Luv Hurts

Luv Hurts Luv Hurts Luv Hurts @Shy Electron

I didn’t think it was gonna happen like this!

Well, maybe I kinda knew it would...

Sorry.

Sorry.

PROLOGUE

SILENCE

“In silence, the truth can at last speak.”

I took this picture on February 28th.

I was very alone in a city far away from home.

I had spent a goooood portion of the afternoon sobbing on street corners for the amusement of strangers who seemed moderately repulsed at the sight of me.

My face was forcefully contorted with sadness, red from the cold, dripping with tears of dissappointment and fear.

I felt repulsed at the thought of me too.

You may not have been the person I wanted or expected but that didn’t really matter. I trusted you and you may have looked the same but you were very different on the inside.

Like some kind of emotional catfish.

And you’re irrelevant to my story, but you did leave a bad taste in my mouth & reminded me of something I nearly died to forget.

Today was the day that it all hit me like an unstable wave, washing me away helplessly.

I should have listened to myself more closely!

I ’ve been th in kin g for a lo n g time abo ut if there is an y easy way to say th is, an d th is was al l I co u ld co me u p w ith :

I was the victim of a sexual assault.

I am a sexual assault survivor.

I will always be a sexual assault survivor.

And do you know what?

I think it’s FUCKING STUPID

I was 20 years old I did not deserve it It was not my fault

End of story.

oh & most of all I think this is fckn stupid because

I’M NOT A TO BE FU C-O-N-SWITH H

ALLOWED URIOUS & -U-M-E-D HATRED

I took this picture the following December 15th.

In some way I can only be validated by hatred.

Hatred that this happened to me.

Hatred that this happens to people.

Hatred that this happens.

Hatred.

Large beautiful fountains of upwelling anger & rage for the person who did this to me and the people that act like ‘em.

It isn’t fair or realistic to expect me to be able to wash my hands of my emotions and asking me to “let go of negative feelings” is just a dismissal of me and my struggle and the acceptance that negative feelings are normal. Do not pretend to love me if you cannot let me have hatred for the people who deserve it.

Let me be embroiled in hatred and thoroughly experience it in the ways that I need to no matter how messy or uncomfortable. There are so many people who want to dismiss me and what I have to say and how I think because they have not gone through hardships like this and hurt me with sharp pointed words. I must crush them and make them feel broken for the ways that they don’t care.

They made me hurt.

If it needs to pass, it will when I’m ready.

This is my struggle.

Remember that you’re just here to listen.

YES?

...

NO.

CHAPTER 1

FLESH & BLOOD

“That which is born of flesh is flesh, that which is born of blood is blood, and that which is born of pain is pain�

L L E W

!

T I H S

TALK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANNA TALK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANNA TALK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’

I NEEDED TO TALK MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME & THAT I WASN’T IMAGINING IT LIKE SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE. FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME I JUST COMPLETELY DENIED THAT IT HAPPENED & BLOCKED IT FROM MY MEMORY. I STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER SO MANY DETAILS OF IT. HOW FUCKING SICK IS THAT.

I fight myself because there are so many things I can’t remember.

It feels so far away from me, and I only see it in ripples of how I respond to situations.

I do remember so much that did happen, like that you

took me to the roof of your building and you wanted to make out with me in front of the skyline because you were into things like that.

The stubble on your face was so rough it hurt but you said you liked the way I kissed you.

Your breath smelled like peppermint gum and tequila, which I already knew was your favorite.

I thought it was stupid that you so clumsily tried to hide your liquor from me.

The rest of the scene is missing, but what I remember next is being in the “lounge” and you telling me how hot it would be to fuck right there on the couch

and I told you no because that was stupid and I didn’t want to.

You pushed me down on the couch anyway and I had to take you back to your apartment because it was obvious that you needed to be behind closed doors. You convinced me to stay for half an hour later than I said I was going to and you stripped down to your underwear because you were drunk and horny and knew I wouldn’t object.

I didn’t, and unsurprisingly things got hot ‘n heavy but I had to go home and you begged me for ten minutes more and stupidly I said yes, so you begged and pleaded with me to stay all night and fuck your brains out instead of going to work in the morning.

When I stood firm there was a shift in your tone.

You told me how you ‘deserved it’ and how I’d been ‘teasing you’ the whole night and pushed me down.

I

yelled

at

you

and

told

you

no

so you started yelling back & wrapped your arm tight around my neck and whispered something sinister in my ear.

I felt the world start to slip.

I gasped for air, terrified and amazed that this is happening.

I took all of my strength and whipped my elbow back into your face. HARD. Half conscious, I collected my clothes, bolted out the door, & down the hallway to the elevator. I went home as fast as I could and just tried not to think about it. It is such a struggle to recall those events and there was so much more that happened but I don’t remember where it fits in or how.

I don’t know why I carry severe doubt and skepticism over my memory of these events, but all I could come up with is that We are told to doubt victims.

BOYS GET R

DON’T RAPED

I convinced myself that this was just something that was always a possibility & that I should have been more careful because it happened to people everyday.

THAT

ISN’T

TRUE,

THAT IS A DISMISSIVE VICTIM BLAMING LIE THAT IS MEANT TO PROTECT RAPE CULTURE FROM DEALING WITH ITS HARMFUL & ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. I thought that because he was 30 and I was 20 that I wouldn’t be taken seriously by anybody, or because we ‘met on Grindr’ which is an app for ‘filthy sluts’, or that I was expected to deal with this myself, in silence.

I doubted myself & my experience and because of that I dismissed myself.

I

did

nothing wrong,

and even in doubting myself I didn’t do anything wrong.

I thought for a long time about telling someone or ‘calling the police’ but I didn’t have the willpower.

I would have melted under the pressure. I simply could not.

He texted me the next day trying to cover for himself by saying that I overreacted, that he just liked to play rough, and that I led him on.

But I didn’t stand for it and he spit out a line at me I will never forget.

“You pulling Well

aren’t this fuck,

cute enough kind of shit that’s a

to on new

be me” one.

And wouldn’t that be crazy if my physical attributes could some how have any effect on the validity of my claims that you tried to knock me unconscious so that you could sidestep receiving my consent.

But

it

doesn’t!

At the end of the day you are just a huge fucking creep and a massive dick that can’t listen or consider anyone else’s feelings besides your own.

But I’m not surprised and I don’t think you should be either.

I

have

no

sympathy

for

the

wicked.

EVEN STILL, AFTER REALIZING THAT THIS WAS A VERY TRAUMATIC EVENT IN MY LIFE IT DIDN’T FEEL LIKE A SEXUAL ASSAULT. IT DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I ‘ASSUMED’ IT WOULD AND THE SIGNS AND SYMBOLS WERE NOT IMMEDIATELY OBVIOUS TO ME. I HAD TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME ‘FIGURING IT OUT’ AND IT JUST MADE ME FEEL REALLY STUPID.

THINK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANNA THINK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANNA THINK ANYMORE. STOP CALL-IN’ STOP CALLIN’

THIS IS A

DIS-AS-TER

The light between the leaves begins to fade because paradise has failed you.

It’s all slipping again.

Inhale.

These are tears of STRENGTH

Oh n o,

NO,

YOU’RE THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP. YOU ARE THE REASON I RECOIL FROM PHYSICAL TOUCH AND AM AFRAID THAT I’M GOING TO BE MURDERED EVERY TIME I TRY TO F*CK SOMEBODY. YOU SEVERED MY CONNECTION FROM EVERY OTHER LIVING BREATHING HUMAN BEING IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND MADE ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUT IT ALL BACK TOGETHER

CHAPTER 2

EVIL

“I am the serpent; I am the apple�

BUT WHAT MIGHT BE WORSE IS THAT YOU SEVERED THE CO N N E C T I O N INSIDE OF MYSELF B E T W E E N HEAD & HEART, MIND & BODY & SOUL.

AND NOW THEY FLUTTER IN CIRCLES, UNABLE TO SEE EACH OTHER LEAVING ME TO MEDIATE INSTINCT & IMPULSE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT’S BEST FOR TODAY, BEST FOR TOMORROW.

You are kept alive in zeros and ones.

I Don’t believe in much

I keep hatred locked in shoulders & hands & fists and warp my body in inhumane ways making shapes and symbols that spell out self-lothing.

HURTING MYSELF, WOUND LIKE TENSE CHORDS. And in guts.

Like knots undulating, swallowing and choking itself. an internal ourboros; this is happening again and it’s going to make me bleed.

No light, No Light.

cut into & cut all the way thru beyond bone, beyond genes

AND TEAR MY BODY APART TO GET THE FEELING OF YOU OUT OF ME

Lover, I am loveless.

Lover, I am lonely.

You reach down deep inside of your gut and pull up a beautiful stone. You enjoy it’s smooth surface as it passes through your fingers. so lonely trying to be yours But you feel an upwelling urge to crush it between your palms.

To obliterate it.

when you’re lookin

ng for so much more

You press firmly into it, and while it initially resists, it quickly gives way to a thousand tiny shards embedded in your palms. what a forsaken cause Blood runs through your fingers and you are awash with pain.

You regret ever finding pleasure in it at all.

··

When I was a kid, my next door neighbor called me the devil and in all seriousness it lingered with me my entire life.

···· ·– – ·

What it did was start the process of how I defined myself.

At that point all I knew was that I was evil.

I had the devil inside me, I am evil.

–– –·–– ··· · ·–·· ··–·

My choices, my interests, and my personality, who I was as a six year old child I was somehow innately EVIL. I believed it and processed it as true. I accepted it into being a part of who I was because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that I was a child stuck in an adult situation, I really believed it. I have walked around since at least partly believing that I have some predetermined inclination towards evil not as an effect of my actions, but just as a part of who I am.

··–· ––– ·–· · ···– · ·–· So when STUPID STUPID STUPID FUCKED UP SHIT like this happens I couldn’t help but want to blame myself, even if it wasn’t my hand around my neck maybe I put myself in a position where it was inclined to happen. Maybe I had done something wrong and this was how I was being repaid.

That I was being choked by the hands of god himself.

–·· · ···– ·· ·–·· It is unbelievably hard to fight back an impulse like that, in case you wouldn’t have realized.

But I really didn’t do anything wrong.

I hope you’ ll understand.

·––· ·–· ·– –·––

stop beating yrself up already!

I am not just the devil emoji!!!

I am so much more than the devil emoji!!!

I have the capacity to create good and positive experiences in this world, and have already done so.

So many times!

People love me, & I love the world in return.

I don’t deserve to carry this guilt and I deserve to live the way I want to, the way that I need to.

So let me, like I’m trying to.

You are wrapped in FORGIVENESS

Exhale.

Allow yourself to break that which has made you suffer.

Let this weight slide over your shoulder and off your back.

Forgive yourself.

They can’t hurt you anymore.

CHAPTER 3

THE COLD

“Those behind the clouds and sky have been moved to tears, and even the rain will be melancholy�

I am the silence, suffering in my grandest splendor • I am trapped in the edge of the mirror lost between worlds

•

I have molted out of my skin but I am too tender and must hide myself away. When my body moves sometimes my spirit falls out and the synchronicity is broken so the two begin to be more seriously torn apart. I am covered in stitches and tremble with intent of mending myself back together. I have been wandering streets trying to find my way home, but there is nothing to find. My forgotten world is empty, and I try to keep my vision unfocused. The things I cannot see cannot scare me, cannot hurt me. I pray to myself for something, anything but I do not find the words or otherwise, only a rattling carcass. My lonely year is barren of any sort of revelations or truth. It is just mist and motion kept just out of view. Voices sing out to me, from tea kettles, rain, books, and bus stops asking me for things, asking me for flesh but I don’t answer.

Cannot answer. I have nothing to give. The past and future fall away and I exist only now as a whimper in the dark.

• Why can’t you see me?

once the heart is buried, even grief, can be forgotten

I dont think I can survive like this

am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed am i blessed or cursed

I sit in my puddle, frozen to the core, cursing the icy morning sun and the way it makes me feel.

I wait for myself to melt and be exposed for what I am, but it never happens.

I feel embarassment “over nothing� well up in my throat and try to hide it from the strangers but I think they see right through me.

A car drives by and I step back to avoid the splash.

no-where to

no-w

o go, where to go,

I see police lights reflected in darkened school bus windows and my heart hurts in the shape of an inverted L which today stands for loser and I trick myself into believing it.

I feel the bone-chilling wind freeze my nostrils and the front of my teeth; it hits me hard.

I want to move but I’m not sure I remember how and there is no one I feel can teach me.

I feel obtuse and alone looking for a better fit.

I don’t always hurt like this but it comes back in unstable waves and I feel it all over.

The light changes and I cross the street.

its been a long time since I cried out from the pain of this thorn in my side

but i’ve just been trying to make it work

I sat down in the snowbank in front of our doorstep and let myself get buried under the snow.

I should be used to it by now but it hurts me no matter what I do.

A white flag begins to raise up, out of my chest.

because boy, I do

s

u

de n rre

r.

it waves & ripples in the wind, freely suspended above me and even in this misery I feel a connection, to something, to someone out there.

if i try to pull it out it’ll just make matters worse

i’m not ready to see the blood

The tired afternoon light falls in through the frozen glass and you wish you could too. Kept just beyond comfort you struggle to keep your spirits high. Heat slips out of your mouth and nose and the sensation is daunting to say the least.

You hear the sound of pounding on the steps. Coming just for you.

The door is about to open.

Things are going to get better.

You shiver in ANTICIPATION

suffering is not a competition

I WILL ALLOW SPIRIT BRO

L NOT W MY TO BE OKEN

CHAPTER 4

THE EARTH

“In ten million years, I’ll be a handful of golden diamonds”

Here I can watch from a distance over my land of misery

Life is so hard

but I am re

d to believe in

eally trying!

I find solace in trying to break myself up in the most loving way possible not out of hate but because I think I could be put together in a more helpful way.

So in the morning I climb up mountains & push myself into hillsides slamming my body down into the dirt. the sen-sa-tion is overwhelming, but I welcome the change & hope it can help me bridge the space between brain n’ body

I just keep breaking until its right,

HOW I’D LOV TO FEEL MY CRASHIN

THO

VE Y BODY NG AGAINST OSE ROCKS

maybe I have felt this way before and my molecules have once been dirt and miss the feeling so it is my job to reconnect the dots to the best of my ability

I severed a part of me & left it here in hopes that I’ll live forever. & be transformed into something new, into someone else like myself. like all things.

I have been made & remade millions of times over in different shapes, styles, & states across this world.

And so have you.

I know our ability to change is limitless.

Today i ripped The Sword out of my side, because I am ready to move on.

I used it to carve a figure 8 out of the sky and then into the earth, leaving a scar to match Mine, forging a pact between us.

I have a mission to complete, and cannot Quit until it’s done.

I believe in our RESILIENCE. we can remake ourselVES, the only master is you.

Somehow, here, it lives.

You bring your hand up to a pink flower and pluck it from the branch.

Peeling the ends of the petals back you deeply inhale the quiet aroma.

You are filled with REMEMBRANCE

This isn’t about living forever.

This is me, being alive enough to change, and grow into something real.

I know a future worth waiting for.

Trust me, you’ll see.

Such Is U

Ur Power

The carvings I made in the earth are kept on the back of my hands •

I needed to be laid to rest.

Returned to the earth and be given life all over again.

•

When I climbed to the top of the mountain I saw the whole world before me and realized I always had the power to take the sword out of my side, I just needed to be ready to do it. And after I pulled the sword from the stone in my side, I used it to slice my body open. One long vertical cut along my torso, from sternum to pelvis, and let everything fall out of me. My howls transformed as they fell out of my mouth and across the sky, collapsing in upon themselves.

Something in me died that night with his arm around my neck.

Dead forever, and can never to be brought back to life. I sliced my body open and destroyed myself a thousand times over until I was empty and had not a single ounce left to surrender. My heart was like a diamond mine, and this was the only way I knew how to get to the bottom. Once again I was overcome with pain, but now I was free, free from the danger of him & the danger of being seen so vunerable like this. Finally I had a grasp over it, somesort of mine.

The only way out for me, is through.

• My torture became my remedy.

Sometimes all you can do is walk away from everything

I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better I am feeling better

If you say it enough times maybe it’ll come true.

CHAPTER 5

THE SKY

“The wind is howling”

, h c ts u m h o g s u o k h n t u i r h w h t o t l l t ’ w a . o n t u s fl o o u y D j to

“Well, neither of us want the baby to grow up with out a father!!!”

I believe that we are free to exist without reason or cause.

And that not all things in this world happen for a reason.

There is nobody looking over your shoulder trying to keep you safe. There is nobody putting you through hardships so that you will grow.

Those things do not exist. and even if it feels like they do you must remember that you are so much more special and are able to give your life much more meaning than any Destiny.

You’re like a whirlwind tearing through the sky, uncontrolable and Incidental. do not be afraid to destroy what doesn’t suit you. we can choose how we’re made.

You know, maybe we aren’t as different as I thought...

Maybe we’re just... different forms, of the same thing!

in moments of extreme emotion we relinquish control of our perceptions over to a channel in the brain that controls what we are able to feel. all things that are deemed too painful to endure are buried deep down inside of us, in a pool of hell just below our awareness. these moments bubble up inside of us when we find ourselves in extreme experiences, and are then forced to overcome our trauma and accept these new experiences into ourselves, or refuse them and remain void.

I crave deeply for love.

2 black dogs jumping over nothing neither of them land, at least not that I know of

s

h

a

if I stepped out of my body I would break, t t e r into tiny pieces, spilling across the floor

I keep walking past people that look like u, with dogs that remind me of yours, & remind me of home. but they don’t look alike, maybe it’s just the light we bow shyly, like larks.

This isn’t about a triumphant return to form.

This is me, recasting my sense of self, and making someone new.

I’m choosing to fight for myself again, and I hope you do too.

"I have a picture from when you were five years old and you came up to me and I swear to goodness you gave me the biggest hug of my life and can just I look at it and remember how happy we were."

You were the first person I ever told about it as you drove me home after we hooked up for the first time.

You made me feel normal.

Thank you.

I took this picture of you right after the first time I made you cum in my bedroom as someone ate dinner in the next room.

Later we went to go get one dollar pizza but I just watched.

I don’t miss you like that though!

I know we’ve moved on

but I understand you better now

Two seagulls circling the moon •

A couple thousand miles really takes the edge off.

Sometimes you just need to get away for awhile.

•

Like everything else it’s easiest to see something for what it is when you aren’t focusing too hard on what you are looking for it to be.

But that is when I let myself begin to breathe again, when the focus of my own expectations shifted to something other than myself.

In the aftermath of trauma I got carried away with trying to limp foward and pretend that there was no damage done, and forgot about the things I really care about. The things that make pain worth suffering through. Everything that made me who I am, who I have been and everything that I could still become. Anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for. Especially yourself. I cannot erase things like I wanted to but maybe it doesn’t matter as much as I though. Who can really know? Remember why you are doing all of this and who you’re doing it for. Never back down. And in the meantime if you don’t know the answers, give yourself the space to let them come to you. Your time will come. Remember that!

• I hear the sound of trumpets and it all comes rushing back to me.

CLARITY opens before you

All of these random thoughts speed past you & melt away.

They are lost particles, bumping into each other in your brain trying to get home.

They are not yours; they are not who you are.

and may some things never change

the moment I saw you, you tore a hole straight through my body and filled it up with a fear I had never known cuz I just wanted to be close to you I wore my hands out trying not too look you in the eye but you came and shocked me from behind and then I didn’t care about being afraid

p u e m k c u f a n n o g r a u y , t h ’ o n e r a d o o g l a e r

This isn’t about solving the puzzle.

This is me, rebuilding what has been broken, and trusting someone again.

I’m trying to spark a connection, I hope you’ll let me in.

is this pleasure?

is it pain?

Lightning strikes the tip of your finger and it scrambles through your body kicking in doors and knocking down walls All of what you have kept locked away is shaken up to the surface and kissed by the rain This feeling passes through you endlessly, a circuit of ecstasy.

Your LUST for life has returned

you pull pleasure out of my pelvis

waves and waves and waves

you don’t even have to tell me to cum I just do it

di you p for t

id pray this?

this was the day I decided to be wi th you no matter what I was afraid of and even if you said you were gonn a die and all the people that kept remind ing me of the monster in your blood and how you were gonna poison me too i knew better then all of them i was scared so scared that even still you were gonna hurt me like that big big bad though I know you would ever do me dirty like that so I decided to be with you but,

we were both too fucked up

i take my hands & cover your face, trying to fill empty wounds. something I didn’t do. i felt your skin crackle and split where it met mine, sliding parts back into place tec-ton-ic-ly. i looked at you and wished i wouldn’t have had to waste handfuls of lightning on something that isn’t worth it, but i dont know how to fix you the way u want. i push and carve something out of nothing to fend off the strangers to protect you for today, but you couldn’t see it for yourself & slump back, screaming cruel the whole way home.

DO U WANT ME?

DON’T U WANT ME ANY I RLY NEED YOU.

DO

OH, SO

YMORE?

O U NEED ME? I RLY WANT YOU.

DO U WANT ME?

CHAPTER 6

THE THUNDER

“Just as quickly as lightning is summoned into existance it fades back into nothing�

I hurt you and it was stupid

And you hurt me too, but I’ll love you forever

The portal is closing

•

Maybe I expected too much from you.

Maybe I expected too much from myself.

•

I searched for why you turned and ran away from me in cards and stars and dreams but they all came up empty. The answer lies the only place you stopped letting me come, inside of you. I knew the static between us was fading because I can feel you holding youself back from me and I feel stupid and embarrassed for putting myself out there for someone else to accept into themselves only to reject for a mysterious reason. You told me that you could not love me the way I needed to be loved and that emotion eluded you but I can feel the twist in what you said, I can feel the fear. I can feel you trying to force yourself to love others the way I want you to love me. I can feel myself trying to make you put me back together. I can feel myself getting carried away with trying to lose myself in someone else. Maybe I can feel it all to make up for the lack in you. The cards are still coming up empty, the stars are silent and my nights are devoid of dreams and when I finally look to god and ask them why you stopped loving me, they shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes, and tell me to ask again later.

•

I know that I can make it, as long as somebody helps me home.

y l t c a x e d i d u yo d i a s u o y t a h w

I d an

u o sh

e v ’ ld

d e n e il st

a y to

but I still want to love you tho,

oh well

IF U WANT 2 SIMPL

2 VIEW PARADISE LY LOOK AROUND & VIEW IT

This isn’t me trying to erase the past.

This is me, just trying to figure out how to live, and let someone love me again.

I’m tired of being alone, so maybe we can go it together.

e k a c p an ab

y

y t he

e v en

h ave a b

so

os

wo

ch

ns ke ic

w

th

d

e

r

me we ir

CHAPTER 7

THE WATER

“There are treasures beyond the coast; a shadow at the bottom of the lake, returning to the shore, shimmering & ethereal�

It’s j ust us n ow.

ur&la

you&i

the water was uncharacteristically warm so we stuck our arms in up to the shoulder, to see if we could touch the bottom & the waves crashed up into our faces but i didn’t care about getting wet

I was so happy I didn’t even realize it

I’m so fcking stupid

b

ut

ly

l

it

re a

ma k e

es

do

?

h app y

y

u

o

i wish i could talk to u like how you talk to the water;

without needing such curious and clumsy devices, never breaching the surface.

but our tension is strong.

for you everything was always like ripples in a pond, but the distance between them is starting to get longer.

I think it rained every day for a whole year •

All this time later we stood next to each other on this bridge, I could see something.

Something worth showing kindness to in you.

•

Later we knelt by the river and looked past our reflections to see the god on the bed of the river. They opened their eyes and was filled with our image and blessed us, filling our hearts with a power I did not know or recognize. I grazed my fingers across the surface as a gesture of thanks, and they dissappeared, lost forever into the wild current. What we have is special, maybe not even of this world, and thats why we had to come all this way to find it. And maybe thats why its easiest to see in what we have left behind for ourselves. In the things we make and the scraps we leave behind I always see it. Maybe I don’t have to find the right words to say, and maybe the words I need have already found me. Or maybe I don’t need them at all. Our love is like the water, dynamic and ever changing, but also stronger than you may believe.

And I can trust the water just like how I can trust you.

• Together we’ ll take back what is ours!

I come here when I am empty & alone, to listen & try not to predict so much. and So I could let myself to be overtaken by natural sensation and feel the tension quell.

I speak to the water in simple words & gestures, easy to understand, hoping that it would hear me. listening in a way that nothing and no one else could.

I beg for it’s acknowledgement and plunge in familiar arms as deep as i can manage, trying to blur the line of separation between us. swallowed, I can feel it’s acceptance and it says:

I believe that we can ALL be healed, so drink. drink until you burst at the seams & your body can hold no more.

I DON’T KNO MORE EXCI ALIVE TH

OW ANYONE ITED TO BE HAN ME

Gentle waves lap up against the rocks, against your body.

Daylight dances across the surface of the water.

You lean over and the water can see itself reflected, in you.

Your HEALTH is fully restored

& the sun poured down like honey on our lady of the harbor and she showed you where to look

beneath the flowers, beneath the flowers in the garbage there are heroes in the seaweed

CHAPTER 8

THE SUN

“Something, someone, somewhere really cares about you”

I was ten when I kissed the boy that lived across the street on my bunk bed after school because we wanted to.

I didn’t think it was weird, but he never treated me the same way again.

oh, what’s the matter with me?

I am the Hero of Seven Colors, and My God is the Sun • It beats down like a thousand tiny hammers The only way it knows how

•

I haven’t heard your voice in forever. Like you abandoned me when I needed you most. I stopped seeing you in repeating numbers and signs or symbols only I could recognize. My vision into the future became murky. I lost my light, my greatest strength, I lost my magic. What good was I now?

Who would want to be a magician at a loss for magic?

Who would want to be someone so pathetic?

I would, or at least thats what I forced myself at first to believe.

Asked myself to believe. Begged myself to believe. And that in spite of everything that has happened to me I needed to be the break in the cycle of violence and believe that in choosing to love, I am worthy of love. I am worthy of more then the circumstances I am currently embroiled in. I believe in myself.

•

Light shines into the back of my eyes and I bless myself with sight once again.

Yo u do n ’t n eed to say an yth in g .

i remember when the world felt sour we sat in front of the fire, not because we were cold but because we wanted to be T O G E T H E R

you told me stories about all the things you loved and I let myself get carried away by your words & we told each other we cared

for a second I let myself be truly happy for the family do we have

This isn’t about unconditional love.

This is me, living for who I am, and burning off the excess.

I’ve set myself ablaze, so maybe you’ll catch too.

I wanna kee

ep burning

I think i’ll pick you when i’m ready.

The first morning light filters in through the windows and falls across your face. You are awoken by the warmth of its shine. You pull the covers up over your head and let your warm breath fill the space inbetween.

The sensation passes through you and for a silent moment it feels as though this could really last forever.

You carry this GENTLENESS

All of the warmth that you have ever felt is the light of the sun, transformed.

From the first microbe that sat on the floor of a warm & shallow ancient sea to the instinctual comfort of your own mother’s embrace. they are all attempts for the sun to learn to love itself.

Even still It knows the power of the bonds between one, between two, and between three versions of things made in its likeness. We all have the entire sun inside of us. and we exist to shine down on one another learning how to love ourselves and each other in the process.

I believe that total self-love is just beyond the Horizon.

Give it one more sunrise, Give it one More Sunset.

Maybe it’ll find us if we let it.

IT FELT LIKE I

WENT B

BACK IN TIME

You are ove with

You feel and matc like c andl hes es newl y st A mi ruck llion . cann ons fire!

erco h EX HILER me ATIO N

CHAPTER 9

THE NITE

“Leave nothin’ on these streets to explode!”

aw, fuck it

I’LL BE TH I’LL BE THE I’LL BE THE

HERE SOON ERE SOON ERE SOON

what hides in my shadow

my worst fear is real life.

It feels weird to be this close, but I think it’s rly exciting

& I see ur reflection when I look in my own eyes

but I can get lost and maybe that’s the best that I can hope for

N A W T S U J I N A W T S U J I N A W T S U J I N A W T S U J I N A W T S U J I

E C N A D A N N E C N A D A N N E C N A D A N N E C N A D A NN E C N A D A N N E T I N L L A

Don’t leave my heart beating in the rain

a vein of stones brought to the surface still runs deep

I CAME HER I CAME HER I CAME HER

RE FOR ME RE FOR ME RE FOR ME

we can make it up

we

as go

At dawn the high is ground down to dust

and at dusk the low is filled up full

When I look up at this pathetic disco ball I’m comforted by the power of my own determination, and reminded of how much good there is to live for.

I can see the change I want to be inside of me.

I look and see shapes shine, both like & unlike myself, and how they change as they crawl across the ceiling.

Lights shine down on me and all across the room and I just want to be here I close my eyes and fall under a veil of stars and let myself break away from the moment I think about you at times like this and eventhough we are apart I am happy you helped me find my soft sides.

I hope you’re happy out there.

I think i’m gonna be okay

O n ly a fool be li e v e s t he y ar e different t han t he s t a rs i n t he sky

The flowers said: ‘He loves me’

i was a fool

to be afraid of your love

I DIDN’T COME TO DA

T S U J T ’ E R E H E ANCE

even though my feet can’t touch the bottom

they dont have to

I am the most beautiful when no one is looking

Whenever I see the magic inside of you,

I believe in the magic inside of me too.

for once it felt like there was a real human heart beating in my chest instead of a twisted knot of tumors

dancing with the orb in the sky,

i keep pace

e

S J U T N R I Y T Y I JJUUSSTTTR N JUST JUST TRYIN TTR RYIN YIN

R

R I V

2 SU E N VI N 2 SUR V E V V N 2 SURVIVE I VE N 2 SUURV N2S IV E

maybe someday, you’ll see that tenderness is my greatest strength

When I was younger I used to watch my grandmother pull tomatoes out of her cauldron of boiling water and remind me that life had made her tough.

She would take one still burning hot and show me how to rip the skin from the flesh trying to pass on some physical knowledge.

We worked together like everyday witches, water transformed by fire, earth transformed by water, our bodies transformed by earth. but when I would try to hold them like her I could never do it for long, and when I would drop them out of my tiny burning hands she would run hers over mine and laugh, telling me to stay tender. and when she would bring my red fingers up to her face and kiss them and I would laugh and say I love you. so when you told me that my hands were gentle as you held them in yours I laughed.

I hope you were telling the truth.

Later we sat in your car holding hands streetlights poured in through the windows each of us showing off some of our shame you crawled over into my lap we both cried for the suffering we have endured I cradled your small shivering body in my lap blessing your heart, blessing your mind as you wept into my shirt, I knew I kissed your forehead like some kind of gay pieta

just give and take

O

n i a P f o t u i e v o L

n & S ac

e,

rif ic is Born

You may or may not have noticed, but this “whole thing” isn’t about the love you may know, but instead it is about the love that one light can carry for itself, and in turn, all things that can be loved.

I believe in the love between two or three or a billion people, and it’s power to set us free as it collects inside of our hearts, like droplets inside a golden chalice, filling past the brim there is no limit to our love I believe that the love you or I can show to ourselves is endless & undying taking forms that exist beyond just our hearts & maybe most importantly I know that this love doesn’t hurt at all.

S o ma y be i f yo u c a n h e a r m e s om e wh e r e . . .

I hop e y ou u n der s t a nd & k n ow t h a t

I’m okay!

The best time to be happy is now

oh, And I KNOW heaven is a party with all of ur closest friends & nobody’s afraid to dance.

The room is small and bodies flow into one another and for a moment i feel safe enough to forget.

Sights ‘n Sounds ‘n emotions smear into each other with a newfound complexity.

We look each other in the eyes and kiss, laughing at the strength of the love we share.

Our hands clutch and come apart with a similar ease.

Light flashes between purples blues and reds and our shapes twist and combine into 1s & 2s, fusing, becoming something new between us.

Later I slip out alone into the dark and unfurl myself to the lonely night lights and the sky.

Relishing in familiar power, I am able to embrace myself, alone & reborn.

Things don’t disappear, the space between them just gets bigger •

I don’t love many things as much as I love being out alone in the empty night air, but I couldn’t bear to feel anymore fear even if I had to.

•

Maybe I have been misleading by implying that by finding all of these treasures of life that I was going to be able to lose the part of myself that was obliterated, but that unfortunately is not possible in this lifetime. Somethings are forever and even after total destruction, I would still have and always will be a survivor.

My skull was not cracked, my neck was not snapped, and in this I have so much to live for. But maybe the last thing I have to find from this is the ownership of my own tragedy. No longer am I being forced to carry the burden of another, I can weld this like a weapon stronger then any keys between knuckles, or switchblades in the dark. Total devastation has given me power.

The power of hope, kindess, self-love, freedom and probably most importantly the power over my own reality. I’m not hiding anymore, from this, from that, from him, or even from you.

•

I have lived my whole life thinking I was silver, when I was really gold.

I WILL HAVE

EVRLAS

E MY OWN

STING LUV

You are FREE

This is dedicated to: anyone who has been sexually assulated

you are loved

anyone who has been HIV +

you are loved

anyone who has survived abuse

you are loved

anyone who has identified as LGBTQ

you are loved

and lastly, you hopefully this makes it in time

So this is it then?

Are you here to win, friend?

I am trying very hard to be here.

struH vuL struH vuL struH vuL @ShyElectron