5 minute read
Healthy ways to manage
to manage Family Conflict Healthy ways
Conflict is a normal part of family life. How you handle conflict is what makes the difference… Wellbeing coach, Puja K McClymont, shares some insight on how to transform that family row into a healthy place to understand each other.
IT’S completely normal to have conflict in the home. How you handle conflict is what makes the difference in either teaching your children how to exchange ideas, voice opinions and in general speaking up when you are unhappy, instead of something more volatile if the conflict entails the raising of voices and not listening.
Trying our best When we become parents, we tend to make a few vows that often end up being unrealistic. We vow to be different to our parents, we vow to engage our children in every activity that we didn’t get to do; we vow to not let them watch copious amounts of TV/technology; we vow to never fight in front of them. This is of course unrealistic. It’s important to know that it is also okay that you have to let the kids watch TV for more than an hour sometimes, just so you can have an adult conversation with your partner or phone a friend, or just sit quietly — the often overlooked need most parents miss. Feeling stressed Stress is a major factor in having a family and something which isn’t really spoken about. The focus tends to be on how fulfilling having a family is, but actually, learning how to manage the stress of family life is probably more important than anything else because if you can’t manage it, there will always be conflict and you’ll never be able to catch up with yourself as you’ll fall into the same destructive cycle over and over.
Being a role model As parents, we naturally want to lead by example for our children but this is often unrealistic because the pressures of daily life can override all of our best intentions. I’ll give you an example: My son, now four years old, was born at 30 weeks and after the birth, I gained a lot of weight. All of this weight was due to the stress of his premature birth and then putting him first, not me. Because he was a low birth weight, I was extremely focussed on his nutritional needs. Once he was eating solids, we had vowed to ensure he only ate clean food (unprocessed) and would stay away from any type of foods that didn’t provide nutrition unless he got to an age of curiosity and wanted to try something. He currently tries foods he’s curious about like crisps, doughnuts and sweets but doesn’t enjoy them. He will default to fruit; cucumbers are his favourite, and proper homely meals. We, on the other hand, have not yet changed the way we eat. We have made vast improvements, we drink a lot less and order less takeaways etc.
but because we are used to eating processed foods and the convenience they provide, these creep in and we inadvertently are not leading by example. Breaking habits even to be the best example you can to your kids is not always easy and how can we expect them to speak kindly to each other, if we aren’t willing to learn how to speak respectfully to each other?
Conflict may be a normal part of life – aligning lifestyles, interests and finding a way to balance differences in opinion is to be expected when you are sharing the same space with the same people – but it doesn’t have to add to our daily pressure. Much like eating junk food, recreating the same situations, stress patterns for example, make it easy to fall back into our usual habits! The best way to approach conflict by example is to acknowledge that it’s okay to have the conflict in the first place and that if it happens to be in front of the children, that you explain the normality of it as well.
A lot of this advice is based on effective communication in relationships. Here are some ways to do that:
1When you and your partner disagree, it’s important that you let each other speak. Allow the space for both of your feelings and opinions to be heard. A top tip here is to start with “I feel…” rather than “you make me feel…”. This way the other partner leads from compassion in their response instead of defensiveness allowing a calmer response than an anger-fuelled reaction which leads to raised voices. 2 If it happens to get loud… When the children react to loud or raised voices, use this as a sign to bring those decibels down. You know that shouting is not going to get your argument resolved and when you’re in the heat of it, it is even harder, so use the children’s reaction as your marker to re-centre.
3Explain to your children that it’s a good thing to have a difference of opinion. Let them know that you still love each other, it’s just that you need to work through some things. You’ll be surprised at how receptive children are when you speak to them as “big boys or girls”. You can even compare your conflict to the playground so that they can relate better or even use your own parent-children fights as an example to say that “we still love each other when we fight, don’t we? So do mummy and daddy”. This makes them feel safe and gives them a positive template for their values as they grow.
iPuja K McClymont is a certified, NLP Wellbeing Coach in London. Helping people to achieve clarity and direction in their work and personal lives by enhancing mindset. Visit www.franklycoaching.comfor more.
