The Many Meanings of 'I Love You'

BY PHILIP CHARD

If it hasn’t happened yet, chances are, at some point, another person will look you in the eyes and say, “I love you.” I’m not referring to your parents, siblings or a best friend. Rather, this someone will profess to love you in a romantic fashion, as a potential mate. They may claim to be “the one” or your “soul mate” or to have “fallen in love” with you. Indeed, that person may look, sound and act like the bona fide love of your life. That prospect, in and of itself, can seem pretty appealing. However, much as we may long for such a moment, it’s when we hear those words—“I love you”— that the hard part begins.

“How do I know he means it?” Cindy asked, referring to the boyfriend who had just spoken those words in what seemed a prelude to eventually proposing marriage.

“Well, he means something, that’s for sure. The question is exactly what?” I replied.

HIDDEN AGENDA?

While seemingly simple and straightforward, the phrase “I love you” frequently comes with excess baggage, most often a complex, multi-layered set of meanings. And, on occasion, it harbors a hidden agenda, one your suitor may know but you don’t. We run across “I love you” so often, mostly in movies, TV programs and theater, that many of us presume we understand the meaning of that phrase when it comes out of an admirer’s mouth. Often, we don’t.

Among the myriad possible meanings residing within this utterance, we may discover one or more of the following secondary messages that, upon reflection, may not be as appealing as the original one:

1. I need you to take care of me. 2. I want you to be the person I want you to be. 3. I expect you to make me happy. 4. I want to be the center of your universe. 5. I intend to control you. 6. I expect you to meet all my emotional needs.

Often, when a person feels unsettled or uncertain about their suitor’s “I love you” overture, it is because they detect, albeit intuitively, that one of these or some Psychological blind spots are common, particularly while caught up in the swoon of infatuation or when a rookie at courtship. Truth be told, I’d venture that most prospective mates fail to contemplate their intentions and expectations, let alone share them with each other.

“Ask,” I advised Cindy. “Try to find out what ‘I love you’ really means, and any expectations and needs that come along with it.”

“Doesn’t sound very romantic,” she replied.

“Maybe not. But it has the potential to be very intimate,” I suggested.

An honest, heartfelt discussion between would-be lovers or spouses about what they truly want, need and expect from their emerging relationship will either drive the parties apart or draw them much closer. As such, it will test the strength of the initial bond. Someone easily threatened by these kinds of questions is probably emotionally insecure or immature. In other words, they constitute a bad bet in the game of romantic roulette. In the heat of courtship, it’s easy to brush these considerations aside and just ride the wave of romance and passion. Too easy.

So, when you hear sweet nothings whispered in your ear, remember that they are actually sweet somethings. Do your best to find out what those somethings are.

other unwelcome expectation inhabits the message. Granted, this paranoia may simply be natural wariness, particularly if rejection, betrayal or abuse occurred in prior romantic relationships, or if one had an emotionally traumatic childhood. However, it may also indicate that an unwelcome back story is at work. We ignore our intuitions at our own peril.

BLIND SPOTS

Trouble is, it’s also true that when many of us say, “I love you,” we are not entirely conscious of what we mean. Our hidden agendas may be as invisible to us as to the person we are professing to adore. Philip Chard is a psychotherapist and author with a focus on lasting behavior change, emotional healing and adaptation to health challenges. For more, visit philipchard.com.