VALUING OURSELVES

Paula Carnell, Beekeeping Consultant, Writer and Speaker

Recently I took a few days away in Dorset on a solo writing retreat. I knew that if I was ever going to finish my two current books, I needed to get away and focus! The time was fabulous, and of course not long enough.

I was staying in a cottage on a small farm near Plush. I had a large table looking out into the garden with the sunshine streaming in for most of the day.

I connected with nature, hugged trees, meditated, slept, wrote, wrote some more, made soup, watched birds, and grounded myself under the stars barefoot on the frozen grass. I also watched the Julie Christie version of Far from the Madding Crowd, one of my favourite books and films. It still makes me cry!

When we give ourselves peace, it enables us to hear what our bodies are telling us. I was writing chapters for my book Creating a Buzz about Health.

Finally, I am sharing what I did to recover my health. With over six years of good health, I am able to look back at my poorly years with new insights, and less pain and fear. There has been a lot of pressure to remain well, not fall ill again, – the fear that my health was temporary. To truly value myself and understand the responsibility of self-worth.

Working with the bees and honey, and studying herbs, I have learnt more about why I was ill, and why what I did helped, even if sometimes treatments didn’t feel like they made a difference.

I am also sharing what I do on a daily basis to remain healthy. Regular retreats are a part of that.

I am writing it in the only way I know how, snippets of stories, sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences in bite-sized chapters, like ‘Artist to Bees’.

I want to create a book that can be dipped into, or read from start to finish. I love books that you can randomly open and what you read is exactly what you need to understand at that time. Some of my experiences are painful to write about, yet sharing them is healing, and could help the reader who has similar traumas.

Since my birthday in November, I have also been on a self-development journey regarding my own selfworth. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t valuing myself – I still wasn’t paying myself for all the hours worked. Shining light, or even looking through a magnifying glass, at myself has opened up a can of worms, showing that even when we think that we are well and happy, there’s always another layer to unpeel and heal ourselves. I have often told clients, friends and colleagues that we cannot be valued by others until we value ourselves, and yet there I was not valuing myself! Perhaps Bathsheba Everdene is a character I admired because of her appearance of self-worth, yet her experiences showed that even she accepted less than she was worth, and of course, her hiving a swarm has been a subliminal message to me regarding my own connection with bees.

With this new self-awareness, I haven’t suddenly taken lots out of my business to pay myself and go on a spending spree! I have thought more carefully about my current and future plans – instead of leaping to invest in my business, I have considered going slightly slower and enjoying the ride a little more deeply.

The retreat was part of that. How indulgent to be alone, not working, during a working week. How indulgent to cook what I wanted to eat, to read in the daytime, to watch my favourite film. To lay in the woods on a Friday afternoon feeling the sunshine on my face whilst the ground was frozen around me. To watch and smell a fox, wander around a churchyard, and feel a bee on my favourite woollen socks that needed darning!

This was an important time to have this rest and contemplation. I also decided that my word for 2023 is ‘joy’. I am challenging myself to include more joy in my life and work.

Valuing ourselves doesn’t have to be about money. I have been reminded about why I work and what is my business creating a buzz about health all about anyway? Why am I so passionate about saving bees, improving humanity’s general health and connection with nature? Why bother with such a mammoth mission? I also wondered why do I value myself so little, or even feel guilty about treating myself with money or, more importantly, time? paulacarnell.com

This morning, as I sat down to write this, I heard that I’d passed an exam. It was Module 2 of the BBKA beekeeping course. The subject was honey and products from the hive. With my work, experience and all the revision with a study group, many expected me to pass with flying colours. I even myself had moments of wondering if I could attain a grade of distinction! I have an uncomfortable history of exams, failing most of them aged 16 when at Lord Digby’s Grammar School in Sherborne in the 1980s. I was devastated and shocked by my catastrophic failures and it resulted in my having to leave school and take a further education path I wasn’t expecting. It certainly made life harder with my art career, although I wonder if the feeling I was ‘behind’ in some way motivated me to work harder and try even more to prove that I wasn’t stupid. The shame of not being academic carried right through to even now, and the memories of the horror of exams are hard to contain. I have been taking Herbal Medicine exams which have certainly helped, yet my results in exams never truly reflect what I write in assignments or even remember from what I am learning. So many are judged by markers that are not reflective of our real gifts and talents. A real measure of success for me by this time next year is to have found a way of combining joy with exams, perhaps then I can truly value myself and my achievements!