Maintain sexual and emotional intimacy by Susie Ambrose
The concept of intimacy is often misunderstood in relationships. It is mistakenly thought to be simply physical, rather than a complex interplay of emotional, psychological and physical needs. True intimacy stems from physical and emotional closeness. Each impacts on the other, meaning that intimacy is either increasing or dissolving in a relationship. The need for intimacy often gets lost in a relationship, either due to the demands and drudgery of everyday life or because of misunderstandings between couples which are subsequently ignored or denied. Yet intimacy is what makes a relationship truly fulfilling, and makes people happy.
The impact of evolution It could be argued that today, intimacy is more important than ever before in our close relationships. In the past, people lived in close proximity, in large families or communities: after all, we are social animals. Therefore many of our needs were provided for from this broader network from whom we could gain support and
understanding. Today many people lead more solitary lives, and consequently need more from their significant other. Sex and emotion are increasingly separated in society. The media focuses on sex, which suggest a dichotomy between physical and emotional needs. The need for true intimacy has its roots in evolution: it is human to long for a real connection with our families, friends, loved ones and partners. The work we need to do on ourselves Creating intimacy is not just about what we do in a relationship. Although it sounds clichéd, it is vital to know ourselves and our beliefs, and understand our desires and expectations before we can build intimacy with another person. We need to understand our attitude to relationships before we can build true intimacy with a partner. What we learned about relationships when we were young will influence our relationships today. Additionally, our beliefs will have led to experiences in previous relationships which determine how we interpret our partner’s behaviour in our current relationship. Conflict in relationships is frequently caused by interpreting events in line with what happened in previous relationships rather than what is occurring currently. Understanding our biases and past hurts will help us to understand our responses. Furthermore, we have to be clear about our needs and expectations before we can communicate them to a partner – and being able to communicate them is the real key to intimacy.
The work we need to do with our partners The biggest barriers to intimacy are misunderstanding and miscommunication. Most of us attempt to ‘mind-read’ our partners, filling in blanks, making assumptions and failing to see that what we perceive to be going on in their mind is largely based on
what is going on in ours. To overcome this, we need to be open to listening to our partner and discussing our needs and expectations clearly with them. The most important thing to remember when listening to our partner is to understand that we are looking through different lenses. A deep understanding comes from empathy and perspective-taking rather than processing what we are being told through our own way of looking at the world. To do this well we must have an open mind. We must also avoid the tendency to engage in ‘selective hearing’ (when we only hear what is relevant or critical to us). The more you can change ways of relating that are not working, the better your chance of building the deep connection that can only come from a true understanding of another person. It’s the same for physical intimacy. You need to know your own needs and desires to be able to communicate them to your partner so that you can share a fulfilling physical relationship. A poor sex life is generally the result of poor communication and misunderstandings which are not explored, and so solutions never sought. Intimacy is a frequently misconceived concept in relationships, but its foundations lie in open, compassionate communication. www.themottosbook.com
