Three Keys for a Flourishing RELATIONSHIP

By Matt Eschler, PhD, LMFT

Throughout my career as a counselor and relationship coach, I have looked for keys that couples can use to survive their differences and learn to pull together rather than apart. After three decades of coaching couples toward finding relationship success amidst individual personality disorders, high conflict, and marriages that teeter on the edge of ruin, I have pinpointed three tools that are mandatory for couples in a relationship. Developing and using these three tools create a path for consistent joy, peace, and deepening intimacy. They are:

• repenting and making new agreements.

• empathizing with the other person in your relationship.

• being compassionate enough to forgive.

These skills require a higher degree of emotional maturity in order to feel sorrow for harm caused, to imagine what the other person is experiencing by walking in their shoes, and to let go of all past injury.

I want to give you an opportunity to increase the intimacy in your relationship by walking you through what it looks like to use the three keys listed above.

Think of something that has happened in your relationship with your spouse that needs to be repaired or that you feel is getting in the way of your marital joy. Then, find a couple of hours to be alone with your spouse where you are able to talk about the issue that you have decided needs to be repaired. Both spouses can come to this meeting with their own “repair need.”

As you sit together, each of you takes a turn to share the issue that you wish to repair. The spouse that is sharing is to explain the issue from his or her own point of view and the spouse listening will use empathic listening to understand the issue.

About the Author

Matt lives in St. George, Utah, where he and his wife, Chris, are enjoying their life with each other. Since their children have grown up and moved out to pursue their dreams, Matt and Chris travel the world. They want to visit 200 countries before they are done. Matt and Chris are active in their community and enjoy working out, training for marathons, and spending time participating in numerous activities with their adult children. Matt received a PhD in psychology. He is focused on the arena of resolving personal conflicts and improving interpersonal relationships. In addition to his doctorate degree, Matt has earned a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, studied criminal justice and received a category one license with Peace Officer Standards and Training, and received a degree in the Arts of Business Management. Matt is a professor at Dixie State University and hopes to be part of the positive growth of southern Utah.

Empathic listening is literally clearing out your own opinions and judgments and listening as if you are seeing the issue through the speaker’s eyes. Make certain that the issue is completely communicated and understood. Both spouses should have the opportunity to share their point of view without interruption so that they can feel completely understood.

The next step in this process is for each spouse to express sorrow for their role in the issue. There should be no arguing or debating of the issue; each spouse should simply trust that whatever has been experienced is real and is in need of repair. The person who was harmed then expresses forgiveness and gratitude to the repentant spouse.

The final step is for the couple to decide if there needs to be any agreements made in order to assure future success with this issue. If an agreement is needed, create the agreement and determine a time to check-in with each other on this issue after a few weeks have passed. This will give each spouse a chance to evaluate whether they believe the agreement is working or not; sometimes agreements need to be tweaked or redone if they don’t work for both spouses.

To create a relationship filled with peace and joy, couples should work on trusting each other and believing the views their spouse shares, even if it is different from their own. Allowing time to share difficult things and allowing imperfections to be repaired is key to a fulfilling relationship. Couples who do this exercise weekly will flourish, enjoy an increase in joy and peace, and reduce anxiety and bitterness in their relationship.