THE WAY OUT OF SADNESS

Brian McNaught

There is a sadness that accompanies major personal loss, and it’s tough to shake.

I find that it sucks the energy right out of me, making it challenging to write, or to think in an upbeat, creative way. The sadness that accompanies the loss of things we most love never leaves us. Thus, I take comfort in the wisdom found in many sources over the ages that there is a time for everything under the heavens, including a time to be at rest.

There’s also a time to be tired of being tired, restless with the recovery period of loss. For me, the best path back to the energy of the soul is to be aware of, and to celebrate what I have in my life, rather than to linger in thought of what is no longer there. I am surrounded by sources of joy for which I am grateful, and when I give them my focus, they can light the way back to equilibrium.

Those sources include a husband that loves me beyond my ability to comprehend, a garden that is in bloom with multiple colors every day, and good friends who would grieve my passing. Being thankful for everything that surrounds me, including the sound of my soulmate snoring, and the smile that comes on his face when he sees me, helps me climb the ladder back to the time that is for laughter and dance.

Gratitude is the key that unlocks the door, gratitude for what I was fortunate enough to have, and gratitude for what I can still touch. As we age, it becomes clearer that letting go is the price of living, and we pay our dues with increased frequency. We can fight it or accept it, but it happens nevertheless.

If you’re interested in reading stories about falling in love, breaking apart, and finding each other again, then check out “I Will Find You Again” by Sarah Lyu.

WHAT WAS YOUR INSPIRATION BEHIND “I WILL FIND YOU AGAIN”?

I wanted to write about that feeling of falling in love with your best friend, your soulmate, the one person in the world who understands you — the only person in the universe who’s your safe harbor. And I wanted to write about what happens when a love like that falls apart and the journey of finding each other again: all the mistakes, yes, but all the moments of grace too. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a big inspiration and it’s a recurring reference in the novel. I loved how complex and layered the core relationship in that movie is, and I wanted to tell a story that felt like that. The problems and characters are completely different, but they’re all grappling with big life questions. They’re grappling with how to find happiness in a world that often feels alienating, or worse, indifferent.

WHY DO YOU FEEL REPRESENTATION OF A VARIETY OF PEOPLE IS SO IMPORTANT WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING BOOKS?

Growing up, I had so few books that had characters who looked like me and shared my experiences. Back then, it was acceptable to tell those with marginalized identities to see stories about cis, straight, white characters as “universal.” Of course, it was a one-way street, with “no demand” for diverse stories, and while we have a lot of room for improvement, the overall landscape is much better. It’s so important to see stories starring marginalized characters as universal and universally accessible; readers of every identity deserve books centered on their experiences and their stories. When I was young, I struggled with internalized racism and homophobia in part because I never saw myself or my experiences in any books, movies, TV shows. It felt impossible to accept who I was when the implicit (and sometimes explicit) messaging was that a person like me didn’t belong — didn’t deserve to belong. But I hope with each book I write, I’m carving a place for myself and others like me. And I hope readers who don’t share the same marginalized identities of my characters will still see their stories as universal.

Being Thankful

All of us who are in loving relationships, dread the thought of our beloved dying before we do. I fear the loss of Ray and he fears the loss of me. My younger brother has made it clear that he needs to precede me in death, as the anticipated loss feels to great to bear. I feel the same.

We’re in control, though, of how we manage the feelings that accompany letting go. It’s foolish not to accept that there is a contract we sign with our hearts when we choose to love something or someone at the deepest level of our being, and that if we lose it, we will be called to grieve to the same degree to which we loved. But, at some point, we can make the choice to acknowledge the blessing of intimacy we had, and still have, and to let go of the jet stream in which we’ve lingered.

As Cat Stevens’ song goes, “And if you want to be high, be high, and if you want to be low, be low, ‘cause there’s are a million ways to go, you know that there are.”

Brian McNaught has been an author and educator on LGBTQ issues since 1974. Former Congressman Barney Frank said of Brian, “No one has done a better job of chronicling what it’s like to grow up gay." www.brian-mcnaught.com.