step 3 How does it help?

Step 4 How does it help?

Step 5 How does it help?

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Four 40

SESSION FOUR The Art of Talking and Listening Topics & Tools •

Good Talking and Good Listening Skills

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Mind Reading

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Strengthen your relationships through meaningful communication

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Find out more about your own talking and listening skills

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Understand the consequences of making assumptions

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PAIRS for PEERS

Good Talking | Good Listening What is Good Communication? Good communication is part good talking (when you are sending a message) and part good listening (when you are receiving a message). Let’s discuss good talking first. Good talking has five basic qualities. You’ll see that we have listed those qualities under the Learning Points and we have explained them here.

Good Talking Skills GOOD TALKING IS DIRECT To send a message that other people can be sure to “catch”, you need to say what you mean. Don’t “talk around” the subject. Don’t just drop hints or make other people guess. Get to the point! GOOD TALKING IS CLEAR Make certain that people can understand what you’re saying and don’t just have a “snowy picture” of it. You need to describe things well. You need to make sure that you aren’t confusing your listener! GOOD TALKING IS SPECIFIC Sending a message well means giving your listener all the necessary information. Don’t be vague or general when you talk. Include details that can help the other person know exactly what you’re talking about.

Good Listening Skills Now that we know the qualities of good talking, what are the qualities of good listening — the other part of good communication? Like good talking, good listening has five basic qualities. GOOD LISTENING IS ACTIVE Good listening is more than just waiting until you can talk or until the other person stops talking or truly says something that interests you. Good listening is doing your best to hear, understand, and help the person who is talking to fully express what they want you to know. GOOD LISTENING IS ATTENTIVE To listen well, you need to concentrate on what the other person is saying. Make sure you get the full message that they are sending. Don’t try to guess what they mean. Don’t try to do something else at the same time — like planning what you want to say next — you will probably miss something important! GOOD LISTENING IS OPEN Good listening means giving the other person the freedom to speak and giving you the freedom to learn something. To do this, you need an open mind — one that doesn’t refuse to hear certain things. After the speaker finishes, you can decide whether you agree or you don’t agree with what was said. But while the speaker is talking, you need to agree to fully listen. GOOD LISTENING IS RESPECTFUL

GOOD TALKING IS HONEST For your message to do the most good, it needs to be honest. Don’t say something you really don’t think or feel, or that doesn’t match the facts. GOOD TALKING IS TACTFUL Being tactful means being kind. You have to think about others’ feelings and rights before you speak. You do want to be direct, clear, specific, and honest with them, but you don’t want to say things - accidentally or on purpose - that will hurt them unnecessarily. Words can hurt. 42

Good listeners never interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence. They only start speaking after the other person finishes a sentence and pauses. This way, they make certain that they hear everything the other person wants to say and that they don’t make the other person feel worthless or angry. GOOD LISTENING IS CAREFUL To be a good listener, you need to ask the speaker right away about anything that you didn’t hear well, that isn’t clear, or that you didn’t quite understand.

PEERS PRACTICE TALKING TIPS

To find out more about your talking habits, think about the conversations you have with people, and ask yourself these questions (if the question is true, put a check in the blank space for “yes”):

1. Have I sometimes been told to “get to the point”?

2. Does the other person sometimes reply, “I don’t understand”?

3. Am I sometimes asked to be more specific? 4. Do I sometimes lie about what I think, feel, or know to win an argument, or to impress people?

5. Do I sometimes say things just to hurt people? 6. Do you sometimes just wait for the other person to stop talking, without really listening? 7. Do you sometimes think about what you’re going to say next while the other person is still talking? 8. Do you sometimes say to yourself, “I’m not going to listen to this!” while the other person is talking?

9. Do you sometimes interrupt the other person? 10. Do you sometimes fail to ask the other person to repeat or explain something when you haven’t really heard or understood it?

GOOD COMMUNICATION “What good is good communication?”

Good communication helps us to do all these things: Build better and closer relationships. Share what we know, think, and feel with others. Learn from others what they know, think, and feel. Express our problems, disagreements, and complaints to other people in a way that will do us -- and them -- the most good. Avoid misunderstanding. Respond well to other people’s problems, disagreements, and complaints without hurting -- or getting hurt. Show ourselves in our best light, and bring out the best light in others.

Can you think of other good things that good communication can do?

Can you remember times in your life when good things happened because of good communication?

BAD COMMUNICATION

When we communicate badly, by not following the five points of good talking and the five points of good listening, we cause trouble for ourselves, other people, and our relationships:

Here are only a few of the ways we can cause trouble for ourselves, other people and our relationships:

• When we refuse to share with others what we know, think, and feel, we end up lonely, unwanted, or misunderstood. Has this ever happened to you?

• When we don’t use good listening skills to help other people share with us what they know, think and feel, we remain ignorant, confused and separated from them. Has this ever happened to you?

• When we fight with other people (no matter who started the fight!) and fail to do all that we can to talk and listen well, we’re just heading toward disaster. Has this ever happened to you?

• When we don’t do the best that we can to talk and listen with other people, we make ourselves look bad and we bring out the worst in others. Has this ever happened to you?

• Can you think of any other bad things that have happened in your life because of bad communication?

PAIRS for PEERS

Mind Reading Many problems, fights, and even break-ups happen in our relationships because we assume things that aren’t really true. Or else, the other person assumes things that aren’t really true. One way or another, there’s no real communication, only two people imagining things. If any of these kinds of assumptions sound familiar to you (“X” = some other person in your life) than you were probably mind reading! •

“X doesn’t really like me.”

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“X probably thinks I’m stupid.”

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“X would have had a better time with someone else.”

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“X feels it’s okay to change plans without asking me.” “X secretly enjoys being teased.”

Another big danger in a relationship is having hidden expectations about the other person — things that we expect the other person to do, think, or feel, even though we haven’t actually talked about these things or made them clear. Or maybe the other person has hidden expectations about us! Either way, once gain, there’s no real communication, only two people imagining things. Do any of these kinds of hidden expectations sound familiar to you? •

“If X really liked me, he or she would do certain things without my having to ask.”

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“X should know how I feel about things being done behind my back.”

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“Whenever I’m sad, X should try to cheer me up.”

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“I wish X would leave me alone when I’m sick.”

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“If I have a strong opinion about something, X should have the same opinion.”

The Mind Reading Game How can we keep from making the wrong assumptions about people, and keep other people 46

from making the wrong assumptions about us? How can we keep from having expectations about other people that are not met, or that can’t be met, or that aren’t even fair expectations to have in the first place? The solution is to play the MIND READING GAME! It is the best way to check out whether your assumptions are actually true, or whether your expectations are understood, realistic, and fair. The steps to this game are listed below. Here’s how it works: 1) Sit facing the other person (your partner in the game). 2) Ask your partner, “Do I have permission to read your mind?” 3) When you’re given permission, say, “I think that you think... [Say assumption]...” or “I expect that you...” [Say expectation]. 4) Your partner then says whether you are correct in your assumption, or whether your expectation is okay, and provides any necessary information or explanation. 5) The two of you switch roles (your partner talks about one of his or her assumptions or expectations) and repeat the exercise. More Practice… Pick someone to play the Mind Reading Game with you — maybe one of the “special persons” you chose on pages 10 and 11, in order to learn more about your assumptions or expectations. Before you practice, give your partner time to study the pages in this section of your workbook, “Mind Reading,”that describe assumptions, expectations, and the Mind Reading game. If you want, you can make copies of those pages, so that your partner has them to keep. More Practice… •

Follow the steps in the Mind Reading game together.

•

Afterwards, talk about how it felt to play the game.

HIDDEN EXPECTATIONS WORKSHEET

Choose one special person in your life — a parent, a good friend, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. Then, answer these questions:

What are three hidden expectations that I have about this person — things I haven’t actually discussed with him or her? #1: #2: #3:

Thinking of each hidden expectation separately, have I ever been disappointed because he or she did not meet this expectation? If so, how? If not, how would I feel if he or she did not meet this expectation sometime in the future? #1: #2: #3:

Thinking of each hidden expectation separately, why haven’t I actually discussed it with him or her or what would stop me from discussing it? #1: #2: #3:

THE ART OF TALKING AND LISTENING: MIND READING 1. Talking and listening are two parts of

2. To be a good communicator, you have to understand the five basic qualities of talking and listening. Name them. Good Talking Qualities:

Good Listening Qualities:

3. Write about the way people in your family communicate when they are not under stress. Do they have the skills you listed?

3. How does mind reading influence our relationships?

4. Did you realize before this class that you used mind reading when you communicate with others? Yes No Sometimes

Your Notes & Reflections

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Five 50

SESSION FIVE Talking Tips and Shared Meaning Topics & Tools •

Talking Tips

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Shared Meaning

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Strike-Backs

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Learn a ten-step process that will help you let others know what is bothering you in a constructive way

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Encourage others to use the ten-step process with you

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Understand the importance of “I-statements” rather than “you-statements”

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PAIRS for PEERS

Talking Tips The Talking Tips Method The Talking Tips method is a simple, ten-step process for talking that is important for the following reasons: •

It helps you know what to say and how to say it, so that you don’t have to suffer in silence.

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It helps you to express what’s bothering you without making the other person feel bad or angry.

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It helps you to be clear and specific, so that the other person understands the problem better.

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It helps you realize more about why you are angry, hurt, or frustrated, so that you can get over these feelings and keep them from happening again.

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It helps the other person to know you better and respect you more, which means that the other person will be more interested in helping you.

Before using the Talking Tips process with the person you are upset with, make sure you do the following things first: •

Pick the right time to talk. A time when you and the other person have at least a half-hour free to do nothing else but talk and listen to each other.

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Pick the right place to talk, somewhere you can have privacy, quiet, and comfort.

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Tell the other person that you have something you want to talk about. If you want, you can say you want to use a special guide for talking that you think would help.

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Ask the other person if they would be willing to listen to you talk about something — to hear you out — without interrupting. This is very important.

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Tell the other person you’ll do the same thing in return after you’ve finished talking.

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If the other person agrees to do this, say that you will let him or her know when you have completed what you wanted to say.

Learning Points •

Each step begins with a different “I” phrase that focuses on just one part of the problem.

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You start with the first phrase, “I notice...” Using that phrase, you complete the sentence to fit your situation.

When do we have our most difficult times being with the people who are important to us? When we’re upset with them! Something they said, or did not say, hurts us. Something they did, or did not do, angers us. Suddenly, we’re lost. We don’t know what’s going on with them, or where we stand, or what to say, or how to say it.

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“I notice...” Must be about a behavior that you have noticed, not a feeling or a thought that you assume is there.

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If you feel it would make things more clear, add another sentence or two about what you “notice” before moving on to the next phrase (“I assume...”).

So what finally happens? If we’re not careful (and it’s not easy to be careful when we’re so upset), we do something to strike back, something that makes a bad situation even worse. We’ve all been there, and it’s no fun!

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Move on to the next phrase (“I assume this means...), Say what you think their behavior means.

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When you’re finished, go on through each phrase in order, without skipping a phrase, until you have finished the last one (“I hope...).

When, Where and How to Use Talking Tips

Shortly you will learn the specifics of the 10-Step Talking Tips Method. 52

SESSION FIVE

The 10-Steps Talking Tips Process: Below and continued on the next page are the ten steps of “Talking Tips.” To give you an example of how they work in an actual situation, let’s pretend that you don’t like the way your mother complains about your phone calls (a fairly simple problem). 1. I NOTICE... (Say the specific behavior that is bothering you). Example: I notice that whenever I make phone calls, your face looks as if you are angry with me. 2. I ASSUME THIS MEANS... (Say what you assume is the reason for this behavior). Example: “I assume this means that you don’t want me to spend time talking to my friends on the phone.” 3. I THINK... (Say your reason — your logic — for doing what you do, or wanting what you want). Example: “I think it’s important for me to be able to talk with my friends.” 4. I AM FRUSTRATED BY... (Say what frustrates you about the other person’s behavior). Example: “I am frustrated by getting distracted during my phone calls because of the looks you are giving me when I’m on the phone.” 5. I RESENT... (Say what makes you upset about the other person’s behavior). Example: “I resent the feeling that you are hanging over me when I am talking on the phone.” 6. I AM HURT BY... (Say how this behavior makes you feel hurt). Example: “I am hurt by feeling like you disapprove of my phone calls. I think I should have the right to do this without your interference. It’s not doing anything against you. School takes up so much of my time that I don’t have other ways of keeping in touch with my friends.” 7. I WORRY ABOUT... (Say something specific about what you worry about connected to this behavior.) Example: “I worry about not being able to stay in touch with my friends on the phone and either losing my friendships or feeling like I have to hide from you when I’m on the phone.”

8. I WANT... (Say specifically what you are asking for that could make the situation better.) Example: “I want you not making faces or do other things to make me feel bad about the time I spend on the phone staying in touch with my friends.” 9. I APPRECIATE YOU FOR... (Say something that shows you that even though you have a complaint about this behavior, there are many other things that you do appreciate about the other person.) Example: “I appreciate you for all the nice things you do for me and that you are always looking for ways to help me succeed and be happy.” 10. I REALIZE... (Say something that shows you can understand why they may be behaving the way they are.) Example: “I realize that it is hard for you to have me on the phone, and that maybe you want to use the phone to make calls when I’m already using it, or that maybe you want to spend time talking with me yourself.”

Talking Tips - Plan A great feature of the Talking Tips is that you can, if you want, plan ahead of time what you would like to say. Choose something that’s bothering you right now about the behavior of someone who is important to you. It doesn’t have to be a major problem. In fact, a simple problem may be better for practice. Then, complete the following statements, as if you were actually talking to that person. 1. I NOTICE... (Behavior)... 2. I ASSUME THIS MEANS... 3. I THINK... 4. I AM FRUSTRATED BY... 5. I RESENT... 7. I WORRY ABOUT... 8. I WANT... 9. I APPRECIATE YOU FOR... 10. I REALIZE...

PAIRS for PEERS

10-Steps Process I notice… (specific behavior) I hope...

10 I realize...

I appreciate for you...

4 7

I want… (specific request)

I assume this means…

6 I worry about… (Or, “What this reminds me of from my past is…”)

5 I am hurt by...

I think...

I am frustrated by...

SESSION FIVE

Learning Points •

What steps were the easiest for me to do?

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What steps were the most difficult?

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Thinking about the near future, when and where could I actually use these Talking Tips sentences with the person involved?

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Thinking about other chances for using Talking Tips, who are some other people whose behavior bothers me, and what, specifically, is that behavior?

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Who are some other people who are often bothered by me — people I could teach to use Talking Tips, so that things would go better for both of us when they’re upset with me?

Sharing how to use Talking Tips with Someone else... One of the best things you can do to keep a good relationship with someone, or make a good one even better, is to help that person learn to use Talking Tips. When both of you know how to use it, you can both avoid a great deal of unnecessary hurt, anger, misunderstanding — no matter who’s on the talking end or the listening end. Here are some pointers for sharing Talking Tips with someone else: •

Give the other person time to learn the Talking Tips process. Share these workbook pages with them.

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The first couple of times that you practice Talking Tips together, it’s a good idea for the talker to choose a small problem rather than a big one.

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Pick a good time (at least a half hour when you won’t be interrupted) and a good place (somewhere private, quiet, and comfortable). Sit close together and face each other. Keep a sheet of paper close at hand that lists the Talking Tips phrases, in case you forget.

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Beginning with “I NOTICE...,” The speaker should talk in a normal voice. The goal of the speaker is to communicate information so that the other person can understand it, not to attack the other person or make the other person feel bad.

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While the talker is speaking, the listener should pay full attention. The goal of the listener is to understand fully what the speaker is saying, not to deny, accuse, fight back, or give advice. The listener’s chance to respond fully comes later, after he or she has fully heard the speaker.

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There are two times when the listener is allowed to interrupt the speaker: When the listener has not clearly heard what the speaker just said, or when the listener is confused about — or can’t remember — what the speaker has just said.

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The listener needs to stop the speaker after hearing as much as she or he can remember at that moment to repeat or accurately mirror back what the listener has heard. The speaker expresses appreciation (thank you) for being heard accurately each step of the way!

I - Talk “YOU”-statements: •

“YOU think you can do whatever you want.”

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“YOU keep picking on me. “

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“YOU make me furious when you...”

“I”-statements: •

“I think that you believe you can do whatever you want.”

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“I feel as if you are picking on me.”

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“I get angry when you...

Stupid Strike-Backs Think about different times in the past when you’ve been upset with someone who is important in your life, have you ever done any of the following things?

STUPID STRIKE-BACK #1: NOT SAYING ANYTHING STUPID STRIKE-BACK#2: BLOWING UP STUPID STRIKE-BACK#3: NOT BEING DIRECT 55

PAIRS for PEERS

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN “YOU” TALK AND “I” TALK

“YOU” TALK (-)

“I” TALK (+)

You don’t care about me. You’re just using me.

I feel as if you don’t care about me. Sometimes I think you’re just using me.

Can’t you at least try to act better?

I would appreciate it if you tried to behave better towards me by talking to me without yelling.

You forgot to pick me up after the game.

I am upset because you forgot to pick me up after the game.

You’re lying!

I find it hard to believe you.

What are you going to do about it?

It would help if I knew what you plan to do about it.

You shouldn’t have done that.

I don’t think you should have done that.

You get on my nerves.

I get really upset with you.

You keep refusing to talk about this.

I’ve noticed that you don’t want to talk about this.

You let me down when...

I was disappointed when you...

You’re wrong.

I think differently about that...

STUPID STRIKE-BACKS

Think about different times in the past when you’ve been upset with someone who is important in your life, and ask yourself the following questions.

STUPID STRIKE-BACK #1: NOT SAYING ANYTHING 1. When was the last time I felt bad, or made a bad situation even worse, because I didn’t talk about what was bothering me?

2. What, specifically, was bothering me?

3. Why didn’t I talk about it?

STUPID STRIKE-BACK #2: BLOWING UP 1. When was the last time I felt bad, or made a bad situation even worse, because I blew up at the other person?

2. What, specifically, was bothering me?

3. How did the other person respond?

STUPID STRIKE-BACK #3: NOT BEING DIRECT 1. When was the last time I felt bad, or made a bad situation even worse, because I didn’t make myself clear?

2. What, specifically, was bothering me?

3. Why didn’t I speak more directly and specifically about it?

TALKING TIPS WORKSHEET Use this worksheet for any of these purposes; To plan how you’re going to use Talking Tips with someone. To remind yourself (or someone else you tell about Talking Tips) what the ten Talking Tips phrases are. To write about what you said — and how it went — after you actually use Talking Tips with someone.

I notice…

I assume this means...

I think...

I am frustrated by...

I am hurt by...

I worry about… (Or, “What this reminds me of from my past is…”)

I want… (specific request)

I appreciate you for...

I realize…

I hope…

TALKING TIPS AND SHARED MEANING

1. When we are upset with someone we care about, it’s easy to say something stupid to strike back at them. What are the three kinds of stupid strikebacks you learned about in this chapter?

2. Talking Tips is a process to help people talk about what’s bothering them. List three things this method helps you do. 1. 2. 3.

3. When using Talking Tips, there are only two reasons why the listener is allowed to interrupt the person talking. Describe them.

4. After the speaker has completed the ten statements in Talking Tips, what does the listener do?

5. How does the speaker show appreciation for being listened to?

6. What does it mean to use an “I” statement?

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Six 60

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION SIX The Emotional Jug and Anger Topics & Tools •

Emotional Jug

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Anger

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Emptying the Emotional Jug

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Use a visual to better understand your emotions and feelings

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Understand that anger is not always bad

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Become aware of tools that you can use constructively to communicate anger

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PAIRS for PEERS

Emotional Jug Learning Points •

The Emotional Jug is visual tool to help you better understand your emotions and feelings.

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If you poured all your inner feelings into an

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Emotional Jug like the one illustrated on this page, they would settle into different layers.

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Communicating all our feelings and emotions, both positive and negative, is what building a relationship is all about!

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If you poured all your inner feelings into an Emotional Jug, they would settle into different layers.

At the very top of the Emotional Jug is the Lid of Indifference. When we are indifferent, it means that we don’t care — or that we pretend not to care. We all often try to keep our true feelings bottled up, so that others can’t see them. This means that we don’t smile or frown. We just try to look cool and calm. But it doesn’t always work! Sometimes, we get upset and the Lid of Indifference blasts off, this is what’s called “blowing your top” or “popping your cork”! Inside the Emotional Jug, the top layers are formed by the hardest feelings to handle — ANGER, FEAR, SADNESS, and PAIN. These are the first feelings that show when you get upset, or when the Lid of Indifference blasts off. Somehow, you have to go through these feelings before you can get to the gentler, more positive feelings below them. The feelings that lie at the bottom of the Emotional Jug are RELIEF, PLEASURE, TRUST, and LOVE. Only when you have gone through Anger, Fear, and Pain, releasing them from your Emotional Jug, is there enough room in the jug to allow yourself to feel Relief, Pleasure, Trust, and Love.

Ignoring Anger, Fear, Sadness and Pain doesn’t make them go away. Sooner or later, they will explode or damage a relationship unless we do something positive about them. So, how do we go through Anger, Fear, Sadness and Pain in the best possible way, so that we can feel Relief, Pleasure, Trust, and Love? We do this by learning to communicate better with other people about the feelings we are having with them. Learning to communicate our Anger, Fear, Sadness, and Pain — as well as Pleasure, Trust, and Love — is what building a good relationship is all about!

SESSION SIX

BLOWING YOUR TOP POPPING YOU CORK

MAD SA D S CA R E D

Sarcasm Ridiculing Threatening Taunting Blaming Laughing at

RELIEF EASE HAPPINESS PLEASURE DESIRE LOVE

Assuming Ignoring Stonewalling Accusing Sneering Contempt

Leaks Through Dirty Fighting 63

PAIRS for PEERS

Anger

Learning Points •

In a relationship, anger is one of the hardest emotions to handle.

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Anger is not always destructive, it can be constructive when vented appropriately.

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In this session we will share tools with you to help you handle your anger constructively.

How to be Angry One of the hardest emotions to handle in a relationship is anger. Does that mean that anger is bad? Not really. Anger at another person can be bad if we just lash out at the other person, trying to beat them down, and letting our words get out of control. When we do this, we hurt the other person and ourselves, plus we tear the relationship apart. Anger at another person can also be bad if we’re afraid to let it show and try, instead, to deny or hide it. When we do this, we get sad, frustrated, and maybe even mad at ourselves. Meanwhile, the problem that is making us angry will probably continue to happen, and we will probably keep on feeling uncomfortable around the other person. So how can anger be good? Anger at another person can be good if it alerts us to a real problem we’re having with the other person--a problem that stands in the way of getting along better with that person. Anger at another person can also be good if we control its energy, instead of letting it run out of control. We can use anger to get the other person’s attention, and to influence that person to work with us to solve the problem together. If anger can be either good or bad, the big question is this: How can we learn to use anger in a way that will do us good, instead of harm? First, we need to become more aware of the destructive ways we fight, the ways that are unfair and that only make things worse, so that we can stop doing them. This negative, reckless way of fighting can be called “Dirty Fighting.”

Then, we need to learn ways to fight that will give us better control over where the fight goes, so that we can come out clean instead of dirty. There are rules you can follow to express your anger well, like the “Good Talking” and “Good Listening” rules that appear earlier in this workbook. Now, we’ll look at a couple of specific tools that will help you handle your anger constructively. If you follow the rules for being angry — and, better yet, if you and the other important people you care about agree to follow the same rules for being angry — then you are more likely to get positive, instead of negative, results. The same applies to Anger Rituals. Anger rules can be very simple. They will help you to get positive results rather than negative results when you are angry at another person. Here are some examples: •

Avoid the “dirty fighting” techniques (especially the ones that have given you the most trouble!).

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Think before you speak.

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Do not shout, interrupt, or refuse to listen.

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Take one thing at a time. Don’t dump all your complaints on the other person at once (an activity called venting).

Get directly to the point. Don’t go on and on and on about what’s bothering you, or about a collection of things that bothered you (an activity called gunny-sacking). You can also use Anger Rituals. Two examples of Anger Rituals, “Volcano” and “Haircut” are described on the next few pages. An Anger Ritual is an activity, or set of rules, that controls the way you express your anger. You and the other person have to agree to the rules of the Anger Ritual ahead of time, and set aside a limited amount of time (a few minutes) for performing the ritual: a little anger goes a long way!

SESSION SIX

Anger Ritual: Volcano

The “Volcano” is an Anger Ritual that lets you blow up without hurting yourself or the other person, so that you can safely get over your painful feelings of rage. Here’s the 7 steps of how it works. 1. Say to the other person, “I’d like to do a Volcano [if necessary, explain what that is]. Will you just listen and let me dump whatever feelings I have?” 2. The other person says “Yes,” or “Not right now, let’s do it later.” [If you are scheduling it for later, decide on a specific time, as soon as possible.] 3. Then, the other person asks, “How much time do you want?” Say how much time you’ll need. It should be brief: anywhere from 30 –60 seconds. 4. The speaker asks the listener, “How much space do you need?” The listener moves as far away as needed to be safe from swinging arms & legs. 5. Once the time starts, feel free to burst forth about all the things that are angering you, as if you were a volcano erupting. VENT! VENT! VENT! And while you’re venting, the other person listens, keeping track of the time, without interrupting. 6. The listener calls out “Time!” when it’s up, and asks “Do you need a little more time?” If so, continue, with the listener tracking the time. 7. When you finish, say, “Thanks for listening to me.” The other person then reassures you, saying something like “Thanks for telling me,” “Thanks for getting out anger this way, instead of letting it leak or spill out.” After the Volcano, if you want to, you and the other person can either talk about one — or more — of the things you’ve just mentioned, or you can go on to do something else!

Anger Ritual: Haircut A “Haircut” is an Anger Ritual used for expressing to another person your anger about something specific inside your relationship with that person. It prevents you from saying something you may regret to someone you care about. It’s called a “Haircut” because you are going to ask the other person to sit still while you “hack away” at them with your words. It makes you feel better right

away because you let go of your painful feelings but is not fun for the other person, however, it is better than attacking them without warning. The “Haircut” can help the other person understand you better and, in the end, feel closer to you. The rules for the Haircut are similar to the rules for the Volcano. Here’s how it works: 1. Say to the other person, “I’d like to do a Haircut [if necessary, explain what that is]. Will you just listen and let me dump whatever feelings I have?” 2. The other person says “Yes,” or “Not right now, let’s do it later.” [If you are scheduling it for later, decide on a specific time, as soon as possible.] 3. Then, the other person asks, “How much time do you want?” Say how much time you’ll need. It should be brief: anywhere from 20–40 seconds. 4. The speaker asks the listener, “How much space do you need?” The listener moves as far away as needed to be safe from swinging arms and legs. 5. Once the time starts, feel free to burst forth about all the things that are angering you, as if you were a volcano erupting. VENT! VENT! VENT! And while you’re venting, the other person listens, keeping track of the time, without interrupting. 6. The listener calls out time when it’s up, asks “Do you need a little more time?” If so, continue, with the listener tracking the time. 7. When you finish, the other person says, “Thanks for telling me what upset you.” (For the moment, the other person should just be glad you let him know your feelings, and should not worry about explaining anything or answering back. Then you say, “Thanks for listening.”) After the Haircut, there are a number of things you and the other person can do. Sometimes, the Haircut itself clears things up, and after a moment or two of making up, you and the other person can go right on to something else. Or one of you may feel the need to talk more about the Haircut situation. Or the other person may want to do a Haircut of his or her own. If you decide to discuss or negotiate an issue, use the structure for the Fair Fight that follows in the next section of this workbook.

PAIRS for PEERS

Emptying the Emotional Jug Learning Points •

This is another tool for identifying and expressing bottled up emotions and feelings, and for getting in touch with a person who is important to you.

•

Emptying The Emotional Jug is a lot quieter way of expressing hurt feelings, than the “Volcano” or the “Haircut”.

•

Once anger, fear, and pain are released there is room to feel love.

•

Expressing anger, fear, and pain provides room in our jug for pleasure, tenderness and love!

Another way to let out feelings that may be stuffed in your Emotional Jug is a lot quieter — but it can make sure things don’t get stuck in there! It’s a journaling exercise, which you can share with others, if you wish to. Or, you can just write down your feelings to understand them better and keep the Emotional Jug from getting too full. It’s done by writing in your journal (or sharing) as many answers to the following questions as you can think of — doing one at a time until you have no more to say: ALWAYS end with MUTUAL APPRECIATION — to the Speaker for using the tool to empty their jug; to the Listener for being present and listening with empathy and respect.

What are you MAD (or angry) about? What else are you MAD about?

If you were MAD about anything else, what would it be? Thank You!

What are you SAD about? What else are you SAD about?

If you were SAD about anything else, what would it be? Thank You!

What are you SCARED (or worried) about? What else are you SCARED about?

If you were SCARED about anything else, what would it be? Thank You!

What are you GLAD about? What else are you GLAD about?

Is there anything else that you are GLAD about? Thank You!

EMPTYING THE EMOTIONAL JUG TO PRACTICE WITH YOUR PARTNER

This exercise offers a structure to confide a range of emotions. STEP 1

What are you MAD/ANGRY about? (Ask, listen, thank.)

What else are you MAD/ANGRY about? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to ask, listen, and thank until speaker says there is nothing else.)

If you were MAD/ANGRY about anything else, what would it be? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to Step 2.)

STEP 2

What are you SAD about? (Ask, listen, thank.)

What else are you SAD about? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to ask, listen, and thank until speaker says there is nothing else.)

If you were SAD about anything else, what would it be? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to Step 3.)

STEP 3

What are you SCARED/WORRIED about? (Ask, listen, thank.)

What else are you SCARED/WORRIED about? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to ask, listen, and thank until speaker says there is nothing else.)

If you were SCARED/WORRIED about anything else, what would it be? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to Step 4.)

STEP 4

What are you GLAD about? (Ask, listen, thank.)

What else are you GLAD about? (Ask, listen, thank. Continue to ask, listen, and thank until speaker says there is nothing else.)

If you were GLAD about anything else, what would it be? (Ask, listen, thank. Conclude with a physical expression of appreciation.)

PAIRS FOR PEERS

PEERS PRACTICE VIII VOLCANO AND HAIRCUT REVIEW

After you do the Volcano or the Haircut with someone, answer these questions (“sender” questions if you talked, or “receiver” questions if you listened).

SENDER 1. What were you angry about?

2. How did it feel to express your anger this way?

3. Is there anything you would do differently the next time?

RECEIVER 1. What was the other person angry about?

2. How did it feel just to listen to the other person, instead of speaking back?

3. What did you want to say, that you couldn’t say — at least during the ritual?

4. Assuming you still felt the need to say these things when the ritual was over, what would be the best way to say them?

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PEERS PRACTICE VIII THE EMOTIONAL JUG AND ANGER

1. An emotional jug is a term that means we have our emotions stored in layers. When we are upset with a friend or family member, what are the three emotions that usually express when our “lid of indifference” blows off?

2. What emotions are at the bottom of your emotional jug? 1.

3. What is one good thing about anger?

4. What rules do you need to follow to get positive results when you are angry with someone? 1.

5. You learned about two anger rituals. What are they and how do they work?

Name of ritual: How do you do it?

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Seven 70

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION SEVEN Conflict Resolution Topics & Tools •

The Fair Fight

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Dirty Fighting

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Fight Styles Profile

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Understand the types of behaviors that create and increase conflict

•

Learn a structured method for resolving conflict with others

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PAIRS for PEERS

The Fair Fight

Dirty Fight

Learning Points

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Fights between people can easily get out of control if they are not managed properly.

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Defensive behavior often happens when we feel attacked.

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Dirty Fighting techniques usually make a situation worse.

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Dirty Fighting is an escalated response to a concern or a complaint.

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The Fair Fight, which we will cover in detail today, will help you resolve conflict effectively.

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When Dirty Fighting starts no one is open to solving the problem.

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Dirty Fighting will keep people on the pain side of the Relationship Road Map.

Fights between people can be like forest fires and can easily get out of control if they are not managed properly. For a long time, conditions get worse and worse without anything happening. Then, suddenly, flames burst out, build fast, and quickly overwhelm everything in their path.

Here are some of the bad ways of fighting that only make things messier for both people - the sender and the receiver: •

Bullying: “Shut your mouth!”

How do you fight a forest fire so that the whole forest doesn’t burn down? You fight it by controlling the flames as soon as you can. You keep them confined to just one area, and you use professional fire-fighting gear to put them out. How can you manage a fight so that it doesn’t destroy you, the other person, and your relationship? You manage it by managing complaints you have as soon as you can. You keep them confined to just one area, and you use the best complaint-fighting gear available to dispose of them.

•

Blaming: “It’s your fault!”

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Accusing: “You deliberately did that on purpose to hurt me!”

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Criticizing: “Why are you always so rude?”

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Putting-down: “That’s just what I’d expect from your crowd.”

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Name-calling: “You’re a liar!”

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Threatening: “Do what I say, or we’re through!”

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Nagging: “Do I have to remind you again not to do that!”

You also have to understand the difference between Fair Fighting and Dirty Fighting. Most of us are very skilled at using Dirty Fighting techniques. Unfortunately, Dirty Fighting never really resolves an issue — and it often makes the “fire” even worse.

•

Lying: “I called, but the line was busy.” (When you did not call at all)

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Teasing: “You think you’re just so clever!”

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Being sarcastic: “Well, look at the big shot!”

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Exaggerating: “You’re always late.”

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Stone-walling: Refusing to talk or to listen.

On the following two pages we will look at some of the most common Dirty Fighting techniques.

SESSION SEVEN

An Effective Alternative for Dirty Fighting So… if Dirty Fighting just makes things worse, what can we do instead? The Fair Fight, that’s what! Fair Fighting is a problem-solving process for handling complaints so that it does the least amount of damage and offers the greatest amount of help. As you’ve already found out, some complaints just can’t be handled in ordinary conversation. When you feel a heated battle coming on with someone close to you--or when you’re so angry at him or her that you’re afraid you’re going to burst into flames — you may need to do an Anger Ritual first (see the “Volcano” and the “Haircut”, discussed earlier).

Whether or not you do an Anger Ritual first, you need to cool yourself down before doing a Fair Fight.

Here’s what the Fair Fight can do for you: •

It helps you put into clear words what’s really bothering you.

•

It provides you with built-in time to think before you speak, so that you don’t blurt out something you don’t want to say, or don’t mean, or might regret later.

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It gives the other person a chance to understand you better, and to say the right thing, without feeling the need to fight back (at least right away!)

•

It not only offers you a safe, honest, and considerate way to make a complaint, but also goes one step further to help you and the other person work out a change for the better — a solution to the complaint.

You don’t have to fight against the other person, and risk hurting that person, yourself, and your relationship. The Fair Fight for Change helps you to fight for something good — a positive change in the other person’s behavior and in your relationship.

The right time to do a Fair Fight is when you can control your temper and think more clearly.

PAIRS for PEERS

Fair Fight for Change Process Learning Points When you have a problem or a conflict with another person who is important to you, you have a number of choices on how to handle the situation: •

You can whine about the situation.

•

You can keep quiet about the situation, hoping it will change.

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You can fight dirty against the other person, in turn the other person is certain to fight back.

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You can use a structured approach called the Fair Fight.

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• “Will you do a quick Fair Fight with me?” •

Situation: Let’s suppose you are getting angrier and angrier at your boyfriend or girlfriend because, much too often, you have to make the first move — in phoning, or planning to do something, or talking about the relationship. In other words, you’re getting the feeling that you care a lot more than the other person does, and that you do most of the work in the relationship, while the other person just goes along for the ride. You would like the other person to take the lead more often. You have a number of choices about what you can do. Let’s take a close look at the different ways we can Fight Fairly, using the example above. This option is a good way to talk about a behavior that you want changed that is simple and quick: •

Sit across from each other.

Speaker then completes each of these sentences, and the Receiver repeats each back as they go along: • “What I’m bothered about is...” • “What I’d like you to do instead is...” • “Are you willing?”

•

A Fair Fight is a problem solving activity with rules that help two people work together to overcome difficulties and create a better relationship.

Option One

The person who wants a change, asks for permission:

Now, it is the other person’s turn. Their statements are repeated back, also: • “What you’re bothered about is...” • “What you want me to do instead is...” • “What I’m willing to do is...”

•

At this point, if you need to, you can talk about what would work for each of you. When you are finished, each thanks the other for confiding, listenin,g and trying to reach an agreement.

Using Talking Tips for The Fair Fight for Change •

If the quick approach of Option 1 does not seem to be enough, try Fair Fight For Change — Option 2 (next page).

•

At the end of the Fair Fight, always remember to thank the other person for confiding, listening, and trying to reach an agreement.

SESSION SEVEN

Options Two & Three Like Option One, you would sit across from each other, and the person who wants a change would ask for permission the same way: •

“Will you do a Fair Fight with me?”

•

The person with the request uses the Talking Tips format to share their feelings.

•

The listener mirrors back with Shared Meaning for each statement made.

•

Upon completion, appreciations are given for confiding and for listening.

•

Based on what has been shared, there is a discussion to see how to work things out.

Still another possibility — if it’s a difficult issue and you can spend more time to work on it, is the Fair Fight for Change, Option Three. There are actually two ways to do this type of Fair Fight. The first is that you can do as you did in Option Two, except each participant gets to go through the entire Talking Tips, giving their feelings and point of view on the subject. Option Three: •

As each person does the Talking Tips, the other person mirrors back the statements with empathy.

•

When both have completed going around the wheel, appreciations are shared.

•

Based on what each heard, there is a discussion on ways to work things out.

Another variation of the Fair Fight for Change, Option Steps of the Fair Fight. On the next several pages let’s look at each of the Steps in this process, using the example we mentioned earlier.

Steps of The Fair Fight for Change •

The Fair Fight helps you put into words what is really bothering you.

•

It provides built-in time to think before you speak, so that you don’t say something you’ll regret later on.

•

It gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Steps of The Fair Fight for Change — Example 1. Ask permission. You say to the other person, “Will you do a Fair Fight with me?” You also set a time limit for the Fair Fight (about 10 to 15 minutes). When you ask for someone’s attention over a specific amount of time, instead of just dumping things on him or her for as long as you want, you show respect, seriousness, and fairness. The other person is then more able to listen to you, and less likely to fight back. The other person can either say “Yes,” which means you go on to step 2, or “Not now, but later,” which means you set up another specific time, as soon as possible. 2. Think about your complaint. You say, “Give me a minute so I can be clear about this.” Then, in a brief period of silence, you define the specific, current issue clearly in your own mind. When you allow yourself a moment or two to think about exactly what you’re going to say, you’re keeping yourself and the situation cool instead of red-hot. You’re helping to make sure that you don’t rush into saying or doing things you’ll regret! In planning what you’re going to say, focus on one, specific issue-the main issue bothering you about the other person’s behavior. This kind of tight focus is the same thing that you do in “Talking Tips,” discussed earlier in this workbook. In our example, the main issue is “not making the first move more often.” If this were your issue, you would not want to distract attention from it by dumping a gunnysack of grievances or complaints, such as, “...AND you’re always late, AND you order me around, AND you put me down in front of people.” ”You want to be more specific about the issue, so that you have something clear and definite to talk about. Using this issue, you might think of several specific behaviors — not phoning, not making decisions about where to go, not saying how you feel — but you want to focus on only one of them, so choose! Also, focus on the current situation — the last couple of times that the issue bothered you. Don’t go way back in the past, which could mean a whole lot of arguing about what really went on. Using this example, you might say, “Last week, I had to make all the decisions about where to go, 75

PAIRS for PEERS and this week, the same thing happened.” You don’t want to say, “You’ve done this since the very beginning. On our first date, whenever I asked you what you wanted to do, you said ‘I don’t care’...” and so on. Finally, do not exaggerate, or you weaken your case. If you mean most, but not all, of the decisions, say “most,” not “all.” You still have a good point — and one that the other person can’t shoot down so easily! Try not to use the words “always” or “never”. 3. Say your complaint. Clearly say one specific, current issue that is bothering you about the other person’s behavior. Try to begin with an “I” statement, like “I think...” or “I don’t like it when you...” For example, “I think you’ve been leaving it up to me to make too many of the decisions about where to go.” Then, go on to express how this affects you. For example, “This makes me feel that you don’t care much about me, or that you don’t want to make an effort to please me.” 4. Repeat and reward. Ask your partner to repeat to you what he or she just heard. This doesn’t mean that your partner agrees with you. It simply means that your partner has clearly heard what you said, so that there’s no misunderstanding. Make sure that your partner repeats what you said to your satisfaction: •

If he or she goes on to say, “...but that’s not true....” or “...but this is the way I feel...,” you break in and say, “You can respond later, after my Fair Fight is over. Right now, I just need to know you heard me.”

•

If he or she doesn’t repeat all that you said, you reply, “Yes, but there’s more,” and then your partner repeats what you’ve added.

•

If he or she doesn’t get it quite right, you say, “That’s not exactly what I said...” and repeat what you did say. Then it’s your partner’s turn to repeat your correction.

Finally, when the repetition is over, don’t forget to reward your partner by saying, “Thanks for listening to me” (or “for hearing me”). 5. Think about a solution to the problem. At this point, say, “Okay, let me think again for 76

a moment.” Then, determine one specific way in which you would like your partner to change his or her behavior, so that you will have less to be upset about. Choose something that you think your partner can do without too much trouble. Remember, your partner may not solve the whole problem by doing exactly what you ask, but, with goodwill, he or she will certainly be heading in the right direction! Also, be positive (“do this”) instead of negative (“don’t do that”). 6. Say your change request. Clearly say the behavior change that you want the other person to make. For example, “I would like it if we took turns, and you decided, every other time we go out, where we would go, and what we would do.” 7. Repeat and reward. Your partner repeats to you exactly what you requested, just like in step 4. Then, you say, “That’s right. Thank you for listening.” 8. Partner’s turn to think about the change. Now your partner asks, “Can I have a few moments to think about this?” and you reply, “Yes.” Then your partner thinks to themself: “Can I do this?” “Am I willing to do this?” “Do I have any conditions for doing this?” “If this change doesn’t seem right for me, what substitute change can I offer?” “What do I need you to understand about my point of view before I can figure out an answer?” 9. Partner’s reply. Your partner may say, “Yes,” which means you can move on to the next step. If, instead, your partner says, “Yes, with conditions,” or “No, but I have a substitute change offer,” or “There’s something I’d like you to understand first,” you listen to what your partner has to say. Then, before moving on to the next step, the two of you talk it out calmly, each one repeating what you heard before you answer, until you reach a behavior change decision that is agreeable to both of you. Part of the final agreement that you work out may include things that you need to do to help your partner make the change. Using our example, you might need to agree to give your partner stronger signals that you want to hear what he or she is thinking, like saying more often, “What do you think?” Instead of just waiting for him or her to speak up.

SESSION SEVEN 10. Create a commitment. Conclude the Fair Fight by restating the final behavior change agreement, asking for your partner’s agreement to act on that request, and restating anything you agreed to do to help your partner make the change. Write down the agreement to be sure that each of you can remember it accurately. Then, set up a time in the near future (a week or two) to discuss how it’s going.

If Feeling Overwhelmed, Call “Time-Out” Especially when dealing with differences, it’s important to stay grounded with goodwill, empathy, openness to learning, and negotiating solutions that will help your relationship succeed. Often, the price someone pays for getting what they want may be to sabotage far more meaningful dreams. It’s helpful to agree ahead of time that if you’re in a Fair Fight for Change and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you can call Time-Out for 20-40 minutes to give yourself a chance to calm down, relax, and then return to each other in touch with what’s most important to you, able to confide, listen with empathy, and find answers that work for your relationship.

PAIRS for PEERS

Coaching Guidelines

1 All discussions are held aloud for all to hear.

2 1

Extensively researched, Keep couple on track strengthens following the 10 Steps. 50 competencies

Learning Points •

In this option, the coach sits next to the participants, and follows the Guide for Coaching.

•

The Coach is empowered to call Time-Out if participants get off track.

•

Use the charts on the next two pages to evaluate with the participants the success of whether it was a fair fight.

NOTE: All coaching discussions are held aloud for the foursome to hear.

3 Call a momentary time out if you see dirty fighting.

Do not “side” with either person. Focus on process, not issues.

Do not give answers; help participants find their own answers.

1. If needed, help the SPEAKER clarify what the issue is. Help him or her to identify one issue. 2. Then help the SPEAKER decide how best to say it. 3. Help to keep statements: • On track • On one specific issue • In a non-blaming stance • Straight, clear

6 Use Checklist as guide for feedback to the couple.

Be their mirror; reflect back to them what you are observing.

4. Remember to use Rituals (whenever needed) of Haircut or Volcano to express rage. 5. Call Time-Out to discuss when you feel it is going off track. 6. Help BOTH participants with Empathic Listening and Empathic Shared Meaning responses. 7. Help the LISTENER think through what is being asked for (clear and specific request) and possible solutions. 8. Remind participants of the need for accurate Empathic Feedback and Reward (physical gestures of appreciation) for confiding, for being heard accurately, etc. 9. Help the negotiation to reach a successful conclusion. 10. APPRECIATION FOR ALL. 78

8 Write down the Relationship Agreement key points.

9 Encourage empathy and appreciations.

10 1

If couple scores five or more points on Checklist, they have demonstrated a Fair Fight.

Invite partner.

Reflect on complaint.

State complaint clearly (one specific behavior).

Partner Repeats (listen to understand, speak with empathy).

Show appreciation (for being heard accurately).

Ask for what you want instead (specific behavior) and “Will you do it?”

Partner repeats what you said including request.

Show appreciation (for being heard accurately).

After consideration, partner responds “Yes”, “No”, or “Yes, with conditions.”

Continue process until you come to a solution. 79

PAIRS for PEERS

Fight Style Profile Style

Great (+)

Gross (-)

Facial Expression

Open, Responsive, Reflective, Interested, Real

Closed, Guarded, Disinterested, Masked

Issue

Here and Now, Direct, Specific to the Problem, One Issue, To the Point

Past, Generalizing, Everything-At-Once

Communication

Clear, Empathic Response, Accurate Feedback

No Empathy, No Response, No Feedback

Information

Realistic, Accurate, Authentic

Distorted, Exaggerated, Fantasy, Lies

Use of “Dirty Fighting” Such As: ridiculing, threatening, accusing, labeling, taunting, laughing at, assuming, sneering, contempt, sarcasm, ignoring, blaming, stonewalling

Comments

Reasonable, Fair, Above the Belt

Responsibility

Willing to Recognize Own Contribution to the Problem

Denying, Ignoring Own Part

Openness to Change

Willing and Open to Change

Not Willing to Change

Adapted from “The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage,” by George Bach and Peter Wyden. 80

SESSION SEVEN

Fight Results Profile Style

Great (+)

Gross (-)

HURT

Decreased

Same or Increased

ANGER

Decreased

Same or Increased

FEAR

Decreased

Same or Increased

EMPATHY

Less or No Change

TRUST/SAFETY

Increased

Same or Increased

IMPACT

Feel Heard & Understood

Do not feel heard or understood

EMOTIONS/THOUGHTS

Expressed & Expressed & Relieved Relieved

Inhibited, Suppressed, Not Relieved

RESPECT

Free Valued, Feel Valued, Important Important to Partner to Partner

Feel Devalued, Less Important to Partner

INFORMATION

New

Old

REPAIR

Mistakes or Mistreatment, Made Up For, Hurts Repaired (may include apology)

No Attempt to Make Up For Mistreatment, Mistakes or Hurt Feelings (no apology)

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Made Progress, Deeper Understanding

Made No Progress, No Deeper Understanding

SELF-WORTH

Increased

Decreased

FORGIVENESS

Forgive, Increased Desire For Friendship with Other

Desire For Revenge or For More Distance

CLOSENESS

Feel Closer, More Friendly

Feel more Distant

DIRTY FIGHTING WORKSHEET 1. Thinking of the last few fights you’ve had, did you use any of the ways of dirty fighting that are listed (or that you thought of)? If so, which ones did you use? (Number each one) #1

2. For each one you used, how did the other person react? #1

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DIRTY FIGHTING WORKSHEET (Cont.)

1. Thinking of the last few fights you’ve had, did the other person use any of the ways of dirty fighting that are listed (or that you thought of)? If so, which ones? #1

2. For each one the other person used, how did you react? #1

3. Thinking of all the times that you’ve had bad fights, which particular dirty fighting technique have you used the most often (and, therefore, need to pay closest attention to avoid)?

4. Thinking of all the times that you’ve had bad fights, which particular dirty fighting techniques used by other people bothered you the most (and, therefore, you would most like to change)?

PAIRS FOR PEERS

UNFAIR VS. FAIR FIGHTING WORKSHEET

1. Thinking about the fights I’ve had in the past, what are some of the things that have gone wrong while the other person and I were fighting (list at least three things)? 1.

2. Thinking of each thing separately, what steps in the Fair Fight might prevent this kind of thing from happening? 1.

3. Thinking of the important people in my life right now, how could I use the Fair Fight to solve a problem I’m having (name at least one person and the specific behavior that bothers you)?

Name: Specific Behavior

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION

1. What is a Fair Fight?

2. List the four things a Fair Fight can do for you. 1.

3. In the Fair Fight, Situation One, what are the three statements the person with the issue says: 1.

4. In the Fair Fight, Option Two, what PEERS tool is used?

5. Using the 10-Step Fair Fight for Change, what are the steps: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

6. If participants feel too angry to talk through any of the Fair Fight processes, what is a PEERS tool that you might use?

7. If you use a coach in the Fair Fight process, what are a few things they do to help?

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Eight 86

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION EIGHT Assumptions & Caring Behaviors Topics & Tools •

Assumptions

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Caring Behaviors

•

Caring Behaviors Wish List

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Understand the concept of making assumptions

•

Learn about the importance of demonstrating caring behaviors to others

•

Learn about the importance of communicating to others which caring behaviors are important to you

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PAIRS for PEERS

Assumptions Learning Points •

Often, when we are talking to someone else; how they hear what we say and how we hear what they say are sometimes different from what we or they intended.

•

Sometimes we may think we are making a friendly comment, they may hear it as unfriendly, sarcastic, or even belittling (a put down)..

ASSUMPTIONS IN CONVERSATION

Think back to some time in the past year or so, to when you found yourself in a situation where you think you might have misunderstood something someone said to you. Then, answer these questions:

1. What do you remember them saying and how did they say it?

2. What did you decide they meant when they said it?

3. How did that make you feel, and how did you react?

4. What would have been a better way to check out your assumption?

PAIRS for PEERS

Caring Behaviors Learning Points •

Important relationships that are happy show caring to each other often.

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Examples of caring behaviors include: •

Listening to another person

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Encouraging another person

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Spending quality time with another person

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When describing caring behaviors to others, focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t want. Be positive!

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When describing caring behaviors be as clear and specific as you can! Instead of writing, “I want her to be nicer to me” (how? when?), write, “I want her to compliment me when I do something well.”

In today’s world, men and women, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers usually have to have paying jobs and work outside the home. That means they need to find ways to share the tasks that need to be done inside the home, like cooking and cleaning, shopping, taking care of and raising children, driving, and so on... Important relationships today that are happy tend to show affection to each other often, are equal partners and share in making decisions about things, and they tend to be each other’s best friends. They show caring by confiding in each other, listening to and understanding each other, encouraging each other, and making time to spend together. They show the people they care about that they are important to each other. What do you want from the important people in your life? How would you like them to behave with you? What would you like them to do for you, or with you, to make you feel more cared about? What would they like you to do for them for them to feel more cared about? 90

The same thing is true about getting what you want in your relationships with other people. It’s hard for you to communicate to other people what you’d like from them, if you don’t exactly know yourself. First, you need to develop clear ideas about what you want for yourself — your own private “WISH LIST”. Once you know what it is that you wish would happen, it’s much easier to think about what others already do or that they could do that contributes to your feeling cared about and important to them. And then you can also think about the things you could do that lead others to feel cared about and important to you.

CARING BEHAVIORS WISH LIST

My wish list: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

List 10 specific behaviors: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

• List 10 specific behaviors that make you feel cared about or special. • Post the list where it can be seen. • Do three or more Caring Behaviors from your friend’s list once or twice a week. Review both lists once a week. • On your list, put the date in the box beside each behavior your friend did and thank your friend for the caring you received. • With your friend’s list, note if there were positive behaviors you did that your friend didn’t notice or mark, and if so, gently call attention to them. Copyright © 2018 Purpose Built Families Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

ASSUMPTIONS IN CONVERSATION Assumptions and Caring Behaviors:

1. What does it mean to make an assumption when we are having a conversation?

2. Did you learn about caring behaviors from this class, or from friends and family members? Explain.

3. Are you the type of person who knows what you want from others, or do you focus on what you don’t like about how others treat you?

Your Notes & Reflections

PAIRS for PEERS

Session Nine 94

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION NINE Drawing Conclusions & Avoiding Misunderstandings Topics & Tools •

Assumptions

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Drawing Conclusions

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Clear Thinking Rather Than Stinkin’ Thinkin’

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Learn that certain assumptions we make about important relationships can be wrong

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Realize that to have healthier and happier relationships we need to focus on clear thinking

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Learn about the importance of communicating to others which caring behaviors are important to you

PAIRS for PEERS

Drawing Conclusions & Avoiding

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Learning Points

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Making assumptions can harm a relationship.

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We tend to assume things about the people we’re close to as if we know what they really mean.

To have healthier and happier relationships, we must clean up our act, and turn stinkin’ thinkin’ into clear thinking.

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On the next couple of pages you’ll find some common examples of stinkin’ thinkin’ listed.

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Maybe you can think of other examples from your own experience.

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Whenever you realize that you’re making a stinkin’ thinkin’ assumption about a particular relationship, check it out with your partner by using the Mind Reading skills or the Talking Tips.

& Clear Misunderstandings Thinking

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In drawing a picture together without talking about it at all as you draw it, you may find yourself later discovering the different ideas about it each of you had. Ideas about what each of you had in creating the drawing, how the page was divided, who took the lead, who followed, how each of you felt about doing it, can cause many misunderstandings if not spoken about. When you make assumptions these thoughts are called “stinkin’ thinkin’” in the PAIRS Program.

On the next couple of pages you’ll find some common examples of stinkin’ thinkin’ listed. Maybe you can think of other examples from your own experience. Whenever you realize that you’re making a stinkin’ thinkin’ assumption about a particular relationship, check it out with your partner by using the Mind Reading skills or the Talking Tips.

SESSION NINE

STINKIN’ THINKIN’

CLEAR THINKING

1. If you cared about me, you would know what I think, feel, and want without my having to tell you.

I cannot assume that you can read my mind and know what I think, feel, and want. I will tell you important things that I think and feel, and I will ask for what I really want.

2. If you cared about me, you would give me what I ask for.

You can care for me and still have the freedom to decide whether or not to give me what I ask for. What I want may not be easy for you to give. Or, in your opinion, it may not be good for you, for me, or for our relationship.

3. If you cared for me, you would talk to me or listen to me.

Perhaps you’re not good at talking or listening. I can help you out by checking my assumptions with you, and by doing whatever I can to make it easier for you to talk or to listen to me.

4. If you cared for me, you would agree with me.

Each one of us is unique, with different thoughts, feelings, and experiences. We can disagree about something and still care for each other. We can discuss and understand our differences so they can be either changed or accepted.

5. If you tell me what you want, I must do it or lose you.

I appreciate hearing what you want because it tells me more about you. That does not mean I am obligated to give you what you want. I can care for you and still have the freedom to choose what I do.

6. If I say and do nice things for you and you don’t respond, I feel bad, so I’ll hold back. If I tell you how much I appreciate how much you do for me, I’ll be obligated to do something for you. I don’t want to. So, I don’t tell you.

I can take pleasure in saying and doing nice things for you without you having to respond.

7. If we disagree, one of us must be wrong, and I don’t want it to be me. This makes me have to prove it is you, so I won’t feel like a failure.

If two people disagree on something, it doesn’t necessarily mean one is right and one is wrong. Each person sees things in a different way. There are many, equally valid ways to see any one thing.

8. If I tell you what I truly think or feel, you might be hurt or angry, so I won’t tell you. I can’t stand how I feel when you are hurt or angry.

If I don’t tell you what I really think or feel, it will make our relationship phony, which will wind up hurting both of us, as we will stay strangers. 97

PAIRS for PEERS

9. If you’re in pain, I should be able to fix it. If I don’t know how to fix it, or can’t fix it, I feel inadequate and bad about myself and I distance from you.

When you’re in pain, I can express my caring for you by listening and being sympathetic. I may not be able to fix everything, and I need not think that I must. Listening is an important gift to a relationship.

10. I believe I should always appear perfect to you. I hide my weaknesses, fears, or inadequacies. So you never really know me. And I am lonely.

All of us have times when we’re not our best. When I hide my feelings from you, I keep you at a distance. Sharing my feelings with you, whatever they are, can help me to feel understood, and can bring us closer.

11. Because I have so many faults, I can’t believe you really care about me.

All of us have good points as well as weaknesses. In spite of faults, I can still be loved.

12. If I were what I should be, you would be happy. You’re not. It’s my fault.

There are many things you may be unhappy about, and many things I can’t change. I can listen to your feelings and care about how you feel.

13. If you were what you should be, I would be happy. I’m not. It’s your fault.

Each of us is responsible for developing our abilities and talents and not expecting others to make up for what we don’t do for ourselves.

14. If I tell you what I want and you do what I want, it doesn’t count because I had to tell you. If I don’t tell you what I want, you don’t do what I want. If you do what I want but not the way I wanted you to, it still doesn’t count. I feel uncared about.

I cannot expect you to know what I want, nor can I expect you to do things exactly the way I would. I can appreciate the gift of whatever you do because you believe I would like it.

DRAWING CONCLUSIONS WORKSHEET

1. How did each of you handle the space? Did either of you assume that you could draw on the entire page yourself, or that the paper was to be somehow divided between the two of you? What did you assume?

2. Was there a leader and a follower? If so, who took leadership? Which one of you started first? Were there two leaders? Were there two followers?

3. Did you cooperate, or compete, in creating the drawing?

4. What did you intend the content to be?

5. Did you draw at the same time, or did you take turns?

6. How did you feel while doing this drawing?

7. How did you feel while doing this exercise?

SESSION NINE - HIGHLIGHTS Drawing Conclusions & Avoiding Misunderstandings

1. What did you learn about yourself when you did the drawing without speaking?

2. What way of thinking do we call it when we are making assumptions?

3. What are two skills you have learned in PEERS that you could use to check out your assumptions? 1.

4. What is one stinkin’ thinkin’ that you’ve had?

5. How do you think that has affected your relationships?

6. Has this class helped you speak up when you feel uncertain about something that has occurred in a relationship? Explain.

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Your Notes & Reflections

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PAIRS for PEERS

Session Ten 102

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

SESSION TEN Letting Go of Grudges Topics & Tools •

Grudges

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My Grudge Letter

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Letting Go Of Grudges

The Skills you learn today will help you... •

Identify past hurts that have caused problems.

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Get over a past hurt or grudge

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Learn how to write a Letting Go Of Grudges Letter

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PAIRS for PEERS

Letting Go of Grudges Learning Points •

It is difficult to let go of past hurts.

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By holding on to past grudges we hurt ourselves.

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There is a tool called the “Letting Go of Grudges Letter” that will help you heal past hurts.

Introduction Letting go of past hurts is not easy. If someone was mean or unfair to us in the past, or if they rejected us for some reason, we may promise ourselves that we’ll never forget. Maybe we even promise ourselves never to forgive. As time goes on, we can carry these grudges with us, and they become more and more a part of us, shaping the lives we lead. Are we happier or better off because we hold these grudges? Not really. In fact, just thinking about them, we can make ourselves miserable over and over and over again.

How do we help “cure” grudges that we have against people who are important to us now, so that we can start having healthier, happier relationships with them? A good way to begin the process is to write a Grudge Letter to the person you have a grudge against — a letter that you will NOT send. In this letter, you spell out everything that bothers you (what, why, and how), consider your part in the situation, and arrive at some sort of understanding that allows you to live a freer life. Because the grudge letter is not a letter that you’re going to mail or deliver, you don’t have to worry about what you say in it or how the other person will take it. It’s a letter that you write to get things off your chest, and that you can keep as a reminder that you have finally “written off” the grudge (if, in fact, you have).

Writing your Letter It is important to express negative feelings and get it out of your system. A Letting Go Of Grudges Letter is NOT written with the intent of actually sending it. To get over a grudge, you need to express each and every negative feeling you have about the particular issue involved, so that you can get it out of your system. Try the following steps to see how it’s done:

Are we getting back at the person who hurt us, because we hold these grudges?

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Think of an issue in a relationship about which you are holding a grudge.

Not really. If the person is no longer in our lives, holding a grudge does no good at all. If the person is still in our lives, but no longer plays a big role, we may from time to time make the other person feel guilty, or do something to get back at that person. But we hurt ourselves much more by keeping the hurt alive. If the person is still in our lives and still plays a big role, holding a grudge can wreck the relationship. It’s like giving the relationship a long-term illness that we refuse to treat.

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Starting with the “Anger and Blame” section, complete all the “sentence starters” that apply to your feelings about this one issue.

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When you’re finished with all five sections, write your Grudge Letter to the person involved on the blank work-book page entitled, “My Grudge Letter.” As a framework for that letter, use the sentence stems that you’ve completed, adding any other comments you think of. Express yourself as freely as you want: Remember, you’re not mailing this letter!

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After you’ve written your letter, answer the questions in the “Follow-up” section.

So, can we do ourselves a favor by getting over our grudges? How do we let go of past hurts, so that we are no longer haunted them?

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SESSION TEN

My Grudge Letter 1. Anger and Blame •

I resent...

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I’m outraged by...

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I’m fed up with...

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I can’t stand...

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I can’t forgive you for...

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I needed...

Following-up my Grudge Letter •

Did you have any difficulties writing your Grudge Letter? If so, what were they?

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After writing the Grudge Letter, do you feel any differently about the person you wrote to? What are those feelings?

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If this person is still in your life, can you act on your “new feelings” to make your relationship better? If so, list some specific ways.

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Did you learn anything about yourself, or your feelings, by writing your Grudge Letter? If so, what, specifically, did you learn?

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Who are some other people you could write a Grudge Letter to?

2. Hurt and Sadness •

I feel hurt by...

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I feel sad because...

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I am disappointed that...

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I feel awful because...

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I want...

3. Fear and Insecurity •

I’m confused because...

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I am afraid that...

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What scares me is...

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I’m worried about...

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I want...

4. Guilt and Responsibility •

I regret...

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I may be to blame for...

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I feel sympathy for...

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I didn’t mean to...

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Please forgive me for...

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I wish...

4. Forgiveness •

Understanding, and Kindness

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I appreciate...

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I realize...

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I value...

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I love...

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I like...

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I hope... 105

“My Grudge Letter”

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PEERS PRACTICE XI - HIGHLIGHTS

Letting Go of Grudges 1. What is a “grudge” ?

2. What does “holding a grudge” mean?

3. How does it affect our relationship with the one we have a grudge against?

4. Did writing the letter change your attitude or feelings about a grudge?

5. Did writing the letter help to clarify your thoughts and feelings about the grudge?

6. Where are you now with “letting go of the grudge” you were holding?

7. Make a list of adults you know who would be easier to communicate with if they took this course. If you want them to be invited to an evening training at the school, put a check mark before their name.

Name:

Relationship:

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“

PAIRS for PEERS

It is only with the heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry The Little Prince

108

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

CONGRATULATIONS! We want to acknowledge our appreciation for the goodwill and the courage you’ve brought to this j ourney of selfs discovery and learning that we’ve traveled together. Our hope is that what you’ve discovered will enhance your awareness of the complexity and the possibilities for pleasure and fulfillment in all of your relationships. The tools you have acquired, with practice, will allow you to continue to sustain and even transcend the gains you have already made! If the focus on your new awarenesses and skills is not maintained, there is a tendency over time to fall back to old patterns. For this reason, we encourage you to practice your new skills and knowledge, using the tools you’ve learned. We wish you well on your continuing journey. It has been our pleasure to bring this program to you, and to be a part of your learning and growth. To success and fulfillment in relationships!

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Your Notes & Reflections

110

LOOKING BACK & LOOKING AHEAD… Nice going! You’ve covered a lot of territory, and you’ve learned a great deal about understanding yourself and having better relationships with the people you most care about. Now it’s time to relive that journey in your mind, and to plan for future travel! 1. Recall at least three important things you learned in PAIRS for PEERS.

2. What was the most fun thing to do?

3. What was the most difficult thing to do?

Always remember that the process of self-discovery and change is not simple or easy. In fact, now that you can look back over the PEERS course that you’ve just finished, you’re probably amazed at how much you did not understand about yourself and about your relationships before you started. As you went through the course and discovered how much there was to know, you may have felt discouraged or overwhelmed from time to time. But in the future, as you continue to explore and use the tools and skills you’ve learned, you’ll discover that they do provide building blocks for stronger relationships. It is said that it takes 40 repetitions of a new skill or behavior for it to become second nature. We hope you take every opportunity to start using what you’ve learned. For now, name three specific things you can do in the near future to use your PEERS skills. 1.

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PAIRS for PEERS

Your Notes & Reflections

112

INTRODUCTION | PAIRS PROGRAMS

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