LIFESTYLE OUT OF MY MIND
When Does Positiviły Become Toxic? BY PHILIP CHARD
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n the optimism continuum, those I call the “positivity police” represent the lunatic fringe. These are folks who insist on painting a silver lining around any cloud, no matter how dark and stormy. And while their intentions are not to hurt, they often end up doing just that. It is ironic that these folks create a negative by applying a positive. Jean’s situation was a case in point.
Beset by a life-threatening health condition and unable to continue in her muchloved profession, she quickly found herself surrounded by well-meaning family and friends who repeatedly exposed her to their brands of toxic positivity. “One told me I was going to be fine, that I’d come out of this stronger, and I just need to put my faith in the Lord,” she explained. “Another gave me a pep talk about how if I just fought hard enough and kept my hopes up, all would be well.” As one might expect, that made Jean feel negated or, as she put, “invisible.”
EMPTY SYMPATHY “There you are hurting in so many ways, and someone tries to override your fear and anger with their empty sympathy. It’s easy for these people to paint a rosy picture. They aren’t staring death in the face,” she continued. Sympathy is a common interpersonal instrument in the positivity police’s toolkit. They fail to recognize that “there-there” attitudes and “everything will be alright” platitudes are not helpful or healing. They are, in fact, abjectly hurtful. What’s more, as wise psychotherapist Brené Brown tells 56 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS
us, sympathy drives disconnection. The person who is hurting is left feeling even more alone. “It would be better if they said nothing at all,” Jean concluded.
GENUINE EMPATHY What does heal, of course, is genuine empathy, which is feeling with the person in distress. Being empathic involves far more emotional risk than dishing out sympathy. Why? Well, to connect with that person’s pain, I must access some of my own. I must get in touch with something in my own experience that is analogous to the other person’s situation and distress. And, often enough, that hurts. However, the benefit to the other person is tangible. Empathy creates a felt-understanding that affirms the afflicted individual’s reality. They feel less alone. But sympathy is not the only tool the positivity police employ. Many use what I call “impositional speech.” This occurs when someone tries to put words in your mouth and your mind in an effort to impose their emotional tone on what you experienced. For example, if I say, “You enjoyed the party, didn’t you?” or “I’ll bet you had a great time,” the message is clear . . . you Illustration by Benjavisa/Getty Images.
