Volume Volume 1 1
Church Girls Church Girls Church Girls Church Girls Church Girls Church Girls Real Life Real Women & Real God
Real Women Glow On Girl Q&A with Kaley Gray Real Questions pg 11 & A Very Real God
Letter From The Editor If you’re the kind of girl who is always on the grind, this is for you. If you’re the kind of girl who loves God and loves people, this is for you. If you’re the kind of girl who is still trying to figure out how to do life, this is for you. If you’re the kind of girl who could live life in leggings and an oversized t-shirt this is definitely for you! Welcome to a place for your questions. Welcome to a place for you to find women just like you. Welcome to a place of peace. Welcome to a place of understanding. Welcome to a place where your brokeness is welcome. Welcome to a place of belonging. Welcome to a place just for YOU. It’s simple, here you can ask your questions, here you might not always find the answers, but I can gurantee you that you will find lots of laughs, and plenty of love. So come on in and read awhile. This is a place to belong. This is a place of community. This is Church Girls.
Sarai Elise
Contents Contents 4 I Get You Girl
Open Conversation About Insecurities with Natalie
6 Shame Off You
Shaking Off Your Past with Rachael
8 Glow On Girl Q&A with Kaley
12 Sugar & Spice & Not So Nice Dealing with Difficult People
14 Swipe Right
Q&A On Dating In The Tinder Century
16 Perfectly Imperfect
What A Beautiful Mess You Are with Kaley
I Get You Girl
An Open Conversation About Insecurities Written by Sarai Ogans
“I remember being 14 years old when my first ever boyfriend broke up with me.” I had just asked Natalie Estes what she thought was at the root of insecurities. She went on. “Our relationship was incredibly toxic and the it needed to end, but I was beyond heartbroken. I sat in a restaurant with my mom the day after it happened, and as I’m shedding tears into my lunch, my mom said to me, Natalie, the Devil spends so much time lying to women and making them believe that they are, at the same time, too much and not enough. She was exactly right. When I look at what makes me insecure, I think I’m too big, and not pretty enough. I’m too loud, and somehow not assertive enough. I’m too intimidating to men, yet I’m not charming enough. I could go on and on about any insecurity I have – and it has to do with being too much, or not enough.” It’s hard to not relate to that. I’ve known Natalie for years, she and her husband are kids pastors at in Jenks, Oklahoma. Having grown up being so involved in ministry, and working in it now at the age of 23, I wanted to take some time to have an honest conversation with Natalie about insecurity. Whether we want to admit it or not, it’s something
that we all deal with. Natalie and her husband are also getting ready to have their first baby this July. As we continued to talk about insecurity I asked Natalie if her pregnancy had brought out other feelings of insecurity.
9 times out of 10, the shame I felt from other women was unintentional.” Still she went on to tell me that it happens, but she is grateful for the women she does have in her life who love her.
“Pregnancy has been the most beautiful and most emotional experience of my life! From week six through eleven, I found I was incredibly bloated, exhausted, and sick. I felt TERRIBLE about myself and felt like I gained 30 lbs. in a matter of days (week twelve was my saving grace, and the bloating seemed to dissipate, thank God!). But more than that, I have never had to face the insecurity of being a woman that could be a good mother. I am constantly needing to come to Christ to find my worth as a daughter of God. As I surrender to my role as His beloved daughter, I can properly walk in my role as a good wife, mother, friend, and every other role I have.”
I’m grateful for relationships like Natalie’s. We don’t get to be around each other often, but when we do it’s always encouraging. She is what I call an, “I get you friend.” No matter what either of us is going through I can always count on her to be the one to say I get you girl. I often do the same for her. As women that’s really what we all need. So what can we do to help encourage one another and to keep saying I get you girl?
It’s not enought to just deal with our own feelings though. Sometimes, we are forced to deal with feelings of others. Have you ever felt like othe women have intentionally or unintentionally put shame on you I asked Natalie. “Naturally! I would have to say
“ I just realized quickly that if I wanted to encourage and be encouraged, I needed to open my mouth and not be AFRAID or ASHAMED of what I may be going through in that moment,” Natalie said. “Being transparent and honest doesn’t have to be a pity party. I have felt more uplifted when the women in my life can listen to my struggle and say “I have TOTALLY been there, but I got through it. Here’s how I was able to.” “Pity parties ,” she said “are together not constructive. Just
wallowing in the struggle, will keep you there. But sharing the struggle, praying for each other, keeping one another accountable, and encouraging each other to move forward…that’s where the change begins!” This is to the girl who feels so overwhelmed trying to balance her life, we say I get you. To the
women with thick thighs and pretty eyes that are lucky if you get to the gym twice every two weeks, we say I get you. To the ones who feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by other people, we say I get you. You are not alone. We’ve all got struggles and thats okay. I get you girl.
Shame Off You by Sarai Ogans
“Shame on you!” I can’t even think of how many times I heard that growing up. From an adult scolding me for something. From other kids. I probably even said it to someone else a time or too. The thing about shame though, is that it’s an awful feeling. Shame makes us feel less than and unworthy. Whether we put shame on ourselves, or others do it for us. The shame game is not fun to play. I asked someone who I knew had dealt with shame from her past. Rachael Oosterloo. Rachael serves on the creative team for a local church. She has spent several years working in missions, but knows a great deal about having to confront your past. I asked Rachael if she could name a situation in her life where she had felt ashamed. Rachael responded by saying, “I was in a bad relationship that wasn’t healthy by any means. When our relationship finally ended, I kept thinking of the relationship
as a whole. I thought he was the one for me, I even said that he was. I thought God said it. I felt ashamed, because I was wrong. I felt dirty and unworthy for being with him and doing things we shouldn’t have.”
“I opened up to a friend of mine and she didn’t ask questions about what we did for gossip reasons; she just said: your not that girl anymore. When I heard that, I almost didn’t believe it, but I spent a year making it known.”
There is a song that says “shame is a prison cruel as a grave. Shame is robber and it’s come to take my name.”
Hindsight, they say is 20/20, and I asked Rachael. looking at where you are now and where you were then, what would you do differently? Very plainly she responded, “ I would have been more open to friends about what I was going through instead of being closed off.”
Shame has a way of trapping you. And guess what? The bible says that when you’re in Christ, you don’t have to be ashamed. Somehow, life still finds a way to shove it down our throats. Your past comes running after you. It reminds you of the boyfriend who broke up with you, the friends who rejected you, the husband who left you for no reason. It’s not easy to look shame in the face and say enough is enough, but Rachael and I talked about one.
Community is so vital whenever we’re walking through anything. It is important to be open and honest, and as hard as it is, that even helps your relationships grow. And if you so happen to be someone who is wondering if I am in this situation what should I do? Rachael has an answer for that. If you’re struggling with feelings
of shame, “ I would say talk to someone if your past is holding you down. They might actually break that insecurity because they love you for who you are. I would also say, your not that girl anymore. Listen to what God says about you. Know your worth. God has someone for you that will meet all your wildest dreams.” Don’t let shame rob you of the life that you were always meant to live. Don’t let other people fool you into thinking your any less because of someone you were, but are different now. Don’t even let people change you for who you are right now because you we are all a work in progress. Guess what girl? You are an imperfect person, serving a perfect God. That is the definition of what it means to be a beautiful mess. Yes, your life might be a mess, but there is something so beautiful about it. If there were any words that we could leave you with, I think they would be these beautiful words from Rachael. Say to yourself, “I am not that girl anymore. When you look for her she won’t be found. I won’t be walked all over. I won’t feel ashamed for who I am. I am a child of God. A daughter of the most high. Yes we sometimes miss it, and think we heard God say something, but now in this moment, I’m better off. God knew what he was doing all along. He took my shame and he helped me see who I am, who I need in a future.
Glow OnGirl Q&A with Kaley Gray
Confidence used to mean that I would walk out of my house like Beyonce. I could hear the chorus of “who run the world? girls” playing over in my head. But in order for me to really be confident, I don’t have to be anyone but me. My good friend Kaley took some time to answer a few questions about about how to get your own confident glow. 1. What does confidence mean to you? Confidence to me is knowing who you are and not worrying about what others around you might think. 2. Do you see yourself as a confident woman? why? Yes, I think truly knowing my identity in Christ as a young
5. What advice would you give to girls who feel confi3. Is it easy to fake dent, but have less confidence? confidence in social I think so, at least for settings? me if I’m feeling unHonestly, just go for sure about a certain it! It’s uncomfortsituation or meeting able and awkward at someone new I just first, but just go up have to have courage to a stranger and ask to make it happen a couple questions. which then confiThe more you make dence arises from it happen the easier it that. I think it’s all becomes. You have to mind over matter. You know they are probgo by what you are ably feeling the same feeling and you can’t way you are. But the always be led my feel- more practice you ings, you need to take have at doing it the action and just do it. more comfortable you become and it will 4. How do you truly build your confidence. become confident? Your relationship with So go ahead girl. God. If you know who Be that free, braveyou are in Christ you ly faithful, beautiful, have a better underforce to be reckoned standing of who you with kind of girl are as a person and you’ve always known therefore you feel you were, and glow more confident in ev- on. erything you do. age has helped with my confidence.
Sugar, Spice, & Not So Nice By Sarai Ogans Sugar, spice, and everything nice, that’s what girls are made of right? Wrong. Once you’ve been around women for a long period of time, you start to see the not so nice. Whether it be friends or coworkers we have all had our run ins with difficult people. To help you you better handle the difficult people in your life, I hashed it out with Christian on how to find the best way to deal with difficult people. “I don’t believe that people really intend to be difficult. Well... most people.” When asking Christian about what it is that makes people so difficult she said circumstance. “More most people are influenced by their circumstance.” Christian and I were discussing this topic further, and I told her about an encounter I had with a girl at a previous job. A few years back, I had a job working front desk at a college. One day a girl came rushing in screaming and yelling at me, demanding I solved her problem. She came off incredibly rude. I had a hard time dealing with her. Apparently, she had contacted the office several times because her dorm had bed bugs because of someone else’s dorm. She wasn’t from America, so I had a hard time understanding her, but she had bite marks all over her arms. She had contacted the office
several times but no one had helped her. She stood in front of me yelling. And I know you don’t know me, but I am not a person who tolerates being yelled at. I’m not sure what came over me, but I stood up and I hugged her. I told her I was sorry this was happening and I heard her and would make sure she would get the help she needed. “Your story is why we have to be careful in the way we respond to difficult people,” Christian said. “That girl that you met was hard to handle, but she just needed to be heard.”
Christian easily asnwered this question without any hesitation. “The same way that Jesus did. The bibl says that a gentle answer turns away wrath. That doesn’t mean that we have to coat everything in sugar when we respond to me or even pretend to be nice, but we should always remember that our s motivation in doing anything should be love. To ease our own frustrations from dealing with people is also a simple answer. We simply have to rely on Jesus. He is the keeper of peace, and He is the one that keeps peace within us.”
Do you think that people have a need to be heard I asked. She responded by saying that,“when it comes to this topic no. In your case it did, but some people can just be real pains.”
It may come off a little cheesy, but what Christian said is true. If we keep Jesus at the center, it probably won’t keep life all sugar, spice and nicety nice, but it will keep the peace.
What is the best way to handle those people who are for a lack of a better word, a pain? How do you handle that friend who is always overly dramatic? What about the family member that seems to find a way to blame you for everything? Or what about the coworker that is always having a crisis? Not everyone we deal with on a day to day basis is going to need a hug, or even allow one. So how do we deal with those difficult people and ease our own frustrations from having to do so?
Swipe Right
Dating in the Tinder Age Q&A I don’t know about you, but dating for me is HARD. Trust me that it’s not for my lack of trying, but I can’t ever seem to find the right guys. I tend to find all the wrong guys in all the right places. I won’t lie...this led me to consider online dating. To save you from hearing only my opinion on the topic, I had the amazing Krstian Kellly do a short Q&A with me. A few things about Kristian, she’s an avid world traveler. She’s spent years working in ministry, and currently works for a production company. If you could roll Yoda and a less scandalous Gossip Girl’s Serena Van Derwoodsoon together you would get Kristian Kelly. After this you’ll know if swiping right is right for you. Let’s get to it. Q: Have you been on any dates using online apps or dating sites? A: Yes Q: What is the biggest difference in meeting someone in person vs. online? A: Meeting someone in person, you get a feel for their personality and mannerisms right away. Personality and mannerisms aren’t as obvious online, but you are more likely to identify common interests and values from the start. Q: What would you say to someone who is trying to figure out if dating through apps or online is for them? A: I recommend dating apps/online for those who are not able to meet many singles in their daily lives. For example, if your job is more isolated, or involves a lot of traveling; or if your church, interest groups, or community is relatively small. Q: What are pros and cons of dathing through apps or online? A: PROS:
More options Broader reach You know more about them from the start before ever starting a conversation. Takes some of the intimidation out of apporaching someone new. You can get to know them BEFORE going out with them. You have the opportunity talk to more than one person at a time until you decide to get exclusive. It’s often more focused on common interests, values, and life goals than just looks. CONS Lots of options to look through. Can take up more time than just grbbing coffee or drinks. If it’s long-distance it can take much longer to get to know someone. You may be interested in someone who is also talking to someone else. Not everyone is 100% honest in their profile. There’s the danger of going off of looks rather than reading through profiles. You may occasionally come across people who are just interested in adding to their stack of matches. Q: Any final dating tips out there for all the singles? A: I recommend that singles realize it’s ok to adapt with a changing society. Dating online is not a “lesser” way to meet someone. We are a social media, internet, email generation. Singles used to be embarrassed if they met someone online rather than in person, but today it’s more the norm. Obviously, use common sense and practical safety steps when going out with someone online, just as you should do if you met that person at the local coffee shop. But don’t be afraid of the process. Who knows, you might just meet the one you’ve been looking for!
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Perfectly Imperfect By Sarai Ogans
It’s hard to feel like you don’t have to be perfect when everything around you seems... well perfect. I watch all my friends meticulously edit all their pictures on Instagram. I see women like Jenifer Lopez who is now fifty years old, and looks better at fifty than I feel like I do most days at twenty something. I see other people post pictures of what looks like an extravagent vacation while I’m just hoping to make it out of state for the summer. If I don’t have to be perfect why does everything around me look that way? To answer this question I brought in my good friend Kaley Gray again. Kaley is twenty-nine and feeling fine and has been leading in ministry for last 6 years or so. I asked Kaley why she thinks we feel the need to be perfect? “ I think the desire to be perfect comes from the things around us. The billboards, the movies. For me personally it’s the Disney movies, they gave me a false expectation of reality.” I laughed about this with Kaley as I am also a big fan of Disney but she made an interesting point here. “We love to see the happy endings and the fairy tales, but that’s not life. Life tends to be alot more messy.” What can we do about the messy parts of life I asked Kaley.
“God is the only thing in this world that is perfect. No matter how much people might try to pretend like they are perfect, they’re not.” With social media being a central point of alot of our lives I asked Kaley what were her thoughts on social media. “I think social media is fun! It can be a really great thing. It can also be a really bad thing if we start comparing ourselves.” I told Kaley how I related to this alot because it’s hard to scroll through Instagram and see someone and not think man I wish I was doing that. “It’s okay to still want things,” Kaley said, “but you shouldn’t let those things make you feel like your life is any less than theirs.” Kaley has dealt with comparison alot in her past relationships and she told me something that I thought was totally tweetable. “Don’t look at other peoples highlight reels,” she said. “That is all Instagram and Facebook really are for most people. It’s a highlight reel. It’s a post of something that’s a big moment for them. Sure some people are vulnerable enough and honest enough to show you their high
moments as well as their lows, but not everyone is like that.” So we’ve got a problem, but now how do we fix it? How do we stop the need to feel perfect I asked Kaley. “We realize that we are perfectly imperfect.” “The most beautiful thing about life is that we have a creator who is Perfect, and he made each and everyone one of us. He knew about our flaws and our short comings, but somehow found something beautiful in it all. That is what perfectly imperfect means. Imperfect people serving a perfect God.” So if you find yourself scrolling through Instagram tonight fight the need to feel perfect because you weren’t made to be perfect. You were made perfectly imperfect.