Pre-Wedding Jitters by Shay Banks

Pre-Wedding Jitters How Newly Engaged Women Can Overcome Cold Feet Shay Banks www.beforeumarry.com

**I highly recommend you print this out

Congratulations! You‟re engaged! Everyone you know is super happy for you. They‟re walking around asking to see your ring and demanding details of how it all went down. Did he get on one knee? Did he recite a heart-warming, tear-jerking speech? Did he hide the ring in chocolate? How did you say yes? Did you suspect that he was up to something? After the initial excitement of being engaged and getting used to that sparkly diamond on your left hand, the reality has set in. Your mother has already started pestering you about setting a date and finding a wedding dress. “You have to find your dress early, honey because the alterations could take weeks to get in,” she exclaims over the phone. “You want to make sure you get the perfect dress and that takes time. We must start tomorrow.” You mumble ok, but really, you want to just say “Wait a frickin‟ minute!” Can you just catch your breath for goodness sakes? Everybody‟s all up in your grill with happiness, sunshine, and rainbows and you‟re starting to feel, dare you say, sad. Depressed. Like maybe you shouldn‟t have said yes. It‟s not that you don‟t love him. You do. You love him tremendously. But right now, with all the pressure to plan this wedding, you‟re feeling a bit down. To top it off, you have no one you can talk to about it. Your girlfriends, especially your single, boyfriend-less ones, are filled with envious glee and simply wouldn‟t understand why you‟re a bit queasy about this whole engagement thing. Your married girlfriends run the gamut of either seriously cynical (“If I could do this all over again, girl, I wouldn‟t have married him!”) or overly nurturing (“We all feel like that when we‟re about to get married. It will pass. Trust me. He‟s a good guy and you‟re going to be super duper happy! Now how can I help you plan this wedding.”)

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Amid the congratulations, you really just want to crawl under a rock and hide. You just want to…breathe. Are you making a mistake? Are you too young to go through with this? Are you just simply not ready for this? You love him, but why are you feeling depressed now that you‟ve nabbed a man who has confessed his undying love for you? It‟s these conflicting feelings that no one understands. No bride-to-be ever admits that she‟s having second-thoughts about being engaged. When you voice you doubts, what do people say? “You‟re having second thoughts? Oh my gawd! You must go see a marriage counselor pronto! That‟s not normal!” When you ask a married friend, in a roundabout way, if she had doubts leading up to the wedding. She looks at you as if you‟ve lost your mind. “I knew I wanted to marry Larry the minute he asked me. I never had any doubts!” Insert your feelings of inadequacy here. You feel alone, right? Like no one gets it. You are happy to be engaged. But at the very same time, you‟re a bit down about it too. You‟re feeling a bit depressed and you don‟t want to feel this way. You want to feel happy. You want to because everyone else is so damn happy for you that you feel guilty for even thinking the word depressed! You‟ve just won a prize that millions of women would give their left breast for. You read the magazine articles every month saying that single women are staying single longer. And now, here you are, fiancé in tow, and you‟re sad?! Talk about being a Debbie Downer. Before this goes any further, you must get this solved. You must get this solved before you buy the wedding dress, before you decide on a venue, before you jot down a guest list, or go cake tasting. You must get these feelings resolved, before you marry. If you don‟t, it will literally land you in divorce land faster than you can say “I Do.”

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And that‟s where this guide comes in. In this guide, I‟ll explain the myths that brides tell newly engaged women that keep you feeling guilty. I‟ll also show you a technique that I use with my clients to help them navigate these complicated web of emotions you‟re feeling right now. Who am I?

I am Shay Banks, business owner of Before You Marry. I provide emotional support for newly engaged women during the wedding planning process. Over the past 3 years, I‟ve supported and helped hundreds of women create magical relationships. This is my absolute passion and I am honored to share some wonderful tips with you. So let‟s begin, shall we?

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The Common Lies Told To Newly Engaged Women Did you know that almost 75% of all women have doubts before getting married? Yes, this is a generality. I mean, what exactly does “have doubts” include? I‟m glad you asked. The doubts include: Wondering if you‟ll be able to deal with his habits Wondering if he can be faithful Wondering if he will change from Mr. Wonderful into Mr. Crazy Psycho Wondering if he will become domineering and controlling Wondering how you‟ll handle a serious argument without being able to retreat to your own place Wondering if the two of you will be good parents Wondering if you‟ll be able to balance it all and still stay your sexy, fly, self Worrying about whether or not you will cheat Overwhelmed with the idea that you must be happy 100% of the time Scared that you (or he) won‟t fight fair and it could lead to divorce Fearful of the “I told ya so” comments that others will say if your marriage doesn‟t work The list goes on and on. In fact, the doubts are as unique as the women that have them. What seems small to you is major for another bride. In fact, I had a coaching client who was scared to death over changing her last name. To some women, that‟s the least of their worries. To others, the name change is a big deal. I remember when I was proposed to--the first time—and the first words out of my mouth were “Are you ok if I hyphenate my last name?” Big deal for me, maybe not for you though. You see, the real issue here isn‟t that you have doubts, every bride has them. No seriously, every bride has them and if someone tells you otherwise, they‟re lying. Seriously! I talk to brides-to-be all day, and they are marinated in doubts about their pending nuptials. I‟ll talk more about those doubts in a minute, but let‟s first talk about engagements.

The Truth about Engagements Engagements are beautiful. It‟s a man professing his love for a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It‟s a time of deeper connection and future plans. Engagements are a magical time.

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But they’re also messy as hell! And this is something no one wants to talk about. Fighting with your fiancé becomes the norm. You begin to fight with him over stupid things like changing the channels during favorite shows. You begin to wonder if he‟ll make a great husband. He starts exhibiting random behavior that makes you wonder if you know him at all. But that‟s just the tip of the iceberg. His best friend is starting to treat you differently because it‟s now obvious that you‟re going to be around forever and ever. Mr. Best Friend seems to resent you and makes snide comments like “Yea, well, before you came around, I used to see my best friend every day!” His mother becomes impossible and starts competing with you for your fiancé„s attention. Your mother talks about your weight explaining the importance of dropping some pounds before walking down the aisle. To boot, your fiancé doesn‟t seem to take interest in the wedding planning part. I mean, he‟s playing video games while you‟re hand-crafting the invitations (part of your „this wedding will not cost more than $5,000 plan‟). The least he could do is hot glue the ribbons! Sure he‟s game for going to get his tux, but as far as helping you pick the venue, the place settings, and the cake, he‟s perfectly fine leaving all of that on your shoulders.

Engagements are full of drama—both good and bad. You will have incredible highs and incredible lows. There is a silent understanding amongst all involved that the only person allowed to talk about the incredible lows is the groom-to-be. Why? Because, a wedding is “for girls” and he‟s just ready for it to be over with already! He‟s frustrated he‟s even being made to decide on hundreds of possible place settings. You, on the other hand, should be happy. Ecstatic. Jumping for joy that you are finally going to get your happily ever after. It‟s what you‟ve been planning since you were six years old, right?! Except, you also feel those incredible lows too. You want to vent. You honestly don‟t care about place setting designs. You just want something nice and presentable. You want to be able to cry over the prices of invitations and choosing a venue. You have every right to want to scream at the top of your lungs out of frustration.

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If no one prepares you for the ugly of engagement, it‟s no wonder you feel like crap right now. It‟s because of this “fairytale” expectation that you feel like you‟re not normal, that your feelings of sadness are a sign you‟re about to marry the wrong man. I’m here to tell you, that may not be true. You could be sad right now because, well, you‟re sad! Engagement is a passing of the guard in a sense. You are leaving your single life into a lifelong partnership. It‟s serious business. Screw this up and you could be in divorce court as fast as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were. (did they even last 90 days??) I don‟t want that to happen to you. But before I show you a way to navigate through this fog of doubt, I want you to hear this:

What you‟re feeling is normal. What you‟re feeling is valid. You do not have to apologize for it. This is a really big step in your life journey. You are allowed to feel both happy and sad about it. Now let‟s grab these feelings by the tail and show them whose boss shall we?

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Going Beneath the Layers of Doubt If you‟ve read any of the bridal books out there that deal with engagement blues, you‟ll see a lot of talk about “loss of identity.” Those books state that when you‟re depressed after saying yes, it‟s because you‟re now losing your single self and becoming part of a pair. The cure for that is to simply acknowledge it and tell your fiancé or go to premarital counseling. Problem solved! See how easy that was! Well, I don‟t know about you but, that answer simply didn‟t cut it for me. Loss of identity is just simply too ambiguous to wrap my head around. And if it‟s too ambiguous for your mind, you can‟t get to the root and solve the problem. You see people like to tell you that there‟s something wrong with you if you‟re having doubts about getting married. They want you to believe that you‟re marrying the wrong person because when it‟s right “you have no doubts.” But that‟s not always true. It‟s never quite that black and white because if it were, then why are all those couples who say “I just knew we were meant to be” divorced less than 7 years later? I‟ve had clients, who after 2 sessions with me, got to the root of what were bothering them and ended up happily walking down the aisle. Besides for a few marriage fine-tuning here and there (learning to fight fair and learning to communicate so that you can get what you want without him feeling used & abused), those women are happy. And to think, they had MAJOR doubts before. I‟ve also had clients on the other end of the spectrum. Those clients who had major doubts and in one or two sessions with me, realized that they really shouldn’t marry the guy. They have since moved on to other loving relationships.

My point is this: just because you have doubts or you‟re feeling sad right now, doesn‟t mean you‟re marrying the wrong guy and it doesn‟t mean that something‟s wrong with you. Please remember that, because there‟s a tendency in our society to make newly engaged women feel bad about having second thoughts. It‟s this “shame on you” ridicule that leads millions of women into horrible marriages that end in divorce less than 7 years later. I don‟t want that to happen to you.

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Contrary to Popular Belief, You’re Not Scared About Getting Married I know you think that that‟s the reason you‟re depressed, but it‟s not. You see, marriage and being with your man isn‟t what‟s making you depressed or sad. It‟s the consequences that follow that scare you. Ever see Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? Great movie. That character was engaged to so many different men that once she decided she would marry one of them (for real), she was the talk of the town. But why did she run? Was it because they weren‟t handsome? No. They were handsome. Was it because of their crazy mothers? Nope, that wasn‟t it either. Was it because she had a fear of commitment? Nope. It wasn‟t. What was it that made her run? Was it her secret fear of losing her identity? Did she need to go to pre-marital counseling and discuss it with her fiancé beforehand so that they could all reassure her that everything would be fine? No. In fact, it wasn‟t until Richard Gere‟s character entered the picture that she could articulate why she didn‟t marry those men. The reason she ran was because she wasn‟t her true authentic self in those relationships. If she married them, she knew she would have to keep up that false charade. That‟s why she ran. Imagine having to act your way through an entire marriage that lasts a lifetime. That takes a lot of unnecessary energy not to mention, you‟re self-respect will plummet to an all time low. On the surface, people could say “Yea she‟s just not the marrying kind.” But if you look deeper, the real reason for her running had nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with her. The same thing goes for you, honey. I don‟t know your personal situation (if you want to tell me, you can email it to me at info@shaybanks.com), but I do know that something deeper is going on here. Your depression is rearing its head for some reason and if you want to clear it for good, you gotta get to the root of it. Warning: This won‟t be easy—but it will be worth it! You will feel relieved no matter the decision you choose to make. All Rights Reserved.

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Navigating Through The Icky Now, the fun part. On the next few pages, I‟m gonna walk you through a series of exercises to help you uncover what‟s really going on deep inside. Once you know what‟s really going on, you‟ll be able to take action in a way that best suits you. Ok. Onward and upward. How do you feel in your relationship now?

Have you been hoping that he would propose to you? Did you tell him you were ready to get married?

What are the pros to marrying your guy?

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What are the cons to marrying your guy?

List the things that scare you the most about getting married to your guy.

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Look at each one of those fears you wrote down on the last question. I want you to write it down and then create a possible solution for it. Ask yourself, how can I get around this? Don’t skip this step. I’ve seen women’s doubts fade after they’ve done this exercise.

Problem Example His mother hates me!

Possible solution(s) Kill her with kindness. But if she gets out of line, have some snarky comebacks ready to aim at her. If that doesn’t work, tell my man that he has to put his mom in check or he will be living with her!

Before You Marry

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Before You Marry

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How do you feel after doing these exercises? Good? Bad? Still confused? What to do you do next? Choose an option below. If you know what to do next and you need to express it to your partner, read this blog post. It will help you with presenting everything in a way that he will hear the first time around. If you‟re still unsure, read this blog post. This post was written specifically for women who were in love with their guy, but still had doubts about him. If you need help with figuring out if your guy is right for you, check out the 1,000 questions you should ask your partner. It‟s an incredible list of questions most women forget to ask before saying “I Do”. If you need individualized help and would like to know what to do for your unique situation, contact me by going here. Grab a free ebook. It‟s full of tips to help you have a magical relationship. Get it here.

This is hands down scary stuff. But I know you can do it. Yes, you can do this. You didn’t make it this far to cop out now. Whatever you decide, take a deep breath, and do it. I’m sending you lots of positive energy right now. Best wishes to you, dear.

xo, Shay

Before You Marry